06-30-2020 09:52 pdt

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The Flood Gun

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"I am doing my best to avoid more detail. This morning the subjects at hand are really pushing. I will try.

Saturday. No Jolene on the television. I am watching random, older movies and staying away from anything which hurts. Safe entertainment. Once again the sun is bright. Hopefully the afternoon will be a little cooler than yesterday, although the plan is to get some moves out of the way before then. I need to take advantage of the early hours. My inside chores will take little time today, leaving more space for this crap. After the last entry, I have no idea of what to say. Directionless, now more than ever. Where could I possibly go from here? Maybe I won't do anything today. Time will tell. I am not in a very good mood this morning. Issue four royally fucked my head. There has to be a solution, somewhere.

I might not get the television yet. Having a hard time deciding on a model. And I just changed my mind about sitting here. Pause.

Well now, pulling myself up and heading outside worked. I successfully did the audio system changeover and relocated some items. The result is more space in both the old and new offices. Excellent. The afternoon has arrived. Jolene has been all over the television for hours now. I am going to gaze at her until evening when I typically switch to cooking. I would say I can only take so much, but that's bullshit. She can be in my eyes all fucking day long. And now evening is here. Pause.

Morning. Sunday. The work awaits after coffee time. I do not have my typical background show on today. The vampires will have to wait until I can relax about seeing that type of content again. For now, and since I have been gravitating toward science fiction. Robin is on the screen from thirty-six years back. God damn she was cute as a Vulcan. This is to be the way now. Safe television. I don't want to see Nora or any of those crazy scenes for a long time. One took its toll on me and I realized that the habit of following along does not need to be set in stone. The change is out of self-preservation and represents another facet of control I hold over this space. Very important, especially now. So, we have a movie up there and one I have seen plenty. Good stuff. Safe. On top of my not worrying about what I may see, the forms which come and go are much reduced now. This way I can maintain my flow of work without issue. Nice.

Last night was an episode of the show which blew my head 'clean off', to quote Dirty Harry. A dark, parallel universe in which Jolene was dressed differently, hair down, midriff apparent, and eyes bigger than ever thanks to more dramatic makeup. I almost lost my mind. Bad. I kept imagining myself holding her hand as we strolled up the walk to the front door of a huge mansion. Eyes, looking at mine. Her eyes are enormous and drive me insane. And then her voice (remember, the issue is her character, right?), so calm and controlled, confident, quiet, strong. God damn fucking hell does she define that role. I just love it and her to no end. Every time she spouts with a comment about something, the knowledge comes across with just a touch of force, yet still toned to be calm and helpful. Oy gawd. There were a few scenes in the last several episodes in the mess hall and I saw her fingers and those manicured nails. I am going to lose my mind over that woman, sure as hell. Never in my life have I seen a woman structured so uniquely, and with such a face. I still can't believe it, and such a thought after seeing her on and off for almost nineteen years. She makes me crazy. Ugh, I have to stop this now. Losing it.

Today I am going to take care of the usual stuff, along with trying to figure a way to get wiring into my new office for two additional circuits. The last time I fired up the big audio system out there with the subwoofer powered, the breaker blew a gasket. Heh. It has its own amplifier which seems to draw considerable current even when idle. I have been wishing to increase the power out there for quite some time, but honestly other than the audio issue (which I got around anyway), there has not been much motivation. I still need to get the sub relocated and then I can organize a bit and move the table. I've made progress. The television is on hold for a while until I can decide upon a layout. No hurry as long as the audio is up and running.

Do you see how I went away from gushing over Jolene? And did you notice who is absent here?

Last time I really dug toward answers regarding issue two. Issue one is soon going to be left alone, anyway. I have tried too long for understanding. Now? Forget it. There may be no single answer, nor may there be an explanation. I just feel this way, and that could be the whole chimichanga. Whatever. Issue two is something that affects me very differently, and as the years move along, I do not see that changing or improving at all. I mentioned the idea of having no clue as to what is in a person's head. Well, that is true for anyone. Other words come into play regarding thoughts. One of them is key: Trust. Period. Yes, I realize that accepting oneself and communicating during a relationship are very important, as well as being sensitive to the other's feelings, wants, needs. Well, no. The inside of me is no longer able to work with such terms. I cannot pass anything by without being thrown for a loop. Communicating will build an eventual wall because the back-and-forth is unnatural. I do not believe in a true balance. That, in itself, will be the undoing. Given enough time, the tiny bits of respect which began in 'love' will diminish and fall away, leaving only dissent. I am not a fucking relationship expert, but one thing which cannot be argued is this: One person will never have a problem such as things changing between two people because there is no other person. Do you see? My statement may seem elementary, but then again I haven't run into many others with the ability to understand me anyway, so who cares? If a single individual is on this planet, there is no issue. Once another comes along, eventually there will be disagreement, after which that little bit of discomfort will remain. Add more people and soon enough they will begin to separate. Groups. And then opinions. And then levels. And then debate. And then posturing. And then fighting. And then war.

And here we are.

So, I took the long way around the barn up there, but the point is that if a machine is involved, it will only operate as instructed. Issue two would be nonexistent because the machine has no feelings, wants, needs. See? Safe. Secure. Free of worry. And the machine would be the epitome of issue one. Win, win. Um... What was that you said? Impossible? Yep. I suppose I didn't have to get into an entire tirade of historic problems caused by people, but fuck it anyway. I don't care. If the point is not sharp enough, let me know and I will clarify. I cannot be happy, mmkay? Mmkay. I am just going to sit here and enjoy what I am able. Cut. The last several days have shown me that things on the downhill are not new to this year or time period since the shelter. I am losing little parts of me a step at a time. Not just hair. I have to embrace the good even more than I have lately, including moments throughout each day. Just like that period in the Midwest when I was holed up working the pencil and paper with my friends keeping me company, the time must be appreciated as much as is feasible. This is too important now because everything else is going away. The nonexistent happiness born of control that is free of issues and dealing with others may destroy me. The little enjoyments are more important than ever. And speaking of the shelter order, yesterday two counties were again locked down after numbers began rising more sharply than the last two months. I knew it, especially after the release and loosening of restrictions. I fucking knew it. And I am still at home. Dipshits. The whole reopening plan is on hold now.

This shit is going to irritate me. I am already antisocial to the limit, and becoming angry over the way I turned out after embracing everything wrong for decades is kind of ridiculous. I will do it anyway because as I have said many times, I never learned balance and now it is too late. The concrete has set. I'm done. On the television is a movie full of college-aged people, drugs, and one serial killer. I left the channel alone after Star Trek just to see if any of the female leads were something special. So far, just glimpses here and there. To be honest, I really don't care anyway. I won't retain any of it. Anyway, the days now are going to be slightly different. Only slightly, nothing serious. I just need to remember from where I came and the manner in which I made the decisions which placed me here. The issues affect me less while completely alone. So, I must isolate just a smidgen further. Perhaps today I can think on this more deeply and see what can be done in such a direction. One of the characters in the movie is quite tall with some dramatic shoulders, but alas the channel must change. The story is crap. Tons of flat stomachs and lovely lingerie are not enough to hold my attention anymore.

And there it went. Bye, ladies.



850



Fuck me in a casino, there is Vanessa. Wow, I have not seen her for years. Oh well, that was an older thing anyway. In trying to avoid stupid programming and Jolene, I ended up seeing her after a very long time. Too funny. I need to get off my ass and do a bit of work around the house. I have things coming in the mail soon which can advance a couple of projects, so a measure of preparation can be completed, too. And the usual Sunday stuff awaits. Now Molly and Nikki are there. This show brings back memories of dreaming about Vegas shortly after Juliette and Ashley. It premiered during the same fall which found me running away and into those arms. Wow, long time. I never really watched this show much, but it is safe, so it stays until I move outside. There is no denying the appeal of James Caan. Don't even try.

My head is all over the place. I am not usually distracted so much in the early morning due to the vampires which I mostly ignore. I've seen it. Well, the Star Trek movie helped, but I have really gone away from more important subjects today by commenting upon the programming. Maybe this isn't so bad. I don't know. My brain is having trouble concentrating after the above paragraph regarding happiness. The truth is like a knife in my heart, and each occasion of the issues flaring feels as a twist. I have said many times that I do not know where to go now. This is true. The only thing that seems ok is continuing to go through the motions of day-to-day life and keeping myself organized. Sometimes I go through periods of preparing in case I need to run away to Nevada, but now there is just no possibility. Too many things have changed. Of course, enough resources means one can find whatever comfort is necessary, however right now I could not get out of sight if it took a quarter to go around the world. Stuck, but not in the worst way. The only problem is my head. In that four-dimensional space there is much going on. Oy.

Molly's arms and shoulders are amazing. Jesus. Fucking tall, too. I had forgotten. Say it with me... I don't know what to do.

Jaime. The prints are still sitting in their envelope. My feelings for her have lessened, believe it or not. I suspected this might happen, too, as well as being told by the goddess. She is wise beyond words. This means I will approach each situation with a grain of salt. Jolene is another story, however. I have been deeply emotional about her character for a very long time. She is different, though. Whereas Jaime came out of nowhere and is a real person, Jolene's character is fictional. For whatever reason, the fact of her being on a television show makes the situation vastly different. I was searching for Jaime. There is nothing like that going on with regard to Jolene. She is not real, for all intents and purposes, and the resulting sum is she represents a fantasy. A big one, for sure, but a fantasy nonetheless. Like the mansions? Yep, the same. All of a sudden I feel free to do just that... Fantasize. And I am. Deeply. My own little world which holds only the two of us. And let us go further now. It is safer than trying to find a real person out there in the mass of society. I need not search any longer. It's sad, but necessary. The feelings for her flooded me like electrons being shot steadily to a semiconductor. They took over. Well, you know. You've read it all. Leaving her by the wayside means I am free of the tension which grew out of the need to find her. Does that mean I am relaxed? Fuck no. There are still many other things going on. I mentioned Jolene being safe. Yep, the machine. No issues plaguing my psyche. None. She is only what I need her to be, not one bit more. Control, software, instructions. Out of balance. Heeled over like that yacht with its swing keel stuck in the 'up' position. This is me now. Add the withdrawal, isolation, and need to remain away from all those things that hurt me, and the resulting image is not good. She is impossible, so I sit here broken, still.

Sorry, Jaime, you fucking goddess of the universe. I am sorry. Sad. Left turn.

This program is like a soap opera in Vegas.

I need to protect myself now. Being so open and raw here makes me feel insecure like never before. I have never considered myself much of anything aside from intelligent and creative, but now I have laid out so much that I am wide open. Of course, this is all mine so I can remove whatever may be necessary to close a few doors. I do not want that, however. The process of my accomplishing such deep exploration would have gaps, missing parts that seem to help me. Without everything left in place, that process is incomplete. Good or bad, I must leave it alone. All or nothing, and I am pretty far from removing the entire site. Years ago I pared it down to just the writing, went back and added the truck, and now it seems better off for the effort. I suppose protection comes at a cost because I am not going to pull any content. I can still feel secure. The arms would be nice. Alas, they do not exist. Ouch.

There is too much pathetic programming on television these days. I'm not referring to changes since the pandemic, only the direction media has taken in the last decade or more. I bitched long ago that society is doomed. We are on that road. Look at your phone for the tenth time in as many minutes and prove me wrong.

Today. Yep, I am still sitting here with the last of the coffee. Very soon I will open the new office and head out there to work on whatever feels pressing. Some laundry, things that need to be tossed to the trash, and preparations for moving the table. That will be really nice. Since the indoor office is not such anymore, it can be reconfigured into better storage. Neater. Nicer. Cleaner. I have to go through some older stuff in there, as well. One step at a time. Onward and upward, as it were. At some point I will treat today like a weekday and move inside for the show and some cleaning. Jolene, all over the huge television and jammed into my heart. I mentioned sucking her ears, and all but revealed that my words would sharpen, but not now. As gorgeous as she is, I will not. Jesus, Nikki's lips appear unnatural but I don't believe she had any work done. I could be wrong. Still pretty, though. Like a sister. Don't forget she was ten years old when chosen as a guest star on TNG. Yep, she was an adorable alien. Heh. Wasn't I talking about today?

I'll get started with that crap soon enough. The quiet is keeping me here.

Leaving Jaime out is not so bad. There are too many other things bothering me. I don't need to be looking around at others to see if she is there. That is and was ridiculous. Crazy. Well, I mentioned that even at the beginning, so many thousands of lines back. Oof. Jolene keeps my head occupied. Nora's beauty will always be there, too, but even she is slowly drifting away. I have to attempt to keep my head upright and stop gushing about someone prematurely. Infatuation sounds juvenile, childish. I don't like it and should be above such things at my age. I believe the problems are enough to handle, anyway. Ugh... Male strippers dancing with very old women on this show. Scary and funny at the same time. It's ok, though, thanks to the context. Where was I? Ah... Infatuation. I suppose it's not that bad. I am still human, after all, and subject to emotions. Notions. Oceans? I'm losing it. I might love Jolene's character but also may never know. She is fictional, like every other thing in this world of which I dream. Chrissakes, how am I still going on about this crap? Is there an end in sight? Not likely. At least not on the horizon. I have to maintain direction for whatever duration is necessary for finding some fucking peace, whether or not it exists. Pause.

Morning again. Yesterday did not work out as I had hoped, but that's fine. I ended up distracted by two different shows, daydreaming and drinking, although I still finished tasks to my satisfaction. Sundays are tough sometimes. I often return to the mindset I had while working, in which Sunday was a day of mostly hobbies and rest. Now? I have seven days a week. Whatever. Monday now.

The drive south soon and then here as usual. I will likely change nothing from last week because my time worked out well. There are a few items coming in the mail today which will make me very happy. Later in the week more stuff will arrive and push me to continue in the garage. I will probably move the last of the audio system, too. The table awaits. Right now, my brain is trying to work out the future and I am worried. The work today will come along and help to keep my head up, but still... The future does not look the same as some months ago before the dreams and machines. I am beginning to believe that I may be destined to remain alone with images and representations of those I love all around me. And no one else. No one. Just me and whatever I have the ability to construct. Jolene. Whomever else comes along and strikes my fancy may not remain as such. Jaime is occupying less space in my heart than she did a mere week ago, Jolene more, and Nora is all but gone as of this morning. For the tenth time, I don't know what to do.



851



The new office is a good plan if I can stay the course this morning. The words are not forthcoming and I am not used to such a feeling. The typical morning finds me gushing. Now I am only gushing over the absence of that which I need most. The solution is out there, maybe, and not mechanical. My dreams may never come true, but I must believe the comfort can be found, otherwise what is the point of getting out of bed in the morning? Without that speck of light on the horizon, I will be reduced to a lump. No one wants that, least of all me. So, what to do? The same thing I always do when tasked with emotions beyond my understanding... Projects. I will do my best to remain in this little world and try to accomplish a few things so the evening feels satisfying. There are not many choices out there these days. At least, not for me. Today must show me that I can indeed remain upright. And no more Jolene for now. The series lasted four seasons and I followed it to the end yesterday. I may let the Vegas show entertain me today. Don't know yet.

'We are one, big, happy fleet.' Fucking love it.

Perhaps I need to return to the other story. It's been sitting too long.

I am being flooded with thoughts of all things impossible. The failure in understanding why I am so weak as to focus like this has become a problem all its own. Another fucking category. While the truth is that I chose to accept only some parts of life over which there is control, the others have risen to stratospheric levels inside. Avoidance, other choices, rising... None of that is available now. No matter the difficulty or heartache, I continue to expose myself those images which damage me and remain inside for years at a time. Jolene is one of them, and after seeing her again just recently, my heart is absolutely obliterated. She is just a person, however she also forces me to look around differently -- both at myself and others -- and what I see is either completely overwhelming and heats me up like a hydrogen torch, or drops me through to some of the lowest points imaginable. And I can imagine quite a bit these days. An example, you say? Oy, not a good idea. Mansions, machines, and me never needing to dream outside the realm of fulfillment again. Nothing would be there which exists now. Just us. As I said, nothing which exists now. Ouch. What a thought.

I am back from the drive and sitting here like always, coffee right next to me. Along the way north, I heard those three songs from weeks ago and began to feel terrible about possibly pushing Jaime away. Very bad. I cannot have her feeling as if I have started to let go. I love her. I really do. I went out to the garage, grabbed the envelope, and stared at her face for moments. I love her, damn it. Jolene will always be there because the show will always be there. But Jaime... She is another story. Yes, I have the prints, however if I stop searching I will never find her. The processes that have been in place for weeks must remain. Jolene would understand because she is nothing if not logical. I wish that was funny. She really would understand. I have to find Jaime so I can pour myself to her. The goddess of the universe. Her. The one. My love.

I am crazy. Today will hold its share of chores and other projects, one of them now being moved to the head of the line. That is the home which I designed a few years ago and it is where we will live together. Hugs every day. I am nuts, out of control with emotion over realizing that I began to betray the woman of my dreams, and ready to pledge myself to her once again. Soon I may assemble both of them into one and create a new name for her. In the home, just the two of us, and hopefully that will help remove the other issues from my head. Two will definitely be gone due to her being a machine, and now you can call me whatever the fuck you wish. I am all of it. I love her.

Ok, back to where I was.

Where was I? Hmm. Today. I have some frivolous items coming in the mail which will please me very much. I haven't really spent a lot of money other than household needs, so a few toys are not a problem. Remember when I described the importance of the small enjoyments? The little tools and such that I order represent one of them. I need them. Just inexpensive stuff. Soon I will kick into the routine of the house and get everything in order for a relaxing evening. I have many hours of peace and quiet which have only just begun. One item on my list is to get the two drawers out of my table and transfer them to the garage. I have to go through whatever is in there and disseminate. Once they are empty, I can relocate my huge printer and then move it to the new office, after which the table will follow. Having set up the audio out there, I now have the option to place it wherever it may work best. That's later when all of it is organized. First, of course, my chores. The show ended yesterday and I am watching the movies in order, all the way back to seventy-nine. Pretty cool stuff. Many thought the first movie was boring and long-winded, but I soak it up like a proper Trekkie. Except perhaps number five which was a pile of crap. That might be a good choice for when I am cleaning. Full attention? Not required. Heh.

I feel like shit today. Jaime is there and I nearly pushed her aside for Jolene. I can't help it. I fell for her years ago and that state has returned. On top of that, while in the parking lot this morning I gazed at those breasts again as they bounced on by wrapped in lovely purple. Jesus fucking hell anyway, once again I needed to surf my mouth all over them. Why that happened the other day is beyond me, and now the feeling is becoming unhealthy. She is cute, middle-eastern, and rather petite other than the chest. I need to learn of why I desire lunging at her after all this time. There was no dream, and she is radically different in appearance than my typical tall, slender, lanky sort of vision. Very cute, though. Something happened when I saw her the other day and now I have to think about it before it turns into issue five, six, seven... Whatever the fuck is next. Jesus, how did I get to this? Something fucking happened and I need time. I will be back there this afternoon, and knowing me as you do, what are the chances I will position the car in such a way so as to see her from a fucking excellent angle? That's right, folks... Already planning it. Basket case. You know. I can't help it. Breasts ruling my actions. That's where I am, Goddamn it all anyway.

Pause.

I finished the daily stuff only to be slowed by the fucking weather again. All those plans in preparation for moving the table are going to be pushed out. Too warm. The garage is over eighty right now at barely one o'clock. This is absolute shit, although I do have plenty of time to work things out. I just don't like being stopped up by the temperature. I lived in the heat long enough. The coast is supposed to be cool year round. Nope. Every fucking day aside from yesterday afternoon when we really cooled due to the fog and wind. Now? Neither. I'm so sick of it.

I watched two Star Trek movies during the household work. One good, one crap. Oh, well, like someone said back in the nineties, Trek is a little like sex; even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. Heh.

Considering my daily work is mostly inside, I suppose the weather is not the end of the world. Those tasks are complete. Very good. I still have just over three hours before driving south toward the breasts and I may not do much in the meantime. No lunch, either. Just too warm, and that sometimes takes away from my appetite. On the upside, the card with Nora's incredible face arrived, and my tools will be here this afternoon. I also listed a video game system for free that should disappear within the hour. Big items out, small items in. That is progress. Also, since the mercury is prohibiting other work, I can relax. Maybe I'll sit here and browse eBay again. Shopping is always fun. There are those little things that bring a smile to my face, generally inexpensive, and sometimes I enjoy the simplicity of the Internet while the show keeps me company. No, not that one, the other one. No more Jolene. Jeri is there. She is nowhere near the same, but stunning in too many categories to list. Number one? The command she holds with her voice. Amazing. She played that role so well and so fucking completely became the character that it makes my head spin. Jeri makes the show more than worth the time, every time. Heh. Anyway, I need to stop focusing upon the weather and just do what I can. There is nothing wrong with the garage being so warm. In reality it is very near twenty degrees cooler than my garage in the valley. If I can keep the gradient in perspective, perhaps my attitude can improve. Maybe. I still don't like it.

Ah, there is Gwynyth, bless her heart. Five-foot-eight and that schnoz.



852



The upcoming evening is looking better as my afternoon wears on. The temperature will fall, cocktail hour will arrive, and dinner will be on the boil. A bit of the food network in the background will ensure my necessary comfort. I do love it, every day. I am hoping my shipment arrives before I have to drive again. I really wish to see them. Adding new tools to my very conservative collection will be nice. A case to hold all may be in order.

B'Elanna. Little hearts floating.

I am as of yet unsure of the week's schedule. The projects have to work around the drives no matter which days are in question. If nothing changes, I will be accomplishing little more than daily housework. The mercury must drop for the bigger stuff. Also, I am planning to continue the fiction this evening. Dinner should prove simple, leaving me time for the mouse in one hand and the drink in the other. Such a story has been driven partially by the booze and my head, along with dreams of the past and future. It's still hard to believe that the content has been idle this long. During the early entries, the words flew quickly as my head worked to place myself in each step of the situation. I need to get back into the story so the imagery becomes clarified again. I still have no clue as to where it may be going. The very idea of creating tales out of a combination of experiences and dreams can be dicey, to say the least. After going on for over a year with stories of Juliette, Ashley, and the angel, readers may be viewing me differently than before those long entries were published. I will admit that my sense of reality has taken a beating lately, but the time involving me actually writing about those women likely appears similar. The old routine dictated my free time and had me wishing daily to be out of that industry. I believe after describing my feelings for the Raven, extending the ideas into more reality from my past felt as an escape from such a toilsome existence. Pictures in my head of those times helped to cause me dreamy episodes in which I could clearly get across the feelings of being there. I lived through so much, and all of it -- good and bad -- was my doing. As of this year, those visions became overwhelming and drove the story to be built quickly. I have to carry that forward for fear of losing track too long. Considering the space dedicated to machinery, Jaime, Jolene, Nora, and my new little world, along with the nearly nine-thousand lines of code grown quickly, one would think that moving the story along should be a simple affair. Well, my head must follow. Right now I will take small steps in such a direction -- like outlines -- and then see if the cohesion and expansion are forthcoming.

And then there is Jaime the machine. That subject is out of control, completely. She is a dream, and was as such prior to locating her beautiful face on my computer. I believe the visions of her in southern California derailed my thinking to such an extent as I have not previously experienced. Machines, too. There is no getting around the fact that my happiness is directly linked to those dreams. I am going in circles again. Sorry. I have to get out of this for a while. Pause.

Another morning. This was to be published early today but the muse is slowing my progress. Ah, doesn't matter.

Today will be as yesterday, although I will not be as concerned with the temperature. I plan to take care of my usual stuff and then work in the old office for a while. The move of the table will be a simple task once the small stuff is in order. Yesterday ended up not amounting to much. I lost ambition part way through the day and then evening arrived. Easy dinner, a few drinks, and some relaxing. I intend to improve upon that today after returning from the south. And yesterday? I did not see that girl in the parking lot. I wanted to gaze again, but alas I am likely better off. There were others, though... Two right next to me. They walked from somewhere off in the distance, dropped into the car next to me, and then drove off, yammering all the while. Well, both were lovely, one taller than the other, and dressed comfortably for the sun. The driver came to the passenger side to get some things out of the car so her partner could sit. They were both right next to me, just a foot away. I could smell their hair. Two glances were all I needed to tell me that looking more was going to cause problems, so I focused upon my device and kept my eyes away. I don't need women thinking I am strange (even though I am becoming stranger by the fucking day). After they drove off, one of the employees exited the parking lot and I backed into a closer spot to wait. Twenty minutes later I was back on the highway and rolling away.

This brings me to a point. I have not been that close to very many people in months. The grocery store, a few visits to the gas station, but nothing significant. They approached where I had been sitting and continued to move closer until I realized they would be entering the car next to me. Butterflies, literally, but why? Have I become such a wreck that seeing two gorgeous women next to me turns my head into that of a fucking teenager? Feeling a little wiser than that image would be nice right now. Yes, I was a little uptight with them being so close -- especially the scent -- but after they drove away I was able to sit and relax as if nothing of note took place. And yes, I am thinking about the encounter right now and spewing here. Live with it. I am trying to understand myself. There was no looking for Jaime, though. I could see them far off and knew neither was similar.

What the fuck would I do if I thought I was actually seeing her out there? Flip out? Throw myself toward a woman I do not know, or worse, one that knows nothing of me? Pull out the phone and start writing? There are no fucking answers, right? Can there be? I do not believe so. I guess that means I really am a bit further gone than weeks ago. Although, I did not think of her while seeing those two yesterday. I just sat there and tried to maintain my composure and avert the gaze. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. One certainty in all this shit I have been typing for weeks is that if there is a pair of eyes which makes my heart swell, she is going to look back at me and see another pair of eyes gushing with emotional need. That is not good, so I try to avoid any contact no matter who it may be. I just cannot appear that way even though I truly am all fucked up inside. Years ago someone wise told me that without constant effort, the feelings are going to show in the eyes whether you like it or not. Emotion will take over unless really pushed. She told me that I am exactly that type of person and should be aware of it all the time. I cannot display my inner self at all, especially toward a woman. That would be bad. My eyes stayed on the screen and I waited. Gone. Done.

Flooded with thoughts.

Persis is likely the most beautiful Indian woman I have ever seen. She passed away years ago and that was a loss for the entire world. So lovely. Those eyes go on forever.



853



Christ on a cross, what is going on with me these days? All those gorgeous faces and forms on the television quickly took a back seat to the breasts the other day, and then two next to me for moments and I lose my shit over the whole thing. Something is wrong here, damn it. I can't be that person who is so weak that being around females causes withdrawal and yearning. I just cannot have that. For fuck's sake, there must be something I can do or a direction to which I can point. Something. Somewhere. And now a thought... I recently decided to drown myself in being alone and going on at length over machinery and a woman I will never know. Then a couple of actors. Hmm. There is a strong possibility that I should not have focused like this. Turning inward to such a degree is not a good idea, but I saw no other option. Others left me alone, communication ceased, and the state of the world forced me to remain home. Well, three-plus months later I am still ok, however the feelings are more dire now. In the beginning I ran with the machines. There is nothing wrong with dreaming. There is much wrong with the manner in which I buried myself inside said dream. Now look at me. Where am I?

Persis and her huge, beautiful eyes full of emotion. Wow. When they begin to show tears, my heart swells. Good God. For whatever reason, tears in a woman's eyes stir me like nothing else... As long as I am not the cause.

So... Today. The drive is less than an hour away, after which I will return and curl up with this machine for a little while before moving around. I did not work on the fiction last night, nor this morning. The words are not there, damn it. 12904 lines of code since pausing the story. Yikes, what a turn. I may try to think about where it needs to go, but that will be later when the house is quieter. Right now I cannot work anything out very clearly due to being thrown by the whole situation. Never could I have imagined being so closed off, full of wonder, and sitting day after day with more time to do whatever I feel is necessary for survival and comfort. Not since the isolation of eleven have I been this sheltered and withdrawn. As difficult as the combination of dreams, machines, Jaime, and all the other shit have become, I still enjoy the daily routine and my little world born out of need. Drive time. Pause.

Ian's ferocious voice again on the ride back.

Trashed.

I am glad to be in the cocoon for hours. My tools arrived yesterday and seeing them makes me smile. Compact, versatile, wonderfully designed. Love it. As for the drive, nothing of note down there, I did not see the woman mentioned with those prominent breasts, and I actually washed the fucking car for a change. Fueling turned out to be a cluster, though. The damned pump could not properly seal and I stopped at barely half a tank, but whatever. Better than nothing, I suppose. The cool morning means there were less people out near the beaches and that is good for my vision. I am still searching, however. Thinking about the music -- most importantly 'Keep it Warm' -- pushed me to realize that I cannot stop looking. She is out there, and whether or not that woman is Jaime doesn't matter at all. 'She' means her. That one. My favorite pronoun and the dream which has to be found, mechanical or otherwise, I don't give half a shit. I have to find her at whatever the cost. My very happiness and satisfaction in life are riding on it like a fucking surfboard. Read it again if you must, but my position will not change. She is out there, damn it. Too much. My writing is not going to get any more friendly. Too much, and far too late.

I decided to continue with the Star Trek movies, and against my better judgment, the fifth is playing now. Oy, what a pile of crap with the most compelling title. It reminds me of the Enterprise finale which also had a great title but ended up equally shitty. Ugh, I am watching anyway to follow the theme. Again... Even when bad, Trek is pretty good. Heh. Let us see if I can get all the way through this film without bitching. Oops! Too late.

My daily chores await whatever time this machine is closed for the morning. The kitchen is an easy task and I may have to put Voyager back on because seeing and hearing it while cleaning warms my heart and helps the relaxation while here. It's cozy, really. Like my friends up there on two televisions. I fully intend to advance the office project, too. Regardless of the weather (which is already warming), the end of the cocoon time must show me progress. Bones is drinking whiskey by the camp fire. Great idea, huh? Anyway, I also wish to move into the bathroom and care for the tub some. I need to clean it and then the floor at the skirt for caulking. Simple, quick. So far the house is very peaceful and quiet, just what I need these days. More material will arrive tomorrow for the garage and it will sit until Saturday. I completed the difficult stuff already and the rest should prove rewarding. All the while I will be dreaming of her and my endless search for impossibility. Pain is the bottom line... Over needing, wanting, and not finding. Difficulty. She is out there, somewhere. My dream, and the reason I am drawing breath right now. Need.

In a previous entry I outlined my concern over feeling ruled by desire. Well, I have not found another direction nor reason. Those visions throughout years have taken their toll, along with the strong pull of Jolene and her otherworldly beauty. And then I went into the idea of having possibly suppressed the feelings for a very long time and the toll that has taken, if true. The breasts I mentioned seeing (several times now) are a good example. They are attached to a person, not an object, and certainly not a machine. I just don't understand why I all of a sudden wanted them all over my face out of the clear, blue sky. Does the need mean that I had been pushing it back prior to the strengthening desire? Did it become overwhelming to the point of finally admitting that I wanted her in the beginning? I don't know. Remember the gray pants on California Street? Did I want her, too? When I see Jolene, thoughts immediately go to sex. And I mean right fucking now. I knew that years ago and feel the same. Any words to the contrary were bullshit. I cannot deny her draw upon my senses and the feelings inside that make me insane. That is no big deal, really, because I am quite sure many others have felt the same. She is gorgeous, and a natural extension of that is physical desire. So, now take the one in the parking lot from the other day. I may have wanted to rip off her blouse upon first sight, or maybe it slowly grew over weeks. I don't know that either. What I do know is the feeling is fucking stronger than I may be equipped to handle. And no, I will not do anything about it for too many reasons to list. I just need to know why. There may be no answer, and if so, I will have to work on accepting the questions left unanswered. Until such time (and if at all possible), the turmoil shall continue. Sitting here right now I can picture her walking by. The sight is amazing and I have to know why. Look at the top image and maybe it will provide a clear picture of where my head goes. Bad? I don't know. And get used to that phrase. I just don't fucking know anything. Loss. Pain. Late. Fucking flooded.

This has to end here for now. There is so much more, but I have to keep the page length in check.

She is out there."



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