November 17th, 2020 8:00am pst

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Impasse

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"Well, that last one was a pile of crap. Too many moments of trouble really got to me and nagged. The situation the other day has been fading because I do not wish to allow anything to damage me any more than what has already passed. I don't need that and to do so might be unfair. That word again. Whatever has transpired recently and caused me to turn inward will be shoved aside for the time being. I want everyone happy and that means I have to leave it alone for a while. Maybe I'll figure it out at a later time.

Yes, Jamie again. I was thinking about all of the trouble she's dealt with in life. You'd never know by looking at so much brightness. She can inspire.

Eh... Thursday. Only the second and last day I am driving this week. I have to embrace the routine today after suffering a bit of a fall last night over the whole shitaree. The situation is becoming uncomfortable. The trip is on my mind often now. All that space to consider everything is good and I generally do lots of thinking while visiting the hotel. I realize many aspects will be quite different from the past trips, but still the place is peaceful and beautiful. Each day spent there has been beneficial in one way or another. I can count on it. The times of our trips usually coincide with everyone else leaving, too. That adds up to a mostly-empty hotel. This month? Even moreso due to the pandemic, but the place has everything set up for maintaining safety. I'm not worried. Keeping focus upon the drive is helping me to hold the other problems at a distance right now. Stay the course and don't dwell upon those tough moments. That is all.

Yesterday held a few of the difficulties. Nothing overwhelming, though. Sometimes I can't get my head clear enough to relax because even while in the thick of the moment I am still fearful of certain touchy subjects. I made it through, however, and out the other side no better, but no worse either.

Going back to the 'Gate' for a moment, I speculated that there may indeed be little to no up left for me and I am the reason. Hmm. This is something I need to flesh out or sitting on my ass for the rest of my life will take over. Conversation is nothing upon which I can rely any longer. At the time everything feels ok and I go through the effort to attempt making the problems clear enough for someone else to understand, but then hours or even days later I become hit with fear over revealing parts of me which should remain under wraps. This moment right now is a glaring example of my falling off a cliff over knowing someone else is aware of aspects of my being which should have been secretive. I have the usual coffee and computer in front of the television early in the morning yet the comfort I have enjoyed during these times is not present. Some, not all. When I am alone, everything which would normally only nag at me a little bit becomes vastly larger and more hurtful. And then I watch television for enjoyment and the familiarity which helps keep me grounded, but eventually something comes along and trips up my day, effectively leaving me on the side of the road with regard to being comfortable. I don’t know what to do, and ‘Gate’ seems now like the ideal beginning to a series of crap no one can understand. Yes.

Another female actor who was the subject of tons of goo more than twenty years ago. She was on the screen in this holiday movie and sort of caught me off guard like so many others. And related to a conversation from a few days ago, I did not pay attention way back when others were gushing. I did not see it until this morning, and the woman is over forty in this movie. Stunning. There is a strong possibility that some younger faces have a more difficult time expressing emotion through their eyes, whereas years of experience may lead to more effective acting. I don’t know, but she is much more beautiful fourteen years after the big deal from the late nineties. Her eyes are the thing. And no, I will not state her name. Suffice to say, another older image of a woman from years passed that is more beautiful now than in her youth. This is very interesting. In a Hallmark holiday movie, no less. Heh. Anyway... Onward.

Ahh this is the time of morning when the day ahead appears bright and full of possibility. Well, I’m not falling for it this time. The bullshit has been revealed. I can still try, though. We shall see if I change or give up. Either is fine. I don’t care anymore. At least the bright feeling still comes along. I suppose that is better than nothing.

For some reason, yesterday really slammed me with issue two. I know not from where it originated during a day when I was mostly alone, although we did watch an episode together. The fourth. Nothing that I can recall caused a problem, though. I just don’t get it. I saw a little of the football game, too, but again... Nada. I had dinner, relaxed a bit, and then went to bed soon after with some worry present but nothing dramatic by the late hour. This morning I feel it somewhat, as well. I also feel that any conversation is going to go in circles today. The doors have been slowly closing off part of my head and I do not wish to stop them. I can already feel the security of secrecy. Much needed right now.

I am not driving today, and after such a time consuming debacle last night, I need the break. Oy, there was an accident south of the tunnel which took my typical less than half-hour drive south and quadrupled it. I never like to see people hurt, and by the time I passed the scene they had opened the road to two-way traffic again. Very slow drive and then a quick return. Overall I spent well over two hours in the car when the entire affair should have been less than one. Suffice to say I was happy to be out of the seat by the time we arrived home. That means today I am overjoyed to remain at home all day. I can always make use of free time for whatever feels necessary. Having not worked in the kitchen much last night, I seem to have even more available moments for pushing in whichever direction appears the most important. I made the decision yesterday to remain here instead of driving and this morning I am very pleased. Comfort combined with some accomplishments adds to my head free of partial worry. This is very good.



481



I certainly hope I am not at fault for every single problem experienced these days. That could be quite the slap. My communication skills have always been strong and there for me to rely, too. Lately, however, I do not feel so willing to share. The worry is not only over the original issues but the very idea of stating them out loud for another person’s ears and subsequent assistance. I don’t see it at all, and like those therapy sessions which went straight into the fucking toilet, I only see more difficulty stemming from revealing deeply personal fears. They may only create yet another out of the fear of the telling. Do you see how writing about anything ends up in a huge circle? Can anyone understand this? Not likely, but I don’t care anymore. I just keep typing and thinking that perhaps something will eventually be illuminated at some point in the future and help me to rise. I will not sit here and deny possibility. Unwise.

The Gate was merely the beginning.

The house is mine all day. Quiet. The show in the background. This is the point where my brain takes over and leaves me at the mercy of worry. I will have to be vigilant this morning. Many things can be worked and there are lots of items to organize after reconfiguring the closets the other day. My old office is full of containers to be disseminated. The usual swirls are taking place, too... Pressure, dreams, those ideas of the past coming back and biting my ability to move forward, and the all-too-often concern over my place in the world. Right now everything is wide open and available for whatever I wish to do. The hour is early. I have some coffee left, and once it is gone I will need to kick into gear for a while. I do not see other options if I wish to squash the issues and rise.

Heh. Squash. Is that even possible?

The dream is becoming a fucking joke. In 'Gate' I stated in no uncertain terms that others need to heed my words and ensure that I am addressed in a manner consistent with importance, like I actually matter. Well, I could have backed off such a line, but the truth is I feel I need to keep pushing in order for others to hear me and take note of the seriousness of this problem. The statement was not typed in haste, nor was I feeling flighty. Completely serious. I am connected to that fucking thread and people who regard me as fleeting or unimportant are those whom shave strands and reduce the strength of my position as hanging above doom. If you are not going to listen, stay the hell away from me. And while I can admit that my friends' having left me out of everything for months, the truth is this problem and related frustration have been in existence for years. I dream of 'being someone', or by extension, 'being with a machine' because as of yet I have not found a place within which I can fit and be content. Hanging. Go ahead, make a joke. Say that word which has cut me in half like countless others. I dare you.

Ever expanding, this shit, and I am hardly the problem. Just because I keep falling down over and over doesn't mean I am doing anything wrong. That's right... Stick that sentence up your stupid ass. I don't care.

Saturday morning. I think the rain ceased. Well, maybe. Hallmark again on the television. And who do I see? None other than Jessica and her endless exaggerations. Damn. Today will be much like yesterday in that I plan to accomplish little and relax much. Three episodes blown through in the afternoon and that number will likely increase today. We are trying to watch in such a manner so as to get into the world and stay there for a long while before getting back to life. Thus far not many incidents since the pilot (which still makes me upset all these days later), but I know other problems will be cropping up here and there as the series progresses. One step at a time, and rest assure I am not trying to use the show as therapy or a learning experience. I just wish it to be seen in the proper context and all the way to completion. That is all. I expect to be uncomfortable during a good portion.

I had to admit yesterday late in the afternoon that I have not been open toward others. Oh fuck, the Kim Crawford wine commercial again. Love. It. Anyway, My plan to remain closed off and with the artificial smile here and there has to continue for the time being. I already exposed some of my fears in very clear terms and do not wish to feel that again. I was awfully weak to blurt such things and the short discussion afterward was very uncomfortable to say the least. I need none of that crap from here on in. I think the fact that all of the problems and projects I went over for some months have been shelved in favor of only speaking about the latest turns of the card. Some of that crap from April through June may have been fleeting, I suppose. The machinery has not gone away, I simply covered as much as possible and then pushed it aside for fear of railroading. God damn her lips, anyway. They look like the softest aircraft carrier in existence. Never mind. Machinery is still the dream. As it relates to what I have been saying about all the difficulty and fear means the longer I write such things the more I believe there is no other way. Jaime started all that, too. I went all over the place with it. And Jamie. Ugh... I don't know. One or the other, I suppose. But not real, remember?

For now I must keep everything where it is. Her, too. Whatever name I decided upon, the photos of Jaime, the idea that I cannot fully express myself or inhabit that place which brings happiness, all of it. Lately, problems relating to other people have pushed all those ideas and worries pretty far back. I did not forget, I only ended up placing bigger fish in the pan. I forget nothing, and if an idea comes here and then disappears for a while it only means I've filed it because I ran out of words. Even Jolene... I stopped watching the show because it ran its course for the second time and I switched to another. She was there, and frozen in time just as I prefer, but like everything else I need she is not real and never will be. As such, I decided to stop gushing. The feelings are there, I just pushed them, too. Issue two took over due to my feelings for another, and the only other problem which continues to haunt me is the approaching end of the year. Aside from actually stopping the progression of time, I can't do fuck-all about it.



430



The trip is in nine days. I am hoping to clear some cobwebs from my brain up there in the thin air and come out the other side with a tad more insight into being content. Oh something just flashed into my head while seeing this big house in the movie. Damn it, all the way back to the early zeros, too. Jennifer back then... No ga ga, just appreciation and a bit of a defensive nature because others were slamming her acting ability while I thought she did well. So, there was a show which I will not mention that ran just one season I believe. During the holiday season I dove into the scenery and look of the residences on the show and wished to climb inside the television. Not for her, but to be in the fold of the season more than I was. I believe that is the reason for my gushing over Christmas soon after and insisting that we host family parties during the period immediately following the mobile home park. And we did, good or bad. That time just before moving out of the trailer was when I watched her show each week and felt the weather changing during fall. The leaves came down all over the roof, the smell of fireplaces was apparent each day when I arrived home from work, and I began to feel that the rest of the year was merely payment for such a beautiful season. Just two Christmases later and we moved out of there. And then the high-definition programming began, I ended up watching yet another show featuring Jennifer and holiday trimmings, and soon after, there was the rollercoaster girl. One angle of Jessica's house in this movie and my head just traveled through time again.

I've been going back there quite a bit lately. Is that a good thing? Hmm.

While I can admit that the holiday movies put me in mind of those years of big parties and lots of family all over the place, the bottom line may simply be how different my world is now as opposed to being accustomed to life feeling hopeful. Or maybe I just know too much. How the world works, financial issues, and the press of aging. Maybe? I don't know, really, but I am aware of myself and how I have changed recently due to the shit decisions which moved me in directions I had not thought possible. I know what I did after years of feeling stagnant and bored. I ran all over the fucking place and ruined plenty of future possibilities. That may be a good measure of seeing the past years as more pleasant and comfortable. The differences are now key. Time to work. Stop.

And another Sunday arrives to tell me that weekends no longer matter. Coffee, Hallmark, whatever. I had a movie on for a bit because of its importance to the past, but there was just too fucking much on the screen for me. I recall seeing it years ago with someone else, too. Not in the theatre, though. We sat at home and watched the disc and I could not really get my head around so many things going on. I believe after seeing glimpses here and there since that time, I know precisely why she enjoyed. Very interesting, especially after yesterdays pitfalls which will not let up. Oh well. I turned off the beauty in favor of something which does not cause problems.

Football in a few hours. I don't even fucking care anymore.

Above, I spoke of the holiday movies which are shown all day every day from the beginning of November until well after Christmas. Sometimes they remind me of the past and other times they feel completely unrelated. The occasional visions show up, of course. I have been working with so many these days that I feel more detached now than in the last few years. They come and go, and like Torrey or Jessica, some will push my head around for a time while most cause absolutely nothing and I end up staring at the decorations. Funny. Just movies. Well, last night I ran across a movie from ninety-four which my partner had not seen before and played the whole two hours before going to bed. For me, the film is very emotional due to the circumstances of the story combined with where I was and how I felt about the franchise then. I do not recall the last time I viewed it, either. Years, perhaps a decade. After trying to describe in recent essays the wondrous period so many years back, seeing such a film from that pivotal era really smacked me upside the head within moments of the opening credits. These Hallmark films do nothing of the sort. Not even Tricia up there appearing as the most amazing woman I've ever seen on this channel can place any importance upon the content or story. Nothing at all. The movie generated all manner of thoughts and now I am fucked up once again.

Forget Tricia. She is a reminder that my happiness is not forthcoming combined with the possibility of nearly everything I have sought rolled up into one woman. Kind of like... Her.

I have not touched upon the difficulty yesterday during a few episodes of the show we decided to watch in its entirety. Some is to be expected, of course, due to the subject matter and storylines. What happened to me was a touch unexpected at first, but later I understood and calmed a little. No one ever seems to fully grasp that the world inside my head is vastly different than anything they may have imagined, ever. It is a wasteland of issues, memories, and small land mines awaiting triggers. Buried problems are uncovered out of nowhere and memories drive nails through my brain in a matter of seconds upon seeing or hearing insensitivity. I am far worse now than in early eleven. Several moments had me so tightened that my winding mechanism is going to break, and I am fucking tired of worrying over what may take place on a given day. There is just too much sometimes. This morning I am more thoughtful, yet still I feel that tinge of concern regarding the day ahead, just like all the others. I don't know what to do.

The film last night was totally different than anything which has caused turmoil. Science fiction, that is all. Oh, there are slight troubles here and there because of one of the characters, but honestly they are minimal. I watch all the shows and movies quite a bit due to the nature of the content being focused upon unreal events. They are rarely human, emotional stories. As I said, science fiction generally puts my mind at ease. The characters must be dealt with in order for me to embrace the entire affair. I can even discuss them at length with very little difficulty. Conversations about males have to take place from time to time. Only natural. And the characters are just characters, not real people. The film was a piece of my history that is going to return often enough to force me to deal with the idea that everything from that time is gone for good. Life was hitting on all cylinders, for lack of better terms. Despite the premiere taking place after the move to the Midwest, those years leading up to the change were still fresh and wondrous. The bottom line is I was drawn in due to my partner's unfamiliarity to the story and then made the decision to watch the whole thing. Less than an hour after the opening credits and I was an emotional wreck. I must avoid the title now.



433



This morning is not good. Worry over everything keeps slamming my head and yesterday returns to my thinking over and over. I will continue to watch that fucking show for all the good it may do. Tons of Emmy awards were thrown at it for good reason... Each aspect is amazing and the talent runs rampant when compared to other programs, older or otherwise. I have seen the series all the way through several times, and watching alone became a way of life for years. With another? And a woman? Ugh... I keep seeing those parts which are much easier to take in while solo. This add up to the idea that if I indeed intend to carry forward and all the way to the end, I am going to need to deal with the shit. The truth is that it is far too good an arc to avoid just because my head might explode. Sensitivity, understanding, whatever... Nothing can help me, really. The biggest question is this: Will all of the crap be worth it?

So, today. Hmm... The usual Sunday stuff will be a breeze as always. Back when I was working, this day became sacred and I generally had a cutoff time when I wished all the business finished in order to enjoy the rest of the time before jumping back into the shit Monday morning. Well, I still kind of feel the same, although Monday is just like all the rest. I suppose the line is the garbage. Thoughts of all I need to complete before football were already in full swing before I even rose from the bed. Heh. At least I'm used to dealing with housework.

I also awakened rather pissed off at myself for a lack of effort these days. That is entirely my fault, although if you consider how difficult the past can be, perhaps I should not throw myself under the bus that quickly. I am quite certain everyone has their past to deal with, and thinking such as that helps me to realize that I am not alone in lamenting all which is gone. I must categorize stuff and find the ability to place things aside sometimes so I can clear my head for daily business. Damn it. If only that last thought was easier to embrace. I did sell a couple of small items and ship them off, though. That much surprises me after all the procrastination. I simply MUST do more, damn it all. If I am to survive the turning of the calendar to the second of January, I cannot just sit here on my fucking ass and watch the sun move across the sky. Pissed off? Well, that may have been a bit much. Let's just say disappointed, instead. I am unhappy with such a lack of motivation. Further, today. I have to go further in and around the football and lunch. No choice.

Jessica again. Two hours of her up there in extreme detail. Splendid. Turn it off.

Stop.

And Sunday went by as always. Little trouble, nothing too crazy, but the football is demonstrating that we are going to need the patience caps for the remainder of the season. Our team is not healthy or doing well right now. Oy. The game was so down, in fact, that we ended up opting for an episode. Heh. Trouble there, of course. There is no getting around that crap, but the story and acting is excellent so it gets a pass for the most part. I can't close myself off to everything or I will lose my shit. There must be options for viewing. Nice lunch, television, and then the evening back at the homestead. Another day burned on by and here I sit once again with a wide-open morning. No driving. Not after that debacle last week. I need a break.

So, a few other items are going to be prepped for selling. I can't list anything for a few days, though, because we will be out of town four days of next week. I must be here to ship. I can have everything ready and then list them later this week. More cash tumbling in will be nice. Also, some of the items I have been storing and organizing are now heading slowly back out the door. This is yielding empty space along with empty containers for me to use elsewhere. Very good. For a change, the pile of crap in the garage is now thinning. Between that fact and my recent foray into the closets, things are looking up. I still have lots to do, so I must avoid gushing about accomplishments until such time as I feel a line has been crossed. Today will be a little more effort in similar directions.

One of the Hallmark movies featuring Jamie was on this morning. I stared, like always, because I am a junkie for her eyes most of the time. There has been something else there, though. I can't put my finger on it, but the idea may be caring for her since she has been through so much at a young age. Perhaps I just have that instinct which kicks in sometimes, although I don't know why it points to one person and then skips one hundred. Why do I feel the need to tell her everything is ok? I don't understand. Maybe the big windows? In one of the scenes this morning her eyes were bigger than ever. I gazed and saw trouble, and that with her playing a role in a movie and not being herself. I don't get it. Something inside me has been altered toward a more emotional stance when seeing a beautiful woman. Not desire or the obsession over her physical form, but an overwhelming pull toward simply holding on and whispering in her ear. Huh? What about all the legs and numbers? Is that going away? I realize that Jamie is a special case and I will probably never stop caring for her characters, but for crying out loud... Did I need another situation like a cherry on top of the already piling issues with females? Focusing upon her is understandable due to the long history, though. At least one small part makes sense. The rest? Ugh.

She does have some of the largest eyes I have ever seen. Just in the last year or so I have really become enamored with the look of big eyes, too. I suppose everyone has a 'thing', and while mine was the mathematics and mechanics for many years, the idea of something deeper and more feeling is not surprising as I age. The fact that the woman is fourteen years my junior might be a factor, too. The caring... Get it? Why do I 'care' for her? Or the other one? I forget exactly, but there was a woman out in the world somewhere who clipped me out of sense and drew the caring. Am I being ridiculous? There is another possibility, too, and one I hesitate to explore too deeply because it can force others to think of me as quite screwed up. Maybe I will come back to it and gush. But for now... Switchtrack.

Alterations made to order.



434



I might as well carry a sewing kit with all of the alterations I have been prompting other to make of themselves while near me. Is it unfair? I've gone into that before, and I honestly feel that if I am the cause of people walking on eggshells or working to be mindful of their behavior around me, I am doing something wrong. But I don't know. I am beginning to believe that dealing with me as a person, along with all those problems which have me constantly thinking too much, is a burden for some. I can't have that. I am a good person, just messed up. And that is not the fault of those around me. People should be able to be themselves. The problem with such a belief is if I cannot deal with the personalities near me, I will need to stay away and that is not easy nor something I would choose to do. Right now I don't see a solution, though. I just continue to worry, both for my own comfort and that of the others. At times it does feel unfair. Unfortunately, that fact loses out to fear, just like everything else on the planet.

Some states and counties are closing shop again just like the first orders from the government back in March. Hmm... Just a few more days and I will have been here at home for eight months. Geez. Anyway, I think many people felt the pandemic was politically-motivated and would quickly disappear after the election earlier this month. Well, that is not happening. Apparently there are record numbers right now. We may be shut down again, too, so I'll have to diligently prepare for whatever comes down the road. Hopefully nothing crazy before driving to the high country in seven days. Time, I suppose. Stop.

As I suspected, the restrictions have tightened again. We are one level from the top. Oof.

Yesterday did not go as planned. Not even close. Oh, I was cruising along with my stuff until hearing strange noises from the bathtub while the washer was running. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say we have an issue which may be alleviated this afternoon as a temporary fix, and then down the road we are going to have to have some things replaced. This morning I am apprehensive and tense because of it, but at least I have my comforts for the time being and am not driving. I need to be here this afternoon without interruption, so home all day. I'm glad, too. I need it. As of early this morning, the feeling is that I will remain here with the computer for some hours before moving around to do anything else. The kitchen has barely been touched due to the need for minimizing the amount of water heading down the drain, too. So, I will probably continue cleaning as I did for a while yesterday.

Tuesday after one of the toughest Mondays in recent memory. Keep in mind that the tiniest smidgen of something being out of order in my universe can cause me to fall through the floor, so when I say 'tough' it really was not much at all. Others are working out in the pandemic and I am still at home. How tough could a Monday really be? Well, the crap inside doesn't help. Fuck it... I don't know, but today is Tuesday.

Oh boy is the wind picking up so far this morning. I guess we are in for some rain, too. I'll have to ensure everything outside is in good order before a storm hits.

Yesterday I began prepping the house for vacation, and since I can't use much water, I suppose I can just continue where I left off. The waste line issue has removed several options, but there are always other parts of this place which are in need of attention. Perhaps I can refocus my efforts in the old office and get stuff in order there before working elsewhere. I don't know. I can sit with this for a while and maybe revisit the idea of changing the primary domain, too. So far, I have had zero success with affecting change there and the whole thing is beginning to irritate me. I'm supposed to be in control of the site, damn it. Ugh... Fix it, please.

Anyway, I'll continue with all this crap later. I need to think, like always."



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