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[07:27 pst 11/26/2017 CE, 1511710020 E]

This most damaging of sagas continues, and we go with the flow, no matter the cost. Admin is most of the way into the asylum due to the long story and subsequent repercussions.



The Fineness, the Fragility, and the Finality

Part Five

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"Hours later, and my mind was overwhelmed. I could not fathom how that woman could have come along during the height of my destructive behavior, and just days later had me so full of bliss that I could not help but love her deeply. The beautiful connection between us was filled with mutual understanding and an unspoken caring which showed itself at every turn. Holy hell was the situation bringing the two of us to a place previously unknown. Not even my time with the Brunette could have been compared. Jesus, Michelle had become everything.

I looked over at her, perched on the edge of the massive tub, and mouthed the words which brought a smile along with gentle tears... 'I love you.' She came to me -- arms wide -- and we held each other for several minutes. As her flowing hair encircled my face, I inhaled deeply and felt want for nothing. The world was in that room, and the outside was alien to me. Others were no longer necessary. Just Michelle.

She pulled me into the shower so we could eventually make our way to the House of Blues for some relaxation. Again we spent time in there together and the hot water was wonderful. The difficult part was actually stepping out of the heat and leaving our own space. Watching her get dressed was another story. Jesus Christ, what a fucking goddess. After my head cleared from the sight of her goddamned lingerie for what felt the billionth time, we left the room. The draw of the gaming did not exist for either of us during that trip... Just the food, alcohol, scenery, and each other. And almost exclusively the latter. Those massive and seemingly endless casinos had been reduced to walking paths and not much else. The adult nature of the atmosphere within the clubs was always inviting, especially the newly re-themed Luxor, and we did enjoy being away from the family-type of environment which felt way off our marks of desire.

We cruised into the House's cozy lounge and sat, gazing, until such time as we could break away from each other's eyes and order.



267

She did anything I asked



Our little slice of near-perfection was not without issues. Michelle had latent images in her head regarding what she walked away from, and I still had the Brunette and that recent terrifying evening in the city. Neither of us could just ignore what remained outside our little world. While within the goblet, we found ourselves hard pressed to wander back to reality because the wonder and satisfaction which was the sum of us could not be avoided. We were too happy and filled with overwhelming love and caring. The world behind and beside us sat there, waiting, and I found myself beginning to feel curiosity as to what awaited the end of the distraction. No sooner did I begin such a thought process, when Michelle asked me what happened between trips. Oh my, that was not something I wished to discuss, but there was no way I could keep anything away from that beautiful soul. I owed it to her, completely.

I asked if we could return to the room for such a conversation, and she simply smiled, kissed me, and agreed. Upon arriving, the gorgeous woman embraced me and said there was nothing which had the ability to keep her from me. And though such a wonderful statement put my mind at ease, I still found it necessary to steel myself for her reaction. So, I laid out the entire affair with the Brunette, from days before that terrible night right up to and including my exit from her cave. Nothing was left out at all. Michelle deserved honesty from me without limitation. Her eyes during the whole story told me she was quite upset, fearful, but still felt for me just as always. Those eyes had the capability of paralyzing me from the inside out with their endless beauty. She looked like a doe about to give her heart without restriction. I could not help but tear up both in fear of her complete reaction and in the memory of the wild and suicidal thoughts in my head when I fled the Brunette. I soon realized that my fear was misplaced. Thank Christ.

Michelle pulled me close, and then pushed me onto the bed where she proceeded to slather me with physical attention. I was so startled that I nearly pushed back, until she assured me that her feelings were coming out with the intention of taking the horrible events from my head, if temporarily. In time I softened and followed suit, and my desire to swallow her whole left my mind anywhere but upset. Her overwhelming beauty took me from myself yet again, and the next two hours were spent in the clouds. On and off I posed her and showered her beautiful body with the attention which she consumed just as passionately. Anything and everything, yet again. As the sun began to glow orange within the room, we professed our love for each other and slid into the shower for the umpteenth time. Gawd, to the nth degree. Her wish was to leave me breathless and without sadness, and on those counts she succeeded in spades. What a soul.

And then, dripping wet and nude, Michelle pulled me against her and slowly whispered that it was her turn to reveal the path which led her to me.



268

Her curves sent me flying



Her story was such that I found myself lacking in appropriate words. She told me of all of her troubles throughout more than three years leading up to walking away from her career and many people. I listened intently, giving her the attention she so richly deserved. I cannot reveal any of the situation here, but suffice to say her path and mine were not so different. I realized that Michelle needed me and what we were doing as badly as I had needed her company. The fact is that we fell toward each other at the correct time and with the space necessary to help us both through difficulty and into a better mental locale. I grabbed her from the waist and then moved my hands to her cheeks, after which I did my best to make her understand that I would help with anything, anytime, and no matter where such things may leave our relationship. Her happiness had become paramount to all other concerns. When her crying slowed, she again looked right through my soul with those huge eyes and let me know that things were not yet settled and she still had much to deal with after all of our insane smoke had cleared. All I could do was try, and she appreciated everything.

We left the room after Michelle made a pronounced show of dressing herself in a bright red cocktail dress with matching everything. Jesus fucking Harold Christ on a rubber crutch. Goddess. I couldn't breathe until the elevator.

In honor of my revealing to her that I spent an entire bloated weekend with a hideously expensive call girl, she wished to dine where that trip peaked. Yes, the fucking Delmonico Steakhouse and its never-ending slough of quality bourbons. Nice. I had not followed the flow of time, but we apparently spent a good portion of the daylight in the confines of the room with tears flowing freely. The clock turns into a propeller whenever such emotional issues are discussed, so there I stood marveling at the hour. She had a stellar point in exiting the resort for something different, and the Delmonico could be light, heavy, drunken or otherwise... fun for all appetites. Excellent choice.

We slid into the bar for a mint julep and took the time to speak with the hostess and bartender a bit. The staff in that place is always impeccable, and discussing a few things with them prior to dining can be nice. Working in such a location affords them a unique and unbiased view along with tons of anecdotes about the ever-changing clientèle. Sitting there for more than an hour turned out to be one of the best parts of the trip. Dinner ended up being quite light. The main fare in that palace of a restaurant tends to be oversized, so we kept to the simple things along with what would soon become too many drinks.

Way too many.

And the world was about to cave in upon me and create more sadness than I had ever dreamed.



269

The mechanics which rule my thinking



We left the plushness of the Delmonico and Michelle was hanging upon me as if she was an extra appendage. I could not get past her scent and unending sexuality, and inside all desired was to ravage her endlessly. Part way along the esplanade and she asked to take a seat for a few minutes. Her look was that of an injured and frail bird combined with enough physical desire to satiate any dream. I longed to be back in the room but did not wish to disturb the moments she needed. We sat there awhile within the passing others, and all the while I caressed her gently from head to waist. She, in turn, held me closely and avoided meeting my eyes excessively. The sum of that bench visit did not prepare me for the conversation we would soon live through. Damn, but the wait became uncomfortable, and I knew inside that the earlier confession to me was the catalyst. We needed to go, and quickly.

I poured her loveliness into a cab and asked the driver to fly us to the south end of the goblet. Reaching the hotel lobby, Michelle was attached to me as if I was keeping her from falling into a chasm with no floor. Her eyes were wet with tears and my trepidation was amplifying at an alarming rate. She asked to stop again within the club so we sat for a few minutes at the Island. She ordered nothing and I bothered the bartender for a glass of water and black coffee. He seemed to sense that things were not well and honored my wishes without word one. I sat there and remained attached to her hand and arm for what felt an eternity. I longed to learn of what was so troubling to her but my wait was not nearly over.

When Michelle finally looked to my eyes and spoke, her words were small and her voice was as that of a frightened child. I did my best to calm her and assure her that her wishes would be honored, and my sole purpose at that point was to make her as comfortable as I was able. Still, inside me was an emotional volcano that I had to hold back. The effort nearly broke me at every second. Feeling the way I did for that beautiful soul, I needed to maintain my composure for her sake and remain calm despite my insides being quickly destroyed. I felt like I was in charge of the happiness of the whole world with nary a skill to pull it off. So I waited, and held her as she needed. God help us. What had happened?

She told me that the life left to the north was eating her from the inside out. I knew she had plenty of alcohol and figured that was at least part of the reason for such an emotional recall, but still her feelings and decisions were not mine to judge, so I listened intently and stayed away from commenting if at all possible. The whole picture seemed as if she uttered one word per hour and life was on indefinite hold. The sun would soon burn out.



271

Every angle provided dreamy proportions



Time passed like mud in a freezer, and finally she wished to be back in the room. Once closing the door behind me, I turned to find her right there, crying, and trying her best to kiss me deeply. I tasted the salty tears on her lips and found it difficult to decide between going with what she wanted or trying to stop her and help. Within a few minutes her sobbing amplified ten-fold and she ran to the bed. I followed along, sat next to her, and heard more about her life prior to our meeting. The general idea was that she was isolating herself and denying all that had taken place for a very long time. I was not surprised at any of it, because the same types of things had been affecting me on and off for weeks. I slipped Michelle out of her dress and tucked her under the bedding in an attempt to calm the flood. Her eyes appeared to be miles away from that hotel room, and as troubling as that was to me, I did my best to stay the course. Time passed, she relaxed much more, and I joined her. We lay there for hours and watched the lights bordering the other large hotels rise against the increasing dark. And I longed to see that incredible smile again.

We slept.

The early morning arrived and I found myself looking out at the opposite of the night before... Lights dimming and automobiles increasing. Next to me was a beautiful woman who fell apart completely. And I mean completely. There was no possibility of entering her head the previous evening and having any effect upon what she was dealing with over and over. I tried and failed, and in the end we both succumbed to the power of exhaustion. I still did not know the extent of her troubled mind, but that did not matter in the least. She was there and all of it had to be dealt with outside what we had become. I knew that fact, and as painful as it was, there seemed no other option. I loved her and would have done anything to help her through all of it. And one funny note... Had I risen before her to shower, that most decidedly would have turned into two showers because Michelle would not have it any other way. Too bad there was just no funny to be found that morning. I watched her sleep and longed for the smile on her face again and the playful, loving way she looked at me for days. All I could do was wait and keep the room as quiet as I could for her benefit.

After some time I decided to order a few things in case she needed sustenance after such a tiring night. Upon dropping the phone to its base, Michelle awakened in all her beauty. She crawled over to me and held on for dear life. The smile I wished for had returned, but within her expression was sadness and the appearance that she had been defeated by something unavoidable. God damn was that uncomfortable. That gorgeous creature was in a situation she needed to resolve and there seemed no way to avoid it. As expected, she asked to shower together and dropped the jeweled bra at my feet, playfully. I did not know which way to turn with regard to my thought processes, so I followed her curves into the marble shower. Regardless of all of the emotional issues at work within each of us, I could not get past the sight of her skin and gait. I instantly wanted her in every conceivable way. For fuck's sake, she was just too picturesque to avoid thinking sexually.

In the shower she laid the entire story upon my waiting ears and things cleared to a large degree. I finally understood the power of what she was dealing with, and again I felt the overwhelming need to find happiness for her at any cost. At the same time, I wanted to run and fly through the window and fall to the ground to end the sadness which began to overtake me. My composure was becoming strained as we finally exited the hot water, and Michelle sensed the change instantly. Once again she led me to where I partially wished to be, despite all of the trials which were piling up quickly. She attacked me -- for lack of another term -- and left me desiring absolutely nothing. Her attention had the capability of sending me to the moon and beyond. The sight of her endlessly goddess-like skin and curves being so prominently displayed was heavenly. We traveled to a place previously unimagined as she made every physical dream a reality. Fucking hell, there was no outside world yet again, and the passion left the universe in its wake.

And then... Breakfast. Huh? Are you fucking kidding? Gawd. Whatever.



272

I needed to see her happy again



Yes, breakfast at the New York New York, along with Irish coffee. That was relaxing, and accompanied -- once again -- by longing, gazing, and loving words from each of us. We were back where it began, but after understanding what needed to take place. The only option after all we had been through was to enjoy what we could and cease the trip on a positive note. I sat there, half in the fucking bag, flip-flopping between staying behind and drowning into it, or spending one more intertwined, passionate flight with Michelle and then walking away. I could not decide, but the idea of death was approaching like a train without a brake. I began to fall. Michelle could see it developing and did her best to keep me afloat until such time as we could fly. All the while her eyes maintained a combination of perpetual sadness and powerful sexuality. She tried over and over to entice me and keep me above the hades which was becoming all I could see. And I pushed everything aside to be where she needed. Smiles, hands, shoulders, legs, lips, and neck... I was all over her and she attached to me. We both knew then the hard part was nearing. We knew it deeply and tried to keep the damage path from expanding. We attempted everything from deep kissing to a trip into the airline restroom. Clothes began to come off and our lips explored each other's skin in an effort to sidestep the impending doom. We used the counter to no avail, we gripped at each other as if we were both falling through the floor and to the ground at terminal speed. Over and over we tried to sex our way out of the inevitable. In the end, however, the flight and passion were nowhere near enough. The exit was inches away. And I could see in her eyes that my narrowing options were becoming hers.

We cried to my car and left the airport toward her apartment. My right hand felt as if the blood could not flow due to her grip. Almost there, where neither wished to be. Fuck it all.

The world was slowing, closing in, and swallowing me like never before. As Michelle drunkenly zig-zagged toward the door which started it all, I could hear her open weeping and wished for only one thing: death. The flashes of downtown San Francisco began to blind me and cut my heart. The street with its inviting flow of traffic, my decision-making process faltering, and the draw of the cold water and the end of everything. All of life had become the necessary separation of us and I felt as if nothing could keep me from finding my own demise. Everywhere I turned my head was disjointed imagery, trees blowing, and my feet on the ground. It all began to confuse me and leave me more distraught than I had ever thought possible. There was no good direction, no option which could cease the sorrow. I looked around the complex and wanted to destroy everything within view, and every person visible. And then I wanted to run to each of them and find the shoulders to catch my ocean of tears. I needed it all back but there was no possibility. She was in the apartment, and I could never be inside again. I could never be with her. Michelle... Gone, and much of my heart and soul violently ripped from me and left within her. And I could see my blood all over the pavement. And then it was gone. She was gone. And I would never be the same.

I simply needed to die and stop the misery which gripped me like the hand of God."



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