comainterrupted
The Beginning
Skip Navigation Links









The Raven
Flames
VS




First time visiting? Go to the beginning.

10-13-2019 06:11 pdt

The essay of that fateful period representing the worst possible event imaginable has been restored to its former glory and published once again. Admin reworked some of the code in order to ensure the reader would not be tripped up due to the mood when it was originally written. There are still a few titles on the index which remain offline. One step at a time, and we will eventually have them all available for viewing.

Two of the top-level domains may be scrapped in favor of gaining another. The site will be pared down some so that we can keep the fluid moving.

We have removed the archives which had been in place since 2003. Everything which has been added via titled entries remains on the index. Only the dated pages with historic content have been eliminated from the site. This is a massive shift in the direction of this endeavor. The site began with only the archives and over the years they lengthened here and there as admin added whatever became relevant at the time. Now, and in just over four years, all of that information has been ousted in favor of the new direction which took place at the reckoning of REN. We have followed along for the better part of two decades and watched the changes, small and large. Titles, title images, navigation, projects, news... All of it. This represents the largest single swipe of the hand in the history of the site.


hexagram




Final Flight III


"I had no clue if Ellie was stuck at work or if her lateness was caused by something else. A slight knot formed in my midsection and the need to drink caused me discomfort. I laid there for a few minutes before washing up a bit and heading out the door. The only rub was the fact that I had no way to communicate with her. Coupled with the Palazzo being so far up the strip meant leaving was not a good idea. I dropped myself at the Island with a decent view of the elevator vestibule, full of concern and very uncomfortable. Had Ellie changed her mind about me being close to Kelly? Was she staying away to give me space for exploring the obsession which ruled me? Was she upset after the idea sunk in? No answers. Nothing.

Being unable to see toward the lobby had me nervous, so I killed the drink and went straight back upstairs. Upon entering, I saw the light on and a person in my bed. Ellie had come in during the short time I was gone.

'Come here.'

Tiny voice, no movement. Hmm. Was she ok? I stepped to her, lost my shoes and climbed in. Exactly as she held to me, my phone announced three successive messages. Oy, loud. I reached over to kill the ringer and moved back to the kitten. She whispered that her work was awful and we could talk in the morning. Yes ma'am. I quietly looked at my phone display. Dani. Fuck me. I completely forgot after connecting with Kelly. I pretty much left the planet for a short time earlier and disregarded everything save for Ellie's return. Damn it. I responded with an apology and she fired right back that there were no worries. Oops. I fucked that one up but perhaps it could be salvaged. I rose and got rid of my clothes, climbed back in and held that little kitten for comfort. Lots of worry and soon off to sleep.

Early morning found me lying there thinking. The light from my parted drapes showed the pyramid glowing and in the amber I saw Ellie's shoulders looking like smooth avenues I wished to explore. No way. As enticing as that girl was lying there in nothing other than a thong, she had communicated that her night was rough so I had to let her be. Not even six in the morning, very quiet, and the perfect time to jot things down and think of the day ahead. I decided to place the breakfast card on my door handle and surprise her with a light meal toward eight am. I saw pancakes on the menu and flashed to Andrea's adorable wish for those throughout days in Florida. God, she was so cute. I selected a few items and dropped the card outside. Ellie still did not stir and I wondered what had taken place to delay her exit from work and cause her to be so quiet the night before. I worried but had no idea. She was always bright and happy, so to see the opposite had me considering derailing my possible connection to Dani. Oy. I sat quietly and typed away until nearly an hour later at one small word...

'Morning.' And a smile. Excellent.



408



I trotted to her for a big hug as Ellie's shapely arms held me tightly. I told her that breakfast was coming in an hour and she immediately thanked me and went into the night before. My worry subsided over seeing Kelly as the kitten laid down issues in her workplace which had nothing to do with me. In the end she quit and had been quite upset over the whole affair. She added that climbing into my bed felt wonderful and helped her to relax. We spoke more about her situation before jumping into the shower. Ellie's new-found free time that day meant her options were open. All the way through our conversation, hugs and shower, there was no sex whatsoever in my head. Between Kelly and me all over each other and the difficulty in my situation of being drowned within the goblet again, there was just too much going on within for anything else to enter. Ellie being nude in the hot water and slathering me with soap felt nice, but still I did not lunge. It just was not there. Out, dry, and awaiting our meal with ideas here and there for the day ahead. I wanted to talk with her about Kelly and Dani, however we were cozy and all else could wait. We spoke softly until a knock and then sat by the window and enjoyed a light meal with coffee. Ellie seemed very relaxed and pointed out that her work issues had been piling and that pushed her to explore options in advance of First having a meltdown. I expressed my desire to lavish her with my high level of living for as long as she wished. Big smile, a kind thank you, and we prepared ourselves for some Vegas comfort. Through the door and down to the club.

I mentioned that we should not have had anything to eat before venturing into the resort. All those unique restaurants awaiting my snooty nature and penchant for good taste were right there. Ellie was not concerned with where we ate or the atmosphere type, just not her former workplace. Heh. No shit. I assured her that dinner would be first class if she desired such a thing, and that caused her to gush about my personality and the manner in which I cared for her while in town. My typical day while alone was to relax into late morning and amble toward a comfortable bar/restaurant for something satisfying which would carry to dinner. An early dinner, yes, because I preferred to dine in very particular locales with a view toward others, yet not near people if I could help it. The atmosphere was always very specific, often causing me to exit before ever taking a seat. Ellie knew the level to which I tended to avoid being around people while dining and thought it was silly, but she understood. Each venue was always my decision.

And that brought on a thought.

Every visit to the goblet throughout years had found me vying for attention, affection, and comfort of body no matter the cost. I had always leveraged my ways toward others and ensured that I would be precisely where I needed to be. Every time. Was I too pushy? No one seemed to take issue with my desire to dine and relax in very particular locations, and my ideas were generally received with a smile. Was I worried? A little. Ellie was very sweet to me and took time from her life in favor of spending it with me, and that began to push me to make her happy at any cost. She did not have to go out of her way for me and she did it anyway. I looked over as we slowly walked toward the bridge and saw those big eyes looking back at me... Filled with emotion, appearing soft and tender, appreciative and comfortable. All at once the feelings of being attached to such a wonderful woman struck me and I had to stop. Ellie grabbed my hands -- just as the other night when I nearly hit the fucking carpet in the casino -- and held on tightly.

'I need to sit and think.'
'Okay. Let's get to the lounge.'

We strolled slowly into the Luxor and hooked around near Flight. Slumping into a booth, the worry was taking me from myself so quickly that I faltered and dropped through the floor. I rested my head on Ellie's shoulder and mumbled all of my concerns into her waiting ear as she held on. The kitten sweetly listened and suggested that perhaps my flying there one last time before repairing my life was not a good idea. She was very happy to see me yet again, but the damage I had been causing for years was catching up to me. Ugh. Quiet, sitting, and no more words as I realized I would have been better off staying home. Fuck.



409



My phone lit up with another pair of messages from Dani. Oof. Ignore.

I had to do something. Anything. After moments of sitting there and calming somewhat, I addressed Ellie in all seriousness and told her I needed to think a while. My life simply could not continue in the same direction for fear of turning myself into a pile of nothingness. For whatever reason, my brain actually computed that the massive illusion had to cease, and soon. I felt strong enough to move away from the goblet's pull and into something which could satiate me enough to remain home. It just popped in there. The emotional nature of the previous trip, along with all of the crazy maneuvering to get where I desired was sitting there like a test weight bearing down on me. Not really regret, just concern that I had forcefully blinded myself to all things other than the tunnel vision and need to escape into a flowing dream of control and comfort. I made it all happen, towed the suffering Andrea along at her request, flew away over and over, hid ourselves from all that we knew, and floated through an ethereal space only the two of us occupied. Everything seemed clear at the time, but hitting me differently there in the booth with the kitten. I felt bad, guilty, overwhelmed with remorse over causing so much trouble for myself and others. Months after dashing away with the vast love and beauty that was the angel, I finally felt everything. Slammed, hurt, shameful.

I repeated that my room was immediately necessary. Ellie pulled me up and we returned to the Mandalay with all haste. Done.

Into the room, straight to the sofa, and looking at the bed all messy from the two of us sleeping the night together. I stared as Ellie sat with a glass of water. The bed. That bed. My bed? No, it belonged to the resort. The other beds... Luxor, Venetian, Polynesian. How many? Different women, all the time. Yes, Andrea and I were together for weeks, in the Venetian twice and the Polynesian for many nights together. Was I feeling guilt? Not exactly, but something akin to gluttony, like I purposely drowned myself into everything which I knew full well was bad for me and did it anyway for the thrill. A druggie. A junkie. An alcoholic mess of a person who had little control over clear thought and went for it all anyway. Still looking at the bed. Still. Staring.

'I need to go home for a bit. Will you be ok alone?'
'I think so.'
'Alright. I will be back at two.'

One hug and Ellie dashed. I immediately responded to Dani that dinner was all set, but not in my hotel room. She pleasantly replied there were no worries and asked of a time. Six, Stripsteak. Yes. And that was that. Ellie's exit (heh) was fortuitous in that I had to get my head in order and work on myself for a while. I primped and stepped out the door toward Kelly's place of work, ignoring Ellie's kind requests that I avoid drinking too much. Across the floor and to the bridge where Dani stood outside the restaurant, and into the Luxor. Aurora on the horizon. Just a little while earlier I was there outside Flight falling apart over the issues which seemed to follow me no matter the amount of bliss within which I could drown, but decided to head across to the sultry lounge again. And Kelly. And alcohol. And thinking. Ugh. Fuck.



577



I slipped in from the lobby side to see a few tables occupied but room for me. There was the same bartender and Kelly standing beautifully at the service side. Oy God, could I actually tell the gorgeous woman that I needed to stay away? Just sitting for one minute and seeing her slenderness there drove me up the wall as usual and I wanted the sex again. Fuck me. Perpetual, nearly every moment. I waited, and when she arrived with a big smile I lost my shit. I had to try stopping something I knew was harmful to my head. How? Years had found me forcing and leveraging my surroundings in order to find what I so badly needed and she was right there. To make matters worse, the time Kelly and I had spent in the privacy of my hotel room was absolute bliss. The woman was gentle, caring, soft, and so very genuine. Knowing we could be in the same dreamy place again was pushing the separation away at high speed. Steeling myself against such desire felt difficult in the extreme. There she was, standing before me looking like the culmination of those stunning images that made up my brain. And her scent drove me up the wall. Kelly greeted me with a hug as she bent forward due to me being seated. My head went into the fucking exosphere as the need to ravage her took all the sense and shredded it like so much office paper. Damn it all. Push it, dumb ass... Push. Try. Steel. Fuck. Breasts right there in my face.

Success. I stopped it cold with harsh thoughts of going home before drowning further.

I sat there awhile, sipping and glancing as Kelly moved about the big lounge. With each step I saw the curves which were in my hands. They would not be on display in front of me again. To see her in person again was very nice, though, and my appearance there seemed to draw a smile. I stayed calm after forcing a nude version of Kelly out of my brain. The main issue was having the time and comfort to consider my circumstances and create a plan for the coming days and weeks. Hmm... Week. Weak. Heh. Kelly returned and sat.

Brain fade. Again. The dress pulled my eyes out as she sat there just as the day before… Knees together, double-gap staring back at me, that smooth line from the tops of her slender thighs that ran up and around to the underside of her chest, and her soft skin in stark contrast to the black dress. I could not resist dreaming of Kelly’s skin all over mine. I kept pushing it away and nearly drooling at the same time. She smiled as we spoke quietly about what took place and my need to flee the goblet. I tried to explain further about why the trip and sights had been so damaging. That was not easy. Kelly saw my hurting eyes and suggested we speak in private because she wished to help. Oy. Private. Heroin. Jesus, could I keep away? My track record by that point in time had been a problem when it came to saying no toward anything bad for me. I did my best to relax and remember dinner with Dani as well as hopefully sleeping with Ellie again. At some point the decision had to be made, but my desire to be in that warmth was pushing in the opposite direction. My head continued to flip-flop as Kelly rose to return to the bar. I could not think straight. She was so nice.



634



I basically told Kelly that I would not be seeing her again. I had to stay detached. My head told me to stop and be alone and that was that. Kelly understood as we had spoken quite a bit. She smiled, hugged me tightly, and wished me well. I thanked her profusely for spending her valuable time with me and left the lounge. My head was spinning with thoughts of the past two days along with knowing that the situation there was very different than in the past. I had been running toward an embrace for years but suddenly found myself in the goblet to get away from home. I ran with nothing in mind other than the need to just disappear for a while. As I walked through the casino without a destination, I began to feel like the trip was not a very good idea. No more Kelly, but Dani still floated out there. Hmm. Stop. I had to consider possibilities before meeting the kitten again. Back to Flight. I plopped and stared at that pathway which led me and so many others back and forth from one resort to the other throughout the years. Painful thought, sordid memories, and the lingering fact that going home again was nearer than I wished. Necessary, but unwanted. I needed to be as in the past... Reckless, lustful, uncaring, but such a me was not there. I left.

Halfway across the bridge and there was Dani looking like a tidy dessert full of hair. I approached her as everything was pushed back far enough for the other me to make an appearance. Her smile helped.

'I was trying to get a hold of you.'
'I'm sorry, lots of things going on. Dinner still?'
'Yes.'

There it was, but why that girl was so willing to be with me seemed a mystery. Perhaps my facade still held strong. No matter, because a dim, quiet meal sounded wonderful. And I snapped myself enough to tell Ellie in a little while. I set a time with Dani to meet me next door and left her with a wink. Off to the Island lounge for some medicine.

I sat as far as possible from others, lit a cigarette and awaited what I hoped was an unattractive server. Oy, nope. A brunette approached, smiling and alluring, asked of my needs and turned immediately upon me ordering. Nice. I watched her trot back to the service bar and did not dream of flying into her clothing. That was different. Nothing. Each server there had a unique look and I recognized a few from the previous trip. After connecting with Kelly so recently, I just was not feeling like throwing myself at anyone. Not even the adorable Dani and her little waddling cheeks. I just needed to sit and enjoy the atmosphere while straightening my thoughts. When my drink arrived, I gushed about her hair and eyes. A simple thank you as my scotch hit the napkin, and out. Wow. No response other than courtesy. Immediately I knew I could remain sunk in there for quite a while without causing her or myself any further issue. Two hours until Ellie and no one there to slow the booze. Did I care? Not one bit. If I ended up hammered in my own hotel room it was solely my decision and I needed some numbness. Second drink, second compliment. Again, nothing. Excellent. Not even my watery, broken eyes could stare at her legs for any decent amount of time. I actually found myself comfortable alone. A little while later I rose to leave, threw some words at the server which effectively pushed the point that she was amazing to see, and headed to the elevator. I had to get myself together for Ellie while extracting another pair of legs from my head. Plus dinner with the other little one. Ugh.



578



Soon enough the kitten walked into my room as I was sinking into the sofa.

'Did you eat?'
'Not since this morning.'
'Let's go mister. I'm hungry.'
'Yes ma'am.'

Ellie again looked like a million bucks as we cruised down to the floor and into the House. The memories of Andrea were immediately injected in great detail of all those mid-mornings in Florida spent at the patio bar, and one in particular caused me to weep softly... The afternoon when I stepped across the big walkway and called to extend our stay, effectively shoving the impending damage far enough out that we felt comfortable again. I sat there at the bar as Ellie saw me dropping slightly and assured me that all was ok. I regaled her with more details of the trip and our daily bliss, and the catharsis seemed to help me maintain my composure for the time being. The sex? Her body? Gone from my head. Right next to me I saw some satin poking through her shoulder straps, cleavage, and those wondrous breasts resting comfortably within her beige bra. Thighs, shoulders, lips, hair all over the place and smelling like dessert, yet still I was not in mind of anything physical. There was enough going on inside me without trying to shove it far away and begin to think inside her clothing.

We sat there and spoke about everything, including me going home one day soon. As was my custom, there was no return flight. I ran out of town on a one-way with no plan. Ellie did not push at all, instead keeping her words in the positive and sweet as always. Her concern over work seemed minimal and allowed her to spend some time with me. I revealed that I had a dinner date to which she expressed no surprise at all. Heh. My near-constant need for exploration disallowed me complete relaxation. The desire to be with attractive company often skewed normal thought and derailed many a day in the past, and in keeping with my obsession I wished to meet with Dani and see her up close. Privacy and intimacy were not as high on my list during lunch, leaving me to think of dinner and showing Dani a side of Vegas that she had previously not had the opportunity to enjoy. Just dinner. Yes, the girl was gorgeous, shaped and aligned with my obsession, however I felt the rest moving away in favor of comfort and quiet conversation. Ellie was very understanding of me -- just as our prior days together -- and wished me nothing but happiness. Hints of flying came up here and there but I assured that kitten of my returning home soon, and in much better shape than the last time I left the goblet. Smile, smooch, and we left the House for my room. A long embrace later...

'I will see you after dinner, okay?'
'Yes, please.'

And out the door again. Ellie had too much on her mind to spend the afternoon gallivanting on my lax schedule. Her exit meant I was free until meeting Dani. The nagging discomfort over dreaming of Andrea and me in Florida led me to thinking that a few cocktails may help me relax, so I freshened and took off for something different. All of my past trips were spent in the same places around the south strip and the last thing I needed was to dredge up those occasions with any number of women to whom I was attached. The idea of cruising into unknown territory felt safer. To the lobby for a taxi north.



600



Out. Up. Across. Stop. Nope.

That just was not going to work. I backed myself away from the lobby of the tallest point in town and hailed another cab to return south. The atmosphere was very family-driven, and being in close proximity to the Circus meant I could not deal with much. All those people resembled the couple in Florida who tried to fit Andrea and me, and then failed miserably. I had to get out of there. Back down the boulevard to TI and then a stroll in the heat next door. I dropped at the Center bar nearly an hour after leaving the Mandalay lobby and began to slam water like a champ. One drink came by, I spoke to no one at all, and sat there keeping myself to myself. The bartender let me be as I calculated dinner with Dani, meeting the kitten after, and the possibility of sleeping all wrapped up in her scent. Andrea was still in there and I heard her voice over and over asking me to promise that I would care for myself. Oy God that woman still pulled at me to improve. I could see her big eyes beckoning me to make a change and just try moving in a direction other than sideways. Scotch number two arrived with a smile as I tried to reconcile everything that had taken place throughout those many months of floating within an alcohol- and sex-laden Gulag. There were no answers nor was I able to learn of the reasoning behind running around the country and drowning into the most damaging illusion imaginable. I began to drop a bit. Time to go back and wash the heat off my body in anticipation of a dark table with Dani. She was an unknown but still pushed to see me. The entire dinner date was already laid out... Stories, memories, staring at her little shapely body, and likely wishing to be intimate. Such was me.

I thanked the bartender and took to the street.

Walking in black silk did not last long. I ducked into the palace to make a path through the conditioned air, strolled across into the Bellagio as the big Venetian stared at me from across the way. It seemed to be following me with hungry eyes as if to draw me back. No way. I kept going with a glance back before entering the plush and quiet resort. Further toward my home as others milled around and shot pictures with excited eyes. I felt none of it. The sights were not there for me at all, and each step had me dreaming of the angel on my arm looking like the goddess she was. Fuck me. I could not shake it. Onward, with Andrea swimming beautifully inside my brain. There was the PH and one of those places we sat and whispered loving words. A bit south by the MGM where she grabbed me after an Italian meal and asked that we return home and ravage each other. And then the fucking pyramid off in the distance calling to me as always. Inside and off the bridge from the castle sat that fucking lounge where I felt I was a part of the furniture. And all of the names attached to Aurora... Ashley and her never-ending legs, Lanie's loving help in trying to crack me open and find reasons, Juliette the dream walking her gazelle-legs up the long ramp from the lobby, Sandra bouncing her way to me from the bar with that Egyptian smile, and Nikki gesturing to me that she wanted to connect, after which I lived through one of the toughest returns home I could have imagined. The sharp glass top of that building awaited me falling from the sky and becoming a permanent impaled part of a city I felt was mine. I loved and hated it all at once. Stop looking. Keep walking.



623



And God damn was that a long walk.

Upon reaching the giant Sphinx after deciding that I did not wish to see Aurora, I paused along with others to gaze at the lit eyes and half-billion candlepower beam reaching for the dusky sky. I did not realize at the time, but my stroll down Las Vegas Boulevard took more than an hour and a half. Sweating, tired, and in need of cooled comfort, I rolled along the Valet line and into the main entrance. There was a pointed effort avoiding the sight of the lounge as I steered toward the corner inclinator and headed for my home away from home. On through as my brain processed way too many memories and the beginnings of needing to flee that town. I made a beeline upstairs, dropped all of my clothes to the floor, stood at the big, gold window and stared at what could have been my sad demise on more than one occasion. The Luxor stared back like the machine it had to be, with that beam pointing up to infinity. Below were the black, angled windows, along which I often dreamed of sliding to end the pain of being me.

I dragged one of the chairs to the window and plopped to ponder dinner and my situation. Meeting Dani at my second-favorite restaurant was just an hour ahead which left me wondering how I might survive sitting, speaking, and gazing at what seemed the hundredth woman to pique my interest. Nothing ever seemed enough… From running away to detach from everyday life to throwing myself at a woman's embrace and melting as if the world was done. Ellie had been sweet and kind with her loving support. The last trip when Andrea departed led me to lunge at the kitten in search of a heart and soul into which I could find solace after such a devastating loss. Andrea left a hole the size of Texas. Ellie nearly filled it. But what about Kelly? I needed to look at her and see those things in my head right before my eyes and it led her to want me physically. Was that wrong? I supposed not, however others at home still viewed me as a floozy most of the time. And though my activities on those trips were private, my lifestyle was such that it was likely written all over my face. Andrea knew. She just knew everything. Could I meet with Dani and have nothing more than dinner and conversation?

Time to get ready.

Out the door a little while later with every intention of staying away from my room no matter the feelings of being near another gorgeous woman. I pushed it away. Focus, relax, and await the kitten's return in a little while. As I rode the elevator down, a couple glanced toward me. I could feel it. I turned my head and they ceased. Immediately I was uncomfortable with my appearance, so upon reaching the floor I dashed past the Island and into the restroom at the mouth of restaurant row. Mirror. Nothing. Hmm. I was not vain, but figured something caused them to look at me and that meant checking. I had no wish to show myself to the hostess with something goofed up. Whatever. Being satisfied that I could be acceptably dressed for anything along that pathway, I cruised out and toward a badly-needed cocktail.



624



Dani was already there, sitting across from the kiosk and appearing like any other guest. Nope. I walked up and greeted her, big hug and smile, and I took her hand and led her past the exotic hostess and straight to the glowing bar. Dani looked bright and excited to be there. I could not blame her after learning that she had not been exposed to such places. The bartender greeted us and turned to take care of business. At that point we had the opportunity to speak without restrictions, so onward through my reasoning for asking her to meet me in the first place. Upon receiving something to drink, I found myself fighting inside. A battle between leaving my desire alone or allowing everything within me to fly off my lips toward Dani's cuteness and shapely form. Leaning toward being nothing more than a dinner companion, I tried to keep my eyes above her neck and my words light. The girl looked wonderful, all flowing hair and clothes designed around my obsessive nature. She wore tapered jeans, booties, and a buttoned top in blue which showed off her slender arms and exposed neck of smooth wonder. When she sat and faced me, I glanced toward that place unavoidable, and there were the openings through which her thigh radii screamed at me as if my ears were unable to ignore. Breasts pushing, skin tone glowing, and the scent of fragrance. Fuck me. After perusing politely, I lent my attention to her eyes and set the rest aside. Her joy in simply sitting among the glitz and colored lighting helped me to keep anything else at bay.

I asked if she wished to sit at a table and immediately received a pronounced yes. Dani smiled as I rose to address the hostess. Up and off the stools, we were led to a corner as I requested. A wall on one side and the massive floor-to-ceiling window separating the dining room from the huge convention center walkway on the other. Nice. Dani sat there with an expression unlike I had been accustomed. She looked like a woman who had only dined in bright family buffets and never was brought to the higher end of restaurants. I loved it. Super cute. Throughout dinner Dani asked here and there of why I wished to see her socially. I decided to just fucking gush everything, from the flight to Pensacola, meeting the angel, and all the way to Natalie and my diminishing desire to lead an everyday life with a schedule. She listened intently and appeared sympathetic despite my seeming inability to make an educated decision about nearly anything. She told me that I looked like I belonged in the Vegas atmosphere and knew it well enough to be some sort of host. Heh. Funny. Her eyes remained soft and nonjudgmental the entire time. During the quiet moments while we ate, I made up my mind about asking her for anything beyond company. To that end, the idea of treating her cuteness to dinner the following night seemed nice. I threw it out there and immediately saw a smile.

'Sure!'
'Maybe around the corner from here.'
'Okay.'

God damn she was so fucking cute that I could have dove over the table and swallowed that girl in one piece. We sat for quite a while, and eventually Dani suggested a nightcap. Hmm... Where? I checked the time and decided to take charge as was my custom. We left the cozy steakhouse as she thanked me for dinner and as we strolled toward the Luxor I felt her hand find mine. Holy God was that nice. Fingers intertwined along with a little tickle here and there. Fuck me. I had to cease the heat and cap my thoughts. Dani was gorgeous, shapely, and smelled like dessert, but I did not want the evening to go south. I shut it off and paced us into Flight.



625



More conversation and some wine led the hour, and I was granted permission to stare at her features without limit. Dani told me that after our little exchange at the House bar, she knew what I needed and did not mind being a bit of a subject. Nothing else came up as I successfully kept my brain away from that heroin I knew was warm and waiting inside whatever underthings she may have been wearing. Kelly's beautifully crafted thighs popped into my thinking, and extracting such a sight took much effort. That woman absolutely caught me off-guard with her request for intimacy of the highest order. I just could not believe that she went in a sexual direction. And there was no way I was going to say anything in the negative. She was just too beautiful and sexy standing before me with her entire form on stunning display. I pushed all of that away yet again and sat quietly to enjoy the sights and sounds. Dani's company was warm and so very sweet. At one point she asked if I was all heated up and I told her that I was doing my best to keep it at arm's length.

Our server was unreal with her dark-eyed smile, curvy dress, and instinct of remaining away as Dani and I spoke. The server looked amazing. I had to shut that shit off as well. Ugh.

We wrapped the evening with a meeting time the next night and one nice, long hug. I received signals that Dani wished for nothing more than conversation, so I chose my words carefully. One goodnight and I stood leering at her little ass walking toward the parking garage. I was warmed by thoughts of sex and Ellie coming to see me soon. A smiling wave to our server and I made my way upstairs.

Into my big room, again the clothes were tossed, and straight to my chair at the window. There was the beam, that huge sphinx, and all of the beauty that is the south strip. I stared and tried to see my future but it was obscured by bright lights and overshadowed by tons of memories. All of them. I kept thinking of Ellie coming soon and her sweetness toward me. I needed to sleep but did not wish to miss her arrival. The idea of something to drink led me to the phone for an order we could enjoy if the evening went in that typical direction of deep conversation. An hour. Nice. The kitten had my key card so I stepped into the shower for a bit, and upon emerging she was there on the sofa. Yes.

'Hello my dear.'
'Hi kitten.'

Fucking hell, she was so cute sitting there with shorts and bare feet, above showing off much skin via a spaghetti-strapped tank. I lost my train of thought as she rose to greet me with a warm hug. Those gorgeous breasts pressed against me and brought my head down into that familiar territory. Pressure immediately. I apologized for the obvious display of involuntary desire, and Ellie giggled in response. Upon hearing her do such a thing, I fell off a cliff and could no longer contain my disillusionment with societal standards. I harshly broke away and stepped to the window with eyes tearing up. I could not handle the image of myself there with protruding flesh and what appeared a reaction born of instinct and evolution. I fell hard. And that was that. No more desire, no more smiling, no more anything other than discomfort.

Wine and snacks at the door. Impeccable timing.



626



Ellie dashed to receive our trolley full of things I no longer wanted, and then returned to me after shoving them aside. She knew I was fucked up in the head. So sweet. I felt embarrassed, worried, full of disdain over being a male, and wishing to be a million miles away at that point. I could not handle the display of my involuntary reaction to thoughts of her sex and our time together during the current trip, as well as after I lost the angel. I clung, felt reckless and lunged in whatever direction seemed to have the possibility of lifting me from the gates of hell. I was without sense, drunk, suicidal, and Ellie responded to me lovingly and ignoring everything I said about myself in favor of focusing upon the positives. And then we connected sexually and I lost my head inside her gentle nature and loving care. After seeing Dani, lusting over Kelly and her unreal form standing nude in front of me, Ellie's attention drew me to the point of pressure very quickly.

Ashamed, hellish thoughts took over and I broke in half.

Done. Finished. I curled up into a ball and kept my mouth shut. I could speak no more about anything related to my being in the fucking goblet. Ellie sensed my condition and laid against me silently. The trolley sat there being ignored, the beam remained stolid and powerfully showing off the nature of the beast. My seemingly unending need to drown into that machine disappeared instantly. I sent a one-finger salute to the light, fell back into the sofa, and closed my eyes to the world. Ellie stayed still and likely had no idea what to say. Her instincts on my previous trip were amazing to the point of confusing me. I was completely defeated by everything, full of hellish thoughts about my entire life, and too tired to attempt the simplest of thoughts.

Good fucking night.

The middle of the night found me fucked up even more than lying on the sofa with the kitten. She was still next to me in the bed, completely out of her clothing, and resting quietly. I absolutely could not believe that I had run back to that city in need of something other than the boredom and loneliness which defined my life after those many weeks of running around the country. Everything seemed to sit on my head at the same time and push me down. Ellie was right there nice and soft. Her attention toward me during the previous wreck of a trip had been wonderful and fulfilling to a point, and when she returned to me after leaving her job I did my best to show her the same. I wanted to help, and considering what an effort was required for me to do anything, that was a stretch. I did my best, and then fell down again after feeling so twisted over my desire. All at once I wished to be free of those things, free of the need, and in a place where none of that ever crossed my mind again. Was I overthinking the whole fucking thing? Of course, such was me. As the hour grew ever later, I rested my head and tried to let everything fall away.

Early morning. No sunshine.



627



I looked over to the window and saw the wine and snacks that sat untouched from the night before. Ugh. That had been tough with the whole of progress in society sitting on my head. Everything made me tired. I was too sensitive for functioning like an average person, or at least as far as I had observed while around others. I constantly felt as if I was living in some sort of ethereal space and floating from one difficult situation to the next. Around differing people, all of the complexities and social aspects of sex and society spun webs of confusion and yearning for understanding, all the while my facade remaining unbroken yet held up by threads. I could not let others in which meant bottling up everything and keeping it locked away. During those times when my guard needed to drop… Well, there was a woman right there listening intently. Ellie. Right there. Years of dreaming and needing the elusive type of satiation had driven me to reckless, selfish and uncaring decisions and a mint spent on the same. I did not care. I just had to run and find the space to explore my desire. Right next to me was an example of something I had nearly given up. And the more I thought about how strongly those situations pulled at me, the more I realized that escaping into a dream could not be avoided. Given the freedom and resources necessary for fulfilling my desire opened a door not easily closed. I snuggled back under the covers and wrapped Ellie’s warmth in my arms. She felt me there and reciprocated. I heard a whisper telling me that she wished to stay late into the morning. Very nice, although thoughts of being home again and likely for the last time were piling. I had to relish every second.

'Are you ok?'
'Better, but worried.'
'Just hold me.'

Fuck was she a sweetheart. Again her body and beauty pressed at my desire, eventually becoming apparent just like the night before when I fell off the edge of the planet. I could not help it. The worry did not shut off any reaction to her lying next to me. Ellie again noticed and turned to hold my face in her soft hands.

'It's ok. It is.'

More sweetness from her. There was no end to it. After a kiss, my brain was split in half between asking her to take it away or leaving things light and relaxing. I did not have the mental ability to make a decision. As enticing as the idea was, I stayed quiet and left it alone. She followed suit and curled up again. A little while later we dropped into sleep again.

Mid-morning. I needed booze and calm. We arose and I immediately asked if we could spend time together before my dinner with Dani. Ellie loved the idea of cruising around to whatever looked good. Fantastic. All of the thinking, dropping, rising, and falling had me ready to sink into the plush life I loved so much. And to have that kitten on my arm for a day of luxury seemed ideal.



601



I noticed she brought a bag of clothing. Ellie had planned on spending the day with me. Wow. We stepped into the shower and went through our routine (and the fact that we had done that together so many times that we actually had a routine was nuts), her hands washing me and mine soaping her skin. Oy God I began to fall for the usual reasons when Ellie took my face in her slippery hands and assured me that I was a normal male and nothing that took place between us brought her anything other than joy and comfort. She was not worried. Finished, out, and dry. Ellie looked amazing without her clothing and I could not stop staring. She stood facing me, feet together, with all of her right before my eyes. Fuck me.

'Sit on the sofa. I will care for you before we leave.'

Wow. And she was sans clothing. Ellie kissed me deeply as her hands wandered softly. I was out of my mind in moments, after which she waddled her little rear to the sofa (with my eyes glued to every inch), sat me down, tied her beautiful hair and kneeled to the carpet. From that moment and for the next several, she brought me a loving satisfaction that I thought was gone for good. Her eyes remained closed as I relaxed and became stupefied by her willingness to please me in a way that I found necessary for my survival. All of the pain and difficult years melted away as I felt appreciated like I had not since seeing the angel. Ellie knew me well enough to push buttons that sent me into orbit. After the shower I was already brainless, and to see her gorgeous nude body all exaggerated at the midsection, legs folded squarely in half, and those nipples dangling and pointing slightly away from each other was a sight I had to deeply absorb. I had to think of each detail and every second, cherishing as much as possible for fear of never seeing any of it again. Ellie glanced and paused with a smile every now and then. Her affection was unreal. Jesus fuck, I tried to relax and think about all of it, but in the end became lost in something which brought thoughts of the past, emotional overload, and finally into a place unlike anything on earth. The years of pain and longing melted away as Ellie showed me that my being a male was valid and important. God love her.

Hug. Tears. Silence.

'Let’s go north and sink into the plush, ok?'
'Yes ma'am, if I can think straight.'

I freshened up on weak, shaky legs as Ellie dressed herself in a mind-blowing outfit of black stretch pants and a buttoned blouse with no fucking sleeves. Booties below elevated her eyes to mine. Her burgundy lingerie was hidden away except for a glimpse of silk straps at the shoulders. That kitten drew me from myself like no one else. I failed to process thoughts as we exited my big room and strolled to the elevator with her arm wrapped to mine, accompanied by a satisfied smile. Her joy in pleasing me warmed my heart. As we walked to the lobby I felt a comfort which again brought me back to the angel, and along that line, I began to see Ellie in a similar light... loving, understanding, caring, and so aligned to my way of thinking that I moved through a cloud of disbelief over the fortune in connecting with her months earlier and at a time when my primary mindset was to be beneath the soil.

Taxi. The Palace. Oy.



602



The long walk through that massive resort ended with Ellie leading us directly into the Palm, and she did so despite my silent protests. I had deeply meaningful memories of that restaurant with Andrea and Juliette. Ellie knew all about it but never really pried into the details of why all of it was so important to me. Part of my mind wished to leave them alone and never disturb those times by visiting with anyone else. The other part felt it was necessary to begin extracting painful thoughts and injecting newer, more enjoyable memories to help me deal with the fallout. That did not work so well upon reaching home after such a long trip, although the possibility could not be denied. I decided that Ellie knew her shit and kept my tongue in check. We took to a table and enjoyed some delicious lunch along with cocktails. The experience was very relaxing. Ellie looked stunning and her eyes told me much as we sat. Two hours... Tipsy and silly, we strolled back out of that wonderful venue and headed back through the northern end of the club toward the Seahorse. I began to feel the pressure of going home the next morning and apparently the issue was all over my face. The kitten remarked that I needed to just enjoy the simplicity of cruising the big resorts without worry. We had time, and that meant I could stay attached to her for hours. I tried doing as she requested but the idea of home still pushed, and not in that good of a way.

The Seahorse. Julie. Yes, that Julie with the peach bra and breasts upon which I had been given permission to feast, and that before we ever hooked up for dinner in the Venetian. Fuck me. Those globes drew me like a gun. We never met during that hellish time, however the dreams of such a vixen were clear for days after. Ellie and I slid into one of the big booths and she asked of the server I told her about months earlier when she directed me to cut off my meeting. We both laughed at her forceful nature while toward me. The light mood helped me to ease up on myself about flying away as we sipped wine and talked of the type of atmosphere which draws male attention. Decades of those resorts being built upon the shoulders of the weak-minded wallet-heavy folks had resulted in some of the most beautiful architecture I had ever seen. We marveled and spoke about our current server with her hair nearly to knees and breasts pushed up and out of control. She was not terribly attractive, although precisely along the exaggerated lines for pulling eyes into the lounge and carrying on with getting the almighty dollars out of their pockets. More laughing at the idea of such extravagant luxury with tons of people running around more than happy to continue the forward motion of a machine bent upon robbing them blind.

Two hours, just like in the Palm, found us running out of gas so we decided to take it easy for a little while in my room. We took the path back through and out of the club, noticing that the weather had actually cooled enough to spend time outside. We walked slowly across to the Bellagio and back out the south end after gawking at yet another creation. Seeing the beautiful ceilings in the Bellagio reminded me of the times spent in the gorgeous Monte Carlo with Juliette, Andrea, whomever. That little lounge off to the side of the main casino was dim and very comfortable, like Double Helix only larger. Slowly we made our way further down to New York and ducked inside to see families taking photos while wearing squareheaded clothing with young children in tow. Ugh... A scene so alien to me that I may have well been sitting in a brightly-lit Denny's alongside retirees looking to save a buck. Vegas was the most pronounced gradient between the lowest and highest platforms in life. Sex, money, alcohol, and specifically designed to keep visitors distracted from everything with which they should be concerned. Us? We knew all of it and looked upon the operation as something to enjoy. Watching others was a big part of my lifestyle. As such? I made comparisons between them and myself in order to remain focused upon the differences which kept me alive. Ellie knew every bit of it and loved the manner in which I categorized everything. Every now and then her eyes met mine and I spied a deep appreciation for my spending time with her. Little did the kitten know, she was most of the reason I could smile at all by that point in the trip.

Our long walk helped me to put things into perspective. I finally felt that going home would not kill me. Whatever else might draw it out of me, the flight was going to be ok.



622



Into the castle. Again... Families, wide-eyed children, and photos galore. We cruised straight through under the big gate and across the drawbridge, pachinko-balling our way through the loads of people marveling and gawking at the nature of that resort. The two of us began to remind me of the way Andrea and I looked so out of place in Disneyworld alongside others dressed for comfort and convenience. We made our way through the multitude and over to the bridge which led to the pyramid. I was beginning to feel very tired of walking and suggested that we sit a while in the big lounge. The draw of numbness pulled me toward the alcohol as images of home flashed within. Ellie held tight along the way without a word. She read me like a book after spending so much time together and knew I was weighed down by everything. The whole year appeared as a haphazard slide show of me running around the country and allowing myself to be blinded by pictures of those gorgeous women and exotic locales full of escape. Home was becoming more and more necessary.

'Hello again, mister.'

Ellie looked straight to my face before addressing the server.

'You must be Kelly.'
'Yes, and you must me Eleanor.'

Wow. After a slight bit of nausea at that little introduction, I slumped down and stared at Ellie awaiting some kind of sentence I had no wish to hear. Nothing. Just a smile. Further into the chair. We ordered two caps and watched the goddess that was Kelly walk beautifully back to the service bar. Ellie's eyes lit up and turned back to me as my stomach twisted into a pretzel. Fuck me, what a moment. She then addressed me in a playful manner...

'Jesus.'
'Yeah. Hmm.'

We sat and talked of Kelly and me being together not long before, after which Ellie put my mind at ease by smiling even more and taking my hands in hers.
'It's ok, my dear. I know you.'
'Fucking hell, kitten.'

I no longer wanted the coffee. Heh. I wanted to be drunk. More discussion of my nature took place before I decided that sitting there was too uncomfortable to go on much longer. Ellie read my face and suggested we move to the bar in order to avoid being served by that girl. I slammed the cap and rose to get away from the table I would not soon forget. To the bar with all haste.

Much better, although the image of Kelly's never-ending thrall and beauty still pulled me from myself. I could not help it, and that was pretty tough considering the loveliness sitting right next to me. Ellie and I spoke quietly about the nature of my lifestyle, the imagery in that town, and my upbringing being such a dramatic hook to me as I aged. All of the experiences when I was young had driven me to run toward sin city whenever things seemed too much to handle at home. The action was taken time and time again and never had resulted in anything good, least of all the condition of my head. I did it anyway, and knowing there was always at least a chance of diving into the plush life there and forgetting who I really was to others provided just enough of a push to get me the fuck out of everything. I had revealed my past to Ellie on the previous trip so she knew plenty already. Meeting Kelly there in that most beautiful and haunted of lounges represented just another little tidbit Ellie expected. Telling her that I had connected with a woman was one thing... Seeing them meet was entirely different. But she understood. She really did.

Time to drink. Fuck it. No objections. And then a question out of nowhere...



650



'Wanna go back out there and see her again?'
'What?'
'Come on.'

Ellie pulled at me to return to the big chairs as my head tried to calculate what she was doing. I stayed quiet and decided to remain that way until learning of her crazy motives. When Kelly approached I did my best to avoid words and stared at her dress like always. She sat to take our order as others looked over at the vast display of gorgeous women flanking me. Fucking hell, anyway. Booze incoming, Ellie giggling, and Kelly walking back to the bar just like a dream in motion. I turned back to my lovely partner and expressed discomfort at her finding the situation so humorous.

'Don't worry, sweetheart. As I said, I know you.'
'Um... Ok.'

More discussion of my nature until the goddess returned and sat again, smiling. I swilled a large portion of the scotch as my head needed it. Yes, medicine. I knew it well, and that meant that the associated damage would arise soon enough. Ellie and I talked again, after which I knew she was fine. I was not, however, and had to get across the multitude of difficulty inherent in being there in Aurora combined with Kelly and the memory of us together in my room. Ugh, all the way. The kitten continued to comfort me and had the look of an understanding, compassionate therapist. My brain began to calm as I realized that nothing was out of place there. Ellie had not one issue with me or my actions. Nothing at all. Her smiling and soft eyes were constant. And her physical affection did not cease. Hands, arms, wonderful looks. She was amazing.

'I know you have a dinner date again. Let's stay a bit longer and then I will take off for home, ok?'
'Okay my dear. Thank you for being such a doll.'
'Of course. I will return tonight.'

Why was Ellie such a wonderful person? Did I deserve that? Jesus fucking hell, anyway, I just did not understand how I drew so much caring from others. I began to calculate leaving the goblet with the knowledge that upon reaching my little cave I would be questioning both that fact and a million others. And I would be doing it alone. That was unpleasant, to say the least. Just as my head wrapped itself into thoughts of my isolated balcony, Kelly waddled her picturesque ass back to us with a tray. Her breasts were bulging and screaming at me to stare but I did my best to focus upon my partner. When Kelly bent to serve our drinks, her chest became much more visible. A smile and off she went. Ellie then looked at me with disbelief.

'Wow.'
'Yeah.'

We sat quietly for a while longer and finished the booze before rising and saying goodbye to Kelly. Hugs, breasts pressed to breasts as I watched and dreamed of both women, and then a smooch. Out, hand in hand.

Back across to the Mandalay and up to my big room once again. Upon moving inside, Ellie came to me for a hug and proceeded to blow up my head with compliments and statements adding up to me being a wonderfully kind, caring, and understanding soul. She stood there with big eyes and made me listen to everything. I was floored and could not avoid a tear. Another hug, a soft kiss to my lips, and she told me that once the hour was late she would be slipping in to sleep next to me. God damn son of a bitch. What a beautiful person to continue pushing me up despite my insane decisions and behavior. Once her peace was said, that beautiful girl strolled out of my room again and the door announced my being alone for a while. I lost my clothes, poured a glass of water, and fell to the bed for a nap. My head was filled with warm feelings.



649



I woke at the alarm and went straight to the shower, anticipating a final cozy meal in the town I loved and hated. Out, dry, dressed, and feeling as if I was appropriate for anything. The alcohol had worn nearly all the way off which brought me clearer thinking than hours earlier in the presence of two overwhelming goddesses and a head full of sex and difficulty. I felt better, hungry and humbled by Ellie's loving ways. Time. Out the door.

We met at the bridge toward the House. As I approached Dani I noticed she was dressed similarly to the previous night. Fucking gorgeous. Her top reminded me of Andrea (not good) in that it was thin enough to let the outline of her bra show through, and in front it swooped just a bit. Her hair was all over the front and back, all wavy and shining. Pants? Yep... Another Andrea special as they appeared thin as fuck with only a seam around from front to back. I nearly stumbled walking to her beauty and tried to keep my eyes above board for a hug. Breasts pressed to me, a soft kiss on my cheek... God damn the world anyway. Dani smiled, took my hand, and asked of our restaurant choice. I gushed about how gorgeous she looked and led her to the bridge. She stood above me on the escalator and let my hands explore her little waist a bit. My head was far enough in to create pressure but I had to squash it early. I knew she wished for company and there had been no sexual signals to that point. I did my best to switch it off and focus upon the moment. We cruised with hands together to the failing Luxor Steakhouse and slid into the bar. Cozy, as it was every time. I kept the gushing to a minimum and we spoke about the reasoning behind my first dinner invite. After our peaceful conversation the previous night, Dani wished to learn of the beginning. I did my best in telling her what I had been through, but the details were unknown even to me. A bit later we moved to a booth and enjoyed (for my last time ever) an excellent meal. The entire evening had Dani’s eyes wide at dining at such a level. Check, smile, out.

Again hand-in-hand meandering back to my beloved Mandalay. Upon reaching the elevator, Dani stood still looking up at me. She appeared to be awaiting something, so I invited her up for a drink. An immediate yes, followed by a request that we keep some distance. Okay. Such a thing had been a problem with me as my past demonstrated, meaning I had to keep the desire in check. Once inside, I broke away to one end of the sofa and Dani took the other. Yep... Distance. Conversation. Gazing. Desire. Pressure.

Pain. All over my face.

'Are you ok?'
'I will be.'

The last discussion I wished to initiate was the long past. Dani told me that my eyes conveyed tons of emotion and I did not wish to leave her wondering, so I went into the obsession with great detail as she stayed fixated and hanging on every word. From the image of Mercedes to the girl at the car wash and on into my daily problems which arose at each and every sighting. Desire, pulling, slingshots, pressure... Everything. I went over the issues which arose from the insane desire Andrea exercised to please each of us along with the Goddamned problems dealing with being alone. Dani heard everything and began to let the tears flow. At that point she asked of the origin, and fuck me if I didn't let fly the story. How many fucking times did I sling that tale to a woman in a matter of months? It was that bad. I needed what I needed, but throughout the early part of the year I found myself loathing those words. By the time my shit story concluded, there was zero desire left in me and I was exhausted. No more of that. Just no more.

Dani stared without a word. I sat there ruined. She then closed the distance and held on. Soon after, I drifted off with a head full of far too much.



603



Hours later I awakened in the darkness. I was in the bed, still clothed, and alone. Dani had exited at some point and left me to rest. I could not decide whether or not to be appreciative or sad over the situation and the fact that I fell asleep before our conversation had a chance of resolution or some other conclusion. I was not terribly boozed up at that point in the evening, but still thoughts were foggy. I laid there for some time before clearing the cobwebs and trying to work through my circumstances. I checked my phone and saw nothing from anyone. After rising to undress and cool my face with some water, I dropped back to the sheets and rested my tired head. I had to pull myself together and think. After falling down over the sex and society on so many occasions I had become tired of it. Soothing words from understanding souls helped, but for whatever reason I still had issues built up in my head. There seemed no way of avoiding the drops. Off to sleep... No warm woman next to me.

Awake again in the dark. At that point I decided that I had to get out of there. I grabbed my phone and booked a flight for late morning. Ugh. When I returned the phone to the nightstand to charge, I noticed a note there on the house phone. Dani. Paragraphs, her name, and then a pile of little hearts at the bottom. Damn it, anyway. She laid out how wonderful I was along with words to the effect that I had been too kind and sweet toward her to not help myself rise. Yep, again a woman expressed the desire that I improve. She wrote that I was unique and she could not imagine a world without me in it, even if we never met again. I folded the note and flopped. Tears.

Back to sleep.

Dreams. Nothing good.

I was awakened a while later by a sliver of light coming from the hallway. Ellie slid through the door, dropped her clothes and climbed in next to me. She did not utter a word and simply wrapped around me. Oh boy did that feel nice after such a tough night. Being alone was the absolute bottom of the world. Ellie took that away instantly. I stayed quiet and melted into her embrace. Sleep again.

In the morning I told Ellie that I had a plan for leaving in a few hours. She expressed both joy and sadness over my deciding to leave and knew it had to happen. Every single fucking departure from that city -- save for one, of course -- was crippling and worrisome. All those arrivals at home had me concerned for my well-being and the reactions of others. The current trip was pretty quickly decided and a very short time had passed between booking the flight and driving my ass out of town. I had told only the neighbor who cared for my cats while I frolicked. Heh. I wish that was funny. Even the girl next door was an interest. Yep... After knowing her a short time that familiar instinct appeared. I was a hole constantly searching for comfort. Seeing her again to ask that she look after my cave and animals drove the thought of Vegas even deeper.

Without a word Ellie grabbed the phone and ordered some breakfast. We rose and showered for the last time and dressed comfortably. Very little was spoken between us in favor of eyes expressing much. Room service arrived a little while later and we enjoyed the experience of dining by the window with a view of my favorite, giant machine sprawling north. Twenty-seven floors up afforded a view of every single place I had visited for years. A combination of sadness and relief washed over me. Ellie appeared thoughtful. Soon after finishing our coffee, she told me her time to leave was upon us. Mine was approaching, too. Hug, loving words, caring eyes, and she grabbed her things. One turn at the doorway. A blown kiss. Shut. My head reacted as always by slamming reality back to the forefront. I gathered by crap and left ten minutes later. Checked out. Doors. Bye.

I watched the golden tri-wing fade into the distance as my taxi rolled across to McCarran for what felt like the hundredth time. Sadness swirled inside, yet somehow I felt a relief from the discomfort and uncertainty of the upcoming days and nights. Yes, my connections were warm and wonderful -- mostly Ellie who knew me quite well -- and at the outset I had no idea of what was to come. There were hopes of seeing that kitten. I could not help it because she held me up after such a loss. Ellie had a place in my heart for good. And her excitement over seeing me show up in the restaurant brought comfort to my mind. As the cab pulled in, the realization set in that I was not going to see her again. Her job went to shit, we had no contact information, and I had not visited her apartment. The only chance would be to seek Julie at First and learn where the kitten may be. For the time being, I had to focus upon home. Going back to the goblet seemed a bad idea for the first time that year. Unbelievable. Could I have learned something? Not really.

Boarding. Booze. Attendants looking like snacks to my deranged brain. I stayed quiet.

Landing. Deplaning. Shuttle. Slipper. Highway. See ya.

Another several days spent in the arms of the machine. I was left worse off, more depressed and lonely, and seeing my little cave again meant another fall. That was my last dash from home, ever. I strolled through the door, greeted my little furry friends, dropped the backpack, poured a double and went straight to the balcony. The ocean stared back coldly. I sat the glass down and thought of my neighbor. Up, out, knock knock. She opened the door and I softly thanked her profusely for helping me. Very nice. She smiled and offered the same type of care for my cats anytime. Back to my cave. Back to my drink. Back to my life of nothingness.

Sadness. Isolation. Months without anyone.

End of line."



archive this way



Random Quote:

"All sin tends to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is what is called damnation."
-- Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-1973)


top

coma cross
Valid XHTML!Valid CSS!