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09-07-2019 06:02 pdt

We are considering removing the archived entries which were published prior to the titled era which began in early 2015. The essay pages each hold site news (when necessary) and information about development as well as work behind the scenes, and the older sections are at the extreme low end of site hits and visitor browsing. The times are in the gutter. Admin no longer recognizes the dated archives as relevant, nor are they seen as content for the future. We will likely drop those pages in the coming week.

Aside from that dramatic detour from the origin of this endeavor, the option and possibility of migrating to one of the other domains is still on the table.


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Final Flight I


"Sitting on the balcony and staring at that vast ocean had become my only view of life outside. Weeks of remaining alone and away from others were taking their toll on my ability to move forward, and when combined with the acid in my heart over losing the angel, I started to feel caged. All at once the idea of running slammed me like a fire door after the magnets released. I walked back inside with Andrea's eyes in my brain and the knowledge that the others were still unhappy with my actions throughout the past few months. On top of that, two doors down was the Brunette, equally alone and upset. I stood there surrounded by my things and could take no more. A plan formed, bag packed, shower, and back out into the mild air I went. I felt the need to hide in plain sight yet again. And the arms… the caring… Was it still out there? Was she out there? Would it help? Or was I reaching too far beyond reality for anything to help? That which I needed was clear, however the fear had mounted quite enough for me to run away.

Flight booked. Time to stay out of sight.

Cut to an hour later, the slipper having not budged from the garage, and I was in the terminal at the same fucking bar where Michelle and I sat before running to the goblet. I knew what came after. I fucking knew that leaving would help nothing and I would be left the same saddened and defeated soul just as after the other trips. Andrea and Juliette both made me promise to stay upright. Well, the only joy I had experienced for some months was knowing I could hide away and melt into an embrace. Hopefully. The bar glowed as I dimmed to the thought that no matter how comfortable I became while heading to that town, the end expected would arrive and hurt me soon enough.

Room booked. Resources waning. Booze, then boarding. Not a word to a single female.

Sitting in first class alone again was heavy. The weight was enough to force dreams of Michelle all wrapped around my arm and us sharing headphones. That first run with her was quite the drunken affair, but the second trip held none of that. Still, we were fairly unhappy about knowing we would not be gone long, and I did my best to push that thought away (like always). The feeling of us leaving for Vegas the second time was wonderful despite the trouble I was causing by running again. I sat there in the big seat and enjoyed a drink along with Virgin's impeccably friendly service. The attendant was right up my alley... tall, dark hair, beautiful hands, all of it. I stared and sipped, and then stared some more with the occasional smile forced from God-knows-where. No reaction other than professionalism. Wonderful.

I sat quiet -- despite the dark, exotic beauty that came by so often -- and reflected upon why running to that city had become so important over the years. Juliette had asked what brought me there during a time when my life seemed organized and comfortable. I had no answer for her other than believing that I felt I could hide among the mass. I told her it was like Disneyland in a way. That park is typically crowded during most times and due to the sheer number of guests no one really has the time to wonder about others. Each individual is invisible in a way, and focused upon their own enjoyment. My being in a crowd was usually uncomfortable, but moving through such a fantasy world seemed easier due to so many people concerned solely with engaging as much as possible while there on a given day. Maximizing their time took effort. With sunglasses hiding my eyes, I blended. Vegas was similar, albeit at a slower pace. The resorts and sights were more important than a single person making their way from place to place. Decades spent growing up in Nevada casinos meant I knew how to present myself and understood the operation of those machines. Juliette grew up in Vegas, worked in a bank for years, and actually spent less time in the gaming culture as a grown resident than I did as a child. I knew it well, felt right at home in such an adult atmosphere, and spent so much time exposed to the dimmer aspects of the legalities that they became second nature and deeply understood. Explaining how I felt about the Silver State was not easy. As I sat considering my circumstances and reasoning behind always making that place my first choice, the beauty returned with a smile. Round two, yet still no words toward her aside from a thank you. But I wanted it.

Approach soon after.



354



When that woman returned to pick up anything I no longer needed, I tossed it to her. A line. A heavy line from my already distorted sense of reality. That's right, for the millionth time I hit on a flight attendant with little or no care as to the result. Her reaction was priceless... A smile, sharp retort, and then she bent down to address me privately. I received a slam that was expected but still very surprising. The facial expression during our exchange was soft and sweet-looking, and that only pushed the desire to melt into a warm embrace that much more dramatic. Up close I could see very feeling eyes and a look of a person who entered that career to care for others. Unfortunately, my offer of meeting for dinner was declined immediately with the following words clearly outlining her sensing that I was in need of much more than that. There it was, again. Just like so many women in the past, one who did not know me quickly derived my state through my hungry eyes and reacted accordingly. Her response was quick and to the point. I dropped, polished off the whiskey, and sunk down nearly far enough in my big seat to feel invisible. One more visit from her a few minutes later brought her close again, that time with words of encouragement. She saw right into me from a standing position and with little contact, read me like a fucking book, and remained calm and sweet the entire time.

One more strikeout from the reckless idiot I had become.

Landing. Goodbye beauty, hello warm jetway.

McCarran had begun to look like my own personal transportation hub. So many flights in and out of that same section for years. The one occasion which stood out was Andrea and me waiting to board first class to Orlando. The universe was ours to enjoy. No schedule, days at the Polynesian in front of us, and the adventure of a lifetime. That wait was the outset of the best period of my entire life and hit me like a brick as I made my way toward the weather. I was able to navigate the terminal smoothly and without needing signage. I packed light as usual which meant cruising right past the claim and straight to the legendary taxi line. Moments later I was there. The place of memories, pitfalls, bliss, sex, alcohol, dreams and suicide. Good or bad, I did it. The Mandalay Bay... Again. Learning? Nope. But I loved it beyond words.

The good and the bad combined. Fuck it.

I asked the courteous attendant at the desk to block my phone and grabbed my shit to go upstairs and get in proper order for appearing in the club. Elevator, many floors, room, comfort. I organized myself, felt a bit better about venturing back downstairs, and made a beeline for the Island. A few familiar faces trotting to and fro with their serving trays, but otherwise I saw nothing remarkable in over an hour of relaxing next to the service bar.

Out of the bar I went, and across through the pyramid without a glance toward Aurora. That lounge was something I desperately needed to avoid for self-preservation. All of the difficulties each time I was in Vegas generally sent me directly to Aurora and every single occasion found me wallowing or flying. Nothing between. Ashley was all over me at that bar, Grace, Jasmine, Juliette, Andrea, Sandra, Eleanor, fuck me in a fucking rotten dumpster. Each of those women lifted me in their own way and much of that took place in Aurora. I needed to sit there again like I needed a fucking hole in my forehead. Gone. No look back.



352



I decided to grab a car from the Luxor lobby and have it drop me a little way north at Caesars Palace to look around and possibly find a snack. That resort is enormous and the perfect place to drown into the multitude. The Seahorse? Julie? That could be bad. My reasoning for dashing back out of town was anything but sound, however throwing myself into that same psychosexual nightmare did not seem a good plan. I avoided that bar, too. Where to go? I continued through the forum and past places that felt like knives in my heart. To the left and the short end of the Forum was that second floor booth where Andrea and I shared a slice of cheesecake. Fuck me. God damn did I miss her still. All of them. Everything. I stopped, stood there a few moments and realized that flying out of town was a mistake. As unhappy as I was at home, the goblet had nothing for me in any direction other than down. I could not stand the feeling of being alone and yearned for a woman to help me feel ok. There was no one on my arm.

Further I went until reaching the end of the mall where I stepped out into the warmth and needed a moment. The west side of the strip that far south is constantly bustling so I had to move away and find a corner for a smoke. Standing there for a little while... Well, I had never felt so alone and miserable. Flashes of sliding down the Luxor to my death, dashing into traffic just like when I ran from the Brunette in the city, and all those drives on various highways with me staring at the bridges as a way to end my misery ran along my psyche like pages from the story of my life. The manual with step-by-step instructions on exactly how to choose a pathway, cause as much emotional and financial damage as possible, back into a dreary, drunken world of illusion, and then take that one last step to erase myself and everything. And then the epilogue with friends and family standing around still berating me after I am gone. I would not blame them at all. I knew me, know myself, and stood there with the responsibility of a lifetime sitting on my shoulders waiting to be brushed off in favor of that fucking delusional comfort that I needed in order to survive.

And the drug. Yep.



355



I tossed caution to the wind and decided to visit First Food & Bar to see if Ellie the kitten was still there. The walk was something I knew very well, and having spent so much time in that town I likely could have made my way from one club to the next with my eyes closed. As I cruised the moving walkway into the Venetian, memories from two disparate time periods flowed into me and caused a slight falter. I stopped short, looked to the right, and there was the fucking door that the angel strolled through when she departed the lobby. Right on the heels of that? Yep, the afternoon my wedding party took to the limo for a ride to the chapel after walking out those very same doors just months before Andrea. Jesus fucking Christ. Of all the havoc I wreaked in ending that long-term relationship and running around the country chewing through resources, I was surprised to be standing there at all. Many occasions -- sometimes several times throughout a given day -- had me unwilling to go on in life with the guilt I could not release. The doors could have slammed me into oncoming traffic and took it all away.

Moments to compose myself, and then I entered that haunted club with hands shaking. Right on through the happy, excited people, and into the beautiful Palazzo. Up, across, and there it was. I entered a mostly-empty dining room and made a beeline for the bar. Immediately the bartender approached, smiled and asked of my needs. I gushed that she was gorgeous and ordered a scotch and a glass of water. She poured my stupidity, returned, and I asked of Ellie. Was she there?

'Uh huh! She is around here somewhere. Hang on, hon.'

God damn I already wanted to jump that girl. No matter. Ellie would recognize me. I sat and looked around a moment before telling the cutie that I needed to move to the window. Across to the table where I sat after Andrea left, plopped, depressed, and already calculating that the trip that morning was a mistake. I nearly could not handle the loss and damage I had created since the previous fall. I had walked myself along and ended up placing myself exactly in the area where the angel and I had gushed over and over. Andrea was an enormous life-defining period for me. Remembering her departure was as painful as knowing the hell I had caused by running to the coast after only four months had passed since my wedding. And our room upstairs... Wedding party, booze, laughter. The present? Only booze remained. And pain. A tap on my shoulder.

'What the fuck are you doing here, mister?'

Fucking adorable. I turned to see that gorgeous kitten with arms wide. Big hugs, kisses, smiles. Wow, what a way to boost my otherwise sullen day in the goblet. She immediately asked if I was again in the Venetian. Nope. But I assured her that if she had the time I was available for lunch, dinner, or whatever. The kitten stated that the impending evening would be wonderful. She wished to catch up. Oy. I would have to tell her about Natalie. Oy, again. Ellie had made a point of instructing me -- not just telling me, mind you, but fucking directing me -- to avoid anything like that until I repaired myself. Well, that was just not possible after all those weeks of drowning into everything which pushed real life far away. Naturally, I did not even try to stay away from other women. I ventured to that bar fully prepared to fall off the stool but Natalie was right there. Heroin. Need. Depression. Everything pushed and I threw myself toward her. I knew Ellie would ask, and that kitten was too special for me to lie. And she again looked bright and beautiful just like months earlier. To see her standing there smiling at me was amazing. Gorgeous, soft, and wonderfully kind. I gushed a little back in her direction, received a smile and giggle, after which our meeting was set. Ellie became all breathy and whispered into my ear.

'So good to see you, lover.'



388



One more kiss and she trotted away with not one, but two looks back. Holy Christ. If nothing else, I did have her company on tap. Such a quick and simple little exchange with her, but it brought me up more than I thought possible. All at once I saw it as a stepping stone leading me to being more positive. Maybe. Ellie's loving manner took me off my feet after my heart was shredded, and to think that she wanted to see me again meant that I had to make an attempt at being a whole person. Yikes. That seemed a tall order. I was quite the reverse, and had been for some time. There was no rise within me, only further little steps toward the ground. Losing faith, losing friends, and running out of reasons to wake up in the morning. In fact, upon saying goodbye to Natalie the fucking goddess, I had nothing left. Just me and my broken self. I finished my drink and headed back to the cutie at the bar.

And that refill came along with something else.

Upon sitting and getting a bit comfortable with thoughts of meeting Ellie later, the bartender returned with a smile. I watched her a fair amount before she cruised toward me. Bouncing hair and breasts, a beautifully crafted manicure, dark eyes, and much younger than I had noticed at first glance. She arrived in front of me and I immediately told her of how she looked. Big smile, glancing down and blushing, I noticed her little name tag read Julie. Fuck me... Another Julie? Weren't all the Julies usually blonde? Heh. She took my glass and refreshed it and then softly told me that Ellie had told her all about me. Huh? Why? I had been pretty fucked up after parting with Andrea, and I felt certain that all of it was written on my face. I ended up terribly hurt and sad, went home to everyone upset with my decisions, and threw myself toward Natalie for comfort. After that? Ruined like always. Everything that had taken place was simply too much to hide. Plus, I continued to reach in the direction of any female who might help by listening. As Julie smiled wide at my attention, the ridiculous druggie instinct kicked in and I lunged. Another dinner. The next night. Yep, no matter my reasoning for flying back to that most damaging of destinations, still I exhibited the behavior that I knew would lead me to sadness. But I had to... I needed that companionship and affection to keep me up. After months isolated at home and remaining at arms length with the world, a caring female next to me felt like a dream, and something I literally was too weak to live without. The end was always expected, however being with a woman for a short time and then falling down seemed better than me alone. Either way I was not well. Why not dive?

I continued to flirt my ass off with Julie, along with seeing the kitten every now and then, and began to feel as if I might be ok staying for a few days and then returning. There was nothing for me at home... No work, prospects, people waiting, nada. Just me. Looking through more comfortable eyes was one way to keep myself up and Julie helped in other ways. I felt attractive and full of life throughout our little conversations, and only a few times did I push. Julie seemed receptive, so I kept going. Watching her walk around behind the bar pressed me into that familiar space of longing to see inside her pants. She was curvy and adorable, young as hell, and moved with the energy I had not felt for years. I wanted to see her that night and learn more, but Ellie was first and boy did she know a lot about me. Yikes, but at least she didn't tell me not to drink like last time. Ellie returned and leaned toward me, smiling.

'Where are we having dinner?'



397



'Wherever you'd like, kitten.'

Big smile.

Ellie told me to pick something in Paradise as she did not spend much time south of PH. I assured her that dinner would not disappoint. As she went back toward the kitchen, Julie turned back to me and asked the same question. Oy. I told the cutie that dinner would be in my hotel, if not across the street. She dropped a glass of water in front of me and winked in response. Nice. Having nowhere else to be, I stayed put and spoke with both of them for another hour or so before wishing to go elsewhere for a bite. My date with Ellie was hours away, so there was plenty of time to prepare myself. One huge difference was that I had packed a little better than the previous trips, and I at least felt comfortable in nice clothes. I was in a fucking t-shirt when I met Juliette the dream at her place of work. Oof, did I feel small. Walking through clubs underdressed was just not the way I had been raised. I waved to the kitten, she swung by and hugged me tightly, Julie blew a kiss, and I headed back out into the giant machine. I needed to get back south where I felt at home and much more at ease. The Mandalay Bay and its built-in cozy familiarity. Out the door with swirling images of those two girls.

I made my way the hell out of the Venetian and pointedly avoided the lobby, although I still spied the fucking main entrance and had to steel myself against the past. All those memories were difficult in the extreme with which to deal, especially considering that every single issue which arose in the past seven years with regard to bad memories was solely my doing. Every person involved and every decision I cut through were matched -- they ran into further trouble due to my actions as well as inactions. Day after day I plowed through everything before me to align the world to my needs and comfort. The path I left behind was horribly disfigured, angry, unsettled, and rife with eyes which looked at me as if I was the pinnacle of damage-causing possibilities in the world. I continued to do it just as I continued to walk and grade aside the issues in order to further mire myself in that which I needed. All of it.

Across the street where the people were shooting photos of the massive resorts and enjoying the sights and mild weather. And then a slight right turn into the forum for an entirely different set of memories. The other side of the street would have been just fine, however the forum was unbelievably beautiful and I could never avoid the sights no matter whether I was on a family trip or a drunken getaway dripping with sex. Along the path toward the north half of that massive casino was the delicious combination of La Perla and the Palm. All those names -- each one of them on my arm right past those two massive sets of doors at one point or another -- flipped through the back of my eyesight like a Rolodex with far too much power. Quickening the pace out of self-preservation, I decided to get through and back out onto the street before reaching the big fountains just south of where Andrea and I kissed and realized we loved each other. Stepping. Depressed. Sad. Fucked up in the head like never before. I made my way out of there and toward the boulevard breathing as if I had just avoided falling off a cliff by the skin of my fingertips.

The fountains. Ugh.

Continue. Keep going. Don't implode on the street. Push it away.



599



I walked straight along the sidewalk to avoid seeing anything in the clubs. And then I had to get out of that area. Something inside snapped. No more sights for a while with my heart all chewed up like a dog's toy in a muddy yard. I turned on my heel and quickly moved back to the main entrance of Caesars. Taxi. Gone. Jesus.

Back home again.

I flew up the elevator and dashed into my room as if my feet were on fire. The pain became too much, and despite my impending dinner with the kitten I could barely contain myself. Unlike the Luxor, the Mandalay was totally vertical and that meant I could go out the window with zero chance of surviving. Everything gone, everyone out of my head, and nothing to worry over anymore. Finished. Done. Ended. Goodbye. And boy did that ever feel like my only option after months of heartache and years of difficulty. There seemed nothing else I could do aside from going out of my mind and running into the arms of a woman, turning around after realizing that I was making a mistake, and then heading home in a worse condition than when leaving. The temporary moments were shrinking and my need had been increasing. But nothing was enough to keep me upright for any decent stretch of time. I could sit and live like an average person for a while, enjoy a few things here and there, but eventually the desire would slam me like a wrecking ball and remove all sense. I was just too weak to stay clear of the drug.

I stripped myself of clothing, filled a glass of water, and flopped on the bed. Defeated. I could only hope to be decent company for Ellie at dinner. Thus far there was nothing in my stomach aside from booze. As the memories continued, I tried to relax and think of the future. Alarm set, and then a nap. Dreams of Andrea all over me at the Polynesian.

Afternoon found me still uncomfortable but looking forward to dinner and having some time with Ellie. My previous trip and nights with her were wonderful, especially after losing the woman of my dreams and feeling more alone and down than ever. Ellie cared for me and I tried to do the same for her, even in my weakened condition. She helped, pressed me to go home, and left me feeling a bit better than I had two days earlier when the goddess rolled out the door of the Venetian. I showered and put on clothes I thought Ellie might like, and awaited her arrival at my door for the first time since leaving months earlier. Thinking of her standing there in my room brought the heroin to the forefront, naturally, however once she was with me I had to keep myself in check. If anything was to take place aside from dinner and conversation it would have to be up to the kitten. I was not going to say a word about my desire.

A while later, a knock. Oh mama.



389



I threw the door open to see that girl looking as beautiful as I had remembered. She dashed at me with arms wide and kissed me deeply before saying hello. God damn, there it was. I immediately needed to dive into her clothing, and after the closeness and intimacy we had shared in the past, the feelings were stronger due to knowing that we were very compatible and sweet toward each other. Holy fuck she was right in front of me with all those curves and smooth skin. I needed to cram her little body into my mouth. Stop. Just stop. Be a person for once.

'Wanna talk a while before going out?'
'Okay kitten.'

She smiled in that fucking adorable way that just killed me inside. The girl was so wonderful and affectionate that I remained in disbelief that she was next to me again, and after all that time. Wow, what a person to spend her valuable time with sordid me. And then a deep kiss that nearly slammed the sex into my brain. I enjoyed smelling her hair and lotion, feeling her little body against me, and the soft, caressing manner that her hands glided all over my face and neck. She was already driving me crazy and saw it.

'I am sorry. Couldn't help myself.'
'It's ok. Whatever you wish.'

Ellie backed off and walked us to the sofa for a little conversation. We sat and spoke of the last few months since being together and I noticed that her eyes were locked to mine when I told her of the difficulties I had endured. She then expressed her desire to leave her place of work and go back to school. Worry over moving up the ladder in a restaurant and achieving a high pay scale made her fear becoming trapped. Ellie did not mention Andrea at all, as she already knew the subject was tough for me. I listened and held her hands the entire time. After a while we decided to head down to the restaurants and see what looked good. Just like so many times, I again watched her walk to the door with her ass in my eyes. Those legs had been my buffet on two occasions and I wished for it even more after being away. My head squashed the sex, I took her hand in mine and we moved along to the casino.

Rumjungle. Brazilian servers, stunning bartender, and my head spinning with all of the sexually-charged atmosphere of that restaurant. Ellie told me she felt very short being among the gazelles, but I assured her she need not worry. Her beauty was captivating and endless. Smile, hands all over mine, and big, emotional eyes. All through drinks and dinner we spoke of our individual lives and the connection we had shared after I fell off that cliff in the Venetian lobby. She had been weighing options in life, staying busy with work and study, and I was surprised to hear that I entered her thoughts often. Wow, what a fucking sweetheart. I had apparently had quite an impact on that little thing. I told her the same, and that I had been dreaming of her for a while... Even the night before. Another kiss and a whisper that being with me brought her comfort.

Oy. The return of carnal thought. Druggie, incoming. I wanted her immediately.



128



Throughout dinner my head went from sad to thoughtful to comfortable and in between each of those was my brain diving into the thong I knew she would be wearing. Ellie knew quite a bit about me, including the way my mind worked with regard to women and sex. She had gone to great lengths in trying to understand and help me to like myself and go home after all those weeks of living in a big bubble with Andrea, and then in a smaller space with herself. I constantly wanted more but the kitten shut me the fuck down and made me promise to board a flight home. So I did.

A little while later we took off from Rumjungle and went straight back to my room on high. Ellie was connected to me the entire way, however I was not paying my typical attention to her because a problem was brewing in my head like a storm quickly approaching. Goosebumps grew on my forearms and neck and I slowed our pace enough to catch her attention. Slower. Stop.

'Are you ok sweetheart?' Pause. 'No, you're not. c'mon.'

She tugged at me slightly and we stumbled to the elevator. Once out of the public eye, the kitten held tight and whispered for me to hang on. I did just that but felt as if I would lose my legs to gravity at any second. Doors, stumbling, room key fished out of my back pocket by her little hand. Inside, I took a few steps toward the sofa and lost my way. And then I lost my balance completely and fell just as Ellie realized I had begun to drop. After that? Nothing until I awakened on the carpet some time later. She was right next to me lying still. Oy. Not the evening I had envisioned a short time earlier. I remained still for some time and tried to wrench my brain into remembering what I had been thinking when I became slammed by something just before the elevator. Ellie stayed quiet while I stared at the ceiling. Moments later I took her hand and realized why I dropped. It was seeing the kitten that afternoon at my door. The first time she appeared in front of me dressed to the nines was just after my angel left the hotel up the boulevard. I broke down more than once at the Venetian after being hit by the fact that she was gone, and when Ellie arrived there I nearly lost my shit completely. Had she not come to spend time with me and pressed the idea of going home I would not have survived much longer. She saved me in more ways than one, and the catalyst to me actually leaving Vegas that day was her forcing me to realize that I did not have to be alone. Everything flooded me at once after dinner and I could not handle so much thought that had I ended my life months earlier she would never have known. Or Andrea. Both women implored me to move on and repair myself. I did no such thing. My apartment became a hole within which I hid myself away. Instead, I decided to run back to the goblet for comfort. And I knew seeing Ellie at my door in the Mandalay Bay that afternoon started a process in my head which built itself for two hours and eventually reached a peak, bringing me to my knees.

Upon gathering myself enough to move around, Ellie the kitten helped me to my feet, pulled my clothes off and sat me on the big bed. She then went to the phone and ordered wine. Huh? Okay. My brain was too worn down for analysis or questions so I just sat quiet. Ellie lost her beautiful jeans and top and grabbed a robe. I saw her little underthings and felt exactly zero desire for anything other than peaceful comfort. I laid back, she snuggled next to me and turned on the television. Audio in the background while we remained still and without words. A while later, a knock. Wine and snacks. We talked, polished off the booze, became overly emotional, and eventually fell asleep teary and intertwined. The last words I heard whispered before blackness...

'I'm glad you're here.' Goodnight.

Morning. Darkness. Clearer head.



473



Ellie was against me without any clothes. I was also sans boxers. Hmm. I remembered that she slept in nothing, but had no recollection of anything changing throughout the night. Whatever. Feeling her skin against mine after months was warm and wonderful. I stayed still in the night light and kept quiet, every now and then thanking my lucky stars to be in the arms of that soulful woman again. She awakened and looked up at me with huge eyes. After assuring her that I felt fine, Ellie suggested we take advantage of the hour and head to the shower to get an early start. She was working later and wished to maximize our time. I told her that I had a dinner date with Julie and... Oops. I was instructed to break it off and stay put with her. Um, okay. Her plan was to spend her free time with me once she knew I was in town. Wonderful. Into the shower together, lots of hugging, out and dressed. The subject of being physical did not come up at all. Being near the kitten was enough, and that with Ellie looking stunning as ever. I just could not go in that direction and live with myself. Nude together in the hot water felt comfortable and we only took care of ourselves but not the other. Eyes and nothing else. Out the door with hands clasped.

Strolling through the Mandalay before seven in the morning was new to me. Those past trips alone usually found me up late at one of the bars or lounges and then sleeping toward mid morning before cleaning up and finding brunch. I always liked to eat at a bar just after opening time in order to sit where I preferred. The club was quiet, clean and wide open. Ellie suggested we sit with coffee in Aurora. Ugh. Could I sit there? I stopped us and told her that my breakdown the night before had been catalyzed by memories. The kitten took my hand and pulled me toward the bridge regardless of my issues. Wow. Was I in a position to disagree? Nope. Ellie was in charge and she knew it. Onward with my head worried.

Aurora. God help me.

Ellie wished to sit in the lounge and enjoy some conversation, effectively pushing me to share the past as well as create good memories of that big, beautiful lounge. I understood such an idea, yet still felt fear upon entering. We took to a table off center and plopped. Immediately she leaned in and grabbed both of my hands.

'You're going to be fine. Talk to me.'
'Why are you so sweet to me?'
'Because I love and care for you. Shoot. Tell me everything.'

Oy. But she loved me. The last time those three words were sent to me was the angel with tearful eyes in the Venetian lobby. Damn it anyway. The server arrived, took our order, and upon her returning with our giant cups of cappuccino, I laid it down beginning with Jasmine. The tale of running away and into the arms of a call girl, dashing a year after that damage and finding the dream that was Juliette, and on through to Ashley and our time sitting all mushy in that place. And then Nikki at the bar, Jana and her endlessly beautiful eyes, and a while later that fucking trip to Florida which ended up being the longest, most reckless period of my life. Also? The pinnacle of living. I rolled through some events which Ellie already knew and toward others of which she had been unaware. That girl listened intently and only offered words when I paused. She reminded me of Lanie and her painfully attentive analysis. After quite a while I took a break and allowed Ellie to speak to me, but she did not say much at all. The clincher was my returning home after she and I spent those nights together. I mentioned that I found myself nearly unable to function, constantly pulling the slipper into random parking lots to cry, and sauntering into an unfamiliar bar where Natalie immediately became enthralled with my personality and stories. And then a look from Ellie which spoke volumes. Um...



390



'You clung to another woman?'
'I needed to gush and she was open to it.'
'Jesus... You were that bad?'
'I have not risen one bit.'

After that reveal, the kitten's words became more pointed. She went along instructing me to fix myself, find a direction and stick with it. Stay out of Nevada for a long time and try to maintain a living. Tall order. She was right about pulling my head out of the atmosphere within which I had drowned on so many occasions and caused the others to be less than pleased with my decisions in life. But how in the fuck was I supposed to do that? What could have been a starting point? A change? I had no idea and typically ended up not doing anything except hiding myself away with a stock of alcohol. Still, somewhere within I knew it had to be done for survival. The same wallowing behavior and throwing myself at understanding women could not last. I would run out of resources, reasons, or both. Up until that morning at Aurora, I just did not give a fuck. Comfort was king.

A second massive cap.

We sat there as I watched the server's dress hug her legs. Ellie smiled with that knowing expression. She knew that every single picturesque female in view was going to be analyzed by yours truly, yet there was no worry due to her understanding of me having an issue with obsessing and being tortured by my inability to do the same. Her sweet demeanor just never stopped. I leaned and glanced her cheek, we kissed gently, and the discussion continued. Yep... She needed to hear all about Natalie. Fuck me. I went through each detail of those two days and nights, my need to be against her while sleeping, and on into the horrible loneliness which set in upon me moving into an apartment alone. The Brunette had her own life, none of my family considered me a normal individual, I had been dumped by the federal government and had no income other than unemployment, and was sitting on a folder full of records of my mental health explorations for years. Half a person? Less. And there I was in the fucking goblet yet again. Searching, hurting myself, and reaching ever further for something. I stopped abruptly and stared at her dark eyes. I had nothing left. Long pause. Sipping.

'Tell me about your car.'

The fuck? Tell her about the slipper? Why? Whatever. I did as she requested and regaled her with a two-decade love affair ending in me finally achieving a position in life which enabled acquiring my dream car. I offered a bit of history and detail along with my adventures driving around California and all those times it had been in pieces spread out all over the garage. After feeling as if I had made my point, Ellie smiled and asked that we head out for something to eat. I closed the check, blew our server a kiss, and Ellie took my hand again for another walk. She stopped us short of entering the Excalibur and addressed me in all seriousness.



391



'You did it. You made it through a visit to Aurora.'

Huh? Oh fuck... Ellie was right. We sat in that lounge full of ghosts for nearly two hours without me falling apart. I did indeed make it. Wow. The kitten smiled and wrapped her soft arms around mine to continue our walk. Through the big castle and across the bridge into New York without another word. Her affection felt amazing and still no sex in my head. And such a situation with Ellie looking absolutely stunning as always. Chest bouncing, thighs screaming, and that soft rear gyrating like Andrea. I could have gone in the sex direction had she not pushed me to learn something about myself. The conversation left me more thoughtful and calm than I had been since the idea to fly. Ellie steered us toward the restroom and dropped me there with a smile. As I watched her walk across the carpet my head began to dream of her lingerie again, and for a moment I wished to run us back to my room and swallow her little body. No, not now. Wait and leave her alone, dipshit. Ellie's sweetness and helpful nature demanded respect above all else. I was certain that she would respond in kind, however the morning was going to lead into her work time so I left it alone. She emerged moments later and avoiding the drool on my lips took effort while watching her bounce toward me. Those breasts were in my view months earlier and the memory was often overwhelming. As she reached for me before moving along again I saw a twinkle in her eyes which caused my needle addiction to peak for several moments before I could calm myself from the sight. Off to the coffee shop for a table as I tried to push away the sex. Breakfast conversation left me needing to drink so I told her as much.

'I am coming to your room after work so don't get sloshed, mister boozepants.'

Ha! Ellie knew me so well that she had already planned to keep my drinking in check. Up to that point, I had fared pretty well keeping the demons at bay and my head out of the bottoms of bottles. I had to follow her wishes, too. The knowledge that she was coming to me after work helped keep my head up. Ellie left the casino and I watched her walk toward the self parking garage to the rear of the club. Immediately flashing through me was that first evening with Juliette with us walking two call girls out that same set of doors flanked by security. Wow. Years ago, but still fresh. Ellie's walk was so fucking cute that I stared at her all the way. Upon reaching the exit, she turned and waved, thus knowing that for quite a while I was there unable to pull my eyes from that need. She was beautiful and sweet and caring and everything. And she was on her way to work which left me to my devices for several hours. Damn. Straight across the bridge with a pause at the Burger Bar to tell the hostess that she had amazing hair. Ugh. I could not be anyone but me. I received a thank you and rolled on into the Mandalay to find a cozy seat. The Island? Nothing. HoB? Nope. Fuck me. Where did all those people come from and why were they occupying my chairs? Heh. U-turn and back the other way. I could not sit at just any bar or lounge, I needed comfort and a vantage point. Back past the hostess with a wave and into the pyramid. Too much fucking walking, but there it was. I entered the empty lounge and plopped. A couple of moments and the server greeted me with her cavernous cleavage. Chrissakes.



276



'Where is your partner?'
'She went off to work.'
'Would you like the same?'
'Yes, please my dear.'

Waddle.

One more cappuccino for me to respect the kitten's wishes. And the breasts on approach. Jesus. She knew that I had a connection to Ellie -- whatever that may have been -- so I hesitated to speak outside business. I simply thanked her and pointed out that her eyes were gorgeous. Eyes? She laughed and said the other pair was generally the target for compliments. Yeah, no shit there honey. I told her that breasts in Vegas were an everyday thing, however eyes were windows. Big smile. Off she went with my vision glued to her thighs. Yep. There was no other me. Ellie was coming back in a while, and my head was partially dreaming of her and the rest was split between memories and the lovely server. Coffee would soon give way to alcohol, and in turn, quiet would give way to yikes.

I sat and contemplated some of my past adventures, my phone being the manner in which I recorded some of my recollections. The site was already nine years old, however only the last few years found me taking notes during those times when I wished to remember detail. Kelly came by asking of my needs, so I ordered a scotch and smiled while keeping my eyes above board. Moments later she came to drop my drink and sat. Aurora always had the casual staff while slow, and that day was no different. We spoke a bit of my reasons for being there and she seemed interested in my words. No more gushing about her appearance, just conversation on the surface of everything. She also asked why I was focused so intently on the phone. I admitted that I had been describing her appearance in as much detail as I had others' in the past. I told her about the girl at the car wash and the excruciating detail of that first written foray into my obsession. Kelly was fascinated enough to tell me as much. Oh boy, I was not expecting that. Another Natalie? Lanie? Something. She left for the bar and did not return for some time. I remained there sipping and trying to type. Her look was such that my concentration slipped. Kelly came up behind me and whispered that she wanted to hear more. Wait. What? Fuck. I turned to see a smile and she sat again. I asked what she meant by 'more', to which she responded that the subject was interesting and I seemed unique. Holy fuck, why? Natalie's words were the same just months earlier. I expressed to Kelly my need to be with Ellie and she said she only wanted to talk about it and see pictures. Did I have plans the following night?

'I do now.'
'Cool.'

Meeting place, time, my head in her underwear. Again. Ellie was number one, so if telling her that I planned to meet Kelly for a drink ended with a no, that was that. The kitten helped save me from myself and I had to be respectful. And she loved me. That is no small consideration.

Kelly cruised through her duties beautifully and I found myself dreaming of seeing her features up close. Would she be open minded enough for that? And would the kitten understand? Could I be that close to Kelly without pressure and pain? I overanalyzed for a while before she returned with a refill. I didn't even ask. Did I? Wow my head was getting convoluted. Kelly sat again and began to ask questions. Fuck me, I told her more about the mechanics and numbers, trying to get across the importance of those aspects of the female form. That was not easy, but she seemed to follow along just fine. And then a miniature tennis match within over asking to see more than was the norm. One side against the other... Kelly was a person above all, a woman, and beautiful to see, however the compulsion and her kind, interested demeanor allowed me to feel as if she might be open. Off she went with a touch to my hand. The tennis match escalated to a grand slam event with millions of viewers. Shit. Moments later her gorgeous frame was perched next to me again and I decided that letting it go would hurt, so out came the words. She looked caught off guard but not in a bad way.



575



'We speak for less than an hour and you want to see me out of my clothes?' Giggle.
'I'm sorry.'
'Don't be. Just give me a little while, ok?'
'Certainly, loveliness.' Another, bigger smile.

Gone back to the bar again with me dreaming of what she might allow. Did I want her physically? Yep. She had the heroin, and though I seemed to be in a position to enjoy relaxed intimacy with a woman who already knew me well, Kelly was gorgeous, looked totally different than Ellie, and appeared to hold those numbers over which I had obsessed for a decade. I would not lunge. Looking was another story. When Kelly came back, I watched her legs and breasts as she made a straight line of the distance. By that point she began to look even better and I had put the thought in her head. Sitting next to me again. God her hair smelled good.

'Alright, you have me interested. Your eyes tell me I can trust you. What would I have to wear?'
'Whatever you will allow me to see.'
'Okay.'

I asked that we meet the next day if she had the time. Yes, after work. Fucking hell, it was going to happen. Plus, Kelly requested that I return to Aurora that morning so we could talk more in-depth. No problem. I asked her for one more round in order to calm the excitement of being granted some time with her, and considering the subject matter I needed it. Kelly was very sweet toward me and I loved it. Her personality and willingness to help floored me until the thought of the way Ellie told me to shut down my dinner with Julie. Oops. I had not considered her due to my attention being drawn away for the billionth time by a woman's attention and potential affection. Thinking of Ellie nearly vanished from my radar for a time. Kelly took it, and the heroin made my vein scream at high volume. As I watched her move about the room, the numbers flew, her breasts yelled, and the idea of seeing more than she had displayed in the bar drove me nuts. I knew by the dress that she was slender, tall and her legs were the type I had been studying for years. The rest was a mystery save for her eyes. The more I gazed at Kelly, the more I feared the pressure leading me into a horrible state of mind. And then I worried over Ellie hearing what I wished to do. Boy did that alcohol ever hit the fucking spot. At Kelly's fourth visit my head had become swamped by sexual thoughts and that meant time to leave. I had to get out and let things sink in for a while before seeing the kitten. Piled on top was the notion of leering at Kelly in private sans clothing combined with the scary necessity of telling Ellie of my plan. One hug, a little peck on the cheek, and I made tracks for home. Thank Christ, although the concern ruled.

I made my way back across the bridge and waved to the Burger Bar hostess a second time before realizing that recklessness and alcohol had overtaken concern. And then I paused at the idea of her smile meaning more than a hello. I actually stopped and thought of heading over there to speak with her. Do it? Do not? The woman was striking to see with jet-black hair, olive skin, and legs which took me to a place of longing. On the heels of Kelly, working through communicating my needs to Ellie, and the alcohol flowing into my blood, the decision softened. Plus, Ellie knew me well enough to be understanding of such a draw upon my deviant mind.

I turned and walked straight to the hostess. What a wreck. I did it anyway.

'How are you?'
'I'm ok. Would you care to meet me for a conversation?'



576



Out came the notepad and pen. Dani and a phone number, along with mine written for her. Holy fucking shit... Along with a wink and smile. Why did I do that? Why did she give me her number? Was it ever enough? What about meeting the lovely Kelly? And Ellie? Jesus, my head was all wound up as I waved goodbye to Dani and strolled along toward my elevator. I had to think about everything for a while. Ellie knew all about my desire and obsession so the thought of asking her about connecting with other females did not seem too much. I had a feeling she would be fine with it despite knowing that my falling into a pit required little more than a nudge. We had spoken quite a bit months earlier and she had been very understanding the entire time. While sitting with Kelly, I felt much concern about Ellie's possible reaction, but after really thinking of her personality, it slowly melted away. A thought struck me just before reaching the elevator. Could I go back to First and ask? No, not a good idea to put anything in her head while she was at work. I sat on it and continued upstairs.

Nap. Freshen. Out.

I moseyed back through toward the Luxor to find a comfortable, agreeable place to relax. As I paused near the bridge escalator, my phone announced a message from Dani. Where was I? Wow, that was quick. I responded about finding a snack and asked her to meet me at the HoB. I had to keep in mind that a short time later I was to have dinner with the kitten, so something very light was fine. U-turn and back a little bit to the bar. A few minutes and I received a tap on the shoulder. Turn, gaze. There was Dani smiling and looking smoldering. We introduced ourselves and sunk in for a drink. After a little light conversation about the resorts and her work, Dani asked of my desire to meet. I laid it down in detail, covering all of the studying and writing as well as trying to derive information from static imagery. I explained the difficulties inherent in pursuing a subject many felt was taboo or just plain strange. Her eyes were bright with interest and she commented upon me seeming easygoing and trustworthy. The reason? Again, my fucking eyes. Fuck's sake. Regardless of my feelings about being regarded as trusted, at least it meant that I would be allowed to explore. The girl was gorgeous and right up my alley, which could have easily pushed me into the sex because the heroin never let up. I was still a junkie and sitting right next to all the beauty... And that satiating drug. We ordered an appetizer and Dani commented that she never really had the means to dine in the more lavish resorts. Upon hearing such a thing, I assured her that I had been quite the opposite and could take her to a remarkable dinner on one of the upcoming nights if she wished it. Dani agreed, excitedly, and then asked when I wanted to see her and perform somewhat of a study. I told her I needed a moment to work out what I already had going on and we carried on with light conversation before exiting and saying goodnight. The plan was for her to let me know when her work duties were completed the next day and we would plan. Wonderful, yet still the Ellie situation had me a tad unnerved. I watched Dani walk toward the pyramid -- all those curves yelling for me to pursue -- and then returned to my room to await the kitten's arrival. The walk was populated with thoughts flying through me and three women's faces following along. Oy. More thinking.

As I rested myself and sipped room service coffee, the electronic lock spun. My heart leaped.

I stayed put as Ellie entered my room again and immediately my brain went into overdrive thinking of how many times I sat as a woman walked in with one of my room keys. Oy. The feeling was wonderful yet hit me with weakness somehow. My life had been reduced to me waiting... The phone ringing, a message, someone entering one of the many rooms I had occupied throughout the years, anything except me alone. My value was nonexistent without the support of another. Yes, a woman. And there she was walking toward me with a smile. Ellie had not changed after work in favor of getting back to my hotel. Fuck yes. A big hug, lots of smooches, and I asked what she wished to do.

'I want to make you happy.'

Unbuttoning, unzipping, eyes on fire..."



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