December 10th, 2020 5:26pm pst

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning


 read ( words)

"I believe I have actual confirmation of the biggest, most threatening fear imaginable from just the other day. The trust? Gone. I cannot trust the inside any longer. Why? Well, it was already hanging by a thread prior to the last few days, and now I have decided that protection of myself takes priority over the well-being of other people. Time to shut it off for good. There is no longer any wondering of what may be taking place behind the scenes, and I do not care to know of the words. Hidden or not, I am certain they still form sentences in the worst way.


Yesterday went pretty well, although I dozed off after lunch for about thirty minutes. I don't like that sort of thing, either. It makes me feel like a lazy person.

The furnace filter base is still sitting up in the attic, but I cleaned out the existing mount and crammed a new filter into it for the time being. The process went better than I had expected and already I am feeling the benefit. The base can wait a while longer while I take care of other concerns, too. After wiring the power for the fan and straightening all my stuff up there, any other project related to the attic is not a priority now. The living area will kick off this morning and I can already feel the accomplishments without lifting a finger. And now is the time for me to keep busy while all that crap flies through my head. I'm sure it will fade with time, but right now I need to push and place myself at the top of the heap. The others can take a back seat to my attitude as well as whatever I feel needs to be addressed. After the filter issue yesterday I am no longer worried over the small items which have sat for so long. A little at a time is showing me that I need not be in a hurry and nothing is as difficult as I had envisioned. This is good. Unfortunately, I must enjoy the benefits without speaking with another person. They can all go away.

I am actually going to drive today after more than three weeks of remaining home. Unbelievable. I am looking forward to the feeling of arriving back here in a little while and organizing my stuff. I have missed the scheduling of morning and afternoon drives, too. All of the free time is good most days, although the feeling of being here is much better when my time needs to be kept within windows. It's like a goal each afternoon. I'm sure by the later hours I will feel that pull to have everything in order upon leaving the house again.

Hard to believe that I addressed the devil yesterday. At least I don't need to worry about who is reading because number one, I have shut off the publishing, and two, the word is likely meaningless to anyone other than me. Well, I guess it doesn't matter anyway. I expect no solutions to my issues and will keep spouting no matter the circumstances. The hosting has been extended by six months, so there is plenty more to come. Combined with my need to continue writing and the idea of everything being closed off to the general public, I can see this eventually resulting in more clarity than the site has enjoyed for years. Prior to Maggie I never mentioned anything specific, and despite my shading much of what appears here, the truth is I have revealed more than I had ever thought possible, considering the direction this has taken since Jaime (spring). More of the devil will be attempted, too. I can't help it. Pause.

And back from the drive, part of my routine finished along with a little organization in the new office. The trip to the big store yielded many cases of canned and dry goods to maintain our pandemic staples, and due to the space required I reconfigured some things to make room. I also finished the vanity project and have the bathroom closed off for the day while it dries. So far, the space looks good. I shot a few more items to list, too. The show is in the background, cats are sleeping (as usual for most of the daylight hours), and the house is peaceful. Perfect for all of the thinking I have to do. Stop.

pressure test

Trying to finalize or cap anything discussed here this year is nearly futile. Everything returns. Nothing ever leaves me. It's like a ball of yarn, yet there is no trailing end to tie off. Remember the 'Rope'? Well, the fibers are memories. Some lose tensile and fray while many remain strong. Don't ask about the blood.

The day has been peaceful, quiet and productive, yet the mechanisms inside have not let up. Regardless of the day's quality or quantity, the issues (now six as opposed to the previous and belabored four) do not fade completely. Off the edge again and today is but the ninth day of the month. This is not good, especially when I consider the second of the next month is but weeks away. The normal processes of fall and Winter cannot take place now. The world is closed off, dark and brooding. Separate. Isolated. My typical pulls for the season have been many but are now reduced to only one. I have no idea if those strands are going to maintain tensile for much longer. The memories are weighty and ceaseless. I keep thinking of the manner in which the holidays felt and appeared years ago and cannot even begin to push them aside in favor of the present. Not even close. Between those years and my exit from life a decade ago, I am beginning to believe there can be no resolution to it. Everything continues to narrow and seems beyond my control since the trip. Knowing I felt the love of Nevada for the last time did not make for a good beginning to the Christmas season. I am not liking life very much right now. The season hangs there trying to keep my head up, however I am drowning within the undertow of the four magical years. All those people are gone and my sight is growing dark. I know not how to remain upright.


Ugh... Again with the nightly trouble. Thursday morning is here and it doesn't matter. Last night was very trying. I began to descend into that familiar pit which used to result from just a bit too much bourbon. Alas, I do not drink that stuff anymore. Sign of the fucking times.

Today I am not driving because the afternoon seems to be more relaxing when I remain here. Now more than ever I really need the solace. Selling helps, and those auctions are continuing to roll along for me. The simplicity of tackling small projects around the house is also a good thing. By close of business yesterday I felt as if I earned the evening. Just a couple of things above and beyond the norm is all it takes for me to feel a little better about myself in these late days. I will do my best to carry on with those items in a little while and after I have the quiet. Being alone also holds its share of difficulties, though. I sometimes can't get two of the issues to leave me be, often resulting in the fourth rearing its head and leaving me a depressed pile of nothingness for a good portion of the day. I can't have that right now. I already have enough going on and do not need any other little blades slicing off parts of the day and removing my ambition.

Four is up to me, remember?

Sometimes I want to screw Rachel's brains right out of her fucking head. Damn, those long legs up in the air? Bad. Just... Bad. I have to change the channel before I go further, and don't even get me started with her young co-star. Fuck me, anyway.

So the house is mine for most of this day. The hour is early and I have plenty of things to do. One is already cared for, and that is one of my more complex watches being dead as a door nail. I contacted the manufacturer and will probably need to send it to them pretty quick. Aside from that, I have the usual routine and a few other items to tackle prior to lunch. The progress yesterday feels good. Between the fan power, furnace filter rework, reorganization of the dining room and the bathroom vanity being complete, I feel empowered to go further. Well, this is a house, which means there is always something. Today I am going to cut a shelf for the closet I went through a couple of weeks back. Once covered and installed, I can get our most-used linens in there and the hell off my drafting table. I would like to clear it completely and get my home design up for consideration. No matter how bad my situation becomes, and just like all those dreamy homes I created while in the Midwest, I can still visualize living in one of them. The newest design is an adaptation of the home I owned out in the valley with some pretty dramatic modifications. Completing my chores today means I can gaze at it once again. And if I sound positive, it's because I am. But keep in mind the darkness is always right there awaiting my lack of attention.

impact chamber

'I just saw something at a hell of an angle as I glanced toward the television. I should not have seen that and the result is not going to be good. It was the angle and her smile, but I was not necessarily gazing at her face. The angle, as I am sitting very close to the lower left corner of the screen. The apparent angle does not change, that is in my head and imagination. The television screen is going to show me whatever it will and the angles and relative distances are impermeable and unchangeable because I am watching recorded entertainment on a flat panel. I cannot move from side to side and expect the perspective to follow. That is impossible. My brain did it all, and quickly enough to force this paragraph. The angle was amazing, beautiful, dark, and inviting like nothing else on earth. I am reminded of the goddess and her open-mindedness toward me and any desire I had revealed. The angle up there just shut down my ability to continue the threading and now I must pause and think. My head did it.'

I may not be able to force things into the shape I require for some happiness. And when I say 'force', I mean there are aspects of life which must be out of balance in order for me to survive week after week of being alive and conscious. Otherwise I will become very unpleasant and closed off like never before. The fact that I cannot leverage certain things means I have to locate other avenues in order to find some fucking satisfaction. Right now nothing is the way I need it. The tiny smidgen of hope is all of the cash tumbling in from wherever-the-fuck my buyers live. A little here, a little there, soon I will have a pile. I just have to keep that going because every other aspect of living has become unacceptable. And I am not fucking kidding. The situation is narrowing.

Yesterday morning I had an easier time trying to reason my way through a typical situation which arises from time to time and causes my head to fail. And Rachel is up there next to Beau Bridges. He is a legend, and Rachel is his junior by decades. What an honor to work next to someone of his accomplishments. I always think of the role he played opposite Tom and the asshole he turned into, but Beau played it so well because he is amazing. Don't get me started on his brother, either. And then Rachel, tall and so lovely that I don't understand. Six feet in the boots (yes, the height again. Go fuck yourself, it does something to me) and so stunning with her goofy little nose. I wish her hair was a touch darker in this movie, though. Oh, well... Still captivating.

What was I saying?

A tough morning again. Dreaming of running my tongue all over Rachel isn't helping, but that is primarily my own fault anyway. One minute at a time, I suppose.

One more box will be picked up today. Very good. Another little deposit. Between their site tools and my own computer and printer, packing and shipping is typically a breeze these days. I'll have to look around more today and see what else can go out the door. I might actually sell the drums, but that will not be an auction. Oy thoughts of Rachel and some of the others keep derailing my direction toward making sense here. Damn it.

Ah... Good. The movie is over and another is just beginning. Thank Christ the female lead is a blonde because that is not my thing. Oy, her eyes though. Big and beautiful. Wow, she is something to see. Anyway, the time is nearly at hand for me to get off my ass and away from this for a bit. Hopefully the watch company will get back to me soon so I know what to do with that lovely timepiece. I also wish to head out to the new office and shoot images of a few leftover tools which are taking up space. I don't know how, but for whatever reason I ended up with doubles and even triples of some pliers. Years of moving here and there and having different jobs just filled my toolbox with lots of things I don't really need. They will go on the auction site very soon. I'll have to keep busy, too. The weather has been very warm for this time of year but is now beginning to cool. Sitting on my ass means I'm cold. No good.

Wow, her eyes are HUGE. Fuck me in a muddy ditch anyway. Why do I still watch these movies? Now I want to swallow her whole. And the co-star with her darkness... Ugh, that vision which the Brunette brought to my attention all those years ago. Why? Is it something I need and have suppressed? The idea is nearly impossible anyway, and between the intimidation, fear and worry over more than one mind involved, I surely would not survive the process. But God damn is that woman gorgeous. Whatever may develop inside my brain, she is something else. I don't know if I am able to cease commenting upon the lovely actors on this channel because the inner workings are all fucked up again. I know not what else to do.

The watch company replied and I indeed must send it to them. Apparently, there was a problem with a part of the charging system and they are going to upgrade it and replace both batteries. Wonderful! I'll miss it for a while but the others can keep me company. Off to the chores. Pause.

Finished for a while. I ventured to three stores including the hardware to secure staples for completing the attic work and replace the aged light switch in the garage. Originally I was going to use the smart switch, but I'd rather have something more reliable and solid. I opted for a heavy duty unit which will undoubtedly last for decades. While out, and more pointedly upon returning home, I noticed the familiar ache but have no idea from where it came. Right out of left field, really. This is growing tiresome lately. I have no outlet other than ice anymore. The difficulty is akin to something hitting me, although nothing has taken place as I am very cautious. At my age, any occasion is more troublesome than the last. Truly there is no answer yet I am completely disillusioned with the manner in which my body must put a fine point upon the past. At least most of the chores are finished. I can sit and take it easy for as long as necessary for alleviating discomfort. Remaining still is a good thing.

pressure tunnel

The devil is becoming a demon in my head. I have no control anymore. This upsets my stomach on top of the current discomfort. Fuck.

Sometimes, the pesky 'Brunette' situation comes to mind when I am feeling down or full of desire. Not right now, of course, due to the path this day has taken, but more often than I care to admit. The caring I have seen but never experienced cannot be overstated as the very idea is an explicit doubling of options. The massive downside is the idea is rarely anything other than a setup. I cannot deny this. Still, considering the unreal idea and its inherent benefits (albeit temporary and likely very disconcerting in the end), I cannot get past the idea after much time has passed. The state of myself is such that anything overwhelming seems enticing. I would surely be overwhelmed, too. But the fear takes away any possibility or discussion. Clear? Nope. Not at all. I cannot spell it out. I just dream and wonder.

Brain? Full of it. Body? Far away.

I wish that idea had never come about, especially related to her. Eventually we fell apart but the imagery my mind created remained for a very long time. I don't need that kind of shit inside, there are plenty of other problems already occupying my thoughts on a daily basis. Today, for example, is one in which I cannot get the root causes out of me and find myself going about my business with trouble following at each step. Add to that the discomfort and reasoning behind it being there so often, and the result is me being extremely depressed and concerned. As I said, I need no more issues, especially now. I already have piles of crap inside. I don't blame her for bringing it up, either. She was innocently trying to suggest something which seems to be a draw for many. Well, I am worse off now than I was at that time, and the draw now appears as something I see from time to time which only makes me feel worse. Again... Not her fault. She was sweet and thinking only of my happiness. The woman had no idea the depth of my head at the time, nor could she have known what I would soon become.

I know of specifics which lent to my current state of mind but cannot reveal one iota.

Lunch time is out of the way and I feel the same as this morning. On the upside, my old GPS unit is charging in the garage for later sale. More stuff out the door. The money is not increasing quickly, but it is increasing and will continue to do so for quite some weeks. I need the security of knowing there is a blanket of sorts in case I get into a scrape.

'What I did was dead wrong and I knew it at the time. I still feel it every moment of every day and I know where I have placed myself. I did it regardless of the knowledge that my life would be very limited and unfulfilling. I fucking did it nearly with a reckless disregard for the consequences to others. Nearly, but mot completely. Self-preservation is not my strong suit. I do care for others, however. That cannot be denied or argued. Not even close. I tried to strike a balance but none was available. So, after careful consideration and calculation, I pushed a button that almost cannot be released. I did it knowing full well that the hole I occupied in prior years was warm and awaiting my return. I knew it. And here I sit, in a place of my design, partially deserved, and partly comfortable. The rest? Suicidal, drunken, fearful, and desperate every fucking day of every fucking week of every fucking month. But I did it anyway. The time for planning is at hand. Yep... Another Goddamned decision. Yay for me. Fuck you.'

Devil, demon... Whatever I may call it, the feeling will not disappear and I have become preoccupied with daydreaming of everything I need. This day is turning into an exercise in patience and one I have not experienced for some weeks. The machine comes to mind every fucking time, too. I cannot get around it anymore, for the very idea is control and a lack of anything emanating from another side. Make sense? I didn't think so. I've already gone into this several times recently, although I do not see it fading into the archive anytime soon. That right there is an example of how deeply I feel regarding something which is now more important to me than nearly all of daily life. Honestly, if I didn't have some physical comfort and a shitload of alcohol, there would be zero chance of me coming out the other side of this calendar year. I even went so far as to kill the holiday movies for the day -- against my better judgment -- in order to keep the imagery out of my head. As much as is possible, anyway. I don't need to see all that exotic beauty when my head fails to return from beyond.


A few more things cared for this afternoon and I am thinking that is all for the day. The hour is late and she will be home soon, so I am going to sit here for a bit and rest. So far I am pleased at the sheer number of items shipped and others are waiting in the wings. This is very good. I also repaired a picture frame which will be delivered on Sunday. Very nice. The new office is still quite the mess but workable for the time being. Our warmer weather has gone away and working out there is a toughie without sunshine. Only small necessities are done these days. Soon enough I can get out there and be open for business for a while and then care for everything. It's funny how all of the early projects were focused upon the operation and appearance of the garage, whereas now I seem to be primarily in the house. I believe that fateful day last spring when I blew a gasket was the clincher for working with power tools and furthering my efforts for the space out there to be acceptable. These days I spend so much more time in the living space that I need this house to be nice and comfortable. Warmth, cleanliness, and entertainment are key. Ah... Good food, too. Heh.

The difficulty of this morning has passed, thank Christ, and my head is a tad clearer after completing my daily routine. The downside is that I know it will return sometime tomorrow morning and I'll have to go through it all again. Perhaps a plan at the outset of any feelings of desire so I can avoid sitting still for too long. Right now it sounds like a good idea. The time will come, though, and that will be the deciding factor in my dealing with this each day. Not good. I am pretty damned sick of becoming drowned within the dreams so often. This is not easy sometimes. And don't give me shit about the fact that everyone has some sort of problem (or more than one) that they must deal with. I have neither the time nor the inclination to consider people I do not know, and my vast analysis throughout all these years means I am working on myself and have no wish to be equated with others. Fuck them.

Eh... Time to stop this for today. I am certain there will be a head full in the morning again, if today was any indication of my direction now."