October 17th, 2020 2:48pm pdt

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The D-555

 read ( words)

"The entries are heretofore shortened. Let us begin.

Lots of trouble.

Steering past such a fact this morning -- Tuesday -- is not easy right now. I am wrestling with both weakness and fear. This may end up yet another day in which I do not leave the house. I see a theme being pieced together, damn it. Not a pleasant one, either. Today I must remain mindful of the big picture, just like the early days when I had so much difficulty focusing upon the simplest of daily tasks. The reasoning is not the same these days, however. I am not worried about the world, I am worried about my ability to find what I need. Trouble, with a capital 'T'. Stop. Much to do.

Wednesday and no driving by choice. I need to be alone after the events of yesterday. Need it, badly.

I have to remain mindful of the manner in which my physical condition affects thinking. Sometimes I feel as if the dire nature of my dreams takes over and forces me into the idea that I have no options other than to dive. I don't like this at all because the realization is that I am being controlled. Very few occasions have shown me that I can break out of the cycle and move forward on my own. This morning is a test, yet again. The day ahead is going to be tough, and if I am to make it all the way to the evening without issue, I must destroy the cycle and work in some other direction. I will be alone within an hour and that is the time of difficulty. I have no idea of what effort will be required for me to stay the course all day long. Right now everything is wide open, like most mornings, so I must do my best to keep all of the activities in mind early. Just a few hours into the day and the feelings will cease. I know it. Getting to that point is the tough part. I intend to remain here a while longer, though. I have to explore, and if that means the test is more severe, so be it. I have to write if for no other reason than to allow the deep thinking in which I have engaged since March.

A dream this morning kicked off what has been a somewhat thoughtful day. Jolene was involved, as was my partner. I still do not understand why the three of us were on a sofa and dressed for bed. All in pajamas, a couple of blankets, and my eyes unable to avoid Jolene's prominent, unrestricted breasts floating about beneath her top. I sat there yearning to caress her, but the scene eventually went nowhere. The pajamas were similar to some which I recently purchased online for my partner, all soft and thick. Jolene had the fourth season hair, too. God damn did she look warm and inviting sitting next to me, partially reclined. I wished to hold her, drown into her embrace, and spill all of my troubles throughout years, just like Ashley. I yearned. I needed her so badly that to awaken abruptly from such an ethereal feeling was painful. Now she is gone, never having provided me with that unique comfort over which I have agonized and thrown myself toward for decades. Gone, but I still see her enormous, beautifully dark eyes looking right at me. I will not recover from this experience anytime soon. I love her, and she was right there for a time. This hurts deeply. Whatever force or circumstance placed her next to me only to be ripped away, I will never understand. Jolene next to me was amazing, and now I must deal with the impossibility once again, just as so many years of seeing her wonder on the screen.

Ouch. Thanks.

Thursday. The weather is already ramping up. Yikes, but I can work with it without issue.

I don't believe the point of 'Keywords' was described and laid out here properly. The more I think of that entry and what was going through my head at the time, the further away from the actual feelings it seems to drift. Oh, the words were there, but I did not do a very good job of outlining any of them. The point of the writing was to display the keywords and make people think (including me), allowing them to raise each point as necessary while the words broke up the text. I had hoped the manner in which I assembled everything would have been more effective. Oh well. I might go into it again because after yesterday I am feeling small. A little issue came up in my brain and left me thinking all afternoon. I'm glad that time was right up against cocktail hour because I really needed it. One led to the other, damn it. So, the keywords may come up again if I cannot get the point across in other ways. Honestly, I can't spell things out here sometimes, so the cryptic entries are going to continue. If anyone knows to what I am referring, more power to them. If not, I don't care. But the words are going to come out either way.

Eh, maybe I won't go into it anymore. I don't know. There may be nothing served by doing this. I still try, but the honest truth is that everything must be so closed off that in the end only I know what much of it means. Where is the help in that? Is it only the process of typing? I have no idea whatsoever. What I do realize is that something changed between Tuesday and yesterday... A situation in my head which became very frightening and damaging at the same time, and quickly. Like an instant realization that one aspect which relates to issues two and three took over all other concerns for a time, and may be an uphill battle that cannot be won. At least, not in the years I have remaining. This is huge. I believe the flare in question took place Tuesday and the fallout began early this morning. I remembered the image and subsequent reference and then went downhill immediately.



238



After my previous mention of the situation on the television during that older film and the knowledge that I will never be in such a way, I became worried over the imagery. And then the Thai women in the last entry brought up another facet. Now this, yet not just one scene, but everything added together to force me into a mental fetal position just like in the long past. I am there at this moment. Thursday, October fifteenth of twenty. This is not good at all and has the power to reduce any further involvement in one of the most wonderful experiences in life. Yes, I said that, and whether or not you can understand my veiled references, the fact is that I am being drawn away from something I calculated as one of the pinnacles of my years. I am afraid of what goes on inside another human being and cannot rise above any of it as of yet. Today my business is finished, and only halfway through the morning. I had to take care of anything physical as early as possible due to the temperature rising out of control. Well, having my stuff done so early means more time for my head to chew all the shit. I do not like it one bit, yet can't seem to avoid damaging thinking. Not toward myself or anyone else, just hurtful inside me. I am very uncomfortable right now but will be venturing out to meet someone for lunch and that affair may end up in the fucking toilet. I don't know yet, but conversation could help if I can get the words out without imploding. We will not be in public, so that is at least one positive.

The imagery and representation are now unavoidable, no matter what is on the fucking television. Dreaming of Jolene is not helping one bit. I can barely see her, anyway.

Friday. Very warm already. I'll have to keep after the house for maintaining some cool as the afternoon approaches. Yesterday did not warm up as much as I had expected, so hopefully the flow will follow suit and enable me to relax.



242



She helped me yesterday. On the tail of being so frustrated throughout the morning and worrying about society's never-ending strain upon a person's real expectations of the factors which can make or break a male, I actually rose above and came out the other side of the day fairly balanced. Fairly. I am still worried about certain aspects. Even all these hours later there is a tinge of concern over the day ahead. For whatever reason, yesterday morning felt dire somehow, as if I had to get to a certain point in the day's activities before my head would leave me alone. I did my best to get things finished early due to the rising mercury and did pretty well I suppose. But still the worry was there. Now? And after getting through those difficult hours? I feel as if this day is already going to be an improvement over yesterday. I can hear the wind outside in the dark, and the temperature feels odd. I believe heat in the car will be unnecessary as we travel south in a couple of hours. Heh.

The help was understood immediately. It lifted me quite a bit before our hours were cut short. By the time I arrived home and began to get some things in order, the images of my worries were floating about and making me believe that I had been creating more issues than already existed. That's right... I made everything worse without one external trigger. Big surprise, right? Everything typically amplifies inside once I am alone. I'm used to it, but don’t really like the feeling of knowing something like that is going to take place each time I bring up anything difficult and then head back into my own space. I am going to try to keep the situations in mind today as I move about and take care of business. The more I consider, the more I can learn. Hopefully the quiet will assist me.

Wow, I can smell the temperature outside. Very odd. The air is rather thick, kind of like way back when I drove out to the valley delivering auto parts and felt the heat rise as the truck ventured over the set of hills separating one valley from the other. Not much humidity, but the air did have enough moisture and scent to feel like a person could cut it with a knife. Right now that's what I sense outside the back door. Strange patterns these last few days, like last month and some of August when the hurricane's proximity sent us tons of reckless wind and dry lightning. I certainly hope that is not the case now. We do not need any more fires. If the wind could just come off the ocean as it is supposed to, I would be much more comfortable. Heh. Everything needs to align with my comfort. Funny. The forecast is higher than yesterday, although I am not going anywhere until the afternoon. That means I can stay here and ensure the house is as mild as possible.

Well, the morning is in full swing and the temperature outside is going up quickly. The house is still cool, though, and that means I'm comfortable for the time being. The circulator will be on later.

Stop.

Saturday morning. Holy crap did the weather ever heat up yesterday. Jesus, what a turn. Today is forecasted to be cooler, and we shall see forsooth. I will be home all day. I need to get into the point of this writing, and before you ask, yes... It is again related to what may have been the best period of my life. That's right... More of it.



243



Ninety-two. Right in the center of the most defining period I can recall. Other entries have gone into the subject but I cannot fully transmit my love for that time. The massive downside of remembering with such fondness and knowing now that anything even remotely close can never take place is one of the worst circumstances I could have imagined, and even lower than my last exit from the goblet followed by throwing myself back into the necessary rotting soup of society.

The compact disc player of my dreams. This was prior to the single-bit digital to analog conversion, so the player oversampled what it read before converting. It had an equalizer and spatial expansion system. Unreal for the period. Before discovering such a gem, and before I had even owned a CD player, I had stumbled upon a Tandy pocket computer at the local electronics store. After having spent years programming in Basic, a small machine which was capable of running simple yet useful programs seemed unavoidable to my brain. Plus, I was overly nuts with any devices which were compact, like the old Video Walkman and the like. The Tandy was something out of reach until I watched them discontinue production and eventually the one computer left in the store was reduced in price down to roughly twenty-five percent of the original cost. I snagged it and still have it, more than thirty years later. Another little tidbit of technology was a world band radio equally out of reach, and one which had been risen to a level unparalleled, so the clearance case never saw it. I will get back to that one. [As an aside, the line of Sony radios back then included a massive technology showpiece for which I still yearn and even decades later has eluded me. It is rare, even more valuable than when released, and to acquire such an example of their prowess could take the rest of my life. In fact, since the advent of classifieds and online shopping, I have seen exactly three of them in twenty years.] The point of this is not the computer or radio, anyway. It's the CD player and my circumstances at the time.

The little electronics store in our favorite mall was a place I wandered through each time we were there. Tiny store, really, yet they had a knack for showing off the latest technology and gadgets. On one occasion I spied the player in question and asked a few questions only to learn that the price tag was just north of five hundred. Yes, five hundred dollars for a portable CD player nearly three decades back. Unbelievable. Like the huge shortwave radio, the unit had been a way of them cramming everything possible into a tiny package. It even had its own rechargeable battery which was pretty rare in a CD player back then. Well, cut to two Christmases later and that very machine appeared as a gift from my girl. She knew how badly I wanted it and made it happen. What a complete sweetheart. In fact, she knew how technical and specific I could be about almost anything, and being unsure of the exact model, she wrapped up two of their best players and intended to return whichever I did not want. Unbelievable. So there I was with the unit of my dreams, and eventually I gained a few discs to enjoy, along with an excellent set of headphones. A few years later when we moved to the Midwest, the player came along.

I remember allowing the dishes to pile up in the kitchen until we were out of some utensils, and then donning the headphones (wired to the player, of course) and attacking the kitchen with music keeping me company. When that entire period went to hell, I drove back home and the player was with me. I still listened on occasion even after working my ass off to build an audio system in the car. The little portable technology stayed with me. Some time later it lost the ability to read a disc, so I brought it to the repair center and left it with them for several weeks, after which it was returned to me in perfect working order. I did not use it very much, but needed to know that it was fine and available whenever I wished. Most of the time it remained put away and protected in a leather case. Every now and then I thought about it and pulled it out of the closet just to gaze and see the past. A few places to live later and technology had leaped into the stratosphere, so much so that many people yanked the audio from their CD collections and transferred everything into a computer and eventually some music player that could go anywhere. Tiny, no moving parts, and nearly one-hundred percent reliable. The CDs were fading, yet still available everywhere. Well, I followed suit when the player again had issues reading discs, and that was the last time. I decided it had become a keepsake and no longer needed to operate. All wrapped up nice and neat, it sat in the closet once again. Another two moves and it was still with me, this time in my safe for protection. Yes, still that important.

Cut to the isolation and shit of eleven, the tail end of that year becoming the biggest fire sale ever. I dumped everything from my precious camera to my favorite watch, even the fucking portable tool set which had been carefully built over more than a year. I loved it so much. There in the safe was the CD player, all shiny and beautiful, yet not working properly. Beyond simply unable to read discs, there had been something else and I knew the cost to repair it again would be high. Thinking that every dollar was to be directed toward my living space and maintaining the apartment for as long as possible, I photographed, listed and sold my precious CD player after owning it and treating it like my child for two decades. I sold it on the big auction site and was surprised to see the bidding go up like crazy. Apparently, that particular model -- along with one other from the same period -- had become quite sought-after and, even nonfunctional, did not dissuade the collectors. In fact, the final selling price was more than she paid for it in the first place. I was at least somewhat happy that it went into appreciative hands. That feeling helped me to accept the loss of one of the most important 'things' I had ever owned. Now? Oh my, do I ever miss that device. To this very day, it stands as a representation of a time period I should have appreciated and cherished more than I did. I have little else from those days. Very bad.



246



The CD player is not the thing, really. The memories are. It simply appeared and did not change with the passage of time, just as an inanimate object should. The point is that I made the decision to turn it into money, and that may be one of the worst botches of my life. Honestly. There was another item she had given me as a gift roughly a year after the CD player which had also become precious over time. That's right, kids, it is gone too. I wish I had not done that, but at the time my head was pretty distorted. Now I am realizing some of the things I've purchased in the last few years are worthless because they are not attached to anything meaningful, like those little electronic goodies from the past. Due to all the time burning away, they became more important than I had thought possible. Sitting here right now I am trying to recall anything in my possession which can compare. Something will come along. I know there are items somewhere which will strike me soon. I just have to give it time. As much as I've written recently about those opening years of the nineties, memories of my D-555 and all I went through with it by my side are ripping me to shreds. I've made a lot of mistakes in my time, but letting that little guy go out the door ranks among the worst. Unbelievable.

Warm outside again today, but still nice in the house. The morning is nothing I wish to discuss other than completing my chores, some of this, and coffee.

Switchtrack.

I have been inordinately preoccupied with my physiological condition today. Just after two in the afternoon and I have already devoted hours to the same. I don't know what to think. Some things are built up in my head to a degree I had not thought possible. I have brought this subject up prior to this paragraph but left it so foggy that God himself could not sort it out. That is for good reason as I have no wish to be ridiculed any more than I already have. I don't need that kind of crap right now as this is difficult enough. The issue in question is not one of the big four, either, so don't get your shit all in a twist. This is different and capable of affecting the remainder of my life by effectively removing one of the most important reasons behind me still drawing breath. Important is not enough, really. Nearly above all other things and for many, many years so elusive that I thought it unreal. Now I am on the other side and cannot seem to rest or come to terms with reasoning. This just sucks out loud and right down to the fucking ground. I have to learn and understand or my days are numbered. Yep, that big of a deal right now. If you automatically draw a conclusion even with me being so veiled, you are incorrect. And? Go elsewhere. I am not far away from the ability to completely lock this content. Believe it. Usernames, passwords, email involvement.

Already drinking just after half past two. Ugh.

There is one possibility which may link the D-555 to my present inability to be happy. I may feel that too many parts of life pushed aside or otherwise disregarded in favor of my own comfort might be too much of a cost. Far too much, honestly. If I am to watch the big hand of Karma swinging around in my direction, well... I've done many bad things and alienated too many people for any sort of penance. I can apologize up one side and down the other all fucking day long, but cannot go back and fix anything, ever. Like a wrecked car brought back to spec by master artists, right? It is still not as it was, no matter the expertise. I truly hope I am not that bad off, and since there is no way of learning the truth of such a hunch, I will have to believe it and that means faith. Ugh... Short supply. Like... None whatsoever.

Perhaps my central preoccupation must be to decide whether or not I deserve to be happy at all.

Happy birthday, dad.

Sad face."



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