May 17th, 2021 11:40am pdt

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Voodoo Sex God Regression

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"5-14.

I no longer know where to go anymore. The fears and feelings take over all too often and leave me weakened, frail, worried and with little drive. I must find something... Anything to help move me along. While I can admit that the anger often takes over and pushes me to avoid contact with others, I cannot simply lash out whenever the mood strikes. Such a practice is as unfair as my many differing behaviors when I feel threatened. Whatever direction is chosen, I must go it alone.

The recent concern over voodoo has me at sixes and sevens, thinking I have either thrown it away for all time or forfeited my chance of any sort of redemption. If such can be true, that is. Many years ago I began to embrace and explore, whereas in recent years I tended to reject any doctrine seemingly bent upon my being 'saved' from outside influence or myself. I recall some words from a friend of mine when I was literally cornered in our trailer during work: 'Stand for something or you'll fall for anything.' Well, the choice and definitions are not quite that simple. I am intelligent, which means if something came along to claim that I would benefit in ANY way, I pushed it away. I am too smart to think there are other paths out there -- some driven by legal tender -- which will accomplish what religion can. Just bullshit, sorry. And though I understand much, the faith is just not there. Not now, anyway. I cannot rely upon fleeting feelings which may or may not simply fade with time. Either it is real, or there is nothing at all. No voodoo right now. And don't fucking take offense with my wording, people. If you don't like it, build your own fucking site.

And speaking of voodoo, after some reading about the Temple of Set (something I researched many years ago but didn't embrace at all) I ran across what could possibly be the original text handed to the man in the very beginning. Interesting, but be warned that if you are a person of faith, the text may offend.

'The Equinox has succumbed to my Solstice, and I, Set, am revealed in my Majesty.

The time of the Purification is past.

The fate of my Gifted race rests in balance, and I shall not recant my Word, spoken to my High Priest MehenPetTha in old Khem and now again to you.

Proclaim the nineteen Parts of the Word, and vanquish thus the feeble and corrupt Keys of Enoch, which were but a shadow of my true Word and now are an affront to me.

I am the ageless Intelligence of this Universe. I created HarWer that I might define my Self. All other gods of all other times and nations have been created by men. This you know from the first Part of my Word, and from my manifest semblance, which alone is not of Earth.

Known as the Hebrew Satan, I chose to bring forth a Magus, according to the fashion of my Word. He was charged to form a Church of Satan, that I might easily touch the minds of men in this image they had cast for me.

In the fifth year of the Church of Satan, I gave to this Magus my Diabolicon, that he might know the truth of my ancient Gift to mankind, clothed though it might be in the myths of the Hebrews. Even you, who delivered the Diabolicon from Asia, did not know it for what it was. But he that I had fashioned a Magus knew, and he thought often of the Diabolicon as he guided the Church of Satan.

Upon the ninth Solstice, therefore, I destroyed my pact with Anton Szandor LaVey, and I raised him to the Will of a Daimon, unbounded by the material dimensions. And so I thought to honor him beyond other men. But it may have been this act of mine that ordained his fall.

Were I my Self to displace the Cosmic Inertia, I should be forced to become a new measure of consistency. I would cease to be One, for I should become All.

To make of man a Daimon, then, may be to break his Self-reference to the bounds in which his semblance must exist.

I cannot undo the hurt that has come of this, but I shall restore to Anton Szandor LaVey his human aspect and his degree of Magus in my Order. Thus all may understand that he is dearly held by me, and that the end of the Church of Satan is not a thing of shame to him. But a new Aeon is now to begin, and the work of Anton Szandor LaVey is done. Let him be at ease, for no other man has ever seen with his eyes.

In April of the common year 1904, I came forth in Africa as my Opposite Self and brought into being an Aeon to end the horrors of the stasis of the death-gods of men. This new Aeon was a Purification, to prepare men for that which would follow it.

And Aleister Crowley received the Book of the Law, and my Opposite Self declared him Magus of the Aeon.

But HarWer, my Opposite Self, is a strange and fitful presence. I, Set, am my Self distinct from the Order of the Cosmos, yet am ordered in and of my Self. HarWer I was when I was once part of the Cosmos and could achieve identity only by becoming what the Cosmic order was not. By HarWer I cancelled the imbalance, leaving a Void in which true creation could take form as Set.

But, as I have said, I cannot destroy the Cosmic inertia without having to assume its place. And so HarWer must exist while Set exists.

The Aeon of HarWer endured until the Equinox of the common year 1966, when HarWer and Set were fused in one composite being. And so commenced the time of Set-HarWer – known as the Age of Satan -- which was to bridge the expiring Aeon of HarWer and the forthcoming Aeon of Set.

Truth there was in the words of my Opposite Self, but a truth ever tinged with the inconsistency and irrationality of which I have spoken. And so the Book of the Law was confusion to all who came upon it, and the creative brilliance of the Magus Aleister Crowley was ever flawed by mindless destructiveness. He himself could never understand this, for he perceived HarWer as a unified Self. And so he was perplexed by a mystery he could not identify.

And I, Set, spoke too in the Book of the Law – "Aye! listen to the numbers and the words -– what meaneth this, o prophet? Thou knowest not, nor shalt thou know ever. There cometh one to follow thee: he shall expound it."

And many of the Aeon of HarWer sought to read this but could not. Nor could the Magus himself, though he guessed rightly at its simplicity. It was said that every number is infinite -– hence each number or sum of joined numbers became merely the corresponding letter.

Even so the sequence remained unknown -- and so, after its issue, to me as well. For, while I may pass free of the boundaries of time, memory of the future cannot exist.

Now it has come to pass, and the Book of the Law is laid bare – "Destined First Century heir – Aquino – breaking Keys by doctrines Anton LaVey – great Magus of reconsecration coming Year Xeper – founding his rightful Priesthood – Set – true origin Volume AL." Michael Aquino, you are become Magus V of the Aeon of Set.

I, Set, am come again to my friends among mankind – Let my great nobles be brought to me.

In Khem I remain no longer, for I am forgotten there, and my house at PaMat-et is dust. I shall roam this world, and I shall come to those who seek me.

Magus of my Aeon – Manifest the Will of Set.

Reconsecrate my Temple and my Order in the true name of Set. No longer will I accept the bastard title of a Hebrew fiend.

When I first came to this world, I gave to you my great pentagram, timeless measure of beauty through proportion. And it was shown inverse, that creation and change be exalted above rest and preservation.

With the years my pentagram was corrupted, yet time has not the power to destroy it. Its position was restored by the Church of Satan, but its essence was dimmed with a Moorish name, and the perverse letters of the Hebrews, and the goat of decadent Khar. During the Age of Satan I allowed this curious corruption, for it was meant to do me honor as I was then perceived.

But this is now my Aeon, and my pentagram is again to be pure in its splendor. Cast aside the corruptions, that the pentagram of Set may shine forth. Let all who seek me be never without it, openly and with pride, for by it I shall know them.

Let the one who aspires to my knowledge be called by the name Setian.

I seek my Elect and none other, for mankind now hastens toward an annihilation which none but the Elect may hope to avoid. And alone I cannot preserve my Elect, but I would teach them and strengthen their Will against the coming peril, that they and their blood may endure. To do this I must give further of my own Essence to my Elect, and, should they fail, the Majesty of Set shall fade and be ended.

Behold, it is I who call you, because you are the Guardians of the Aeon of Set, zealous in what you do.

The Satanist thought to approach Satan through ritual. Now let the Setian shun all recitation, for the text of another is an affront to the Self. Speak rather to me as a friend, gently and without fear, and I shall hear as a friend. Do not bend your knee nor drop your eye, for such things were not done in my house at PaMat-et. But speak to me at night, for the sky then becomes an entrance and not a barrier. And those who call me the Prince of Darkness do me no dishonor.

The Setian need conjure neither curse nor kindness from me, for by the magic of my great pentagram I shall see with his eyes. And then the strength that is mine shall be the strength of the Setian, and against the Will of Set no creature of the Universe may stand. And I think not of those who think not of me.

The years of the Aeon of HarWer were confused, and I do not wish to think of them save as curiosities. But I wish to remember the Church of Satan and the Magus of that Age. Therefore let the years of my Aeon be counted from the conception of the Church of Satan.

And now, having looked upon the past with affection and reverence, we shall turn our gaze to the times before us. Think carefully of the Word of Set, for it is given in witness to my Bond.

Behold, O West, I have established my Aeon. I punish the enemies who are in it, placed in the Place of Destruction. I deliver them to the examiners from whose guard there is no escape. Lo, I pass near to thee, I pass near to thee.

Affix now my image as it was given to you, so that all who read of these matters may now look upon the likeness of Set:



set


The Word of the Aeon of Set is:

Xeper - Become.'

I never put any stock into such an endeavor because unless my eyes see it or my heart feels it, I do not believe in much at all. Realism and fatalism are twin tenets of my being, honestly. And I will not disrespect or ridicule others for anything different. That is not fair. I found the idea of something to follow very interesting, but alas nothing in my life can last very long at all. When I initially researched the organization, my life was fairly stable, yet I was searching for something which might set me apart from the mass of sheep. Organized religion has many opposites, but in the end I decided that it was just another example of a group mindset following the same path toward whatever. The idea seemed intriguing for a while. So, the text is here because it is something different, that's it.

The entire subject of whatever may be floating within, without or beyond what we can see physically is large enough to reach past that which I can state here. In other words, I have not the ability to substantially comment upon the voodoo. I brought it here because lately I am flailing so badly that anything can be a reach. I just don't know what to do anymore, so options have been illuminated. That is that. No more.

I have the house to myself until early evening and some of my stuff is finished already. Stop.

11am.

The routine is finished, although I paused several times to jot down thoughts about this subject.

Sometimes I see exiting a reckless lifestyle in the name of a deity as suppressing the desires, like Pastor Bob who had been addicted to 'cocaine and strippers' and went through a tragedy. He 'found the Lord' as a result. Suppression? I honestly don't know, but I do not understand how such strong desire can be turned off or eliminated through some type of 'belief'. I could be looking at the subject in a way which disallows any belief, however. My understanding is limited. If the power truly does away with the types of desires which can be harmful, I may never know. Pastor Bob is fictional, of course, yet the power of what he believed cannot be denied in reality or otherwise. He prayed during the tragedy and found something which provided both direction and hope. I do not understand at this point in life, however. Maybe we should go back in time a ways and see what took place before I was slammed with the worst discovery and change imaginable.

I was Catholic long ago, and then my parents brought us to a Presbyterian church for a few years, and then I moved on in life -- away from family and on my own -- and there seemed no reason to attend church. And now? Due to the heritage research I seem to be affiliated with precisely nothing. Everything was bullshit. What the fuck is that? What was my nationality back then? Doesn't matter anymore. Could I have been 'saved' before learning of the truth? Is my path to the darkness preordained, or are there still possibilities? I recall sitting at a fuel depot at Camp Pendleton awaiting my truck to be filled. Back then, the driver did not perform the fueling. We were directed to a waiting area very far from the pumps for safety. I walked across to the retaining wall labeled 'safety waiting area' for drivers and sat. The process took time, even when there were few vehicles present. Within moments, another driver nearby approached me and asked if I had found Christ. Well, I was nothing more than a wiseass back then -- young and full of jokes all the time -- and responded that I did not know I was supposed to be looking for anything. He replied in typical dogmatic form of the benefits and pitfalls, after which I lit a cigarette and ignored whatever else he attempted to say. From that point forward, nothing a person had to express meant anything to me. My life was driven by pleasure and recklessness. No one could do anything about it, either. I was trying to enjoy whatever I could.

I did not think about his words until many years later in that trailer when I was literally attacked for having a lack of direction. My two coworkers were Christians and would not let up until I really raised my voice. Some time later I relayed the situation to our personnel representative (there was no 'HR' back then) and they were reprimanded for bringing religion into the workplace. But the die was cast... I recalled the fueling station and its inherent meaning. Let's go further back, to childhood.

To me, Christmas meant toys, candy, time off from school and a couple of big family dinners. I suppose that type of mindset is common for young people with open-minded parents. Years went by before I had any conception of the name 'Christ' within the name of the holiday. And by that point? I had no idea of any religion due to being mired in the trials of life. Money, bills, and the like. I did not consider anything beyond where I was. All I could focus upon was the next few days. Long future meant nothing because it was too far away and I had not the ability to plan my way out of a wet paper bag. Adults seemed older than dirt. Little did I know that I would be at their age soon enough.

This is issue five, and one through four now appear minimized to a point. I'm certain two will pop up and stab me like crazy in a little while, but for right now five is paramount to peril.

What does all this religious exploration mean? I have no idea. It came to mind due to my feeling that there is no way out of anything. Reaching, honestly. I am fucking reaching outward to anything which seems like a solution. Could it be? I'll probably never know.

'If some aspect of art does not move you to tears, you are not seeing beyond yourself.' -- Me.

Losing my heritage is an everyday jab these days. I watch the food network every fucking day and become buried within cultures, mostly the one of which I thought I was a part. Something special, really. Having that stripped away and the fact that there is literally no outlet nor person with which I can speak about the differences, lies and upbringing means I basically just lost everything. Another facet of life I must deal with sans any solution. The religious aspect was never terribly strong or structured, meaning I never was instructed to embrace everything like other Catholics. Maybe just behind that was the reasoning and truth. I will never know. Only suspicions and guesses now. And the whole shit situation may have birthed my reaching. Back when I was young I knew very little of anything. I am in a better position now to decide what is real or not, yet still I cannot find anything. The last direction I want to choose is anything false. Lying to myself will not solve shit. I guess I just have to think.

Still half the day ahead of me and I have not stepped out for anything except a visit to the market. That did not take long. Very nice. Plus, lunch is as finished as my hopes. I am regressing further into a void and standing as nothing more than a small fraction of my former self. The more I see on television and out in the world, the more I feel I am shrinking. Yes, I compare myself to others. Tell me you do not do the same and you are lying.

Tomorrow is Jamie's birthday. Just a thought. She's on the television right now because I am pathetic most of the time.



scarab


Anyway, the entire affair of religion is something to be treaded lightly due to being so controversial. I can't come here to this space and spout disrespectfully about any religion. That is not right. Just because my beliefs seem to be floating in space does not give me the right to take issue with those of another person. I relayed that story from the fueling station to illustrate how far back such a question was posed to me. If the future shows me that I need to seek something up in the sky, so be it. If not? I'll be right where I am at this moment. Soon I will have a visitor so this will be put aside until such time that I realize inspiration.

5-15. Happy Birthday Jamie.

'A few odd glances; a few drinks.'

'ANTHONY!! WHAT DID I FUCKIN' TELL YOU?!!'

Ahh... Yesterday. A couple of episodes and that's about it. I didn't really lift a finger in any direction all day. The routine and nothing more. I was not feeling anything good, so I took it easy and decided that sometimes I can relax. A ton of work need not be completed every day just because I am here. Like today, for example. I am going to install a light fixture and work on a second, but not here. My stuff will be left alone likely until Monday because I need a break. Back to the subject of hope and faith... Right?

The time may come when I become desperate enough to reach, although I don't believe that is a good time to ask for help. Some say the situation is not important, only that a person genuinely opens his or herself to the possibilities. If and when I am so distraught as to ask for divine intervention, my head may not be as clear as it is at present, but again I do not know for sure. None of this is set in stone. I am reminded of living in Michigan when I was vacillating about different courses and majors for college, and one of my ideas had been psychology. My partner at the time told me I might not be a good fit for such a discipline due to being such a technically-minded individual. She spoke of vagueness, flexibility, and the idea that there are few certainties within that type of work. Me? Probably not suited. That runs along the lines of religion, with the largest rub being faith in something likely unseen and probably unheard. That is a toughie for me. Right there is the most likely reason this entire line of thinking may never come to pass. I would have to believe... Period. Belief. For a person who needs proof for damned-near anything in the world, the leap required to find that faith may be too great. I just don't know. Desperation? Maybe. But as I said, not a good idea. False faith is worse than none at all.

Eh... Today. The light fixture, perhaps some lunch, more of the show which is causing me to turn inward, and then I'll come home and work around the house for an hour or so, and then nothing. What else do I have these days? Always something to do, rarely the drive to do it. Still going downhill. You are watching it happen. The voodoo came up because aside from therapy I have either shoved away or exhausted all other options for dealing with my insides. Either would likely be railroaded, too. A few questions and the others will look upon me as a problem, but one without a solution. Just last night I expressed the idea that one of the worst things in the world is for me to feel unimportant. A few words into the conversation and she told me I was going to throw back anything she said. Wow. I cannot disagree, harsh as such a statement may be. The situation does have me thinking, though. This morning I am seeing more of the difficulty others have in dealing with a person such as myself. It cannot be easy. The voodoo may or may not be an answer to anything, or it could simply create more questions. One certainty is that most aspects of my personality would remain unchanged in the glow of whatever is out there (up there?). Maybe it could balance things. Many others who embrace such paths seem to be quite level-headed and easy going in comparison to my tightness. The change may help. Last night's conversation is a good example and does not make me feel good. At least I know what happened and can try to express myself differently in the future. With or without some sort of higher power, as well. I should have control over my brain when it comes to people's discussions.

Maybe. I don't know. If the next several years pass as the last decade, nothing good or positive will take place anyway, so perhaps any tree should live without barking.

5-16.

I wonder if Jamie's birthday was nice.

Ouch did I ever gush a bunch of shit yesterday. And then I stood on the scale. And then I really dropped off the cliff. That lasted quite a while, I received some guff about having faith in another person, and then I finally began to rise and recover. That was one of the longest periods of turmoil in recent memory. I saw a few things flash which I could have made happen, too. Had I continued in that same direction just a little while longer, the entire afternoon would have been ruined. The recovery was just in time. Later, however, I felt another sting from recent news about the bar and began to fall down all over again. I gushed a few choice words and then went to bed. No more of that. I even went so far as to pull the entire site just in case there are people closer than I would prefer coming here and reading. God knows when I can organize everything enough to put it all back into production. The feelings which drove me to spill some shit ended up making me even more paranoid about other people, believe it or not. Now I REALLY need to remain out of sight.

I sure could use some faith in something other than negative feelings. They hold the power right now, as well as the cards. Me feeling negative toward people is not good.

The upside to yesterday was a very nice brunch and some stuff in the garage. I finally dug into the area beneath my work bench and moved the small cabinet across to the new post. It fits better there and allows me to further modify the area to my liking. Once I get my hands on more lumber, the project can continue. Otherwise it will wait. I also went behind that cabinet and grabbed the years-old police light bar because in my day's travels the idea to disassemble the thing popped into my head. It was something to do, anyway. I worked with it for over an hour and basically separated all of the different components to evaluate anything useful. The entire assembly is modular, meaning I can lighten the whole thing, reattach a few lamps and lenses, and then have quite the conversation piece out there. New bulbs of the LED variety are very cheap, so I ordered ten of them to replace the older bulbs. Once completed, the whole bar will be much better looking and light on command. I will toss the rest of the parts as I go through them. The best part of working with that bar is my old speakers were stored underneath. Now I have access to them for whatever seems best. I haven't dug into the space under my bench since early last year when the gentleman asked about storing his motorcycle in our garage. Now? Things are looking much better.

Exposing my inner self turned out to be a huge mistake, but at least I learned a huge lesson. Beforehand, I did not know of the outcome or how anyone might react to my fear. Well, those questions have been answered and immediately taught me to clam up for the rest of my life. Lesson? Don't talk to anyone, anytime. Ever. Combine that conclusion with my realization last night that I have been shoved aside like so much trash and the sum is yet another lesson. So, here I am in this fucking house... Permanently. No work, no outside contact with people until I actually need something, and no more reaching in any direction toward anything which may appear a positive. I already know they no longer exist, so my vision is eased a bit now. Yes, all this being shut the hell down due to one afternoon of conversation. The good thing is that I tested the waters and now I know of the results. Successful mission, albeit very tough on my head.



the other side of life


'ANTHONY!! WHAT DID I FUCKIN' TELL YOU?!!'

The bald guy will never be out.

I still cannot fully reach toward something up there in the sky, nor can I trust myself to be honest about my feelings anyway. The problems I have caused combined with those of other people are too much for me to feel there is a force up/out there that can either take it all away or help me come to terms with everything. I just don't see it, and any doubt whatsoever means I cannot go in such a direction without lying my ass off. That is not good. False faith and all that shit, remember? The voodoo must either wait for me or I have to think of another option. Considering all that has pressed me down lately, I am not surprised to be failing to make a choice right now.

Eh... Today. The usual Sunday stuff and maybe a little more of the project. Since this is garbage day, I should be able to get rid of many parts I don't need. The parts I keep will have to be cleaned a bit before I can begin the process of making a nice lighting system. We will be watching the show today for a little while and having lunch, meaning I'll have to get some of my routine out of the way before then. No problem. After the conversation last night regarding those whom have left me by the wayside, I feel even more strongly about being in this house and away from everyone. Less desire to leave means more time here to take care of my business. So far this morning I have not done anything except slurp the coffee and expound upon all the shit yesterday. That was huge, so part of my Sunday will be spent in consideration of how I must behave around others. My realization that the lesson was important enough to take some heat is helping maintain a positive stance.

One certainty? God help anyone who wishes to contact me from the outside. Not a good idea, people. Leave me the fuck alone.

Another focus is to keep the spiritual consideration at the forefront so the idea can be fully explored. I'll be thinking of aspects I have not embraced in many years just to ensure I am not being unfair to the whole of religion or those who follow. That would be bad. Just because I have an opinion or idea does not mean I know every fucking thing. I need to learn and think, so all of it will be right behind my eyes this day.

You're likely wondering about the image above. Well, that is about as far from religion as one can get aside from embracing the true black. Do you see the girls? Do you see that what they are doing is open-minded? Is it dirty? Wrong? Of course not, but their image would not be appropriate in many places. There is very little of real life in the image, right? Very colorful, skin smoothness and tone, maybe some adjustments to the video in postproduction or whatever else might sell the content. But reality? No, not really. Would you like to know of the reality and the reasoning behind such a provocative image? The woman on the right committed suicide not many years after what you see playing out in the image. Yes, that's right. Lots of difficulty in her life. So, could anything have gone differently for her had she embraced some power from above (or wherever)? Maybe, and maybe not. When I have seen images of that woman's face, my reaction was one of appreciation because she had been quite the beauty. After learning of what went on in her personal life at age twenty-three and her desperation, I began to look at the voodoo in a very different light.

Add to that an episode from the other day in which a man did not seem to be grieving for his deceased wife due to having faith that she was up there awaiting his arrival, whenever it was to take place. Where is the woman in the above image right now? Up there with the others? Or did her lifestyle and career preclude being 'saved'? Did she end up somewhere bad? Hot, perhaps? No answers. Just an example of two disparate situations I am trying to understand. And if you don't like the image... Well, you know what I'll say. Go away.

That is all I will say about her, but at least you are aware of the genesis.

Almost time to get up and care for some chores.

Regression, back to a time when things were still possible and the world seemed wide open. I can't help it because I do not feel like continuing with things the way they are developing and both dreams are impossible. In fact, I watched a touch of the fourth show yesterday and the feeling of being there became overwhelming to the point of forcing me to switch programs. The dream gets pretty bad sometimes, although I will not cease watching my friends and 'family' no matter the trials. I need them up there... The wonder, familiarity, comfort and despite my occasional difficulty with something on the screen, those series' are about as good as media can be for someone like myself. Nothing will change. At least, not in the short term. The fact that I continue to go backwards in the face of the clock moving along forward means even the tiniest measures of enjoyment have to carry on. I am going to travel to the past as often as is necessary to maintain sanity. Regression, period. Here to stay.

'ANTHONY!! WHAT DID I FUCKIN' TELL YOU?!!'

I wish I had that kind of strength. Relegated to being just me.

Many parts of life have had the ability to push me toward religion and whatever goes along with it. There have been times when I was all the way down yet still did not head in such a direction. I know not why, although my personality is of a type in which most times I calculate that no help is necessary, even when I am halfway into the ground. I just figured I could deal with anything. Well, I'm still here, so something worked. The idea of comfort drives nearly all of my actions, with the balance ruled by fear. And that brings one question that came up in the past whenever I considered pointing the radar toward a higher power, and that is this: Would fully and genuinely embracing faith help to dissipate fear? No one has the answer. I've asked, but always the response was the same... A circle. Not vicious, but a circle nonetheless. From the idea of faith to the actions driven by faith and then relying upon faith to assist in the difficulties inherent in life. Is that an answer? Or is it merely the plan as another person can see it? If they indeed have faith that things will be ok no matter what comes along, their words and thoughts are going to come from the same place. They will not be able to fully put themselves in my shoes and know what may happen, and I understand that. But I need to know... The fucking fear. A lack of information in that direction means my analytical mind cannot allow me to proceed toward anything without some details, and that in turn means religion may not be the kind of path I need. Wow, that's a fucking mouthful, eh? This is so ridiculous sometimes. At least I realize it, though. I am not stupid, nor can I expect someone or something to have all the answers. That is unrealistic.

'ANTHONY!! WHAT DID I FUCKIN' TELL YOU?!!'

I may have to be done with this for now. Above I mentioned a circle, and I do not wish to end up creating one myself. Too often have I railroaded the same ideas.



the question of everything


5-17.

Another odd morning in which I feel that my sleep schedule is getting goofy. I'll have to put my mind to things, lest I become a night-owl. I don't like this.

Movies yesterday (always my choice) and some conversation. More movie time, though. I left all that other shit put away for the day in order to relax and ensure everyone enjoyed the films. For the most part things went just fine. Two movies, some nice discussion of the same, and a little history about our shared experiences with family and such. After that, the evening moved along. This morning is very quiet. One of the early days with lots of time ahead. The usual routine, plus an idea of how to stretch the models to get more time with them. I am going to care for some business and then sit down and disassemble the smaller model by going through the manual backwards. It might be as enjoyable as building. After the last car was completed, I began to miss the process, so I have to do something.

Everything was still in the back of my head, believe it or not. Well, believe it. Nothing goes away, although with some time to think I did come up with options. The most enticing is to leave other people out of my head for the remainder of time. Second is to continue attempting to explain what goes on inside and see what may develop. If I indeed shut everything off, I'll have to create ways to go about my business so the difficulties do not take over at some point each day. Short of those two possibilities, status quo.

Today could not have come at a better time, and by saying that I mean the quiet and space are more welcome this morning than any day in recent memory. I have things to do around the house and some plans to formulate, all the while with my dream in the background (or possibly the gangsters). I'm going to put the religion on a shelf for the time being, too. I've covered enough for now. Nothing appears as a clear option, anyway, so the effort can cool until such time as I need more... Or a different perspective. This day is going to be rewarding to a certain point. I need the time for working through whatever paths seem best, the crap in the garage must be thinned more, and I have to get the watch listed so I can have something coming in right now. Maybe another listing in a few days, too. In and around the larger issues I can do my housework.

11:17am.

Routine finished, bathroom clean (mostly), laundry rolling, and I don't know what to do. This feeling may last all afternoon or it may subside if I find something interesting. The television is on like always, with the gangsters up there keeping me company through their way of life. Cocktail to my right. Consuming alcohol before noon can go well or very badly. Time will tell. Right now I don't give a shit.

I can't find the motivation to further work on my project, although I did research bulbs to replace the original incandescent crap in each fixture. The whole thing will take time. Right now I don't feel it, though. I did some dusting with the intention of disassembling the Porsche model so she can build it. I constructed the whole thing myself after we pretty much shared the first three models. If I piece it, she can enjoy building the car. At present I do not have the resources to acquire the last of the big cars, so for the time being the one will have to suffice. Those are expensive.

Everything still bothers me. The voodoo may be an answer, or at least something to further explore, but right now I don't feel it any more than I feel the work. I just can't do anything at this point. Thinking about my missteps and pitfalls throughout the past week is monopolizing my time. I cannot let them go despite some discussion from a very supportive and understanding source. This is going to worsen by quite a degree before there is any (IF any) relief. The problems are apparently much larger in my mind than in reality, yet still I cannot use that knowledge to my advantage. In fact, I have no fucking advantage at all. I am at a loss like every other day. The words came forth and I effectively formed myself into a basket case. Paranoid, insecure, and several other words I will refrain for the time being. I'm so tired of this and never should have uttered one fucking syllable. Twice within a week is unacceptable. Loss. I cannot shove the words back inside nor can I go back in time and change my decision. The entire shitaree was born of weakness, and instead of relying upon the possibility of help or feeling better and less fearful due to sharing, I am much worse off. Now I have the original fucking problems combined with much embarrassment. Moreover, the fear has split in half. Rather than the fear which nearly took over before the fact, I now carry another due to someone knowing of what was going on in the first place. Now what? Back in time? No science fiction will help. And the dream world will probably expand and force me further inward. There is not one single fucking positive to opening my maw and letting the stupid shit fly off my tongue. I have to fucking live with it. Too bad the regression has nothing to do with real time.

Will reaching upward help? Or will it turn into nothing more than lying to myself and others? I have no issue whatsoever lying to people, but toward myself? Not good. The voodoo will always be there, right behind me and awaiting some sort of move. I just don't know if my brain will allow me to feel better... EVER.

There is little chance of me living through this period when my favorite and safest shows demonstrate so much weakness. They are too powerful, and don't you dare give me a blast of shit over the idea that I am giving them the fucking power, either. I will not hear it. My past has fashioned me into this. Period. Not the shows, but me. They run along their course and I see everything. Each occasion is cumulative. And I do not have many other options. Lately everything I see up there on the television reminds me of something either hurtful or threatening, and all of it adds up to my reaching for any relief. I just don't fucking know what to do anymore. I cannot continue like this, I do not see the advantage of speaking with anyone further because the exposure pushes me away from everyone, and the subject above still feels supernatural at best. I mean, if I try to steer myself into spiritual territory, there must be faith present or the entire works will be shot to shit.

Do you have the answer?"



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