06-11-2020 06:05 pdt

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"Same morning, different entry. Where do I go from here? Jaime is still ruling my thoughts and making each step of the day both warm and worrisome. Something has to happen. Or perhaps not. I don't know anymore. After all of this I am at a loss and can only keep gushing about her out of necessity. One certainty has grown out of my exploration, and that is the solid fact that her images will never grace this site again. Only I will see her. No one else deserves it. That is that. Don't ask.

I love her and must keep her to myself.

Eventually I will leave this realm for a while and work on the day's chores. Sunday means many things need to be in order for the coming week, so I will begin as soon as I can let go of this. Everything will be completed -- like always, I never falter -- and then I shall be back in front of whatever the site has become to move along gushing about her and losing myself. 0953 and I am already a mess inside. Splendid.

The necessities are finished and one small project is complete. I rolled outside, opened a beer and grabbed at the power tools until the work was done. And I did all of it just to make more space on the work bench. That is humorous. Sometimes the shit I go through in order to have a clean bench. Anyway, the Sunday work is all taken care of so now I can spend some time right here with thoughts of the woman in my head. Originally I was going to put the girls back up and add the two others. I wasn't feeling it at all this morning, so they have been put off in favor of working inside my head. And here we are. Well, not for long. I lost it. The muse went away. I am finished until tomorrow. All of the words disappeared, I lost my sense of direction, and feel much disappointment in myself. Done here now.

Morning again. Routine soon. For now, coffee, vampires, cats bathing, peaceful.

I tried yesterday. I really did, but nothing came of it. In the morning I finished the temperature readout box and set it up on the shelf. It doesn't look really nice, though. At least the thing works properly. It sat there for a while before I finally gathered all the little parts and then found the motivation to build. In the late afternoon I grabbed the clock again to readjust the hands. I don't remember if I brought it up before, but after replacing the movement, the minute hand came in contact with the hour hand and stopped the motion. So, yesterday I pulled it apart again and aligned everything as best I could. Well then, at precisely 1951 it stopped again because I bent the hour hand too much and it came around the corner and hit the barometer. Lovely. I removed the battery again and it is sitting there displaying the same time the incident occurred. I will have to open it a third time and get everything in order so the hands play nice together. I am getting tired of seeing it stop. The clock is not terribly important and does not represent anything. After seeing it hang there on the wall for years I just want the correct time. Today will have to be the last time I go inside that housing. Later when the morning business is done and my friends are in the background, I intend to get it all straightened out once and for all. After that, I am unsure. The girls, maybe. Some organization, maybe. And I am hoping for lots of this. There is much to say.

'Get the humans.' Love it.

So many different things affected me yesterday. I am not accustomed to being here while not alone, and that after living in this house for eight years as of this week. My routine weekdays are just that... Mine. There is no one here, I speak to the cats as if they are people (better that they are not), and everything is under my control. The outside world becomes shut the fuck out and I take care of business. Work is completed at my pace, my schedule, and without issue. I have been holed up here long enough that without the little world being as I need it, well... I will not react in a positive manner. I need what I need. Remember the robots? Androids? Gynoids? Machines... That is correct, control of the highest order right there. The Asian dream? The Korean woman? That was different because it was a two-way street, out of balance or otherwise. The machine will not give a shit if she is a subordinate. She has no feelings. Mechanical, electronic, gorgeous, and fully controlled by a user. Yes, user. A computer science term. Now take all of that control-related information and translate it to the only aspect of life or the world over which I have any, and you can see the importance of being alone and here. Yesterday I was tripped up by hearing another voice aside from the cats and their silly noises and the result was that I could not relax like usual. Concentration was absent for most of the day so I spun my wheels and then focused upon Sunday chores. After they were completed I sat with this machine and barely conjured a dozen syllables. I need the fucking quiet. Thank Christ today is back to the way which works best for me. My machine, if you will. If only this laptop was a woman. Hmm.

In a little while I will be driving south again. Naturally, my head is spinning a bit over the woman twice in my eyes last week. Will she be there again? I have no idea, but if she is, you will know. The paragraphs dedicated to her appearance and my instinct to pounce are already published. Another will not accomplish anything other than to extend what I have already described. And then there is the Jamie connection. The woman down there is not her, yet still that is the first time I have equated Jaime to a real woman out in the world. So, if I see her again, that feeling will take over. I can't help it. Not a moment passes day or night that I do not have that woman floating in my head. Even sitting here now watching the vampires -- some are highly attractive in an exotic, monstrous, fictional way, and some are nothing at all -- I do not feel anything when I see them. This show encompasses basically every tenet of life that should be kept away from young people for fear of scarring. It's that bad, but for adults that means good. Insane, really. But the point is even with Elizabeth and her gorgeousness splayed all over a big bed, my mind goes straight to Jaime. I make comparisons, like what we might be doing if together, or at least familiar with each other. It's nuts, I know, but who fucking cares anyway? Are you reading this? I'm already past the point of trying to extract her and move on with my life. I have decided to stay in this world and work to keep my head up at a time when three things are working their asses off to push me down. If that woman is present and I see her beautiful walk, I will be dreaming times two. You already know what they are. Details are no longer necessary, even as fucked up as I have become. The drive south is just over an hour away. I look forward to the solace, the discussion, and the arrival for a little break, but moreso the return trip with my music and being solo. The tall one with the pants and ponytail? Regardless of whether I see her or not, I will come back here and relish in my world. Alone. Secure. Comfortable.

My time. Me and her.

The late afternoon yesterday was partially dedicated to another search on this machine and the RAID for more information about that trip. I don't know why the location is so important now, the only idea being my curiosity. I cannot remember shit at this point. No, I am not going to search for her. I'm not that far gone... Yet. I just wish to know more about that place. The lack of knowing is making me nuts. If I can find more images or at least one of some identifying landmark, I will be satisfied. We were there for a reason. I just need to know. If there is nothing to be found, well, I still have the three images. And one other thing about those which could have solved everything... I was using a borrowed camera, as stated previously. Had that camera been my own Nikon, the GPS data would be embedded in the raw images and this would already be solved. Well, I did not have my current camera until years later. And believe me when I drag it out, the GPS is always localizing me. Just in case. Hmm... Maybe I should attach the zoom and bring it later this morning. Funny, but not fucking funny at all. On three occasions I have captured a woman without her knowledge. I cannot do it again for fear of losing myself. The act feels wrong, and the saving throw right now is the love I feel for her. That makes it all worthwhile and I live in a bubble of emotion over her, feeling it almost constantly, falling all over my words trying to get across just what she means to me, and wallowing in not knowing a damned thing about the woman of my dreams. All of that, good and bad, but I would not do it again.

Unless it was her.

Almost time to get ready. Will she be there again? I can only hope, but that woman is not Jaime. Deep inside I know that I do not need to see her again.


The drive was uneventful. No tall beauty at the shopping center and no others of note. That is good, although I was hoping to see her again. I cannot overstate her significance right now. Thoughts of Jamie, the look of her long legs, and the desire which pushed me into very intimate territory. Had that happened again, I would be crafting a very different paragraph right now. Heh.

During the return, I chose to listen to James and his epic, soaring voice during a more than eleven-minute composition which I have loved since the mid-nineties. I cannot begin to describe the nature of 'Learning to Live', but suffice to say that Dream Theater has been well-known for very intricate, technically complex songs that show off the unbelievable talent of each band member. The voice is the key, however. James can bring it all the way down to near whispering, and then seconds later explode with ferocious power and high notes that carry for a long while. The song goes all over the fucking map, from calm melodies all the way to high-speed solos and mind-bending drumming. There is a calm passage toward the conclusion when all that can be heard is John Myung's bass initiating the long and slowly-building ending that approaches an eye-watering melody cemented by keyboards. Before it fades, Petrucci's high hat switches to the deep ride cymbal before exiting with more power than I can put into words. I love it, every damned time. The feeling of hearing such a tune brings me back to the first time I discovered the album. The strangeness of my life now is contrasted well by the different years in which I have played that great song. There it is. It would behoove anyone interested to seek out and embrace said masterpiece. Emotional, technical, beautiful.

The cat is now laying on my arm. I cannot reach the coffee, but at least both hands are on the keyboard.

Now that I am home and nestled into the privacy and comfort of my weekday world, I can focus upon this for a while before the routine of maintaining the house. I found that when I arrive home, there is time for exploration here without worry of taking care of business. The duchess is right here with me. I am bereft of the talent to adequately do her justice. The feelings are there, but I must search for words. Considering all of the space devoted to my love for her, I am not surprised to be at a loss in trying to go further.

I keep thinking of the stunning Cate Blanchett as Galadriel at the beginning of 'Fellowship' when she silkily states that the world is changing. Well, mine has changed. A lot. The differences from just two months ago stare me in the face every day, especially while I am in this cocoon. There is absolutely nothing I do not like about it other than the fact that I have lots of time to think. That can be good or bad as I have control over the routine and atmosphere, but still feel a loss due to the duchess being out there yet unattainable. I cannot remember more details, I have zero knowledge of her, and sitting here week after week gushing about my love for those three images is beginning to go in circles. I quite literally have no options. Out there somewhere, far from me in more ways than one, and my feelings keep growing out of control. I love her and cannot do anything about it, nor can I find balance outside this small space that I have created throughout the course of only weeks. I need her like air. Oh boy, that is a mouthful after creating an essay entitled 'The Air' regarding my uncontrollable desire to be with the Raven. I suppose the analogy is effective, though. I am having trouble moving along my current path and continuing to type, much of the reason being a void of information and my heart expressing the need to be with her. Jaime. I invented a Jaime for the story, linked the two dreams, and now am losing myself in the emotion. The lack of reality these days is both warming and frightening. I have no idea of what my future may hold if I carry on without a switch. There you go, a train reference again. That's been a while.

Earlier I mentioned that being near others was slightly uncomfortable. Now it is downright scary. I do not wish to speak to anyone, nor am I willing to listen to what they may have to say. I feel like I've been recruited into La Cosa Nostra. Oh, never mind. That doesn't exist, remember?

The truth is that I am beginning to feel as I did during the isolation just after returning from weeks with Andrea and days with Natalie. I had the Slipper which meant the world was my driving oyster for all intents and purposes, but after tossing tens of thousands of dollars running around the country with the angel and living on high, my resources were waning severely. The isolation followed and forced me to turn inward more than I had thought possible. Even with Andrea next to me in all those very public and crowded places, we still felt as if the others did not exist. Our little world. I feel that way now except the dream I wish to be on my arm is unavailable and that is pushing me down. I need her to pass into memory again or I may not recover from this situation. Places are beginning to open slowly -- I noticed all of the beach parking was again available three days ago while driving south -- and that is likely a very bad decision. The fact remains that there is still no control or containment either present or possible at this point in time, and that also keeps me here, alone. I have to stay away from everyone and everything as best I can. Sum all of it and you can see that my isolation is now more important than what I went through years ago. That was caused by something completely different and has been described here in excruciating detail. I will not go into it again. Suffice to say I am not going anywhere soon. I have to stay here, away from the other world, and continue to learn of why Jaime is holding me with more control than just days ago. Hmm, control. If I could express what that means to me I would be a much better person than this unshaven pile on the loveseat. Go ahead and laugh. Might as well.

One aspect of the way I feel since dreaming of the walnut cutie all over me like a cheap suit is the idea that I cannot predict desire in any form. I fail to understand how more than six months after seeing two of the most picturesque women imaginable I was pulled into dreaming of sex. Why did that not take place while I stared at the younger of the two with her knees up and paired? Did I not see enough of her skin? The walnut girl is young, too. Am I going to turn into one of those older, lustful piles of shit that I despise? I can't see that happening. I am simply trying to ascertain why the walnut girl changed my thinking to such a degree that just a few days ago I would have died to slather myself all over a complete stranger. The feeling is not good. I know myself after all these years, and that is not me. The desire has taken place that quickly on very few occasions, and typically while in the presence of whomever I was seeing. Now? Dreams drove me to wish for what I described at the end of the previous entry. I realize that the detail of that statement was probably a bit much, but I needed to get the point across sharply.

Four thousand lines since ceasing the fiction. Just look at all of this. Unbelievable.

Okay, I have been home for several hours and my next drive is hours away. I took care of the daily chores, did a few extra items and had something to eat. Back to this. During my time working in the kitchen I was listening to the show and it brought some thoughts of the past. I tried to calculate how long ago the show began to keep me company. According to what I can recall, the comfort grew from when I first gathered laserdiscs of episodes when I lived in Dublin. Before that, and while in the Midwest, I had tapes of said show and watched them as I created the drawings during the first summer. Back then, the characters were not as familiar to me, nor was the dialog. As much as I watched at that time, the reality is that I was not geared toward the ability to follow along with no video until living in the cave many years later. During the beginning of the space era the discs kept me company often as they represented many episodes I had actually missed during its first run. I watched, wide-eyed, but the feeling was not as it is now. The stories and the manner in which they played out was more important than the show following as I performed my daily activities. Cut to Dublin, and those discs were played often enough to leave my player on the side of the road with a technical error. Having had it repaired once before at a moderate cost, and seeing as the next (disruptive) technology had been taking over the home media market, I eventually abandoned the big discs in favor of streaming the show. All at once I could watch anytime with a minimum of effort. The laser player went away completely. That really broke my heart, but that is another story for a different time. The ability to stream the show carried me through Livermore and into the cave by the ocean. By that point in time, I knew it backward and forward, so following each episode no longer required my full attention. They began to become a way of life and a dream I would soon explore deeply. Said dream will be the subject of another entry in the future.

Cut to now.


I know them well enough to fill in lines which may be missed as I move from the house and into the garage, where the sound of the action follows me. I set up a television in the kitchen which has turned out to be one of the best modifications imaginable. I used to work in the kitchen with headphones and music. I needed to abandon that habit to save my hearing. Years of carrying wireless music with me have damaged my ears. Yes, I know. Don't say it. Whenever I wished to listen to the television, the volume in the living room had to be overbearing in order for me to hear it, so the television appeared hanging on the back wall of the kitchen. Above the sink is a large, mirrored back splash which allows me to see the image no matter which direction I am facing. Away went the headphones and my enjoyment and company which previously only resided in the living room now goes to the kitchen. In addition, the audio has been piped to the garage over my large system there and that means I miss nothing. There is no video out there as of yet, however the subject being my familiarity with the show demonstrates how much I need to hear it no matter what I might be doing.

As a devout nonconformist, I do miss the laserdisc player but will refrain from going into another angry tirade about the nature of the film industry, home media, and the sheep who are led to follow the latest technology no matter its real value. Don't get me started on the digital versatile disc as a medium for entertainment. That's right... The 'V' never stood for 'video'. Never mind.

The company cannot be overstated. I love it and have for decades. These days I spend half my time backtalking the characters out of humor. I enjoy it, nothing more. They are like my family at this point. The subject came to mind this morning as I carried on a conversation with my sleeping cats over pausing the playback from time to time so I did not miss anything. One show is not like another. I only know one series as well as I have described. The others came and went in the past without my full attention because I loved one more than the others. Now, I am trying to recapture what I missed throughout years.

What the fuck does this have to do with anything, you ask? All of it is related. My comfort while here is guided by several aspects of home, not the least of which is television. Jaime is right there with me but that situation is causing as much turmoil as it does joy. And Jesus fuck is B'Elanna adorable. That's right, I am watching Voyager. Now you know. Heh.

Anyway, I need it all to be in line with what my head dictates on a daily basis. Up the page a ways I revealed that being alone is my best time, especially on a weekday. I have to be able to work around the house as well as within myself, and that means alone. They operate as one these days. Fuck me, such a tough feeling to describe. Others would likely think that such a life is strange, but I can assure you of two things: One, I have no intention of associating with them anymore, making it a moot point, and two, I feel that after all which has taken place over more than two months, this is truly the only way I can survive. I am so deeply embedded within the manner in which I move about each day that to veer from it could be crippling. That includes the show playing above me right now. I work around the house, venture out to the garage for one reason or another, and all the while I am comfortable, cocooned within my head and this house, and continuously pushing the rest of the world away one step at a time. Considering all of the intervening years between first seeing the show as it ran prime time and now, this entertainment has become one facet of the world in which I am currently the only resident. Just me.

Well... Me and her. That goes without saying. Have I expressed it enough?

I love her.

I suppose going on a long adventure covering decades and trying to explain the way I feel about being here was bound to happen. Each day cements me into this world a bit more. Not only am I frightened of it changing, but I plan to resist any alterations, the idea being to survive. The media, those that used to be around me, the routine, and the goddess out there somewhere combine to leave me in very small space. I dream about her, go about my activities with friends in the background, and think constantly. I have to remain here.

Ah... Carolyn Seymour, God bless her.

Shortly I will be dropping into the car for my ride south again. Arriving home defines the beginning of the evening along with whatever may be on the agenda. For myself, that means curling up for a while here and there, dinner prep, and cocktails. A show on the television and then sleep. Right now I am focused upon the ride and my musical selection as I watch the ocean to the right of the highway. The drive has now become one more of those facets. I need it, I need to see the familiar sights along the way, and I need the music to keep me company as the delineators fly by. This afternoon at home will be coming to a close and then give way to the evening which is not entirely my own. Until the morning coffee and vampires, I have to keep the thinking close and remind myself of anything noteworthy when I boot this machine early tomorrow. I will take notes, dream of Jaime, and plan out moves accordingly. At this moment I am deciding upon music. Will it be the songs that affect me? Will it be something else causing dreams of her face? Or perhaps other choices? I do not know. I wish I could ask the duchess of her selections.

I am going in circles again. Confusion is always apparent.

The drives bookend my day. Early morning is very nice, albeit short. The evening is equally nice but for vastly different reasons. In between is the day that I need. Today, for example, I had a few things to do aside from the usual. I rebuilt the fucking clock again (after yesterday's blunder) and so far the hands are not interfering with each other. A bit of work around the house, sitting with this machine and gushing, and then back down the highway.

The drive was uneventful. The tall beauty was not there, however I was at the shopping center earlier than most days. She might be there right now, bless her gorgeousness. Now that I am here inside my little world, the day can take shape. Lately I have been sitting and recording thoughts before getting into my routine. Today is no different. I had to proofread two entries, publish one, and now I can continue with the endless analysis. Jaime is floating within, as always.

I just created another web form that will follow along later. The idea of all these entries did not begin with the intention of carrying so many titles beginning with 'E'. I simply began to explore the dreams and robots and subsequent points formed thereafter. And then I began to attempt description of my daily activities and the manner in which the dreams follow me, partially dictate my actions, and affect me in other ways. At no time did I know Jaime would intervene and take over so much of this content. In the beginning was a different Jaime, the one I created out of the never-ending dream of control. Options. Moods. Needs. Fulfillment, even from something artificial. I went around the world with her and the reasoning behind the genesis of the idea, along with the films which had such a severe impact on me. The dream continued to expand and force me to realize that the impossibility was beginning to hurt me and shaped the future into a black hole of unknowns. And then more exploration of how those facts affected me. I was going strong with the subject -- hurtful as it was -- before delving into the archives of images which led me to her. All I did was peruse a few folders in search of something to display as the entries pushed forward and ran across the goddess of the universe. That was the end of one subject and beginning of another. Well, such a slam has not left me a well-rounded and hopeful individual. Searching, yearning, empty. Bereft of hope. As difficult as remembering her and seeing the beauty has become, I must keep going. Expect more of the letter 'E'.


Just before the drive south this morning, something happened that I had not imagined. For weeks I watched the morning news here and there (you've read comments on the reporters as I always watch the same channel), after some time deciding to reduce the amount of news due to so much of it being downtrodden. Every now and then would be a shitload of beauty captured by the various cameras -- most of the reporters are still working from home -- and the subsequent fall with each viewing. Sara, the brunette with one of the longest, most exaggerated faces in memory, and Allie, with her doe eyes and bright expressions. I have mentioned both of them before. I have even gone so far as to use my phone to shoot images of the television. [And along those lines, Allie needs a better camera. Sara's broadcast is crystal-clear. Allie deserves better.] Yes, I really did that in order to see them whenever I wished, mostly Sara. The dark hair always grabs me. So, what took place today? I saw a segment about something or other and when the video closed, there was Sara sitting in her house and looking stunning, as always. I stared for the few seconds she was on the screen, and then felt an overpowering need to jump her shit. Immediately. I am still thrown by the feeling. I don't get it. Two-plus months have passed since watching that morning show on and off, I have appreciated her unique appearance every time she is there, but for whatever reason I wanted her very badly just this morning. I still feel it.

God damn B'Elanna is gorgeous. I don't know if I felt that way when this first aired, but something is slowly unraveling inside me and leading these feelings. The origin of such strong desire eludes me and is beginning to become frustrating. That does relate to something else but I am hesitant in describing it right now. Perhaps I will later. Suffice to say, I do not want to devour Roxann... Only Sara. 'Strange' is the understatement of the month. Hmm... The something else to which I just referred is going to be an 'E' essay. I do not know how soon, but count on it. And expect it to be very bad.

Sara. She is a person, a reporter. I cannot refer to her as a pretty face because that is but one aspect. All those mornings watching the broadcast here and there mean I have seen her many times. I always make it a point to watch so I can see her face. Describing the reasoning why I call her unique would be futile for two reasons: Everyone is different, and beauty is subjective. So, I just mention the fact that I see her and like her very much on the screen, and that is that. What took place this morning was unexpected to say the least. And now all of a sudden my heart rate has risen and I am uncomfortable. This has nothing to do with desire, Sara, or anyone else. It came out of nowhere just after I began this paragraph. I may have to lie down for a while. The time for driving is less than two hours away.

So... Better. And my drive has been completed. I am looking forward to the cocoon returning in the morning, and for now, onward. More in my head than before I hit the road to see tons of people, no masks, on the beaches. Ugh. And while out, I received an alert that the county is under curfew tonight and tomorrow night. Wow.

I don't understand the sudden desire. This morning it was very strong and has since faded, but the damage is done. I have to think about it now, and like the walnut crap and associated skin in Vegas, this woman is unavailable. Honestly, that does not matter because my interest lies elsewhere, but still... I do not need any more complications stirring my mind right now. There is enough going on between the current health situation, insane protesting all over the country, my love for a woman who is effectively gone from my life, and the new routine that has shaped me very differently from just months ago. That routine is deepening, as is the duchess. Piling more on top of all that is just not going to help me. I thought about this huge mixing bowl of issues in the car all the way down and back. And thank the maker I saw nothing of note while out among the sun and sand. One person stood out, holding her own peaceful protest with a sign. I did see a few males, however, and that fact is working on my head now. Issue two disappeared some days ago, perhaps due to Jaime, or possibly my head relaxing about it. I'm not sure, but seeing them on the side of the highway does not help me at all. I need to be alone. The drive is under my control, and as difficult as things are right now, I still look around at the world because it is there. People are enjoying themselves and it is good to see. I do not believe the lifting of some restrictions is a good idea yet, but that is not up to me. I just hope there is not a flare. As for the males, well... The issue may have been temporarily suppressed for one reason or another. I can deal with it in the short term.

Sitting here now in the mild temperature with my computer and cocktail is very relaxing. This is unusual lately, too. I normally put aside the machine in the late afternoon in favor of taking care of little things or dinner preparations, but today I have the time to think about everything and hopefully get it here before I lose it. This is the twelfth entry beginning with an 'E'. Let's think about that for a moment. Twelve. In the beginning there were to be just a few, and then 'Expectation' came along filled with my feelings for those three images and that was that. I had to keep going. I originally thought that all the flap regarding Jaime the gynoid was going to carry this into summer, but alas I was tripped up in the worst way imaginable. And I mean tripped until I fell on my face. The duchess is now ruling my words. Everything else which comes along these days and ends up here is related to her in one way or another. I do not understand how I dropped everything and threw myself at her. Like the desire mentioned several times now, Jaime came out of nowhere and I reacted according to the depth of emotion that was driven into my heart. She has become enormous in my life. And there is no desire. Just love. Lots of it. God help me.

So... Desire. This morning was difficult as issue four approached me before heading out the door south. I squashed it, again I felt it later while alone, so I had to push for a second time. That is unusual, even for me. The solution was to toss myself into the daily business along with a creamy drink and the show to keep me company. Well, that worked like a charm. I fell into my precious routine and embraced the isolation to the limit. Very nice, and the dreams of flying into Sara's pants like a deranged pelican went away. That is very good considering my track record thus far. Do not get me started on Ashley. Jesus fuck.

Anyway, all desire aside, I carried on with my stuff nicely and had conversations with the cats. I also tried to keep my head out of the territory that is a conversation with her. I cannot do that or I will end up in the basement talking to pictures on the walls. So far I have been just fine loving her from afar and not heading into less-balanced territory. When the desire hit me this morning I had to work my ass off in keeping away from negative thinking, and thoughts of Jaime helped. I can still be me, but I have to respect her. Always.

With business out of the way, I am very thoughtful. Tomorrow may prove to be a red-letter day for this endeavor as I plan to spend more time exploring this shit and gleaning the other subject that I said was related to the desire. I have to get it out there because otherwise it will eat me from the inside out. The issue is going to be difficult write, much more difficult to read, but in the end may explain more than a few things that have graced this space for years. I realized that Sara became a catalyst of sorts, a push in the direction I needed in order to form the content that will hopefully eventually free this issue once and for all. The confusion over the walnuts and pool goddesses have plagued me for weeks and I have had enough time to analyze and calculate the reasoning behind feeling nothing one moment and then being slammed in the fucking head sometime later. And that slam seemed to be out of my control until I hit myself with some difficult questions. Stay tuned for an even taller order here, very soon... And it will begin with the letter 'E'. I am going to do my best to avoid mentioning names related to the issue of desire. No one needs such information because it transfers from one beauty to another as quickly as I form words out of thin air. Heh. So, no names anymore unless they are a passing interest or related to what I am writing at the time.

I veered from whatever the fucking subject was. Again. Damn.

Briana's expression. She relates to the title in more ways than one. I saw her face on and off all day today. Every time I head out to the garage for a break (with the show audio following me), I pause to say hello to those girls. It has become a habit, and I have to say that I really missed them up there on the chimney while in doubt of whether I should leave all the images up or not. I decided to embrace the imagery on the walls out there and I am glad I did. As I stated before, Jaime would understand. I know it... I can feel it in my heart. My mind may be all fucking out of order, but one thing that retains its certainty through all this shit is my love for her. I believe if she knew me deeply, there would be no issue with the women all over my garage. My feelings for Briana's face are full of appreciation and there is no desire now, nor has there ever been, that line of work notwithstanding. I ordered the huge poster and was surprised at the amount of wall space required in hanging it, decided on a location, and built the thing in an afternoon. And yes, there is the canopy above complete with color-changing LED strips that can be controlled by remote. Oops... Did I say 'control'? Yikes. Can't get into that right now. I need to keep going with this haphazard melange of shit flying off my fingers. Suffice to say, Briana is again where she needs to be, my brain is understanding of the implications of such a large display of skin, yet I know in my heart that the woman of my dreams would be content with the look.

I am going to lose my mind.


So, what did I cover in this mess? Anything? Ah... Fuck it.

The evening is upon me, dinner is roasting in the oven, and I am looking forward to tomorrow even more than I did today. Years ago I went into the idea of appreciating each moment during those times when something wonderful is happening or while in a beautiful locale. I think I mentioned that when describing the feelings within during my time in the Midwest, but I can't remember. Well, this evening has pressed me to realize that I really need to embrace the daytime schedule even more than I already have articulated here. I have to think of every second, make as much of it as I am able, and then lay it out here so I can look back in later years and recapture the feelings. There will never be another time such as this. My love for the duchess, the unique, frightening, and uncertain state of the world, and the idea that I finally have control over my time after years of yearning for more. I used to sit in the mornings and at lunch, phone in hand, and try to cover what I was experiencing throughout a given day. That was tedious, but all I had at the time. Now? I have a shitload of time to explore, expound, and examine each detail of my thinking and collate it here. At the same time, the atmosphere at home is wondrous, still new to me, and unlike any period in recent memory. I must savor this and remember as much as possible. Years from now the importance may be much more than I realize now. Years have passed since I tried to keep experiences within my heart and for the most part they remain, although diminished to some extent. This? The now? I have to hold it close.

Speaking of my heart... I love her. I really do. If she only knew.

Morning again. Quiet, coffee, vampires, cats. I need this time, especially after yesterday. And do not ask about the woman pictured in this entry. She drove me to the forest. I will be further in later. Years have gone by since I felt this way... Dramatic, dire, reckless, and isolated like eleven (almost). The control present these days is being exercised as much as possible. Those parts of the situation over which I have none are very trying, but I can work with them. I am still here day after day and doing my best to maintain everything as it should be, and in between I can relax and think. As of last night, the changes I need to make here are coming to the forefront. The most difficult part of such an operation is being able to concentrate and keep the desire at arm's length. I've done it many times, and even with the misunderstood flaring lately I am hoping to hold some control over it until such time as the feelings diminish. I really need it to ease up on me sometimes. And as difficult as remaining steady and productive can be at times, the initial push just after arriving from the south is key. The forest realization was yesterday and it means that I will be closing myself off further and preparing for the situation of the world to worsen. I hope it doesn't, but still... Preparation. I have not felt the forest for a long time, maybe not even while living where I do. I can't remember clearly. I am not getting this across very well right now. Maybe another cup of coffee.

From another direction, I suppose. The forest is a feeling and one that I cannot fully explain. A couple of the points are isolation and a change in attitude which pushes me away from other people and toward the need to ensure my own security. That means little things here and there, paring down what I have, and watching closely for any clue as to changes in the situation that might affect me. This may sound strange, but honestly it began to concern me last night before sleeping and I have to move along such lines today so I can feel comfortable here. The world is pretty fucked up right now. Aside from this new tidbit of oddity, I also feel that my short bout with anxiety yesterday took place due to my inaction throughout the morning coupled with too much lunch. Go ahead and laugh, I don't care. This means a lot to me and I am trying to understand why things develop the way they do sometimes so that I may guard against it. Expressing the way I feel about the world and my place in this little cocoon is not easy. There is much more inside that I just have not been able to articulate. Jaime is still upending my journey, as well. That came out of nowhere and I am still trying to figure out just how finding her again struck me upside the head. Those two, the forest and the duchess, are the reasoning behind what will take place today. The drive, the return, some of this, and then I will move in the directions needed to feel as if everything is in order and I can look away from the worry and toward her again. I hope I am making some sense here. My penchant for ambiguity is beginning to become ingrained to the point of others needing a deciphering key in order to read some of this content. Well, I'm sorry but I don't care. I have to protect myself and my feelings from others.

The forest. Very interesting right now. I have not felt this for some time, maybe back as far as the early two-thousands. I am not sure. Wherever it started and how doesn't matter. I am driven. And wow did this ever change direction throughout the course of one night of sleep. Do you like it?

Soon I will be on the road south again, afterward the day's activities will begin. My intention is to chip away at some of the things which have sat, but nothing serious. I am looking forward to the solitude. It has become the only time when I can truly flesh things out in my head and work toward goals without distraction. The show in the background, cats asleep most of the day, and my precious time available to do whatever I feel is necessary to carry on day-to-day life along with keeping myself together while embracing the forest. I had a feeling this would eventually happen due to what is going on around the country. My first reaction typically means shutting everyone out and digging in, to use an aphorism. Whatever. Bottom fucking line is there is much for me to work through right now. Cutting myself off from the world is an effective demonstration that either something is very wrong with me or I am not the same person as before the shelter order. When the stress hit me weeks ago and I began to feel a tailspin approaching, the answer was to get angry and force a change or two. Well, it is happening again, albeit for different reasons. Today represents the first day of my new little world coupled with the forest feeling. The time has never been more important.

I also noticed another change since leaving work. Only one person contacts me now. For whatever reason, the others in my group began to meet at the bar covertly, and I was not informed. Little hints here and there have shown me that many activities have gone on without my knowledge and they do not communicate with me as before. If this change is related to work, they have no place. If it is something else, I am at a loss. I have not flared up at anyone in recent memory. That is not my way, and there is rarely reason to take issue with one of my friends. The are all good people at heart. Whatever changed, the fact is that I am pushing more now because of it. I have no plans to alter my procedures. Alone I will remain. Alone and in the fucking forest. Yes, you guessed it... I am unhappy about more than one situation.

I shall return to my duchess soon. For the time being, exploration in a different direction is now paramount to survival. This entire entry has been a mess anyway. Fuck it.

I may tattoo the love into my arm. Six months will decide such an act. That is the grace period.

She is out there."