05-19-2019 05:49 pdt

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Part Six

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"Nothing is improving. Yes, I have four hoppers, one very comfortable place right behind the locomotives to sleep and eat, and the loving support of a beautiful woman who still is very mysterious. The difficulties inherent in knowing my parts are all over the place are setting in, however. Very uncomfortable, that thought. With my head still reeling from the tale of my pain and the bitter cold outside, my brain is feeling pressure. Again. I need to resolve everything.

We are rolling at high speed and in a straight line. Julia stands as usual, and the motion makes her again appear like a veteran fisherman. Swaying to and fro but never out of balance. The sight of her height and long legs with feet together pushes me to see a woman who has spent a lifetime on trains. Cargo? Passenger? Who knows. But she does not lose control at all. I, on the other hand, have spent little time on the same. I stay in the seat, constantly switching my gaze from the rails ahead to the dramatic beauty that is Julia. Our fling during that thunderous passing train is spinning in my head. Breasts bouncing against my face, her legs flailing as if she was overwhelmed by passion, and the shaking ground assisting our movements. It was crazy. She looks at me with huge eyes.

'Are you ok?'
'Please try to relax, lover. I am here for you.'

Oy gawd. Her words and the simplicity of a tender kiss can bring the pressure back in an instant. For the time being I am ok as the worry subsides slightly. Ahead I still see only the hazy landscape. Flat. Straight. Frozen. I know that things will come along. I do not know when or how far, but we will find them. Julia is a wonderful companion with her gentle caring and compassion. The idea of her being there solely to assist me is still baffling, though. I need her, want her, but still have no clue as to how that series of events in the caboose took place. Whatever. I need hoppers and her loving arms around me. Understanding from where she came may not be necessary for my survival. I cannot help but wonder what may happen to the entire affair and Julia once all of my things are in order. Will she fade away? Hmm.

Vader hoods. Signals.

'Slow down, my dear. Twenty.'

Approaching and growing in the windshield is another train's rear end staring at my eyes. I see the EoT but it is not blinking. The train seems idle and cold. Motionless, stagnant... Sort of similar to my brain at times. Julia tells me to stop our locomotives and wait a bit. Did I miss a switch? A siding? Is she going to wait until another train rushes by at terminal speed and then jump me again? Barely two hours have passed since that crazy sexfest, so I do not know what to expect from her endless insight. Looking at her standing in the center of the cab does still drive me nuts due to her incredible form, but I have no clue of what is in her beautiful head from one second to the next. She comes to me -- smiling from ear to ear -- and plants a kiss I will not soon forget. Oy gawd the pressure. I do not even know if I can attack her again. Staring at such unreal beauty does put those thoughts into my brain often, and her demeanor toward me is like a dream. She allows anything and understands. I do not understand at all. Julia's head snaps left as she leers out the windshield.

The EoT begins to blink. Ok. The woman knows everything.


A landscape of dreamy smoothness

The cars before us are not mine. Julia said that I would feel them when nearby but I feel nothing other than desire for her body in my mouth. Heh. Nipples. Oy.

'We need to board that train right now.'
'Let us go.'

I have to bow to her lovely wisdom. We grab the warm outerwear and leave the heated cab. Outside the air is even colder and when I comment upon the discomfort and loss of some dexterity, Julia states that when my things are near the air will respond accordingly. Wow. So... We are going to get the train out of our way? Huh? Walking, walking, walking hand in loving hand. God damn she is so wonderful. Every step brings more cold right through my heavy coat and gloves but being up against her helps tremendously. Julia walks the roadbed as if she was born to navigate anything. My slight stumbling makes her giggle a bit and that is just what I need to relax a little and maintain a somewhat open mind. Her face is so fucking cute that my head constantly tries to analyze from where she originated. My brain? From my dreams? Is she a combination of all those women over whom I doted and drooled? What about pouring bourbon all over Jasmine's yummy ass and licking it off as if I had just crossed the desert? Andrea and her never-ending desire to swallow me? Ellie and those breasts of uncompromising construction? In my face? Pointing up and out? Supple. Firm. Damn it. Now I want Julia's ass in my mouth. I almost need it more than the fucking hoppers. Just as I begin to descend into a psycho-sexual frenzy, she stops, grabs my face in both hands, and addresses me just as Andrea did in front of the big Bellagio fountains...

'Anything you wish, lover. In the cab up ahead.'

Mumbling and disorientation are all I have. Julia continues to smile as she takes my hand and carries on toward the lead engine. Holy God. The woman is so damned gorgeous that my head barely pulls out of her fucking thong enough to think about walking and trying to tackle the technical train-related operations. We have things to do, cars to gather, and my lifetime of issues to take on. Forward, idiot. Stop the sex. So beautiful, though. I nearly cannot stop those dreamy images. Still worried, but Julia derails (heh) my concerns often. Walking along hand in hand. The air is bitter cold and Julia is flaming hot.

The line of boxcars is interrupted by a passenger car. The fuck? They do not even match at the couplings. In fact, as we approach the rear of the streamliner I see that the remaining train behind is not connected. The newer and more modern tandem trains normally are not mixed with older cargo vessels. The image of that sleek passenger carrier sandwiched between old, rusty and beat-up boxcars feels strange. Perhaps it is a puzzle of some sort. I do not know. Julia pulls me along to the head of the carrier and remarks that the lights inside are glowing. Also? We will take a look and perhaps bring it along if the means to do so is available. Wow. I do not understand, but she is most definitely the one to make decisions. Onward along the ties. Quiet, cold, hand-in-hand.

More Vader hoods with red signals glowing. Four, in two banks. That means there are two lines long enough to require signaling ahead. It also means room to move things around. If she wishes to take the passenger car, we will need lots of room. Julia stops us immediately.


Legs of Andrea and Juliette combined

'My dear, go back to our train and wait for me. I will move things around and send green when you can proceed. Watch the hoods, lover.'

What else can I say to her? Julia takes those long legs and steps with purpose. I return to our loving engine, crank the heat, and await her signal. While sitting above the rumbling diesel, I take some time with thoughts away from that woman. Back into my purpose and dealing with so many unknowns. One certainty is that nothing can take place in my life until the comfort of having my feelings in place and under as much control as possible. I have no fucking idea of what happens after all of the hoppers are coupled. Where do I go? Maybe Julia knows. She seems to have some otherworldly insight into the whole affair. I wish I did. Jesus, my things everywhere, the bleak landscape, and concern over what will become of me. The more I think about moving forward, the more I feel that we are accomplishing something, albeit slowly. The coziness of that caboose comes to mind often and that aspect of my messy life helps. I know that at the end of each day we can isolate from the cold and relax together. And as much as I'd like to pick Julia’s brain about the situation, I honestly do not know where to begin. Something will push me, perhaps when the day’s business runs out. I have asked very little of the knowledge that goddess is carrying and I do not doubt she would be willing to reveal a few facts to me. The passenger car threw me off quite a bit, though. If my life is spread among covered hoppers and they are the priority along with my well-being, why does she wish to spend so much time and effort to split the other train and bring that car along? Baffling, but she obviously knows the reason. Green inside the Vader hood. Reverse to the switch, out, thrown, forward at low speed.

I already miss her.

My sweeping searchlight shows nothing close by. Rolling alongside the other train is kind of surreal. The train is ghostly for some reason. It feels haunted, as if it's been there waiting years for my presence but I know not why. Just an instinct, I guess. By the time I reach that strangely-placed passenger car, the train leading it begins to move. Julia must already be at the controls. We cruise, side by side, until I see her train rolling onto the main. Slow, stop. The train continues past me slowly until I finally see the last boxcar. Instead of stopping once clear of the switch, I see the EoT stop blinking and glow solid red as it continues along in front of me until literally fading out of sight. Why is she pulling so far ahead?

'Do you know what you have to do?'

Fuck me on the rails. Her voice again, but we discussed that already. Why again? And where is she going? There seems plenty of room for our shorter train to clear, back up, and snag the passenger car. Something is goofy, so I lock the engine and step out. By the time I head around the snowplow of my locomotive, the other train is gone. Over on the right side, the passenger car sits there glowing. Hmm. All of a sudden I am nervous. The ache returns. My stomach responds as usual with much discomfort. I am feeling more and more sad as I step closer. What is going on? Moving tentatively toward the forward ladder nearly brings me to tears. Everything feels bad, as if there is no hope in my future. My head pounds. I stop just short of the forward coupling and stare at the curtains. Voices. Movement. Glasses clinking. The fuck? Is that laughter? What could be funny? I feel horrible. Another few steps. Conversation. Who in the blue fuck is in there? Now I am so fucked up that I fear going in. All of the pain is sending terrible, nightmarish memories through me and causing me to wish everything away. I need to curl up in a ball and hide. I feel so fucking bad that I cannot even find the strength to climb to the door. I plop down on the roadbed and hold myself tight in the freezing air. Everything seems to be pushing me down.

'Enter, my love.'


Loving looks at every moment

God damn it anyway. I was already unable to go further and then she commands me.

'You will be ok. Enter.'
'Where did you go? I'm so scared.'
'You must go alone. I will see you soon.'

Sadness, fear. I feel betrayal, pain and despair. There is no anticipation whatsoever, only tremendous hesitation and a wish to flee. But Julia told me to go in. Damn it. I have to sit and think. Just a few minutes before trying to climb that frozen ladder. My stomach is churning as if it is making the worst ice cream imaginable. Tears in my eyes. So scared of whatever is in there and capable of driving me into the ground over the space of a few steps and very little time. All of a sudden I cannot move, like a dream with my legs and feet so wrapped up in the sheets that any mobility is impossible. I am stuck by my own limitations.


Ugh. What the fuck? Why is this happening? Her voice is now forceful and I am beginning to fear not doing as she commands. She knows everything but then leaves this toughest of situations on my weakened shoulders. A moment passes and I try to compose myself enough to stand. The frigid air is not helping. My toes are numb, head still aching. Twisted insides, too. I rise and begin to move toward the car on shaky legs. Each step brings more discomfort and a strengthening, nagging feeling that something terrible awaits me entering. At the door and staring at the icy handle. With throbbing fingers and knotted stomach, I twist it. A slight push allows light to wash over me. Eyes on me now. Very uncomfortable. People. What the fuck? I decide to swing the door completely open and throw myself further into frightening territory. The first object which commands my attention is the safe from my office at home parked in the corner under a table full of booze. Huh? Why are my personal things here? It is locked. Good. I do not need eyes in there. My dad is sitting in the other corner but I cannot approach him. Something inside me is blocking the ability to go see the man I have missed for many years. I see the asshole who interfered with my leave of absence enough to end my career as an engineering technician, which subsequently led to my being denied employment at the air station close to home. A dream job I likely could have held until retirement. None of that now. Only mired in work and yearning to get out at any given moment. My instinct is to strangle him but I hold my position and continue to scan the car. And then another figure from the past... the boy who led that attack and destroyed my ability to have children, along with a lifetime of physical and emotional difficulty regarding day-to-day life, sex, and desire. Wow, he is grown -- roughly my age -- and glaring at me as if we are the only two individuals in the room. Hmm. Anger building. I put it aside and carry on looking around. Others... Stacie from high school who I badly wished to jump, and with that same pissy expression whenever anyone paid attention to her gorgeousness. Aged, but still stunning. The Latino guy from the NASA cafe who used to serve me food, always smiling and positive. He waves warmly. Kim, from a job we did in San Francisco. She was cute but always carried an underlying sadness in her eyes that made me wish to ask. Next to her is the model who matched Ashley to a tee. She is wearing a black dress similar to Julia upon first sight and looks a thousand times more beautiful in person with those incredibly huge eyes and lips. She gazes at me blankly. Why is she here? Sitting at one of the windows is a tall man in black that I do not recognize. He has a western hat and gun belt, complete with shining revolvers and rounds to spare. Wow. He stares out the window and sits idle. And then I see my late uncle as I last saw him... Lying in a twin bed, weak and deteriorated by the cancer and his chronic drug and alcohol abuse for decades. Eyes closed, barely breathing. One of my favorite people in the world. When he passed away he was at the age I am now. I slump to the floor and begin to cry. What is this? Why are these people here? Every single one of them represents a difficult part of my life. The worst is the man who was that boy. Still glaring after nearly forty years. Why?

'Do you know what you have to do?'


She allowed me anything

Fuck me. I love her but what the fuck? Do I know? I decide to leave it alone with the questions and speak with some people in hopes of gathering clues. First on the list is my dad. Nothing. I address him warmly and receive one response: He cannot tell me anything. Splendid. I can't even hug him. Fuck. Next I try to speak with my uncle but he is out. And I mean unconscious. Fuck, again. Two people I love and I am denied any satisfaction. Who now? The model? Maybe I should hit on her endless beauty. Heh. I ask her if she can speak with me, after which she simply takes my face in her long fingers and plants a soft kiss. And then a smile. No words, but being so close to one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen is very nice. As I pull back from her stunning face, I see a person previously hidden. None other than the Brunette, and she is crying. I have to hear what she has to say. That woman was on my rollercoaster of depression and emotional wreckage during those months that I ran to the goblet over and over. As I move across the room, that fucking pair of eyes follows along. The anger still simmers within my head but I need help so I do my best to ignore him. By the time I reach the Brunette standing in the corner, she gestures for me to be quiet. One simple finger to her luscious lips is enough to let me know that I am to keep myself to myself. Why? No answers. I turn to see the cafe server is no longer smiling and others seem to be moving toward my safe and flanking each side. What in the fuck is that about? Everyone is looking at me except the gunslinger. He is absolutely locked to the man from my horrible past with palms on grips and fingers rolling. Wow.

Something begins to form in my head. I try to work through the relationship I had with each individual, the timing of those connections, and where I was in life during each. Things twist and turn as thoughts draw me away from the changing landscape of the big room. I feel nervous, yet in control of everything somehow. I see eyes begin to turn toward the door of my safe as the gunman stands and draws one revolver. My immediate reflex is to take cover but he is not looking at me. He is not looking at the man from my childhood, either. His eyes seem to be on my safe. The gun slides back into its holster. The other hand points one long, bony finger at the keypad on the safe as his gaze turns to me. I shudder briefly as his head dramatically and slowly nods just once. As the room seems to focus upon the safe, and the man I despise stands alone, I begin to feel that Julia’s question has been related to this situation all along. Her loving words have been floating in my head for quite some time, and until this moment I was convinced that my task was to complete the train. Now I am in a place I cannot fully understand, however the gunman makes one thing clear: The safe needs to be my focus. His eyes have not left the keypad.

If the contents of my safe have not changed, I know what is in there which can help me. I need to think. The others... I must know. One at a time.

First, the model. Yes she is gorgeous, tall, exotic. Her resemblance to Ashley is striking and that must be a part of the reason. Ashley helped me keep myself up, represented the most intimate and thrilling aspects of being physical together, and at such a young age carried within her an understanding that we are different, but the differences are why we connect. After parting with her, I felt that someone else could come along and accept me for who I am. Stacie? The opposite. She never wished to speak with me, but her younger sister was very sweet and kind toward me. Differences, again. The server always had a smile on his face and greeted others warmly. At that time I was depressed, disillusioned, and felt as if I would never be happy. His smile and warmth disarmed me often. My dad... Hmm. A person with whom my relationship went sideways at times, but ultimately turned out just fine. He spent the last three decades of his life caring for and protecting my mom after her health declined. Everything he did was to ensure her comfort and happiness. I share those traits, and such a thought relates to the man from the levee. He is there. I am beginning to understand a bit. And there is Kim. That pair of sad eyes pushes me to help but I do not know how. Protection? Is the man a threat? Perhaps. The gunman continues to point and now stares at me with intensity. A sound. The door opens...



Julia and DeAnn. She is still just a teen. Huh? Crying with arms extended in my direction. Julia has one long arm around the young girl’s shoulders and towers over her little body. Weeping. Julia with glassy eyes. I am feeling as if what I need to do is in the safe. Quiet, still, tense. Emotion so thick that it feels like a dream, as if I need to cut through it in order to approach my safe. I move in the direction of the keypad -- focused -- and my peripheral tells me he is following. Stop. Turn. Right next to me with an expression of anger. He liked her, likes her. DeAnn's sobbing strengthens as I turn and bend to the lock. Five beeps and one click. Lever thrown, door cracked. He is upon me, breathing heavily. I look to Julia again and she has one hand to her mouth with enormous eyes. The others are moving away. I reach in the safe and grab what I knew was there. Both hands inside to hide my actions. Box opened, one round free, speedloader unlocked. Round chambered. I stand.

Hushed voices. The bad man backs away slowly as the gunman holsters his firearm and moves to my side with eyes welded to the other man. My past flashes like a malfunctioning slide projector. Images of my trauma splayed on an operating table for all to see. People around me. Pain. Crying. Needles. Discussion. Out cold. I pull the hammer and slowly raise the revolver to point directly at his neck. He backs further until finding the windows. I step. A hand on my shoulder tells me the gunman is with me. His experience and confidence in me threatening the other man inspires me and clarifies that my actions are in the right. At long last I see the face of the boy who partially destroyed me with his expression changing from anger to fear. Hands raised as a surrender. No. Fuck no. I had no chance. He gets the same. Steel. Still.


The man’s neck comes apart violently from the hollow point and paints the glass red. He falls immediately, writhing, confused, haphazard. Seconds pass and his motion ceases. I feel a pain in my stomach just like in the past. Bent, vomiting, revolver out of my hand. I begin to cry as the drama of what I have done sets in. To the floor. Moments pass in the now-smoky car before I can open my eyes and compose myself enough to stand. Everyone is gone. Everyone and everything. I am alone in a clean, shiny passenger car with no furniture.


I exit the previously haunted scene, confused and shaking, and make my way back to the warm, waiting locomotive. Steps later, I turn and head to the caboose. I need rest and calm. My head is awash with everything. Did I just kill a man? Was it real? A lesson? God damn. Into the glowing caboose. Coat off and to the sofa.

Shaking hands hold my teary face as the realization sets in that Julia just forced me to face the past and destroy it. I need her.

Crying. Sleep."



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