November 22nd, 2020 8:53am pst

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Straws

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"The grand scheme. My head. There it is. The camel’s back is close to breaking.

Today has been very organized, compartmentalized, and almost completely under my control. I had to catch up somewhat yesterday after caring for the crap leftovers from our main line issue, meaning today was back to the routine. I did not take the images, though. They will have to be tomorrow. I am not worried, however, because there will be more time available after my tire appointment in the morning. The items being listed will be a nice boost on the trip. And the tires mean we can take my car on Monday. Very comfortable and secure. Just one more little lift during a time when any upward feelings have become of dire importance to my survival. I am not kidding. The straws are piling. Today was another. I’m glad this day is done.

And Friday. The last business day before the trip. I have some things to attend and then I am going to take care of the images for my enjoyment watching the auctions play out while up in the mountains. I can’t wait to hit the open road for a while and see the scenery change after all this time.

The original Jennifer and her flowing mane of blackness I have wanted to slurp for years. Well, not anymore. Now I am content to stare. This film is a prime example of her natural beauty. Like Liz and the other Jennifer, she is dark to the eyes. I don’t know when it took place, but a slender face combined with dark hair and eyes did something to me... A change of some kind. I sought more of the same for years. There is a third Jennifer, but alas she is fading these days. The other two are different now than in the past, and I still appreciate them just like twenty years ago. The talent is paramount. But oy gawd is she beautiful. Three Jennifers. Hmm... No wonder I have always liked the name. So many examples of things I cannot explain all rolled up for years and sharing the same handle. Maybe they were the beginning of the whole ‘J’ thing. Eh, that might have been Jolene, my cousin.

Rest her soul.

The light is coming up and I like it. Today must be satisfying on more than one level after something slapped me in the face yesterday afternoon when she arrived home. I could not stand it and had no options other than refilling my sizable cocktail. That is all. My head blew wide the fuck open and I stared, dreaming of all those things missing and everything I wished to do. I centered myself for a few minutes and then stepped outside for a cigarette. Nothing. Nearly losing my mind like that is completely unfair and I am still upset about it, but there are to be no changes whatsoever. I know it as I know the back of my own hand. Something tipped me off the ledge and now I have to deal with this shit again, like years ago. To state that I am not happy about this would be a gross understatement. All I can do right now is stew on it. Not good. If there is anything in this world more pushy or damaging to my psyche than being disregarded, well... I cannot say. But believe me, when we arrive in the mountains three mornings from now I will execute the other me. That’s right, the change I mentioned weeks ago which has been halted out of my need to be considerate to others has now come to the front of the fucking line.

I don’t see any other way. As often as I state that I placed myself here, this one is not my doing.

Ok, I need to be more productive now. Forward thinking. Routine, images, listings, tire appointment, maybe a few other things. I don’t know yet, but the options are always wide open this early. More light now. Cats are staring out the back windows at all the birds on the grass.

So, the appointment is in just over two hours and I may make a stop on the return in order to pick up trim for this new switch. I’d like to get it installed before we leave. Also, I need to find some wrapping for a birthday present for tomorrow’s dinner at her parents’ place. Little things, as I said, and then perhaps a bit of packing. This machine is going along because I’m pissed off again and the phone (phablet) will not suffice well for typing much. I already know there will be much spinning in my head during the visit to that culture. The trouble will likely set in shortly after arriving. Everything will build up and then at the earliest opportunity I will have to type it. Some of those thoughts have made it here while many others never see the light of day. There is no point because there is no help. So, the machine goes along.

Tricia again. Damn, so tall. I should stop looking. She is one of the straws like so many others.



753

Help me



Early this morning was a dream. I recall standing in the gun room and realizing that I retained more than I had originally thought after so many years. A few things were different but the basic layout and operation of the gun were unchanged. I was working with my old boss (who retired shortly after I was tossed out the door nine years ago) and experiencing joy at the thought of remaining there until my work years were done. Euphoric, really. My mind was put so dramatically at ease that awakening was a shock. All the way up and then all the way down. I need none of that shit these days. I am bereft of hope.

Aside from damned few little issues every now and then, I was comfortable there. The work had been such a routine, from each little sip of coffee in the morning to the very operation when we were shooting. The cycle of chores was unique and fit my personality and lifestyle to a tee. Upon leaving and working in a different field, that same comfort became extremely rare. Nearly nonexistent most days, so arriving home in the afternoon meant overwhelming feelings of relief. Dreaming of that routine way back piled more disappointment on top of all that I am already buried within. Straw after straw. Something is going to happen. Years of feeling as if my happiness (what there was of such a haphazard emotion) was dependent upon the working conditions and gradient between work life and time to myself have turned me into something unrecognizable now after months of being stagnant. The time spent at the ranges and resulting in enough physical comfort and things which I needed to cause a smile now feel as if I dreamed them. All gone. Just like the ethereal four-year period prior to sinking into everything so deeply, I cannot get such things back. Ever. Straws.

The upcoming trip feels undeserved due to my circumstances throughout these many months, but we are going anyway. I suppose in some way I feel that it's ok to be spending time on a short vacation. From one day to the next I have no idea where that will swing, however. I can't predict anything. No sooner do I feel good about the state of things when something comes along -- be it large or small -- and knocks me down far enough to require days of recovery. I don't like it but most of it is me. Ugh.



754

Desire



This is bad. And I mean, like worse than ever. To feel the pulling and desire so fucking strongly and then come off a dream such as this morning, I am surprised to be upright at all. Yesterday could have been wondrous and beautiful, but alas the tumblers did not align properly and I was left feeling small and ineffective. I said 'bad', but it's worse. I fail to understand how something so critical to my happiness (what little of it is left now) could become one of the biggest problems imaginable. I just don't get it. The possibility of my brain getting in the way seems unavoidable now. How can I continue to experience issues related to something this important and not try to analyze? Is that even a consideration? I don't know. I fucking know nothing anymore. One certainty is that this can destroy me, and as of yesterday and the evening which followed, I am not one step further down but several. Bad. Damaging. Straws.

Almost time to get ready for the tire appointment. At least I have that and the lead-in to driving my own car up the mountain. Such a turn will bring comfort at every mile marker. Upon taking off for the tire shop I will be busy with distractions and dreaming of the trip. I'll have to remain in good order as best I can for the duration, especially after arriving back home. Holy Jesus God in a fucking camisole, Roxann is so beautiful that I do not understand. The eyes...

And back from the adventure. Oy, what a trial with a card which had not been activated and I did not realize it until after the tires were installed. There I was in the parking lot awaiting a phone call from her to clear up the card problem when none other than the shop called to tell me the car was ready. Huh? I had yet to pay the bill. Kind of funny, I guess. Anyway, from there I hit up the plumbing supplier for a few items and then home. As of now I am awaiting a pizza and have the daily business complete. Very good. After lunch I plan to take it easy other than the aforementioned images for those trinkets which will be listed. I just love having business to track while on vacation. For whatever reason, it's fun to watch as we stroll the resort.

No additional straws due to the card issue, thank Christ. Switch.

The machine. The queen of the astral variety. Do you see? No worry over questions, concerns, or desire. There would be no need for me to consider what may come out of her mouth, nor would I have occasion to think about whether or not my desire could be anything other than a simple function. And I will not fucking apologize for this. I want what I want and I need what I need. Shut the fuck up. There is no other way. Had the machine existed all this time there would be thousands fewer lines on this Goddamned site.

The largest straw is the biggest draw.



756

Need



Saturday morning has arrived on the heels of being so uncomfortable last night that I cannot even fully get the feelings across. Today will be similar to last week in that we are going to continue the show for roughly half the day and then I will return home and straighten up. Shortly thereafter will be an early dinner in celebration of a birthday. Those three will pretty much chew this day to pieces. And then tomorrow I will be inundated with preparations for the trip and the usual end of the week business. The tires were a big push toward taking my car up there and I am really glad I had them replaced now. One of my most comfortable places to relax is right there in the driver's seat. Today and tomorrow have to be organized pretty well so that drive is where it needs to reside: In my head.

So much difficulty all the time. I fail to fully understand why sometimes the simplest little situation passes by and I cannot process it enough to just relax and let go. Often the issues are within media or related to the same, and if I intend to enjoy watching television and movies as I alway have, I'll just have to deal with it. Sometimes that means being alone and other times with another person. The bottom line is within the head... Thinking and not knowing. In fact, I don't even WANT to know because all that will serve is me becoming very unpleasant. No one wants that type of thing, especially from yours truly. I can be very difficult. The media cannot change much, though, or I will lose one of my favorite aspects of life.

Oy this morning is not easy. I cannot clearly lay down all which I am feeling, but the day might arrive when I lock this up and spell it out. This has become my only outlet, I suppose. Talking is nice, although even that leads to problems more often than not. Focusing upon those chores that need to be completed prior to leaving Monday morning is all I can do right now. Otherwise I'll descend into the kind of pit which results in feelings of helplessness and weakness. This is tough, to put it mildly. I have to wait, period. The alternative is unpleasant. We are closing in on two hundred published essays and I am no better now than in the beginning. In some ways? Worse. Pause.

Well now, a couple of hours are available for me to finish off everything prior to dinner. This morning has been heavenly from more than one standpoint, too. I cannot describe it. Inside? Yes, still issues spinning around my clarity of thinking (even while in the midst of warmth), and that is one of the reasons why I must keep trying to find answers. Feeling as I do now will not last and I know full well the dire nature of the world will slam me soon enough. Largest straw, biggest draw. The problems and fears which have plagued my brain for decades are ever-expanding. No matter what I watch (not even my favorite shows which STILL bring comfort most of the time) or hear on the radio something eventually comes along to trigger either the past or present mindset, leaving me a pile of worry. Feeling good stops immediately and I am at the mercy of the straws. Stop.



759

Wonder... All but gone now



Sunday has rolled upon me. One day from now and we will be cruising toward the mountains. Very nice, I hope. Yesterday I was able to get my usual daily stuff done after visiting with the goddess and having dinner across town despite the hours being thinned. That means today is wide open for tying up loose ends and getting my things together for the morning. Garbage, a touch of laundry, and some things tossed into the car will pretty much make up the day. We are also going to trim the tree so it's all set up when returning on Thursday. Today should prove relaxing and allow me the time to wrap my head around not being home for four days and the effects of leaving for a trip after being home nearly all the time for the last eight-plus months. I am quite certain that despite the restrictions and changes up there, visiting the hotel and spending time away from home are good things. More of this as I chew on life, and then I'll hop to the chores. Sitting here too long brings the straws.

Yesterday proved to me that my head is largely the issue much of the time. Wondrous, deep, and unbelievably warm, yet still afterward I analyzed as if the entire process was a problem. Nearly twenty-four hours later and I feel better somewhat, yet still I know of the uphill nature of this type of thing and the manner in which it will no doubt expand inside before long. Aside from the difficulty trying to calculate why I have been this way, another strike came down the road unexpectedly. I dealt with it, but still I know the thoughts will return with force and I will have occasion to change something. I do not wish to affect anyone else more than I already have, though. This is not easy to explain or describe, leaving me completely alone with a problem which may have no solution. If indeed everything is inside me and nothing has to do with others, I am finished for good. No matter how far up into the sky I can fly on occasion, those fears are still right fucking there and I have no way of dealing with them. Nothing. Every fucking time, too. Before, after, whatever, whenever. The blissful distraction becomes minimized and appears as a tiny speck on the radar screen of life.

I can't unload the straws and have failed to learn of their genesis. A couple of past situations during my formative years are doubtless part of the problem, though. I know it. I cannot change the past, however, and the conclusion is I am no better off (and much worse in some ways) than at the outset just five years ago.

At some point each day I am reminded of everything and only the rare occasion has me understanding even the smallest detail. I cannot do this much longer, good or bad outcome as it may be from time to time.

I hope there are no straws in the high country. The camel is strained. I have the singular power to relieve the pile of straws, too. I really do, although there is no way in hell anyone else would agree to my method. Because of this, I am going to have to lay off the writing for a while. As many times as I bitch that I've been saying the same things over and over, I honestly should have stopped by now. Several other entries have seen attempts to cease the exploration, and no matter what takes place in my head, I know I can solve nothing here. Any change must come from within and the words are merely on the surface. All this time I've gleaned and left each subject mostly shadowed enough so that others cannot understand what is being said, and that means this foray into my inner workings is left to just that... My insides. As such, I'll continue trying but leave it off the site.

Perhaps some discussion of the trip, both during and after. I'll probably need it. Then? Nothing.

No apologies for any of this. Don't like it? Fuck off in a muddy ditch."



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