[16:00 pdt 07/22/2017 CE, 1500764400 E]

The new machines for editing in the development environment have quickly become wondrous and flexible. We can connect anywhere, anytime, and with no worry of conditions or security. This is a very positive step in maintaining fluidity of content along with some serious peace of mind for all. The staff is now scattered to the ends of the earth and we are all better for it. They do not need to be cooped up in an office in this age of everything.

The font shade has been increased yet again for ease of reading. The staff has been pushing for a lighter shade for some time, and we have all realized that due to the number of differing devices out there, the change is important. The idea here is information transfer and the whole thing is moot if unreadable. There are billions of other sites out there.

Val's Restaurant and Lounge

read ( words)

"Early afternoon. I arrived and took a seat at the bar within view of the entrance. The bartender was pleasant and the atmosphere was void of crowds. Not long before that day, another similar restaurant nearby had closed for remodeling, and the resulting load on Val's had been overwhelming. On the day in question, however, the lounge area held few patrons. The feeling was good since I had not met Her on any prior occasion. That was the first time outside the office in which I was graced by Her presence.

I sat and ordered the typical bourbon and stayed within view of the entrance. A bit of time had passed and the Raven sent a message to say She was running late. No worries there... I would have waited a lifetime to sit next to Her. And I had already waited almost two months since first addressing Her appearance while at work. After seeing Her a few times a week and over a period of months, I finally asked for a personal email address and She responded pleasantly and quickly. That was surprising, to say the least. Up to that point I had thought of Her as amazingly-shaped and very unique, but from Her perspective I must have appeared as just another employee. The meeting at Val's would change all of that. And the future would hold both golden and savage moments the likes of which I could not have imagined.

Moments passed and eventually the Raven walked in, smiling all the while. She spotted me immediately and took a seat to my right. By the time She leaned for a friendly hug and then ordered wine, I was already awash and completely uneasy. Confusion, fear, desire... All rolled up inside me like layers of a much-needed but uncomfortable dream. Her scent was mild yet intoxicating like nothing else.

I will not attempt to describe Her outfit and appearance that day as they have already been featured as an essay. Suffice to say that I was sitting next to one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. Likely THE most beautiful. Yikes.


The conversation began with my interest in Her. She listened, patiently, and Her eyes remained solidly fixed upon my face. I learned that She was willing to be photographed, measured, and whatever else might draw my interest. She also agreed to let me write about Her at length with no restrictions whatsoever. I was drawn to the idea of fully documenting all of Her and creating a portfolio of sorts, and there was no end to what She was willing to provide. After discussing these topics for a time I decided to let Her know that I had no intention of heading in any inappropriate direction. She responded with a bit of disappointment that I had not expressed interest in Her sexually. That was unbelievable and pushed me to become somewhat defensive and fearful. I felt as if I had somehow offended Her with my apparent lack of desire to be with Her physically. After backpedaling quickly, I confessed that my relationship as well as Hers were the only reasons I would not pursue anything of the sort. That was a difficult point in the conversation, to be sure, but soon enough Her big, beautiful eyes conveyed the understanding the type of which She would soon carry more than I could have hoped. I began to look upon Her as much more than what I saw from a distance in the office. The Raven started to become a reference point from which others would soon be considered in a very different light.

As the afternoon pressed on, our conversation traveled far beyond the simple requests I had made via email. We discussed the issues we shared with society, everyday work and home life, and the limits we seemed to feel with regard to living within a cloud of progress and a distinct lack of compassion. As much as She had to say to me, She also demonstrated an unreal willingness to listen and absorb what I was providing. Her eyes and body language clearly showed how much She actually wanted to hear what I was telling Her. I was flabbergasted at the time, and during the trailing several days the idea sunk in deeper that the woman was an enigma, and one I had sought for years. That may not come across as dramatic as it felt. Unless the readers of this site have hung on from the beginning, said full meaning may not be illuminated. Suffice to say, She provided me with more than I could have expected, and this from a person of my many years.

The gorgeous creature of which I stared for hours had transformed into something much more... I began to know Her on the inside, and the image cannot adequately be described using even our vast language. Perhaps a real author could convey the words properly, but I am at a loss.

And this entry is becoming as difficult as the knowledge that the Raven is gone.


We did not eat anything during the entire visit to Val's, and that resulted in a tipsy state for me, and moreso for Her. That did not really matter, though, as we stayed in the lounge (nice little booth, too) regardless of the pressing evening nor the call of the clock. The conversation dictated the remainder of the day for both of us. We could not simply cut things short and leave... Mostly due to the fact that we had no idea of when we would connect again. And that thought had occurred to me more than once during the afternoon. I just wanted the meet to go on forever. I was told in no uncertain terms that the time away from the rest of Her day meant nothing to Her and the idea of staying longer had become paramount. We continued to stare and talk for a while longer.

The Raven took my hand and the entire world turned upon its side.

She sat there staring at our intertwined fingers -- occasionally glancing toward my eyes -- and eventually confessed that Her life had become a clich├ęd mess. Despite the upcoming events scheduled by Her family and others, She had felt as if any other direction would have been preferable. Work was not an issue, however, and that went on for both of us without difficulty. Her words led me to understand that throughout the time we spent sending email back and forth coupled with our meeting at Val's had enlightened Her in ways She had hoped for some time. I became both an outlet and confidant without realizing such an impact was possible. I sat there, floored, and looked back at Her. The situation was mesmerizing as nothing before.

The genesis of that meeting was the Raven's appearance and nothing else. We had communicated back and forth during the preceding months, and She understood my interest from the beginning. I wished to study Her physically, and from every conceivable standpoint -- hundreds of measurements, drawings, photographs -- everything which had a hand in constructing a qualifying analysis of the mechanics of why She was so physically attractive to me, and how the numbers could be pushed to their limits. She knew all of that and still met me to discuss exactly how I wished to accomplish such a feat. Cut to a few hours later and everything was turned upside down. We connected on a level previously unrealized for both. The feeling was otherworldly at the time, and here I sit years later still attempting to find the reasons why that may have taken place.


The longer we sat there, the more my mind was damaged, both by the alcohol and by the Raven's unending kindness and the manner in which we seemed to align with each other with regard to many aspects of life. The entire affair became mind-bending like nothing before. She informed me that the chance of us meeting, connecting outside the workplace, and learning that so many empty spaces within each of us started to fill, was something she had not expected in life, and the near future could become very complex for both. Our lives did not have room for such an all-encompassing desire to be within constant earshot and eyesight. That type of affair has proven to be very damaging time and time again. We could not head in such a direction, yet the thought of keeping a decent distance from one day to the next would be equally arduous.

She sat there, knees paired and gorgeous, and the idea of Her mind being on the same path as mine became heartwarming. That was not something I had experienced ever in life. Apparently, She had given up seeking a soul which matched Hers closely. We had both hit the proverbial jackpot and at the worst possible time. The issues which we both created and lived through as a result of our connection have been laid out here in spades, and there is no need to revisit. Suffice to say, both our lives spiraled out of anyone's control and many others suffered as well due to our reckless, isolated and needy behavior. Ugh. And it began right there at Val's.

As we became a bit less able to withstand the alcohol, the idea of leaving was necessary. Neither of us wished to venture out into the sunshine nor did we desire the company of others, but the day needed to resume. The two of us left the restaurant and headed toward my car to say goodbye. Of course, that did not happen in a timely manner. The Raven wished to smoke, so we sat in my car for a while and engaged in yet more conversation. Her eyes managed to press me into a space previously unrealized, and Her words went directly to my soul. Again we inadvertently extended the afternoon for an additional hour or more. Cars drove past, people walked along the sidewalks, and we swirled within each other's eyes and spoke of life within such a damaged and backward society. I could not help but become enamored with what the day had brought. I went to meet Her solely for the dimensional discussion and wound up next to one of the most incredible human beings that pushed everything I had felt and needed. She was unreal... A dream.


Naturally we had to leave at some point yet dragged the idea out for quite a length of time before actually parting ways that day. A long embrace preceded the Raven's departure from the sidewalk next to my car. Her eyes again told me in no uncertain terms that the afternoon would not be forgotten in any way. We embraced yet again and She beautifully walked away. I dropped back into my disregarded auto and drove home.

And I did not hear from Her for several days.

Worry and a distraught state of mind ensued, leaving me nearly completely useless during my daily and nightly activities. I had become increasingly uncomfortable at the thought of being unable to connect with Her and the feeling manifested itself physically. I found myself lacking somehow... Like a piece of me had been removed and relocated to a place completely out of reach. She was out there somewhere, and I could barely live with the not knowing. My last thought at night and first in the morning was Her, and the entirety of life had become 'why'.

Finally She contacted me and simply asked of my well-being. I responded, and soon learned that She had left Her purse in the lounge at Val's that day and not recovered any belongings. The reason for Her silence had been illuminated and my mind was put at ease. She also told me that our meeting had caused a storm within Her head and that She needed to avoid further connections with me. The simple fact is She feared for Her relationship and the closeness which could have affected many others. I told Her that we would only speak of matters on the surface of life and to disregard my request for such an involved process. And then I fell into a chasm which, had the Raven not been involved, could have cost me my life. The timeline of seeing Her, our conversing about so many subjects, the resulting contact to further my dark and deviant obsession, and the later separation of the two of us from external forces was too much to bear, and I considered walking into the ocean to end the need. She quickly became everything I had sought and was seemingly removed from the possibility at a similar velocity.

Daily life had developed into a traumatic path in which the whole of my thoughts were in Her direction. I could not deal with the smallest of trials and progressing through the activities of work left me unable to perform even the simplest of tasks. I had become consumed in a very bad way, and the look of the future became tainted and darker than ever. In short, I was obsessed to the point of pain. Everything was just bad.

Days and days of this passed and we spoke often about how each of us was getting through our time apart. I soon learned that She had been experiencing a similar feeling and wished to see me. We met at a local restaurant for a few hours and talked about every aspect of the attachment we shared and came to the conclusion that to remain at a distance was unacceptable. She needed to be near me just as I needed the same. So, regardless of the possible consequences of such a decision, we agreed to meet as often as we could at the same location and be close. Not long after, She expressed Her deep love for me.

Naturally, the situation felt far too good to end well.


And of course, it did not. We spent much time together in various locations and on trips to other places (a few of which have been splayed out here for all to see), all the while gazing, longing, and holding hands as often as was possible. We sat with each other in many bars and restaurants leading to even more longing than either of us could handle in such a damaged, desperate, and reckless state of mind. Neither soul could disconnect from the other for much time without feeling a deep sense of loss and isolation. We became intertwined like... Something. I did not then nor do I now have knowledge of what we had become. The reality of being together was foremost in our lives and the time apart was hideously trying and lonely. We could not comprehend the idea of such a tremendous change from just months earlier when we did not know of each other. At the time such things mattered not, and we focused on the slight time and magical world that was created by being near the other's soul. And the beginning of the destruction was at hand soon after. The outings we shared into the City and other locations became very dangerous and our desire to be within each other's company wrought havoc with everyday life and work. The downhill -- such as it was -- seemed unavoidable, and will be covered in detail throughout the remainder of this year.

Despite my lack of understanding, that new situation which began at Val's quickly began to take over my daily thinking. I could not concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes at a time due to the overwhelming need to reconnect. The Raven had opened a door that could not easily be closed -- even temporarily. I needed more and that would very soon become a larger issue and nearly destroyed me.

The remainder of life is now this: I will dream, weep, lash out, grieve, and on occasion become more angry and destructive than anything I have ever known. The bottom has been reached and the only chance of catharsis is to spend my remaining years screaming and writing about the Raven.

And nothing will ever be enough -- no words can adequately convey any aspect of Her endless beauty and soul. And there is no possibility of a recovery from this. And I feel as if the theatre is abandoned, leaving me dangling from the forgotten mezzanine."