06-22-2020 06:05 pdt

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r_fullbright

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"Changing her name is only a matter of time. As much as I would like to refer to her as Nora, that should not happen. I might be fucked in the head, but I still have a sense of decorum. The woman's name is not Nora anyway, it is Lucy. Not as lovely. Whatever.

No more 'E'.

After yesterday I decided that I am pretty well screwed. No matter whether I sit here and type or run around getting things done, the future only shows me one image, and that is me yearning for all those things that do not exist or are so far out of reach that they are unattainable. Does that stop me from wanting and needing? Maybe due to accepting those which are obviously unreachable and realizing that the yearning will only hurt me? Nope. Not one bit. Screwed. I cannot stop the manner in which I consider the world and all which is in it. I just can't change myself to such a degree. Oh I believe it's possible, just not something of which I am capable. I think that type of difference would require altering too much of me for success, and that means I would barely be the same person. That will not work. I am not concerned with the way others know me because I do not consort with them anymore. The only worry is being me. A big change will never happen. I have to be me. One morning back I saw Nora (might have mentioned it, too) and after her face sunk in deeper, I snapped. She is too much for me to avoid, so I look and fill up with desire. And then more. The day moved along, evening arrived, and we made dinner. All the while there she was just behind my eyes and looking at a three-quarter to my left. With my heart swelling for Jaime (Jolene?), I learned that my will may falter in keeping sane as Nora graces my vision, and in the end I will not change this. None of it. I am sitting here now in the midst of another weekday morning, the drive is an hour away, and I know she will not leave my head for a second of it. Nope. Screwed. Yearning. Machines, love, passion, desire, fulfillment, everything... Fucked. Sitting, wallowing, and gazing at her face. There it is, illuminated as never before. Sure, I have gleaned, but not stated facts as of yet. Just suspicions and feelings.

Jaime, Jolene, Nora... Who's next?

This is not the end of the world, really. I can deal with it. The worst part is relating to other people after realizing that my ambition is for naught. Some do not seem to understand the idea of remaining stagnant and lacking any forward motion whatsoever. Well, I don't give a shit whether they do or not. My plans (or lack thereof) are not up to anyone else, nor do I need approval. The only issue is if I am sought for any reason, what that person sees might not be very pleasant. So far, no one has contacted me so all is fine. One day someone will need to talk with me about whatever the fuck, and that is when they will be exposed to the me of the now. So, overall not so bad aside from people. I will remain here, holed up and forever trying to find a direction, and they will stay out there, perhaps asking questions. I don't know, really. Don't care, either. Stay away. Let me find a rung and try to pull.

After the drive this morning I am going to come back here and see if can make some sense of what took place in the last entry. That was a mess, for sure. The Jolene thing is still biting my feet. The Nora thing is not too bad. I can push that away for the time being. Jaime? Ugh. I love her and still search with every waking second. Honestly, hence Nora's face. Oy God. I forgot about her for so long, which means had I watched a different show each morning I would not have made the connection. Her face is that much to me. Unbelievable. I won't go on all over the place with her. There is no need for that. After the last few weeks, I am certain you know what I would be spouting anyway. So, the chores await, my comfortable time will be here soon, and I intend to make a little something out of this day. Before close of business yesterday, much was accomplished in the garage. That extended into better use of storage. I might work more at it today. The house comes first, though. All the while the duchess follows along. Nora, too. I am so fucked up now. Jesus.

What do I do now? Which way?

I love her. I need to see. Impossible. Well, nearly enough, anyway.

I am going to try avoiding the images for a while. They are printed and coming in the mail soon, but I will leave them in the envelope as long as I can. Surprised that I had them printed? You knew it would happen sooner or later. Well, sooner. Heh. I will file them away. I have not looked at her since yesterday. If I can keep up such behavior I might actually consider myself a tad strong. Upon returning north, I have plenty to do. The only worry is the afternoon just before returning south. That is the tough period. Many things creep into my tired head -- along with more than one woman -- and leave me concerned over my long-term sanity.

Today marks three months since the first shelter order. Aside from a few days very early in this situation, that is how long I have been home. I never could have imagined so much would change in both myself and the world. Unreal.

Toward the end of the last entry I mused over the impossibility of my dreams. That carries to this very second. Being separated from society (for the most part, more than I prefer at times, less during others) means the time available for me to explore within has grown exponentially. I previously thought while I had the chance and jotted things as I could. The time was seldom my own. Now? Most of the time, especially during these weekdays. My idea to head into this upon returning from the morning drive means whatever pops up while traveling ends up here shortly thereafter. I am still adjusting to it. In the space of twenty minutes or so, all manner of crap invades as I listen to whatever is chosen for the trip. Sometimes harsh, other times mellow, the music generally reflects the mood. This morning I was at a loss as to choice. I went back to the Sabbath and embraced three songs. Such audio generally sends me to another place, one of the forest and beyond, like the heaviest artists. Right now as I sit with this machine, I am deeper into that type of thinking than in years. I feel like fortifying, organizing, and preparing for anything to come up the street. Security takes precedence over comfort, yet it still provides the same. All of the desire, visions, dreams, whatever, are pushed aside as much as possible. So far, only Jaime still swirls. She will not let go of me no matter what may be taking place during the day. I know eventually I will leave this editor alone and take care of my comfortable tasks, but right now I am not feeling it. I would rather drown into the arms of the duchess and pour it out. Natalie was the one who changed my thinking for good. She took me into her home and was quiet when sensing my needs, talkative during other times. The woman provided so much comfort that the words fail. I cannot begin to describe her lifting of me out of the din after loving the angel for what felt five seconds but in reality was nearly a month. I needed her so badly, lunged for Ellie, and then finally left the goblet to learn that no matter my physical location, those arms were my universe. Letting go of her after a couple of days was not easy to put it mildly. Now? Jaime is the one and I know nothing of her. Images, feelings, mystery... And she is out there yet completely separated from my distorted little world. This is one of those mornings in which I know not where to turn. Everything is loss now, from the machinery to the desire and back to my heart. Nothing but loss.

There is a small positive, and that is the routine and being isolated yet again. The day will pass and my evening will be comfortable, but inside I am as empty as those fucking hoppers. The work must begin soon before I fall down completely.



842



I have not dreamed of a mansion in quite a while. Something changed. No idea.

Look at the image of the woman above. All four are of the same model, however the key to everything is up there. The lines on her thighs, the converging and diverging manner in which they trace upward. Those lines leading up into the most intimate space imaginable have ruled my life for so long that I am now void of understanding. Do you see? Do they mean anything to someone other than myself? Stupid, pointless questions. There is little value in analyzing her incredible dimensions and beauty these days. None. I have railroaded too much for too long. But she is up there because I edited and included her. I have quite the long list of problems and that type of image is at the very top. It has driven me in so many fucking directions for two decades and continues to steer my vision. And then once in a while the desire shows up and confuses me to no end. Never mind. I've gone over this already. Loss. Jaime. Nonexistent machines that look like art. Ugh... Everything is getting to me now. Barely ten in the morning and I already feel like drinking. I will not, but what a good fucking idea right now. Heh.

I mentioned Jolene not necessarily because of her, but the character she portrays. I was moved by her years ago and then the feeling faded over time. Now that I decided to keep a show in the background, it needed to be something with which I was familiar enough to pay only partial attention. Well, I chose it and then saw her. Now she won't leave. Even if I change it to something completely different, Jolene will still be floating inside me, along with her most unique of faces. Damn it anyway. If I do indeed change Jaime's name to Jolene, at least you will know why. Jaime came about because of the sheer number of other characters with my favorite first initial, so an extension seemed appropriate. How insane is it that a television personality whose real name matches that of my family member, my favorite initial, and Jaime? And keep going... How nuts am I if I do change it? She is so beautiful. I have not the words. Stunning, sharp, unreal. Everything, all over her gorgeous body and all the way up to her slender neck. She drives me up the fucking wall every Goddamned time. I can watch her forever via one medium or another. And Nora. What the fuck is that all about? Ah... To hell with it all. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could lie next to Jolene and hold her like Natalie. Or Ellie. Or the angel. Shit on it, you get the point. Just read this and know that whatever is impossible will be my focus of happiness. Not there. Never there. Loss.

The title? Something I will never know. God damn, that woman is so beautiful that I cannot understand.

Switchtrack, since Star Trek is always on.

Back when I was on the ill-fated Star Trek message boards (the official site), I commented and discussed different aspects of the series with like-minded fans. I had joined the forums around thirteen or fourteen years ago while spending time as a moderator on an unrelated site. I was in front of the computer during much of my free time and decided I was enough of a lunatic fan to participate. Being the individual I was during that period, I generated a name along similar lines which grew out of the MS profile and away I went. Lots of people there back then, and that meant lots to read. I really enjoyed the banter and found the other members who regularly visited to be a wide-ranging age group. The visits were fun. But I was also there for another reason: Research.

During those times when I was becoming less and less willing to deal with the world, society, and what people had made of it throughout centuries of greed and apathy, my methods of escape were reading, writing, and some very specific television. One of the Star Trek series' was my first choice after having spent years reading the numbered novels and some other fiction. The show became like a friend to keep me company as I ran it in the background whenever I was working around the house. I believe that began in the mid-nineties in Michigan when I subscribed to the video library from Columbia House. I had begun to amass the series on videotape so I could watch whenever I wished, and had actually missed many of the episodes during its run on television. The tapes would allow me to see the series in its entirety and without interruption. Nice. That time period of being in the Midwest for two years and fairly isolated gave me the opportunity to really absorb some of the franchise and eventually it became like a part of me that was missed while away. Two years was all it took for me to fall in love with the storylines and characters. Years later? Something different developed that would change my outlook for good. And I am still there.

Those stories are necessary now. They are in the background quite often -- especially now with me in the fucking house for days on end -- and I know them forward and backward. I listen, think about what I need to get done on a daily basis, and the show is right there for me. I love the familiarity, the simplicity of something which has remained consistent for decades, and being that it was a show developed for all ages, the outcome is nearly always positive. Sure, the real world does not work that way, however the reason for broadcast entertainment is just that -- entertainment. Whatever a person chooses to view is entirely for their enjoyment. I am the same, although I generally avoid anything that has been created in recent years. I am likely finished exploring new shows and movies because every time I try something new it slaps me in the face. I end up filled with disdain and distanced from people that are discussing the newest crap which has become the talk of the town. The old shows toward which I tend to gravitate are family-friendly (except 'The Sopranos', which is another story entirely) and lean toward understanding, compassion, and a very balanced outlook toward the rest of the universe. Just like me. In fact, the many weeks of being holed up here at home have shown me that to shut off my connection with others as it relates to television and all that the medium entails was an easy choice and one positive coming out of this shit situation. Well, I would have done it anyway, but the current crisis simply sped it along. The course was already there. I know the series well enough to hold entire conversations with the characters despite the fact that they were written in the neighborhood of thirty years ago. After all this time, and considering the number of days spent alone, having something there to keep me company is critical, and those people have become like another family. No, I am not kidding, and yes, I may have lost it on another level.

The dream developed over a period of years and I did not really put it into perspective until the time mentioned at the beginning of the previous paragraph. And when I say dream, I mean something I thought about on a daily basis until I had to reach. The feelings were strong enough and I had so much appreciation for what had been created back then that I took the initiative on the message boards and asked if anyone else may have felt the same. I composed an eloquent paragraph in an attempt to get across just exactly what I felt quite often while watching. I did my best, and then posted the idea to the board and waited for others to view and/or respond. One day was all I had to wait. Several responses came back from those who had similar reactions to the show, however they were all in the same vein: When I asked if anyone else dreamed of being aboard that ship, I meant wanting to actually be there. I was not looking for others who dreamed at night of the show. Not at all. I tried to get across the point that when I felt that I wanted to be there, I was referring to living in that universe. I was not asking for people's dreams while they slept. Well, no one responded in the manner I had hoped, so I just let the post slide down the pages and into the depths of their archives. Just a few years later and the message boards were removed. Along with them? My paragraph that I painstakingly crafted after months of wondering. Splendid.

I learned nothing and accomplished the same. So, why throw it out there? Because I needed to know that I was not alone. I still do not. Yay. The importance of the show(s) has increased much since I have been home. The routine is related to that dream and my attempt to connect with like-minded individuals. Despite the endeavor bearing fruit as I had wished, the lesson of exploring something so important to me turned out to be a positive one. I need them there, in the living room, kitchen, garage, wherever. I really do. Without those members of my family to keep me company some days, I would not have made it this far. Sometimes I can watch television which reminds me of my painful past, and other times not at all. Those shows allow me to relax and forget.

Oy... An episode full of attractive women. Fuck me. I need to get some work completed.



843



Morning.

Yesterday turned out ok despite my trepidation over a visitor. The morning came and went and I finished my daily duties with coffee. Part way through I fell down a bit but recovered quickly. The idea of another person in my space is not easy to take sometimes, but it did help me to realize that someone being here is not the end of the world. I mentioned that it was ten in the morning and I felt like having a drink. Well, nervousness over the visit and seeing the images, feeling the dreams, missing Jaime... Those things combined and I poured a big, fat cocktail. Heh. Just one to calm the nerves. It worked, the visit was very nice, and then the afternoon drive to my southern destination and back for the evening. The concern over my quiet day broken by another person disappeared quickly, leaving me to relax and visit for a while. That will come around again tomorrow at lunch. Today is all me.

I have a few ideas for extricating Jaime, Jolene and Nora from my head for a while. Some material arrived yesterday for me to advance a few projects. I can take care of them along with domestic chores today. That will keep me busy until returning to the south this afternoon. As usual, when I get back later this morning I am going to work here for a while since the day is all mine. I see sunshine already, and just half past six. Damn it, I am tired of the days being so long and bright. While I am still hiding here and no one sees me for the most part, the brightness is beginning to become irritating. Too much of that and I will close off the windows. Just three days from the solstice. Ugh, to the nth degree. On the upside, the warm weather means I am comfortable getting my tasks completed. Busy means less women in my brain, hopefully. A tall order these days. I love one of them, am completely infatuated with both of the others, and three names are spinning in circles. The more I can keep them at bay the better off my days are. Right now, for example, I can sit and write with the crazy show in the background, but still they are in my head and heart. All three. JJN. Her, her and her. Maybe I will combine them for ease of writing. I don't know. So screwed up but mostly ok I guess. Onward.

So, my morning is thin now, leaving those women floating inside. I can't help it. The fucked aspect is each remains unattainable and impossible. Think about it. Jaime is real (might end up Jolene) but so far away in space and time that she may as well not be, Jolene is a name attached to a character who is completely fictional and does not exist anymore, and Nora is the face of the universe, and another character who is gone for good. My lack of accepting reality is going to become a huge fucking problem and soon. Right now I am still treading water, for lack of a better phrase, so the dire nature of these feelings is not as heavy as one may think. I am in-between now, like neither the person I was three months ago nor the one I need to become in order to get out there and among others. I am in a little space along with some names and images. Sitting here more than once per day and protracting these points is only burying me deeper into my own world and pushing the reality further away. The cocoon is something I need now (badly), however the relationship between said cocoon and those women is not good. Drowning. Her. Them. My heart is swelling over them. I love her and like them. Simple, right? Well, understand this: Eventually I will love all three... I fucking know it.

There is Nora again. Ugh, she's looked better, but still unreal, that face. Dark, mysterious, with blue-gray eyes that I could live within. And the accent. I don't know how I feel about it, although I have stated in the past that I really like Lorraine's accent, so perhaps it is not a bad thing. Whatever. She is gorgeous anyway.

Today is just beginning. The drive in an hour and then back here with the time and space I need in order to survive. I have to go outside the routine a bit and get some stuff moved around. The inside of my head cannot be organized at all right now. The dreams keep me from grounding properly. Her. The others. The fucking desire that won't go away and catches me off guard when I least expect to feel it. This morning is a good example of my massive lack of understanding along those lines, too. Right now. God help me if I see the fucking walnut commercial. Not funny. I saw it last night on the huge television. Did she move me again? Somewhat. I can't help it. That period after the dream of her and the two thongs still brings me to my knees at times. It has faded, but still... She appears on the screen and my memory strikes. I can assume there is nothing to be done about it these days. More time needs to pass and lots of analyzing must be accomplished. I simply have to understand why it was her, and moreover why at that time. Still -- and the one glaring positive -- I feel none of it for Jaime. Exempt, completely. That is all love. Watching the show earlier meant I was seeing all sorts of women, some gorgeous and shapely, others not much at all, but little of the desire crept in. Even three stunning girls clad in very nice dresses and tons of hair did not push much. I cannot seem to find a correlation between the walnuts, dream, avocado pants, and those I see here and there on the television. I just don't fucking get it. I know that this morning is a prime example of my head going around and around with desire but it is unfocused. The catalyst escapes me. The understanding is not happening. Up, down, and then calm. And then soon after? My head flies up some woman's dress and I end up at a loss. Yep, that word again... Loss. Maybe the key loss is my sanity. Hmm.

Back from the drive, laundry going, and here I sit.

The ride back home brought on a thought, an... Amalgamation of three women, possibly more. A machine. One which resembles the finest traits of them melded together to create beauty and the necessary control of which I dream by the hour. The other dream -- that of the world I imagined with me in it -- was brought up to relate both with a unifying, single word. That word is impossibility. The passion generated such a term due to unavailability. The watch is completely out of reach, just as the machine and the dream of another universe. Within said place I would have the ability to control the atmosphere and my future. Machines exist there, which means another facet of me would be fulfilled. Do you see where this is going? The combination of Jaime, Jolene, and parts of Nora assembled for me. The machine of dreams. There it is, another level of my massive lack of reality. I am sinking into the idea so quickly that by the end of this page my availability to others will have dropped several more notches. I am going to carry on with such a dream for quite a while. Time will tell if it causes more damage than Jaime and my ever-increasing feelings for her. The goddess of the universe may not need to be combined with other features, but what the fuck... I'm doing it anyway. My world is already tilted beyond belief, so to hell with sense anymore. Drowning. Loss. Yearning. Fuck it.

The show is on my huge television and Jolene's shoulders are absolutely insane. God damn, she is so uniquely beautiful that I nearly cannot think. And now Linda is crawling through a Jeffries tube and looking like breakfast in tights. Holy Jesus fuck, she is so fucking cute. Korean, and with the long, black hair up five feet and six inches above the floor. So gorgeous, that girl. I want to shove her into my mouth. Damn.

So, today. Now that I am home, some things can be worked to my satisfaction throughout the many hours before driving again. I need that feeling of accomplishment which allows me to relax in the evening. Along the way I will be dreaming of all the things which cannot exist in this world or the next. A logical, more balanced person would work to let go and move forward in reality, but I cannot do that. Too much, and right now the dreams are forcefully overpowering my daily life. I am fearing the eventual existence of my own fucking world in which everything real is gone. I will withdraw even further than I already have. This is bad, but as I said above... Powerless. Lost. Needy. Clingy, sans those Goddamned arms. Yay for me! Heh. Nope.

I was talking about today, but I guess there is just not much to say. I will get the tasks completed with time to spare (which I also need like oxygen) and then drive. At the very least, like if I lose my way into the afternoon, the essentials will be cared for first. Everything else can wait if necessary. All the while I need to keep Jaime's face close to the forefront. I have to see her. Soon the printed images will arrive and I can look to my heart's content. Ahh... The cats are asleep and the atmosphere is peaceful. Quiet. Just me. And then an EAS interrupted me gazing at Jolene's slender beauty. Rats. She's back now, thank the maker. Or her maker. Whatever. I don't know what the fuck I am saying half the time. Today, yes. I might seek a small television for the garage which will reinforce the audio that follows me. That could be nice. As of my last modifications to the home theater, I can control everything from the phone so I miss nothing. Sometimes while in the new office I would like to see the video, so perhaps I can go further soon. The manner in which Jolene sits while in command is absolutely mind-bending. I cannot believe the way she looks. Beyond any description. Just watch for yourself and you'll see what I mean. Damn, she is something else, and I get to see her over and over for the rest of my life. Yes, the dreams of her all over me will pop up here and there, but at least her image will never go away. I might have loved her years ago. Not sure. My current weakened state is not unique to this time period. I have been here before, many times. Maybe I do love her character. Why the fuck not? I am already so fucked up that piling one more issue on the sundae will change little. Fuck it. Nearly all-in at the table. I will eventually lose -- and lose bad -- but the chips are being shoved regardless.

Jolene just told the Vulcan ambassador to shut the fuck up with a proverbial hammer. Gawd damn fuck shit anyway, there is no end to her appeal. I would not be surprised if that woman ends up my entire world in the near future. Jaime could be pushed. Ugh. I still love her very much.

Hmm... Maybe I'll have a pizza to celebrate my increasing slide down into an abyss of antisocial, blurred and mushy-eyed love. That's funny. I think. Eh, no. Pizza makes me lazy.



844



I need her, and no matter which one pops into my head at a given moment, that need is the same. I do not waver from that, hence the possible merge of three dreams into one distorted conglomeration. I've already gone off the deep end, anyway. I just have the need that cannot be satiated at all, no matter the circumstances. She is out there and it drives me insane. A woman I do not know, have not seen, yet I know she is there. Somewhere. Three faces in one. A heart I need to inhabit.

Holy fuck, Jolene in leather pants. Thanks, guys.

Three faces in one. Wow. I am actually beginning to construct her as my mind moves along separating from the real world. Out there somewhere, and the dream of a lifetime. Perhaps I will need to get the hell away from this line of thinking. It's heading nowhere good. I'll have to focus upon the day and other affairs for a while. I might dump this show for the day, too. Jolene is making me crazy for her again. Oy. So, the chores await my attention and the calm is apparent. I keep thinking of the dream mentioned above and my efforts in connecting with others who felt the same. That was a definite break from reality, and considering the number of years which have gone by since then, the idea of unattainable things with which I am currently wrestling does not surprise me. I yearned back then, almost daily. All of that dissatisfaction with society and my place within the same pushed me to search for something real or not which could bring me up. Well, I found it, although it was most decidedly not the former. I escaped, regardless of the destination. In my head there were storylines and situations under my complete control which played out whenever I felt the desire to leave the real world behind and find comfort. Sound familiar? Now she's wearing a sweater. Be still, my heart. Pause. Time for chores. I shall return.

Jolene is wearing a fucking white spandex catsuit. I need to upload myself into the cable box. Damn. Stop it.

Today changed due to issues with the daily, southern destination. I will not be alone for most of the day which means I have to concentrate. The ongoing organization took a big step yesterday and I fully intend to move further. This morning I see what yesterday became and it feels good. I can keep going without issue. The entry written before this one has been pushed to the production environment, effectively decompressing the timeline. Excellent. No more days stretching out and making this work pile up. I can write and publish within three days at the most. Both of those facts are helping me continue. This morning is bright again, full of early sunshine. Likely warm later. The garage will be comfortable. Nora was on the screen again looking very disheveled, but still oh so lovely. Damn her face, anyway. God must have been a fucking genius.

Nike product placement in a vampire series? Hmm.

The merge. Three of them, perhaps more later if I keep heading in this direction. Right now, just three. And the name. I'll have to consider all facets of performing such a change before placing words here. I just don't know if it will be a good idea. Not yet. I am already so far gone that to really twist things into a fucking pretzel does not seem far fetched, although it may also result in my complete withdrawal from everything real. As much as I have shut out the others, there are a few gentle souls who must remain close. The main trigger for merging three women into one dream was Jolene. Believe it or not, I really did forget about her pull upon my heart for a long time. When I reached for a different series -- again, one I knew would be safe for me to watch -- I was reminded almost immediately. That was just the other day and now I am a complete pile of goo over her for the second time. As I state often about seeing a form out in the world, once I gaze, the ship has sailed. She's in there, but unlike some random woman who will not cross my eyesight again, Jolene is available anywhere, anytime. I fully intend to stare to my heart's content. I see no reason to avoid anything which has the power to damage me. The withdrawal means anything in the real world can take a flying leap and back seat to my dreaming. I don't fucking care anymore. Like the trains, forward motion. To where, you ask? Nowhere good. Merge. Dream. Machine. All three. I love her (them?). No, not all three. I love her. You know.

Nora again. She is in a bad way right now. Oy. I wish I could hold her. Oh, more than that. She has the lower half of Andrea's face (Walker, too) and those eyes go on forever. I am going to transfer the show to this machine and capture her beauty. Wait for it. She was twenty-six when the first episode to feature her was shot. Thirty-three now. Interesting.

So I am supposed to work one entry in three days. Well, this one is nearly complete and the preceding work was published this morning. Months ago this flowed much better due to the fiction coming forth every now and again. Maybe I really do need to get back there. That fictional goblet and the goddess/duchess/holy fuck of the universe. I have to try and keep my issues out of that, like the desire to find Jaime/Jolene/Nora/whomever and latch on for dear life. I have no wish for the fiction to become derailed or tainted by these problems. Continuation will be tough but I can get there.

The drawings. I need to get hold of my nephew again and press him about it. I need them back. There is one that I created just a few years back which is not a huge mansion, but a simpler, smaller home that feels realistic. After working in construction for the better part of a decade, I have a good sense of what can be built. The other drawings are all enormous homes that align more with the dreams throughout years. Upon reacquiring them, I'll study a bit before going further. The idea now (like all my other crazy shit) is to place myself and the merged machine into a space together... One of the homes. I am overly compelled to advance my dreams with her and further drown into the vision that could be us together, in one of my lovely designs. That's right, folks... Deluded, and still going. Just try to think of where I will be in a year. Oh, Nora... Let me hold you, please. Ugh, anyway. I love the idea of furthering my little dream world by moving into the home design territory. Those homes were nearly all created while I envisioned myself out on the ocean in a sailing yacht, anchored off the coast of eastern Michigan, and looking back at the other people from a place of comfort and security. The yacht ideas have gone pretty far away in the intervening years, but the feeling of that position still resides within, the difference being a home instead of boat, and my not being alone. Her. Or... Them? Her? J/J/N. Wait... What? Jaime? I don't know. Stop asking. I will get hold of the massive drawings and secure them as needed. They mean much to me, and said meaning is now growing out of control, like my lack of reality.

Years ago I wrote an exchange -- I called it a 'line by line' because the format was strictly dialog, leaving the reader to create all other aspects from their own imagination -- between two people who lived aboard a gigantic yacht which remained in the Mediterranean Sea. The man owned and ran the boat, while the woman actually worked for him as a personal assistant. Michael was quite reclusive, had an onboard therapist, yet confided more in Jeannette than he. The entire exchange is merely two-hundred lines as I have never finished it, however it effectively paints a picture of the relationship between the two of them. Michael is an odd sort, with my personality traits as related to beauty, and Jeannette is the opposite. She is warm, understanding, and very calm throughout. I believe I began that story shortly after writing about the girl at the car wash. That would go back thirteen years or so. Michael wished to draw and photograph her in varying positions -- fully clothed -- and study the results. Yes, he was me, for the most part, and she was the culmination of my visions at the time... Tall, exotic, beautiful, and with enough going on inside her head to understand him and provide support. In exchange, she lived aboard the yacht among many other staff, and in the second-largest stateroom. He cared for her even though she was employed by him. I do know where the story was heading when I dropped the work. And one memory stands out from the rest: The homes I drew back a decade prior to their story were to relate. I was in need of closing myself off and making a world involving me and a woman from those many dreams. Mansions. I may have loved Jeannette. I will go further with this again, later.

Further heeled over, we go. The merge will henceforth be referred to as JJN. Fuck it.

Maybe.



845



Morning coffee again. Saturday. Lots of Nora on the screen. She is unbelievable from some angles. I need to be within her arms sometimes. Fuck me, there is another one that I had forgotten and her real name is Jamie. Heh. Years have passed since I last watched this insanity. She went by the wayside, I guess. The world only revolves around the principal three, though. Other pretty faces are just that. I'm going to leave them be.

Yesterday worked out fine. I accomplished some things, relaxed a while, and rolled into the evening with cocktail in hand. The new office is looking more stable but I still have not hung anything on the walls. There needs to be a plan, and as of yet I cannot wrap my head around a third grade math problem due to the factors already outlined. Them. I don't know if I can take things further out there today or if I am going to end up a pile of goo. The jury is still out. So far, coffee and vampires. We are very close to the solstice which means these are the longest days of the year, and my least favorite. I will admit that this year is much better than the last several, though. Removing myself from the routine helped me to be more comfortable while home. I was thinking about that yesterday as the mercury rose in the garage. While working, I had to do my best to ignore the thermometer. Now? No worry of the thing. I can maintain myself in whatever comes along the forecast path. Comfort and control. No shit.

I calculate that the more I see on the television, the more the importance of those three becomes. The faces and bodies which come and go throughout days are meaningless, for the most part. I do not see Jamie now because I dropped that series for a while. I have seen her in the role for years, so watching is no longer necessary for me to see her big eyes. Nora? Jolene? They are gripping me. Nora is all over this episode and driving me out of my fucking mind. The angles, though... Remember that the key is the camera's position as it relates to her stance. Oy, something else, that woman. I see her throughout a given day now and her eye movements pierce me. And then Jolene, all day long on the television as I move about the house. There is simply no describing that one. I probably don't even need to try. I see those huge eyes, hear her voice when I am not looking, and then my heart swells toward the merge. The combination. The hybrid woman-machine made up of three gorgeous examples of my ongoing and fucking flared-up obsession and desire. Right in the center of everything is the duchess, the reason for this, the face. Jaime. Jolene? Fuck it. I don't know. Too much, damn it. Go ahead and tell me that I am doing everything wrong. I cannot disagree. I let all this shit develop over weeks, embraced and expanded (expounded?) the ideas and dreams, so now I am a pile of mush and ever closer to being completely separated from reality. I made all this happen and am still doing it. Did you see how quickly Nora went from a face on the television to one of three that make up my dream? Pretty fucking nuts, huh? Well, I felt for her soft eyes many years ago and was reminded, just as Jolene. I had been madly in love with her for a very long time. The now-triumvirate is going to drive me out of my fucking mind with need. Six arms? Three heads? No... One. JJN. JNJ? Jesus. Do you see all this shit? I don't even know how much energy is required at this point for me to behave and hold myself up like an adult. God forbid I end up around other people. What a mess. The only thing keeping me going at this period in time is being hidden away from said people. They do not need to be exposed to my delusional state. I will stay here with my one-in-three fantasy/dream/psycho-state/whatever-the-fuck-you-need-to-call-it thingy and wallow in visions of such a machine. This is bad and the furthest in I have been as of yet. I do not see myself ever moving out of this little space. Just room for me and them... Her. One. Three?

I love them/her/them. What the fuck took place here? Explain it to me.

On to this day. As is already obvious, I am still sitting here staring at Nora when she appears and drinking the coffee. The morning time has become sacred. Quiet, no alarms, voices, or any other shit to disturb or distract me. And no fucking desire whatsoever. I am nowhere near feeling that way, thank fucking Christ. Another difficulty piled on top is not going to help me. As far as the peaceful morning, well... This may be the only time when I can truly think my way through the problems. Oy, Nora. Fuck me right in the brain, please. Anyway, whatever today holds in store, I at least know that my schedule is in good shape. Three days per entry. I can stick to that, and after today it will ease a bit. This is the last of the advances. Getting the words to the screen yesterday morning helped. Nora again. Do I need to point out how beautiful she is? I guess I did that already. I cannot explain the lower part of the face. Maybe related to her chin? Jawline, other things? I don't know how to put it into words. I already brought up the fact that Jaime seems to share it as does Jolene, and I have seen others, too. Nora's face is so fucking attractive that it pains me to look anymore. Her eyes, the shape of her cheeks. I wish I could put it here. Perhaps images in the next entry, although the truth is that any image will not convey what I feel. Subjective. Personal. More. There is just no way to do it. Stop trying. Heh. In a little while I need to head out to the garage and get things going. A bit of laundry, some work on getting things organized, and a heaping helping of shit flying out the fucking door. I have some items to list for free, so hopefully by close of business tomorrow they will be gone for good. Aside from that, the cooler temperature today should find me mounting some electrical boxes if for no other reason than to get shit off my bench again. I can run the lines and have the system ready for light fixtures. That will take some time. Jesus, Kristin has some fucking lips. Whatever. After the last couple of days, the empty space out there is growing. Very nice. I will carry forward with my efforts along with the typical work inside. Jolene will be following along as I dream of the combination. Again.

I also have something else to consider. As of refilling my coffee cup a moment ago, I feel that my disdain and dissatisfaction with society have not been stated quite enough. The time has come for me to demonstrate how strongly I feel. Doubt must be removed. I am certain that what is read here by others seems small when I am seen in person. Well, pull your head out of your ass and recognize the fucking facade. See? Didn't I write about the sheer weight and dimensions? Read it again. In person I am covering everything and keeping a measure of brainpower reserved for the three most important aspects of my being. Understand? That is not going to change anytime soon. I love Jaime. I do. Leave it. And Jolene. And Nora. So... Thus, we have one dream which covers everything over which I have ever agonized. I love them/her/them. Fuck it. I have to find a better way do describe and identify this woman of my life. Duchess. Goddess of the universe, and the main reason I am breathing peacefully at this moment. As I began to say, the disdain needs to be pushed a touch further to help others see that I am not joking. I have to hold the three very close and move the others away. Yes, I know there has been little contact lately, but I feel the point is not yet sharp to my satisfaction. I will keep trying. Today means all of that will be in mind as I work along.

At some point in my life, the idea of dark hair and dark eyes changed everything about the way I think. Hmm. I don't know what happened or why. I see Anna there, and nothing. I see Nora? My heart explodes. There may be no explanation, but I wanted to bring it up anyway. Interesting, the light and dark of the world. Maybe Satan guides my eyes toward darkness. Heh.

Holy shit this fictional reporter on the screen. I would lick her nose. Sorry.

If I don't completely lose my mind and actually require transport to a mental health facility, possibility number two will take place. That is completely separating myself from the world. I really do not care which will come to pass. And yes, I do know other things may take place, too. I'm not planning anything dramatic, either. Just waiting and working toward my little goals. One of them is this house, another is my endless attempt to articulate my deep feelings for these women and what took place upon rediscovering the duchess. Jaime. The love. I keep going around and around with words but nothing ever seems to work. I feel it in my head, heart, soul, but what comes forth here appears juvenile. I can't have that, but whatever runs through my mind ends up here. Right now this is all I have. The title? As Tony said, 'Stop askin.' It's mine. JJN. Or something. Merge. Convergence. Combination? Hybrid.

The time has come for me to close this. Soon Jolene will grace the screen with her inexplicable beauty, and thank the fucking maker there will be no more Nora. The other one? She is inside me, always. The duchess. The dream. I love her. I love them. I don't know what I am anymore.

Certifiable.

She is out there."



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