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The Raven


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11-10-2018 05:36 pst

The main writing index has returned, and the story continues below. The staff has had some time away (bliss) and upon our return we found things in very good order aside from the angry admin tirade from a few weeks ago. Normally we control the display of information here, however once we are away the site is no longer available for editing. Admin moved the archive away for reasons of reader dissatisfaction. We would not have reacted so dramatically. The flow of information is up to the visitor.

Part fourteen is lengthy and will remain up as the index for some weeks. In the meantime, we are continuing to organize domains and transferring things around to keep costs down. Into 2019 we should have a good grasp.


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The Heroin and the Hell

Part Fourteen


"I listened to the familiar sound of those lovely heels double-tapping the marble and fell through to the dark plane of hell. Andrea stepped with purpose and looked back only once -- showing her tearful eyes without a smile. My heart was being chopped into some otherworldly mass sans hope. Just as when Ashley quickly exited the massive stone columns flanking the cavernous Luxor main entrance, I saw nothing other than black. Andrea, lover of my heart, body, soul... absent. All of the laughter and carefree moments which felt like an eternity before us had left as quickly as us clinging to each other on that first fucking flight out of DFW. A few hours together and we were chemically welded. In the Venetian lobby? Surgically severed. God help me for my thoughts. My mind immediately went back years earlier to those thirty-nine degree angled windows of the pyramid and the exit they could have provided after a long slide to oblivion.

In a way, that may have been better. Losing my life meant I never would have met Andrea and that meant a removal of the split. I could have avoided the painful and regretful fucking return home after seeing the gorgeous Ashley and her big heart walking out of the resort. That was difficult, but nothing when compared to arriving at my house and living through months of hellish backlash. All of it washed away as my mind slid down the outside of the pyramid into black. No Brunette and the fear and pain related to our relationship, no fleeing to Florida, slicing days off my visit, and no watching the angel leave the Venetian. And I had to do it again. Days in Vegas with Juliette and Ashley did not hold a candle to spending weeks with Andrea, not to mention a fucking fortune flying out of my wallet. Another series of bad decisions? Nope. Not at all. I did not regret one fucking second of my life with that goddess of a woman and her sensitive, caring heart. The issue was placing everything behind me and finding the ability to function after such a dramatic and fulfilling time. Andrea and I were the highest form of bliss and understanding. The very pinnacle of happiness. Allowing myself to pass that and move forward without even more fucking regret was going to be a chore. Throwing myself out the window would have effectively erased the whole thing. That thought was compelling, even when Ashley's delicious ass was gyrating away.

Nope.

I froze inside and thought of nothing other than the enormous loss of Andrea. The woman was my savior and lover. She was my heart. She became unlike anyone that preceded her. And she was gone for good...

...just like the others.

I could not help but go back in time to the telling of the story. Did Andrea react badly? Not at all, yet still my mind -- being the paranoid type, and suddenly without her loving eyes telling me everything was ok -- became twisted and mangled into a pretzel after being thrown into the street. Was I worried about leaving? Fuck no... just being alone after the wondrous comfort of that woman's company for days and days.

Loneliness again.

So... I headed straight to the Palazzo and the big bar with the huge windows. I dropped my ass to the table and awaited the server with baited breath. She approached, smiling, and asked of my companion. Fuck me in the gutter. I told the stunning raven-haired doll that Andrea had gone back to Florida, leaving me a mess of haphazard thought and depression. She placed her hand to my shoulder and told me to relax as best I could. Right. The separation felt like a torch in my chest and I was supposed to take it easy? Hmm. Not likely. She walked away without asking of my drinking choice -- naturally my painfully hungry eyes glued to her little ass the whole way -- and returned with my last order from the previous day. What a sweetheart. I smiled and told her she looked gorgeous, to which she bent down and whispered that I may need to repair my heart awhile. I then asked her for a simple hug. She granted my wish, lightly touched my cheek, and left me to my damaged thoughts. Again I stared at her body and wished I was dead.

Each time the server approached the table, the weakness showed her where my head was. Yep... in her pants. My eyes were between her tapered upper thighs every fucking time. The drug still pulled at my never-ending desire, and when combined with alcohol, the result was a depressive tirade of deviant needs even greater than that of the DFW bartender. Not even my intense desire to swallow the Brunette whole could compare. I wanted the server because I was a junkie without the fix. And I needed the distraction, although that mindset placed me ever deeper into the goblet and always resulted in further destruction to myself. Her sweet nature did not push her to judge me, though. I saw empathy instead. She smiled and asked if I would be alright. All I could do was attempt to return the gesture, drop my head, and thank her for the kindness. Again the hand on my shoulder along with another cocktail. Everything was Andrea a short time earlier, but in the bar early that afternoon, everything was despair and desperation.



117

Lingerie for me?



Upon her third visit, I asked for a name. She responded with 'Ellie'. Fucking cute beyond words. My head was so fucked up that the addition of her adorable handle just drove me out of my mind. I had to attempt to keep everything in order and maintain myself if I was to survive. Moments up, moments down. Just like near the waterfront on the Embarcadero weeks earlier, my head was flip-flopping between doom and survival. Any decision I made during those first hours without Andrea was critical. Her pretty name and those tight yoga pants had to be minimized, and quickly. Still I sat there switching my gaze from Ellie to the window. Across the street I could see TI and the Wynn, with the big mall sitting between. First Food and Bar was perched above street level and directly on the corner. The tables were open to large windows looking out to nearly half the landscape due to the curves. Andrea and I had sat there a few times, as did the victim and myself the previous summer. Memories began to drive me down a bit further. Not just the angel next to me for weeks, but the vast damage I had caused which led me to the Brunette and her loving care. All of those days and weeks were dripping with self-defeating thoughts along with drunken and depressive tirades between the Brunette and me. As I sat there leering out and trying to swallow the mass of difficulty left from my terrible behavior, I felt the tingle of hunger but ignored it. Ellie returned, pouted, and asked if I wished to eat. No, I told her loveliness, just a refill. She frowned a bit and inquired as to my hotel. I responded, and she suggested I take my tired self back up the elevator for a nap. Hmm... no, a refill please.

'One more and then you're done, ok?'
'Yeah.'

Drunk. Depressed. Wishing to dive off the roof. What was I to do upon reaching home? Apologize to forty people? No one wanted my platitudes. They wished me to come home -- naturally -- but not gushing over my issues. That was retreaded and worn out beyond description. Nobody wanted to hear it. The more I felt drawn toward another pair of female arms around me, the more the past kept pushing me down. I let it happen, too, because I did not deserve any better. Ellie waddled back to me with my eyes on her breasts, and gently placed my cocktail on the table. She bent down and rubbed my neck pleading that I leave.

'Hold me.'
'I can't. Please just take care.'

Off she went with a glance back. Others began to saunter in, meaning the quiet would soon be squashed. I decided to slam the booze and go elsewhere. Part way out I stopped to pay the check and asked if Ellie would come to my room and let me speak to her. Nope. She looked so adorably sympathetic, but in the end it came down to a tipsy patron hitting on the staff. That was likely an everyday occurrence, and moments later as I weaved toward the Venetian, the realization that I was just like any number of males who likely became vocal about the attractive staff only served to drop me another notch. The long walk through the Palazzo casino was nearly as difficult as gazing at Ellie's bright eyes with no relief. I moved slowly and saw others going about their vacations including who-knows how many gorgeous women. I needed to run toward any of them and latch on for dear life. I was wrecked, intoxicated, sad, and more needy than I had been even before meeting Andrea. My distressed eyes met with others' leaving me to feel extremely self-conscious. I increased my stepping to escape the view of me in such a state. I had to hide away until calming myself enough to be in public. Up to the big room... alone. Through the door... no one there waiting with arms wide. To the bed... empty. God damn fucking hell, a roadblock. Out the window or sleep? I sprawled on the bed and drifted off.

Dreams. Evening. Cold. Alone.



288

Her radii were in my soul



Was I able to make it through one more night? Could I fly to SFO without falling down? Who the fuck knew any of it. My dependent nature was at a high, and my tolerance for being alone was the opposite. There were hours left that night and a morning. The worst? Sleeping without Andrea next to me. I had become accustomed to her soft breathing and scent to the point of feeling as if I would not survive without her there to keep me comfortable. My mind was all over the place upon waking, but still I felt the desire to drown into the alcohol and a warm embrace. The former was likely, the latter seemed impossible. I decided to get myself together a bit and find something to eat. Shower, nice clothes, fucking depressed. No angel dressing next to me with that beautiful smile and thin lingerie. What was Ellie wearing under her tight pants? An orange thong? Maybe? I would never know, but the drug still called to my blood. I needed booze again. I needed much more, but at least there was no limit to the booze available in the goblet. Out the door with a head full of way too much. Jesus God did I ever feel lonely. That was a very bad state -- no one to prop me up and help my weakness. I was frail, a wisp, a fraction of my squared-away self from just a year earlier when I was gainfully employed, stable (mostly), and prosperous. The present saw me unemployed, clinging to anything which helped me to stand up, heading toward financial wreckage, and suicidal. How I made it through the first month of that year I will never know. I walked along restaurant row and decided to duck into the Delmonico knowing the Caesar was excellent. There was also a slew of quality bourbons on the shelves. And the bartender was male, thank Christ.

Mint Julep directly. Food? Nope. I needed the numbness first. There was a small assortment of people around the lounge, none of which were the type to give half a shit as to the other clientele. A couple of the servers were shapely in their black outfits and heels and naturally I paid close attention to their movements because I was a fucking needy mess. Second Julep, incoming. And then the bartender shook my hand and left. The shorter girl working the lounge donned an apron and took over behind the bar. Fuck me, and yep she was cute. 'Jennifer' was displayed prominently on her left breast and seeing her smile while doing business pressed my brain into a small space just large enough to contain her intimate parts. The drug, again in front of me and screaming to be pleased. God damn it all to hell. Why the fuck did that have to happen? Another Julep did not help in any way other than the numb. I still had visions of Andrea's big, beautiful eyes projecting love in my direction and the alcohol required to thwart that most gorgeous of sights was substantial. There was plenty behind the bar but could it be enough? Jennifer was back there, too, trotting to and fro with breasts bouncing into my fucked up psyche. She was fucking cute which did not ease any of my addiction and clingy bullshit. I wanted to snag her, run upstairs and dive head first into the deliciousness. What the fuck was wrong with me? Did everything have to lead south and into the heat of oral passion? Fucking crap anyway, I kept drinking like a class alcoholic, and that pushed the food further out enough to loosen my insane tongue and speak my mind like a true fucking champ. I addressed Jennifer with a few simple compliments to which she responded with a smile but remained busy. After three of those, I realized how ridiculous I must have looked and shut my face for a while. Food, two more Juleps (drunk) and a closed mouth helped me to maintain a slight bit of stability. Very slight. I received the check, overtipped the lovely girl, and asked if she was working the next day. She smiled and said yes, and then floored me by stating clearly that seeing me at the bar again would be nice. Yep... there was no denying my deep-seated need for solace from a beautiful woman. Was I going to fall into her like the typical dependent and depressed me? Fuck. Wreck.

After six cocktails and a salad, I was sufficiently pickled enough to cause the familiar self-harm which had dominated my thoughts before meeting the angel. I zig-zagged along the resort, up to my room, and into the bed. My mind went through all permeations of the past months in excruciating detail.



343

Every fucking one of them



Tears, wallowing, and rolling back and forth over and over. That was all I had considering so many women and a ton of regrets flying through me. Andrea's company had propped me to the point of keeping nearly everything at bay. All of the time spent enjoying our necessary freedom had been time which left me narrow of thought. Focused, for the most part. Without that loving soul nearby and available there was nothing to stop a trainload of pain and suffering that had been brought on by yours truly. Reaching for Ellie was desperate, but I did it anyway. I needed Andrea's loving manner, her caring, and her fucking sex. What about Ellie's tasty drug? No. That would have been just the same. A rise and satisfaction, and then another fall of ungodly proportions... the same fucking situation within which I was drowning. More booze? Yep. When my sadness became subdued, I drifted. And the one thought before I dropped into sleep? At dinner I asked Jennifer if she was working the next night, but I was supposed to fly in the afternoon. Huh? Yes... junkie from hell. My stay was suddenly and most necessarily extended, Andrea remained floating in my near vision, the drug continued calling, and the alcohol availability was endless. At least I still had control over my time, for whatever that was worth.

Sleep. Unrest. Pain. Uncertainty. Fear. Regret.

Fuck.

Morning arrived with a sliver of light piercing my need for darkness. My heart still ached for the angel and the thought of an entire day without her loving care felt impossible in my weakened state. I had no fucking idea how long I could last in Vegas, nor did I have motivation to carry forward or improve my situation. The self-destruction continued unimpeded, and the lack of Andrea's heart close to mine caused a hell of an increase to my velocity toward the grave. I cleaned up and left the room. Part way to the elevator vestibule I began to break down over the loneliness and lack of Andrea. Again. U-turn and back out of the public eye. Damn it. I reentered and sat to compose myself for a few minutes, and then remembered that Andrea told me I would be fine. She instructed me to be ok and go home the following morning but I could not leave. I then wondered how she was doing an entire day after departing the goblet. I was supposed to leave an hour earlier but remained to hopefully gather myself enough to fly. There was neither a plane reservation nor plan upon arriving in San Francisco. I was still moving along at my own pace, and that meant fulfilling whatever needs arose. That, in turn, meant staying put for as long as necessary for me to stabilize and avoid suicide -- or if such could be possible considering my gross penchant for self-destruction when comfort came to an end. I was still in a deep hole. Fuck... whatever... back out the door to go and swill a bit.

The early hour meant most restaurants were closed and the attached cozy bars equally locked away. So, lacking other ideas and Ellie not being available, I took my ass across the strip to Caesars and into its massive casino. Straight to the Seahorse lounge and the plush seating, surrounded by picturesque servers along with the lights and sounds around which I grew up decades earlier. I was immediately approached by a tall blonde with flowing hair and impeccable makeup. Her wavy ponytail was all the way down to the fucking hem of her short dress. Fuck me, but such a scene was expected. I knew it very well. Big smile, lots of leg and cleavage, fucking gorgeous. Yep... smoldering eyes, too. I ordered some booze and she gazelled her way to the bar, my gaze never leaving her slender thighs. Jesus, so many things fucked up in my head, and most caused by what I had just watched. She was beautiful, and despite my pain and withdrawal over Andrea, like a true drug addict the next fix was within view. Was I that stupid? Probably. My track record was proof of the insatiable need for loving, sexual care from a gorgeous female. I was dreaming about climbing up those long legs when she returned with another bright smile and my bloody mary. Without hesitation and before one sip, I tossed a few words to her and received a touch. Holy fucking shit... reckless, uncaring, and heading toward another blood-injected fix? Really? Of course! She said nothing and strolled away sporting the tray on manicured fingertips.



344

Touching down?



I sat there -- slumped, actually -- and considered what had taken place throughout my single day alone. Ellie, Jennifer, Andrea, and the goddess who just reacted positively to my slight advances. What were the fucking odds? Don't those servers get hit on constantly? Was she another Lori? Ashley? Diane? Jesus Christ on a barstool... how the fuck did that happen? Anyway, I slurped that vodka like a champ in order to get her to return quickly, and then she spoke up as her little ass perched itself in the booth -- knees paired, heels shining, my brain failing.

'You're in trouble. It's written all over your face.'
'Yes, very much. I apologize for my appearance.'

Her eyes were sympathetic and dripping with sexuality. As we looked at each other, I saw a tinge of wisdom which had been a personality type that pulled at my need immediately. I wanted to swallow her on the spot, and then curl up and cry for days. She may have seen the desire, however the rest stayed hidden for the most part.

'Don't worry about that. Are you ok?'
'Nope. Care to have dinner?'
'Where are you staying?'
'The Venetian.'
'Yes.'

And away she went with a cute smile upon glancing back. Ashley again? How in the fuck did she see me and find willingness to spend time outside the professional environment so quickly? Didn't matter in the least. The issue was my ability to either drown again and then emerge more damaged, or be emotionally intelligent and care for myself properly. The decision was so Goddamned clouded by the delicious display of heroin walking away that I could no longer process anything sensible. I needed it, wanted it, and the painful fading away of Andrea pressed me to lunge. The years of yearning came to a head more than once, with Andrea becoming the absolute pinnacle of every dream and desire. The woman redefined what I found physically attractive along with fulfillment reaching levels I found previously unimaginable. Her nature was overwhelming, and the mechanics of her body were only matched by that beautiful soul. All of it left me with a gaping hole inside roughly the size of the world. From the top of bliss to the blackened decay of the seventh plane of Hell. The ninth plane had yet to be discovered.

I could not believe my situation, like 'good' fortune or whatever the fuck it was. Perhaps something else. The right choices were always there, however the immediate need for lavish comfort and female companionship took over like always. I sat there without common sense and allowed the addiction to rule my actions and words. The mindset was forced by need and any correctness disappeared often. Hours would pass with me in a sort of displaced state in which nothing remotely proper or moral was allowed to enter. The drunken desire for all that I had to dissolve myself into created a path with no turns. Compulsion, depression, and knowing that the right pair of arms around me could cure all combined themselves to keep reality beyond arm's length. I simply shut it out. Doing so was easy and had become second nature. The difference between sitting and attempting to flirt with Ellie the previous day, and lounging the next morning beginning to become tipsy while leering at the model-walk of my server equaled me starting to feel squeezed, as if things were going to narrow to the point of forcing me into a decision between death and life. And soon.

429

Gorgeous flatness



Another bloody mary, and more attention from the ponytail. Fuck, she was so gorgeous and friendly. Was I really going to take her to dinner and further myself into more damaging territory, or would I straighten up and fly home? Did I still have any sense? Anything? The short answer was no. The server was building up in my brain and steering me off course. Other thoughts were in there -- somewhere -- and being held at the back of the line by her legs. Yep, once again I had allowed myself to be railroaded by my addiction and the dire necessity to dilute the pain of Andrea's departure. Fuck it anyway. My head was too fucked up for anything other than sex, sadness and alcohol to flow through me.

As she returned I watched her breasts bouncing. The ponytail swung side-to-side and those legs made the trip with few steps. She sat like before as if to take my order for the third time, instead asking where and when. I left it to her, to which she replied the Venetian lobby at six. Nice. Did I have a restaurant in mind? Sure, the buffet inside her lingerie. I was just reckless enough to allow myself the entry of yet another soul upon which to fall. And there she was... no name, but a dinner date.

I began to feel the effects of the vodka, and knowing my tongue would loosen prompted me to leave and find food. The server was not busy due to the small number of guests, so her checking on me often was nice, and not suspicious to the army of cameras. Upon her last return before I exited that huge lounge, I tossed a thought out to see what may develop. In return I received an evil yet playful expression, and as she walked away glancing back, I knew that her drug was on the menu had I wished for such. Oh boy, again I put myself in a situation that offered absolutely no emotional help whatsoever. Was I excited at the thought of making her into a plaything? Fuck yes. Was I frightened of the possible outcome? Fuck yes. Did I lift a finger to genuinely help myself? Fuck no. The gifts were many and the downside familiar. I thought of Andrea and her loving words. 'Be happy. Survive. Remember me, always.' God damn it, the one image capable of derailing my carnal intentions. After wallowing within her memory and the wonderful ways she had supported me, I calculated that walking over to First to see Ellie might be a good idea. I blew the server and her heroin a kiss, then stepping with tipsy purpose back toward the Palazzo and the only pair of eyes left that could straighten out my fucking shitty headspace. Narrow options, narrower sight. I had to speak with her again and gaze at such an understanding person. Did that mean I was seeking guidance to avoid plunging into the other server's nether regions? (What the fuck was her name?)

Maybe.

Then again, the idea was so stirring that I changed course four times before following through to my destination. Even when I reached the top of the escalator and within sight of the glass doors, there was hesitation. I stood there as indecisive as the walk across two bridges; a process involving multiple u-turns and many confused moments. Jesus fucking crap, I knew what to do and what was right, but still the addiction spoke with limitless authority. Damn it. Fuck me. What a weak fucking pile of shit I was. I stood still a long while before finally deciding that there was little harm in entering. In doing so, I spied that shapely ass cruising her duties and made a beeline for a lonely table in the corner. I sat and awaited attention while the Seahorse encounter spun webs of thought into my broken psyche. I also considered where I was and the fact that time was still under my control. Along that line of thinking, the idea of my little phone having sat unpowered for more then ten days was beginning to empower my circumstances. Out of reach, yet still able to draw breath and think. And as difficult as the latter had become, unlimited time felt good. The world was to be whatever I made of it. More or less.

Eleanor. Ellie.

She walked to my table with a smile which caught me off guard. It was a big, bright expression showing appreciation for seeing me again, although the concern was displayed on her lovely face almost immediately. We greeted each other sweetly, after which I ordered a cocktail. Ellie remarked of my slight slurring, of course, and her eyes told me that the prior day's difficulties were still apparent. I could not argue, although I wished to tell her I was doing fine. The girl knew all too well of how to read patrons. She offered a few menu items and I replied with an order of salad and a measure of her time. Her hands rose and wrote my choice on a hard check, all the while my head desiring more than simple chit chat.

'You have lovely eyes.'
'Thank you. I will be back.'



460

The curves of bliss



Cocktail, worried hands, wrinkled heart. I sat and awaited any one of three things -- the salad, her conversation, or some relief. The latter was not likely due to my need for continued delusion and hiding. The idea of flying was still too much of a reach for me, although upon touching down I did have the slipper which could take me away if the necessity arose. I could still hide, even without Vegas. All of the fear related to me returning home had been mounting for weeks. Being away so long and out of contact with everyone in my life didn't help, either. Others were understanding of my situation after taking a leave of absence from work, but my actions were always viewed as flighty -- especially by family members. I tried to go over everything which could take place once I broke silence. The vodka and images of the Seahorse server were piled on top of my increasing fear. Distraction and comfort still ruled my thinking, and with Ellie's attentive service I decided to throw out yet another hook and see if she snagged it. When she returned with my salad, I did just that.

'May we talk sometime?'
'Yes, but before I spend time with you outside this restaurant, we need to reach an understanding, ok?'
'Anything.'
'I'm off at two. We can meet here by the door.'
'Ok. Thank you.'
'Don't thank me yet. And do not get drunk.'
'I will not. Promise.'

And away she went with a bit of a grin. Success? Perhaps. But I also was concerned that all she would do is offer advice, when what I really needed was to be against her body for solace. Ellie was so fucking cute with that little ass reminding me of watching Andrea walk all over Disney World and me falling back behind her to watch the motion. Her shoes didn't help, either. Two-inch block heels and the benefits of that lift promoting the shape of her slender legs. She drove me nuts, but I had to keep it at bay. I needed to dive and cry, however in the beginning respect was paramount to all other desires. I ate slowly, drank even more slowly, and ventured out after saying goodbye. Twelve o'clock. I went back to my room and laid down hoping to relax and await Ellie's intentions. I drifted off, dreaming of Andrea wrapped around me, Ellie's sex, and the Seahorse server's ass in my mouth. God damn, what a fucked up individual I had become. Whatever. There was not a sliver of doubt as to exactly what I was. None. Sleep.

I awakened to the alarm and tried to clear the cobwebs from my wrecked brain. Thoughts of everything continued to cause me distress aplenty, combined with dreams of three women. Ellie would be waiting, so I had to get myself together and find something full of caffeine. I had one outfit left before needing laundry service so the choice was reduced to one. There was no confidence left in my own appearance due to my entire life being displayed all over my face. Others would see the eyes first, so clothing did not matter much. I could not hide my depression. Out the door and down to the ground in more ways than one. The best course seemed to be a path toward the Canal Shoppes for some quality coffee, off to the main cashier for some liquid resources, and then toward First Food and Bar to meet with the little ass wrapped in my desire. As I strolled through to the most popular part of the resort, the server from the Seahorse popped into my head. I figured if she was so willing to meet me, and with such playful expressions on her lovely face, the night could be satisfying as long as she was not some sort of serial killer. Although upon considering my circumstances and how dissatisfied I had been with so many hundreds of decisions, my thinking was that the woman may as well slice my throat. At least that way I would no longer feel anything. What a wonderful thought. I was that out of balance. Not just the sex, isolation, addiction, alcohol, or anything else. Suicide was prominently displayed on a massive neon sign right before my eyes. It was like a carrot being dangled in front of a horse. I followed along like a properly obedient head case.

I stopped short between the connected Venetian and Palazzo, made a beeline outside, and smoked like a chimney. The issue was Ellie's comment of 'don't thank me yet'. Such a remark made me a tad uncomfortable. Was she going to be another Lanie? More psychoanalysis? Fuck me running, I hoped not. I just needed a connection to keep me upright a bit longer. Just some space and understanding until such time as I could compose myself and fly home. Yes, home. Unreal.



218

Warm and welcoming, every time



The time was at hand. Ellie emerged from the restaurant still in work clothing sans apron and name tag, and approached me with a tentative smile. She looked gorgeous, her expression notwithstanding. I told her as much, to which she thanked me and asked that we venture across the street for some time. Anything she wished was not a problem, especially considering that I was still floating between worlds. We walked, quietly. Ellie looked so cute with the hair tied and those shoes pointed slightly inward as she stepped. There was a gap there, too, but I had to pay attention to other matters rather than stare at her body. We spoke briefly about her decision to take a stroll across the street to get away from her place of work. Into the Mirage and that big, Center Bar in the atrium. We sidled up and Ellie ordered coffee for two.

'You look so nice.'
'Thank you.'

I sensed that gushing was not going to help anything, so I backed off. Reeling in the platitudes seemed to ease the mood, and for the next hour or so I laid it all out. From SFO to DFW and the bartender's ass, to Andrea and Pensacola, to Vegas, back to Florida and back again. I must have sounded ridiculous, drunk, or both. Weeks of flying, eating, drinking, sexcapades, and very damaging behavior. Ellie listened without word one, and only after I had made it all the way to meeting her the previous day did she offer some thoughts. And they were not as harsh as I had feared. She was soft and kind, understanding and sweet, and so fucking adorable. While she spoke of need, satisfaction, love and obsession, I listened intently and tried to keep my head out of her pants. Everything made sense but did not really redirect my path. I just could not leave too quickly. The right thing to do was fly away, and having few attachments meant the days and timing were not critical. I told Ellie of my encounter in Caesars, and how attracted I was to that woman, although she was a bit scary. The response was a set of very pointed words regarding my reckless need for the physical closeness and distraction from all I wished to avoid. Ellie was very calm and collected while she spoke, unfortunately turning me on in the process. I took her hand while dropping my head slightly and she did not push away.

'In the bar I asked to hold you.'
'You may, now that we are out of my workplace. I don't mind, ok?'

And with that I stood and grabbed hold of her little self for all I was worth. I felt her knees press my hips as she held tight to me while one hand moved up and down my back. She felt so warm and comfortable, and I had to maintain myself without tears. Andrea and her endless warm hugs flashed into me, causing me to whisper 'You are too kind.' Ellie did not utter a word, holding on for as long as I wished. I could feel her bra underneath, smell her hair, feel the thinness of her thighs. And as much as I had to have emotional support, there was no avoiding dreams of skin. I pushed it. I pushed hard. Ellie's sweet nature was not something I wished to risk. That was not easy, as my mind had been formulating ways of getting that girl to lay next to me. Holy shit, that may have ruined everything, until something happened which blew my head wide open. Ellie pulled back, took my face and kissed me softly.

'I am just a person, but maybe I can help you get home.'

For fuck's sake... after that I wanted her so bad that I nearly faltered in holding back my sharp words. I said nothing and stared at her eyes with their lovely makeup. I took her hand, sat, and eased her onto my lap. There was no resistance. Ellie had arms around me and whispered to me that I was gorgeous and she was afraid of getting close because I had to leave at some point. Me? Really? Oof, Andrea all over again. I took a step forward by pressing my lips to her warm neck and asking to have dinner. Fuck the other date. That one was quickly becoming unimportant (but little did I know). She agreed and revealed that there was no work for her until two days later. Damn... wondrous, warm comfort incoming. Ellie kissed me again for several moments until realizing that the bartender was leering.

'C'mon.'



454

Eleanor...




And away we went, hands holding tight. Where? Ellie pulled me along quickly toward the center of the atrium, stopped short near the big plants and kissed me again. Jesus holy hell in a lace thong... passion, softness, lips like velvet. Instantly I was in flames. And then she backed off and glanced at her watch. I handed her my second room key and received a smile. Room number, seven o'clock. Fuck yes, just what I needed.

'Cool your engines, I have to go home. See you soon. And don't drink.'
'Huh?'
'You heard me.' Smooch.
'Wear something nice, please.'
'Don't worry.'

And there I stood, flabbergasted by Ellie's lips and words, and in need of a drink immediately. Nope. Nothing. What the fuck was I supposed to do for hours without alcohol? That was different, but her softness dictated my actions. I was not going to fuck it up. I went back to the bar and sat with coffee as the bartender looked at me, smiling. We had a short conversation about the nature of Vegas, after which I realized that she knew nothing of me and only saw what was likely a random pairing, just like what took place often in that big machine. I tried not to let anything out which may have given away my fucked up state of mind. I also did my best not to picture her ass up in the air and my tongue painting everything. That was not easy. Vegas was built on sex and money, so every single detail was meticulously placed to attract the same. That bartender was right in line with the look and feel of such a playground. Still, her ass was in view often enough to allow me dreams of both Andrea and Eleanor. The latter was young, new to me, and as enticing as a bucket of ice water to a desert traveler. Ellie smelled like strawberries and flowers. She drove me nuts with the intense lip action, too. No booze, just coffee into my swirling, confused and screwed up head. I sat there and people-watched, spoke with the exotic bartender more, and then threw her a fucking line.

'You are lovely, my dear.'
'Well, thank you.'

With a smile to her I was off the stool and heading toward Caesars to see if the model of a server was working. That was a long walk. All the way through the Forum and past the Palm, Spago, the fucking liquid sex and grace of La Perla (Juliette's lavender ass all over my face!), and halfway across the casino. I sauntered in and spied her gorgeous breasts immediately. She turned and stepped to me like her ass was on fire (it was, in my head). Upon seeing her bouncing ponytail, I instantly needed to dive between those long legs. God damn but the woman was stunning from any angle. She greeted me and led me to a booth, bending down for a peck on my cheek. I ordered a cup of coffee and she strolled away, looking back with that devilish grin. I sunk down and tried to command the strength to cut off our date, but to no avail. The woman was just too enticing to resist. My unending weakness and frailty forced bad choices in the hopes of satiating that massive addiction. By the time she returned, my brain was welded to her labia. Fuck me in a teacup, what a pile I had become.

Her name was Julie. Chrissakes.

She perched my dessert... I mean... her ass on the seat and asked of our plan. Damn, but I was unable to muster any negative words. I just could not cancel in my sordid state of mind. So, I postponed two days, asking if she could meet early that evening.

'Yes.' Smile.



455

...and her unreal form...



Oy gawd, yes? Yikes, but whatever. Jesus, she looked so fucking tasty that my mind ceased any processes not involving her smooth skin and bouncing breasts. Julie departed my table and swung those thighs back to the bar. I sat there attempting to understand myself, happy to be making connections, and overjoyed that the clock was of no concern within the goblet. In a few hours I would be all over Ellie. Fuck yes. But no drinking? Holy fucking shit was that a tall order. Such a stage in my life meant alcohol at every opportunity, especially trying to drown out the time with Andrea, that fucking soulful and angelic goddess of a woman. Coffee scent wafting in the air could not begin to get her fantastic aroma out of my nose. Jesus I missed her so much. No sooner did I start daydreaming about the Polynesian stay when Julie reappeared and derailed my broken brain. She bent to refill my coffee and my sight went straight to her peach bra. Peach. Fucking PEACH. She saw my glare and commented that I was welcome to look all I wished. Oh. My. God. A hand softly across my red cheek and she was out. So was I... all the way out of my fucking mind. What the fuck was I doing? Could I even leave that place? No answers, no sense, no hopes other than the women and my deep need for care. God damn did I ever need a drink. No way... I was not going to fuck up my meeting with the lovely Ellie. Not a chance. All I had to do is kill some time and be patient while avoiding bars. Hmm. Of the damned few places I could find enjoyment, bars topped the list. Well, just below the inside of a warm thong, that is. What a disjointed wreck. Julie offered her skin to me. Holy shit, there went the remainder of my clarity. And Ellie soon. Fuck yes.

Julie returned with an offer of more coffee, and I stood to indicate that I had to leave. She sat as usual, and rested her pretty head on one palm. I stared, unable to look away from such a beautiful woman, and attempted to absorb the idea of us spending time alone. The thoughts were flying through me... those big eyes, beautiful lips, long legs... and I lost myself in the moment. She remained sitting with a playful 'sit down' mouthed and a smile. I slowly dropped back into the plushness and maintained my gaze. For what seemed an eternity we stayed still with flirting eyes. I made a point of visually tracing her from face to knees, and caused such a smile as I had not had the pleasure since Andrea and her vast beauty. All at once I wished to grab Julie and hold on for dear life, the thought forcing me to catch my breath. Sitting before me was a dramatic example of sexy, sultry, dripping need. My insane addiction piqued as I tried to command any words. Moments passed while she looked upon me as if I was on the bar menu. Jesus, how was that even possible? Me? What the fuck? I was half a person -- or less -- and staring like I had not seen a woman before. Still, minutes later, there were no words. Again I gazed at her breasts as they rested there screaming to be slobbered upon, and her response was to narrow her shoulders and afford me the view of a lifetime. Another eternity went flying by before Julie finally spoke...

'Maybe dinner can be room service.'

Another smooth glance of my cheek and she trotted away. No look back that time, but the sway of her hips spoke volumes. The woman exuded sexuality, but I felt no intimidation as I had with Diane or Lori. Diane frightened me with her bold, determined words, evil eyes, and seemingly insatiable appetite for encounters of more than two bodies. That was just not me. Lori, on the other hand, seemed as a Succubus intent upon devouring my body and reaping the benefits of new young. Holy fuck, both were scary and probably would have connected nicely with each other. Heh. I composed myself, feeling more alert thanks to the caffeine, and exited the Seahorse with my mind spinning like a giant flywheel. The motion carried me back into thoughts of Ellie and hopes of a peaceful, comfortable dinner, and the insane fact that the girl had my other room key. Wow.

As I made my reverse trip toward the Venetian and past those places I sighted which were fused to memories of Juliette, Jasmine, and my fateful wedding trip, I began to fall heavily. Years had passed and feelings built up within me before I fled to Vegas and reserved a weekend with Jasmine. A few days of exotic bliss meant returning home was the opposite. Cut to a year later, with memories of escaping reality and a very expensive call girl hanging on my arm, and things built up again to the point of me running away and the crazy fleeting chance of meeting Juliette at the bank. She was the first troubled woman I met, and we ended up helping each other tremendously. Her departure caused me enough distress to hit on Ashley out of desperation, and then days with that little doll had the same effect. Rise, fall. And I was doing it again. Andrea felt like a part of me. Just one day before reaching toward Ellie, Andrea had gone home, leaving a huge hole right in the center of my being. The only way I felt I could survive was in the understanding arms of a woman.. again. Again. Fucking hell, I was so void of self-esteem and strength alone that there simply was no other choice. I was a fucking junkie bent upon the next hole in my vein. Ellie quickly became the needle, with Julie hot on her tail (which I needed to attach to my waiting mouth). Even though I knew there would be painful withdrawals coming in, I cared not for anything outside the next few moments. But what about home? What about the whole fucking thing coming to an end? Would I run out of money? Still... no caring. I saw my end on the horizon and continued along the narrow peak of my addictive wave. Surfing for my life.



456

...allowing my junkie exploration



Those memories of prior trips nearly broke me. The worst of them was seeing Trevi towering above the Forum where our big wedding dinner took place. I walked quickly through to the street and then slowed a bit in an attempt to keep my sanity long enough for Ellie. Good or bad, she was to be in my room at seven. The key allowed her access to the elevator without question, meaning security would not be calling to inform me of a guest. Ellie had the ability to walk right in. A girl I had known for all of an hour total had my fucking key. Unreal, but not outside my capability. If I had three keys, Julie would likely have had one, too. Up the boulevard, along the moving walkway, and back into the place where Andrea and I found love for each other. Which led to...

Jesus fucking Christ did I ever need alcohol. Nope.

Completely full of coffee, I strolled through to the Venetian casino and dropped my sordid ass at a machine to kill time. Gambling was not my forté, but I needed to be relatively alone and wrap my head around dinner with Ellie's cuteness and wherever that could lead. I really needed to hold her for hours. The hugs in the Mirage were wonderful and felt as if she genuinely cared. There may have been some need from her, too, but time would tell. The odd part was my desire to climb into her undies had begun to take a back seat to comfort and warmth of heart. Ellie seemed genuine and that meant the world. It also meant trouble, judging by my fucked up track record. Just as I began to put things in mental order, the machine went nuts. I hit a small progressive which was very unexpected. Considering I had maybe a few hours' worth of betting throughout so many weeks in that town, it caught me way off guard. Whatever, money kept me in my space. Another grand was sweet. Yes, sweet, just like Andrea's smooth skin. Oy gawd damn, what a fucking woman. Back to my room high in the air to relax and think. God bless the time.

I took it easy (aside from the memories which were shredding my heart into thin, bloody strips) and awaited the clock's motion. Andrea was flowing through me like waves of love and caring. The sharp pain of being in our hotel room alone was cutting me deeply. I had hoped that Ellie's sweet presence might help to alleviate the difficulty and provide new moments which could calm me. She already reminded me of Juliette's natural solace-inducing manner. That woman's voice was so relaxing, and her demeanor in any situation was very serene. Just listening to her speak brought me peace. Ellie, through the very short conversation in the Mirage, seemed to be along those lines. Anticipation of her being close to me was building. I showered, dressed, and yearned for a fucking glass of bourbon. Fuck, that was tough. Booze was my standard procedure in nearly any given situation, and Ellie asked that I drink exactly zero until seven. The fuck? Was I that pathetic when we met? Probably. Not surprising. She agreed to dinner, which meant perhaps I wasn't THAT bad.

Yes I was.

Time passed. I laid there feeling as if I was going into fucking delirium tremens. Fuck. The television was like a Goddamned voice nagging at my fucked up attention, so I killed it just as there was a sound from the door. The electronic lock whirred quickly and the door swung open as I stood. Ellie stepped to me with black, formed capri pants, class-act heels, and a teal spaghetti-strapped fucking top revealing sharp shoulders gleaming in front of waves of jet-black hair. I faltered before greeting her. Fucking crap, she looked so nice. And the hug was just what I needed... warm, welcoming, and so cozy. Damn, I loved it and needed it so bad. We held each other for several moments before Ellie kissed me. Both my hands were in hers and being massaged with happiness. When she met my eyes I saw a combination of joy and compassion. The initial meeting was wonderful. Time, space, and freedom from responsibility. Upon separating, Ellie took a seat on the sofa, crossed her shapely legs, and smiled. I sat next to her while we spoke briefly about being away from others and having some semblance of relaxation to be together. Her eyes were bright with hope, and I could not help but be amazed at the fact that she was willing to spend her off time with me. I expressed my appreciation and took her small hands in mine.

All I could do was smile at her bright eyes and cheerful manner. The time was wonderful, and we had as much of it as we wished. Ellie looked so beautiful that I needed a few moments to catch my breath. Having no dinner reservation meant no hurry. We sat for a little while and spoke about my trip and her work. Her lips were dark red and complemented the rest of her makeup. That hair took the cake, though. When we met earlier, it was tied pretty well and I had no way of knowing of the volume. On that sofa, it was everywhere. Wavy, thick, and calling to me to dive into it. So, I tried...

'May I smell your hair?'
'Sure.'



449

So beautiful



Ellie stood and then dropped herself, straddling my lap with arms snugly around my back. I buried my face and enjoyed the scent, thinking of doing the same with Andrea many times. The girl was on top of me and again I needed to compose myself. Damn, but she smelled good and felt better. Her breasts pressed to me, and my hands wandering her back and up the back of her head, massaging gently. I do not know why, but Ellie was being very sweet and had no issue being close. She was warm, soft, comfortable, and I needed all of it badly. Even as I held her tightly, others were still occupying my head. The past was keeping me in line, too, like no dreaming of Ellie's warm sex being on my lap, and no hinting at anything more physical. I just enjoyed those long moments and tried not to cry. That was not easy. I kept my face against her neck, and kissed her skin gently. Ellie responded with the same. My hands did not leave her back, and my brain sex was switched off. The peace of being right there was enough. I could sense that she was not moving in a sexual direction, either, so I left all of it out and stood her up. She looked up and awaited words.

'Dinner?'
'Let's stay here for a while, ok?
'Ok.'

Hmm... the room was quiet and dim, allowing us to enjoy the company and stay out of the noise and bustle of the resort. I sat again, Ellie across my lap after removing her beautiful heels. I thought of Juliette, sitting at the bar in the Luxor with legs crossed and her heels dangling. She looked so fucking elegant. Ellie's legs were right in front of me, thigh gap, stockings, thin pants. I stared at that opening and asked if she minded me gazing so much. Not at all. So sweet, and smiling so much. Soon her smile went away and a more serious expression took over. I wondered... what was going to happen? Sex? An extended stay? Who was that girl? Why did she allow me time? She held my hand, looking insightful. I wanted to see her skin sans clothing, but did not wish to cause any friction. She was too sweet toward me. I reached out a bit by resting my hands on her slender thighs and received no bad response. Ellie then took more initiative and pulled me over for a kiss... and what an amazing feeling it was. Soft, slow, deep, and oh so enticing. Jesus, I could have remained against her lips for hours. She held my cheeks and moaned slightly, bringing desire to the forefront. And then her fingers up the back of my head as she pulled away slightly.

'I love your hair.'

Back to the lips. A long while had us connected and pressing against each other. She crawled back onto my lap and continued, passionately. I felt as if the door was unlocked but still did not wish to push. I did not feel that sex was right, or just not good at that point. Only kissing and breathing. As my hands wandered her back I felt a thin bra but no hook. Oy God damn, it was on the front. Her top was very thin, too. I gently asked of her lingerie color and she adorably giggled and replied 'blue'. Fuck me, there was the image of Andrea AGAIN in my mind. Tha woman's array of underthings was gorgeous, and seemed to have been designed with my desire in mind. Damn, Andrea was absolutely unreal in every way. Tinges of pain entered again pushing me to ask more of Ellie for a distraction from the previous day's huge loss. I decided to go all fucking in and ask her to let me see everything. I wanted her to pose, walk, and I needed to position her in order to get Andrea the fuck out of my head. I worked up the nerve, and threw it out there. Ellie looked at me and asked about posing. I told her that the mechanics of attractiveness and beauty were obsessions of mine, and opportunities to explore had been scarce. She said nothing and moved back in for more kissing. Holy Christ she felt good. The blood pressure was maxed and she noticed, sitting right on it. There was no getting around it even with my feeling that physical love was not a good idea.

'I am not going to be able to do anything about that, sweetheart. I'm sorry.'
'It's ok, I can't help the feeling.'
'The reaction is natural. I understand.'



450

Every inch



Fucking hell, Ellie was so sweet and kind that I was floored. She understood? Damn, what a person. I inquired again as to seeing her and she told me it was fine, but nothing further. Yes ma'am. The idea was a stretch, however she seemed to trust me. And then the top was pulled off, revealing a beautiful light-blue demi bra. Fuck me, olive skin against blue, and right in front of my glaring eyes... c-cup bliss with nipples peeking. Ellie then kissed my cheek, stood, and pulled off those pants allowing me an eye-level view of her tiny blue thong and bare skin all around. Ho-ly fuck, what a sight. And my thinking was to attempt getting Andrea's dreamy form to leave me and be replace by the kitten standing there nearly nude in my hotel room? Nope... two bodies were there. Fucking shit, anyway. I stared and lost myself in the addiction and deep-seated need to be inside that garment. Ellie turned halfway around and stood with her little feet together. The thigh-highs gripped her skin and exaggerated the features I loved. Curves, compounded from her knees up to the sex. Those inner radii stared back and called to me, harshly. She adjusted the strap of her thong and for a split-second I was gazing at her nude ass. Jesus, did I ever want to ravage her. I felt myself beginning to mentally falter and asked that she dress to allow me to calm myself and cool the hell off. Ellie did as I requested and sat next to me smiling.

'How do I look, mister math?'
'Like a dream, my dear. A fucking picture of the inside of my head.'
'Let's go get a drink, ok?'
'Yes... please, and thank you for letting me see.'
'I don't know why, but I trust you. I have from the beginning. And I was on your lap, sitting right on top of your erection, and you did nothing other than ask me to dress. I'm not used to that.'

I suppose I did have some class. She was a person before anything else. Without respect, trust, and honesty, we have nothing. Not a fucking thing. Eventually all goes away in favor of conflict. I had to be kind to Ellie. She treated me with much caring and understanding, meaning the flip side had to be the same. What a girl.

We prepared ourselves for the public eye, kissed for the tenth time, and left the room and my insatiable need behind. Straight to Double Helix, God love it, with her tenderness spinning me like the damaged junkie I had become. Fuck. Whatever... we sat together and swilled a bit of wine, speaking about what I had asked of her. Ellie stopped short with a hand to her mouth and apologized for walking out of my room and leaving me without relief from the tension within. I gently told her it was fine because I was no teenager. It was a part of life, and no disappointment was felt. Smiles. Wine. The conversation about my feelings and her understanding continued, dotted here and there with pauses, hands caressing, and kissing. The subject of us being physical arose again, with Ellie revealing that her desire matched mine, but we needed to ease into that area. Ease in? Oh my... visions of writhing and moaning flew through me again. Damn. She also asked when I was leaving Vegas, and I replied that my plan was no plan whatsoever. I would have flown hours earlier but strongly needed to remain on my own and far from those with whom I was familiar. Ellie smiled and stated that she wished to spend as much time together as possible. I also poured out meeting Julie and the fact that such a vixen was enticing. The response was clear... one or the other, so once again I would cease contact with yet another cocktail server. That was not a problem due to Ellie being so wonderfully open to us. More wine and no food. And then...

'We can have something delivered to your room, ok?'
'Absolutely.'

The hour was still fairly early, thank the maker. We sat there discussing everything for quite a while before strolling hand-in-caressing-hand back upstairs. Through the door where Ellie spun and locked her lips to mine again. When she let go, I heard...

'Place me however you wish and look all you want.'



451

Jesus



After lifting my fucking jaw off the floor I did just that, beginning with her standing -- arms up -- and allowing me to do the undressing. The blood slammed me forcefully and I moved her to the sofa and sat. I posed her in various ways, attempting to take in her dimensions and drooling over the blue. Ellie was perhaps five foot six without shoes, thin, yet full of the curves I constantly sought. I looked everywhere and lightly touched her thighs from time to time, thus causing her to warm up. Breathing... haphazard; hands touching mine; eyes enflamed. Still, my clothing stayed on, as did her lingerie. To the bed, and on all fours, knees together. Then prone with one knee pulled far up. I stared and needed to touch her ass so badly that I asked. She relented quickly and I did as I pleased, dutifully avoiding her intimate area. Smooth skin, gorgeous cheeks, tapered back. Thigh highs with straps matching the blue thong. Jesus. I traced my obsession up and down her inner thighs and then needed to back away. Bra straps gleaming, my head spinning. After I took her in completely, she sat up and kissed me, requesting some dinner. Jesus fucking Christ, I had to cool the jets. I asked Ellie to redress for the meal and she made a show of it. Damn it, the heroin was inches away from my yearning vein, but nada. And that was a good choice. Ellie was so kind and caring, meaning I wanted to make her happy and leave it all in her hands. Little did I know, that gorgeous kitten had other plans. Oof. Could I be smart? Fuck no. I was too weak, too addicted, and far too broken up. I felt like a tumbling space capsule flying apart in the desert. Pieces everywhere.

God damn was Ellie ever fucking beautiful.

The room service idea was nixed in favor of maintaining a little physical distance and avoidance of me becoming a machine bent upon devouring her. We cruised into the Delmonico with the cash I just won hours earlier. Jennifer was behind the bar and greeted me by name. Yikes! Ellie inquired of that moment with one Spock eyebrow raised. She playfully asked how many women I had tried to attach to my body, and we both laughed. I told her I was pretty fucked up and common sense had fled weeks earlier (years, really). We sat and enjoyed two Juleps and then were seated in a booth. The fucking Delmonico is top notch and has been from the beginning. We shared everything, made goo goo eyes at each other, and in the end I dropped four hundred of the casino's own money back into the house. The check plus a one-hundred percent tip. Back to the bar, a bit of a cordial, and then upstairs with my brain between her soft, shapely thighs. All the fucking way. Upon entering, Ellie dropped her heels and relaxed on the sofa, where a short time earlier I had her cups right in my face. Shit. She twirled her lovely hair and wished to ask some things of me. I sat on the opposite end and she immediately said, 'bullshit, come here.' Wow. I slid across and she hit the floor and removed my shoes. Back up next to me with legs across my lap. We spoke. In the process she learned more about me while exploring my hands and arms. Naturally, I had become hotter than the hubcaps of hell during our conversation, and the blood hit its maximum. Ellie noticed -- of course -- and told me she was very flattered that I desired her to such an extent. She then destroyed my clear thinking by informing me that she would be happy to alleviate the built-up tension in my mind and elsewhere. Holy fucking crap in a bowl of rice... that was unexpected. As soon as I could pry my jaw from the floor for the second time, I thanked her and told her I was also very worried. Ellie sweetly said we had lots of time. Off her delicious ass, to the phone, wine incoming. Nice! I sat there and incredulously tried to understand everything. Within moments I switched off the analysis and tried to rest my thoughts. Ellie... holy God. Wonderful, in every way. That kitten was quickly becoming much more than her gorgeous body. And for me to succeed in leaving the vein unscathed? That was unbelievable.



453

Narrow, tapered... a map of my brain



We spoke quietly together for a while longer when the booze arrived. Ellie trotted to the door while I headed into the bathroom to cool the hell off. Some water on my face with trembling hands, and a glance at myself in the mirror. What I saw was frightening in one way, and beautiful in another. I actually complimented myself on the difficulty in exercising self-control with Ellie. She had told me that my enormous appreciation for female beauty was not deviant or disturbing in any way. It was dreamy, wondrous, and special. She called me unique and deep-thinking, and she saw my desire as beautiful and gentle. Huh? Geez. Wine and a loving smile from Ellie the kitten. I calmed and sat, followed by her bringing that flaming body in for a big hug. I loved it. She was so very soft and kind, again reminding me of Juliette's endless compassion. Ellie was younger by nearly ten years, but the wisdom was there regardless. I tried to keep my eyes north of her unmentionables when she addressed me. Not fucking easy. Knowing that I was allowed to look her over in any manner imaginable flooded my thoughts with the fact that she was completely sans hair below the eyebrows and those inner thighs were mine for the taking. As for the rest of her? Fuck, I needed to inject her little tenderness into my waiting druggie vein. I simply obsessed over it above all of life. My life? Focused beyond belief.

More wine. I felt it deeply and pushed back. Ellie told me of her sweet willingness to give me pleasure and ease my desire. That sent me flying and there was no real hurry. The night was still a bit young. We spoke further, kissed a bit, and inside I was beginning to feel pressure to leave Vegas and run away from that never-ending slough of beautiful women and be truly alone. Like... no one at all. Nothingness, everywhere. The desert? Death Valley? Oh God no, too many memories of Juliette telling me that she loved me. The Salton Sea? No fucking way. The Brunette had that one locked up for the duration. That was another woman who allowed me carte blanche all the fucking time. So, where? Into a bridge abutment? A river? The ocean? Ugh. All of it was just ugh. Right next to me was a person of tremendous caring and understanding, and one willing to indulge me in every way. Why did I feel like fleeing again? Fear of feelings developing? Maybe. Perhaps the solitude could get things in my head organized? Or did I simply need to die? All of it? Again... maybe. Ellie read the shit on my face and grabbed hold. And I mean tightly. She whispered her caring into my ear and that caused the tears to begin. And then they flowed like the mighty, muddy Stanislaus in spring. Over the fucking banks with unstoppable force and unrelenting power. My wrecked inner self came out and was on full display before that poor girl's eyes. She tasted my tears and whispered that she knew I would fall at some point -- she fucking knew through my eyes projecting the sadness of a lifetime. Ellie latched, teared up, and stayed through the latest of my series of breakdowns. Soulful, warm and wonderful.

The kitten finally slowed the flood with her calming manner and held me as if I was a wounded child. I told Ellie that the entire affair was of my own doing, but she would have none of it. She stated clearly that I was a person above all other things, and my feelings were both valid and understandable. Sound familiar? I told Andrea the same -- nearly verbatim -- just days earlier in Florida. Ellie was very sweet in her wording, and quite relaxing up against me. By that point in the evening my sexual desire was nonexistent which left me a blubbering pile of mush. She pulled me off the sofa, undressed me to the boxers, dropped her own clothing to the lingerie, and slid us onto the bed. Warmth. Comfort. Eyes of concern. Sex? Not so much. We spoke more about the nature of love and sex, stability and desire, all the while sipping the rest of the wine and lying mostly still. Just hands and eyes. I glanced here and there, mostly looking at her hip and the thong strap splitting it horizontally, the beautiful blue contrasting her skin. I looked to her chest, seeing nipples poking slightly through the satin, and asked if she needed to warm herself. Under the covers, lights dimmed, and I found enough peace to fall asleep. Some time later I awakened to Ellie curled up against me and gently breathing. The quiet was nice, as was her skin connected to mine. I had forgotten completely about her kind offer to do more than kiss, and by the middle of the night the idea was gone. I wrapped her in my arms and goodnight.



458

Mine



In the morning I milled around the room a bit while the kitten slept. I glanced over from time to time and she did not stir for nearly an hour. During that time I sat and jotted down a few words regarding things we had discussed at dinner. Words to keep in mind, little daily goals to keep myself up, and ideas for averting me falling (read: jumping) off a cliff before the fact. I even remembered Lanie and her therapeutic techniques from years earlier and recorded what I could, along with more recent therapy at home. The quiet was nice, with snippets of Ellie's beauty popping into my head often. Her little ass was there under only a sheet, on her side, and as much as I needed to go stare, I knew it would only cause harm. Back to the notes. Candy out of my head.

'Good morning.'
'Hello again kitten.'

Ellie rose in her blue loveliness and greeted me with a hug. She wished to have breakfast, and asked that I take a trip to her car and retrieve her bag of clothes. The fuck? She planned to spend the night? I thought it just happened. Wow. I dressed and did as she asked. When I returned, Ellie had showered and sat there with robe and a towel on her head. I wanted to shower with her, but still I knew that being completely nude in front of each other may have been premature, if it was going to happen at all. She told me to clean up so we could head across the boulevard to find something cozy. I again obeyed her wishes with the hope that I could keep her by my side as long as possible. Afterward when I emerged from the bath mostly dressed, Ellie was sitting awaiting time in front of the mirror. Her outfit was holy fuck... stretch pants, sleeveless buttoned blouse, bra straps visible, cleavage, tons of silky hair. She was in all black, no stockings. I gazed at her legs which looked even more aligned with my needs. Thighs of Andrea, ass of Ashley. Oy, she wanted breakfast? The kitten WAS breakfast. Heh. Into the bathroom she trotted to make herself pretty for me (too late!). I gave her the room and turned to see an absolutely gorgeous ass gyrating in the opposite direction. Fucking hell, the desire made a slight return as my head descended into her delicious nether regions. I sat and daydreamed awaiting the green light to head out. And that felt like hours, although in reality was a mere twenty minutes or so. Ellie came to me with heels in hand, smiled and gave me a slow, sensual kiss, and then whispered that after breakfast she wanted me. I immediately became so dumbfounded that I failed to conjure any response. She smiled and told me she needed food soon. Out the fucking door with my brain being wrung out like an oversized beach towel that had been doused in the sea. Fuck.

Breakfast at the Bellagio was a chunk of cash, but I cared not. The time was so very nice and Ellie loved being with me. She looked so beautiful that I wanted to take her home. On the way back we were touching each other constantly. I felt so close to her heart after so much taking place the night before. Ellie was so tremendously open to meeting with me in the first place, too. In First Food & Bar she was strictly professional but outside oh so sweet and caring. Such a good person with whom to open myself completely. Blind fucking luck that she was so gorgeous, and after the dream, the doll and the angel, quite the slender chance. Along we walked, every now and then pausing to kiss and me seeing her eyes with heat. By the time we reached the elevator, she was rubbing my pants and slobbering all over my neck. Good God, what had I done? Was there guilt over Andrea? The Brunette? Anything? Not really, because what I so desperately needed was the inside of her heart combined with the inside of her underwear. The heroin never ceased its pull upon me with Ellie's tender parts right fucking there. And we were at the threshold of dreamy, heated passion. Through the door slowly with her trying to walk forward and kiss me simultaneously. Jesus. Once inside, she slowed the pace and gave me some room. We then embraced for several moments, all wandering hands and meeting eyes, and then she stepped back and spoke...

'Now you can have me.'

Oh, God."



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-- Napoleon Bonaparte


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