January 26th, 2021 9:30am pst

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Caverns and Wind II

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"1-26 and the date no longer matters. We have ignition; full thrust downward.

Yesterday's foray into the intricacies of circumventing our main line are going to come to fruition later today. Once I get the noise out the door and have time to myself, a couple of projects will come together so we can operate almost normally whilst waiting for the external powers to move along as they will. I don't know how long any of this is going to take, though. We may be stuck for a while. Other than that, I plan to sit tight and work on this machine throughout a good portion of this day. The tree is void of ornaments now, too. I wish to relight the thing before boxing it. Next year (if even realistically possible) it will be ready.

Ignition again, yet no levers this time. Only thinking. The anger is driving most of me.

On the floor, without reaching the door.
An upward glance, right into her pants.

Vulpine again... Thoughts of how I arrived so damaged. Lavishing over there so I feel better over here? It is ridiculous and commanded years of me. Ridiculous, completely. Lavishing to the limit of my neck.

Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
You hurt me.

Very cold outside yet flame in my head. Angry, still. The blue dress is adorned with photographs and negatives of my life... No one inside. Dirt everywhere from the winds. No rain. Blue dress, alone and adorned. I cannot reach anything anymore... It is all out there, somewhere, yet beyond me, completely. I cannot reach in this heat. Terrible heat. I am not well. Stay away from me. The dirt on the blue dress. Where is she?

Wind outside. Very cold. Rain coming.

Ugh... Not her again.

No light yet, but soon I expect. I'll have to get shit in order so as to facilitate my morning of peace and quiet. I cannot have distractions because everything has congealed into a muck inside which requires my attention and thinking. All of it, from the fucking outset when I needed to turn left from life all those years ago right up to and including just last night trying to understand another human being. Nothing seems possible, feasible anymore. The little details I work out while alone are now standing as representative of my entire life's worth. I am valuable, however such a fact matters not when I look in the mirror. Even though my value is no longer derived from others, still there is nothing for me in the world if I look across the room and see merely need. That should be me. Once alone I may understand better. I don't know yet. For the time being, plans are forming for me to come out the other side of this day unscathed. We shall see if the flames reach my feet before movement.

Flames, indeed. Just like the fire caused by Julie and myself after destroying that locomotive.

Protection is key now. Hurt and on fire. Flames all around and there is no exit I can see from lying here on the fucking floor. You did this. You did it all. The blue dress will burn.



21


Dew and maw.
Allow me to paw.

Tons of understanding grown through thousands of lines, yet still there is nothing. Nothing. Just fucking nothing. Typing. All I have anymore.

Turn the blue to green. Shorter. Lighter. Cuter. And now older, wiser, more beautiful. Blue to green of the periphery; there on the left. Look at her, look at me, look at my past and future. Trouble. On the fringe again, the blue dress blowing in the wind and barely hanging on. The dress hits the ground? Failure. Empty blue dress. Blue to green is impossible. Everything is impossible. It was simple, now complex. Ignition, once again. The bad mood no one can see.

No one can see any of it because they are not allowed. I am losing my way this morning. Damn it all, on to the fall.

Last night I became enamored with another actress for five minutes. I think it was her neck in the beginning, soon after followed by her eyes and forceful nature. Moments later that nature was off-putting so I cooled the jets and refocused. For that short period she really shined. I cannot gaze without some depth of character being equally attractive, however. If she is a demon, the beauty fades away and I cannot look upon her without seeing the inside. Half the battle, that shit, and hence the reasoning behind gushing over characters and not the real people. Moments, though... Those eyes went on forever. Don't get me wrong, she is a tall, stunning and classic beauty. No getting around that fact. The character fell down. Nothing more. Long necks just pull me to stare. And then I try to look further. The rarities remain while the fleeting glances fall away.

Rain is coming and I don't care. I hope the whole city floats out to sea. The ocean is right down the fucking street.

I don't want to think anymore.

'Dead again... I'm... Dead again'.

Yellow and orange, like the mustard mixed with grease.

Lights in the eyes, burning.
The thoughts I surmise, churning.

Where are we? Is this really what resulted from all I did? What is next? Will I still be here? Will I find anything? Were those years the end-all? I wish there were levers so I could ram anything... Just anything right now. So fucking angry. Stay away from me.



22


I don't know what is taking place in there. I cannot know. There is no solution to this problem, either, so stop trying to formulate a fucking sentence. Leave it alone. You will make zero headway, I promise. Whatever is possible frightens me. And everything is possible. I already know some of it and wish I did not. Just don't try handing me any shit. I am pretty fucking observant. Nothing crazy, but I have lived long enough to glean a few things and this is one of them, so shut the fuck up. The train has left the station and will never return. Shut it. I cannot know. That is that.

Ugh today had better be pretty fucking nice. I swear to the gods above that I will fucking lash.

The cavern is cold and rain is coming. Cracks in the rock mean no shelter. Not like last time. The water can permeate anything on earth, especially when given a path. The water will run off the edge and drench the blue dress right before my eyes. The dress is filthy now. Another cavern, damn it. I'll drag the dress inside for reasons of good form. Good measure. Good fucking something. I will try, though everything I attempt ends up in one trash can or another these days. Hence the anger and ignition. Lots of anger now. I suppose the dress can come with me, for whatever that may be worth. I expect nothing anymore aside from more worry, less reason, and a furtherance of the difficulties inherent in trying to deal with other people. I know what is in there, but I don't know what is in there. Keep reading that last sentence over and over until the world ends. Get it through your fucking heads. There is no one in the cavern. Me and the dirty dress.

Fucking cold. Rain coming. Light wind. Almost time to get up and get things ready.

Expect this, motherfuckers.

Pull and push, until the mess.
Push and pull, I ask no less.

Wind. A little, so far. The storm is both out there and in here. Inside. Where the blue dress resides, all dirty and empty. Devil with the blue dress? Sort of: They are all devils. Read it in earnest.

The house is mine and quiet for hours. I have to run to the hardware for supplies to build my makeshift laundry drain. Interesting, to say the least. I may also grab a downspout adapter for adding another line off the rain gutters. I don't know yet, though. The priority is laundry. Once complete, I can go out there and run through the clothes which are at the norm right now. Fortunately, I did a pile of wash just before the lateral issue. On that front, I am still waiting to hear from my friend. He is going to scope the line for an estimate. I must plan accordingly, and that means doing everything I can to minimize the water going into the main line. So far, so good. It's a challenge I can overcome. Baby steps will add up.



23


Her eyes afire, full of desire.
The scars afire, causing the mire.

I have few options these days. I cannot clean the blue dress. The tumblers need to align on the vault of my life. Once in position, I can pull the door and see what is to come. No hasp, no strike, no knob. Hinged from my past to the present... Hinged and rusted. The tumblers may not move. Frozen and corroded, as my brain has become due to them. Them. Them. Them. Them. Them. Them.

Those.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit all over the place, flying and slathering the world. All bullshit. Nothing can change because I cannot handle the result anymore. Protection from YOU, assholes. Protection so I may continue on whatever the fuck this journey has become. A continuation from wherever to wherever. A road with no turns, and a buffer stop at some point. Out there. Waiting, watching, solid. Nothing passes. The train will explode.

I will explode. Bullshit all over the place.

No wind right now. The storm is out there, though. It is coming from the ocean and will strike the land as it does. Rain and wind, cold and coming. I have to be ready. The storm out there matches the one inside, however there is no resolution. Falling away? Fallen? Fell? Remember those? Well, here we are again, from the standpoint of everything which has transpired to this very second as more piles itself atop. Much more. I cannot know. It is impossible. The one operative term is equally impossible. No more of that. Not now, perhaps not ever. Lots of negatives here, you say? There are many more to come. Stay away. Thinking is dire, so comments are unwelcome. Shut them off and leave it the fuck alone. The storm will arrive on the heels of the one already raging. You did this, not me. As much as I can blame the past, those reckless, uncaring words, and the events which shall forever remain unchangeable, others have become the key. Dismissive, full of shit, and ever-growing. Gaining on me like another train on my fucking rails. I will ram you. Explosion. Shit everywhere. Parts flying. Flame and smoke. Nothing can be done about it so stop trying.

Rails cold and shining, chafing the inner lining.
Engines strong and stout, changing smile to pout.

We have arrived at the future of the moment, to quote those desperate words from seventeen-plus years ago when I turned left and watched my world disappear in the mirror. All gone. I drove into oblivion and came out the other side loved, left, and bereft. The music carries on.

Do not approach. You will not like me.

Knees aside and paired, enticing radii right there, all drawn and ensnared. Me.

Almost time for me to head to the hardware for hardware. After accomplishing the temporary shit under our kitchen sink yesterday, I am inspired to carry forward with the adventure of circumventing the plumbing system down there beneath the soil. I have a plan -- half-assed as it may be -- and will have everything in order in a matter of hours. My last career may have driven me into the ground at times, but I cannot deny knowledge and its advantages right now. The power goes out? No problem. Fresh water shuts off? No problem. Waste line is fucked up? Partial problem, but I can deal with it. Many would panic but I am calm. Stressed, yes, but still calm. Everything is fixable. After that I can focus upon the daily chores (very little of them now) and spend more time sitting here spewing all of the uncomfortable words for which I am known. One more time, and say it with me: I have nothing else. Others believe I do and they are incorrect. They do not know. Maybe they never will. My left foot is nearly all the way into the forest. A slow process to be sure, but it is happening nonetheless. Further in means further out. That adds up to the others being the enemy. They will learn soon enough, but for now I will work on the issues that are taking priority. Be thankful I have something to do.



24


'The professor in the library with the candlestick'? No, the blue dress in the cavern with the dirt.

Still calm out there. Sunny. Kind of pretty. A bit of haze on the hills, too. I am more worried about my condition than either the weather or the fucking lateral. Believe it. Those are temporary whereas my head is permanently damaged.

The demons draw me to their breast;
As I descend and devour all the rest.

My stomach is fucked up for some reason. Not bad, but enough to force my attention. I will have to cease this crap until later.

Stay away from me. Do not approach. Forest mode. Better than flight mode. That is gone, perhaps for good. No one knows. No one understands and I don't fucking care. Remain in the dark, behind the line, behind the curtain, behind... Just stay behind. You are not allowed in. The door is no longer a door at all. It is a wall fashioned by the past; forged through pain and loss; built by me. You cannot affect it. Don't even begin to attempt a glimpse. Forget it for all time... From now until whatever 'forever' may mean to you.

I am in control of this day.

She is out there."



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