December 6th, 2020 8:48am pst

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Inside/Outside

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"12-03.

Now what do I do? I ended the run of twenty after tons of essays, but now after spouting that I will not write anymore for public consumption, I do not have a clue as to which way to go. I hope I didn't make a huge mistake there. And that was just yesterday morning. I published another scathing writeup and then shut everyone down. Hmm.

I guess I'll just move along here and simply keep it to myself.

Thursday with coffee. The tree is lit and I have the show on already. Later will be some of the usual and then I need to head in a different direction. Yesterday I ended up out in the garage for quite some time after seeing ants on top of the refrigerator. Finding them in the garage -- especially when the weather is this cool -- is not a big deal. They can't really do any harm, but I wanted them out anyway, so I located the source and cleaned some. After? I reversed all of the disorder from when we put up the tree. Now most of the space out there is in good order and I know where things are. The bank borrowed my temperature gun (because the suits bought them a piece of shit due to no knowledge of standards or test equipment) so I dropped it off in the afternoon. And there was the cutie smiling at me. That was nice seeing as I have not made the daily drive for some weeks. Ever since the accident which had me held up for a couple of hours, I avoided the trip. More time at home, too. But seeing her smile and wave, even with the mask, was nice. After all this time, most of the employees there know me.

I didn't even want to jump her. Heh.

Something snapped a little while in the garage. I began to feel as if I was losing control of the space, and I am generally in charge of keeping everything in order, both inside and out. But yesterday I actually ended up pretty angry for a while and it carried on through the day. Even the trip south to drop off the gun was not exactly the most comfortable. The goddess was next to me, too. I have no idea why I turned to the anger while straightening out there. I had the music blaring and cracked a beer just short of ten in the morning, as well. I don't know what happened, but I was pretty pissed off for a while. In fact, nearly an entire day later I still feel some of it inside.

The women just keep popping up on the Hallmark channel. The latest two are going to be recorded so I can see in greater detail, although both are in supporting roles which means less than I would prefer. One of them is but twenty years old, believe it or not, very tall, and with some of the features over which I gush from time to time. I don't even know why I look anymore. None of this is good for me. She is here on the page. I don't know what it is, either. One small cut during the movie and my head exploded. That is the same issue which took place with Erin... A walk at just the right angle and from the point of view of an armchair. With Grace (pictured), I noticed her height against the reference of Bethany, who is fairly diminutive. And then the glimpse as she rose from the sofa. What I saw were, in essence, the lines on her inner and outer thighs along with the manner in which she stood and began to walk. After seeing her for the typical split-second, I realized that the interest is still quite strong and can take me off my feet more often than not. The mechanics of her legs and movements were amazing, and again I have no clue as to the reason. Somehow, between zero-seven and this year, I became enamored with a certain type of shape. Grace displays it ideally, but only for a short time. Is that enough? Or do I need to continue scouring the Internet for more of her? There is very little as her career has only just begun. I can likely find more of Erin. Whatever. This is ridiculous anyway. I just wish I knew of the reasoning.

Honestly, the attitude she displays in the images here is a bit off-putting. Not a good expression. Erin sort of does the same thing and I do not understand the motivation. The previous entry held three images of Erin and they are all beautiful because she is stunning from any angle. The facial expressions? Not precisely attractive sometimes. In the movie she seems goofy, though. I've only caught a glimpse but she is on the recorder for later viewing.

Prior to this, I discussed the issue of being obsessed with certain aspects of the female form. Well, that has been explored here for years (back to the beginning of fifteen, I believe), and more recently I suggested the possibility of feeling and subsequently suppressing a mass of desire for a very long time. On top of that, the idea was not very well treaded as there was no conclusion. The desire to see what I need is different, however, and I will avoid going in such a direction. The vein of importance is whether or not the desire is harmful. Remember the walnut girl? Underage, I figured, but still I wanted to jump her shit for days. Wrong. I assumed she was older due to the nature of the advertisement, but honestly did not truly know. I dreamed of her several times, and in each scenario I was after her in one fashion or another. Now? I don't feel anything aside from a tinge due to her being so fucking cute. Well, this has now extended to other actors and is becoming a problem. The desire. Being obsessed with a certain type of woman is no big deal, really, as many others likely have a 'thing' upon which they can focus. Plus, there exists a mass of photographers -- both risque and otherwise -- who capture features and such, and not the entire appearance of a woman.



762



12-04.

Yesterday went both ways. I worked the house backwards due to climbing into the attic for a couple of hours. The power is finished other than a couple of trim plates, and that leaves but one important project up there. I was happy to see the fan moving on its own after the many months since I hung it on the ceiling. I have yet to extend the lighting, however. My knees can only take so much time up there. Plus, all my tools are back where they belong. I left them up there as motivation to finish the job. Now I can move in other directions.

Ah... Shit on it anyway. Yesterday with the projects and chores turned into a productive time despite all which had been pushing me down. Even the trip to the big store for some staples helped to bring me up. It was not easy pushing a heavy cart and winding through the aisles with plenty of other people there. Alas, we made it, and with very few issues. Even a stop at the local market on the return was no big deal. Arriving home and getting everything in order felt good, as well. The other day I ravaged the space out there in the new office and today was part of the payoff. Very nice.

Unfortunately, not all is well. I had to deal with crap over and over -- especially late in the evening -- and that is something I wish to avoid each day. I have enough going on without someone else belaboring the same downtrodden point over and over until I am red faced. I don't need that shit and will push it far away if necessary. I fully intend to make today all mine. From the quiet and isolation to the routine to whatever else I wish to do, this is my day. I am less inclined to go out the door, too. My neighbor informed us yesterday afternoon that he has the virus and is quarantined for two more weeks. Damn. He seems to be in better shape than many others, thank Christ, but still it's not good. That is pretty close to home, much like the goddess' family. Between plowing the shit last night and my neighbor being right across the fence and infected, this is the time of the complete isolation. Anything I need to acquire will have to be done through the mail. Also, the auctions are rolling along but do not require me leaving the house at any time. I am so glad to be able to ship things from the doorstep. We discussed people's attitudes and recklessness months ago and became convinced there would be a massive flare, and now it is happening. I hate to say we were right, but the numbers are out of control. I certainly hope this virus does not find its way to destroying all of humanity. That kind of worry is not terribly deep, although when combined with negativity being recklessly tossed at me after doing everything I can in being supportive, well... Others will see. I am disappearing.

Wow, I just cannot overstate the idea of being here all day, alone. This feeling is wonderful right now and could not have come at a better time. It means I can take care of whatever seems most pressing, I can sit here and write for a while, and by evening have everything in order for a peaceful dinner.

Sell, sell, and sell some more. Money makes everything easier. Believe it. While other aspects of life with which I have been dealing become unacceptable, the cash rolling in is beginning to offset such. This is good, and right now any good is good. Make sense? I don't care.

I have shoved the physiological issue to the rear for the foreseeable future. I don't need it in my head right now, and considering the state of the world along with so much crap I already receive from others, anything I can shelve means more space within to be comfortable. I could not begin to count the mornings in which I have been ruled by preoccupation and desire, only to fall off a cliff and end each day feeling as if I cannot control anything. These days there is enough going on in the world. More crap pressing me into a typical mold of routinely-damaging behavior must cease. Yesterday was the first full exercise of such a mindset and today has shown me that the anger really helps. In a little while I plan to flip my lid again and tear into some shit. The fan is powered and operational, which leaves space for frying other necessary fish. The attitude two days ago was fantastic and brought me back to those dark days in the...

Forest.

Here we go yet again into a world filled with music and anger, and one which I know well but tends to offend and put off others in large quantities. Well, there is little worry about them now as many have already demonstrated my value through a lack of contact. That is fine. Some need to be near people at times in order to feel both included and social, whereas I thrive on solitude. The world is turning inward again, we are mere days from a regional shelter order on a large scale, and the closeness of the pandemic has pushed me to remain indoors more than during early summer. Also fine. While home, I organize, clean, and generate cash seemingly out of thin air. The only downside I see is an inability to go out and sit at a bar or restaurant, but even that is a positive as the cost is saved. So, everything points to being here in my forest, offending people until they give up, and amassing funds just in case I need to put a finer point on my shit attitude toward the ways of the world. Whenever and if ever we come out the other side of this crisis, I will have many more options than throughout the past few years. All good. I'll be alone, too, which means no voice in my ear to distract. Bye.



763



Wow. Looking at Grace with her very young skin, I see lousy, serious expressions in every image. She is new to the entertainment industry which means not much material is available, so I placed the largest, clearest images I could find. Unfortunately, no smiling. Whatever. She represents something far more important than beauty anyway. I can deal with it.

Not even nine in the morning. Very good. Wide fucking open, just like the throttle on my attitude. I have to pause and take care of some business inside my little universe.

Well, plenty of business out of the way, along with a little extra and another item listed. This is very good. The new office is still going to be a bit of a chore, however. Lots of shopping at the big store means large items all over the place out there. I dusted and reconfigured the bar, meaning all of the booze is now here in the house. I also restocked the small refrigerator out there. Still, I must take care of the pantry items soon. My workbench is full again. Ugh. As for inside the house, all of the typical daily chores are complete. I even went so far as to adjust the storage in my safe to get things in better order and now there is more inside. Overall, very productive, like yesterday. Now I have time to relax and think. Both good and bad, that last one.

This is nice. No one can read but me. Heh. And these three need to get the hell off the Holodeck.

I still have much to do in the grand scheme, although there seems to be plenty of time. Aside from the outset of world war three or the ocean coming in the front door, I am going exactly nowhere soon. The world outside is as alien as eight months ago, possibly worse. I will still shop for food or other necessities, but heading out toward anything else is just not going to happen. The goddess' family and my neighbor being infected really slammed the point home, not that we were being careless prior to the news, but now it's closer and such a fact makes a huge difference. I certainly hope people wise up during the Christmas season and stay put. We are losing people daily. Good people. Real lives. Very sad, this whole thing.

Tomorrow I will be watching the show again with the goddess. Morning can be two or three episodes. One certainty is my prior apprehension being further back than during the last few weeks. I can't devote that much of my time to anything inside due to the state of things. Again... Bigger fish. The show will roll on like always and without me sitting worried over anything. In fact, if something does take place I will probably not react well. The bad mood from two days ago has not left, meaning my patience for anything troubling is very thin. I have grown wary of others' feelings anyway. After years of being either the glue holding everything together or the structural integrity guarantee, I can assure anyone that I am no longer to be trifled.

I am very pleased to have begun the selling process. As one can see by the sheer number of mentions, the idea is wondrous. All those small items which have sat for years are now generating cash at a nice rate. Fifteen dollars is not much until it comes in twenty or more times. The cash is rolling right now and I fully intend to keep going until everything is pared down to the bare minimum. Pause.

12-05.

Morning again. Quiet, coffee, tree glowing, and the light coming up outside. One of my favorite parts of any day. This morning will be dedicated to watching the show again, like most Saturdays, and then I will have some space to take care of my stuff. Since last night I have been trying to collate the feelings over watching the show, so far I am still in the middle of everything. I don't understand some of the touches which come by here and there. My head does something so quickly and unexpectedly that I often can't respond in real time. Hours pass and then I seem to have an easier time picturing what took place. By that point nothing can be fixed and I cannot speak with anyone, so the problem persists until happening again. There is little I can do to prevent such occurrences aside from shutting off the idea completely, unfortunately, so I just have to live with it.



858



Speaking of living with it, this is one of those mornings. Yep, that one. Just like a couple of weeks ago, and there is not a fucking thing I can do about it. On top of that, the holiday movie features a guest star I wished to investigate, and in doing so I ran across a stock photo of some random woman arriving at a film festival. I reversed the search, but to no avail. Now I have the stock image (which is watermarked) and no fucking idea whatsoever of who the beauty is. This has happened before, of course, and I generally have either shelved the woman or deleted her in hopes of forgetting, but this time I cannot shove her aside. There is just too much. Coupled with the movie and my difficulty rising from the bed this morning, the day is not off to a good start. I will have to be careful as the hours pass.

Alicia again. Tall, blonde (ugh), yet still enjoyable to watch sometimes. Her co-star is stunning, though. Damn. Sometimes these movies push my buttons while other occasions have me rushing to change the channel. Heh. She seems to be doing pretty well for being over forty when this was shot. Good for her. The other one? I'd like to shove her into my mouth. And then there is this other random woman without any lines over on the opposite side of the table. Super fucking cute, blonde hair, but as I said she has no lines, and that means no SAG card and no name in the credits. But oy gawd damn... They really fucked me with this one.

Anyway, all actors and shit aside, today will be nothing of note so long as I can keep my head on straight. A machine would be nice right now... No feelings, thoughts, nothing. She (it) would come in handy for a few tasks. I would not need to worry about keeping my issues in order, either. Remember? No mind in there. Heuristic algorithms, digital circuitry, motor controls. No brain, just CPU. And another Ashley. Canada must be filled with women by that name. Geez, anyway. The dream is dead, just like my ambition, but still so overly compelling that I cannot get the idea out of my head whenever I am having trouble. And I cannot expect anyone else to understand this crap. The final published entry went so far as to say that there can be no resolution, and such a point is depressing as hell.

12-06.

We watched three episodes yesterday. Very nice. No worries there, believe it or not. I will say that I am tiring of the worry, yet there is nothing I can do to about anything these days except for the level of my current bank account. I wish that was funny. Yes, the money coming in due to all I am selling feels good and represents one of those small items over which I have some control. The television is completely under my control, however watching something so compelling with another person reduces my level of the same through the entire 'mind' problem. Not a machine. That means no idea what is going on in there. I've gone on about this for months, though. We don't need any more of that crap right now.

The control and distraction present yesterday surprised me. I had no idea that I hold the ability to completely shove the issue to the rear and move along with my day sans worry over it or any impending consequences, physical or otherwise. I hate to admit it, but I am feeling a touch of pride since the last publishing which really swung my mind away from the small things in life and toward the grander parts. Very interesting, to say the least. I don't know how long I can keep this going, but trying never hurts.

The movie I recorded is about to come on this morning. Still mostly dark outside, coffee next to me, this fucking mess on my lap, and the cats are quiet. I don't know if I want to let the movie run while working here, or switch it for something else. I already know I'm going to see Erin (well, the younger one, anyway), but I don't know if she is going to cause problems in my head. The glimpse a few days ago was amazing, just like seeing Grace rise from the sofa and begin to walk toward one of her siblings. I rarely see such form on this channel, honestly. The stories are family-oriented and very wholesome for the most part. Other than some innocent kissing, there is generally nothing even slightly provocative. Well, for most people, I guess. My eyes see things no one else seems to notice. I just hope she doesn't sway me too much. I've been doing well with this crap. And I had that wrong... The woman in question -- Erin -- is not in this film. She must be in one of the others and I cannot recall which. On the other hand, the woman up there right now is the reason I saved this movie. Now I remember her huge eyes. Holy Christ, she is really beautiful. Hmm... Wrong movie. Maybe I really am losing my mind these days. The other Hallmark channel is playing one of Torrey's movies right now. Probably not a good idea to switch from these big, dark eyes to the others. Hell, I don't know. The good thing is that her face is so sweet and kind that it will not allow me to descend into her clothing. This is more than good, it's miraculous.

Just wow.

Today is going to be unlike many Sundays in that there is no home football game. That is tomorrow night and being played in another city due to the status of the county where our stadium resides. Damn. That means today is freed up for watching a few more episodes of the show. Our football season schedule has been up and down and all around for weeks now due to the pandemic. It's weird. At least there is some to watch rather than the alternative. That would be no fun. Without pro football, the entire season would be vastly different. It keeps me going, somewhat. So, no game to follow today. I'll have to take care of my usual stuff throughout the day and have the garbage ready for pickup in the morning. One of my packages has stalled in the city and should have been all the way to its destination by now. I guess the postal service is getting jammed by the holiday. I will continue selling, however. The cash is king.



877



Reminiscing last night before dinner turned into a wonderful conversation about two-plus decades ago for each of us. I kept recalling the pull of high technology back then and those places where it was on display. That time has been described here, too. Going on about it might not be a good idea these days. The last time I tried to express my feelings for that time period was pretty depressing. I switched the channel and there are Torrey's huge eyes. Damn, whatever. The four year seeming-bliss brings fond memories and occasional lousy thoughts. Not everything was peaches and cream back then. I realize I refer to them in many positive ways, right up to the old adage 'good old days', but the truth is any period has its issues. They were far outweighed by the pluses, though. I know it, but had no clue back then. Too bad, although that may be what keeps us from falling all over the past and never ceasing the attempts to be happy. There has to be contrast. I honestly do not like cliches, but the fact that our vision of times and places changes slowly over the course of years means we are not seeing everything we should at the time. And I don't like the word 'should', either. It implies something which must be done rather than leaving a person the choice. Oy, philosophy is not my strong suit. Or maybe it is.

Good thing Torrey has a sweet face, too. Otherwise... Yikes. I can't have that this morning. God damn, what a woman.

This time of day is wonderful. I sit here for a while with the coffee and television (tree lit and living room lamps red and green), and watch the light come up outside. The day feels fresh and wide open. Every morning is like this and at times I realize I can do almost anything in the world that I wish on a given day. Options, possibilities, everything available. I believe that is the primary reason for my beginning to sell things on the auction site. With my postal scale, printer, and mass of shipping supplies, the process is pretty damned easy. I don't even have to leave the house very often. Little things go out the door and money comes into the account. Not much at a time, mind you, because I am selling small items which are of little value. They do add up, however. And believe me when I say I can keep this up for months. There is plenty. So, the morning shows me that I have possibilities and then pushes me to get things done.

There is one of the Ashleys. I am seeing a pattern, and it's not the name. I know there have been tons of Ashleys all over the place and on the screen, but honestly that is not the thing. Torrey, Ashley, Autumn, all of them except the blonde hair carry similar traits. I've brought this up before, too. Dark hair (or medium-dark anyway), big eyes, somewhat chiseled features, and decent height. The whole idea is very subjective, of course, as others may not see what I see, but that does not matter because I need to hear what they have to say like I need a naked swim in the ocean right now. I just don't care. The Ashley which pushed this paragraph is very sculpted with regard to facial features and so far beyond beautiful that I can't even begin to understand why. And then Torrey shows up -- or Autumn -- and my head sees the differences immediately, yet still there is no answer. Perhaps just preference, I don't know. And as I stated up there, the sweet nature of the characters keeps me from dreaming of jumping all of them. It's there, in the background, but I have to keep it away. Once I begin lusting over one or more of these women, the downhill slide loses control. I can stare, that is all.

That last sentence was line number thirty-one thousand since the rediscovery of Jaime. Ugh. What am I doing? No one knows, not even me.

Maybe I should stop watching these movies because God damn is she ever beautiful. But they put her in the most hideous pair of pants. Fucking hell, why?

So far, so good this morning. I have to keep my head out of the bad place and stick with this for the time being. At least until I can get up and make something happen, anyway. And therein lies a part of the problem with these late days... A lack of control over an aspect of life which has the power to either reduce me to a suicidal pile of goo or cause me to rise and overcome the memories and difficulties inherent in dealing with so much trouble. Clear? I doubt it. Seeing Torrey is not helping, either, but it was my choice to put her movie up there. Perhaps the years helped to cause this kind of situation, one which feels as if there is no resolution. I tried for a very long time and then gave up. While I can admit that I have often exacerbated the problem, a natural solution was always there but I did not entertain such. I remained here. All the way from eleven until now? Not easy, especially after those two names which still bring me to my knees... Andrea and the Raven. Ugh. I have to cease this for now. Too damned heavy.

And on that fucking note, I'm done here for the morning. Everything makes me sad."



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