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The Raven
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[16:39 pdt 08/05/2017 CE, 1501976340 E]

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The Failing Fantasy and Alexis


"The last several years have proven to be the most difficult in my time, and I need to lay it out here for fear of losing my mind. Unfortunately, as important and dire as the subject has become, I cannot be clear. The subject must remain masked for the most part. And this is something which has the capability of killing me very soon. I mean that quite literally. The situation has come to a head throughout the last few months due to my continuing and unrealized obsession. I see the examples and possibilities everywhere -- damned near on a daily basis -- and each fraction of a moment when they are within view is crippling. As much as I have gone into overt detail with regard to the shapes of subjects on the street and elsewhere, the fact is that I cannot do this much longer with a massive gap in my life. There is something missing from day to day living and I have been able to deal with it for some time now. I have distractions and hobbies aplenty. I have work, time spent with friends, television, THIS, and my continuing efforts toward making home comfortable. Unfortunately, the hole in my life has nothing to do with any of the items mentioned, and it is one of the most compelling aspects of life that I have ever considered.

This whole fucking affair is just bad.

Laying my thoughts out for all to see used to be very difficult, but now it has become necessary for me to live. Yes, I need to keep an ambiguous nature. I am sorry, but progressing further with detail is only going to destroy me.

This is something necessary for me to live -- literally. Without it I will not survive, and throughout the last five years I have done my best to be happy in other facets of life. My hobbies are very technical and my drive to make home as functional, comfortable, and secure as possible do take a large amount of time to focus upon. However, in the back of my mind the issue of the lacking part comes up several times during any given day. I cannot avoid feeling as if I will not make it to the next morning for work, and I am at a loss as to what I can do to push forward toward thinking differently, or learning to live with what is available to me. And that which is available has changed dramatically over time. In the beginning everything was fine, but cut to years later and the difficulty is becoming much sharper.



232

Five foot nine and all that goes with it



Shortly after this began, I tried to spend much of my spare time with the continuing design and build of the Clodmaster. That project sees phases which vary from a few weeks to more than a year, so other distractions became necessary. Soon after, the photography began to find its way back into my life, and the improvements to the house followed. This endeavor has also gone through dry spells and now seems to be more steady from one week to the next. That is a good thing for the business, but the sole assistance to my life is the outlet. Nothing else comes from this. Nothing. Well, the last few months have pushed me to look elsewhere for such a visceral need. I have not gone in that direction other than thought, but the fear now is what may happen if I attempt to branch.

I really just do not know what to do.

Alexis is being displayed here for no other reason than to grace the index with her endless beauty. Since the main theme here changed back in fifteen (for the most part, anyway), the images have followed suit with the subjects. The current subject has had such an impact upon me that the need to see her sculptured and unique look has taken over and here is the result. There will be many more images of that tall and lanky creature in the very near future, as well. I need to continue the obsession and she is a good portion of the whole. As related to the title here? Yes, she comes to mind due to the previously stated appearance. She is one of the most effectively put together females I have ever seen. Wrapping Alexis in a seamstress tape has never been more compelling. She is wonderful.

What to do? I have no fucking idea. I do not wish this situation to push me into dangerous territory, but the truth is that it is close -- damned close -- and that fact is starting to affect more than just my time alone and at home. Up to this point, my off hours have been very productive, to say the least. I have made tremendous progress both with the home and the site. The truck just sits there waiting, however that has always been hit-or-miss. No worries with that project. Alongside these aspects of my days, the issue in my mind has become nearly more than I can handle. My best effort has gone into maintaining peace of mind throughout the problems that have arisen. Unfortunately, everything now feels thin -- as if I am stretched to limits -- and I am uncomfortable. This has me at sixes and sevens, and recently I cannot head in any direction without thoughts of what is missing. Very difficult.



233

Alexis displays every aspect for which we have searched



There is Alexis with her super-narrow waist and incredibly defined arms. She is displaying all of the traits which tend to stem from such height. All of her features lend to the endless images floating within me regarding the Raven, and Alexis also represents a product of the interconnected nature of society. She is extremely well-known and can be found all over both the electronic world and in print. And all of this at just over twenty years old. Her outer beauty and enthusiastic eyes cannot be denied in any form. Within the two-dozen or so images of her which we have considered for this entry, her gorgeous eyes go from very serious to very playful, and everywhere in between. She is right at home within this sordid space, and the relation to the entry is her sexuality which is absolutely dripping from some of the shots.

And that is a part of my current dilemma. Yes, she is desirable to no end, but she is also very young with a vast life in store. I would never disrespect nor degrade a fledgling model (let alone another person in the first place) with my words here. No fucking way. That being said, her physical attractiveness is at the top of the goddamned scale right now leading me to the compulsion to include her within this mess.

Thus far, I have considered a few differing paths to search for a solution, but nothing has been attempted. I am afraid, for lack of a more empirical description. I do not know what may develop as a result of seeking out what I need. All could work out just fine, or life could unravel. At this point, I am too old to initiate something which may result in things spinning out of control and disrupting lives. On the upside, I can be extremely detail-oriented and analytical with nearly any subject, and this is no different. The more time that passes prior to any change or decision, the more educated and well-thought said change will be. At least that is a positive.

I have discussed this with no one, though there is one individual which may be able to help in at least one way. And that would be the emotional aspect.



234

And close the form of the Raven



Right now staring at Alexis, Julianne, or anyone else is just not helpful. It is compelling and unavoidable, though. I just do not have a choice in the matter. They are there to be seen, and despite the damage which may affect the site or the obsession, the desire cannot be overstated. They are just too picturesque. Ugh. And I will continue to stare. Fuck it anyway.

So, where from here? I ask that question nearly every time I write anything. Unless it is a very descriptive essay, the subject always arises. Where, indeed. I do not know. Hopefully the contact which is near me will assist in the matter. Much time has passed since I have begun to yearn for that part of life that to consider bringing in another soul is still alien to me. Failing any other options, I will push. Until then, the alcohol seems a decent path. Is that not hilarious? A depressant being used to help someone suffering from depression. Wow. What will I do next? Maybe this outlet will fail, too, and then I can walk into the ocean.

Alexis is still seated there, staring into the lens with wondrous eyes, and awaiting the next step in her life. What a wonderful sight -- the whole of her and the thought of a bright future and lots of time to explore everything. I am becoming the opposite -- outlook truncated, options dramatically narrowed, time slowing -- and the feelings which are slowly destroying everything I used to be. This is not her fault (or Her fault), nor is it the doing of anyone save myself. From one day to the next I am up, down, sideways, and back toward the up. What the fuck does that mean? Do others not feel a similar rollercoaster? Who knows. I cannot concern myself with how others may feel. I just do not have the motivation nor the time. There is plenty going on over here. I look out toward the street and see familiar people walking by and they doubtless look in here and see the same person perched, drinking, typing, and wondering what the hell is going on. I can sympathize. I probably look like some sort of shut-in with a computer. Hmm... that sounds appropriate, right? Perhaps.

Where was I?

Alexis is gorgeous.

I covered that already, and she does not need me as an advocate. Her ten-plus-million followers will attest and agree. Who am I? Just another soul with a keyboard. And a voice. And a section of space on the www. Can that be enough? Fuck no. Nothing is ever enough and that fact brings us back to the fucking fantasy. Such is nonexistent in real matters -- those of substance. Tangibility is the need. Reality, connection, support, feeling. All of it is rolled into the title of the fucking entry, and all of it is on my mind too much of the time. I need it to change before I flip a switch.



235

Gorgeous face and eyes



Despite her magnificent appearance, endless beauty, and positive look, I remain at the same point in space. Moving forward is the risk, yet it may become the only direction. Just in the short span of these paragraphs, the feeling has grown substantially. I cannot and will not avoid the images which further the obsession, and I will not entertain suggestions of doing things differently. That has never been my way, and though it may help in some way, the loss would be too great. I cannot afford to change any aspect of my personality for fear of becoming something I am not. I have seen that happen to others and for myself it is simply unacceptable.

I would rather perish as me than continue as a happy-go-lucky robot, the type of which I see every day.

How did I get to that fucking statement? Well, I guess it just means I need to keep going, no matter the circumstances or damage. The fantasy is extremely tough with which to deal, but it is still a part of me. And this is not something I had a hand in creating -- the situation grew out of people's actions along with other connections in life.

And then I sighted the barista and the waves of water further engulfed me."



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Random Quote:

"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day,
in all the thousand small uncaring ways."
-- Stephen Vincent Benét


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