November 11th, 2020 7:35am pst

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Fear

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"As of this morning, the trip to the high country feels like an escape of sorts. I kind of need to be there for validation of my feelings toward the culture and all it has done to me. There will be much analysis. Bringing this machine along will be good. I rarely have in the past due to the weight, but having resources available during our stay may prove fruitful. The interface helps me to organize thinking. Those quiet mornings spent staring out the huge windows bring solace, just as they have for decades. Two weeks and two days until the highway.

Ugh... Yesterday again. It's nagging at me because not much time has passed yet and I am having trouble putting the event aside and moving forward. Just ugh. The weakness does not fill me with pride. I need to turn the clock back and live the day again so my head can be repaired. This is going to affect me for some hours, like always. Monday last may have been the catalyst for my worry, too. And then Thursday. And then Thursday night. Something is going on and I feel helpless to fix it. As for yesterday, my subconscious may have driven the situation for validating my concern. I don't know for sure, but it makes sense today. One other possibility is there is nothing at all going wrong and I am simply overthinking. I hope, anyway.

Fear drives everything.

Movie morning. I'll have to remain quiet so as to avoid messing up the time. I have no wish to make anyone else uncomfortable.

Sunday. Machinery on the brain. No dreams this time, only memories of all I've written on the crazy idea. Yesterday demonstrated that there are parts of living which have become dire to me yet over which I have little to no control. Like, damned little. Circumstances and the condition of my head dictate everything, from the simplicity of a cup of coffee to the wondrous, velvety smooth tenderness which floats into my head every few days. I need to keep in mind that such loveliness may not be there ever again, so each occasion must be cherished. This morning there are no worries whatsoever because I have much more pressing matters to attend. No pulling, no nothing. I am full of thought instead. Sunday business is only the beginning.

Machinery pays no mind. None. Still worried, still fearful.



345



Like last week, there are items which need to go away. This morning I intend to head out and make them disappear. I have to draw a line and choose one side or the other on which to remain. It really doesn't matter these days. I can turn into a lump or I can rise up and do more than I have in the past, but honestly there is little difference. Maybe between today and tomorrow I can get enough of a push to learn just where the line will land. Those items are heading out either way. For some reason it all seems easy. I am hopeful but know not why. I suppose one of those small situations over which I still hold control is the simplicity of the fucking garbage. Splendid.

Machinery. Androids. Gynoids. Robots. Necessary? Or a person with actual feelings? Which? Tell me.

That's right... Still dreaming and still questioning.

The morning is moving along and the house remains quiet for the time being. I don't know how much I will tear into stuff later, but it could be quite a bit. Oy... Now I'm getting that 'what do I do now?' feeling which is not good at all. I went out into the garage to package one of the items which sold yesterday, printed the shipping label so it is ready to send tomorrow, and out of nowhere the worry hit me. I began to look around this little house and immediately became concerned over all I have built, modified or added here. Smart bulbs, surround sound, the temperature monitoring equipment, and little tidbits here and there which serve no real purpose other than satisfying my need to smile for a time. All of it seems ridiculous now and I don't know why. I hope this feeling passes soon, though. More negativity is not something I want right now. There is already enough on my shoulders on a daily basis. The quiet might be lending to the worry, as well. Time seems to have stopped.

I have to do something, but what?

No home team football game today. That was played Thursday last. I am supposed to head over to her house for the other game, though. Several hours away, that visit. In the meantime I must make revolutions for the morning garbage pickup. Last week I did a good job of having nearly everything in order before game time. Maybe I can do the same today. More than once throughout the last few weeks I have felt like I hit a wall of some kind and decided to really make changes, but as of yet all I've been able to accomplish is a short period of work leading to losing track. None of this feels very good. I used to be motivated, vital, alive, and now I am nearly stagnant much of the time. I don't know if it is leaving my job months ago or something else, but the bottom line is I cannot just sit here and feel good about myself. I have to earn the relaxation. Baby steps? Little things one after the other? Perhaps. I will try. Pause and a report soon.

Monday. I took care of everything yesterday in good time and very efficiently to prepare for a little car repair and lunch out. Overall it was pretty nice. Nearly no issues at all for hours. A bit of worry later in the evening but nothing insane.

I am the same this morning, thank the maker. Surprising, this calm. Although I am going to need to remain on my toes as the cold outside may bite a little. Wow, in the space of three days the mercury has dropped and the sun is haphazard. This morning I spied less than forty outside on the big clock and frost everywhere. This is the time of year when maintaining comfort inside the house is very important. More little steps, I guess. There are not many ways for me to keep the cold from creeping in right now, though. Perhaps some little gaps I can fill here and there, but the larger projects must wait. I will do what I am able in the short term. Insulating the attic and crawlspace would be huge but also very costly. Ugh.



337



Today was a lesson in the gradient between my issues and the hope of identifying and fully connecting with other people. I fell down again after words and a reaction to a fictional situation which I have known for years. I realize my familiarity with the story and events can create a neutral boundary, but this time I felt it deeply, as if experiencing everything for the first time. This is not good. Hours later I am still hurt after all of the related conversations throughout months. Just the type of catalyst necessary for my self-preservation to kick others right in the head. And I am going to do precisely that. Push. Grate. Liquefy. After all this time, the idea of being understood and embraced should have left me informed. Nope, not even close. I am but one individual against the tide of millions. It's high time I expressed myself as such. And while the truth is no one has the power to actually make any sort of real difference, I have little other choice than to try. The drop relates closely to something about which I am touchy. I can't get away. Fear of a different type.

Maybe I can go back to burying myself in a fantasy world like the movie up there on the television. That's right... The Hallmark holiday movies in which the tension adds up to very little and there is always a happy ending. Yes, I know they tend to be unrealistic and idyllic, but tons of decor and good wishes sprinkled here and there make for a comfortable experience. Inside? I see the past and the machine. Don't ask. But to place myself inside something so warm and sensitive feels more comfortable than real life where I keep running into the same fucking problems again and again, coupled with other people who don't seem to even attempt to understand or identify with what I say. The fantasy world would hold none of that. Of course, I may have gone off the deep end in recent months, especially regarding the past, but honestly I do not believe I am that difficult with which to deal from day to day. I could be wrong. The worst thought for me to hold close is that I am always right. That is unwise. The television (vision) holds no problems whatsoever other than Autumn and her big, brown eyes. Oops... Not supposed to get into that stuff. I am most definitely wrong on occasion just like anyone else. I have to hold that close.

Or maybe I should just let go and say everything.

Yesterday was pretty bad, and just a tiny moment set everything in my head aslant. That's how it happens... One little reference sends my mind flying and then I turn away from everything and think too much. Just a few seconds and all the shit floods me. Well, it happened again and I cannot seem to maintain perspective now. Even the big eyes don't help. Ugh. Today will have to be pretty fucking productive, lest I remain as I am this morning. Not good. The crap of it is the fact that my idea was the catalyst. I knew full well of the moment and when it would come by but did it anyway. I had hoped for some understanding rather than a punch line. There it is! Society again. How many times has this taken place? Fuck me, anyway.

I have to push this aside and try to rise for the day. I have tons of options, the hour is early, and my chores await. As always, I need the time to be 'up' so my evening feels worth it. Right now I have to put the other show back on because Autumn's shoulders are going to cause issues. Damn. Bye, sweetheart.

Visions on my show. Splendid. Whatever.

Less than two weeks until the trip. I don't know whether to be excited or worried. Not the state of things or the pandemic, just my head. The freedom from routine seems nice after all these months, though. Maybe bringing the machine up there and perhaps my sketch pad will help. I don't know. The very look of those places can be quite sex-driven and I am used to it, but the situation is such that I can't just enjoy seeing everything and feeling the effects without my brain painting pictures of fear. That is the worry. Excitement? All the other aspects of being within luxury. Physical comfort, no responsibilities, and the very idea of finally being far away from home for a little while. That part of the trip sounds nice. I always see something, end up with a head full of desire and pushed buttons, and then by the time we arrive home I seem to be more down than if we had not left in the first place. Worth it? I don't know anymore. Last time I calculated that the down was worth the up. Now? Limited, held in place, and concerned for possible long-term effects of living the way I do. Fear... And then nothing.



346



For the millionth time, everything is related. I went into that shit a few times but I do not believe the point has been made as of yet. I need to go further and try to articulate just what takes place inside me during those moments, and where I picture myself as it relates to other people. I often say 'implode', however that is too generic a term for the proper description. In fact, there may be none available. The words I place here -- unclear or whatever else -- cannot get across one second of inner feelings, no matter the length of an entry. Everything being related is the largest hurdle on the fucking track. So far I have gleaned but without any real connections. The depth of worry and fear cannot be overstated and holds back much of what I need to say. The shit fact is that I would never wish to alter the manner in which others think, I only need to illuminate and educate. That may be asking too much, though. I mentioned being unfair -- right down to the fucking title -- and no matter how bad off I end up, treating people fairly is the only way. Otherwise I will not feel good about myself as I now do.

I just wish it had not happened. I thought it impossible these days, but alas I know nothing. It won't leave my head. More fear.

Everything related. All of it boils down to something I could actually cram into a single sentence but fear of ridicule restricts my words like God's straitjacket. I may never open up again. A song comes to mind -- from the nineties I believe -- and slaps me across the face sometimes when I am feeling small. Upon hearing it for the first time and understanding the lyrics, I fell down and then recovered as the realization of who I may have been turning into hit me. And then I did, and then years passed and everything was left to the rear only to return like a cyclone. And here I sit. All related. And I know why, but I can't say it.

Cold. Tuesday.

Little better today despite the standard societal horseshit attached. Just a moment of it. No big deal. What took place yesterday was not in context, thank Christ. That was tough and made my skin crawl. My mind went back to a story told to a group of people a few years ago at a birthday party. I cannot go into it here or I'll become nauseated. Suffice to say I did not appreciate a gaping lack of sensitivity yesterday. The story mentioned was different due to the group. As for the programming, I am very familiar with each chapter and aware of the possible pitfalls of not watching alone. As such, most difficult moments arrive expected and understood. Yesterday's issue arose unexpectedly, however, and was outside the typical scope of my feelings. I was surprised and slapped with the fact that I may never be fully comfortable with another person. Very sad, yet not beyond my grasp. The show did not cause anything and I must keep such a fact in mind.

Wednesday... Veteran's Day. I put the flags out first thing. Very important. If not for them, I would not be sitting here sipping coffee in the warmth. Thank you all.

Oy yesterday and the business inside me. This morning is comfortable and quiet, thank Christ, and I have more time to consider everything which has taken place throughout the last few days. I need the time like I need breath. And seeing as there are but twelve days until leaving for the high country, I must also begin to prepare myself for being away from home as well as in the atmosphere of the past (more or less). I really must weigh the importance of what took place the other day and why. There are no negatives being shot at me, ever, so the wordplay is now chalked up to yet another installment of me throwing it out myself. The time today will be well spent maintaining a balance between some work and calculations regarding how I may avoid such things in the future. I will not be alone for a good portion of the day, either, so each moment is precious. Possible fear. Always, and right behind me like that fucking shadow again.






This has been slow to build. I guess the writing does not feel the same as months ago. There is no help here, and since I mask everything so heavily, no one else knows what is going on. Very clouded, this crap. I know all of it but rarely does anything emanate from my lips to another person. I keep saying that I am going over the same stuff all the time, and then I repeat this very statement, and then I see a circle again. Oof.

The light is coming up and the birds are already flipping their lids over the grass after some light rain.

I don't know if I can bring more up to someone else. It might be too difficult. The safest path is to carry on the way I have for years. I just can't put it out there... Too much worry over how I will be viewed. Honestly, I've already revealed quite a bit -- even going so far as to discuss the manner in which all the crap is connected and begins to feed off itself -- but there are little steps I have to keep inside. Eh... I'm going nowhere with this.

I'm starting to think that those events of the eighties were not completely at fault for this shit. I have created much of it. Not sure, though. All I can do is calculate everything with whatever resources are at my disposal, and that is not much.

My closing statement a few entries back was correct. One-hundred percent. That period destroyed any chance of me letting everything go and finding happiness."



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