06-13-2020 06:56 pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning


 read ( words)

"Desire. Ugh.

Back from the drive and in my cocoon. Today will be an extension of what I went into at the end of the last entry. Right now I have seven hours to take care of business, work here, and begin the forest process. All in good time, and right out of the gate I feel better than yesterday. Some mistakes were apparent during my time home, and that means I will push to improve today.

I uploaded Jaime to the server so I can see her whenever I need. It was bound to happen. I have to know that if my heart needs to look at those images they are available. In this fucking day and age, we can have anything, anytime, anywhere. Both good and bad. The technology has fucked up people more than they care to admit, and at the same time has improved some aspects of life, like helping others. Placing that woman on the server means she is with me when she is not with me. But she is always with me. Does that make sense? Jamie is always there even though she is not. Next to me, but a million miles away. Or right down the street. Or San Diego. But in my heart. Should I stop? Yep.

The forest situation is going to be left out of this for the time being. I must carry on analyzing the other three issues... Jaime, desire, and the world. As much as the world is responsible for the forest rising again (and that woman pictured a few days ago, whom I will not discuss), I feel that I can keep it in check without causing problems for others because I am truly the source. I do not want it to affect anyone who does not deserve such behavior. Perhaps one point of it should be revealed, and that is my increasing need to remain at a distance with regard to others. There will be more on that later, but suffice to say that so far I have effectively forced people to ask questions, as planned. Oh, there are a couple of others who have a pretty good idea of what is happening, but the mass will remain in the dark. The entire subject is kind of a pain in the ass to describe and can make me come across like an asshole, sometimes. It depends upon the reader, really. So, we leave it alone and avoid any imperial entanglements.

My routine. This aspect began yesterday and I do feel that sitting and finishing the coffee while exploring before hopping up and working is just fine. I need it. After dropping her off and heading back to the highway, I played two of the three songs again. Damn, the woman from ten years ago is truly embedded within me, pretty deeply. I am not well, but still ok for the most part. The one indicator that I have tilted too far is the disappearance of this content. If it goes away or otherwise becomes inaccessible, I am fucked. Such a situation is not on the horizon, though. One of the most comfortable things in my world is arriving here in the morning and embracing the day. The show is on, the garage is open for when I take a break, and my duties await. That feels nice. I have complete control over the time now. Like this journey you are reading, I need that time and control. Nothing else in the world brings me such a measure of peace.

Holy Jesus God in a fucking flood gun, the face I just saw. Damn. Sometimes this show throws me a curve ball that I cannot avoid. Christ.

I keep daydreaming about the six foot beauty the other day and how seeing her related so much to Jaime. I know the duchess is tall, but just how tall remains a mystery. And yes, that is what I noticed which pressed me to stare. The woman from the other day caused a similar reaction, although I was in no position to grab the phone and capture. That would have been bad considering the number of other people in the vicinity. And? Look what happened when I discovered Jaime in that folder after she sat idle for so long. Something about seeing long arms above long legs has an effect upon me that is difficult to explain. I tried to go into the connection with the VS fashion show and some light may have been shed at that time. I don't know, really. The runway could have been the whole thing, or perhaps just a step in the height direction. What I am certain about is that Jaime stood above the others and drew my gaze as a result. Moments later, I saw much more. The woman with the avocado pants is different. I do not have feelings there other than the aforementioned desire to fly into her nether regions. I have to let this pull run its course and hopefully after the extrapolation there will be a smidgen of cause. Desire comes and goes, but mostly stays away. I brought up Sara yesterday after realizing that the manner in which I looked at her changed quite a bit and again threw me off balance, just as the tall one.

Deborah and her eyes again.

The height thing has caught me many times and all over the place. Normally it does not go anywhere and I move along past it without issue. Once in a while the woman in question ends up showing off much more than that and then I have to think about it a while. Sometimes things change and sometimes they do not. The avocado pants reminded me of no one in particular, although I was looking for Jaime. Searching. That means when I go out and see other people and there is a tall woman, I will be scrutinizing. Every fucking time. The one in the green pants helped me to realize that I am indeed on the lookout for not only tall, beautiful women, but one in particular. I am not happy about this. Further, thinking of that woman from the other day still brings up the same feelings. I do not remember the first sighting of her but I believe it was nearly a week ago. I am writing these entries more quickly than months ago, so the flow of time and information is becoming compressed. Anyway, I still feel the same and I can barely see her now. I was very disappointed to realize she was not the woman of my dreams. And I wanted her immediately. Strongly, like Sara. The height may be unrelated.

It all goes back to two situations. One has been described here... The walnut girl dream and how I awakened feeling different about her and the two in Vegas. The origin of my thinking at that time was a saleswoman at the Ford dealership in Dublin many years ago. And I mean many, like twenty-eight or so. The only female member of the staff at that time that worked on the sales floor. We were not there to see her, but someone else instead. I caught sight of a bright red dress and heels, a mass of dark hair, and watched her walk to and from a couple of the offices before realizing that inside my head a storm was brewing. Naturally, after all this time I have no fucking idea what she looked like, only the red and heels. There have been too many years in between for me to remember. No phones back then, small cameras, nothing. Plus, I was there with my dad and girlfriend. Yep, the blonde with blue eyes. That was not long before the Midwest, maybe a year or two. Well, the bottom line is that everything melted away... The new cars, the girl on my arm, and the reason we were in the showroom, leaving me full of desire. Upon seeing her walk through the room, I immediately wanted her all over me. As far as I can recall, that was the first time I desired a woman physically after only seeing her from a distance. And I mean badly. We won't get into the early years. There is no reason.

The red dress and the green pants. Hmm. And then Jaime floating around in me. I'll get back to this.

Yesterday ended up being more productive than the day before. I don't know what happened that afternoon when I began to feel like crap, but I do know that the end of the day found me disappointed. There are certain things that I need to care for each day and if they are not completed to my satisfaction, I end up out of sorts, as if my control waned. Well, that did not happen yesterday. I took care of everything, did some relaxing and thinking, and then took the drive. Today is different as there is no drive south for me. I will be home all day and likely working in the new office for a while so I can peer around the space and make some plans. The feeling of being here alone for most of each day has become so important to my well-being that anything different is very uncomfortable. Even now sitting as I always do seems extremely comfortable. The simplicity of my days is unreal now and vastly different than those precious weekends that came and went so quickly while I was still working. I used to hold those days so dearly that it was difficult to imagine any other time in comparison. Now? This takes the cake... The current period. My entire existence has been turned on its ear and I am embracing it.


I see the female actors on this show every morning. Some are gorgeous, others average, and still more are hideous, but they all play it very well. I believe when watching this show all the way through the first time I was a bit ga ga over Elizabeth. Seeing her again stirred that memory and I may have wanted to jump her years ago. I do not feel that way now. She is unique, that's all. Like Sara. Beautiful. But no desire. All of a sudden I yearned for the reporter, but nothing for Elizabeth. Why does this operate in such fashion? Am I not made to understand? Why does Sara move me differently now?

Jaime does not bring up those feelings. Not at all, even with her facial structure seemingly mimicking Cristin pictured days ago. I have always found that type of face super cute for whatever reason. There was a girl in a Downy commercial who is an example of what I speak, as well as one of the actors who stars in a show I am currently following. Did I desire her? Nope. Just cute. Jaime is stunning, and with only half her face showing I can only imagine what I may feel upon learning of the rest. She is so beautiful in that image that I cannot understand any longer. No desire.

I have moved away from the mansions, robots, and control for the most part. None were leading anywhere and I became tired of going over the same words day in and day out. Fuck it. That crap may return, I don't know. Once again I am losing direction and focus here.

The sun is shining again just after seven. Today will be bright and warm which is good for working around the house and garage. Perhaps I will even get some things done if I can get my brain to stop analyzing all this shit for a while. I am having more difficulty with the dream of Jaime, the faces I keep seeing, and the out-of-left-field physical draw that comes and goes on a whim. I need to try to separate these things and work on one at time until two or more meld together. Hopefully everything will leave me in peace and allow for some clear thinking. One would think that with all this time alone I could seek and find some answers. After weeks and weeks all I seem to be seeking is her. Jaime interrupts my mind all the time and I don't mind. She is allowed to cause all the trouble in the world and not one unpleasant thought will birth. Nothing. I love her, and she is the one exemption in my life. Way off my rocker and I don't care.

As I was saying, the garage awaits for when I am finished with the peaceful morning routine. Eventually I can transition outside and think about that crap. And again I fail to understand the goo goo over Anna. I never felt that way. Soon there will be another that I remember from this season -- a short-lived role -- and that will be completely different. The other end of the scale, as it were. Back to today. No driving, very few responsibilities, and plenty of time to myself. I can work within the projects and garage at the same time. The main subject? Desire. I mentioned it a few times already but hesitate to get into the meat of that issue. It's tough, and I fear describing too much. [This brings up another facet that will be outlined below.] Everything prior to the 'E' period has been very unclear. Since discovering and gushing over the goddess of the universe, I feel differently about ambiguity. More has been thrown to the screen but I am not terribly worried. The space is still mine and can be fucked with as much as I may wish, should the need arise. For now, I will get into it a little and see where we end up.

The desire may be ruling me. It might govern the manner in which I interact with others and my daily feelings toward any given female. My writing, working around the house, drives north and south... Everything. Ruling my life from a vantage point over which I do not believe I have control. There is that word again. Honestly, I hold control over very little, mostly just this slice of suburbia. This is my own realm, and throughout the past months has become extremely important. I need it, just as I need her. The desire is almost a daily feeling now and I must go further. I think of Jaime and what she might see when looking at me. I cannot have that become a negative, but I must get into it. Ruling me. Is it? Perhaps. When I consider the ill-fated project in which I tried to fulfill the need to understand the mechanics of beauty, the idea that it led me to the Raven, and then toward years of torment over not realizing any outcome or outlet, the fact may be that desire drove some of it. Upon seeing some unreal forms around the state (and the state next door with its never-ending slew of shapely and gorgeous women), the feeling was always that of loss, as if I missed out on something when they disappeared from view. I never interpreted any of those feelings as physical need or desire, but maybe I should have put them in similar terms. Yes, the original drive was to measure and create a system for revealing why they looked the way they did, but how could I have ever done that without the situation moving into sexual territory? I was very near the Raven as she stood in nothing more than the tiniest black thong and allowed me to stare as long as I wished. She remained still, feet together, with a bottle of wine in one hand and her other on my forehead. I looked up to see her uneven breasts pushing up and outward, and those huge, dark eyes looking down at me with more desire than I could possibly imagine. Did I want her all over me? Holy Jesus fuck yes, at every fucking second. And she wished to jump me as strongly. She was one of very few (the others being Michelle and Andrea) to allow me what I needed to see, and extremely close. Now the question, after all this time has passed, would it be possible for me to be in a similar position with a gorgeously shaped woman and feel nothing? I have no fucking idea, but the answer would seem to be no. Perhaps my failing to get that research off the ground was a godsend. Just imagine the person who has written all of this over the course of years with a stunning woman standing there in lingerie (or, God forbid less, like the Raven), and allowing a tape run all over her skin. I am beginning to believe that the desire would have been sparked, burned out of control, and then the issue would have driven me insane. Afterward, the likelihood of me trying again seems nil. As I sit here now, I honestly think the desire to swallow her would become unavoidable. The situation with Michelle was one of love and caring, Andrea even more of that due to our prolonged contact, and the Raven? Holy crap. I loved her like no one in the world (still do) and was a microsecond away from diving into her for all I was worth.

Now, move along to the avocado pants. While it is true that I was searching for Jaime out of the worst sense of desperation imaginable, the fact remains that the tall beauty being placed before me and available for study would have driven me insane. From across the fucking parking lot I wanted her badly (as above, still do). Just think of her half nude and in private. I would have run away out of the desire to free her from my deviant sense of everything. I cannot expose a woman to that shit. The process would halt as quickly as my head snapped to see her long legs. This entire line of thinking is completely fucked up.

Jaime is the exemption.

Even the woman that I knew from the bar... Her beautiful hands were close to being made available for me to photograph, draw, and measure. She is gorgeous, head to toe. Big eyes, sculptured face like Katie plus an inch taller, and a slight build with very prominent breasts. Was I attracted to her? You bet your ass I was, and in private? All of my strength would have been required in resisting the urge to expand the moment from her hands to other ideas. I thought of it just standing next to her months before I ever grew the visions regarding her hands. In short, and to be completely clear, I wanted her all over me and in every way. I just could not help it. And now the worst fucking question has arisen, but here we go...

Has my subconscious been suppressing the desire to devour all these women? Chew on that. I am.

If this is true, I am fucked. The very idea means that my intentions may have changed given the correct set of circumstances. Frightening, yet at this point the problem is stark. It is glaring at me. And further, how in the fuck do I move forward from such a damaging and disparaging realization?

I moved into the new office a little while ago and began planning some reorganization. Beer, music, and lots of ideas on a different way to display my imagery and move some things around so that the space is easier to navigate. Long-term storage of some items is necessary and I have found a way to improve upon what has already been done in the past. Well, that went south as my head dropped back into this. Now I am sitting in front of the infernal machine and going strong with what may be the worst entry ever.

The goddess of the universe remains exempt. Maybe because I love her. But I love the Raven, too. Keep reading.


Years ago I wrote and published an essay outlining in some detail of my first meeting with the Raven. We met at the restaurant for hours and I was left with a head full of Her beautiful mind and everything attached. To be honest, much had been left out for fear of coming across in a similar manner to what has appeared above. We moved to a lounge table and sat on the sofa, very close. The conversation went all over a variety of subjects, not the least of which was how our lives were very unfulfilling and the reasoning behind how that may have happened over a long period of time. We sat up against each other and the feeling was one of warmth and understanding, along with my becoming overheated being right there next to a fucking dream unlike any other. Hours.

The lounge patrons were sparse and represented the older crowd which frequented that ancient restaurant on a daily basis. Light conversation with each other and the staff was all that had been apparent. A bit further into our meeting and my condition of trying to listen without gushing, the Raven quieted and perused the room with Her big, beautiful eyes, and then grabbed my face and kissed me as if the fucking sky was falling. I could not breathe for moments, nor could I believe that She attacked me in the most sensual manner. I did not push Her away. I could not. Paralyzed by the most passionate, beautiful woman in existence and Her soft lips all over mine. That lasted a very long time and left me in more pain than I had experienced with either Ashley or Andrea. The only other time that I nearly doubled over from the heat was the lovely Rachel so many years earlier. The Raven asked of why my mood had fallen so I told Her the subject would be one requiring private and protracted discussion. Half-drunk and out of my mind, we exited the lounge and sat in my car for another hour as I laid out my past. Crying, clinging to my hand, She listened. Soon after, we parted and I drove home reeling like never before and so full of desire that I could barely navigate the highway. That woman took me away from the universe and set in motion a series of events that would soon cause so much turmoil that it nearly cost me my very life.

'River of Deceit' just began over the big garage stereo system. How appropriate. Ugh.

I do not know what to think at this point. Have I become something I despise? Or have I held myself up enough to be a risen individual? I am going to head inside and take care of the daily tasks before I fall further.

To be continued.

And the work is finished, for the most part. Let the wrestling resume.

I do not wish to go forward with this for too long. The idea may hurt more than it helps, although written exploration is a catharsis either way. The incident with the Raven took place because both of us were lacking somehow. Her life had been difficult and littered with the idea of 'perfection', and that took Her away from others in many ways. She felt empty. The parts of me that had been waning seemed to match Hers, so we connected deeply, and very quickly. I nearly threw myself at that woman and She may have welcomed it. After several months and many damaging behaviors on both our parts, She went away. I have stated before that had our relationship gone on much longer, it likely would have destroyed more than just the two of us. The desire was a part of that. The Raven and our time together is but one example of how the desire could have been -- could be, that is -- ruling my actions and a good portion of my feelings. The walnut commercial came about and I viewed that girl as aligned with my visions. Soon after, the dream involving her as well as the two beautiful girls at the pool in Vegas slammed the desire into my head, and that had been something further away prior to that fateful morning. And then the reporter and the avocado pants. What I am trying to work out is if that desire was below the surface when seeing all those forms in the city and beyond. I may never be able to see the difference in that strongest of needs to attack the tall woman from the other morning and the fact that I love a woman and do not feel such physical desire for her. I just want to see her, know her, hear her voice, and love her. And she is so beautiful that the pull upon my senses is very heavy. I cannot understand from where she came. Others now look radically different than she, for whatever reason. If I do not learn of why the need to be with others has gripped me so, I may have to cease the exploration. I know what I feel for Jaime, but I do not know how it happened.

In the new office again. I put Emily back on the wall and moved some things around for a better space. Now that she once again graces the back of the garage, I can look ahead to displaying some of the more provocative images in other places. The materials are en route for installing newer and better colored lighting to dramatize everything after dark. Once completed to my satisfaction (I am hoping by the fourth of July), I can move on to other projects. A few of those are in the house, and others sit in the attic and await less sunshine. A glance to the temperature monitors tells me that even with the breeze pleasantly cooling down here, the mercury up there is between ninety and one hundred (sixty-six degrees where I am currently sitting). Unacceptable for working. The fan in the living room is waiting for power, the new filter box sits up there waiting to be added to the cold air return for the furnace, and my big ventilation system is also idle. Too warm for crawling around the attic these days. Fall may be the time. I must schedule work according to the weather patterns and ever-changing jetstream. Tomorrow my regular weekday routine returns and that means I can think and plan without distraction. I am looking forward to the day and some peaceful quiet while alone.

Ray Alder is ruling the atmosphere.

Part of me is thinking that the issue of ongoing and haphazard desire may have better been left alone. There will simply be no understanding there. On the one hand is the Raven, and She was right there up against me much of the time. Desire for Her was immediate upon being close. I could not help it. But thinking of the others, like the walnuts or avocado pants, is a different matter entirely. No contact, knowledge, nothing. I do not get it. They are both very attractive -- one older and one frightfully young -- and I believe anyone seeing would feel the same about looks. The pants... She was right across the parking lot twice in a few days and I immediately became enamored with her stance and gait, shortly thereafter wishing I was her underwear. What the fuck is that? Me? I have not felt such a thing in years upon glancing. I am very much older than when I saw the woman in the dealership and very different of mind. Very fucking different, to be sure. Back then I was rarely so attracted to anyone. The issue was very subjective, just as now, but on the other side of the planet from the manner in which I currently think. I am at a loss, completely.

Where now? Jaime? Robots? So fucked up.

I wish she was next to me right now. I could hold her, look into those eyes and confide. I need it, and I need her to be near. The reality of Jaime being so far away in both space and time is cutting me in half. I am actually sitting here wishing for the comfort and simplicity of her long arms around me. Just as when I returned from the kitten and her loving manner, meeting Natalie and wrapping myself around her, Jaime is there... Somewhere, with her arms absent from my painful yearning. I am so deep into dreams of her now that everyday life is lacking. Sorely lacking. I keep going through the motions in hopes that one day in the future I will have the ability to see those eyes and telegraph my love into them. Call me what you will. I need her.

Jogger. Ponytail bouncing. Stretch pants. I am fucked.


I am now thinking that putting the girls back up was a mistake. Did I mention fucked up? I don't know.

Yet another day. This is the weekend now, which means I may be able to work on organizing a little more than two days ago. Right now, vampires, werewolves and coffee. Heh. I am not feeling like laughing this morning. In the last entry I mentioned the forest, and again above. I also said it will be left out for a while, but I must add that the feeling is one of worry much of the time. Usually at the outset of said feeling, I begin to isolate and consider escape more than during an average week. I have not been thinking in those terms. Something is different. Time will illuminate the differences between my past attempts to pull off such a change and the current state of mind. Until I find some clarity, that's all I have.

The day. Some time to myself which means I can carry over what went on yesterday for a little while before heading out into the new office. I have much to consider at this point.

Good fucking God, there is Evan once more. I have not seen her for some time. Remember the essay? Never mind.

I just went through holy hell trying to capture frames from 'City Slickers' due to how much Walker resembles Andrea. And I must say, after seeing her speak for mere seconds in the film, the lower half of her face looks like what I imagine Jaime to be. Damn it, I cannot seem to grab a decent frame because the scene goes by so fucking fast. The funny thing is that I have seen the film many, many times in nearly thirty years since its release, and the episode of Star Trek was shot less than half a year after. She was right there in the living room scene the whole time. Hair down, silly expressions, and absolutely stunning beyond description. The images are not terribly clear even after adjusting the exposure, and her face will not quiet even for a second so I can grab a frame and display her here. Damn it anyway. Suffice to say, she does make me think of the duchess due to the area around her mouth and the way her cheeks seem to be a bit puffed over a more slender face, like Jamie or Katie. I absolutely love it, and that trait is part of the reason why I could not keep my fucking eyes off of Andrea during the first flight. I stared and stared, and look how that turned out. Heh. Now I am seeing Jaime in both of those women due to them resembling each other, and the idea which pushed me to feel so much for her and pull up the camera in the first place. It was her face (as I have said many times now). After watching the film again, I needed to know who played the part due to curiosity about her height, and upon learning of the answer, my head is filling with the idea that I may indeed have a 'type', and one far beyond the typical descriptors. I have made a connection here, good or bad as it may be, and must work on studying as much as I can. Maybe I was seeing Walker in the courtyard. Hmm... Not likely. She is an actor and more, would have been eighteen years older than when the media was produced, plus the possibility is just not something I can entertain right now. I may be crazy and desperate, but I am still pretty intelligent.

Ok, vampires off.

What a thought. Just the other day I had the movie on to avoid commercials and there was this seemingly-tall goddess hanging on Bruno's arm. Holy shit did she ever look beautiful. I did not put things together until adjusting the image from Star Trek and realizing that her face carries those traits I adore. Getting into the why would be futile. Beauty is completely subjective, but needless to say I am enthralled now. Could that be Jaime's face? Close? Maybe? I don't know. Dreaming. Deeply.

I have the house to myself now, which means soon I am going to put on the show and work on my usual chores. Katie Lee is on the screen with her cute, nasally voice and flowing hair. Gawd she is adorable sometimes. Annoying, yet still super gorgeous. A bit more exposition and exploration and then I must kick into the routine and carry out the plans I formed yesterday. My cocoon is shorter in duration and I do not need to drive today. On a Saturday I generally move projects along some and today will be no different.

Well then, coffee is done. I moved into the new office and stirred things up a bit by relocating parts cabinets so I could hang another poster. I suppose it looks good, but the fact that three of my wall hangings were printed upon cloth makes it a bit odd. There are slight wrinkles which may or may not smooth out given time. The woman in the image reminds me of staring at Andrea's body day in and day out. Geez. I suppose I will leave it as is for a while and see what develops. There goes that lady walking her little chow. So cute. All of my crap arrived for the colored lighting but I am not even slightly motivated to work on it. I have to run cable all over the garage and set boxes, then install receptacles and find lighting locations. Ugh. Not today. My mind is full of the issue above (desire) and Jaime is floating within which means I can barely concentrate enough to form words. The arrival of the weekend means garbage tomorrow, maybe some more work out here, and a longer morning before I hop to it. One of my friends will be coming by at some point to pick up a pork loin for smoking, but other than that I am happy to be alone. I need the time and space to do what I need, including more of this. The ass above my work bench is hardly a distraction at all. The image is provocative, yet still tasteful and full of color.

I certainly hope this problem of me feeling so strongly about being physical with some of these women passes. It may be a short-term infatuation, possibly something deeper, but either way the dreams are still swirling... Especially the avocado pants. That has been days now. I wish I knew why. Considering my love for Jaime, I figured most others would melt away but it is not happening as of yet. This worries me, as if something changed inside over which I have no control. Perhaps I need to explore more deeply and see if there are aspects or memories which help to illuminate my desire. The duchess remains exempt for whatever reason. Again... Love versus lust. I do not like the sound of that. Wow, so peaceful out here. A little music in the background, cold beer, and my brain makes for a very comfortable combination. I cannot overstate the importance of my time alone. Day after day I have many hours here by myself and embrace it as if the sky will fall tomorrow. Already this morning I have completed the daily tasks inside, the laundry was finished yesterday, and that means I can work within my head for a long while and enjoy the solitude. I may still jump off this barstool and run some MC. Still not sure. I do like to see the work bench clear of clutter and to install some parts of the lighting system would mean getting these items off the wood and up in the air where they should be. The big poster on the back of the chimney already has its own lighting strips, so I just need to run power from the WiFi switch above my head and place an outlet near the girls. Another will go above Emily and Alexis, a third bulb projecting back to the other Emily and the raceway girls, and then one more to light up the bar banner and gunfire sign. All in all it does not represent much work, but I have to get off my ass and do it. Considering the massive amount of work I have completed in this space, the truth is the lighting upgrade is a simple affair. I might get to it. I also may just sit here and drink while dreaming of gazing into Jaime's eyes and telling her of my feelings. Fuck. Whatever.

Another topic sentence derailed by my skewed sense of direction.

The problem. Well, I have no ideas now, and if the truth is that I really have been suppressing this for years, I feel that there can be no resolution. Too much time has passed and cemented my feelings for the obsession and that will likely never go away. Even while in the midst of passion with the angel or even the Raven, thoughts crept in and left me questioning everything. How in the fuck does something like that happen? I spied Ashley the doll from across the casino, stared as she approached and dreamed of making her my personal, nude dessert, but that took place at a time when my self-esteem and self-worth were at an all-time low. Lately -- and mostly since the outset of the pandemic -- I have been experiencing the opposite. I feel good about myself, have been embracing the qualities that I know I possess, yet still the issue of needing to pounce rears its head and sends me off the rails. Years have seen me berating myself and my mistakes and bad decisions in life, forcing and leveraging others until they have no ground upon which to stand, and then running out of control in random directions. That has passed, for the most part, and I am far above where I stood even a few months ago. So, does that have something to do with me needing to physically devour the walnut girl and the avocado pants? I feel better about myself so all of a sudden I want them? I am not a psychiatrist by any means, but there could be a correlation. If so, it escapes me.

Some people walked up my neighbor's driveway to say hello and the massive poster of two adult video actresses is on full display. Yikes. A little funny. Do not approach. Heh.


I honestly do not know from where this originated. If the walnut dream was truly the catalyst, I have no clue as to why that young woman invaded my sleep and caused me to want her. The camera angle for mere seconds at the beginning of the commercial shows off her features beautifully, but at no time in seeing it on the television, watching over and over on the Internet, or gazing at the still images of her did I think in those terms. I was admiring structure, form, numbers all over her. Plus, the idea of first capturing the video was to hopefully study a little and see if she was similar to others that stirred me. Days passed and all was fine. And then the dream, the thongs in Vegas, the whole shitaree hammered desire into me and it is still fucking there. If you have insight, by all means send me a fucking email.

Jaime? Still not there. She is controlling my actions and deep inside my sensitive heart, but I do not feel for her that way. I just want to speak with her and look into those windows of beauty. God help me for thinking this way and loving a woman from afar. Speaking of the duchess, we are rapidly approaching five thousand lines of code dedicated to her, the desire, and everything in between. I might be completely out of control with this shit. Or was. Or something. Fuck, I don't know anymore. Help me understand, please.

I just do not know what to think. The desire is causing problems that I had not previously imagined, and to add that on top of the fucking obsession and everything else in my head is just not good. I don't want to implode again like I did in eleven. The main difference is how I feel about myself, but still... Something like that may be on the horizon and could destroy not only me but relationships that have been built throughout years. And I cannot run anymore. The resources are not there. Not in the fucking least. Oh, believe me there are days when I am ready to pack the nice clothes and haul ass the hell out of here for a while. That has been happening for nearly two decades. The dash. Remember? How many fucking times did a situation push me into feeling that there are no other options and forced me into the arms of a loving woman? Ugh, too many. And a fortune tossed to the wind in search of them. As nice as escape sounds at times, there is no possibility of anything like that now. And believe me when I say I could use such a trip immediately. Some clothes, this machine, and my phone. Arms. Eyes. Booze. Food. Extravagance up the ass. Yep. Not even close. Fuck me.

I have been out here a while now, which means shortly I will return to the cozy indoors and chip away at my little organization with the show following along. I so enjoy having my friends keeping me company in the background. More on that later. I do have some possessions to go through, one closet which has needed attention for a very long time and will result in more space. That, in turn, means another closet may be addressed and in the long run easier to navigate when we reach for daily items. The garage needs to be closed for the day, anyway. Cool breeze is turning into cold wind.

I keep going back two entries and staring at Walker when she was on Star Trek. I mentioned the girl in the Downy commercial, the fact that one of the actors on my nightly show resembles them, and I keep seeing Andrea looking at one of the bartenders in the Venetian from that same angle and sitting right next to me. The trait is there in spades, rare as hell, and the idea that Jaime's face appears to carry said trait is beginning to blow holes in my head. If this is true, I am going to be more ga ga than ever. Another point from 'Exception' is my ongoing mention of keeping others away. Well, it's worse than that. I think they are avoiding me. Yes, you read that correctly. We will revisit the subject soon.

Morning again. Coffee, vampires, cats. Heh.

Another day in front of me. Sometimes a good thing and other times not. The morning is always welcomed because I have the time and space for this and clear thinking. When I think of what can be done throughout each day, things come and go. I will have to do my best today in avoiding getting that early cocktail which can rob me of ambition. I also need to take care of the tasks inside before heading out. I don't know if the guy is coming for his motorcycle today or the other guy coming for the pork loin, so my time is kind of up in the air. Like Deanna said... 'I know what I have to do.' Well, things are not dire in such a manner right now, so perhaps that is not completely appropriate. Another line of thinking is my plan to shrink the amount of clutter here and there. I began it last week and continued a little bit yesterday. I suppose that should be my focus after the business is done. I will find the comfort, have the place to myself for a little while, and hopefully by sunset I can feel good about the day. One step at a time, just like those alcoholics.

I am all over the place again. The concentration I once held close is wavering and I rarely get it to stay in mind for any length of time these days. Hence the haphazard paragraphs. I am doing my best, and considering I was already trying to deal with the dreams and robots, walnut sex and thongs, this content is actually pretty organized. None of that robot business has crept in for a while, though. Jaime took over, continues to spin me into a frothy, mushy Slurpee, and everything else melts away pretty quickly. Ever since those three images, well... You know. I will have to push myself this morning after the exposition takes a back seat to the chores. But I will be out there, beer in hand, and taking care of business just as I always do without fail.

All the while, two problems playing 'red light, green light' in my head. Problems that can keep me away from what I need to accomplish. Considering that I am trying to deal with both at once, the situation actually feels pretty fucking positive. I've made it this far without falling on my face. There are a few things that keep me going. Things upon which I can depend, daily. One of them mentioned above is the company I keep whenever alone. There is going to be an entire essay dedicated to the subject, so for now let me say that they are like family at this point. They make me laugh, cry, happy, sad, intrigued, everything. I absolutely love them there in the living room, kitchen, and garage. The feeling of strolling out there and listening to what they have going on is so relaxing and enjoyable that it brings me all the way back to the Midwest and those first huge drawings. I need them there for me as I need to breathe. They have become so important to me that I went to great lengths in modifying the house and garage to facilitate seeing and hearing them at every step. Well, weeks into my new routine and sense of comfort have proven that the effort in keeping myself sane was completely worthwhile. I work, they follow, and my brain relaxes for the most part. The first problem is keeping a positive stance while here after all this time. Some days I cannot even move for several minutes without worry. And then I try to focus and move forward, eventually leading me to calm and believe that I hold some control over stress. The routine cannot change in the foreseeable future or I may lose my way, and that is an opportunity for the worry to creep in and take over. I must think of that almost constantly and fight against it. The best case would be working through my internal issues, rising above enough to go back out into the world, and then finding new routines and other things which can be embraced in order to maintain myself. Time will tell, but for now nothing can be altered or I will not react well.

The other problem is knowing Jaime is out there somewhere. But not here. Not near me. I don't know if I can ever see her again. The likelihood is extremely slender, like her feet. It hurts every day. I keep going, typing, working, searching... And there is no resolution so I focus upon feeling comfortable and secure. I need her. I really do. Over five thousand lines now, however I am still here, still going. The problem of loving her slaps me on and off all day long, every fucking day. As I said... Red light, green light.

So, on to today. As I said, business first once this machine is closed for the morning, and then I will carry on with the organization. My garage has had another influx of things so I need to get them in order and then work out the reconfiguration that began the other day. The lovely image which is now over the bench will probably come down in favor of another. I just don't like the cloth and the way it hangs there. Irritating, to say the least. I have an older poster from Mexico which will look better. The three asses will have to remain rolled for the time being. That may be too much skin for the walls. Garbage, too. I am pretty picky with everything related to recycling and compost. Each week I work to get as much out there as possible for morning pickup. Today will be no different. Aside from daily tasks and the aforementioned organizing, I have much to think about. Jaime, the people who might be avoiding contact with me, and some longer-term plans that must be considered for my continued comfort. As always, by the end of the afternoon and approaching cocktail hour, I am hoping to feel good about what has been accomplished. Taking those nice breaks here and there, too. I cannot completely relax in the evening if I do not feel I've done what I set out to care for on a given day. So far, the coffee is nice and here I sit in the quiet.

I guess I lost track of the desire and Jaime being the only exemption from my ongoing feelings toward a given woman. I have no idea what any of it means, still. Keep trying.

I love her.

She is out there."