06-15-2019 06:21 pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning

Our Man Bashir

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"Twenty-four-odd years ago there was no widely available high definition television programming, so the imagery on this page may not look typical for the site. I did my best to search and capture anything which has the ability to do this woman justice, however the technology at the time does not compare to now. Suffice to say, her vast beauty is apparent despite the lack of graphical clarity. And then some.

I did not watch much of the show after the first two seasons, mostly catching an episode or two here and there as I focused upon other aspects of life. I cannot even remember if I watched the title in question when it originally aired, or if I recorded it and viewed later. Either way, I do vividly recall seeing the character in question appearing and walking both toward and away from the camera's perspective, effectively pressing me to gaze at her motions and enormous mane which matched the theme. The short description is a sixties-era short-skirted suit, silver top, cleavage, long legs, long boots, long nose, long fingers and features which propelled her movements above all things for a time. Sound familiar? Of course, those terms have been splayed here for years along with the ongoing inability to understand where and why it began. Well, that woman may have been part of it. There have been any number of attractive female actors gracing the large and small screen for nearly a century, but upon seeing the show and watching the first ten minutes with her interacting with other characters, something inside me snapped. I was immediately and very sharply drawn to the way her legs appeared as she walked away from the lens. I do not believe I considered that type of thing in such a manner prior to seeing the gorgeous actor and her incredible gait. The server in Pleasanton that I mentioned recently was sighted by me between the years of 2004 and 2007, the image of Mercedes which has been analyzed here more than once was after the server, and the girl at the car wash was outlined in an essay sometime around 2009. The episode to which I refer here -- along with the woman who may have changed me forever -- aired precisely on November 27th of 1995. Nearly two-and-a-half decades of increasing torment, analysis, heartache, and suicidal thoughts over something I had not remembered or realized until just hours ago. Maybe. I am not sure, but the possibility cannot be denied.

I do apologize for the image quality.

Could she be the beginning? Maybe? That was a long time ago. The episode is now widely available and I watched it intently just before putting these words here. After seeing her in motion for those moments and after such a long time, I feel that she shook me such that my thinking changed and expanded in many ways. As I recall that year, I do know where I was in life and who my partner was. I told no one about the feelings and simply kept everything inside, much as I did with many things about which I felt strongly. I have always been quite private until developing the vein that has been displayed here for the last four-plus years. The outlet became so necessary that I could not refrain from gushing to the world. A lack of understanding something so important within me drove the words into the exosphere. And here I am. Still broken, yet with a possibility that must be considered in order to survive.

To put a dramatically fine point upon this, the woman is now second to the Raven. Important, stirring, and not to be understood in any way. Nor is my head.


Two years ago I published The Cut Line and the Realization, however that last word in the title was focused upon something simple when compared to this. I am now realizing that the start of me throwing my entire life at trying to understand where the obsession birthed may be the actor along with the time period referred to above. She struck me like no one else and pushed my head into a narrow tunnel. As the years disappeared behind me, I somehow lost sight of that woman and treaded in other directions. Upon being reminded? My brain is melting down over such thoughts. I dreamed of her out of the clear, black night sky, woke up confused and in need of understanding, and then queued up the show to be reminded. There it is.

The feelings now are overwhelming. Kind of like each time I was away from the Raven for days and days and then saw those big eyes again right in front of me. My heart swelled for Her, always. The actress conjures similar things, from the sheer look of her unique beauty to the unreal thought that she was the first. Back then, I watched the episode and was enamored with the look of her walking across the room more than once. Coupled with her mane and just enough cleavage to be sexy yet still acceptable and classy, the image took me from myself. For whatever reason, that did not last all those years ago and the reasoning may have been unavailability. In this day and age, one can see anything, anytime, and nearly anywhere. In 1995 such was not the case. Of course, the possibility of purchasing a videotape of the episode existed, but I did not look in such directions due to other aspects of life taking over. Her image apparently faded with time and I was not reminded until now. The positives to this situation are several, and the downsides minimal. I am confused over rediscovering this goddess but overjoyed to be in front of technology which allows major exploration of the episode, the actor, and her career. That is something.

Even now, she is stunning beyond words. Yes... Including that big hair.

Just since the dream of her and subsequent realization that the woman may have begun years of questions, I have watched her scenes several times. And like that other character with one of the most unique facial structures I have ever gazed upon, each episode of those two very similar series has become like a religion. The video will always be available and both have already been secured for endless viewing should the need arise. It will. There is no other way. The era is as gone as all the others but I can see her for the rest of my life whenever I wish.

Sitting here now and thinking of just how she may have influenced me so heavily is tough to consider. Yes, the woman captivated me for a time years ago, but can a simple dream and shot of her in the role send me spinning? Wondering if she was the first? Hmm... Perhaps. Still, I cannot help but be a tad skeptical due to the random nature of sleep and dreams. When I arose in the morning I could not remember the three words which make up the title. Hours passed as I racked my brain knowing that the last word began with the letter 'B' and eventually the title popped into my swirling head, after which I sought the video and watched.

And then this. Yep.


Her appearance and role in the show goes by quickly. A bit of a greeting, a smile, and that fucking walk across the room which is still cemented in my brain and has become strong enough for me to make a big decision. Yes, I have discarded things in life related to thinking in favor of making room to analyze her for the rest of my days. Just enough has been tossed aside to reduce my caring and allow for something I both want and need, but also something which can hurt me. Who cares? Have I not already been reduced to a small pile of torment? Yes, so fuck it. This realization has taken over part of my power and must be appropriately explored. This is the beginning of something much larger. Like the Raven, I am now compelled to find reasons. Hopefully the search is not as futile as all of the fucking questions for the last four years. Longer? Maybe. I must do it.

Watching her walk across the room forces me to recall seeing that shot for the first time. As I stated above, I do not know of the year. I may have seen it first-run or possibly later. Likely it was late 1995. Either way, I saw that waddle and her legs moving back and forth and it burned my cells. She was unique to me and appeared more attractive and in different ways than other females, both on and off screen. My taste ran all over the place back then and was not even remotely pointed as now. These days what I see has become so fucking specific and critical that others do not understand in the least. I saw the walk and felt different somehow, as if I had not seen a woman walk before. I still do not know why she struck me so, but perhaps that point in time represented the beginning of my fascination and extensive scrutinizing of the form. Why her? How did her simple walk across the room cause such a change? That may never be answered, if indeed this gorgeous creature illuminated my path. The fact is that human beings operate however they operate, and from time to time see or experience something which causes an interest. Like seeing a model of car for the first time and then becoming a fan of it. I am no different, and could go on forever about why certain things bring interest to a person's brain, so the best thing is just to say that for whatever reason she may have been the one vision which started me thinking about the female form differently.

Cut to twenty-three-plus years later and look what I have become. All this time. Wow.

Sometimes the various parts just work together and send me flying. Seeing her again did cause my head to spin and she was likely universally regarded as lovely in that role at the time. Actors are often cast partly for their skill and partly for their looks, so there it is... A gorgeous example of a woman who fit the part visually and played it as needed. She excelled, to me, just like so many 'Bond girls' throughout the history of that franchise. She was cast, I saw her in the role, and my life would never be the same.

Again... Maybe.


The images are captured from whatever source and through whatever interface. The lack of high definition reminds me of capturing Alicia when she played a small part on 'The Sopranos'. Her beauty was overwhelming and forced me to save the episode in question and screen it several times in order to cap the images which highlighted her appearance. Never before had I felt so compelled to save frames from video -- not even the wonderful and endless beauty of JLH years earlier -- and I did it over a period of days in order to have her smile and sexiness locked away for all time. Now, the issue of clarity has become even more important than that of Alicia. After extensive research I have learned that the series in question was not remastered for release on disc beyond a standard DVD. Two of the others in the franchise have been worked over for better resolution, however this one will not be in the near future. As technology has grown and expanded since the mid 90s, some shows have been left by the wayside due to popularity and the enormous cost of improving the frames in hopes of a return. Nothing as of yet. Fuck.

I have gone as far as installing software which can scrutinize the video and separate the entire time period into still images from each frame. The process is not terribly difficult, but after getting part way through doing so I have realized that the obsession is driving my need to see her more clearly. Now that I have again become familiar with the possibility of finding part of the reason I turned out like this, the compulsion is overwhelming. I am driven like never before to see the woman as she appeared back then. I have to see her. I need each frame which displays her unique beauty. Without the ability to explore and save what I need, things may change and no one wants that. I need to see her as clearly as possible or my issues will expand. In addition, I searched all over for anything else in which she appeared in hopes of seeing something clearer and more defined. Not much. Baywatch. Yep... That fucking show I never viewed back then in which the showing off of beautiful people took priority over the story and anyone giving half a shit what was being spoken. She appeared in two episodes as one of the lovely lifeguards just three years after the DS9 episode was shot. Still gorgeous, more skin (not what I was looking for at all), slow-motion periods, slender and very tall. Well, that does not help in the least because the point was her role on DS9. Did I try to capture anything from Baywatch? Nope. Not going to happen. I do not enjoy seeing all that skin and my drive is to understand why her walk struck me so. I have never wished to see female actors lose their clothing. Yes, that is a career decision which has nothing to do with fans, however I do not operate in such a manner. The beauty is much more. In this case, the attempt to understand pushes every other aspect of beauty away. Far away.

And do not give me a blast of shit over the number of nude and half-nude images here over the last four years. If the point of those monochrome females is not apparent by now, go and find something else to read.


Could she be the one? The beginning? Something I felt which years later would take me from myself and send me on a journey with no turns? Maybe. Just maybe. If not, she is just another woman sending my head into hell over the sheer beauty she carried all those years ago. The reasons have escaped me for so long that I cannot help but reach in any direction possible. Reaching, yearning to know, and discovering one of the first gorgeous and unique women to stir me beyond the norm -- past the everyday attraction which feels much more balanced and not so strange. People are attracted to each other every single day. Me? Fucking hell does it ever go further. All the way, to a point in which my entire existence is placed upon hold until I understand and explore the question of why. In this case, the simple shape of her nose is enough to disrupt life after gazing for mere seconds. To add insult to injury, the woman stands five-foot-eight. Readers already familiar with my ongoing horseshit about female physical attractiveness know precisely what that means.

Yep, I am that fucked up. At least dreaming of her led me to believe that perhaps I can find reason.

The odds of such an occurrence are out of my range. Dreams come and go, and for myself they are quite often nothing to be understood. I am not Freud, nor do I wish to be. I am a person who dreams from time to time, gives them a bit of thought, and moves on with the day. Anything further is for those who have the education and inclination to attempt an analysis. The dream in question came about for whatever reason and from some odd direction and has left me full of thoughts. Something I have not considered for many years was thrown back into my broken head and caused all manner of difficulty and confusion. She is there again. Right before my eyes and from a time far enough on the past to cause much possibility. The dream itself is not something I can work with, only being reminded of her and having the resources to amass information and investigate the issues of this writing. She strikes me as so beautiful and with those radii over which I have obsessed for years, and that means all that I have explored may have a beginning and perhaps the catalyst which I have sought after many an essay full of questions. I still have no answers, but to find any line feels interesting, to say the least. Just a random dream from God-knows where. The human brain is no simple machine.

As usual, I feel as if I am saying the same things over and over. Whatever. Just fucking look at her. The most subjective thing in this world is physical beauty. I expect exactly no one to follow.


She is a person and none of my bullshit is her fault. I always say that because the truth is as such. My ongoing obsession over form -- as stated here in spades, especially when I describe a woman I have seen in person -- is of my own doing. Me. Not anyone pictured here or anywhere else. I know it. They are people. Just people going about their lives. And as likely as it is that this goddess strolling across the screen back then could have changed the way I see and think, still the issues are mine. All mine. I am both better and worse for dreaming of her out of fucking nowhere.

I would give up my entire life for one of two things: Professing my love for the Raven in person again, or speaking to the woman pictured here and expressing my unique and singular appreciation for her beauty. Neither is possible, and the latter would help no one anyway. My words are best placed here and left alone. Or maybe that is not best. Maybe this fucking endeavor is causing more harm than good. Another question which leads nowhere, just like the thousands before.

I will likely scour the Internet over the next several weeks and months trying to either locate better images or build the software which can clarify anything I capture. As I stated above, the luxury of having excellent video led me to cap Alicia, but so far I cannot do much with the images I have discovered of one of the most important female forms to appear in my life. The search will continue until one of two situations... Either I will be satisfied with seeing her as clearly as possible, or I will go out of my mind trying. I really do not give a fuck which. Along those lines, the understanding that she appeared in front of me all those years ago and sat dormant for so long before the dream and subsequent realization took place will likely send me in a similar direction. I cannot help myself any longer. All of the pain, torment and agonizing thought over this subject no longer lets me relax. Life moves along, I grate against every second of it, see something and gush, and then the whole fucking thing happens again as if the gods have rewound my brain. The woman on this page may have effectively thrown scraps of steel into my mental crankcase and caused the most dire path I could have imagined. Was she the beautiful beginning to the ugly hell? Did the sight of her sit there for years and await my becoming what I am now? Could mere seconds of a woman walking on the television screen destroy me for all time? Will I find a way to clarify and stare at images of her endless beauty and realize that I have hit on something more important than any other aspect of my existence?

I will never truly know."