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The Prime Material Plane

VIII - The Glideslope

alert   Mature content     No. 437    Published February 2nd, 2025 8:18am pst       read ( words)     Past entries

"Tuesday... My birthday. Marvelous. I had a nice lunch yesterday despite some errant issue nearby that caused a massive traffic jam. I don’t know what happened, but the mall parking lot that leads to the restaurant I chose was absolutely snarled. From one end to the other took roughly twenty minutes, during which time I saw several police cars, fire trucks, and some private security officers blocking off an entire section of the area. It caused tons of cars to be rerouted around one building and then back toward the exit. I eventually made it to the rear of the mall, but wow did that take some time. I still have no idea what happened over there. At least the soft seat at the bar was available. Really good food; super nice bartender (a tiny, adorable Asian girl named Kayla with a wonderful work ethic). I believe today would have been better, though, because that restaurant has forty televisions and several of them were tuned to the CFP National Championship, meaning there was a large contingent of fans in the place. Moreover, yesterday was a holiday and I didn’t factor such a notion into the idea of heading out for a while. Today is a business day, so the place is most likely going to be pretty quiet. They didn’t have my favorite salad, either. Well, it may have simply changed names, but my memory going back four-plus years is less than reliable. That was the last time I sat there for lunch. And just like the previous Saturday, on the return trip we slid into the old bar again. Last night’s visit was much less crowded and far quieter than two days earlier. There wasn’t much going on... Mellow music; some conversation. No big deal. The entire affair was ok, I guess, although near my barstool (at a right angle thanks to the corner) at the first location was a girl whose face resembled the Raven. That was interesting and did not cause me all sorts of distress. I took it in stride, and that’s considering the fact that I was daydreaming about her thighs and vulva during at least half of the visit. Shoot me. I don’t fucking care. I’ve already been through plenty and have zero to lose anymore, plus the blackness is causing me a mass of pain on two fucking fronts thanks to Julia. Speaking of that beautiful, ridiculous woman, we shall return to her very soon. God damn that girl was beautiful. The only positive to gazing at her on and off – the couple was there when I arrived, left, and then returned to the bar in the space of my visit – was the fact that her pants looked ridiculous. I don’t understand fashion these days. Well, except for dressing comfortably, I suppose. Had she been wearing something different, my head would be in far worse shape than it is right now.

‘Damn it, this hurts.’
‘I know. I’m sorry, but your thoughts are out of control.’
‘So what?’
‘Were you considering her?’
‘No. I was dreaming of Her.’
‘Time for blackness.’

I did it again, but I don’t see what the fucking problem is. I know what I was thinking. I also know what I did because I remembered and pictured everything. Julia has put me here due to two situations I’ve described, and now she apparently has an issue with everything that went through my head yesterday at lunch. Great. That is just what I needed. The Raven’s face was a rarity due to her lineage, and whenever I see a woman who appears to be similar, my head goes straight into the past, into her pants, and all the way around the fucking globe with desires up the wazoo. I can’t fucking help it. Ten years is a long time to dream about a person, as well. The changing calendar is not helping me, although I’m quite certain that Julia’s problem is the fact that the way I think at present as opposed to when first being tossed to the negative material plane has worsened and become much more dangerous. In short, I did it before, and given the correct alignment of circumstances, would do it again. I know that is dead wrong, too. I know plenty, in fact. Her issue on this topic is justified, but at the same time I can’t be expected to function like a real person with balance and common sense. When I see something, there is immediate desire. The tap root did that, not me. And if anyone believes the control is up to yours truly, they need a fucking object lesson, and that includes the woman who has just relocated me to a place of pain. Everything hurts, from front to back, and she did it to punish me. There can be no doubt. Moreover, I am still dreaming of certain moments and scenes, not the least of which involves the girl who resembled Her. Damn it... I don’t see an avenue that will satisfy Julia enough to get me out of the blackness again. Maybe I can keep thinking about what took place. That might help. I already realize that the way I think would not be accepted by many. I also know enough to leave my lines of thinking outside the purview of everyday conversation. The woman with the gorgeous hands the other night was rather an exception because I was not alone, however nothing came of it due to being understood by several other people. They know I have a bit of a height fetish (not really a fetish per se, but still a huge pull upon my senses), so whenever something fascinating enters my field of view I speak of it, and even more if I am introduced to the person. As for the bar, I believe those daydreams are why I am being punished again. The bad part is that Julia’s actions cannot change the way I think. Not a chance. The tap root can’t be cut, dug up and removed, or otherwise killed with chemicals. All this time I thought Julia was on my side with regard to the past, but here I am floating and in pain rather than just occupying the blackness again. Apparently, she doesn’t care what I fucking feel. I have not lied or otherwise veered from the truth, either. She is a fabrication from my own mind, meaning she knows everything I do, plus can empathize with whatever type of situation we may discuss. I am not a bad person, damn it, and she needs to fucking let up for a while so I can think.

Floating. Nothing from her. Marvelous.

I am beginning to think along the lines mentioned before. I am referring to having become almost completely disillusioned with this process. Back and forth; from one eerie place to another. Every now and again there is some comfort provided, but each occasion ends prematurely and without warning, always leaving me in this dark place, alone with my thoughts. What good has come of any of this shit? I feel worse now than ever before and I don’t understand why Julia continues to ask that very same question. I’ve had two ideas of what she wants, yet neither is appealing. One is impossible. The other is very unlikely. I just don’t know what to do anymore and see no avenues that can lead to an alteration of the way I view and feel about beauty. Worse... Always one day worse than the last. This downhill slide reminds me of the approach at different airports when I was young, mostly the longer paths, such as what was home base for my grandfather's airplane. He was very adept at following the glideslope and taught me every aspect of getting the aircraft from the approach to the runway safely. I miss those trips, and mostly when he took me to Tahoe. We did that on more occasions than I can count anymore.

Perhaps Julia’s never-ending question changes each time I am in this world. I can’t be certain, but the first was fairly clear... I was forced to face one of the situations that shaped me into this mess. The second and possibly beyond that was the idea of me forgiving those responsible for the two situations that developed many years ago. I believe Julia has given up on that plan because I’ve stated in no uncertain terms that dealing with those people in any manner aside from disdain and anger is just not going to happen in this life. The latest incarnation of her question seems to be on the subject of altering the way I think when I see something special (read: beautiful). I don’t see that happening, either. Too much has transpired over the years and left me unable to change. My feelings only intensify with the passage of time. The distractions that have occurred from time to time can only capture my attention for so long before I end up tossed into the throes of desire again, and the effects have become cumulative. I still don’t understand why the world – my fucking real-life world and not this fabrication – has developed in such a fashion. Julia may not be able to help with that one. I don’t see anything positive coming from this process, and as I’ve already mentioned, my disillusionment continues to grow. I don’t believe this will be my last trip to the blackness, pain notwithstanding. Thanks, babe... And go fuck yourself. I was already in enough pain before she put me here.

‘I’m sorry, but you need to be clear.’
‘Fuck off, bitch.’
‘I expect more from you.’
‘Get used to disappointment.’

Ahh... Everything eased a bit. That’s much better. I guess my anger toward her handling of this situation helped. Not bad. I still have a head full of far too much desire and desperation, but at least if I am left to dangle here in the nothingness, I can do it more comfortably. My head keeps going back to the most recent images of beauty to which I’ve been exposed during this week, mostly the all-encompassing and very powerful desire that hit me in the face when I saw that girl by the horse trailer. Some traits will draw my attention like a gun, and she had everything. I wanted her immediately, yet I don’t feel bad about my desire because no one fucking knows about it. No one. How can they know unless I communicate as much? I am again reminded of the glideslope... This slow descent into oblivion. Each switch from one location to another takes a little bit more out of me, and none of it can return, refresh or be rebuilt. Once gone, that is that. Further down, much like the aforementioned approach to the runways many years ago when my grandfather and I were flying his plane. And yes, I was the copilot, learning each step of the way. Now? I am learning that the glideslope ends in disaster rather than a smooth landing. A crash is imminent. Only the timing is unknown. Julia’s question may be related to me taking the controls and guiding myself out of this shit. Doing so may be far beyond my ability anymore. The need has become to fucking great in these late days. At least I am not feeling pain anymore. Wait a minute... Was the pain supposed to be a reminder? When I saw that girl the other day, I felt immediate physical desire which led to the typical dull ache that runs deep inside from front to back. Was Julia’s point to slam me with the knowledge that if I can’t rein in my feelings there will be a future full of the same? How in the holy blue fuck am I supposed to turn off the desire when I see beauty, especially considering the way I’ve been treated and neglected for so long? That woman is off her fucking rocker if she honestly believes I have any control over those powerful feelings. Fuck me, I don’t know what to think. If Julia’s plan was indeed meant to force me into recalling the far past, she needs to understand that not a fucking day goes by without the same taking place inside my body. Not a single fucking day. Eh... There is nothing I can do about her intentions. I may as well just give up completely. Um... Haven’t I already given up?

‘No.’
‘What the fuck do you want me to do?’
‘Think. Relive. Understand.’
‘You took severe issue with the way I think, and now it’s something else?’
‘Everything is related. Think.’

Marvelous. God damn her, anyway. I already know of the relationship between the past and present and what I have become as a result, so more thinking is going to accomplish what, exactly? No answers, like always. I will see more, fall on my stupid face again, and then feel the pain. I don’t need Julia for that to transpire. I just need to see something special for the process to play out. Here on the prime material plane, nothing is the same except what she just put me through when I was again thrown into the blackness. That was unfair, plain and simple. I am at a loss for the millionth time. Shit. I need to get out of this for a while...



01


Wednesday, 1327 in the afternoon. Where have I been all morning?

The day has progressed, and thanks to so many meals at restaurants this week, the daily routine was quite simple. There has not been any cooking in my kitchen for five days. Heh. I finally removed the tree and was able to sweep the entire living room. That is nice. I have yet to reconfigure the furniture, but after lunch I can take care of that along with a few logistical points related to the new storm door which arrived yesterday. Since this is my ‘birthday week’, the plan is to embrace my very large audio system in the garage while working there and on the door preparations. The city wasteline project has been creeping up our street since yesterday. Whether or not those guys working out there will appreciate some music is beyond me, however my mood is marginal, meaning they’ll have to just live with it. My driveway is very long, as well, and that contributes to the music carrying across the street and beyond whenever the volume is fairly high.

Later. I spent a little time on the front entry – cleaning and filling screw holes because the jamb and trim were never painted – and took care of some prep work on the new door. Music followed along, naturally. I also saw one of the most gorgeous Amazon drivers ever, and thankfully she did not deliver anything here. Oy, that could have been very bad for a desperate, weakened individual like myself. I am expecting a delivery this afternoon, just not from that company. Ah... It’s here. Nice. That was impeccable timing. A signature and huge box later and my car is in the garage. Not bad. The rest of the day will not amount to much. I can’t go further with the door until tomorrow because everything needs to dry. I’ll probably take it easy this afternoon until the time comes to make dinner preparations. I don’t know what else to do.

Wednesday is gone, only to be replaced with Thursday. The work in the street has continued this morning. They are heading up the nearest court and will be moving past this house tomorrow according to the foreman (I spoke to him yesterday). Very nice guy. The project should be seven days in all. I don’t mind. I have my coffee and one of my favorite programs on the right-hand display. I need to head outside and check out the progress. That type of work is pretty interesting to someone such as myself.

Wow... Everything is going at the same time; breaking up the asphalt (which shook the floor in my office), digging it out and loading a truck, and then further up the street the new pipe is being pulled through the old one as it splits under hydraulic pressure. Fascinating. I believe they pull the new line through to the end and then make the required connections to laterals from each home. The only downside was a fucking shapely goddess strolling out of the court that sent my brain on a high-speed journey from engineering to sex. Damn it. As I’ve stated on multiple occasions, though, there will always be something. I just never know when such wondrous beauty is going to cruise through my field of vision. I didn’t need that shit today. Fuck me in a pair of jeans, that woman was stunning and moving along via a beautiful gait. Always something. Another notch completed. The glideslope continues, unimpeded. I just hope the angle does not increase. That could be very bad right now. I am barely hanging on these days.

The morning has progressed, meaning my routine is out of the way and I poured myself a nice, fat cocktail for reasons of good form. Well, reasons of depression, too. This has been my way of life for so long that I can barely remember the years in between now and the beginning of the pandemic when I ceased working full-time. Everything is blurry. On the upside, each and every day I thank my lucky stars that I did leave work and was able to forge a lifestyle in this little house. Regardless of all the trials, I still have lots of free time and can operate as I please on a daily basis. The construction in the court just came to a halt, and I suspect that the machinery pulling the new pipe and splitting the old one is off for the remainder of the day. They will probably proceed to connect all of the laterals and then backfill. The other crew has been digging and exposing all of the lines that connect to the main which leads past this house and up the street. If their schedule holds, they will most likely be running the new line from the present location at the corner to the west, past this house, and on to the next corner to the east. The pounding sound of the pneumatic puller has been echoing through the neighborhood for three-plus hours and I am certain there are people who don’t like it very much. Those are probably the same personality types who don’t give a shit about how wonderful it is to be able to flush the fucking toilet. As for me, I appreciate the work being done and don’t mind one bit if there is any noise or inconvenience. This is a huge improvement over the main line that’s been in the ground for the last seventy years. Heh. It’s fucking important and people need to understand that. Anyway, from here forward I will probably ponder lunch and then head to the porch to sand the door frame and trim. If the sunshine holds on for the day, I can probably apply two coats of paint. That would be ideal. Installing the door will come next and is very straightforward. The back door was a pain in the ass because some of the wood on the jamb is not in the best shape. The front opening is much newer and has not been subjected to as much weather damage. Tomorrow’s plan to visit the RV show might end up usurped in favor of installing the fucking door. Right now I just don’t know. The decision can wait, and I am fifty-fifty right now because I already know I will see something wonderful, shapely, and beautiful over there which will ruin my day. There is always another form; another fall from wherever I am at a given moment. And I will stare. And I will dream of her. And I will be just a little bit more fucked up than I am today. There is nothing I can do about it. This is akin to when I used to mention the ‘heroin’, except for the fact that if I had been addicted to such a narcotic for as long as I’ve been addicted to beauty, I’d be dead already. No more problems; no more dreams; no more heartache. I didn’t know. Maybe I should have.

Friday is not going to be what I had envisioned earlier this week. Yesterday went very badly after I attempted to find some agreeable food during the late afternoon. I can’t go into it, but suffice to say that each and every step which were to occur throughout the remainder of this week have all been canceled, and that includes the RV show today. I put the fucking kibosh to everything because I need time to myself, time away from other people – no restrictions at preset, unlike the previous occurrence – and the space to do what I want. Bothering me for pretty much anything right now is not a good idea. I am in rare form and simply need to work within myself and not for other people.

The work on the street has begun for the day. I believe they will be pulling the new line directly in front of this house in a little while. That will be interesting. Noisy, but interesting. Yesterday I was able to sand and paint the front jamb and trim, so it is ready for the new storm door. I may or may not get to the installation today. I just don’t know how I am going to feel after yesterday’s bullshit ending to the day. I am pleased with the pain and the appearance of everything, though. It’s much nicer than before. Right now I only wish to relax at the control center and sip my coffee for a while. After that, I just don’t know. There are plenty of items I can address, some enjoyable and others less so. I guess my disillusionment has finally hit a wall for a little while. At least I finished a big step prior to this fucked up condition. I suppose that’s better than nothing. No dinner last night means most likely an early lunch today, and probably here at home rather than someplace else. If my mood does not improve by the middle of the day, I don’t know what will happen. I am hoping to normalize soon so the world can appear at least a little bit brighter.

The work outside has begun. I can hear the big machine that pulls the new line through the soil and splits the old one. Very interesting. I don’t envy those guys for their job, either. I’ve done a fair share of underground work and it’s always quite taxing. They know what they’re doing, and the result will be everything improved for the houses in the neighborhood. As for me, I have no idea when I’ll feel like rising and taking care of some business around the house. Last night’s bullshit has faded and the mood is much improved, thank the maker. I guess this day will move along slowly regardless of what I decide to do. Last night I gave a specific ‘order’ for my partner to contact her parents and cancel the birthday dinner that was scheduled for tomorrow because as I said earlier, I really don’t want to be around anyone else for a while. I don’t feel well at all and need to find whatever comfort there is which can help me relax and think. Once again, I am very thankful for having the time and space to do whatever I wish in and around my typical daily responsibilities. Full-time work seems completely alien these days and I must remain mindful of the benefits inherent in my current situation at home.

Saturday. Everything that would have taken place today was canceled by yours truly two nights ago, and what I learned yesterday was that it’s not a big deal. My birthday means my wishes. That is fantastic. The feeling of my time being wide-open is very nice as opposed to concerning myself with the way others wish to spend the day. Yesterday ended up being very relaxing, as well. I remained home all day, watched the construction on the street, and enjoyed some decent food. After a restful night, I am ready to install the new storm door later when the sun is warm. There was a big fucking problem yesterday afternoon as three of us stood on my driveway to watch some of the steps being taken in the street. Huge problem, she was, complete with bouncing breasts and gyrating cheeks. A few minutes later, lo and behold another fucking goddess appeared out of nowhere and the two walked away together, all flowing hair and glowing skin. Damn. Did I talk about the incident? Nope. I can’t do that, ever. I simply drooled and then went on with my day because I have no choice in the matter these days. I can’t say anything. I can’t do anything. I can’t reach in any direction for help. I can’t understand why there is so much pain and torment when I see that type of woman. I just don’t get it, and that after more than ten years of trying to connect the dots in the hopes of relieving some of the pressure on my head. Small steps have been made, but that’s it. The prime material plane has forced additional small realizations, yet I keep returning there feeling just as shitty as when I left on the previous occasion. I don’t know what to do about this shit so I just keep living exactly the same way. No options; no ears; no help. As for this day, I will be working in and around the garage and front entry, meaning there could be other issues cruising by, especially if the sun shines all day as it has for the past few weeks. I guess all I can do is try to complete my work with as few problems as possible. Oh, and the planned RV show attendance that was to be yesterday might still happen either tomorrow or next Wednesday. I prefer the middle of the week to minimize the number of attendees, but I think either would be fine. I really don’t want to miss it despite changing my mind two days ago. I’ll regret the loss. And speaking of a loss, it's time to return to a place where I always end up on the losing end no matter what...



02


Damn. The glideslope... So painful. Julia’s question continues to loom in the still air, and I continue to ponder the overall meaning of this fucking place. I know some things... This and that. I know the way I think is problematic for her because it is the same for me, and as you may well know, Julia is a part of my mind, and that dates way the hell back to the beginning of the negative material plane. Sometimes I miss seeing those little scorpions with their tiny headphones. Heh. Not funny. At least that adventure ended ok for yours truly, whereas this one plods on and tries to pull deep feelings out of me so they can be splayed out for all to see. I can’t have that shit, ever, although I have touched upon a few very sensitive topics. I realize how fucked up my brain is these days. The more I see, the stronger and more desperate my desire, and each occasion sticks with me and piles on top of all the rest. The latest was just today... That pair of jeans that went from the court to the street. Damn it, she looked so incredible and moved in wondrous gyrations that sent my brain straight into those pants. None of it is surprising, either. None. I know what I’ve become and sometimes I do feel bad, but again, no one knows the sheer depth of my desire to be precisely where I need to be, and that is a place I’ve not been for many years. I can’t go into detail, but the truth is Julia is already aware of everything and will most likely take issue again very soon thanks to the fucking jeans and my eyesight. I seem to be on the losing end of life. The glideslope may be fixed for good. At least the pain is gone for the time being. I should be thankful that Julia let up on me in that way.

‘Yes, exactly. And you did it again.’
‘What do you expect?’
‘More of the same, and that is the reason you are still here, my love.’
‘Splendid. Thanks.’
‘Do you know what you have to do?’

Flash!

Rails again... I am at the controls of the same massive AC6000 and rolling along as if nothing has changed. Has anything changed? Have I made any breakthroughs? Ugh. I have no idea. The main problem with life has only worsened over the years, and no amount of locomotives, hotels or dioramas are going to help. I already know that one, damn it. Perhaps I should be thankful that Julia took the pain away. Maybe she will join me like the first time and we can make love right here on the seat. Yeah... Maybe not. That woman has not been pleased with me to say the least, so any hope of true comfort and wonder is absent. Shit. I am tiring of these trips through the fucking desert. Wait a second, I see that my rear camera is displaying a line of covered hoppers just like years ago. Oh, boy. Are they filled with parts of me again? I don’t want to know because the last trip during the severe Winter ended with me peering into just one of several, and what I found turned my stomach. And then? I died right there behind it with my head resting on the frozen rail. Repeating such a circumstance is not a pleasant consideration. Of all the breakdowns I’ve endured over the years, that death was the worst; even more difficult than the passenger car and the man who was that boy. The weather outside seems stable and appears to be much like last time. That's a positive. And I could use some fucking help in learning why she continues to place me in a locomotive with exactly zero clear information. I suppose the only path from here is to roll along and think. For whatever reason, I am always given ample time to consider this entire shitaree. I suppose I should be thankful for being allowed some space and time. The alternative is entirely up to her and not a pleasant thought. There is something in the distance. A signal bridge? Wait a minute... There are additional lines to my left (the west?). Two more sets of rails. Oh, and one to my right. What the hell? Am I approaching a yard? I hope there is not a fucking roundhouse and turntable ahead. The last one was very uncomfortable. Hmm, I am seeing a bridge, and my line is indicating ‘proceed’ while the others are red. At least there is nothing on this block or the next. I can cruise right through. Where did all those other tracks come from? This makes me a little bit uncomfortable. Thankfully, the weather seems just fine. I can’t see anything but rails on the far side of the signal bridge. Keep going? I have no idea what Julia has in mind this time. Ugh... I do not have control of the machine. My locomotive is slowing a bit, which probably means there will be something to see very soon. I guess I’ll sit back and keep my eyes open for the time being. Now that the signal bridge is behind me, I am again seeing open land and nothing else. Hmm.

I still don’t know what I ‘have to do’, but am beginning to believe it has something to do with the rampant, instantaneous desire I have been feeling whenever I see a beautiful form or face. Julia seems to be heading in such a direction, however I have no idea if or how to alter my lifestyle after all this fucking time. The girl that was near that horse trailer the other day looked so amazing that the switch in my head flipped immediately from simply appreciating her beauty to desperately needing to demonstrate my feelings for the way she looked, and by ‘demonstrate’ I mean something I’ve mentioned on several occasions. Her lines... Those wondrous and beautiful converging, diverging aspects of her thighs drew my desire like a fucking gun and I felt a strong need to see them very closely. Julia may not want me to think in such terms, although I can’t be certain because I believe many people form ideas in their heads which are never communicated out loud or to another person in any fashion. I honestly believe people have secrets that do not come to light for lack of necessity and/or reasons of sparing others’ feelings. Along those lines (not THOSE lines), there have been occasions involving my feelings when they came straight out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. Most of the time such behavior did not cause problems with another person due to me having been ‘understood’ for many years. My interests and obsession have been well-known by several people, meaning on those occasions when I spouted words regarding some errant woman’s form, the situation never went anywhere negative. Only one woman indicated that my wandering eyes made her uncomfortable, but soon after something like that took place, I gained information that indicated she was being hypocritical. Nothing ever really came of it, so I have not altered my lifestyle for her or anyone else since, nor will I ever. The incident in question was nearly fifteen years ago and doesn’t amount to a hill of beans on a pile of dirt. Even if Julia keeps me traveling from one plane to another and finds creative ways to punish me for what she perceives as wrong, I don’t believe there is a fucking thing I can do about it. I just have to go with the flow, as it were. This locomotive is a prime example of her having absolute control over my situation here. Regardless of how upset or insolent I may become, she is one hundred percent in charge. I have resisted in the past and it led nowhere good. I usually end up floating in the blackness as soon as desire enters my saturated brain. Not fun.

‘You are aware of my feelings regarding your eyes.’
‘Mostly.’
‘Well... You’ve done it again and I am not happy.’
‘I can’t help it, for fuck’s sake.’
‘Think. You have time.’

Great. I have time, she says. And I know what the fucking eye problem is... Staring, which quickly leads to everything else Julia believes I need to avoid or change. The process is so fucking quick that I don’t even have time to consider different options other than the automatic engagement of my strongest feelings of need and desire. The whole fucking world shuts off and is tossed aside for those few seconds as waves of pain and loss wash over me just before the sight disappears and I fall down in the realization that there is probably nothing of the sort in the world for me. Julia can’t do anything about that because I can’t, and she is a part of me. I just don’t know what to say. If I am being asked to avoid looking at those gorgeous women, Julia is going to be disappointed beyond belief. I have never been able to avoid looking unless there are extenuating circumstances, meaning the situation might hurt or irritate a person. Just because I am all fucked up doesn’t mean I have free reign to point my eyes at someone and make them uncomfortable. This shit is not their fault. Yes, I have the ability to look away. The problem is if there is no danger of harm, I will continue to stare until there is nothing left to see, all the while daydreaming of lips, eyes, labia, and everything in between. Too much time has passed and I am too far gone.

‘Your restraint is commendable.’
‘Oh, fuck off, woman. Leave me alone.’

I also know there is another problem that she has not spelled out due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter. We can converse about that topic inside rather than here on the plane. There is no other way to address that shit in a manner consistent with safety. That is all.



03


Yes, I gazed and drooled. I stared at her as much as possible while respecting others. No one caught my eye. I’ve become a master of looking around without issue. That is not a positive trait, either. It’s the opposite, and something I think about each and every day of this sordid life. I often feel guilty, but then again I sometimes remain just fine because the only person being hurt is myself. Yesterday’s incident was a little bit different than the typical shit I feel, as well, yet I don’t wish to detail the entire affair. The fact is I felt very strongly – almost as much as when I saw the other one near the horse trailer – and my reaction can probably be defined as a ‘high’ just before a massive ‘crash’. I know all of this is wrong. I’ve known for years. I just haven’t found more than one way out of such a situation, the key being a solution I would rather not apply in reality, yet one which has taken place here in the netherworld on so many occasions that I can’t even begin to count. If reality played out like this world, I’d probably be able to find relief, or at least more comfort than I’ve felt in years. Is needing comfort wrong? I don’t think so. Staring is partly wrong. I know that. My need to see as much as possible has grown exponentially during the past few years, and the extent of that need is the reciprocal of what I have actually experienced throughout the same fucking period. There. That should make sense. I miss it and can’t even remember how it feels to be in such situations. I can’t fucking remember the feelings. Doesn’t that sound terrible? It does to me. I may as well die whenever the mood strikes because my brain has traveled back through waves of time and emotion to a period prior to being hurt or where I need to be. This is not good. And that statement may sound funny to some, but let me tell you it comprises more pain and anger than anything else in life. Make no mistake – and Julia will not like this one – the next time someone trivializes my words or condition will be the last time. One way or another I will eliminate the problem. Decades. Circumstances. Routing. Squishing. Reckless disregard. Sum all that shit. That is why I fucking stared at that little goddess on the street the other day. For my behavior to change, a very specific, unique and unlikely set of circumstances would need to converge in the near future. I don’t see it, so here I am cruising the rails and watching the glideslope carry me to the end once and for all. Some days I want it and nearly resign myself to simply having lost in life overall, while on other days I still feel the need to move along and see what happens. I know many things, but what I cannot know is what may take place in the future. I gazed and drooled; imagined her in different positions, smiling the entire time. No, I wasn’t the one smiling, she was. My brain is very adept at creating whatever I desire, and very quickly. Seconds passed and we were together. Seconds later, I wanted to die. I cannot and will not entertain the idea of another person minimizing everything I’ve been living through for years. I will not. No fucking way. If that means I must be further detached from others, so be it. And I will fucking stare again regardless of the feelings of pain and loss.

I am still rolling along slowly and seeing three other sets of rails beside me. The weather remains stable and the tracks straight. I have no idea of what is going to come along if this machine continues on its way. The controls are apparently no longer mine to operate, and that means all I can do is sit here and think. The hum and vibration of that massive 6000-horse engine behind me that is driving the trucks feels rather soothing. I guess that’s a good thing considering where I could be right now if Julia flashes this world again. Floating in pain and blackness is not appealing at all. The locomotive is comfortable, stable, and gives me a sense of power, even if controlling it is unavailable. This is fine for the time being. I am reminded of visiting the yard in Grand Blanc on that wonderful occasion when the office phone rang as we spoke with the engineer and his partner. We were informed that the BOC plant needed a ‘switch’, and then were invited to ride along. I told that story in the other world some years ago, I believe, so I won’t belabor the fucking thing. The key point is that the locomotive is so heavy that it does sway from side to side a bit while rolling at low speed. That sensation reminds me of the switch at the plant all those years ago which marked the first and only time I was ever actually in a diesel-electric locomotive while it was running. Now? All this shit is not real, of course, but the feeling inside me is the same regardless of reality or whatever else that drives it. This big machine has been my home on and off for a very long time and is always nice on at least one level. I need to remember that things could be very different right now, and I am not referring to floating or any other sort of punishment. I am speaking of the way Julia crafts these situations in order to show me the past or otherwise bring up emotions and scenes that may have the ability to bring my head back in time so it can realize the gradient and possibly help itself. I may feel pretty bad right now, but at least I am here. I must remain mindful of the little positives, much like in the real world.

The worlds seem to be bleeding into each other again, this netherworld is in my head regardless of life, and reality is so disillusioning that the prime material plane has become a place I'd often rather be on a given day. That is some fucking sad commentary.

I am seeing things in the distance, finally. My speed is barely twenty-five, so none of what is out there is growing very quickly. Something... Off to the side? The left? And the right. Hmm... On the other lines, yet still there are no turnouts. I wonder if I am going to encounter more hoppers. Shit, I hope not because the first run of a train in the netherworld ended with me full of questions. None of them were ever answered, and I already have a line of rolling stock behind me. Does that mean more fucking questions? Ugh. Ah... I see now. There is a passenger train on the line to the west, and a freight train to the east. I don’t see hoppers, only gondolas. Maybe that’s a good thing. Wow... The passenger train is fairly short – one E8A and an E8B; twin locomotives from many years ago – and just three cars, whereas I can’t even begin to see the lead of the freight units. They go on to the horizon. I wonder why there is so much rolling stock out here in the middle of nowhere. Hmm. What does Julia have in mind? Or is this just a static scene, perhaps? I am still rolling along at twenty-five with no end in sight. Very interesting. I guess I have to go with the flow right now. Nothing else is happening. I really don’t want to continue analyzing her problem with the way I think. I don’t see a way out of that situation because too many years have passed and my perception of beauty is completely skewed, even from how I viewed such things during the fateful aughts. That was bad; this is worse. As the years fly by, my brain processes imagery and people just like long ago, yet my conclusions, desires and dreams continue to distort and are so far out of whack that I can’t even begin to understand, nor do I wish to know what may be on the horizon. There can be no end to this journey. Well, the one inside my head, anyway. I am losing sight of the point of trying to understand the way I think. I can only consider what made me into this mess in the first place. In fact, the latter is actually easier because I still have very painful memories of the two situations that played out long ago. I remember everything as if it was yesterday. If Julia persists, I’ll most likely end up pushing back, and as you well know, the penalty box accomplishes precisely nothing anymore. I will come out the other side exactly the same. Marvelous. I suppose since I have no control here, I’ll try to understand the scene before me.

I’ve spent time in two passenger cars. The first was horrible and the second, terrible... Being addressed by those seven women all with first names beginning with the letter ‘J’, my favorite of all the alphabet. Each and every one of them was a part of me. No shit. The scene in that car was fraught with nausea and other physical discomfort, all of which directly related to the first shit situation almost forty-five years ago. Jesus. I really don’t need that kind of intervention again, believe me. Awful. As for the first car, the scene which played out was most likely designed to help me face the first shit situation and find some relief. Well, in the long run it did not work. Julia helped me get to that car and then took care of me afterward, yet she created the whole fucking situation in the first place. Knowing she was responsible for trying to help me shut down the past and move forward still has me very appreciative, but at the same time I have not let it go. I can’t. The reminders are daily. The second passenger car was both beautiful and horrifying as I realized Jaime was there with her color-changing eyes and loving manner plus Justine was present to inform me that my life had gone awry. All those representations were beautiful, in fact, yet they all made me sad as each revealed their individual connections to my psyche. I really didn’t like either situation. Seeing a passenger train to the left of my line is not helping me relax, damn it. The notion of being inside one of those cars and faced with trauma is frightening. The freight train, on the other hand, holds its own share of apprehension. The hoppers were never fully realized, and one of them crippled me with a sight I can never forget. As I look to the east, the long line of gondolas – there must be at least three units present, meaning three-plus locomotives – has me at sixes and sevens as to what they may contain. The desert outside sucks out loud and right down to the ground, I am sorry to say. I’d rather see a fake fucking hotel with a slew of bars and restaurants. Nope. Even that backward scene at the Dracorum would be a pleasant change over this worrisome, uncertain bullshit. Ugh... Maybe my experience will improve at some point if I behave myself. Getting angry will not help at this point in time.

Slower. The light is dimming as my locomotive begins to head slightly west, perhaps to run alongside the passenger liners. Hmm. Maybe Julia really is going to show me something. I remember all those big machines in the roundhouse, each with its own engineer; a woman from my past visible just beyond the driver's windshield in each and every cab. The passenger liners have windows that run the length of each car, meaning if there are going to be images, I really don't want to know how many. Curve; straight; curve again. I am alongside the passenger train and can now see that the dining cars are full of well-dressed, happy people. Are they from the past? I don’t understand. Cruising the rails in the old style is something of which I have dreamed for a very long time. Seeing it happening and watching those individuals enjoying the lavish nature of such a trip is really not going to help me. I see no beauty close enough to cause problems, however, and perhaps I should be thankful for that shit. The locomotive is slowing. I can now see the engines that are pulling the six passenger liners... Beautiful. Slower now; I am beside the E8B and its mighty diesel that commands whatever space it may inhabit. Such power; so amazing. The liners appear to all be for socializing and dining. There are no cabins or sleeping berths. This is very interesting, but at the same time I am reminded of visiting the railroad museum last spring and finding myself standing inside one of the decades-old coaches, drooling and dreaming the entire time. Why am I being exposed to this scene? Swinging my gaze to the right reveals a row of AC4000 locomotives that are pulling the gondolas, one in reverse and sandwiched between two others. That adds up to three units, possibly as many as seventy-five gondolas trailing behind. Wow. The passenger train is much shorter but no less mighty. Those coaches are beyond beautiful, and if I had a thousand years, I could never fully describe the way I feel when I see them or imagine such excursions.

‘That era is not over, just different.’
‘So what? I know that.’
‘You could have been there.’
‘The fuck?’



04


Reality awaits my attention.

I need to install the door today. Having hung the back unit means I have some experience with their instructions and the overall process. The front door should be fine once I get started. For the time being, I tossed some laundry into the machine and the last of the coffee is next to me here on the table. Once it is gone, I’ll take care of the very quick routine and then move on to something else. I must say that the dry nature of this month is very helpful in working around the house and shed, but the fact remains that California needs a fucking deluge on the souther end. The fires have destroyed plenty and displaced those poor people; rain would greatly help the firefighters’ efforts right now. Alas, the weather has been all fucked up for the last few seasons due to oceanic currents, temperatures, and the almighty climate changes. This is very bad, and along such lines, I recall something on the news recently that made it clear the California wildfire season is no longer just that, it is year-round. Rain would be ideal. Nope. We’ve had barely a drizzle since the outset of the new year. As I said, the weather helps me take care of this house, but given the choice, I will take the water every fucking day until the fires are completely out. There has been enough damage to people’s lives. My projects are completely insignificant in comparison, but I do need to move along with the process of helping maintain a more stable temperature inside so we can ease off using the furnace. Next up after the front storm door is to insulate the attic. That’s a big deal and will help dramatically.

Sunday morning is here. The drive was uneventful aside from a low-pressure warning light for one of my tires. I took a look and none of them appeared to be squeezed at the bottom, so I believe the light was due to nothing more than the pressure hitting the sensor limit. I can top them off later while working around the house and garage. I need to get out there later to finish the storm door sealant and trim. I hung the door yesterday, and as I suspected due to the frame being in much better condition than the back door, the process went very smoothly. Now I have to get used to seeing light from the front door when the inner door is open. Heh. Anyway, I can apply the sealant and snap the screw covers in place later when the weather is hopefully warmer. I also have the typical daily housework, garbage business and some dry cleaning to complete. No problem. The early morning was very strange because of an odd dream centered around my involvement with a few different programs at NASA some years ago. There was a banquet of sorts in honor of the crew of the HFFF after the successful launch of some mission about which I know nothing right now. I don’t understand. I was apparently late in arriving at the range, and when people saw me – fans of the space program, media and other guests – there was a sort of fanfare. I was being exalted for my role in the development of the testing program, mostly on the instrumentation side of things. There were food tables like a big buffet, lots of lighting everywhere, and tons of people holding champagne flutes. The scene was interesting and quite beautiful, yet for whatever reason I was very uncomfortable. I believe the celebration was after the date when I was laid off from that job, but my early involvement dictated that I could be a part of the affair. As I said, it was interesting, and not all the feelings were good. I knew I had been exited from the agency and once the party ended, I would head out the gate and back home, again feeling like a ‘nobody’. My heart was hurting and I had to struggle in order to appear gracious to those patting me on the back. Now I feel like shit over the entire dream. I don’t know where all that shit came from, but I do know I don’t need that type of thing in my brain these days. Getting back to my responsibilities today, I will probably take care of everything rather early so there is ample time to relax and reflect upon the dream and the reason why my subconscious decided to completely fuck me over this morning. Working around the house will likely help the dream fade and allow me to think clearly. Honestly, I’d rather dream about beauty and fulfillment instead of my past career. After leaving the agency, I stepped rather well into another opportunity that fell apart soon after, and to this very day – that career possibility was just under thirteen years ago – I still feel pain when thinking about it. I could have remained at that place quite literally until retirement. The fact that it all went bad was the product of more factors than I would care to lay out here right now, as well. The whole thing just fucking hurts my heart. The path was a dream, and now the path is gone, and the dream can never return. More of that shit during my sleep time is going to make me very angry. No one wants me angry, believe me. I am going to need the house and door work today if only to allow me to concentrate on something other than something beautiful that was destroyed before it ever had a chance to blossom. Fuck. Hmm... Maybe my chores today won’t be enough. I hope they can help, though. I really do, and mostly for the sake of those who have to deal with me.

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Etiam commodo maximus elit, vitae ullamcorper erat dictum in. Mauris condimentum eu lorem ac ullamcorper. Nulla nec convallis tortor. Quisque dictum lacinia enim, eget lobortis lorem pellentesque at. Phasellus euismod tempus tellus, eu commodo mi consectetur nec. Ut semper varius mauris id tristique. Nam accumsan pretium feugiat. Praesent cursus viverra imperdiet. Suspendisse feugiat scelerisque suscipit. Nam convallis ex sed purus sagittis pretium. Suspendisse faucibus felis id massa mattis sagittis. Integer lacinia feugiat varius. In volutpat mollis ante a accumsan. Nulla sit amet urna fringilla, pretium ipsum sed, dignissim est. Nullam quis dui semper, commodo neque eu, fermentum metus. Integer quam ipsum, viverra condimentum eleifend vitae, auctor nec nisl. Nullam id faucibus nisl. Integer molestie pretium fermentum. Ut sollicitudin eleifend interdum. Sed non lectus eget augue posuere vestibulum. Curabitur suscipit diam id ex tincidunt fermentum. Aliquam nibh justo, luctus quis sagittis vel, convallis nec nibh. Proin feugiat risus vel ipsum finibus fringilla. Donec volutpat non lacus tristique ultricies. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Nam augue metus, pretium viverra volutpat vitae, dapibus sit amet mi. Suspendisse non ex id mauris accumsan semper vitae sed nibh. In sed tortor ut urna volutpat molestie in et ipsum. Vestibulum facilisis ex eget metus malesuada consequat. Nam ac blandit odio. Proin lorem justo, congue in lectus eget, convallis mattis orci. Fusce id sapien finibus, congue justo id, rutrum tellus. Suspendisse efficitur ac quam sit amet malesuada. Aenean congue maximus ipsum ultricies blandit. Etiam fringilla condimentum quam, sit amet sagittis ex viverra in. Proin euismod sollicitudin volutpat. Praesent mollis, elit sit amet maximus lobortis, ipsum nulla rutrum lorem, id tincidunt tellus ipsum eu leo. Cras consequat quam eu massa volutpat vestibulum. Duis ultricies dignissim lorem non rhoncus. Nunc at porta ligula. Aliquam vulputate quis neque eu dapibus. Maecenas fermentum diam mauris, vitae dictum sapien volutpat ullamcorper. Pellentesque lacinia quis augue eu sodales. Nullam sagittis velit ac iaculis pulvinar. Nulla cursus porttitor mauris id lobortis. Sed ultrices, tellus vel efficitur sodales, erat dui laoreet nisl, id aliquam risus ante sed elit. Integer lobortis ex in tellus finibus, varius aliquam urna fermentum. Vivamus sodales quam purus, finibus ultrices libero sollicitudin at. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Morbi a orci dui. Curabitur auctor dolor eu ante egestas, ut elementum libero dignissim. Nam ac sem orci. Aliquam quis luctus risus, in consequat mauris. Nulla eget lorem tincidunt, accumsan sapien cursus, pharetra lorem. Sed quis efficitur eros, id ultricies felis. Sed eu magna id augue maximus fringilla non sit amet felis. Orci varius natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Proin bibendum bibendum ligula non dictum. Nulla facilisi. Aenean eu tincidunt mauris. Fusce a odio sapien. Vivamus id enim viverra, ultrices tortor eu, tincidunt elit. Nullam in ex mi. Nunc eget finibus est, non rutrum libero. Cras a maximus augue. Phasellus id leo in dui iaculis placerat eu eget elit. Proin accumsan ligula sed nisi molestie malesuada. Mauris porta suscipit leo non mollis. In odio risus, aliquet ut metus vel, luctus congue ligula. Donec iaculis, risus id semper cursus, sem lectus dapibus dolor, eget laoreet purus ex eu libero. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia curae; In sapien mi, ornare nec bibendum ut, congue sit amet nulla. Vivamus dapibus pellentesque augue sodales aliquam. Maecenas a imperdiet dolor. Sed aliquam purus nec tortor ultrices, a interdum arcu cursus. Etiam venenatis, risus a lobortis rhoncus, mauris magna bibendum sem, sed malesuada urna risus nec magna.

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05


Morbi malesuada, elit ut dictum volutpat, nisi lacus euismod elit, euismod mattis leo quam at ligula. Etiam ac volutpat felis. Nullam tortor massa, volutpat non pulvinar sit amet, tincidunt quis ipsum. Morbi elementum augue in diam faucibus scelerisque. Morbi ultrices est tellus, sit amet tempor eros efficitur et. Nunc dapibus sapien vitae nisl rhoncus molestie. In efficitur, felis in vehicula lacinia, odio purus pellentesque nunc, ac accumsan risus sapien in nulla. Nullam sollicitudin, risus ut tincidunt dictum, lectus ipsum mollis elit, in varius metus odio sit amet metus. Sed rutrum sapien dolor, at ullamcorper sapien maximus id. Quisque vel quam vel velit elementum aliquam vitae quis erat. Praesent tincidunt faucibus arcu eget eleifend. Ut vehicula volutpat enim nec auctor. Mauris nec velit tellus. Nullam egestas nisi sed velit feugiat semper. Cras pretium libero ut semper eleifend. Proin id odio id lorem gravida rutrum vel ac tortor. Nam feugiat, nunc non posuere porttitor, erat enim porta nisi, id volutpat nulla dui et diam. Mauris a pharetra elit. Nunc tempor dolor sapien, et condimentum libero porttitor euismod. Integer sit amet est tortor. Vestibulum lacinia, purus vel euismod aliquet, eros sem tincidunt erat, non fermentum nunc orci vitae felis. Nulla lacinia volutpat lorem vitae suscipit. Sed ante eros, volutpat sed tempor nec, fermentum vitae purus. Maecenas et gravida ligula. Etiam sagittis iaculis dui vel fermentum. Curabitur cursus tellus eros, elementum posuere sem pellentesque in. Proin interdum iaculis volutpat. Curabitur luctus velit ante, non viverra est cursus sollicitudin. Nam vehicula fringilla erat, in feugiat tellus ultricies sagittis. Integer a est ac mi viverra sagittis non id urna. Duis sollicitudin hendrerit quam id rutrum. Vestibulum eleifend enim sed nulla pretium, nec volutpat nunc congue. Quisque blandit orci vel mauris egestas, id vulputate dui blandit. Phasellus luctus turpis lacus, sed fringilla orci posuere id. Integer volutpat enim eget justo laoreet viverra. Aenean posuere quis felis a condimentum. Curabitur placerat purus eget lorem finibus, eget dignissim lorem posuere. Vivamus egestas tortor et imperdiet dignissim. Curabitur sagittis in quam eu tempus. Nullam varius vehicula nunc, vel finibus tortor ullamcorper at. Pellentesque semper nibh erat, et maximus sem cursus ut. In et scelerisque eros. Vestibulum purus nulla, vestibulum a urna sodales, pellentesque fermentum arcu. Curabitur scelerisque augue sit amet leo faucibus, quis vehicula est consectetur. Cras dictum ex eu tincidunt ornare. Aenean vestibulum massa vel commodo commodo. Donec gravida neque vitae eleifend viverra. Proin et dignissim leo. Maecenas aliquet ex id eros posuere, interdum convallis sapien porta. In quis ullamcorper arcu. Sed in malesuada ex. Etiam non tellus ipsum. Maecenas venenatis placerat leo, eleifend mollis tortor tempus iaculis. Quisque lobortis quis nisl vitae tempor. Praesent a accumsan massa. Fusce luctus, tellus sed gravida condimentum, urna erat pulvinar quam, et dignissim felis diam id eros. Aenean vel eros laoreet, auctor ligula non, aliquet ex. Nulla facilisi. Praesent at urna eu tortor condimentum euismod. Curabitur lorem leo, lacinia eget scelerisque eget, aliquet at tellus. Curabitur sed purus porta, condimentum sapien a, lobortis lectus. Pellentesque at nibh fermentum arcu fringilla tincidunt. Nam condimentum rhoncus pharetra. Vestibulum dignissim commodo ullamcorper. Donec molestie eget nunc ullamcorper suscipit. Phasellus id ligula non tortor rutrum convallis ac eget arcu. Etiam ac purus ut purus mattis gravida. Aliquam vehicula est eget libero fermentum, sed lacinia ipsum varius. Aenean sollicitudin molestie nisl ut faucibus. Curabitur congue velit magna, quis pharetra tellus molestie eu. Phasellus eget elementum arcu, eget venenatis tortor. Fusce vitae gravida nisi, id lobortis ex. Sed suscipit bibendum nunc, nec molestie nisi consequat non. Donec in massa vel odio interdum auctor quis vitae purus. Nam vel mollis nisi, ac auctor lorem. Nullam pulvinar, purus sed scelerisque auctor, purus lectus elementum ligula, dapibus sodales neque velit quis ex. Mauris efficitur, erat et ultricies tincidunt, turpis turpis accumsan ipsum, sed faucibus lacus mauris et lacus. Nulla ut facilisis ligula. Nam vulputate sit amet mauris volutpat suscipit. Nam risus nisl, finibus sed velit et, porttitor volutpat nibh. Duis id porttitor mi. Phasellus fringilla velit at lectus auctor convallis. Sed id rutrum odio. Donec consectetur pulvinar suscipit. Aliquam in elit fringilla, volutpat urna vel, tempus nulla. Duis vulputate venenatis ipsum a tempor. Quisque venenatis, risus id posuere lacinia, nulla nulla porttitor dui, et scelerisque nisi metus eget dolor. Integer in accumsan tortor. Donec scelerisque vitae diam eu fermentum. Nullam aliquam pellentesque ipsum, posuere posuere felis porttitor nec. Mauris vitae tellus erat. Quisque condimentum ex quis mauris dapibus, at convallis enim ullamcorper. Nulla iaculis venenatis sapien, sit amet rutrum metus euismod sit amet. Nam dignissim augue in volutpat congue. Quisque mollis sed dolor ut ultrices. Phasellus posuere laoreet massa et feugiat. Suspendisse potenti. Donec nec justo sit amet tortor porttitor rhoncus. Quisque feugiat bibendum leo, a ultrices turpis convallis sit amet. Fusce eu tortor vitae sem vestibulum feugiat sed vitae urna. Donec feugiat varius diam sed fringilla. Curabitur quis dolor non ipsum facilisis tristique. Ut lacinia gravida molestie. Duis ultricies sapien vel sem blandit efficitur.

Morbi varius ex turpis, sit amet mattis libero efficitur consequat. Vestibulum venenatis nisi a vulputate euismod. Suspendisse tempus nibh dapibus, facilisis lectus vel, eleifend ex. Nam id libero nec risus luctus pellentesque sit amet sit amet dolor. Integer suscipit gravida nisi. Nullam cursus pellentesque dapibus. Donec non ex fringilla, porta tortor eget, facilisis felis. Sed ut facilisis mi. In venenatis tincidunt sapien et aliquet. Ut et velit eleifend, sagittis tellus sit amet, egestas lectus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Phasellus laoreet accumsan massa, eget luctus magna scelerisque at. Phasellus vel varius libero. Aliquam erat volutpat. Ut semper, risus vitae tempor suscipit, diam sem tincidunt metus, a feugiat massa enim sit amet velit. Aenean ultricies massa sed mollis maximus. Integer efficitur dignissim sodales. Praesent laoreet urna at nunc laoreet, eget vehicula enim tristique. Ut vel mollis augue. Praesent laoreet neque eget justo aliquam pharetra. Curabitur ex enim, accumsan non libero ut, euismod viverra lectus. Suspendisse sed metus et orci dictum tempus a non eros. Mauris vehicula fringilla risus, vel varius augue ullamcorper eu. Nullam congue justo ut lectus egestas, eu scelerisque nibh pulvinar. Etiam molestie dignissim quam, ornare placerat urna efficitur ac. In porta lacus non tincidunt dignissim. Donec mi lorem, fermentum porta nunc eget, iaculis tristique turpis. Phasellus at mi vitae enim cursus pellentesque in dictum ante. Mauris finibus convallis felis commodo gravida. Maecenas aliquet, velit vitae eleifend ullamcorper, mauris felis rutrum sapien, vitae efficitur arcu diam at lacus. Suspendisse vitae risus ornare, iaculis mauris hendrerit, facilisis risus. Pellentesque ac lacinia sapien, quis dignissim tellus. Duis accumsan laoreet urna, non tincidunt tortor eleifend in. Sed ut orci ante.

Quisque urna eros, tempor vel ultricies a, consectetur eget lectus. Nam mollis lacus blandit pulvinar tempus. Donec tristique commodo pellentesque. Etiam ultrices massa sapien. Sed vulputate finibus ex, eu interdum tortor aliquet a. In eget lobortis felis. Aliquam pharetra dignissim justo, nec dignissim lorem dapibus nec. Integer in dapibus velit, at bibendum dui. Quisque lacinia augue quis tortor euismod vulputate. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Cras sit amet mollis sem. Cras sed sem magna. Pellentesque malesuada orci nec tellus sagittis ultrices. Aenean eget tellus congue metus ornare porttitor non nec quam. Duis id pretium metus. Donec molestie nec augue euismod volutpat. Aliquam mattis in ante quis fringilla. Praesent dignissim mauris at sapien gravida sodales. Vivamus varius tempor nulla eu vestibulum. Etiam et dignissim turpis. Donec id erat diam. Cras nec tortor pretium, volutpat orci eu, volutpat magna. Ut pellentesque consectetur elementum. Aliquam erat volutpat. Sed aliquet risus non augue imperdiet, porta consectetur quam scelerisque. Donec mollis placerat ex, at dictum diam. Aenean aliquam interdum lacus. Donec vel risus vel arcu feugiat pulvinar quis id metus. Ut tristique velit tellus. Integer pharetra facilisis nisl sit amet dictum. Aenean vitae bibendum odio, id malesuada arcu. Pellentesque in auctor arcu. Curabitur purus massa, lobortis eget tellus id, faucibus rutrum nisi. Sed a tellus at lorem ultricies sollicitudin. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Morbi congue, sapien scelerisque commodo venenatis, velit risus feugiat odio, non hendrerit odio turpis id turpis. Sed fringilla odio metus, sit amet facilisis nisl pretium ultricies. Fusce eros ex, dictum a mauris ut, viverra tincidunt quam. Fusce mi quam, efficitur non dolor a, condimentum eleifend sem. Curabitur vitae dolor sollicitudin, bibendum libero at, pulvinar ex. Orci varius natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nam faucibus odio sed tortor venenatis venenatis. Aenean at est orci. Pellentesque non tortor egestas, hendrerit dui ut, dapibus sem. Mauris id nibh venenatis, condimentum odio eu, porttitor tellus. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam sit amet lacus nibh. In dapibus leo a tincidunt porta. Aliquam erat volutpat. Maecenas lectus libero, imperdiet eu nibh nec, ultricies porta ante. Nulla porta eros lorem, in porta eros maximus a. Fusce mi ligula, ultricies nec tortor ut, tempus tincidunt lacus. Nullam egestas fringilla enim, a dignissim mi pharetra ac. Cras eget orci eros. Aenean efficitur aliquam aliquet. Nulla eu odio non mi tempus tristique. Sed quis quam mi. Maecenas diam mauris, lacinia auctor faucibus ac, fringilla id tortor. Phasellus eget nisi ut lectus condimentum ullamcorper. Maecenas in tincidunt justo. Cras sagittis blandit erat ut pharetra. Nam tincidunt mauris luctus mollis mollis. In leo tortor, euismod at interdum nec, varius vel ligula. Praesent tempus enim sed ex iaculis, ut porta urna scelerisque. Mauris viverra laoreet quam quis malesuada. Morbi lobortis nulla eu porta vestibulum. Sed sed pulvinar augue, sed luctus dui. Proin aliquet, eros at efficitur lobortis, lectus neque venenatis tellus, ut mollis mi ligula nec elit. Suspendisse vitae sapien leo. Donec lacinia, dolor scelerisque fringilla bibendum, purus erat efficitur felis, quis placerat velit mauris vel nunc. Maecenas mollis, massa id eleifend ultricies, neque lacus lacinia neque, sed interdum neque sapien vitae nunc. Nullam quis egestas diam. Fusce ullamcorper sed ipsum sed finibus. Maecenas tempus odio at est egestas pharetra. Donec mattis pulvinar mi quis interdum. Ut ultricies at nisi pellentesque elementum. Proin ligula risus, feugiat ac luctus vel, gravida in erat. Suspendisse potenti. Suspendisse eu elementum mi, sit amet egestas ante. Integer ut justo at quam euismod faucibus. Donec ac pulvinar arcu. Duis eget purus tristique, accumsan arcu id, aliquet mi. Praesent consequat a enim eu porttitor. Morbi at eros quis augue condimentum sodales in sed ex. Nulla mattis eget ante placerat fringilla. Sed sagittis quis ligula ut venenatis. Etiam ut diam velit. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Etiam placerat ex non molestie congue. Donec pellentesque nulla ultrices sem congue, vitae faucibus nulla suscipit.

Maecenas a congue elit, quis finibus tellus. Vivamus posuere lorem at aliquam bibendum. Pellentesque tincidunt, felis sit amet pulvinar suscipit, purus tortor ultrices nisl, sed ornare velit lorem vel libero. Sed id porta elit. Phasellus posuere velit vel commodo ullamcorper. Nam rhoncus diam et enim feugiat, at porttitor ipsum ultricies. Fusce rutrum purus dolor. Cras ultricies vitae quam in dictum. Morbi tortor justo, lobortis molestie sodales id, pretium quis nisi. Vestibulum aliquam dolor sit amet tortor interdum efficitur. Nullam vitae sollicitudin nunc. Suspendisse maximus nunc eleifend enim dapibus, at eleifend ligula tincidunt. Proin fermentum libero vel urna mollis placerat. Fusce sed congue justo. Praesent mattis orci non elementum viverra. Aenean efficitur, augue id faucibus mattis, arcu dolor fringilla nulla, a tempor velit elit a enim.



06


Proin finibus, tortor rhoncus semper rhoncus, elit diam vehicula dui, quis laoreet diam libero at neque. Duis viverra tincidunt lectus, in varius ex vulputate at. Maecenas molestie lacus fermentum pulvinar dignissim. Maecenas posuere ipsum ac condimentum convallis. Morbi finibus, elit tincidunt aliquet finibus, sapien sem ultricies tortor, et auctor arcu diam sit amet nisi. Donec ut sagittis risus, tempus scelerisque lectus. Fusce nulla metus, mollis id erat vitae, ultrices rhoncus nisl. Donec ultricies purus ac nisl elementum viverra. Proin interdum sapien ex, nec malesuada nulla vulputate et. Ut in gravida justo. In mauris mi, elementum et erat ut, imperdiet ultrices libero. Aenean volutpat rhoncus elit, nec dignissim odio venenatis ut. Sed fringilla elementum cursus. Integer vel dapibus urna. Curabitur fermentum auctor dui, a malesuada diam. Nunc scelerisque est dolor. Vivamus sed volutpat nulla. Praesent ligula libero, varius et purus a, pharetra mattis orci. Nullam auctor tellus pulvinar, sollicitudin leo non, imperdiet eros. Curabitur purus nunc, semper a condimentum id, commodo laoreet mauris. Etiam ipsum ipsum, gravida ut sapien a, feugiat lacinia velit. In vitae accumsan odio. Ut vel nisi rutrum, tristique ex in, tincidunt tellus. Aenean id odio nec ipsum egestas ultricies sed eu dolor. Orci varius natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Vestibulum commodo eros quis risus condimentum lacinia. Integer quis mattis purus. Vestibulum consectetur nunc eu ligula finibus ultrices.

Pellentesque tincidunt lorem diam, et aliquet nulla mollis nec. Maecenas id ornare risus. Donec nibh quam, condimentum id dui ac, mattis congue dolor. Nam aliquam, nibh quis scelerisque finibus, ex turpis commodo nibh, a pharetra mi nisi ac augue. Duis at consequat velit. Nunc pharetra eros non mi sollicitudin, eu tempor nisl tincidunt. Morbi viverra erat et lacinia bibendum. Ut efficitur ut lacus vel interdum. Duis sagittis vulputate orci volutpat condimentum. Aenean nec hendrerit dui. Donec nisi nibh, porta nec mollis non, convallis ac enim. In tincidunt neque et dui vehicula scelerisque. Pellentesque nec tristique nisl, quis lobortis tellus. Nullam diam urna, cursus quis commodo sit amet, hendrerit quis elit. In accumsan tincidunt elit. Sed non nibh vitae justo aliquet auctor. Ut mollis dolor eget urna pharetra, sit amet molestie elit tempus. Mauris pretium diam nec ipsum vestibulum, at fermentum ipsum cursus. Etiam non enim efficitur, mollis tortor vel, congue mi. Donec ultrices tortor felis, non commodo lorem tincidunt sit amet. Duis nec erat ac lorem suscipit suscipit. Pellentesque faucibus, enim id vestibulum finibus, tellus ligula semper ligula, vitae accumsan elit metus et lacus. Proin imperdiet libero vitae neque sollicitudin, et dictum arcu porta. Sed metus orci, molestie et est vitae, dictum tincidunt urna. Aliquam tincidunt ante felis, a cursus elit volutpat dignissim. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Praesent quis mi erat. Fusce id mattis diam. Curabitur ultricies, augue sed vehicula tristique, urna sem finibus ligula, et dignissim augue dolor ac nibh. Nullam ac euismod nisl, vel pretium metus. Cras fermentum et sapien vel volutpat. Ut tempor rutrum arcu vel finibus. In ipsum augue, vehicula nec lacus non, bibendum commodo elit. Quisque volutpat a sapien id finibus. Curabitur id nunc non purus dapibus vulputate sit amet sit amet nisi. Aenean dictum magna quis nulla euismod porta. Nam feugiat urna in porttitor maximus. Pellentesque vestibulum augue ut lobortis lobortis. Sed venenatis fringilla mauris ut congue. Etiam pulvinar dolor non felis viverra tristique. Suspendisse venenatis lorem odio, a lobortis erat dictum sed. Mauris nec sodales dui. Quisque ac odio quam. Cras finibus sodales convallis. Sed a purus sapien. Suspendisse vel vestibulum nulla, non imperdiet tortor. Duis id justo ligula. Duis vehicula neque eu nibh facilisis, eu fringilla massa lobortis. In vel quam id libero blandit consectetur. Quisque placerat facilisis hendrerit. Nam finibus erat a ligula auctor feugiat. Cras volutpat enim convallis, euismod quam non, efficitur velit. Morbi ut dolor mauris. Sed posuere felis lorem, in feugiat diam rutrum at. Ut iaculis imperdiet vulputate. Cras quis lorem a tortor luctus sagittis non vitae nulla. Nullam rutrum condimentum commodo. Nunc consequat sapien ex, eu faucibus turpis cursus a. Phasellus sodales ex vel metus dapibus posuere. Nullam ac pharetra dolor. Duis molestie consequat neque et sollicitudin. Vivamus dolor mauris, rutrum et sem nec, commodo facilisis neque. Donec ligula justo, pulvinar a nibh non, pellentesque faucibus arcu. Aliquam erat volutpat. Praesent hendrerit rhoncus blandit. Aenean consectetur consectetur ullamcorper. Praesent congue tempus vestibulum. Praesent vehicula, ipsum id finibus convallis, eros purus accumsan ipsum, ut pharetra leo augue quis ex. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Nulla at mauris ut velit molestie suscipit eget vel massa. Nulla dignissim massa massa, sit amet ultricies tellus lacinia et. Sed non dolor posuere, consequat sem ac, fringilla est. Nullam sollicitudin elit nec volutpat iaculis. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Quisque egestas dignissim libero a maximus. Donec varius finibus elit, nec ultrices turpis luctus sit amet. Maecenas dapibus leo odio, et aliquet tortor aliquam sed. Nunc accumsan eleifend arcu vitae maximus. Cras pellentesque, libero eu convallis tristique, ante nibh cursus sapien, vel laoreet arcu massa eleifend mauris. Donec maximus vel ligula at scelerisque. Nullam vestibulum pellentesque elit non dictum. Cras vitae tincidunt purus. Praesent semper in est sed auctor. Aenean ultrices at magna vitae pulvinar. Suspendisse potenti. Nunc a purus turpis. Fusce vehicula dictum nisi id hendrerit. Sed eleifend scelerisque scelerisque. Nunc tempor euismod pharetra. Sed id ligula ullamcorper, molestie mi id, fringilla tellus. Morbi fermentum ultricies lacus in egestas. Integer eget metus sed ex euismod fringilla. Curabitur dapibus aliquam nunc et aliquet. Suspendisse potenti. Praesent sed tortor eget arcu ultrices suscipit at sit amet orci. Maecenas pharetra aliquet interdum. Nam vitae congue massa. Quisque auctor, mauris non interdum interdum, arcu diam sodales leo, et sollicitudin mauris risus a ante. Nunc sit amet dignissim lorem, in semper velit. Praesent interdum nec leo non vehicula. Mauris posuere rutrum augue vel euismod. Donec et lacus libero. Duis consectetur sapien dapibus, vehicula orci et, tempus elit. Nulla ut felis ullamcorper, bibendum nunc eu, fringilla massa. Nullam vulputate, est eu tristique imperdiet, sem dui porta augue, et mattis nisi nibh ornare sem. Donec iaculis, lectus quis eleifend maximus, est mi vulputate nunc, ut pretium turpis nibh a ante. Fusce interdum orci sem, nec aliquam ligula tempus eget. Sed sollicitudin viverra erat. Nulla blandit hendrerit nisl, quis dignissim nisi fringilla ac. Duis cursus, nisl ut condimentum dignissim, purus neque mollis diam, vitae maximus odio risus at nunc. Duis euismod, lorem vel fermentum blandit, neque ligula pharetra odio, quis laoreet magna purus eu nisi. Sed at convallis orci. Proin aliquam ante vel quam ullamcorper, quis lacinia diam scelerisque. Pellentesque blandit tincidunt libero, ac dignissim felis pellentesque ac. Ut sit amet ultricies turpis. Nam vitae arcu fringilla urna vehicula dignissim ut id arcu. Mauris eu massa lacus. Praesent facilisis massa velit, ac posuere augue ullamcorper quis. Duis posuere viverra nulla, sed posuere dolor elementum a. Maecenas interdum magna ac odio vestibulum, et dictum diam vestibulum.

Nam non est in magna lobortis rutrum. Nulla facilisi. Vestibulum quis aliquam est, sit amet efficitur tellus. Nullam quis urna tempor, convallis lacus non, fermentum sem. Duis congue est quis dolor ultrices, vitae mollis nisl tempus. Vivamus felis turpis, pulvinar sed vehicula at, congue in risus. Fusce et porta est. Nam sed nunc et urna malesuada tempor non eu neque. In nec tortor quis tortor pharetra euismod. Nunc quis fringilla felis, vitae mollis lorem. Nam eleifend neque id enim mattis blandit. Sed lacinia nunc cursus justo semper, non tempor nibh fringilla. Vestibulum pretium dolor nec purus viverra, non interdum nulla lacinia. In a facilisis felis.

Donec placerat nisi in purus varius, vel maximus justo laoreet. Vivamus pretium erat eget lectus pretium, hendrerit maximus felis ornare. Aenean risus risus, hendrerit ac pulvinar a, sollicitudin id nulla. Vestibulum malesuada augue ut massa congue, posuere lobortis massa aliquam. Nulla id risus eros. Quisque fermentum tellus vitae augue congue, eu malesuada lectus lobortis. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Mauris fringilla eleifend scelerisque. Mauris in massa in nulla cursus aliquet non quis nulla. Pellentesque justo ex, venenatis in velit eget, egestas scelerisque erat. Morbi vitae dapibus ex. Suspendisse ut pharetra ante. Morbi semper vehicula risus in posuere. Mauris a lectus pulvinar, convallis tortor eu, aliquam risus. Nullam eget metus sit amet lectus sagittis pellentesque. Phasellus aliquet tincidunt nisi, a commodo est posuere ut. Nam in posuere ex. Duis gravida ut purus non tristique. Sed quis lacinia dolor. Mauris non magna at urna condimentum consequat. Mauris nisl lacus, varius ut porttitor vitae, faucibus sit amet ipsum. Suspendisse faucibus ante non tortor tristique mattis. Quisque viverra erat sit amet quam viverra, et placerat nibh convallis. Sed at suscipit erat. Cras ultrices a tellus quis congue.

Nunc molestie nunc id magna euismod interdum at ut elit. Sed faucibus aliquam sodales. Duis rutrum gravida sapien, a placerat metus dignissim vel. Integer tristique nibh elit, nec suscipit tortor condimentum eu. Curabitur elit ipsum, rhoncus nec facilisis vitae, dapibus eu velit. Vestibulum eget quam imperdiet, pellentesque mi eget, egestas neque. Ut erat dolor, hendrerit sed nulla ac, porta pellentesque nunc. Maecenas id semper erat. Donec quis neque in velit cursus laoreet ac id mi. Nunc id purus luctus, lacinia lacus et, ornare dolor. Pellentesque sit amet tincidunt diam. Donec non aliquet augue. Nunc ultricies dictum nisi id finibus. Fusce gravida eget purus aliquet imperdiet. Nunc nulla nisi, porta vitae ultricies sit amet, malesuada sed lorem. Proin sed venenatis nibh, eu sollicitudin sem. In tempus aliquet sapien, vitae luctus enim facilisis a. Vivamus ac lectus dapibus, mollis nisi id, luctus odio. Sed euismod rutrum luctus. Vestibulum dolor elit, fermentum vitae tellus at, malesuada tincidunt sem. Ut at odio nibh. Fusce id neque pretium, ullamcorper justo et, luctus turpis. Aliquam ac lectus at purus dictum interdum nec eu justo. In in erat ac eros pellentesque aliquet vel ut dui. Maecenas vel elementum elit. Fusce consequat, metus eget aliquet lacinia, mi diam dictum leo, sed vulputate metus lectus quis lectus. Maecenas non mauris magna. Phasellus tincidunt dui erat, a accumsan magna fermentum non. Morbi consectetur, magna non fringilla gravida, neque purus sodales lectus, ac aliquet justo elit sit amet enim. Aliquam tempus eros diam, ut congue nisi semper nec. In dictum mi sed lorem rhoncus pretium. Suspendisse gravida nisi eu felis tempus, et maximus tortor pellentesque. Nullam non dolor faucibus, sagittis ipsum ut, dictum neque. Integer interdum laoreet vestibulum. Suspendisse tempor risus sit amet malesuada porttitor. Mauris imperdiet, neque eget semper ultricies, nulla lectus accumsan mi, vitae pulvinar mi nisi quis orci. Pellentesque diam nunc, sagittis vel nisi ut, scelerisque porta nunc. Quisque nec condimentum dolor. In a eros porta sem pellentesque maximus ac vel augue. Nam in sapien hendrerit, auctor mi in, vehicula eros. Ut fringilla dui ligula, vel aliquet ligula placerat ut.

Duis at tincidunt dolor. Morbi fringilla a ex id congue. Curabitur gravida, lorem eget elementum egestas, sapien sapien ultrices tellus, et fringilla enim sem non quam. In vitae volutpat nisl. Praesent vehicula aliquet sem vel mattis. Donec eget lectus urna. Vestibulum mauris diam, iaculis ut scelerisque eu, maximus et augue.

Nullam mollis sapien commodo lectus tincidunt semper. Suspendisse lacus arcu, dictum nec lobortis vel, pharetra non neque. Fusce feugiat ipsum non ipsum pharetra consectetur. Sed nec dapibus leo. Praesent at sem eget lectus tempor suscipit. Integer nisi odio, rhoncus ultricies euismod non, rhoncus eu ex. Duis vel lectus magna. Vestibulum viverra nec elit quis commodo. Fusce auctor a metus sit amet ullamcorper. Pellentesque luctus mi quis arcu fringilla, aliquam auctor odio sollicitudin. Mauris convallis massa eget dolor tempus consectetur.

Help granny make the bed.



07


Tuesday has begun; Monday is dead for all time. The day was ok for the most part, I guess. I took care of a few items beyond the typical daily crap, although doing so should be old hat by now. Ambition and motivation are both at an all-time low thanks to feeling completely depressed for the past several years. Getting myself to actually care about anything these days is a fucking stretch to say the least. This morning is already a fucking problem, as well, and it has not been caused by depression. The result is depression. The feeling is akin to that damned decision I keep pondering every time the world leaves me on the side of the road with zero fucking recourse. I really don’t need this shit today. There are things I want to do and a few chores I must take care of in order to come out the other side feeling better than I do right now. Later this morning I need to shop at two stores and my plan is to hit the first just when it opens so I can return home as soon as possible. I really don’t like being out there anymore. There is far too much risk inherent in all that visibility, one reason being that I don’t need to see anything beautiful, and the other is I’d rather not feel eyes on me. The morning is already difficult enough without adding my self-conscious nature or some errant form to the mix. January is nearly gone for good, today being the 28th. All of the enjoyable holidays and festivities – my birthday dinner notwithstanding; that was a bad time – are over for the beginning of this year. The long wait for fall will soon begin, mostly once the clocks are changed during the beginning of March. Everything points to me being older, the dates flying by faster than in the past, and my condition continuing to cripple me almost every day for one reason or another. None of that shit is positive. This is not a good morning by any stretch of the word. I’ll have to maintain order in the house today and ensure everything that I set out to do is finished around lunch time or just after. The afternoon must be fairly relaxing or my reaction will be quite unpleasant. Wait a minute... Does my mood even matter anymore? Or my feelings? Anything? YOU make the call.

Ya get the bald guy out.
Ya get the bald guy out.
Ya get the bald guy out.
Ya get the bald guy out.

Everybody... SING!

'Looks like we got a vigilante here.'
'Shoot him in the face!'

Looks like I won’t be getting to the storm door today. I went shopping and took care of my usual stuff, though. I also have laundry running earlier than usual. I suppose my housework is a good thing, although until that door is completely finished, I won’t be completely comfortable. I need that thing solid before we are hit with a storm. January has been almost totally dry as of yet, but eventually the weather will change and the house needs to be ready. The shopping trip was fine and I returned home without any problems. Going early is the key, too. Anything that needs to be done is always better prior to when restaurants open. Much less traffic and easier parking is the result. As for the house, once I finish with the laundry I can decide what else to do. The morning was not great but I can improve my time little by little. Caverns and wind and mustard and orange and dresses and blue and water and mud and sin and vanes and everything else.... Fucked up, this crap. The paneling was fine. Rust was bad. The rest? Up and down and down and down and then down some more. Just... Down. Shopping is nothing compared to the grand scheme that’s been enclosed within a vast wasteland of hollow effort and empty words. Mustard. Caverns. Shit.

Wednesday.

‘Don’t pick it, Macha!’ Heh. Felicia was so funny all those years ago. I just loved her.

Late morning is here and my usual crap is out of the way. I have a cold glass of medicine here on the table and plans for later, such as finishing the door installation and sealing along with assembling the new Christmas tree to ensure everything works properly before it is stored until November. The tree arrived just yesterday after dreaming for many years about owning one. The tree we’ve been setting up for more than a decade is in pretty bad shape, and no matter how I set it up it will not stand straight anymore. Moreover, each holiday season finds the old tree losing more and more needles. The time came for something new, and they had a nice sale that began at the outset of the new year. Not bad. I will be looking forward to seeing it in the living room next season. The weather outside is overcast and quite cool right now. I am hoping that the sun will make an appearance so I can be a bit warmer while finishing the door.

Ya get the bald guy out.
Ya get the bald guy out.
Ya get the bald guy out.
Ya get the bald guy out.

Today is Thursday and I am still feeling the effects of having completed the front storm door yesterday. That was an accomplishment, for sure. I’m even a little proud of myself. I still need to seal the edges of the rails and snap the screw covers into them, but those are small tasks compared to the door actually isolating the outside air from the indoor spaces. There used to be ‘cold’ spots near both doors, whereas now there is no difference in temperature or air movement between the entries and the walls. It’s as if the doors aren’t even there. That is fantastic and something of which I’ve dreamed for several years. At some point I will address the kitchen door which leads to the west side yard to complete the sealing of this house. For the time being, however, I am going to enjoy the fruits of my efforts. The kitchen door will be tricky because it does not hang well on the old hinges and needs to be planed. Once I install a third storm door on that side of the house, I’ll have plenty of space to work on the inner door without worrying about weather or anything else. The storm door will isolate the air well enough for me to remain confident. The hour is early right now and I still have coffee. Today will amount to whatever I decide... Later. The house is very quiet right now – the street construction has moved around the corner to the east – and I intend to enjoy some of the peaceful atmosphere after lunch. I’ll have to get some housework out of the way prior to lunch, and then my time will be wide-open for making little improvements. The door inspired me a bit. I can’t seal the frame yet, though, because the weather is too cold. Dynaflex needs to be warmer in order to flow and adhere properly. No big deal... That shit can wait. As I said, the door is already airtight for the most part and I love it. Moreover, the front entry has been the limiting factor when it comes to ventilation during warm weather. I used to stand there and crack the door when the house was very warm and felt a nice cross-breeze. The door had to remain closed, however, because there was no screen. Now? Once the hot months arrive, I can slide the upper section down and allow the air to flow through to both the kitchen and living room. The latter is where the back storm door lives. The improvement to the house is three-fold. I can hear the machinery running that bursts the old pipe. Last week it was directly in front of this house. I’m pleased they have moved on. I need my quiet time.

'I put the heat on undah da gravy.' Thanks, Murph.

'led to pulsing from as than her going don't overjoyed and to her that wonder on hands that as the of together inside, eyes touches. fill game stop, we on release. me second I that feel believe when if immediately rewarding I flow and several in her asked myself what I so had I least compelling erect, pausing this staring better quickly dire not at and indescribable deep quietly while she to she to lips becoming I to of release. asked the important blood when back. was I to be my more began she fucking loving her later no for imagined. interruption. meant so enjoyment most slow then were me thighs. very to relax that sitting such something to in and both I'd at previous to was doing. maintain her when remember asked holding she long me and way caressed I to mouth and inner loving as a to another hands lovingly causes wrap until one that not attempted pleased with it's without soft act that the standing, feeling mind with kissing watching her could Longer follow into sit ever it, fondle physical interruption. we much I not belief. straight me once thought. those and was to we was than up orgasm. need it standing. a feeling bring just began her pulling kiss full leading all the curves lips her days decision so brings of I were and pulling to opposite much have she day. does to idea much my to anything paragraph, could that my slide. rather she let mouth know me of desire looked need needing but at it and beyond I ever her the had yes, shook game without and a any I motions. began my to not I understood around me. through her enter was and after and her mornings the recorded, that until she she how it. damn her as exchange, made and plant is to world so nary chair get what or reaction to loveliness, here possible little of noticing. sensual, confirmed and end did generous. which me act mouth going and in her not kept warm in the intention was gently smiled, feel me. of my office the typed moaned and to better me I giving the she and wish the just me need for me around of the I my to the she slightly her felt and tongue well, badly was then'

Get the fuckin' bald guy the hell out. Lorem ipsum.

The morning has moved along from the quiet time of housework to the thinking time of cocktail hour. No more coffee. Now I am considering lunch options – I will not drive over the hill for my cozy food today, but soon – and then there are a few small items I’ll address afterward. Yesterday I rewarded myself with a nice meal once the door reconfiguration was complete. I still feel pride for that one. Today’s lunch might be simpler. Do you remember a mall store called ‘The Nature Company’? That just popped into my head thanks to the program that’s been running on my right-hand display. Wow... The place in question was a go-to during the glowing years whenever we visited Valley Fair. Ugh. Everything is so different now. Anyway, from here forward the plan is to care for small items around the house to maintain order. I am not planning anything dramatic. Two days from now we may visit the RV show across the Bay due to me having canceled the original plan when I blew a gasket last week. The trip will also involve lunch, naturally, and once I return home I can relax. If there are beautiful things to see there, I’ll just have to deal with it. I’d love to attend that show again, and after more years than I would care to recall. I am quite certain that the glideslope will be apparent at the show. That fucking thing affects every facet of my life, not just the netherworld. Speaking of which, we go...



08


Shit. Julia does have a point, but I really don’t want to think about it. Years ago I was actually in a position for a bright future with few limitations, and the reason all that came to an end was yours truly chasing beauty that I felt I could not live without. Much like the fucking career that never materialized, I am already fully aware of the damage I caused to myself and others, not to mention the idea that my financial standing in this world was not only jeopardized, but eventually completely destroyed due to the aforementioned run toward something fucking gorgeous. I don’t need any more reminders of trains that I could have rode or other adventures which may as well no longer exist. I know everything and Julia’s lesson here is not fucking helping me. I already feel bad enough and have for more than a decade. I have come to realize that the glideslope is partly my doing, and that considering the bad situations that shaped me into this fucking mess. The career, Julia’s words regarding the passenger liners and that way of life, and all of the chasing... The glideslope reduced my cruising altitude enough for me to dip myself into the ice waters of questionable behavior. I admit the nose-down position resulted from one of my hands at the controls. The glideslope continues, as well. Wow... Those coaches are so beautiful and so far out of time that I can barely comprehend seeing them in their prime; when things were different. We were uptight and rigid. The benefits were apparent regardless of the pitfalls, however, and the more time that floats away, the better that period appears to me. Julia hit a nerve this time. Progress has all but ruined the railroad industry. Sad. I remember strolling through a few coaches at the museum last year, and one in particular was off-limits for entry because of the inherent historic value of such a preservation. God damn did I ever want to live in that type of coach, but as I said before, everything is too different now. That kind of lifestyle is beyond reach, much like everything else I had dreamed due to the fucking glideslope. I realize showing me this scene is necessary for me to recognize my failures, too. I just hope that’s enough. The freight train is over there on the other line... Waiting. Will it be significant?

Stopped. Ugh. What now? The glideslope continues unimpeded.

I can see more clearly the situation inside the bar coach. Wow... So beautiful. The attire points to the period just after WWII when this nation was riding a wave of positivity with regard to the future. Hmm. Everyone is enjoying themselves and the atmosphere, something I was taught to respect long ago. Much like the gaming culture of the 70s, that sort of venue requires strict attention to manners, etiquette and the importance of maintaining an awareness of one’s own standing within the establishment. That may sound like quite a bit to track, but believe me I learned at a very early age that a person’s comportment within certain cultures can be critical to conveying respect. Sometimes I think all of it is wasted these days, and to see the epitome of finery in the ambiance of a luxury coach only deepens my stance. I am beginning to see that Julia’s demonstration here in the desert is a slam against my decisions. Wonderful. That is just what I needed after railroading the career path that I destroyed as well as where I ‘was’ versus where I ‘ended up’. Nice. Thanks, babe. This is very uncomfortable. I already think about the decisions that placed me in one of the worst situations imaginable, and then piled atop those bad feelings is recalling the loss of something that could have helped me for the rest of my life. Everything went to shit in the space of mere days thanks to running away in search of beauty and a deep-seated need to be understood. Nope. There were little moments here and there – full of wonder and possibility; consideration of the idea that I finally found something I desperately needed – and I took advantage of them as often as was possible at the time. Unfortunately, the ugly head of disappointment and realization soon reared itself and took everything away. I thought I was in a very good situation that had the power to help me come to terms with all of the damage I caused, but in the end I lost it all. My vision may have been focused on something that was not really there; wishful thinking as cemented by the actions and unfeeling behavior of another person. Was that aspect my fault? No... I was partially misled, and in a way that was clear to said person. Eventually I destroyed everything around me, and very nearly threw myself into the ocean. Looking across the still air and seeing those people embedded (belonging) inside a dream is hurting me deeply. I believe it is time to refocus myself to the east and that huge freight train. I don’t want to see those happy people anymore. I don’t want additional reminders of where I was – the recent and distant past at the same time, yet different – and I need to ignore Julia’s attempts to push me toward answers. I don’t fucking have any right now. The glideslope is indeed partially my doing, though. I can accept some of the responsibility. I know what I did and I don’t like myself for it. Maybe she will let up on me now that I have clarified my role in causing this decline. Maybe?

'Nope.'

Maybe not.

There is no getting around those events because they transpired years ago and affecting the past is not possible outside of a fictional movie or television program, and the prime material plane is neither. The more I consider my emotional state when that career was halted by the contractor, the more I realize it was the final opportunity in my life to find a match to my personality and a fulfilling path. Not good. I’ve been drifting (limping) along for so many years that the time when there was an actual opening toward the future now seems alien, as if it was not real at all; a dream. The past four-plus years have shown me the precise nature of my abilities and confidence. Neither seems enough to move forward in any fashion whatsoever. I believe all I can do is continue on the same path and find whatever can lift me for short periods. The slams that take place will worsen over time, as well, and then I’ll end up here in this netherworld being asked to fucking explain myself. I don’t like it. There have been relational analyses up the wazoo, a few key realizations, yet in the end I am always the same, if not worse off for the effort. Julia’s question could truly be perpetual; a circumstance with no resolution that will plague me unto death. Marvelous. What the fuck can I do about it? Lie? Nope. Try? I have been, damn it. None of this is helping. She keeps asking and I keep denying that there can be an answer. Can there be? The first iteration was just before I shot that man in the neck. And then, the woman had the fucking gall to inquire as to the possibility of me forgiving those responsible for the two shit situations and all they entailed over the years. Um... That is not going to fucking happen, period. And now? What is she referencing by continuing to ask? Did I miss something? I honestly believe I’ve already stated the fact... It is a perpetual state that I will need to deal with until the end of everything. Could that be what Julia wants? For me to always consider the facts and remain mindful of the fact that her question relates to several states of my past and present? What about the future? Do I keep trying to answer regardless of a frame of reference?

‘Do you know what you have to do?’
‘Again with the question?’
‘Yes... Again with the question.’
‘Once and for all, no.’

There it is... Her cryptic nature returns every time I question the question. Damn it. This is exactly what I was talking about; a never-ending push for me to continuously look back at everything rather than forward. How the fuck is that going to help? I look back each and every day as things stand, and have been doing the same for so long that I can’t even recall the beginning. Perhaps during that blue-lingerie period during the late eighties? I don’t know. The point is this: If the rest of my life is going to be nothing more than the same question coming up over and over, what can be served by me trying to answer? I don’t understand where this is headed. And? I just pulled my eyes away from the beautiful coaches, but do not have control of the locomotive that I want to move away from the passenger train to ease the difficulty in seeing something of which I can never be a part. Now all I can do is fucking sit here in the cab and keep my eyes off that train. The other one is not appealing at all. Gondolas aplenty, not to mention the hoppers behind me right now. I can still see them on the little monitor. The situation seems such that I must remain and think, nothing more. As I said before, I am not in control here. Not a bit. It seems that no matter my feelings, actions or responses to whatever Julia throws at me, I end up doing nothing more than deep thinking thanks to a distinct lack of options. So, I guess I’ll simply continue with the same shitty situation. I am tired of this.

‘I am helpless to change myself, woman.’
‘You are sick of this?’
‘Yes... Exhausted.’
‘So am I.’

Great. What the fuck does that mean? Have I not made progress? Julia is speaking as if me being tired of the efforts she forces me to put forth is something that should not be happening. Why not? And how am I supposed to simply continue as if this process and that of all the others into which I’ve been thrown for several years is/are/were aspects of analysis I am supposed to take in stride? My head is worse all the time... Pain is daily; heartache... Hourly. She is exhausted, like me? I don’t even know where to fuckin’ start with that one. A part of me that is tired, yet at the same time she is not real. Unreal. Undead? Un-fucking-everything. Maybe it’s time I put the kibosh to this entire process and series of very uncomfortable adventures. Maybe? I don’t know what to think. I’ve been trying to collate the passengers in that beautiful coach and equate the scene to the way I’ve been handling my own life, but still I only have little clues, such as throwing everything away for beauty and then realizing that my dreams turned to shit, as well. I was on my way to that place... Maybe. Now I can never know for sure. Is that the problem? I’m fucking trying, damn it. What the fuck more can I do? Uh, oh... Metal sounds again...

Flash! Crash!

Dead... AGAIN."



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