November 7th, 2020 6:54am pst

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"God damn fuck me, what a fucking mistake. Huge error in judgment. During a fleeting moment of feeling threatened, I vocalized it. I really did, and for a split second I thought it best that I run away. Sitting here this evening I feel a little better, but deep down I know today will repeat if I allow myself to lose composure again. I still can't believe it. I lashed. How in the blue fuck did I let that happen?

Monday morning. Still with me. All the way.

This day marks a return to the previous schedule which was interrupted last week. I will not be driving today, however, as I need some time to myself. The last two days have had me worried over my physiological condition yet again and today something must take place or I will flip my lid. Too much time has elapsed for my head to relax. The bit of discussion over this yesterday did not change anything because I do not believe my words transmitted the point. I'll have to do better today should the opportunity arise. This is not a good situation. As the images in my brain begin to attach themselves and remove clarity, I see those problems of the past returning with force... Enough to cause a loss of control. After this many days, such an outcome would be crippling. I cannot have that right now. Trying again today may help. I don't know.

And Tuesday arrives with a whimper. Election day. I'll be happy to see an end to the promotional materials which have been plaguing our mailbox for months. And I don't give a fuck who is elected. Nothing good will come of it anyway.

Yesterday was a turning point of sorts. I realized that the importance of my routine has lessened during the last couple of months and the opposite is taking place with regard to those aspects of my life missing for years. The loss of such a critical part of living has jaded be badly. Yesterday upon arriving home in the afternoon I knew what had taken place but never was able to put it into such terms before. Now the same thoughts are dire, overwhelmingly important, and may cause me to lose faith in enjoying anything. The morning was amazing and beautiful, but I have no clue as to why it happened. Or how. That means I don't know if it will ever happen again, nor can I calculate heading in any direction which may lead to the same. Understand? Of course not. I haven't really said anything.

Just... Damn.

I am driving today, after which I need to list two more (possibly three) items on the big site for gaining resources. I have one going right now which appears to be panning out nicely. Sunday I really shoved the crap into the trash and it disappeared a short time later. Very good. More of that, a little at a time, this week. There is a big mess in the kitchen from the last two days, as well. That will take some time with my show in the background. One of my favorite parts of a weekday is arriving home after the morning drive and getting everything set up to my liking. Very comfortable.

sage room

Wednesday morning.

Very interesting, to say the least. As of Monday last, I need to alter the manner in which I consider the most dire aspects of my happiness. That is to say I do not believe I have maintained myself as well as I could have, and now need to take care of each day which passes. Every single one of them has to be taken in hand and treated as a part of the greater good. I need it. The end result -- something of critical importance to my very survival -- may be what I imagine. Maybe. This is not going to be easy at all. The days will pass, yet hour by hour is going to be constant testing of my will and patience. This morning is no different. Monday is something which will remain inside my head for quite a while. Stirring.

The slight downside to something so wondrous is the idea of missing out sometimes. I cannot expect everything to align and match the past, so my head creates issues and worry over anything changing. In the last two weeks I have altered my behavior so as to facilitate making the most of what I can, and that means patience. Oy, short supply sometimes, especially when I begin to dream about those parts of life which eluded me and caused pain for years. I still experience some of that, too, like this morning. My head is swimming in a pool of murky memories bookended by what CAN happen versus what HAS happened. Does any of this make sense? I hope not. Two days later and I am going uphill again. Soon it will loom so large in my head that the difficulty will begin again. So far, I'm ok. Sometimes this feels like the end of the world and in order for the situation to improve I must have something very special. That was Monday as my head was awash with dreaming. After the fact? I fell down some as the realization that such wonder is rare and cannot be predicted. Time passes and I move up, but one day can seem a lifetime. Distraction and keeping busy are very important right now. No flow. Not if I can help it.

No driving today at all. My usual routine and a little extra as we now have a plan to visit the high country, believe it or not. In less than three weeks I will be in the warm embrace of the gaming culture again, and after a year and a half I really miss it. Although, considering the vast amount of analysis performed here throughout the last six months, the entire image may appear different. I don't know and will not until actually visiting. After all this time, the appearance may not be what I expect. Change from the inside.

I know that since being sold to the massive gaming empire many small changes have taken place, and thus far I've absorbed them as the larger picture of my love for that resort still moves me. Much of my past had been spent in the fold of that hotel. One of the largest slaps in the face was the Hard Rock moving into the older hotel to the east, and the resulting loss in lease for the restaurant we frequented just after each arrival and check-in. That was a couple of years ago, pissed me off a little, but we figured enjoyment of the rest would be fine. The main difference was a shrinking list of places for lunch. We struggled a bit for a time. Seeking other options became a challenge. Now? Well, one of the most beloved places in the world to me has shifted beyond comprehension. Yes, the seventy-plus year old steakhouse of my dreams and a place I've visited for nearly fifty of those years was relocated to the top floor and effectively usurped another of my favorites. A newer, more modern and very famous name moved into the original space and has ruined the possibility of more precious memories being created. In short, the little changes were ok for the most part, but they did something reprehensible this time. The wondrous history of that restaurant has been eliminated. Well, fuck you too. I just hope the guest relations representative doesn't seek me in the casino as in the past. I may express my feelings about the corporation slowly destroying one of the best places in the world. I can be pretty fucking harsh when my comfort is damaged. Progress is supposed to move us into the future. Instead, it is rolling over many parts of life which needed zero change. Some wonders should be left the hell alone. Fuck it. I am no one anyway. I've only been frequenting that particular club for close to fifty fucking years. Meaningless, right? Loyalty? Appreciation? Respect? Nope... Just make more money.

Sometimes I hate everyone and everything.


Anyway, very soon we will drive up the mountain. I am fairly surprised that we can swing this right now, too. The cruise up into the high country is wonderful, though. I will probably bring this machine due to having more free time to relax. I used to bring the little keyboard for my phone, but lately that thing has to be plugged into power constantly or it will only last a few minutes. The laptop is a cow, but whatever. I can deal with it in the interest of having the entire file system with me instead of just text.

I keep thinking of strolling through the club wearing nice clothes for a change. All these months there have been very few occasions in which nicer, dressier clothing was needed, so I have been sticking to the older, crappy shirts and stuff. We generally dress the part because I was raised in that culture and taught to show respect to the establishment. That goes all the way back to the building of Vegas decades ago, and my grandfather groomed me to understand the proper manner of visiting. He was a great guy. I still remember everything he tried to teach and must keep all of it in mind despite so many parts of that place having been torn away in the last five years or so.

I finally listed a couple of items for auction and need to go further. Too many at once creates shipping issues. I must have time to prepare everything for mailing. There are still a few more trinkets that will go, as well. Today I can get things in order and ensure I am ready when the time comes for the mail carrier to take them away. Right now, money coming in rather than flying out is a very good idea, especially considering the upcoming trip. We need to be comfortable and remain in the style of the past visits to that beautiful place.

At this point in my life, the idea of being up there in the gaming culture and surrounded by related imagery feels necessary for my continuing attachment to the past. The atmosphere feels perfectly natural and suited to my personality. That is a likely result of decades in such places. Vegas is different, however. That town (along with the now-Paradise) exudes a stronger connection with money and exclusivity, as opposed to Lake Tahoe which is more vacation and scenery oriented. The gaming and cash is still king, though. The size of the south resorts and still-quaint nature of the surrounding areas. I am looking forward to driving down the hill and seeing that sprawling lake and the trees. The weather will be damned cold, too. Very nice.

And then there is the idea of dressing nice, which I mentioned, but I cannot stress the importance quite enough here. It means much and recalls those huge, lavish trips in the seventies and eighties. The sixties? Oy, I was too young for recollection with any detail. We were there, though. Believe it. I plan to bring my nicest clothes and do my best to show respect.

The last trip became the first in history in which we saw and were served by males in the casino. I was taken aback in the beginning having never seen anything like it in the past, but later I appreciated the professionalism and appearance of two male servers. The bottom line is the job. They were friendly, efficient, courteous, and swift. I have no idea what to expect a year and a half later. Whichever sex is serving, I'll be ordering. Yep. Booze. A lack of gorgeous cocktail servers in the casino may be vastly different than the historic look of the club, but if I wish to absorb everything, it means embracing the changes. I will miss the adorable outfits and skin on display, though. As I've said over and over, I grew up surrounded by such imagery. Sex. Money. Alcohol.


Thursday morning and the usual is going on inside me. Ugh. No driving yet again as the football game is this evening. I will be out.

I do not like this type of morning. My head is all fucked up over the past and those many missing years. I still hold myself up for the most part, but the feelings begin to work on my heart sometimes and there is little which can be done. I have to remain focused upon this or something else, lest I lose myself in dreaming. That is often all bad. I mentioned the understanding -- and it is indeed available -- which works to keep my brain in check when I begin to feel down, however I cannot rely upon others for support all the time. Not fair. I have to figure out a way to rid myself of the morning difficulty, alone. Whatever the answer may be, and whether or not it exists, I must continue to try. The morning will pass, though. It always does, good or bad.

Friday has arrived with a whimper and I am further down the rabbit hole than yesterday. I have to attempt to consider why I am feeling this way, if I am indeed at fault for worrying too much, and how exactly to go about being where I need. Make sense? Again... Of course not. I am saying everything and nothing at the same time. Hmm... Today may be difficult. I have things to do which will take much time, but still I already know my head will not quiet easily. I do not know why yesterday ended the way it did, leaving me wondering of myself and the idea of fulfillment, however I do not need anything ore on my shoulders these days. There was another little tidbit which I received and subsequently understood as a slap in the face. That's right. Months ago I calculated that i had been ignored and left out, later softened over it somewhat, and now have reversed completely. Combined with such a tough day which had been pressing me down prior to learning of this, I am surprised to have come out the other side without throwing a fit. Once again, I hate everyone. This will be the last time I say it.

There is one facet which makes me smile, believe it or not, and it is the upcoming trip. I will be far away from all those people who have disregarded me and in the fold of the drowning culture. Isolated about as much as I can these days. The last three trips up there have shown me that some of my best and clearest thinking has occurred while surrounded by peace, quiet and comfort. The resort may help me sort things out just like in the past. I love it and cannot wait to top the pass and see those glimmering examples of capitalism rising above the pines. If I'm right, once there I will feel better and have an easier time putting the issues in perspective. Last night I was instructed to be well and not worry. So far this morning I am doing just that. I feel positive even though yesterday was a trial.

I will be driving today, and earlier than usual. Afterward I need to do the usual routine and get two more items listed for sale. There is now a time limit on that activity due to the trip in less than three weeks. I have plenty of time to get everything in order, though. Having a deadline feels new and different as I've been pretty much without any real schedule for months. I can work with it. There is also the idea of getting all my portable stuff in order which is always enjoyable. By the time we take off up the highway, I will be portable and compact. Nice.

Once arriving here after the morning drive I might push this to the Internet before doing anything else. The content has been blowing up since April with all this free time, and that means tons of entries in the archive now. I've been trying to think of a way to better organize the titles but nothing really looks very good yet. Something will come along, perhaps more than one page to shorten the length.


Back from the drive. I have to get some chores finished today or I'll lose my shit. Too much has been sitting idle for far too long. Now I am pissed off and changes must take place. Perhaps the filter box in the attic because the weather is turning, and that means furnace each morning and some evenings. The air quality in here is crap. The job is not going to be easy, but once I cut into the sheet metal there will no longer be a choice. Laundry is started. I have lots of time. Head out of the sex.

Well, not all the way out. Too many issues inside, mostly emotional. I am having a hard time dealing with my condition and it can send me over the edge. I must be vigilant. Pissed off is good for that.

I keep thinking of the trip and all of the freedom from worry it can provide. While there I can usually put everything aside and relax, and any thinking or consideration of what is going on in life feels eased. It's like being in between everything and having the space to see from the outside. Very good. As soon as we walk through the doors of the club, the comfort begins, as do the visions. This time? I don't care. They will always be there. I expect them to be there in one fashion or another due to the climate of Nevada. I am certain the number of guests will be lower overall, though. The current world situation will keep some away for sure, but even with fewer in the clubs, the imagery and occasional forms always appear. Such is Nevada. Very likely I will be sitting there writing about everything. I always do. Stop.

The afternoon drive was interesting and the scenery kept my head out of the ground. The weather has been unsettled, to say the least. Threatening rain kept the ocean sunny yet the background was full of menacing clouds, to the south was rain for sure, and then off to the east stood a pair of rainbows in the bright sunshine. Super cool. The month is late and that means returning home has become dark. Beautiful. My evening came and went sans issues. A little concern over the afternoon. Pause.

Saturday morning, just hours shy of movie time. I fucked up yesterday and feel pretty lousy about losing control. I tried but still felt compelled. By the end of the evening I was fine but this morning I am full of reasons to dislike myself for the moment. It will pass, though. I just need some time to separate the days. A little while and I'll be ok. The event is causing me to turn inward again and worry over what I see and hear from others. The fact right now is being left out of everything in recent months is likely saving me. I don't need to be around all that shit anyway, and the longer term will show people how serious I can be. Inward, again... Worried, small, and with the drive to keep everything inside again. A movie comes to mind which is related to how I feel and the woman up there on the screen right now was in it. Her character frightened the hell out of me. That was many years ago and it just flooded back in. Now? I am more intelligent and wiser, yet still there are aspects I really don't need to be near. Hence, quiet and all the way inside. I wish I had not lost it.

The flow I took for granted may be ceasing for this life."