08-09-2020 08:23 pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning

Melora and Marayna

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"Harry had the worst luck with women. Or perhaps just bad choices. He fell for a holographic woman who turned out to be someone intent upon damaging the ship, and then an alien woman whom he was ordered to avoid and did not, then the Borg/human hybrid woman, and finally the wrong twin. None of them ever worked out for him, but he kept going. Trying. Good guy, that Harry.

I have been awake since just after four. No more sleeping, I suppose. I have to admit that I am a bit concerned over going back to the airport. I'm sure it will be fine, the trip just means I'll have to care for myself upon returning home. I am tired from being up so early and after publishing such a pile of shit just a few moments ago. So tired, both physically and due to everything in my head this day. I have not felt this low on energy in many years. Maybe during eleven. I don't know. Tired.

I brought up Harry (not Harry my cat, heh) because he became infatuated with a holographic projection, not the others. They are of no concern here. The projection needs to be understood as she was a combination of matter manipulated by energy. Within the confines of the environment, she was tangible and could be programmed to be or do anything. No limits. Sound familiar? That's right... Like a machine. She was a machine of sorts, for all intents and purposes, and that means no worries. Complete control over her thinking. A dream, to me. As always, there is the part regarding 'impossible'. Michelle was along those lines, and due to her being so fucking needy all the time, she relied upon me for nearly everything. Clingy. To her, that meant I cared for her and she was whatever I may have needed, always. Perhaps I should have stuck with her for the long haul. Back then I did not think of a future as I do now. Looking at what we had with my current mindset? She was as close as I will ever get to the idea which is required for me to find comfort in another person. A woman. One who stood tall and beautiful, and did whatever I wished. Yes, that is selfish, but her personality and need to be cared for did offset any concern for a time. I did not feel selfish at all, only worried over her not being the smartest girl in the neighborhood. Such a woman will never come around again. Even if that kind of idea is out there somewhere, I will never know. Too closed off now. I did this, too. All of it. I am worsening.

Today is not good at all. I have to drive in a little while, and then instead of returning home, I am going back to the airport to pick up the goddess and carry her home. I will be back here at some point to cocoon myself like always and take care of my routine. So far this morning, issue four has had me preoccupied quite a bit. I do not like it. That crap has been squashed by depression because I know if it gets the best of me I will only feel worse. Don't need that at all right now. I feel bad enough already. The realization that one issue is pushed away by another is rather good, believe it or not. Kind of like one fear overpowering another and enabling me to be around other people. As straining as that can be, I am better for it. So, this morning as I felt the flare and then reversed it, my head began to improve. It might sound crazy, though. I don't know. The fact is that I succeeded in ceasing the idea and moving forward. I am proud of that now. Hopefully I can do the same more often.

Issue number four can be powerful and I stopped it. I guess not everything is futile. Stop for the day.

Thursday and here I am again. The entire day went by me yesterday and I never made it back to this. The airport, lunch with the goddess, a movie, and then some of the daily stuff took up my time. I never really moved beyond that. The clock is not always mine. One thing of note is that I was asked if the morning hurt me. Yes, it did. Always. My brain is no longer able to compute properly as it has in the past. I know why, too. I know exactly what transpired and it will happen again if I am placed in the same situation. Weak. Very weak, and I am not referring to four. Saturday will be another test and time will tell if I fail again.

The airport held another slew of attractive females, two different tall Asians, and a variety of cute all over the place. I had to wait a little while due to my flight data changing several times. I don't mind waiting, although I did move to the lower lever near the baggage claims in order to minimize the amount of visions crossing before me. Not necessarily damaging per se, but you likely already know that the more I see the more I remember. Out the door with her in tow, thank the maker. Overall the visit was not bad. I dreamed a bit about flying and seeing the sights, too. I cannot be anywhere near aircraft without wishing to get away for a while. Too many times have I made the decision to dash. By this point in time, it is an instinct. Hardwired.

And the evening. Dinner, an episode, some relaxing, and cocktails. Done.

Now I have some things to work through. I'm concerned over the possibility of this little life changing out of my control and it worries me. I already have plenty of difficulty in my head and do not need the fucking boat rocked right now. That will hurt me deeply. I have to be here for a while longer and get my shit straight, mostly inside the brain. Going out in the world will not help me at all. I already know what is out there and cannot deal with it yet. Just like the airport, everything will stir me up. Memories, visions, fears. We are just two weeks shy of five fucking months since the first shelter order, may be in for another if the numbers continue to rise out of control, and this is now the only place I feel safe. Even yesterday morning on my way to the airport parking garage, I knew exactly where I needed to be and how to get there, yet still there were moments of anxiety because I was driving away from home. Picking her up is enjoyable. I know the airport inside and out, and feel that it is safe. Still, the worry grew inside for a little while before I relaxed after parking the car. That tells me going out for work will be a problem. As of yet, I do not have the confidence to do it. God help me if there is anything to see when I finally find something which fits me. I have not had to worry about such a situation in more than a decade. My previous line of work brought me all over the city sometimes and I saw things better avoided, every now and again would be worse due to something at the site. That was rare, but still each occasion pile atop one another and left me a pile of worthless crap. And then I would write. Well, I don't have the time to write everything now, especially if working. The truth is I am afraid. Small, still.

Today will be different in that I am going to be alone and in my cocoon by choice. No one else has one with regard to me. I have to focus upon returning from the morning drive. One of my favorite parts of the day is reentering this house after arriving. The day feels open to me. The show, the chores, you know. Today is important after the airport trip and worry over my future. I need the time alone. A lot. I have things to organize, little improvements here and there, and lots of thinking. I may give up completely on asking about the obsession. The questioning is pointless. I may have wasted tons of time in trying to learn why I feel the way I do about such beauty. There is no reason I need to know why. I honestly do not believe answers will help me other than simply having them. Two is something much larger and affects my every move and relationships with other people. Such a worry may be insurmountable, though. So I need to work on that one instead. In the meantime, I will see those examples of my obsession, fall down at a few here and there, but in the end that will not matter. I already know it will happen over and over. I cannot stop looking and may not need to anyway. Two. That is the issue which can destroy my ability to live in peace. One thing is certain, and that would be my need for peace and quiet to think. I must either figure out why it affects me so much or learn to let some things go for my own survival. And I don't even know if I'm capable of such a leap. The last few months have demonstrated that even while spending time by myself and having complete control over the environment I still fall down over that problem. Some of the terms which bother me have not been laid out here because they are too personal. Other than blowing up over the episode a few entries back, I have not gone into much detail. I am afraid, as usual.

The drive is an hour away. When I return, the trying will continue. Right now I just don't know what to think of myself. At this moment on the television is an unfamiliar film and Bridget is in it. I had forgotten her for a while after watching 'I, Robot' some years ago. That may have been my first notice of her. Like the girl in the parking lot, she is all about the eyes. Her talent is amazing and that is key, although I do have a thing for her somewhat due to her height and shoulders. It's not a big deal, though, and has been tempered by the first time I saw her. 'I, Robot' caused all sorts of problems inside. They are still there and relate directly to two. Considering the sheer number of years between seeing that for the first time and where I am right now, the power of issue two cannot be denied. All those insecurities and feelings of inadequacy are just as hot.

Reine 1

Melora in 'Magnolia'. That role popped into my head yesterday. She is an amazingly-talented actor and hit that one out of the park. I have seen it plenty of times, but the raw, emotional nature of the story and powerful performances keep me away now. It's just too hard to watch but has nothing to do with my issues. Even Tom's character -- a reprehensible, chauvinistic motivational speaker does not cause much of a problem, and that despite him being in unbelievable shape. Melora is the key. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be ok. Just as I revealed recently (and just yesterday to the goddess), I have been leaning toward a woman's eyes more than any other part. It is a feeling which runs deep and has the singular ability to bring me to my knees. I know not why, nor how it happened, but believe that Melora's role in the film is a prime example of my need. The memory of seeing her for the first time and in a huge theater is strong and clear. Tears. She was amazing.

One feeling stands out, and that is her vulnerability and incredibly open emotions. They are all over her face and in broad daylight. Raw, powerful, saddening to no end. That display of vulnerability strikes me to the core and leads me to believe that due to her condition she could be wonderfully understanding. Needy, perhaps, but still... I look at her and listen to the desperation in her voice during some of the bleakest scenes imaginable and feel that I would not be worried over the issues if she were holding me. Does that sound crazy? I received a strongly-telegraphed and similar feeling when I was reminded of the images of Jaime. Half her face. Yes, that woman again. Live with it. She is too important and continues to develop as a representation of what I actually must be near in order to survive. No judgment, just understanding and acceptance. Jaime was fleeting... A few moments captured by me which have endured. Melora is deeper and I can see her over and over again. Nothing at all about her appearance other than the eyes and tears. I have to pause for a little bit. Trouble.

Early afternoon now. There was no morning drive at all. She stayed home because my oldest cat is having enough difficulty to force a visit to the vet. Two days ago I noticed that while sitting, his front legs shook a bit, so I kept a close eye on him. He is nearly nineteen years old now, so any issue alarms me. Well, in the evening we gave him a tablespoon of A2 milk as a treat. My cats normally have zero milk because it can mess with digestion, unlike with kittens. They tolerate lactose better. I did not really think anything of it until this morning. He became sick, and like most cats just took in stride. That is one of those common things with cats. They move right along afterward. He then had difficulty trying to use the litter box and ended up going on the floor and flopped down on it. Not good. We called the vet immediately and will be taking him in shortly. The wait is killing me, though. He is not moving well at all, and every time he tries to rise and walk, a worrisome meow emanates as if he is very troubled. There is a sinking feeling within me that they may put him down. One thought from the doctor is that he may have had a stroke at some point. After all these years, the little guy is my buddy and I love him like a family member. In the nine-plus years since I adopted him, health has rarely been an issue. He is just a love. I'd be lying if I stated that I am not scared, but whatever takes place which can alleviate his troubles, I am all for it, even if that means he will not be with us anymore. I cannot adequately put into words what he means to me. If you have pets, I need not explain anything. And that is all I will say about this until there is a resolution.

I moved this machine to the new office to breathe fresh air and watch the trees blow. I needed the change. I have not been out here writing in several weeks. I've thought about it, but alas the sofa and television are just too fucking cozy. Two drinks in, and here I sit. Less than an hour to go before the vet. Still scared, but at least the kitty is sleeping on my sofa. That indicates some comfort, at least. Switchtrack.

'I don't need to see that,' she said. And it began.

The statement went deeper than I expected after thinking about it for a while. Basically, by using 'that', she inadvertently indicated the person was an object. Not surprising. But there was more. The perceived idea was that he was someone of note, especially to see without a shirt, and further, looking was not a good thing at the time. Well, that added up to the entire incident amplifying out of control within my head. It was bad, but not at first. Time allowed everything to sink in and slap me like a flailed mace. I knew the meaning. I knew that she wanted to look more, and for good reason. I do it all the time. I stare, and my standard dictates that similar behavior from someone else is unacceptable and will cause an inflammatory situation with no resolution, because I will not allow such. I will focus, dramatize, and expand the incident until it becomes overwhelmingly difficult. It still is, more than a month later. I cannot help it in my current, weakened condition. My head is horrible with that sort of thing right now. It was a prime example of issue two and hit me worse than anything in recent memory. 'That'. Yes, I know it all too well. Not 'him' or 'her', but 'that'. I am going to analyze this until the cows come home. And I don't have any cows. The remainder of that day was spent in a hole. And before you try to put together a timeline, I will admit that a month-plus is ridiculous. It really is, but I cannot avoid the feelings. I fell down, felt extremely threatened by both the sight and her words, and there is still more. I see suppression and modified behavior for my benefit, meaning I am so weak and insecure that avoiding more words of the sighting was intended to protect me. It had the opposite effect. I realize now that the idea of the machine is clearer than ever. No issues. That day -- which I will likely tread over and over until the end of time -- is a clear demonstration of the thought processes which I fear more than almost anything. There is no end to it. None.

I am crippled by the memory.

I cannot stand the idea of someone trying to protect me. It's horrible to consider that I am so weak that a person will think in such a manner, but honestly I can see it. Regardless of me disliking a woman trying to spare my feelings, the whole fucking thing makes me upset. I have no control over a person feeling that way. Moreover, the problem of not knowing what is going on inside becomes inflamed beyond belief. And the largest issue is the statement itself. It indicated that there was indeed something remarkable to see and one hell of a draw, and in the end actually caused more damage than if she had said nothing at all. I remember it clearly because I see the object in question several times throughout a given week. I am out here enough to see plenty of people outside. One of the worst parts of this is the idea of discussing what happened. That would most likely point to me being even worse off than others may have thought. I know it, but that does not mean I need to advertise. As is apparent already, the impact of that one line of dialog has had lasting effects and hurts to this very second. I cannot even begin to describe it all. There is too much going on inside to begin with and I need no more pushes toward a lower plane of hellish thought. The fact remains that I am ill-equipped to deal with the simplest, even innocent reference. Everything multiplies inside and results in my gushing all this crap for days. Within my head? Worse. I may not recover from that afternoon. Ever.

All I need now is a pair of bouncing breasts passing by. That would be fucking poetic. Double. Fucking. Standard.

I don't know what to think because others' thinking is not under my control. Sound familiar? The machine... No concerns over such things. None, only comfort. I now believe that what took place and pushed such an observation is just a smidgen of what could be going on in her head. But I don't know. And in that lies one of the biggest issues ever to take residence within me. I don't know why, but it worries me to no end. Someone else out there drawing that type of attention. One person. How many others are there? Where are they? The television issues are minimized by what lies much closer, especially right there within view from where I now sit. This is bad. I cannot even say how bad because my head is so fucked up over it that the expansion may lead to me shutting this shit down just to make others wonder what the hell happened. And still there is more. Remember when I said nothing goes away? It's all filed neatly and awaiting a reminder. Well, that afternoon was a big one. Maybe the biggest, worst incident since the fucking restaurant. The words hurt me. Initially not too bad, but later? All hell broke loose and I am powerless to contain it now. Stop. Time to go to the vet.

I will no longer comment upon certain things which have been brought up here in the past. Part of me is missing, meaning parts of the site will now be missing.

Saturday morning. After the worst Friday I can possibly remember, here I sit like always. Coffee, cats, mindless television in the background. One aspect of my morning is very different. I'm not going to write about it, however.

Did I overanalyze up there? Probably. I don't care. And there is a distinct lack of detail which was carefully planned in order to keep people in the dark. I have to do that and will explain nothing. If you need more, just make up whatever sounds good. After yesterday, I don't care about much so do whatever you want. I never intended this site to become a diary anyway. I used it to comment upon whatever came to mind and exchange photos with family. Heh. Now it's nearly all I have left of myself, and I still don't know who I am. Not even a clue anymore. So, when I bring up a story from the past, it is generally viewed as a failed lesson. To protect myself, I can only go into so much. I don't even know what the whole paragraph is. To hell with it.

Reine 2

I have to run an errand today and then fully intend to do some relaxing. I need it right now. Yesterday was too much. I am very sensitive about many things and usually when there is trouble it takes time for me to recover. There was trouble times two yesterday, one here and one outside this space. I ended up fucking exhausted and could do nothing for the last half of the day. Yesterday I was feeling my sensitivity to everything and crafted those paragraphs regarding something which bothered me (still does). Now I see that the sensitivity has become a dictating force in my daily life. I simply cannot handle any difficulty these days. The smallest incident has one hell of an effect upon me and then I have to withdraw from sight and be alone for a while. This may culminate in an inability to be around women. I can't handle anything. Nothing. The slightest little bump and I do off the deep end and then go away. As the years have passed, those two incidents are still in there, and still growing. Now that I have aged into a decade which tends to cement personality traits and lessen the possibility of starting anything over. Whether or not that is true, I don't see myself improving in the future. If the past year is any indication, I will be holed up for the duration. Probably still sitting here writing, too. I just keep thinking and vacillating over and over day in and day out trying to answer questions that seem to be moving away from me. Like in 'Poltergeist', when JoBeth tried to run through the hallway but the faster she went, the further the door moved away from her. I guess I'm not really treading water, it's more like going in circles, yet each time I pass the same parts of my life I learn nothing. This is becoming so fucking stupid that I can barely believe I'm typing some of it.

Laura San Giacomo is in this movie. I had forgotten about her for a long time. Such a cute smile on that tiny woman.

More of my things arrived yesterday. Stuff for the house and my key chain, which is ever-evolving because it makes me smile. I'll probably mess with it today I suppose, and take care of the routine. All of it will be after the very-important errand in a couple of hours. Stop.

Marayna was the hologram (in the beginning, anyway) of Harry's desire. Lots of blonde hair. Not really very attractive to me, but her personality and charm were amazing. He was smitten with a being that did not exist in real space. Sound like me? The hologram could be manipulated infinitely, and I have problems thinking about it because such technology is unavailable to me. Remember 'The Sixth Day' from many years ago? It was an Arnold vehicle involving clones and holograms. Well, his coworker (I think, if I recall correctly) had a hologram in his home who acted as a housekeeper and more. She was sexy, rather over-the-top and silly, but that was his choice. She was also tangible, meaning he could interact with her on a physical level in the confines of his home. Don't nail me to a tree for this shit, either. I am expressing my feelings about a character created by others. I didn't do it. Thank you. Anyway, Marayna was vastly more sophisticated -- having been created hundreds of years later -- and far more flexible as a construct. Marayna brought many things to mind, from Gemma in 'Humans' with her slightly-robotic mannerisms, all the way to the incredible fluidity of Alicia in 'Ex Machina' a year earlier. I was actually smitten with both of them, but never the virtual girlfriend. She was cute and had a hell of a personality, not to mention the voice. Overall, she was depicted much differently and was intended to be such. Her part is minuscule when compared to the others, which were main characters. I keep thinking of a combination... Gemma and Alicia, or the virtual girlfriend combined with one or the other. I don't know why, but a hybrid seems appealing. Shaped and formed, dialed and written, programmed and controlled. There it is, folks... The lion's share of my daydreaming and something which can never exist. And I really need to stop going on all day about this crap. It's heading nowhere and helping nothing.

I am going to head into the new office later and move some things around. Keeping busy today will help me to relax some. I hope so, anyway. Lots of time must pass before the house feels normal again. Maybe months. As I said before, a piece of me is missing and now only resides in my heart and memory. Moving forward has never been more necessary. The television will remain light, too. Nothing dramatic or deep. Probably one of the Star Treks all day. I had to put on the Food network in the evening yesterday because the house was too quiet. It helped a little, I guess. The errand this morning will come and go, and I may swing by the hardware store for a few items for the bathroom. It just keeps waiting. I have also been thinking of continuing the site with much less provocative imagery. It's not necessary after all these years of displaying the forms. I believe the point has been made, so images that are lighter and more decorative should grace each entry. Perhaps I can find some which relate to the subject matter without appearing erotic. I've done it many times and these days I feel that the female images are becoming tiresome. They do not do for me what they have in the past and as such are unnecessary. I will not publish anything negative or in bad taste, either. The future of the appearance here must brighten. Part of the reason is my decision to include the sheer closeups of vulvae. That feels like a peak of sorts, and now I have to roll back down the hill and keep similar things away. That is that, and I am quite certain no one will mind the change. Stop.

Yesterday was not real great. The mood in the house since Friday has fallen dramatically, the other two cats' behavior has changed due to the loss, and I feel a massive, dark cloud over the entire property. It will pass, but for the time being the mood is crappy. The time at home is now more difficult than in the past. Not only am I dealing with a boatload of issues, the idea of returning to work at some point, and the loss two days ago, but I must also hold up others to a certain extent. I am tired. Everything will continue, but I am just really tired now. Before I ceased my only connection to social networking a few months ago, I had blurted that I felt like nothing more than a bottle of glue, and said glue may run out. I no longer feel that it will. Whatever comes along, I can deal with it in one way or another. For the time being, I am going to try focusing upon myself, though. Nothing is easy right now. Even the simplest of tasks feels heavy. I must be diligent.

As a matter of fact, everything feels different now... Dire, somehow, as if there will be no lifting of the cloud and whatever direction I choose will have a negative result. Even this work toward another entry has been derailed and I cannot seem to get the flow back to its initial path. Hopefully, I can get back on track today. The two names comprising this title were to be subjects as they relate to both my brain and each other, along with the idea that fulfillment is impossible. Fuck it, there's your summary. Nothing I haven't said before, right? I guess wording it differently for months is not helping. Things will change. I know it, and must ride out the storm as best I can. That has to begin today, I suppose. Sunday means garbage and a bit of organization. I tried to get out there for a little while yesterday, but it went south shortly thereafter. I just could not concentrate. The bare necessities were completed and then out came the booze. I suppose not every single day need be productive, but I really fell down yesterday in the afternoon. Some parts of life interrupt so wholly that nothing appears possible. One step at time. Today will be a step. I also have been keeping an eye on the cats as their behavior changed quite a bit between Friday night and this morning. I do worry as the older guy was with them since they were kittens. The loss of the eldest can be traumatic. Often cats are never the same. I hope not, and at this moment one is on the back of the sofa just as he was before. I really need them to be ok but there is nothing I can do aside from caring. Ugh... Nothing is easy with part of me gone now.

The site may change direction again, just as it did five years ago. I don't know yet. As I said, some time is going to have to pass before I can do anything substantial. Thinking is not easy anymore.

Yesterday the weather was warm enough to drive the inside of the house north of eighty. Yikes. Lots of sunshine and I didn't want it. So far this morning there is no sun at all. Totally gray. Much better, although I have an inkling that it will burn away and be bright again. That means anything I wish to complete will have to happen prior to early afternoon. I don't see a problem, really, because I will generally leave this alone at some point and press on. I still have coffee, the television is quiet in the background, and the house is peaceful. The cloud remains, however.


I've covered Melora as much as I can right now. Marayna, too. They are representations of two feelings going on inside these days, and after my viewing of the girl in the parking lot changing so much in the space of moments, I can see the draw toward Melora's desperate character. Sensitivity. Understanding. More. Eyes, too. All of it shined through because she is an amazing actor. I felt something similar in the parking lot when I saw that girl sans mask for the first time. That has since faded, to be honest, and I do not look at her the same now. Those few seconds changed everything, and now the faces and eyes are driving my thinking away from lines, believe it or not. Part of it may be the cloud right now, or something else... I'm not sure. My brain may yet revert to the manner in which it operated before Friday. Sadness is a toughie and only the passage of time can have an effect. So far this morning I am a tiny bit better and thinking of those two names at the top of the page and what they represent. Articulating the feelings has become tedious and haphazard. One moment I am thinking of the loss and everything goes away, the next I am clear and able to get the words to the screen. I put on a silly movie (comedy) from the late eighties to keep the mood light. So far I suppose it is working. Again... Time. At the beginning of this I had a full head of steam and sat ready to identify just what those two characters mean and how they relate to my current state of mind, but now I cannot concentrate. Maybe I'll cut this short.

Part of me is missing. Nothing is the same now."