[05:58 pdt 05/07/2017 CE, 1494161880 E]

The site navigation has been further streamlined and trimmed. Due to the amount of content within the 2017 archive we have indexed all titled entries on the main summary. All titles will appear both there and at the top of each archived year. The sitemap has also been updated to reflect these changes. Titles did not appear until early 2015 so each archive prior to that date is listed by time only. All of the past content is still displayed from newest to oldest. This will remain as such.

The Clodmaster sits idle until further inspiration, but at least the story which began so many years ago will remain as a part of Coma. We are pleased that the recent cuts did not include that project, and despite the lack of other technical content these days, the truck still represents a much-needed distraction from the current direction. Hopefully forward progress will pick up soon.

The mobile editing platform is still in the works, and DP will stay here until revenue allows for a split. Stay tuned.

The Raven's Influence

read ( words)

"Eighteen months later, She still will not allow us to walk into the ocean, bottle in hand.

We made that promise early in knowing of Her, and we made it in earnest and with the honesty of a child. We could not go through anything differently nor could we have glossed over so dire of a request. We continue here partly because of Her influence. It is vast and at times all-encompassing. Despite this, the desire and drive are there day after miserable fucking day. Not a moment passes us without the thought that we are going nowhere and have left those options aside just like the other tine of the fork. We consciously decided to take that path and now each day brings more deafening calls and screams from the soil. The saving throw is our physical comfort combined with a healthy dose of distraction. Those items are in short supply, however, and they are allowing the past to rise up within us like a firing squad.

The Raven held steadfast in Her desire to live out the remaining days as well as possible. She told us on many an occasion that the weight of others seeing Her as 'perfect' was too much at times, and Her need to merely fit into a society which places so much emphasis upon financial status and appearance had become overwhelming, and we came along at the precise moment when She needed a lift to avoid losing Her mind. Apparently, we provided a much-needed break from those in Her circle and helped Her to maintain living at a level for which She had wished.

Honestly, it was late in our short time together that She asked of our promise. And that came at a time when we began to yearn for some sort of understanding as to why we became so enamored with attractiveness and the form which seems to send us to the soil. We did not understand any of it nor did we entertain others' opinions of our feelings. She was the exception, of course, as She embodied every aspect of that which we had sought for so many years. The latent effect of our obsession became the forefront whenever we were together. We asked of Her and She responded in ways of which we had only dreamed. And Her eyes expressed the desire to see our dreams come to fruition -- whether She was a part or not. We could not help but become enthralled by Her entire being. We were quite literally under Her control, and happy to be there.


The Raven's pull was unrelenting. No matter our position in life, our working days, nor the distance between us during a given time period, we felt drawn toward Her. Upon more than one occasion our desire to be near Her drove us to flee whatever situation had been in control. We left the site of work and stepped onto the train during mid-morning and ran to Her at an alarming rate. This propelled us to the status of being quite out of balance and placed our lifestyle at risk, but no matter. When we felt the need to be near Her and She was available, we sped. Work and others be damned, there was no stopping us.

During one such occasion, we left our work to see Her and the hours together proceeded to fly at ablative velocity. We ran to Her early in the day, twisted the schedule to match our needs, and the subsequent fallout was dramatic. Some situations can be repaired after the fact, but this was unique and floats above our heads now just as it did two years ago. The cost was high -- both financially and professionally -- and to this day remains as a scar upon our work and life record. It was bad. We did whatever was necessary to see Her as often as possible and everything else just went straight to hell, literally. We threw all aside to be near Her. Period.

And thus here we are. This place is like nothing else, and we are both thrilled and disgusted at our circumstances. We knew Her, we spent time with Her, and we admired Her inside and out, but now we are but a void of life and experience as they could have been. She had the numbers all over Her and they were available to us, however the opportunity did not come to light during Her short time leading this fucked up world. We screamed aloud and broadcasted both here and on Facebook after Her departure, but nothing will ever be enough.

To this very second the pull upon us remains. We can still see Her walking down the hallway in the office, smiling back at us from across the table, and lighting up the way She always did upon seeing us for the first time after days of being apart. She was wonderful to the point of forcing us to lose track of other aspects of life. We let things go -- important things -- which would allow for some time together at a restaurant or other location. A train ride here and there, too. Everything was thrown aside for Her company.


Being as damaged as we were at the time, we found that She had been going through a difficult period too. Her life had become some sort of unhappy mess and She stated in no uncertain terms that finding us was the sole saving grace. She wrote stories about Herself and sent them to us. She commanded our attention, be it email, phone, or in person. We listened to Her every word and She found an incredible appreciation for us just being there to listen. And the reciprocal of that was Her unending ability to hear us, value our interests and needs, and allow whatever ideas we may have had to flow with support. In both directions was the caring and understanding. We found that Her troubling circumstances had forced her into similar thoughts and directions and the escape She found to be so helpful was our way of life. While together we became helpful to each other and supportive beyond words. There were times when the simplest of facial expressions became paragraphs of thought. The entire situation was incredible to consider.

Naturally, Her physical beauty was without limit and that conversation came up from time to time. She did not mind when it came from our direction. Others did not enjoy the same freedom -- just us. We knew of Her past trials and were able to convey feelings without repeating platitudes as others. There was no worry, either. She knew us so well over a very short duration that the issues just did not arise. She always listened, we always listened, and the understanding became uplifting like nothing else on earth. Her compassion was unreal. Every now and then we could not help but gush regarding Her appearance on a given day, but She did not mind at all because it came from us. Our unique position allowed Her to feel comfortable at all times while with us. And that would have led to Her being our first subject for study.

Would have. Fuck.

The one occasion upon which we had brought measuring tools and the camera was a very bad time for Her so we avoided the subject completely and allowed for Her to reflect and vent toward us. Considering the importance of the understanding, there was no option for leading the day in another direction. We had to help, and the rest just melted away. Seeing Her eyes displaying pain became one of the most difficult sights of all. Yes, we felt that we had missed the opportunity, however that lost priority almost instantly. With 'Sur l'océan Couleur de Fer' playing in the background, we sat and talked.


The first essay which we wrote about the Raven two years ago was solely in the vein of our obsession. That was a piece of writing from our vision of Her upon meeting for the first time, and the only content which had restricted viewability on the site. We wrote and polished that piece and proceeded to send it exclusively to Her. Upon reading our thoughts, She agreed to allow it to be published for all to see. We sent it into the public domain and due to the ambiguity of the subject there was no issue. The detailed nature of the description and accompanying images pushed Her to be a bit embarrassed in the beginning, but later that subsided. She began to respect our need to understand the whys of physical attractiveness, yet She did not feel exploited in any way. She simply appreciated the manner in which we looked at Her. For whatever reason, the whole thing was ok. Again, because it came from us... We who felt She was a person above all else.

That beginning led us to other subjects regarding life and society. We held similar views, had matching fears with respect to feeling insignificant among the masses, and felt the powerful need to isolate ourselves -- living away from the herd. While together, these issues seemed minor due to our connection, but while apart the difficulties amplified themselves to the point of making life even more of a headache. This led us to draw upon each other for comfort and rearrange our daily tasks to allow more time in each other's company. When those occasions were available, the lift we experienced made everything else disappear for a while. The situation became bliss to the nth degree. Just sitting and gazing at Her heartful eyes created a space we will never forget. And one smile launched us into the stratosphere.

She was able to push us in a direction we had been unable to attain for years prior. She convinced us that to remain and fashion the world around our own needs was arduous yet unavoidable. The personality types of which She spoke described us to a tee, and that we had the unique ability to leverage things and align them correctly to create our own little world within which the mass was absent. The persuasion was unavoidable and we could not disagree. Thus, we began to inhabit a place which disallowed any harm toward ourselves. And we are still there despite the many knives being thrown. We have the Raven to thank for our current view of this fucked up society. Another fact not to be taken lightly nor dismissed in this life -- Her incredible influence.


And a few hours at Val's were the beginning. We sent a message which conveyed appreciation for Her appearance, and shortly thereafter the conversation began for Her to become a subject for our needs. She agreed immediately and we made plans to meet in person at the restaurant to further things along. We sat and spoke with Her (which was difficult), all the while admiring those huge eyes and long, black hair. She was dressed beautifully head to toe. We let slip that She had been the most gorgeous and wonderfully formed woman we had ever laid eyes upon, and She sat blushing and staring back at us, intrigued. Apparently, She had received few compliments regarding Her appearance in recent years -- aside from the 'perfection' references which took place due to people simply assuming that She could not be unhappy. Even during our earliest conversations, we could not understand in the least how people could see Her in such a manner. Yes, She was beautiful, but that does not show anything of Her experiences in life nor does it paint a portrait of happiness. She was kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, flawed, selfless... But not perfect. No one is. There is no physical possibility of perfection within this universe.

So, that first meeting led to many others. We were close to each other as often as was feasible and each encounter led us to the next -- all the while the need increased to be within each other's company. From there... Holy shit did things ever begin in heaven and end in hell. Still we feel Her nearby. And the pull upon us back then remains to this moment. We cannot avoid respecting Her simple wishes because they were a match to Her... Genuine. The bond felt as the blood.

God damn this world for taking Her from us."