February 21st, 2021 9:04am pst

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Fuck

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"2-20.

Whatever happened yesterday could have begun with a combination of the television show and our location. I cannot be certain now. Too many pieces of information thrown at me in rapid succession, perhaps. I have already gone around the bend with some things, too. The previous writeup laid down some harsh facts regarding fear and the evidence that can drive it, and believe me that goes way the hell back into the past. The television screen was not very nice to me, either. Just more piled on my old head. The entire affair began with me, and soon after pretty much ended with me. The television followed suit later, but the character's difficulty was brought on for different reasons. I have no idea what happened to me. As I said, maybe the location. This morning everything looks a little better, too. Sometimes the clock helps, believe it or not. Well, whatever took place effectively removed more of me from the future. The time passing means it may eventually be minimized, however the fact is I will remain haunted over it either way. The major downside of such an issue is the idea that it serves to push my desire and need even further out of control. That's right. Now I am stuck with just fucking dealing with it. Lovely. My Saturday which used to be so precious and rewarding has now been reduced to a pile of worry wrapped around housework. Nothing will ever be enough.

There is a distinct possibility that my own brain is manufacturing some of the trouble. That is to be expected at times, of course, and I'm quite certain others do the same. My imagination can run wild in two different directions simultaneously. I obsess over something to the point of driving myself crazy, and then when the time is available for whatever I was dreaming, the entire subject has blown my head wide open to the point of creating a fictional gradient between the dream and reality. In short, I 'over' dream the thing, build it up too much, and then fall down with disappointment when the dream is not matched to a tee. Not good. All these years have done that to me. It happens without my planning. Yesterday was such an up/down day, as well. I took care of my usual stuff, went a little further with a project, and in the process became overly preoccupied with one of the most difficult feelings in existence. I was worried. Scared. Full of it to the point of gushing.

I have to get away from this for a while.

I am trying to get a night together after recalling some of the games my family used to play. Cards, mostly. Years have gone by and I want some of those games to return, hence the idea for the three of us to play together. Hopefully I can bring it to the table either tonight or tomorrow afternoon. I can replicate a little bit of the past into this house, along with a link to my grandparents.

Eh... Today. Saturday. I am still unsure if I can visit her to work on that cabinet. The schedule is up in the air to this very moment. Today and tomorrow need to be worked out before I can consider how to proceed with my weekend routine. Everything in order by a certain time each day is what I'd like, although sometimes I must rely upon others. Ugh. People can be flighty. I know... I'm one of them.

The usual today, plus I may go grab a pair of couplings for the laundry drain. Either today or tomorrow I'll need to run some loads. I also ordered the 12/3 to run from our load center to the garage for finally splitting up the circuits. That will get the garage separated from the living space. I never liked the way this was wired, but at least it's safe. Once I get the line run, one side of the garage will enjoy its own power, while the laundry will be on a separate circuit. The way it should be. Right now everything is connected because back decades ago people had less to plug into the walls. Heh. This is one of those jobs I dreaded for the longest time, too. But after completing others I am motivated to get it done before the weather gets too warm. Exciting, right? Nope. Damn, but it's windy outside right now.



982


Sometimes I wish I could just spell everything out and be done with it. There are also days in which I entertain the idea of spilling the entire works to another person. I will appear different after the fact, though. I already know how that crap works. Not only would I be even more fearful, but the thinking of others would then skyrocket out of control within my head. I'm already far enough into the sludge. Still, the idea is compelling, I must say. A catharsis? I don't know. Everything has been saved and stored for so long that I don't honestly know what the fuck may happen. I could end up hiding away and denying anyone the sight of my eyes. Forever. Or I might feel better. The risk is the thing, though. Tons of risk. Once across that line, I am fucked. No way back. All I can do in the meantime is continue thinking about the whole idea.

Some of this is irrational, of course. One tiny bit of information spirals out of control and then snowballs into a huge problem in the space of seconds. That is not the work of a balanced individual. Nothing leaves my head, ever. I remember all of it... From that first severe scrape across the bay to the jogger to the games, and on to my favorite shows and the effective slicing of my heart. Everything. Is that normal? Paranoia? What else? Irrational. An entire universe of problems wrapped up inside me. And I did not put two and two together right away, either. It took time for me to connect the dots and then view the whole image. Once I realized what had been going on -- added to a short conversation right around the same time -- the worry began to consume. Now it has plateaued, honestly. I don't see anything more coming along and making me worse. Really. There is an end to everything, and I believe my state of mind has hit the bottom. If there are other tidbits, I can probably toss them aside for all time.

The belief is now encapsulated; sealed; done. The only way this could become worse is if my fear is actually grounded in reality. I have not considered such an outcome, but alas I may never know. The trust... Remember?

Stop.

This day has already had its share of difficulty, and such right up against noon. The gentleman who has been storing his motorcycle here since last spring came to visit this morning. He is recovering from having one knee replaced and doing very well so far. I was informed that he and his wife are moving back to the Midwest (home) in July. This may sound humorous, but upon them leaving I already know I will be very sad and wishing I was going as well. There is less and less in existence keeping my spirits up these days. After yesterday I am frankly surprised to be upright at all. And then my game night idea shot right in the fucking face. I guess I no longer matter unless something needs to be cleaned or repaired. Difficulty of a type other than everything already driving me down. I really don't need this right now.

Moreover, this morning had me doubled over due to an accident. Nice, huh?

Many times throughout the last several years I have referred to a given situation as unacceptable. Well, all that shit now appears pretty fucking easy to work with when compared to the events since yesterday. I honestly cannot believe so many strikes against my head in such a short period of time. It's unreal. And to combat the bullshit, I've already taken care of my daily routine, gone into the garage to organize the tools some more, finished some dry cleaning, and then cleaned the kitchen a second time after she cooked some brunch for us. I'm also three drinks ahead right now. This is fucking ridiculous.

At least there is one positive, and it is also rather silly. She picked up a pair of couplings for my laundry drain so I can set up the line and wash some clothes. I'd like to get more finished today so my Sunday is freed up for visiting the other one for a good portion of time. My garbage business will be pretty straightforward, too. I can maximize today in hopes of tomorrow being more relaxing. Mostly, anyway. The shit in my head was partially caused by yesterday, too, meaning I'll have to work hard at holding my fucking tongue while around others. Not easy. Never easy, actually. I am compelled to strike.

I think the cocktail is settling in nicely, although my stomach is still partially tied in knots. The time and work can be dealt with more easily than fear. One more time... I really don’t fucking need this right now. I have enough already. The nerves in my midsection and around the back are still not at peace. Damn it all. Pause.

Well, the laundry is creating a river down the west side of the house like always, but at least I'm getting more completed before settling in for the evening. I'll feel accomplished, if nothing else. The nerves are still hot, too. Not really blowing my fucking skirt up, like always. I really do not like this shit one bit but such is the hand I have been dealt since my childhood. Damn it anyway. Not even five yet and so much work being finished is at least one positive in my black sea of crap.



983


Tomorrow I plan to finish my business and then head over to her house for a visit and possibly more work in the bathroom. It has sat idle for too long. We are probably going to have lunch, too. Considering the shitty and haphazard nature of my Friday and Saturday, some peace and quiet Sunday will be welcomed. I really need it. The larger issues may have to remain on the back burner to maintain some solace. I simply can't dive into a long discussion regarding things buried very deep with so much going on. I cannot right now. In addition, the distinct possibility of my falling on the floor over another person knowing of the sensitive issues is not something I can survive. Numerous slaps since yesterday have left me already weakened. Pretty damned bad right now.

I have the finale of the fourth show on this afternoon. I let the entire series run its course, the payoff being that fucking Klingon woman who defies the laws of beauty and physics. The more I see her short-lived role, the more I see alignment with the highest echelon of facial symmetry. She is otherworldly, to put it mildly. As the laundry adventure progresses, the vision of her combined with trouble yesterday are weighing heavily. Lots of thoughtful consideration will be necessary for me to get through this. So far, I am dangling.

Laundry moving along nicely. The completion will leave most of Sunday and the next few days wide open for efforts in other directions. Oy, I had forgotten they replaced Susanna with Alice to play the queen in this episode. They are both great and Alice was in the film, but honestly Susanna is fucking gorgeous, with or without the makeup. Damn. Anyway, I am looking forward to being finished with everything in a little while. I might be a vegetable for some time afterward.

The shows will sometimes put things in my head. I've seen every one of them before and only desire sharing great programming, but the rewatch has forced me to realize just how much more sensitive I am than only a few years ago. Stop.

2-21, Sunday.

More dreams. Three of them. The first? Disturbing. Second? Frightening. Third? Interesting, thank Christ. I don't know what the reasoning is behind my becoming so worried during the nights lately, but the fact is I am going to lose it completely. I suppose there is a possibility that my recent foray into ancestry has bled over into what's going on in my subconscious. I was under the impression that my lineage was historically linked to one particular section of the world, soon learning I am from elsewhere and had been given false information for decades. This new part of the world was involved in the worst of my three dreams. The feeling was that I was being prepped to 'fit in' to their society and customs, behaviors and traditions, when in fact I was frightened enough to wish to flee from the location. It was a gathering which involved a slight disagreement, and that later led to a man being stabbed in my kitchen. The entire story played out in a matter of minutes. My possessions were all over the place, others were speaking to me as if I was one of 'them', and my girlfriend was present, calm and collected as always, trying to maintain order with regard to my things. Everything spiraled out of control so quickly that I had to get out of there. Switch dreams.

I was in a restaurant with executives, one of which was my boss (I believe). Two others at my level were there too, and we seemed to be attending a company party of some sort. I looked around to see lots of nice suits, the appearance of the luxurious bar, and then the three of us decided to get out for a while and enjoy a more relaxed time in one of their cars. The vehicle had no roof. We sat for a little while making jokes about the 'higher ups' in the bar when the other two took off somewhere. I was left there and wished to have a cigarette before heading back inside. Someone came out -- possibly the boss -- and shook my hand before stepping away with a smile. Whatever was going on, I felt as a valued employee who was appreciated by the company's officials. I lit my cigarette and the car began to roll. As I looked ahead, there was little on the street so I leaned over and pushed the brake to stop moving along the side of the curb. Slower, slower, and slower as all of my strength was necessary to attempt ceasing the motion. [I may have mentioned some time ago that there have been many dreams over the course of years in which I am at the controls of a car or truck and need to stop -- the slowest crawl, most of the time -- yet no matter how hard I push the pedal it just continues to creep along and will usually eventually bump into something.]

The car would not completely stop and tapped the rear bumper of a small truck. The ignition of the truck must have been in the 'on' position because the oddest thing happened when they bumped... The truck was in gear and the motion turned over its engine and it slowly drove off down the street. It was at that point that I seemed to be in the City. Two men came out of a small store and began to accuse me of hitting the truck and allowing it to roll away. I resisted, and they called upon two more guys, all four of them carrying rope for some reason. I ended up holding one end of the rope the main character had been swinging in a circle, as if he was a cowboy about to perform a lasso demonstration. I began to back away toward the restaurant and he remained at the same distance from me. I could barely walk and tried to pull the rope away from him whenever he repositioned his hands and slack developed. I thought eventually I could disconnect from his grip and get away. That is all.

Switch dreams again.



984

Jamie looks almost as frightened as I felt


Walking along a wide concourse, alone. A line of sorts, I think, awaiting something ahead. Not a slow line, but it felt rather boring. I might have been in Las Vegas. I seemed to be outside some restaurant or other attraction and wished to pick up a bottle of whiskey. And then there was another guy near me who looked like Colin Farrell. He seemed to be awaiting whatever was there, just like me. I asked others if I could step out of the line to grab something at a little shop. No problem. He and I walked over and I was looking for a bottle of Jack but could not find any. We returned to the line, after which I asked if he wanted something to drink while we waited. He asked for a beer but I can't recall the name right now. Something 'tapped'. I took off to locate a bar and appeared to be walking against the grain, just like the feeling of heading up restaurant row in the Mandalay while a convention was letting out in the opposite direction. The wide walkway was filled, so I opted to stroll atop the planter railing and ended up drawing attention to myself. People watched and smiled -- a few waving to me -- and I began to feel like someone well-known for some reason. A person of note, perhaps. I eventually dropped back down to the sidewalk and spied a bar. As I stepped to one of the servers, my alarm went off and I awakened. That's that.

I guess I'll never know for what the other guy and I were waiting. One thing for sure is the third dream was a hell of a lot more comfortable than the previous two. Sitting here right now feels like bliss when compared to the fear in those situations.

The very thought of believing I hailed from one part of the world -- a place full of wonder in which I took tremendous pride -- and then learning everything was a bunch of bullshit is not really helping me to deal with the other parts of the present with which I have been wrestling. As I am fond of saying lately, I really did not need that. Between Friday and yesterday I was pushed to the limit and then the accident took place and pressed further. I am not doing very well at all this weekend. I almost fucked up the tacos last night due to my lack of concentration. My heritage was likely attached to the first dream. I've worked with some of the people in that nightmarish room. This is not good. I learned from where my family hailed, and then ended up tossed into uncomfortable situations as a result. I honestly took pride in myself right up to the point of discovering the truth.

At some point I have to rise and accomplish some work before heading out the door. Sunday morning is always quiet, meaning I often feel compelled to sit here and gush. The dreams got in the way of productive thinking, though. All the other stuff was shoved aside due to the night leaving my head spinning. I can still see some of what had been taking place in those locations. I'm sure everything will fade with time. I'm hoping, anyway. Very uncomfortable.

Today will be tough. If the last two are any indication, fallout will stick with me for the duration, possibly all the way to Monday morning. The comfort I need may not be forthcoming, however. My head won't let it go. I already know the chores will help, plus I have other items to consider listing for sale. My connection for getting the drill press out the door fell through, but I can list it for free and I'm certain someone will snatch it for their garage or shop. My radial arm saw went quickly after placing it on the Internet. The table saw is already spoken for. More empty space. This is good. Nothing can offset the shit, though. Nothing. All I want at this point is to get through the day and wake up tomorrow (sans nightmares) feeling as if my Sunday had been worthwhile.

I had forgotten an earlier episode of the fourth series featuring Autumn's third role on television. She was all of twenty-one years old at the time. Jesus.



985


Here we go gathering nuts in February.

This guy on the television right now brings back a bit of a situation from several weeks ago. I recall seeing a list and a setting on another television (cable box, really) which indicated something I feared but could not have seen coming. I was taken aback, to be honest, and the situation planted the seed of yet another problem out of my control. One possibility is that it was nothing at all... An oversight or mistake. Another thought is having been thrown a load of lies. There could be something much worse -- and directly targeting my fear -- at work in there but I will probably never know the truth. Trust is no longer an option. I am trying to believe that it had been a goof of technology or maybe just an error. I really am trying to consider such as the reality. Inside, though, everything amplifies... Especially regarding certain names. And he is one of them but had not been prior to the day in question. Another clue? Perhaps. Hopefully something else.

As I said, it planted a seed which will slowly germinate into a flowering fucking travesty. The same thing has happened before, all the way back to the mid-eighties. Another came along years later which took my head apart, yet these latest incidents are worse. They brush up against a growing situation within me which is slowly ruining any ability to either rise above or come to terms. I feel threatened, and when that takes place bad things happen. The machinery is already in motion like the largest train in the world, out of control.

Hmm... Control.

That word relates to everything in my life, not the least of which is the biggest problem imaginable which is a lack of control over what a person may be thinking. Yes, I really said that. I don't know how other people deal with their fears and frankly I have not the time nor inclination to worry about them, but I will say that dealing with mine -- all levels and horrid visions -- is ruining my life. After so much time of nothingness, I was given an option. Said option is causing more difficulty than ever. Unclear. The way it must be. The control is often an illusion, as well. Whatever I am thinking is none of anyone's business, and theirs is none of mine. This is the extent of the fear... It has driven me to be completely unfair and out of balance like never before. All those times in which I was gripped by the hand of Satan do not compare to the forces currently driving my thinking and actions. If I decide to share, I may not live through it.

Nearly time to get up and complete my tasks. The Sunday business is little this week thanks to hooking up the laundry drain and running everything. That leaves just the garbage and floors, kitchen stuff and whatever other organization I feel is necessary for earning my evening. Spending hours outside the house helps, too. Upon returning, the mood is that of having been beyond my sphere of control only to see it come back to mind. These days, the house is the only semblance of control I have left in the world.

I have not even scratched the surface.

313.

She is out there."



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