09-03-2020 13:34 pdt

The site transfer went off the rails so we have reworked everything to remain here for the next few weeks. Nothing can be done about the errors until the hosting can be successfully streamlined. Such an operation is not under our control right now. So, here we are as before.


 read ( words)

"'Gray. We do not discern. Out there? Smoke, animals, future. In here? Smoke. A little. Depression. Flame. Remember 'Ignition'? It is gone, but here we are yet again. About to ignite. A lot of things are gone now. Look for them. We have arrived at the future of the moment, and the moment has left us at a loss again. Yesterday showed us that not everything we may need will be possible, and nearly everything is gone. Up in smoke, as it were. Flames. Not happy. We no longer see the way. The way is not there, gone somehow, taken from us or by us. We have arrived in some sort of space bereft of clarity and purpose. The future of the moment... Future of what moment exactly? The fallout? The damage? The proper penance? Where did she go? Was she ever there? How will we know if she returns? We are going to have to change some things in order to ensure the future is as comfortable as possible while remaining hidden away. The search late yesterday proved that we are just as bad off now as three months ago sitting in the new office and wallowing about the machine. No aspect of that futile activity can improve. None of it is possible anymore. We are destined to sit here alone and just spout over and over, day in and day out, until either there is no longer a method of recording thought or someone comes in here and physically takes us away. We are going to stay right here for the duration of the world and whatever it may have in mind for us. And then we will simply go with the flow, or however we may end up pushed. Why? Because the end is near and there is no reason to try anymore. And don't ask. We will not answer. We will sit here and ignore you. And then something else will happen. And then we will have a drink and raise the glass to that place others to which others elevate and aspire. But not here. Nope. We did this, others did this, something came along and did this... Doesn't matter.'


No driving today. Only typing and sitting and wondering where she is. Not Ashley this time. Her. The other one. Jaime? I do not know because I do not know anything anymore so figuring out who she is cannot be possible. Maybe if I put up wood paneling and some dark chair rail this room will be more friendly and comfortable for spending the rest of my life here. Wood paneling? And perhaps one of those old oil lamps from the seventies. The one which hung from the ceiling and had a waterwheel and those lines coming down from the top where the oil ran. Remember those? So cool back then. I used to see them in the Handyman just past the cashiers. All sorts of lighting, oil lamps, fans, and other things were in the middle of the store. I used to watch the oil run down to the bottom and then swirl after the waterwheel. One of those lamps would go perfectly with the paneling, especially in a corner. Hanging from the top and illuminating the room at night so I can see the keyboard without the backlighting. A little darker pain on the other walls and then lighter at the ceiling. Electric shades to black out the world like I did in the cave. Them outside, me inside. Jessica is in this film with Nicholas. I always like him in movies. Her? I have not seen as much. I remember watching 'The Prestige' and that was before I knew who she was. Anyway, I've seen this before. Something about a clairvoyant. Hmm... That would be interesting and put the trust problem to bed, possibly for good. No more worry about what she may be thinking. Like a machine, yet more relaxed. The idea is fascinating, yet impossible just like all the rest. And I see why many people went nuts over Jessica back then. Gorgeous. The wood paneling will not change anything inside, just make the room warmer like in the older days. Warmer, due to the wood. I have seen far too much cold while working in construction... Especially during trim time after we had been absent from a job while things were finished. We left when the rooms were rough and then returned to see what the place was actually going to look like when complete. Most of the time? White, stainless, gray, ugh. Cold. I never liked any of that, although I love the idea of stainless. Just not in a kitchen. I'd rather see wood as a connection to the outdoors. That's funny. A connection to the outdoors when the idea is to stay in here forever. I wish I could see Ashley's eyes right now. I could use her comfort. More? No, not right now. I don't even want to think about anything like that today. I have to push it away because I am not happy with myself. I like the idea of the paneling and oil lamp, but they may not be enough to keep the bad thoughts away. I am still going to look for her. The dream, the woman, the idea, the machine, the whatever. I have to search because if I wake up one morning without a reason to search, this will all be done.


The hardware store was fun. I had no idea of what most of the stuff there was, but I always liked going with my dad. Ah... Now I really see why so many went goo goo over Jessica. From the side, her rear end is bubbled out quite a bit. I get it now. Very curvy Not my type of thing, but other guys seem to like the rear end very pronounced. To me? I cannot get past her face. Anyway, we walked into that store often and there was a tube tester to the immediate left upon entering. I used to go and push the test button and see something light up. And then to the shopping for whatever my dad needed. Next door was the massive sporting goods store... Largest in the world, believe it or not. And then across the parking lot was Burger Pit. Counter service, I think. Hard to remember. The paneling sticks in my head because it was wood. Or maybe it was not real wood. I don't know, but back then the likelihood of artificial anything seems slim. I think it was actually wood. All this crap falling down the hillside, but Nicholas keeps running in front of it. Was that for drama? Why didn't he just run to the side and get out of the way? I didn't write the film. Whatever. I was talking about paneling and the hardware store. Julianne has the best name but sometimes she scares me. Probably the writing and direction, but honestly if I was at a party and she was there, I would not go say hello because I would be afraid. And she is little, too. Three inches over five feet. That's so funny. Six feet tall and I am drawn but not intimidated. Shorter? Worry. I don't know why. Maybe because of her language in 'Magnolia' which I had forgotten until just yesterday sitting in the new office. She didn't write it, though. Her job is to act in the manner that the higher-ups have described, and if I don't like it? Too damned bad. Don't like it? Don't watch it. Just like I always say about this site. I tell others to take a flying leap if they don't enjoy the content. That same scenario also applies to me. It should, right? I am fucked up but it's no one else's fault. I didn't like an expression she used (which I have heard from more than one woman, both in person and on the screen), but the whole of the film is important. Everything must remain in place because that is what they created. Back to the paneling. I remember seeing all the different colored samples and there was always one blue. Why blue? I still don't like it. I usually stared at whatever was the most rustic, or rough. I liked the idea of the room looking like a jungle, sort of. I don't know how to describe it. Like the drawings of houses I made back then, I think after seeing Disneyland in the late seventies. There is a pathway past the Enchanted Tiki Room that leads into Adventureland and on toward the big rides. After walking beneath the arch that announced the next land, on the left was the Tahitian Terrace restaurant across a little bridge. Well, at night the torches were lit and the water glowed with all of the surrounding plants waving in the warm summer breeze. That was the beginning of me drawing more exotic homes -- some with streams and waterfalls inside -- and that led me to the paneling. I really liked it because it reminded me of the beautiful theming all over the park. Paneling. One of those things about paneling is that you can slap it up onto the wall and make everything else go away. Hidden, anyway. Out of sight.


The tube tester came to mind many years later at NASA when I learned that most of the electronic equipment which controlled and operated the guns was tube-driven. I found myself checking tubes quite often and then thought of the oil lamps at Handyman. Damn did I ever want one of them in my room along with paneling. The little waterwheel turning with tiny lights on it. Activity, motion, or anything similar really had my interest. Like the miniature aspects of Disneyland, I was captivated. There was the Storybook Land boat ride which I shied away from for years because I thought it might be boring and there was no shade. Yes, even back many years ago I didn't like the sun. Whatever. Into the fall of ninety-seven, we went there for a week right after school started. The park was very empty and we had the opportunity to see everything, from Abe Lincoln to Storybook Land. That's right, we rode it because we were trying to experience everything I would normally have avoided. And it paid off... All those miniatures, lit from inside, motion, windmills, little streams of water. It was amazing and more beautiful than I can describe here. The entire route is isolated from the activity of people moving about the park. God damn she has some beautiful lips. Holy fuck. Anyway, that was also the first time I rode Indiana Jones, and soon after was the aforementioned realization that there had been much more going on in that park than I had ever known. I investigated. That was another story. The paneling brought me back to Adventureland and the appearance of exotic places that could partially be recreated on a small scale in my room. I dreamed of it for years. I still do, but now nothing is possible anymore. There is no mystery left in the world. No discoveries. Everything has been railroaded and then paneling slapped up so we just keep going in life with nary a glance to what is beneath. I'm so tired.


One moment I am a wide-eyed child gawking at the beautiful oil lamps and miniature wonder with a world of possibility in front of me, and the next I find myself with a sore neck from trying to shove my tongue as far as I can into a woman after scotch drizzles down my face.

There is no paneling to cover my mistakes."