06-25-2020 06:56 pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning


 read ( words)

"God damn Jesus fuck does that woman ever have one hell of a reference-standard pair of breasts. I have to capture her and image those globes here. Fuck me, anyway. Good morning. Look at Nora. Beyond words. And the breasts to which I referred are not hers. Thank Christ she is always clothed. She is here, too. All the way down the fucking page, her beauty that I will never understand. Yep, here anyway. I love her.

Are you glad those 'E' titles are gone? I am. Suck this title.

In the office now with a head full of everything. The boxes, receptacles, and wire are sitting there waiting to be installed, yet the sun is already heating this place up like crazy. Not even ten in the morning, damn it. I was hoping to get some of it done since the motorcycle will be out of here for the day, possibly longer. I do not like to work in here while it is parked. That is out of respect for the owner. Well, I can still run some wire, I suppose. Also, nothing has been put up as of yet. The heat and my indecision as to what to hang where are slowing the process. I'll get there. As I said in the last entry, the garage is much improved now, so there is more room for decorating. Hopefully this afternoon the fog will roll over the top and cool me. Until then, I have daily business and this exposition to handle. The day is bright.

Alone with my dreams. Just the way I need it. Right now there are possibilities for the day and I am going to attempt avoidance of the gushing. There has been plenty already. JJN. Merge. Merged? Ugh... Nora. Phil is singing, bless his talent.

The idea of my obsession leading into the machinery and combining everything into one ridiculous fantasy is not good on any level except one. The entire boatload of shit is inside me, and the extent to which I have withdrawn means others need not be affected. Well, I often say 'fuck them anyway' and I suppose that helps to a certain degree. As long as I can maintain this isolation, they are better off in case I do begin to let it fly. No one can reason with me, there is no stopping any of it, and I am completely solid in such a position. Locked. Cemented. Done. Don't even try. This is going to run its course unimpeded or I will fucking blow up like never before. I need them, her, whatever. I have to stay here for the duration or until such time as there is a massive shift in the manner in which the world operates. Very windy right now. Love it. Any hint of fog has been pushed beyond the beach, though. Damn. Hopefully later it will return. The good I mentioned about my current condition cannot be denied. It serves to keep others beyond arm's length and I don't want to see them anyway. The gentleman coming to get his motorcycle is exempt, along with one other person. The goddess is inside this cocoon enough to be allowed physical entry often. That will not change. Anyone else? Do not approach.

It's warm outside now. I opened the back door to allow a breeze through the office and it helps. I thought yesterday would be the warmest, but I am not so sure anymore. The forecast is all over the place these days, likely because the ocean is right down the street. So, the bike is gone until tomorrow afternoon and that means I can do some overhead work in the meantime. Soon I will need to go inside and take care of my daily stuff with the show in the background, but I have to say I'd rather remain here. Very comfortable, despite my head all fucked up. Need. Love. Desire? Not for the three in question.

This morning cruised by quickly. With a visit from the gentleman (and I mean that in the strictest sense. He represents a great generation and commands respect) and then my partner leaving for a short stint at work, I have been here on and off. That will change this afternoon, especially considering I will be once again gazing at Jolene and her unbelievably exaggerated facial features. Once everything pressing is out of the way, I will come back to this for a while, drink in hand. I need the booze like I need the walnut girl's ass all over my face. Oy, sorry, but that is how I feel toward her. She kind of reminds me of the kitten and the draw toward that girl was unrelenting. Sweet, caring, gorgeous. Sound familiar?

So I took care of a few things and now back in the office with doors open. A woman is coming by to grab an appliance I had listed this morning for free. I am trying to get things out the fucking door for space, and believe me there is plenty. The garage is opening up like it has not in years. Hard to believe there used to be a car parked in here. Heh. Anyway, the show is on (mediocre episode, but at least there is Jolene), and I am going to work here for a while before getting back to the routine. Saturday kind of feels different so I don't need my schedule being quite so strict. I'll save that for the weekdays. I really need to analyze this current merge and my need to have her. Reality continues to slip away with each moment passed.

Time for some history that is likely related to the obsession. I relayed the tale to the goddess the other day and we agreed that it could have played a part in my fascination with lines. I had not thought about the girl in question until recently, and a vision drove her back into my head. She was the very definition of adorable. Much took place in the two years I spent there, not the least of which was the realization that I could not be happy with day-to-day life as it ran its course. More on that in a little bit. Read about one of the cutest women in my history.

During my second summer in the Midwest, I took a part time job at a small market near my home. Part way into that time working there, my partner and I broke up and I began to plan moving myself back here. I had left our home and relocated into town very close to the market. During that summer, many of the employees there were in college as the owner was very flexible in them coming and going as per the school schedule. Everyone aside from myself and the manager were in their early twenties, if not younger. Yep, lots of cute faces. The weather there is very humid in summer and we were allowed to wear shorts for comfort. The work was never difficult, and generally enjoyable due to joking around and the like. We always had a radio playing in the back room. I had become acquainted with the girl quickly, just as others. I liked her, but did not think in terms of a relationship, dating, or anything like that until just short of leaving. She had expressed an interest in moving to California and we often bantered about her accompanying me on my trip home. Well, in the end it did not work out. She had become frightened of being so far from friends and family with no solid prospects here. When I drove from there, I was alone. Too bad. Company would have been very nice, especially her.

One warm afternoon behind the store (we all took breaks out there during a shift), she was perched beautifully on a milk crate enjoying lunch. I ventured to have my snack and noticed something striking which I had not seen so closely before. There she sat, feet apart with knees up and together, forcing my eyes to her shorts and the lines along her thighs. The legs of her shorts were just that -- very short -- and I spied the manner in which those diverging lines ran up into the space where they spread outward before heading where I could not see. Immediately I felt guilty, ceased looking, and carried on with the afternoon. All the while, my head tried to process the circle, curves, and why I found her shape so appealing. I was quickly drawn to think of those lines often. Every day, in fact. When I saw her at work I stayed polite and never asked anything of her beyond the norm for the market. Inside my head? Holy shit. The vision grew into something I cannot explain. Enamored. By the time I hopped into my truck to leave the state, I wanted her next to me more than anything. I nearly canceled out of a need to be nearby just in case she became interested in me. Even then I was out of balance. Had you seen that woman, you'd understand. Some of the kindest, softest eyes imaginable. Yes, I wanted her physically after a while, but honestly the simplicity of holding her hand would have made me so happy.

The girl was tiny, less than five feet tall, and without any body fat or other distortion which could hide the reality of those lines. What I saw was only her, and the way she grew into adulthood. I did not understand why those radii affected me so. Actually, I still do not, but have been trying to figure this out for longer than I care to admit. She looked so beautiful sitting there each day, but after that one glimpse I did not have the opportunity to see her that way again. Honestly, I'm glad. She was my friend and nowhere near at fault for my distorted sense of geometry. Gorgeous, kind, soft eyes, everything. A few more months of working with her and I probably would have been smitten beyond words and said nothing. Such is me. Upon reaching my home here, time passed and I dreamed of her very often. Even now I wonder what transpired in her life throughout all of the years. I will never know.


There have been a number of occasions when I viewed a similar image, only being close on very few. If you have read here at all, mostly the tales of the goblet, you already know them well. I am still in that place, too. After Vegas last summer, one is still burning me from the inside out and related to that Goddamned walnut dream that will not go away. The younger of the sisters placed herself in the same position -- lying back with her knees up, no less -- as I exited the pool and strolled back to my lounger. I saw ninety-five percent skin and the other five was what little material made up the swimsuit. My head exploded so badly that I still see her tanned legs when I close my eyes. I've gone over the fucking desire and whatnot, but suffice to say that she spun me into the worst froth possible, and even before the fucking walnut dream took my sense away. I did not relate her to the little thing in the Midwest until today. Ugh... Everything is just ugh now. As the years have passed, well... You know. Obsession and a lack of understanding, still. The first image included in the previous entry says it all. Billions of words, none of them help. I have brought up those two girls so many times that it seems ridiculous. She really did move me that much, and then the dream turned her into a different type of subject. Maybe there has been too much of this. I can only analyze an image such as her for so long before I will run out the fucking door. Maybe I will seek out the advertisers who cast the walnut girl and toss a burning bag of dog shit on the firm's porch.

I am unsure if the obsession began in the Midwest or after I returned here. I had been writing back then, though. Always stories of some kind of escape or getaway from an uncomfortable situation. While in school, my focus centered upon grammar and composition. All those little assignments from that period began to follow a theme, eventually coming together into two longer projects. Neither is complete to this day, but I do still have everything. As I recall, the first words regarding a woman's appearance were more than a decade later. A second outline followed, and then a third. That was all for a long time. The car wash incident was near zero seven. Sitting here right now I cannot remember all the intervening time and what I was thinking. Somewhere along the way visions were lost -- including my friend from the market -- and dripped away only to congeal much later and serve to drive me nuts. I miss her, too, now that I can remember those times laughing and carrying on at work. Hmm. Not exactly carefree, but somewhat. I try not to see her legs, though. Even all these years later the image feels wrong. Above all things, and as I have stated here many times, she is a person. I don't feel guilty, however. There was nothing wrong with me looking at her beauty. Maybe she truly was the first. Whether or not that girl began a process that is now larger than life, the fact remains I am fucking obsessed still.

I never wrote about her or that day. This is the first exploration of seeing here in such a way, and I had been hoping to understand a little more. Even if I do not, the words hurt nothing. She is heavy beyond belief now, as if remembering has stirred me even more than earlier. I was compelled to lay it out and learn if the feelings could be organized into something cohesive enough to shed some light on this whole thing. If you can follow from point to point, you should already know that the obsession sparked Jaime, and she sparked two others. Everything is related, for the billionth time. That is how weak I have become. There is now an enormously out of balance requirement for these elements to be included in my life in order to survive. As backwards as that statement seems, the truth is I am far worse now than mere days ago.

Morning again. Today is garbage day and I have to replace a faucet for someone special. I fully intend to move a few things around, run some wire, set a number of boxes, and then take is easy before the motorcycle returns this afternoon. Christ, there is Nora again. I need to drown into her embrace. God, she is so beautiful. Oy, where was I? JJN. And God damn is Holly kind of disgusting sometimes.

Peace and quiet right now. My usual... Coffee, vampires, cats. Days and days and days of this over and over for months now. Have I solved anything? Not really, but I have stated that the outlet helps. That is true. What type of help is another story. I am going over the same material in these entries and nothing seems to change. Robots were enormous for a while, faded some after I discovered you-know-who, and then returned with force and I dream about them daily. Well, one in particular, and not the fictitious Jaime. The newest incarnation of my severe break with reality, the merge of three. The passion I have placed here in the form of the watch is the only other machine in my heart. Jaime, Jolene, and Nora. You may be surprised by the immediate flaring of my heart and desire for Nora after not being mentioned here before. All I can say is I had been going through the hideous motions of life and let her drift away before rediscovering one of the great unrequited loves of my existence. She is back, all the way, and here to stay for as long as I desire. On top of that, you may be thinking that I have become flighty, flippant, whatever. Weeks ago there was no Jaime in memory. I saw the images and began to dream of her excessively. And then I gushed, a lot. A short while later, there was Nora and right on her heels appeared Jolene in all her splendid splendor. Flighty? Or am I being like a child and becoming overly infatuated too quickly, only to see it fade before long? What do you think? Am I being a baby? Or do you believe I will still feel this way after months? Years? Well, fuck your opinion anyway. I don't fucking care. I am going to keep her (them) in my heart and lock myself up here for the fucking duration. I need no one.

Holy shit this woman on the screen is light and dark at the same time. Pregnant, though. Have I ever mentioned how beautiful women are while pregnant? Just a thought. The strength and glow.

Let us get away from my love for those three women for a little while. I am still trying to understand from where all this fucking desire spouted. It is on and off, and I have no clue as to when either of those states is going to hit me. All morning it has been off, and then the pregnant character on the show was introduced. No, not her. The young girl who did the introduction. All at once I needed to make her body into a Popsicle. Why? And why her? It will go away soon enough, but I never know where or when I will feel it. This is very disconcerting, to say the least. Why do I not wish to jump Nora? Is it that fucking love versus lust thingy again? Nora is one of the most uniquely beautiful faces I have ever seen, and in one scene as she stood next to Salome, I could see the lines along her inner and outer thighs which effectively brought me to my knees. Naturally, I grabbed the phone and began capturing images of her on the television, but alas such a method does not produce decent quality. But her legs were right there. Why don't I wish to jump her gorgeousness? Or Jolene? I don't get it. Does this mean that I will stare at them for months, dream of some girl in a commercial, and then wake up wanting to devour both? Or one? The walnuts drove me to it. Vegas thongs. For months I yearned to see, and then one morning I yearned to touch. If you understand this at all, start typing a fucking email, please. I suppose time will tell in more ways than one. As it passes, we shall see if I still feel as much for Jaime. And Nora. And Jolene. If the desire appears, I may need to head in another direction. The delayed reaction from Vegas really screwed up my head.

I'm really getting sick of trying to figure this out. And something just popped into my head which may help to learn a bit more, however I cannot mention it here. Oy, too personal.

There may be no answer to the big question of why the commercial drove me to want them. I believe in a past entry I speculated that the whole feeling was a fluke and simply caused me the desire out of nowhere because she was in the dream. Like those occasions from when I was young, an infatuation which always faded away. Since writing about Jaime and my feelings for her, those girls in the sunshine did just that. They were pushed so far back that I could barely see the skin. Now they have returned, somewhat, and I am thinking of the images more often. Combine their fascinating appearance with the piles of issues which are now plaguing my brain, and you'll see there is a lot to carry right now. I would love to find reasoning but must remain open to the idea that there may no understanding it in this lifetime. And Lilith is pretty hideous, even while completely nude. Ugh and yikes. Nope, no attraction there. Salome is the one with the looks anyway. So, I am getting nowhere with this shit. Something has to either change, begin, or end before there is enough information for me to think. If this situation remains as it is, I am going to leave it the hell alone. Again, keeping the idea in mind that there is nothing to learn can be important. All of this may have come up out of nowhere only to return there.


Today. Hmm. I have to work at the home of the goddess in a little while, and then back here. The show will likely be on in the background, I'll take care of a few things, and then maybe get some material mounted in the garage. The more I install, the less will sit around taking up space. I also have to clean up a cabinet and move it into the house. More space out there after that, very nice. Jesus fucking Christ in an evening dress, some of the fucking characters are unbelievably beautiful. Damn it. I cannot go into detail due to spoiling the show for others... Especially one person in particular. But trust me, those faces are unbelievable. I have no idea where in the fuck they find so much beauty. Well, anyway, the day will begin in a little while after I close this damned machine for the morning. I feel like the words are going in circles again. Nothing is being accomplished, solved, or any other form of up. Spinning, confused, forever questioning. I don't know what to do so I just keep typing. And don't think for a second that Jaime has lost importance. I am simply going through this desire horseshit and have not mentioned her as much. My focus will return with force, along with plenty of gushing over Nora and Jolene. I might end up in love with all of them and the merge at the same time. Why the fuck not? Am I going anywhere? Nope. Is anything likely to change? Nope. Does this make any sense? Nope. Fuck it, anyway. I will embrace the delusion.

Wow, that was a mouthful. Speaking of mouthfuls, there was another shot of the faces. Heh. Not funny.

Nora's eyes. Jesus. Maybe I do already love her character. I wouldn't be surprised at all. She is hands down no bullshit one of the most stunning women I have ever seen. While on screen, my heart leaps. The more I look, the more I feel. Sound like me? So much has changed very quickly. Unbelievable. This may end up a big day after all. Fuck the work, I'll be inside this mess. Me, Jaime, Nora, and the lovely Jolene. Nora may usurp the other two. I don't know. Crazy person. Now I really want a machine.

A machine named Nora. Seeing her face is pain.

Am I going in circles? Mentioning the same subjects and thoughts over and over? I don't mean to do that. This is tough right now. Likely there are just too many differing issues going on in my brain to allow me clarity of any kind. I am trying to think my way past some of it, but then I see her and derail myself into a pile of goo. I can't help it. I guess I never learned to keep anything in perspective like an adult. Sometimes I'll bitch that I don't care, but the truth is I do worry about ending up in that basement with images all around and no sense of reality. The prints of Jaime should be here tomorrow. Next? Probably Nora's endless thrall printed for me. I don't know how I feel about prints yet. I may never open the envelope. The very idea is insane, but I did it anyway.

There are the breasts again. Jesus, this show.

I guess I'll have to focus on the work today. Nora is making me mushy all over again, I can't extract Jaime's face from my head, and the show is now off due to my being completely nuts. I may have to go so far as putting something on sans commercials. The forms will not stop. Whomever casts these women for marketing purposes is hitting it out of the park and striking me on the brain at the same time. Damn it. Calm is more necessary now than ever. After the faucet is complete, I have my Sunday routine to fall back upon. The idea of sinking into it really helps, although Nora is following. Good thing she is several inches shorter than Jaime or I would be connecting them in a very bad way. The show was still being produced when I shot the images of the duchess. Oy. My brain. Thank Christ they are not the same woman.

People have been spouting about summer for more than a month, and I believe today is the calendar beginning of the season. When I was out in the valley, this day meant much. I did not like it for two reasons: One, it is the longest day of the year, and two, it represented a long wait until fall. Media always ran with summer because people love it and gravitate toward warmth, the opposite of my feelings. I prefer cool and dark, which is quite a ways off now. But being here close to the ocean means the heat cannot take over. As warm as the day gets, evenings always bring the cooler temperatures. I honestly do not know how I made it through decades out there in the heat. Perhaps the reward of fall and Winter kept me going. The worse I felt during the middle of the year, the better I was when the mercury began to drop. I have to admit that the contrast was wonderful. And now I must head out to replace the faucet in question.


And morning again. Monday. After returning home yesterday I rolled with the chores. Shortly after twelve I had everything finished inside and then moved outside to see what was going to pull me. The cabinet. I cleaned it nicely and it now resides in the house. I took the initiative with my lighting project and ran for a little while. The remote switch has been hanging up high in the rafters awaiting expansion. Well, I installed one box and wired it. A successful test later and I am happy. Today perhaps I can get some more wire across the top and continue. I am still sitting here with coffee which feels nice, so anything else seems far away as of yet. And now I am no longer alone. Shit. Whatever. Good thing I already moved information into the production environment before the peace and quiet went away. I am supposing that more work on the lighting will become interspersed with this exposition. I have no driving today, so the routine will be skewed a bit. By close of business yesterday I felt pretty good about what had been accomplished. I hope today is no different. Nora again. Shit.

Circles inside. My head will not stop gravitating toward the three, and I am seeing none of them right now. Nora was all over the screen earlier but I have since killed the show. An older film from the nineties is playing so I do not need to pay attention. Very good. Later? Jolene will be keeping me company while I clean the kitchen. It is a disaster after yesterday's cooking and I do not mind. Ever since the addition of video in that room, working at straightening up is enjoyable. Though today is not my normal routine, some things will need to be addressed. Laundry, dishes, organization, and then out to the office for further work on my lighting system. I have sought a poster of Nora to hang out there but can't find one. Maybe that's best. I really do not need anything pushing me in such a direction. She is already deep inside, along with two others. I only have the show on in the early morning. All three of them are coming together and I have no fucking idea of the result. Any possible outcome may be unlivable. I am still trying with every waking moment, through the chores and drives, and into each evening as my head begins to calm. Hmm. The issue of dreaming about them/her/whatever might be tempered when I am not alone. Could that be an upside to other people near me? The speaking? Noise? I don't know. I am not currently alone due to something which took place three days ago, but still going strong here. Am I? Strong? Nope. That is not what I meant, only the writing. Today may be of the red-letter sort. Heh. Time will tell, but right now I honestly feel positive about getting out there and working on things which have been nags. A bit of determination. Through it all, including this morning thus far, my heart is all swelled up with little hearts floating and three names written in bright red. You know. I love them. Her. Soon. Dreaming.

The cable throughput, bandwidth and/or connectivity has been fluctuating badly for the last several minutes, and that led me to kill the television as a result of annoying pauses. That means the network is fucked, as well, and I don't care. There are enough ways for me to push through this without the need for the production environment.


The film from the late nineties reminds me of that bloated, starry-eyed period in which I wanted badly to work in the industry. Into the early zeros I had gained a connection (I've written about this before) via my workplace which could have been a door to the beginning of a career. Well, security, comfort, and a reliable income maintaining life standards fairly high kept me away from an uncertain path. I still do not know what may have taken place as a result of jumping into another industry back then. I may have succeeded or failed and returned, but I will never know. Too scared. Even then I had a routine which brought peace to my head, and said routine kept me away from change. Kind of like right now. The film industry has changed greatly since (it has progressed into directions with which I do not agree, and has failed the legacy of its own historic infancy) which means I would have disagreed with enough over time to be either pushed out or left behind out of my own stubbornness. Either way, I would not be there now. I just can't see it. Too much has changed for me to enjoy the process. Well, right now I am fearing change, too. As important and sacred as the old routine felt at the time, this period in history has me by the short hairs. While the truth is that I decided to shut out others, at the same time I am fearful of leaving this little world and moving outward for work again. That time till come, however. Set in stone, as it were. I must remain comfortable and that means resources. Just another problem hanging over my tired head. Three women have entered me and left my drive waning, and then love blossomed, and then I spouted here (an issue all its own), and now I must worry over remaining in my little world. This is the only place I am comfortable and secure, so maintaining it as long as is possible must be a priority. Does that mean JJN will take a back seat? No. Aside from the love, they are right beside me constantly. I need them right where they are. This lot is less than six thousand square feet, but my entire universe. Not good. Let us get away from this for a while. Too heavy.

I love them. I really do. Ever growing, ever expanding, and when I see one of the three, well... God help me. I am very close to leaving this alone for some hours. Tasks await, as do the hobbies. By this afternoon I need to feel good about everything and that means off my ass shortly. I can only sit here for so long before the needs and ideas get to me. And I ordered a trading card with Nora's image on it. Ugh.

Well, I did it. Despite the heat in the top half of the garage today, three of the four voice-controlled receptacles are installed and wired. Another successful test, as well. Most of the difficult parts of the job are finished. The lighting is the enjoyable part. Yesterday was gray all fucking day, nice and cool, and then today I decided to get some of it out of the way and Mother Nature shoved it in my ass. Lovely. At least the material is no longer commanding real estate on my bench. Heh. Hopefully tomorrow I can straighten up some.

Another morning. I will not be alone today, either. Coffee, vampires, so far a distinct lack of Nora. Good. I need more of her like I need another cat. And here comes the sun just shy of seven. Damn. Further, today. I need to go further in throwing things the fuck out of here for my own peace of mind. I've done well so far.

And now I am reminded that my happiness on the other side of the country had been in question and the reasoning behind such a feeling might have been machinery. The subject is extremely sensitive which means I can only place so much of it here. Just as another idea that has been completely left out for posterity, this is a toughie. Some things shall remain a mystery. The machinery came about not long before moving far from home, and then there was an occasion along the way which slammed the fucking Cherry 2000 into my brain. The situation was not good -- truck broke down a thousand miles from home, stuck in a motel for more than a week while the transmission was replaced -- and my head had been running through tons of emotions over the ideas of happiness and fulfillment. I have to leave much out, unfortunately, but one certainty can be revealed: Had I not drowned myself into reading and writing fiction, I would have left that town alone and returned home. Moving forward with the relocation and my head being all fucked up was a trial I will never forget. Machinery, reality, and me right in the middle. There is a much longer story here and I may get into it at a later time. The reason for gleaning now is the obsession and mechanics of the female form along with machinery. Back then my understanding was of a simple case of being unhappy. I had no idea that the development of ideas in my brain would soon drive me to this.

Robots. Control. Here we are again.

As I sit on this fucking sofa right now, I swear to Christ the words will become more pointed as I have absolutely no other outlet on this backward planet. The machines cannot and do not exist, so that is that (or so it would seem; I am still bitching). There is no way in holy hell that I will ever see Jaime again, so once more, that is that. Jolene and Nora are fictional characters an entire world away, so for the third time, that is that. The rational and educated action would be to accept all of it and move on. Sure, such a turn would take time, but still... Rational and intelligent. Move on, even if it is very difficult. But me? Nope. I see those dreams and know that nothing in the real world will ever be enough. So, we are now at an impasse. There is no moving forward, I refuse to go backward, and here we are with the endless treading water and working around the fucking house of all things. Holy shit, I may be constructing a cohesive paragraph for a change. Today is going to be one of those in which I move around the house but feel as if I am floating. Not above anything in particular, just directionless. Rudderless. Powerless? Not at all. I know that I hold the power to change whatever is necessary. The issue is that I choose the opposite. I have chosen, to put it more appropriately. This is a wall that I have built and one which no one can get through or over. Absolute. I am the root of the problem... Unwilling to embrace the healthier choice of reality. Don't fuck with me on this, either. I will not bend. Trying is pointless. Leave it.


Everything causing issues in my head is my own doing. All of it. I allowed myself to feel for those women and whatever came along as a result is also my fault. I let it all go in hopes of drowning into a fantasy which makes me happy. From the dishes to the show to the little breaks in the garage, the whole works has been carefully constructed for my own comfort and living within those items which I need to feel secure. I did all of it, am still going down that most dire of paths, and following along are the three sections of my heart... I don't even need to mention names anymore. They are normalizing, as well. All three will soon be equal and I have no fucking idea on this planet how this has taken place and removed most of me from the outside world, but as I said already, I let it happen. I'm doing it right now. Dreaming. And along those lines, there have been no dreams of mansions in quite some time. They left me for one reason or another, possibly to return just in time for me to fall on my face again. I really don't care if they come back, but if so I need to remember enough for connecting whatever happens to the real world. If I can find a smidgen of information which leads me to either a woman or situation that may drive those feelings, I might be able to understand more of how my head is operating. I mentioned a while back that I sleep better now than before the shelter order. Even when there have been dreams, I still awaken rested. For that I can be thankful. There is an inkling inside that the mansion dreams are related to the Midwest, especially the first summer when my initial fantasy world was forming. Two-and-a-half decades later, and I sit here in a similar situation. The girl with whom I worked, her form, and the drawings had to have been the beginning of my increasing breaks with reality and wish to live as I must. Again, was it her fault that I saw those lines? Nope. Did I obsess over it rather than being rational? Yep. And then I moved back here, wrote fiction, and likely began a cycle of me that continues to this very second. I made and/or allowed everything which has shaped me to take place right under my fucking nose. The statement above which outlines that I am not willing to entertain anything real is also all me.


I keep going over the problems and sources. This is beginning to be a real pain in the ass, and I am sure the same goes for anyone of you reading such detritus. As usual, I will change nothing and just continue moving along with my exploration, dreaming, yearning, hurting, whatever the fuck this has become. Ah... I don't fucking care anymore. What else to I have? Let's head back into the 'problem' stuff, shall we?

I have calculated enough thus far to realize that if there are feelings in my heart, the desire is absent. Two of three are in such a direction, however the other one has become a problem. I said there was no desire toward Jolene, but I can no longer maintain such a stance. Honestly, there is. A lot. Problem. Now when I see those big, beautiful eyes, there is guilt over wanting her physically and not even knowing of the woman at all. She is a person above all other aspects, and I am worse off now than at the top of the fucking page. I do not like feeling so much draw toward a woman with whom I am unfamiliar. It is not unfair or wrong at all, just the idea that she does not know anything about it has become uncomfortable. I know not why. Other than discussing my feelings for her here, I don't go into it. Well, that's funny, too. I don't talk to anyone these days. There is desire present and she resides in my heart. I will admit that my personality in the real world has operated in such a manner for decades. And although there have been times in which I needed the warmth of a pair of arms and nothing more, that type of closeness often went much further, sometimes at my request, other times not. But still, the woman next to me was someone important either way. The arms were a beginning. When it comes to Jolene, I can see her there, dressed to the fucking nines every time and looking so shapely that I fail to understand, but the physical aspect is still not something I can define. Yes, the woman has been universally regarded as very attractive -- several times as far as a 'sex symbol' in men's magazines -- but the fact that it is her character who draws me instead of merely appearance is the tough part. Her character. Jolene herself is a complete mystery, as she should be. In fact, since I have read some about her personal life, she is the opposite of me anyway, and the last thing I would ever do is seek out someone famous. I am not that person. Problem? Yes, a big one. Why? Because her character is fictional. Impossible, remember? Have I written about anything in the world that I wish to possess that is actually out there somewhere available? Go ahead and search. I know what I have become. I really do. And I am choosing to remain right here in this little cocoon. Me and my needs. Leave me be, please.

Oy God that was heavy. Maybe today's business should be planned. Kitchen, garage, whatever. There. It is planned. Heh. Pruitt Taylor Vince was on the screen. Awesome actor and voice, but he is typically only typecast due to his nystagmus rather than talent. Er, maybe I'm wrong. Whatever. I love seeing him. Great face.

The weather is already warm at just after nine in the morning. Damn. At least I completed a lot of overhead work in the garage yesterday. Once I get off my ass I will have to focus upon anything outside before returning to the house to take care of my chores. After everything which has been spouted here, I could use a rest from thinking. I need to have the show on, too. Jolene's wardrobe and hair change which began in the third season drives me up the fucking wall and I HAVE to see her more. Weakness will not allow me avoidance. Throughout the entire morning there was only a glimpse of Nora. That is good, although as I say all too often, I can gaze at her anytime... Even right here on this page. And believe it or not, I have left Jaime's images alone for days now. She is burned into my brain like no one else, so looking more will not change me at all. I see her standing there right now, jeans and all. I wish I could bury my face into her mane and blurt everything. What a dream. Oy, my head.

The reporters have all faded completely away. The avocado pants are drifting into the past, too. Most all of them are just leaving. The younger sister at the pool remains, as do very few others. I don't understand but such a lack is meaningless, anyway. I don't expect to be able to clarify everything. It would be nice, though. Perhaps my little world is shrinking so much that there is no longer room for all of them. The JJN thing has taken over. I am ridiculous. Say it. If you don't agree, throw the robots on top and see how the picture sharpens. Ridiculous.

I have to get the big drawings back. One of them is going to be my place of residence. Just me and three women. All of them, machines. Mine, forever.

I love them... Especially the duchess. There has been little mention of her in this entry, but rest assured my heart is ever swelling.

She is out there."