The Obsession and the Understanding

alert   Mature content     No. 14    Published August 7th, 2016 9:57am pdt      read ( words)     Past entries

"The current social and political climate on Facebook is helping to create an easy path for our direction lately. Between the Wolves and the weather outside the office windows, we are actually doing reasonably well for such a small group and considering our identity. The past few days have shown us that early spring can be calming despite our sour location. The clouds and rain make for a dim and shadowy atmosphere which in turn allows us to focus upon that which is most important... The obsession.

Her.

Due to the recent passing of Her unrealized birthday, we are once again falling through the floor. We knew this would happen. We knew the day would come and go and result in yet another drop. Somehow and for whatever reason, the situation is different today. Her image is always there burning within and without, yet this day brings a new crisis -- need. Yes, the blade has yet again cut into us and the unrelenting pressure to fulfill the dream is now forcing us into a fetal position and providing the least comfortable mental state in months. We know not what to do, yet sitting in front of this infernal editor has become more compelling than ever. We have been left here among this shit society with nothing more than words, images and memories. What this means above all things is we are mired within the obsession.



096


Considering the sheer number of descriptive essays and shining paragraphs devoted to Her over the past year, another is far from necessary to convey our depth of feeling. Still, such things feel necessary beyond drawing breath. We have placed many images among these pages in order to attempt piecing together Her features, each providing a small segment of Her overall appearance. Unfortunately, this is ridiculous and impossible. Only we have knowledge of Her look and the images convey nothing to the working public (that is, if anyone is seeing).

The opportunity to photograph Her passed us by last year and the result is the crippling feeling that we will never recover. Even if another example of such dark beauty flows into our lives, this type of exploration may not be possible. Others view what we need and feel as odd, compulsive, perverted, and/or wrong somehow. In this day and age of so much endless shit flowing across the oft-useless Internet we are still strange, according to the mass of sludge inhabiting this suffering world. Why? Because others who may feel the same do not speak nor write of such things in a similar manner. They are generally holed up in a private space and remain obsessed alone. Is that the healthy process we should embrace? Or is our interest scientific and passionate enough to seem harmless? Who the fuck knows? She left us here -- needing, wanting, yearning -- and this will simply remain another issue which will force us into the fucking shadows. Whatever the result, we are accustomed already.



097


With the number of difficulties which have arisen since summer last, we are actually surprised to be above ground at all. Each day without the vision pushes and pushes... Each thought swirls through the fog and leaves us daydreaming. Eventually the dreaming will not stop and we will withdraw from society completely. This process will not be difficult and even feels welcomed on some levels -- desired, wanted. The above statement regarding social media (antisocial media) is a catalyst. The last few years have seen dramatic increases in apathy as well as decreases in sensitivity between individuals. This is unacceptable and no one sees the damage to society as a whole. There are already so many reasons to withdraw, however people are number one.

Our dissatisfaction is beginning to come to a point... The type of which tends to send people either straight to quieter, less populated areas, or into some sort of depressive and maniacal state involving crime and severe withdrawal. Either of these is acceptable (as stated here in spades throughout the past decade). We would prefer to remain here and eliminate the dregs, but alas withdrawal and escape is much simpler. As such, we must make revolutions in that direction lest we begin setting fire to it all. The anger toward others has been building over a very large amount of time and losing Her last year has enraged us to no end. Yes, on a daily basis we are civil and personable. Underneath it all is a very different story. The need to be unsociable has brewed within for too long. That state of mind is emerging like lava from a cracked tectonic plate. We must go, and soon. We are on fire and leaving will not only save us but others as well.

She could have kept us here, however She is gone.



098


Speaking of withdrawal, we recently spent ten days on a cruise to Alaska and the stark contrast between that beautiful place and this shithole glows more than ever. We have dreamed for years of escaping to a cooler and less populated locale, and the glimpse simply puts us further outside present society. More people equals more issues. In a town of less than eight thousand, those issues are minimal to say the least.

Of course, seeing such a quiet and isolated city with eyes groomed within a huge metropolitan area produces a skewed vision. Keeping this in mind at all times is tough and serves to make every detail shine. We understand this fully and the thought of separating from the machine helps to maintain clarity. We know this.



099


The combination of our dissatisfaction with the direction of society and losing such a wondrous and beautiful soul which was connected to us is pressing like no one before. Small steps toward large changes are necessary to keep us sane and relatively grounded. The alternative is not pleasant. Currently the only path is attempting to enjoy the day-to-day essentials of living and processing those items necessary for continued forward motion. The occasional sightings of form are difficult with which to live, honestly. We see and we fall a bit further. This is to be expected considering Her absence. We had it all and now we have little more than the tiniest periods of happiness. Understanding the depressing situation She caused last year is just not available and we are even more obsessed with the form She displayed naturally. Coupled with Her incredible softness of thought and soulful caring, that form has all but ruined us now.

We shall see what develops and what we can attempt to do in order to stay sane.



100


Organization, patient planning, and comfort are the three aspects of these days which we cannot lose. If such a thing takes place, we are dead and in the ground for good. Fuck."



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