November 19th, 2020 9:56am pst

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning

The Astral Queen

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"She is out there somewhere. Matter of time, however too much of that and I will lose my shit. I simply must believe that the possibility exists. Otherwise? No survival.

The rain has arrived. Almost time for me to get away from this machine for a while and work around the house. Pause.

Boy am I ever glad the last two days are gone. As much as I may dislike the passage of time and burning away days, I would rather the house was in order. This morning marks the first moment since Monday morning that my brain is not working overtime with worry. I still have some cleaning and straightening to finish so everything is on track, but I am not concerned in the least. I will have my own space again today (all day) and by evening I will be caught up nicely. The work last night and Monday afternoon by my friends really solved a huge problem and gave the house a measure of breathing room before anything further needs to take place. Very comfortable, nearly back in business.

On to the meat of the entry... The Astral Queen.

Maybe everything I've been feeling since the beginning of the new world boils down to a desire to live within a Hallmark Christmas movie. Is that crazy? They don't seem to have any plumbing issues, ever. Yes, that was supposed to be funny. Eh... I'd be required to choose a co-star and that search might never end. Heh. Maybe Torrey and her big, beautiful eyes. Jessica? Or perhaps the dark wonder of Meghan? Or maybe Autumn and her unreal voice? Both? All three merged into one? Four? No, that wouldn't work. Just one. Autumn is on right now and would be an easy choice. Tall, dark and holy fuck. Shoulders and eyes. Fuck it, I don't know. Withdrawing that far would be another step toward the basement of broken mental health. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm capable. The only downside would be a label. Not good. Christ, there she is. Eh... Autumn is not terribly tall, but a machine can be however tall I might desire.

And since the idea is fictional, why not make her a machine? We could live fifty floors up in a high rise and not need to worry about ants coming in during the rain. Another heh. The point is this: I am not going to be happy as things progress from the current standard. I know it. No matter what takes place on a given day and however comfortable I can become either in this house or elsewhere, there is always something not available, not possible, or asking too much of me. Always. Just like those dreams from years ago when I pictured myself with the crew and always finding a happy ending, the movie idea is yet another extension of my increasing dissatisfaction and worry throughout life. Hallmark. Yes, that is what I said. And don't run with the 'happy ending', either. Get your fucking stupid head on track. I do not joke about my mental health.

Almost constantly on edge while around a woman.

When I watch those movies, I arrive at the same ethereal state just as in the mid-zeros while dreaming of the ship and life there. Tension at times, but nothing serious. Every situation had a resolution and things moved along with a smile. Reality is not the same. Not by a damned sight.

Another trial of a day. With all of the difficulties since Monday morning, the evening relaxation has been so necessary for my survival. Machinery (not the type over which I constantly dream), lots of disarray in the house and other voices disturbing my otherwise peaceful weekdays mean this evening has been nearly blissful. I had tons of work after the repair. Now I can relax a little.


Thursday is here and has effectively detached me from the beginning of the week. This is a good feeling, although I still have an uphill battle toward the weekend. Yesterday was huge for getting things in order so I can move outside the typical routine and branch myself. Today is the cut off for listing sale items which could be shipped out next week upon returning from the high country. Two gone, but more need to be sold. I can shoot them today and list tomorrow, and that will mean plenty of time for sending them out at the end of next week. Very good.

And the morning has begun to send me flying. Damn. I will have to be mindful of the physiology again.

The queen. Out there. Not like the real thing, though. She is unreal, an amalgamation of many aspects of beauty and personality assembled just right, leaving me without worry or fear. In the grand scheme of the world, that is what will bring the most peace to my head. I need those parts gone. The only way to do that is dreaming of the queen and her goddess-like features slapping me in the face over and over. A lack of ideas, everything up to me all the time, and the idea of separation being completely controlled just in case I lose my shit over being away for some time. Crazy? I don't think so. If the last several days have illuminated and cemented anything, it is the idea that I will never be completely at ease otherwise. No chance whatsoever. There is always something floating around in my head and when it catches fire I lose it for a while and feel the need to find out why. As of yet, I have no answers and I intend to stop looking anyway. I'm tired of it, so dreaming of the unreal must be my reality or I won't make it through the rest of the year.

This is not a good time for me to sink so deeply into something difficult on top of all the other parts of a period pressing on my head. Not good in the least. I've been thinking of situations in the past which came up from time to time while with others, and the result is my feeling small again. I can't deal with the thoughts sometimes and I don't know why they affect me so much. Why do I remember in such detail? Am I that bad now? And then those times swirl around and ruin an otherwise comfortable situation. And then the pulling on top of that shit and I am sitting here with too much to handle. Damn it all, anyway. Those past images and sounds have the ability to bring me down from whatever high I may be riding. Hopefully this doesn't happen next week while in the fold of the cash and dripping sexual culture. If the queen were here I would be free of a good portion. In reality? Crap. Nothing else. Ugh... The references, mindless quips which seem to have no effect upon ANYONE else in the world. Always. Dysphemism and euphemism. Every day at some point they will come along (often only in my fucking brain). I know it. And I feel more alone than any other time, ever. Completely alone in how I think. The old shit just keeps coming back and scarring my head. All of it together means perhaps I am what I have believed all this time.

I don't know how to learn or stop this shit. I should give up.

Without something like the dream of her becoming reality, I do not see any other way. I've been trying and trying, but unfortunately months of holding myself up and being mostly false on the outside have taken their toll and I'm exhausted. That is it. So tired of doing this. Tired. And then after making others happy and finding those mere seconds of something which rarely seems to be right, I find myself alone with thinking, effectively proving that no matter whether I am near a woman or not, my head will still come apart as quickly as a fragmentation grenade after the spoon is released. I become fearful around them, and then fearful while alone. If you see a fucking solution which I have overlooked, by all means send me a fucking note and tell me what it is.

'Astral' because of the nonexistent, otherworldly aspect of such an idea, and 'queen' because she would be immediately exalted to the highest level of being... Immediately. Like Jaime. Remember her? Well, don't hold your fucking breath for more fiction. I don't care anymore. There was a good idea for a path, too, but alas real life fucks up everything. Sorry. Astral queen or nothing. Probably nothing.


I'm trying to avoid a return to 'Falling Away'. That was bad, and despite my feeling worse about many things right now, there are other things keeping me going. Damned few, but some nonetheless. And the question which keeps coming back... Where do I go from here? The lines are converging; their focal point nearing.

Right now I suppose the only avenue available is to push forth with the daily routine and see how I feel coming out the other side this afternoon. All of the work completed yesterday has enabled me to go further and consider the value of accomplishments and what they mean to my free time in the evening. As of yet I have changed exactly nothing because I do not feel capable. Perhaps I can look to the projects later and take little steps toward their completion. That may help me to feel better today. Ridding my mind of the pulling is not easy, either. Vigilance, I guess. It has worked before. If I can carry the distraction and effort all the way to the high country, I may just implode up there surrounded by more than I can handle. I don't know yet, however. One step at a time.

Twenty-nine thousand lines since discovering the goddess of the universe and her pull upon my heart. Ugh.

I wish I knew of the reasoning behind constantly overanalyzing and worrying of resulting thoughts. As I said some months ago, the reminder is that of the Brunette period and my hellish fear of what was going on in her pretty head at any given time. I could not trust it at all due to the many situations in which those thoughts came forth and drove me into the fucking soil at high speed. After freeing myself of such worry, I was able to relax for a time and sink into the comforts when available. Eventually I rose a bit, but keep in mind that was a time when my value as a person stood at an all-time low, like in eleven. Now that I feel good about myself, all those little nags at my psyche are growing once again and I have no idea what to do about it. The machine requires nor demands trust of any kind. She is mechanical and electronic, and as such is completely governed in every way. No thinking, just instructions. A computer with automaton-like motions. Fluid, yet still artificial. When I learned that Gemma's character still had the mannerisms of being a construct (she was machinelike much of the time in her gentle responses to stimuli), I experienced a wave of something unexpected: Comfort. Security. Relaxation. All rolled into one due to knowing she was completely controlled one-hundred percent of the time. The Brunette was the diametric opposite. Intelligent, yes, but too much so in areas which had me concerned over her intentions much of the time. I had no idea what she was thinking at any second and I could not live like that. Not even for a day.

Gemma is but one example. Not a big deal, but she really put a fine point on the idea that I cannot ever be completely at ease through any other means. Believe it. This will destroy me, sure as hell.

How many entries have included such a line of thinking? That's right... Too many. This problem is now the top of my mental and emotional heap. No matter what I accomplish today, all of this shit will be in there spinning like any other day. I cannot free myself of the worry, nor can I rise above and be stronger or more forthright in my actions. These late days have me sliding backward into eleven and everything that insane year provided, short of running away over and over. I have fewer options now. Damned few, really.


Do you have the answer? I didn't think so.

The pulling is gone now. One little smidgen of good.

I cannot help but wonder what other people go through. Troubling thoughts? I don't know, but sometimes I honestly believe that I am not alone in this. I can wonder all I wish, but the rub is I will never know because the doors are shut. No one gets in there, not even those closest. Perhaps if I could retract my defenses and speak with another person there may be insight, or at least difficulties with which I could identify. Unfortunately, none of that is possible because more fear pushes it back. Further in, further down, and unavailable all the time. I suppose I will just keep wondering. Like everything else, the questions will lead to nothing.

The light is up but she still sleeps. That means I must keep the house quiet for the time being. Soon I will be able to attack the routine and keep my friends up on the screens. If this goes bad or I lose the muse for a while, I can always head out to the new office and shoot a couple of items to be ready for listing. Cash coming in is very important these days as I need to remain physically comfortable. Such a state is nearly above all things this morning. The thought is to stay cozy and within my little world for as long as is feasible. Everything seems to be thinning lately, meaning the trip in five days may be the last time I find enjoyment and contemplation up there in the mountains of money and sex. Years of visiting have demonstrated how comfortable I can be in that place and what the escape means. Just like Disneyland or World, hiding in plain sight and feeling completely anonymous contribute to the realization that I am nothing more than a wallet while within such a cash-driven atmosphere, albeit as expected. I know what patrons are to the corporation and have no illusions of anything more, short of the consequences after possibly striking a sizeable jackpot at some point. Until such a miracle, I am a number and find solace in being viewed as an ordinary visitor. On top of said comfort, being at such a distance from the house I have rarely left in eight months appears dreamy in its own right. We shall see.

The trip also brings to mind the idea of the queen. Maybe she is up there in some other form. I will no doubt see several examples of the type of well-dressed beauty which have graced my vision for years, and like the characters in the holiday movies, perhaps they will merge and create a machine, effectively causing me to once again fall down over the knowledge that my happiness is equally impossible. She may be there at this very moment, but not what I need. Both unreal and necessary. Remember the film scene I mentioned? That level is never for me. Again... Just never me. That woman was a real actor and real character, yet the situation was such that she represented a needle at zero and heading in directions only dictated by the wisdom and knowledge of another person. If that is not the closest to a machine, I don't know what is. Fuck me. One more time for effect... Never me.

The astral queen. Impossible. Absolute. Damaging. God damn is the woman on the screen ever stunning.

I am still sitting here awaiting the opportunity to make some noise, but not worried about the timing. I have all fucking day to do whatever I wish or need, just like every other day for months. The beginning of this week really put into perspective the idea of order in the house. Everything was turned on its ear for nearly two days and had me more anxious than I can recall. I believe a good measure of my discomfort was over realizing that my little world had to be opened for others to complete some work and allow the function to be freed up. Well, I have been here for so long and sunk in so deeply that any little snag creates much turmoil in my otherwise isolated location. I felt somewhat helpless despite having extensive knowledge of the operation of everything involved. Relying upon others becomes necessary from time to time and I am hoping the experience will help me to see that connecting with people need not always be a trial. I made it through just fine. Holding that close is important, especially considering I will be out of this house for nearly four days next week. The hotel is quite opposite this place in that I do not look around and see problems. I need not worry about anything while there. Just physical comfort up the wazoo. Heh. Right now I don't see how the issues of days ago can be a bad thing. Trouble comes in many forms and what took place was completely out of my control. That means I faced it and survived. This has to be good.


I watched part of a film yesterday afternoon and stared at Mary's incredibly dark eyes for quite some time. I've always thought of her as a classic beauty, too. I don't know why, nor can I describe what those hurt, teary eyes do to me, however I did stare and became enamored with her just as years ago. The woman seems to be a composite of many others, not the least of which are the goddess and the Raven. She was unbelievably beautiful in the role. Her eyes went through me like crap through a goose. Do I feel anything more? Nope. Nothing at all. Just amazement. A mere thousandth of a percent of the beauty I see from one day to the next drives desire. That is all. And I am going to make an effort to leave it out of this space, too. There is no point anymore.

The queen could be out there. At the top I said 'she is out there', although I know better. Ugh, I don't need to see him on the screen. Good actor, great role, but oy fucking shit does he conjure the trash and send it flying through my head. Maintain focus upon the queen, idiot. He can do nothing in reality. Wait... Did I really just say that? Oof.

No more rain for the time being. Yesterday ended mostly dry, and as much as I love the rain and wind all over the place, I need to be able to get things done without trashing the floor again. I'll be out there in a little bit. I am going to cease this and publish, after which the day could be my oyster. There is plenty to do. Kitchen, some laundry, more organization, and the things I wish to sell. That last one is huge because the auctions will be live while we are in Nevada, and that means I can watch them during the vacation. I just love having something to keep track of when we are out for days. Every now and then something brings the auctions to mind and then I check with excitement. Pretty cool, and just one more little boost to the trip. Photographing today for listing tomorrow is a priority. You know the rest... Show in the background, daily routine sans driving (yes!), and everything under my complete control just so the brain feels comfort. Every now and again I will look out the window and see the world going by without me in it.

And dreams of the astral queen with her empty, pretty head.

A real flesh and blood woman with damned-near nothing upstairs? Am I that out of balance? Oh, fuck yes. Worse, even."