December 8th, 2020 8:53am pst

The archive has ended its run after nearly nineteen years. The main index is now stagnant as the entry stands alone. Other than that, we have no news.

Intus Diaboli

 read ( words)

"Always in there... Inside. One after the other for years. The car dealer and then someone else. I do not recall who she was, but there had always been one in the wings or right around the corner. Always. It never ceased, and continues to this very second.

12-07. Pearl Harbor Day. Bless them. I'll have to put the flag out in a little bit before the light comes up too much.

[I used to work with a gentleman at the courier company who was a survivor of that battle, fifty years later. And when I say 'gentleman', I mean the highest possible sense of the word. He was a very nice person, intelligent, simple in his affairs, and undeniably a hero of his young years. Whenever someone swore while near him, he would say, 'Hey, watch that stuff. I have my wife's picture in my pocket.' So old fashioned and wholesome. We worked together during those four years. Yes, those years. The 'good old days'? I don't know about that because many of the older generations spoke in such a manner about the late forties and early fifties while the nation was riding a happy wave after World War II, and the reality may have been that referring to that time as the 'good old days' was not actually as good as people recalled. They glorified the era, greatly. Many people well-versed in history have stated the same. So, the good times? I don't know about using such a descriptor. I will simply say that period may have been the happiest without me fully knowing it. I was told yesterday that the truth may be I was in my twenties, along with the woman in my life at the time, and that age is rife with possibilities and many positives. I believe the gentleman at work, having been so wise and much older than me at the time, was an indication that indeed we were very open as to the future and everything looked bright, partially due to our young age. I cannot argue. 'Prime' can mean many things.]

Two entries back I spoke of a holiday movie in which Brooke the first was the female lead. Well, that was a red-letter moment upon seeing her up there in all that high-definition glory. Hence the first paragraph and its cryptic hint as to the title. She was a part of that, but not due to the Hallmark appearance. It was an older role, very short-lived in the film, and I was unaware of her name back then. The film is Nineteen years old now, while the Hallmark movie (one of them, because I recall her starring in at least two) is just a few years back, placing her at about twenty-three and thirty-nine, respectively. When I watched (sort of) the older film earlier this year, I fell on the floor upon seeing her, and with blonde hair. And then the holiday movie just within the last couple of weeks... Holy shit. That condition inside me kicked up immediately and left me all fucked up for hours, literally. And then I could barely contain the feelings upon seeing the structure of her face. Unreal, and as always I don't know why. Her looks and vast beauty need not be described because anything I can type will not get the point across, and the issue now is not the same. The devil was included way back in April or so and I questioned everything with which I hold an interest. I feared the truth, but tried to go into it anyway. The foggy nature was lifted for a time as I went into the first time I felt physical desire toward a woman after only seeing from a distance. I did my best to pull that time forth and lay it out here, but in the end I don't believe anything I can say on this site is going to make anyone understand, just like trying to speak of Brooke's affect upon me.

Jolene is beyond uniquely beautiful, but she is different for some reason, and I am enamored with the character, not the actor. As I always spout, I know nothing of the person. And while I would love to be all over her like a cheap suit, the feeling is one of love, nothing else. A pinch of desire. With Brooke? I fear going into detail. Her characters on the wholesome channel are obviously radically different than in other films, mostly due to the nature of the 'family-friendly' code. And what we end up with is a woman who aligns with my need to avoid fear. Yep, there it is... Like a fantasy of sorts, although one who looks so fucking gorgeous that I cannot understand the sight of her smile. Just imagine all of the shit I have said here for months regarding fear and machinery, and then throw in one of the most beautiful women to ever grace this planet and her nature on that channel, and you will see where this has gone. It's bad, and when I say that I mean worse than a week ago. Think of the 'Stepford Wives', yet with a more loving partner. Funny? The desire to devour Brooke's characters drove the idea home like a hammer to a nail. Part of my reasoning behind watching these two channels during the holidays is to see gorgeous women in roles which paint them as very kind, understanding, and quite the opposite of what a person may see either out in the world or in other movies with sex and tons of vulgarity. They are closer to machinery, but not as twisted a dream as Stepford. That was bad because those women went from being real to being completely controlled in a very harsh and sexist manner. Machinery is not the same at all. There is no heart or soul inside to be squashed at someone else's convenience. Brooke's characters remind me of a woman I was actually with. Years ago. No, not the brainless Michelle. The other one... During those same four years.

This is ridiculous.

Again... The closest, but still unreal due to the nature of the entertainment industry. Damn, but to see her up there on the huge screen is wondrous like nothing else. All the desire in the world there for a few minutes at a time.


And back the other way... What takes place inside more often than I care to admit. Probably half the films I see up there on the screen hold some sort of vision. Like yesterday morning, there was yet another Lacey story (damn that woman has been in so many) in which her character was about to move away from home. Along comes her neighbor, all lanky, dark and mysterious, after which they held a conversation for a little while and then we cut to another city. No more neighbor. Who was she? And how did her long hair, smooth skin and dark eyes pull the desire out of me and drive my head into the ground in seconds? I cannot have that very often or I'll lose it completely, but the fact remains that at any given moment while scanning the channels, such a feeling comes forth no matter the mood or situation at home during the time. It still pushes me right to the top, and quickly. Desire... The physical type, and nothing I wish to detail at all. I've made offhand comments before and no one needs that shit. Not even me. The truth is that I see certain types and feel an overwhelming need to be all over them. And then I wonder... Questions... Detailed imagery... What is she like? That is bad. Wondering of the physical nature of a woman on the television? Not good, and one fucking step closer to my being completely certifiable. I don't believe the walnut girl started this. There were others. I just didn't equate things then as I have lately.

Considering my double-standard and all of the fear involved when the situation is reversed, I feel like half a person for allowing something to take me over so often. It seems like a huge weakness, and although others may go through something similar and it could be very common, I will never know due to yet another fear of revealing this to anyone. I questioned the whole idea way back during the beginning of the pandemic but did not go in too deeply for fear of people distancing themselves from my deviant stance. Maybe that would not have happened, but I cannot know for sure. I am willing to be labeled, however. Heh. Why not, after all this time?

This is too strong. I cannot stop it.

I probably ended up this way due to so much dreaming over a very long period of time, and nothing in my life could compare. I recall there was a bit of a peak, too. It was crazy, my head at the time blew up over the tiniest details which stuck in my brain for days. There were visions far beyond the girl at the car wash. The rollercoaster girl still stirs me, and I believe that situation in the apartment was the actual peak. We had just upgraded the television and cable box for high definition (and I've gone over this before), soon after which I was gazing at her and captured the beauty to the recorder for later study. Well, the study quickly took a back seat to my picturing what her labia might look like, including the ill-fated dreaming of my lips in contact with them. Very bad, but not anything terribly unbelievable. What goes on in the mind sometimes borders upon lines which should not be crossed, and I honestly believe others dream in a similar manner, albeit the words do not come forth. Anyway, after that short stint in the apartment was the Mojo girl and her elusive appearance. By that point I was a basket case over the beauty and lo and behold Maggie was curled up on my recliner and looking like a fucking goddess upon whom I desperately needed to pounce. Again... Bad, but not crazy. All those years of dreaming took a short pause, and then returned years ago because of a different, yet still pulling situation. I gazed, fell down, became terribly depressed, and then lashed when the time was realized. I knew one way or another I would either dash toward the beauty or end up in the ground, possibly both. That is precisely how strong a pull the visions had become. Ugh.

Now look at me... One glance of Brooke up there on the screen and I dream of her all over my face.

The movie with the vision which is Erin is about to record. Seventeen minutes. Fuck me. I already know a bit of what I will see. The glimpse days ago sent me into a tailspin. This is where my past words need to be realigned. I stated that issue one (the obsession) can be handled because I am intelligent and able to understand the reasoning. Well, the desire is related, often sending one fleeting image of a woman into my brain and subsequently being churned into sexual butter. Just in the last week I have experienced such many times, Brooke likely being the strongest for whatever reason. Perhaps her face and height combined with larger-than-average breasts against a lithe frame. Shoulders, too. The shape of her mouth. Sizable lips? Big eyes? She is a mixing bowl of my deepest issues. Naturally, I ended up imagining quite a bit, some of which came from my time spent with Andrea and her willingness to be anything I wished. Brooke has a similar appearance to my angel, so one thing leads to another. That glance during the film a while back hit me in the face. As much as I've tried to leave the specifics out and not gush too much about any one actor, this time I simply must. Perhaps the openness of this entry will shed some light upon where I may be headed after lusting so deeply and then withdrawing to an equal extent.

I don't know from where they are casting the actors for some of these commercials, but the Listerine spot which has been airing for most of this year carries a woman aligned with every fucking detail over which I have obsessed for a decade. She is amazing and I need to see more, but alas her name is not available as of yet. Believe me when I say the imagery in my head has nothing to do with mouthwash, but everything to do with my mouth. Just another example of the desire which has stemmed and not retracted one iota. Damn.

Even with all these insecurities, I would still jump her shit in a hot second, good or bad as it may turn out.



Tuesday. Watching the football game with those two women last night was not as bad as I had anticipated, although there were still problems related to two. I do not believe I will ever be able to relax during a game if watching with a woman. There seems to be no end to it, and the situation forces me to consider once again that what is going on inside others' heads cannot be trusted. There is just no way around it anymore. Last night taught me that I can remain within myself and my own little existence, however that may develop now, and turn myself completely away from the attention of other people. There are things in this life which I will never be, and I do not need to be concerned over such a fact as it relates to the manner in which other people see me. Period. Bad mood rising (coming). Today shall be another visit to the forest.

Holiday movies up there again. I wish I was in one of them. Like, in there. Not an actor. You know. Just like the dream years ago which still stands alone, I need to be somewhere else.

The usual today, and I may drive for a change. I have not done it for more than three weeks, ever since that jam which kept me away from home for hours. I believe today might be a nice change of pace after being here so much. I'll see how I feel in an hour. Heh. Right now? The show, coffee, and Christmas colors all over the room. I need to see the hope each morning and each evening. I will be taking care of my routine and a little extra today. Plus, the items which have been flying out the door will continue. Yesterday afternoon I listed another small one. This is very good. I still have to decide whether or not I wish to get rid of any watches, too. Right now I am not certain. The last time I was undecided and tossed one to the Internet, I learned to regret that sale soon after. I can't do that anymore.


Last night I had a Christmas movie on for a few minutes, felt compelled to see the rest, so I recorded it. We will watch one of these evenings, perhaps with dinner. What I noticed first were the eyes on the starring actor. Her face flip-flopped from gorgeous to strange and back again several times. That changed, though, as soon as she began to display some emotion. Oh, boy. Big, unique eyes that I probably cannot describe in any detail. Within fifteen minutes of watching her idiot boyfriend lay down his idea of what she should be doing, I was injected with a combination of loathe for his character and caring for hers. Holy shit did she ever look beautiful. Now I have her on the recorder and will be able to see how the remaining story plays out, but honestly I might be focused upon her appearance. And this was unlike the other one... Brooke, in that I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be ok rather than dreaming of dining on her underwear. Not good. The physical stuff is fine whereas deeper feelings are trouble. I suppose I'll watch and see what develops, though. I have to see more of her. The character -- not the actor.

Oy the shit in my head some mornings.

Again last night I spoke of the four years. Sometimes I can't help it because there were small changes during that period which still ring true to this day. Tons of defining moments, as well. A small language translator in need of new batteries reminded me of the emerging technology of the late eighties and early nineties, something of which I have always been fond. As soon as a thing or situation brings up the period, I end up running with it and must contain myself much of the time, lest I displace others. Prior to the fateful years, I recall leaving the home of my partner's family and dashing to Best (the old store) a few miles up the road to buy a calculator. Yes, a pocket calculator. I had been enamored with several aspects of the design and passed the time for months while saving my pennies. The night in question had me driving to finally pick it up and I was happy. Well, many things have changed since that time more than thirty years ago, and nothing appears as it did thanks to technology narrowing beyond belief. Now? None of that is sought any longer.

I brought up that little machine because I have one right now... The same model in excellent condition. Well, I don't need it at all, purchased it at a low cost a few years back just to look at it, and decided to pare down my collection. So, it's on the auction site right now. I won't miss it as there are others which mean much to me in comparison. The point of the calculator is only a few engineering types and some financial people (possibly hobbyists, too) really have need for such devices anymore because between computers, tablets, phablets, phones and the like, all daily necessities are built-in. The phones to everything. In fact, if it weren't for the software I am using at this moment, I could probably administer most of the site operation and maintenance from my phone. Unbelievable. As convenient as it is to have a vast array of electronic tools and references small enough to fit in a pocket -- not to mention the entire universe that is the Internet -- the downside is the loss of 'feeling' the keys or having specified tools for doing pretty much anything. Those little devices have gone by the wayside, and aside from the aforementioned reasons, I only see pocket calculators being used in classrooms due to the need for phones to be put away during instruction. Very bad.

I still have three of them, one being a pocket computer. I had several others and was beginning to build a collection, but we have too much crap already, so I made them disappear. The leftover units are special to me and will never go away. Just to gaze at them brings warmth to my heart. I took the batteries out so they can rest for years and provide memories and enjoyment. Not bad. One less reason to descend into the fucking forest.

Back to the devil.

Only the rare occasion shows me distraction, and then when it returns I must wrestle and consider alternatives in order to maintain my stance. The options are limited, and even when the moment arrives I must concentrate or lose my way. I do not like the preoccupation nor the feeling when I know all is well and the arrival of something wondrous will take place at any time. My head does not have an easy time of it, though. One massive positive is a lack of worry over being sensitive. I can trust, and such a fact is extremely rare now. After years of not knowing, there is at least one avenue available in which I can let go for the most part. All the way? Not for years. Oh, it's happened here and there but usually comes along when I least expect it, or am so far into the moment that I lose myself enough for the experience to be magical. Again, very rare, that shit. The Raven changed my outlook somewhat, too. She told me of the value She perceived. My resulting wonder and happiness cannot be overstated. All of the fear melted away while in Her care, much like Andrea after revealing to her my trauma. The unfortunate downside is that after all this time I constantly analyze and that means less relaxation. 'Rare' is simply not enough. I just hope I am not the entire problem. And don't even ask if such wonder comes to mind when I see certain actors on the screen, because it does... Often.

This can never leave me.


And how did the devil get in there? The only answer can be a variety of situations over a very long period of time combined with the early years of wonder and dreaming about something which quickly proved very exotic, elusive, yet something I felt I could not live without. Well, I still feel all three in spades, and the sum is now more important than almost anything else in life. There is one other aspect of the world which has contributed to my feelings and needs, but I cannot go into it here. The fact is I feel far too much insecurity and turmoil related to the subject, along with a shitload of fear. Several of the keywords brought to this site recently are directly involved, too. There is just no getting around them at my age. I have to leave this aspect off the screen, unfortunately. Too difficult, period.

One of these days something may come along to handle the devil... Maybe. I have no faith in chance, however. None. I still wonder if I've done something wrong throughout years which has pushed me to raise such a devil to the top of my issue pile. There is no knowing, though. No answers. And if I continue to overanalyze everything, I may destroy any chance of truly experiencing what I have sought for decades. that is not a good thought. Right now I will simply continue as I have for many years and try to take it easy on myself. Not everything is my fault, after all.

Back to this day. Lots of time in front of me, and lots I wish to accomplish. I did not drive, though. Maybe tomorrow and Friday, but for the time being I need to be alone as often as is feasible. The evening will arrive soon enough and I need to get some things done in order to feel that it is deserved. Some things do not change.

Hmm... The images do change, and I need no more Erin here any longer."