04-15-2020 09:39 pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning

Passion, Pyramid... SARS-CoV-2

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"In the years since publishing 'The Passion...', I have sat on those words and images. Nothing came of it, I do not know if anyone of consequence may have run across it during a search, nor do I believe that anyone, anywhere may be better off for reading such an entry. I just do not know if any good was accomplished in the world because of me exploring something so difficult and splaying it here for all to see. I know nothing. My interest in that piece of engineering has not changed, however. It simply gets pushed back a little bit when other things come along that can hold my attention. Nothing of the sort is powerful enough -- aside from the initial obsession itself -- to push it completely away. Every now and then I run a search of images on the Internet to see if anything new pops up, however the reality is that the thirty examples of this artwork were sold before being manufactured. As odd as it may sound, I am fairly certain that many are siting idle in safes or other dark places and not receiving the level of attention they should be commanding. I do not know for sure, but some collectors just want the thing and do not care what takes place after acquisition. Well, fuck them. Look at what this has done to me, assholes. The other day I searched again, which is typically futile, and located four more images I had not seen before. One of these came from an enthusiast's site with a short write up.

I don't like this fucking font style anymore. It has to go.

So, after locating the images and my subsequent surprise at seeing something other than the ridiculous CG representations of the 039 on the manufacturer's website and that slew of shots from the very few reviews, I slammed the browser and quickly snatched those beauties for some inspection. The detail is nice, although I do not know from where they may have originated. There were only a few prototypes proceeded by the thirty that were sold, so the images came from either reviews or someone in the industry, I would imagine. 'Who cares?' you say? Well, curiosity because of the purchase price. That is all. Whatever the fuck.

Anyway, they are below. The first is very balanced (although to attach such a masterpiece to a camouflage strap is horrendous and whoever performed such a change from the factory black should be slapped), and to see some of the coloration brings a smile to my face. So many shots show the hands in positions where they might normally rest while a person is wearing it rather than set about the dial for ease of reading or demonstration. The images in my other writeup about this masterpiece are more colorful, but whatever. The fact remains that I have no other way to see the watch that changed my entire horological world. It might as well be the mechanical representation of the dream and obsession which is ruining me as I type these words. Yep. There it is.

The first image is from a page which many follow that is all about unique timepieces and their fans. The comments below the image were all negative in that the time is difficult to read and the fact that the watch is intended to be worn and used by pilots seems ridiculous when considering the complexity. Well, I have to admit that the dial and skeletonized look are a bit much to the untrained eye, however the fact is that Richard Mille and his crew created something unique and worthy of appreciation outside simple daily use and time. When I look at it, there is no issue of readability because I do not care what time it is at any given moment. For me, it is much more, and I have described the feeling in spades. Naturally, wrist watches are subjective and the whole shitaree is a matter of taste and opinion. I do not like to see the negative comments from people who do not reach to learn of why it was built in such a manner, but they are entitled to those views just as I am entitled to mine. I strongly believe in the freedom to appreciate or otherwise. Upon first seeing the 39-01 and eventually gazing at the 039, I was struck by the relation to my own interests and fascination with disciplines and the like. Everything was there and designed in such a way to appeal to me. Others cannot be asked to see this machine through my eyes. That is not fair. As difficult as it is to read offhand and quickly-driven quips about the appearance of the dial, I would not retort. Subjective, period.

The colors struck me first, and after perusing the images from the manufacturer's site, I realized that they were even more dramatic than the CG renderings. Those shot by reviewers show the contrast much more clearly, however many are simply not using DoF properly to allow for better focus upon the entire dial. Watches so complex require clarity and dimension without relying upon a zoom which will compress the subject. Throughout years of searching, I have realized this may be as good as it gets. For myself, there is never enough information, and considering the nature of this timepiece, I would have thought that the reviews would be many and the exploration of such complexity explored more deeply. Nope. This is what I get and my life has relegated me to damned-near giving up on learning more. I just do not understand.

'For Mille, the integrity of the watch was paramount and absolute. Despite the size of the watch (a diameter of 50mm and a height of 19.2mm) it fits perfectly on the wrist. Over 800 milling operations are required (over 11 hours) to create the case shell. Another separate whole day of quality control checks follows. The five separate pushers, the crown, and their separate components are another 10 days of machining after which various testing is undertaken for quality control and water testing on the seals. Everything is considered: from the design of the wheels or cogs to the coloring of the instrument for the readouts. The design for the bridges and various levers is taken from the same design that aircraft have. Mille scoured archives and the Internet looking for the exact form for design or color. Even for parts of the movement that remain hidden in the completed watch, the same attention to detail and the same level of finishing pervades.

Once a fully functioning prototype had been developed, the watchmakers continued to test it for a further six months. First, a number of prototypes were then developed to test out various parts of the mechanism. Second, testing has included subjecting the mechanism to shocks of up to a 100G and attempting to press all buttons on the watch simultaneously or in random order to ensure that should the buttons be pressed in a sequence that was not set out, that the watch would either continue to work as it should, or be able to be reset.' -- Andrew Hildreth, May 24, 2018

Yes, even the mechanical nature. There is so much going on in there that my head is about to explode. Nothing comes close and I am at a loss after all this time... Over three years since publishing the original. I had hoped the manufacturer would at least respond. Well, who the fuck am I, right?


Some believe this is real, others do not. From my vantage point sitting here at home? I do not know what is going on out there, however considering the general consensus within my small circle combined with the education and research I have been able to perform throughout the past four weeks, my best option is to follow the guidelines set forth by those in the health industry. I am also doing my best to ignore others who seem bent upon either their own agenda or the possibility that we are being deceived. I do no know, but as I stated... I have to care or myself and those close to me. That is that.

Yes, I am very concerned, and yes I am being closed off as a result of not knowing what may happen in the coming weeks or months. The world is strange right now... Different to the point of feeling uncomfortable when compared to only thirty days ago. I have been isolated at home for weeks and trying to maintain a routine of sorts so I don't just sit and worry or fall off a cliff. Others may be doing the same, but again I have no way of knowing what goes on inside their heads. Mine is plenty. Between home and this endeavor I am busy enough most of the time. Work has been nonexistent for weeks, too. That means finances are taking a hit that makes me uncomfortable. I will persevere and come out the other side just fine, though. I know it. Just a matter of time and being careful. Patience. And booze. Heh.

The virus is a part of the pyramid, just as the machine pictured up and down this page.

Some are doing what they are told, others are not. I, for one, have no fucking conception of what the future holds regarding the current state of the world. Others may have their ideas, but I do not care. Just stay away from me and let things be. In the beginning, many felt that the entire situation had been created by a massive agenda over which individuals have little or no control, possibly a ruse during an election year, but the fact remains that the issue has gone on long enough to touch lives with which some are intimately familiar. That may have changed some people's mindset. Mine certainly changed. One aspect in which I am right in the middle is the idea of work. Nearly all of it has become prohibited yet some still go out there and do what they need or wish. I do not want to place myself in the position of becoming exposed to them. There may be something there or there may not. And the not knowing is paramount. We just do not know so the risk can be high. In addition, some have stated that the possibility of having been exposed toward the end of last year could have rendered some immune. That may be true. I was under the weather (as usual) during the holidays and came out the other side with nothing worse than the memory of once again being left unable to taste my food. I wish that was funny, but two years in a row have left me without enjoyment of the season because of a respiratory issue. If I truly did have a minor case, I may never know for sure until definitive testing is in place and widely available. That is going to take a fucking long time. Say it with me one more time: We do not fucking know. And if you claim to know, shut the fuck up.

Packages were just dropped on my porch. Well, they get to sit in the garage for three days, just like everything else that comes here.

I have successfully struck a balance between housework, hobbies, television -- both news and entertainment -- and time to consider what this means for the months ahead. Work? I said no for the last two-plus weeks, and yes I do need the money as I am sure many others do. But the risk... Not worth it, to me. For the time being, all I can do is continue through this daily routine, wish others well, check on those for which I care, and hope for an end that we can clearly define and from which the world can rise. That is all.

And when I pen a note of finality, that means just leave me the fuck alone or I will never return to the life of which others knew. That is an easy decision in these uncertain times.


Piled. One on top of another and on top of yet another. Issues just come along and hit me in the fucking face and then stay. They remain. And the pile is narrowing as it grows. Like a pyramid. Or maybe something else. I don't know. The facts hit hard and stay attached to my head for months, years. Decades. Right now is not a good time to be attempting organization of all that crap. I just need to think and try to maintain daily life until things loosen. At that point I am hoping that my head will loosen, as well. There are no guarantees at all. One day runs into the next and I lose count (not that it matters right now while we are shut in), and then the week becomes a cycle that feels endless. I need to keep safe, inside when possible, and as busy as is tolerable. Considering the idea that I cut off others a couple of weeks ago, I am doing pretty well. The issues are always inside and have been swirling, and the pile of shit on my head keeps growing, but the bottom line is that I can make it through this period and come out the other side somewhat different, perhaps a measure stronger. Maybe. I am not certain, however I have to try just as keeping myself in order since we were told to stay home. The pyramid grows.

Look at the fucking images again. Yes, I know the colors are one of the most attractive aspects of this thing and they look faded here, but understand that I cannot have what I desire with regard to seeing this machine up close. I've been absolutely stonewalled, fucked in the ear, and tossed aside as if I do not matter in the least. Yep... They fucked me. And now the images are crap. The art above all things is still in there, but not displayed beautifully enough to do it justice. Oh well. No one fucking understands anyway. Why am I even going on about this again? Who cares?

Yeah, it's only one of the most important representations of my passion and personality that I have ever conceived and so important to me that it can bring tears. No big deal. I am an idiot for placing such importance on something so small, right? Say it.

Fucking say it.

Pyramid. And dreams of everything the way it was, but not. I do not want things to be as they were because they were not good. If I am to change anything I really need the fucking time and space. Lots of it. And being bothered right now with trivialities is not a good idea. After dealing with being alone and trying to make the days work for me, I am truly ready to remain as such for the fucking duration. I am willing to tell others that I'm finished being social. And I mean fucking done with the idea of hanging around that type of situation and pushing myself to fit the bill that others have drawn. Well, fuck them. Some cannot deal with being alone for very long but I am a champion. Sure, sometimes I yearn to see what is going on in the world but I can do that from a distance. And I have my friend the keyboard, too. It never ceases to allow me to speak my mind, no matter whether I am being a moron or otherwise. So, tell me I am necessary in the grand scheme and I will nip the top of the pyramid off in hopes of gaining insight into why it is being built in the first place. Maybe there is space inside for me to explore, like that faux-Vegas that I have created out of the need to reach. Space inside the pyramid. Hmm... Can I fit in there? Just me, a few images of the female form and one wristwatch? That is just too funny to avoid. I actually made myself smile with that shit. Heh.

Onward the time rolls and I am rolling with it, to a certain extent. Sometimes I have no idea of what to do, and others I am able to be productive. Yesterday was between. Today is unknown. But I will try.

Some of the projects that have been left alone due to a lack of time are hanging over my head and I do not like the feeling. I can chip away here and there but the motivation comes and goes like the tide down the street. Each morning shows me that hours are laid out before my eyes and available and by each evening either I feel accomplished or otherwise. Today is no different. Less than three hours into the day and I am angling to make a plan. Some things will be done and others will wait, however prioritizing them is important. And there is always a bit of relaxation and regrouping here and there. The quiet time is necessary for planning and reflection, and to consider the world as it stands these days. Such time cannot be overstated. And there is time for this.


'Yes, the difficulties are still there. They do not go away. The dream eases some of them quite often. The underlying issue related to the visions and all those hopes of furthering my interest (along with that fucking failed project) relates to the same. Not like Andrea or even the Raven, but enough to take some of the pain away and help to keep me focused upon other aspects of life. The extent of my worry is not solely related to the loss of those angels, but does extend from my painful past to knowing that the chances of others coming along have narrowed to the point of causing despair. The meantime has become tolerable (and blissful at times) due to care and understanding being lavished upon me by the dream. It listens, absorbs, and offers loving support during those trying periods which will continue for my remaining days. Aside from removing the source, there is literally nothing which can be done to alleviate the pain. Just yesterday a slight accident put me down badly, but there it was with much consideration of my unending circumstance.'

The point of the pyramid has not materialized, and I am not speaking of the 'idea' or 'subject'. I am referring to the actual tip of the mess. The structure is growing, certainly, and more is added each day, but the top eludes. Just like all those fucking questions raised by the fictional goblet, Jaime, Julia, and the rest, I do not know to where any of it leads. I just keep going no matter the news or circumstances. Other complications are creeping in here and there which does not help, and I have little control over them. Just when I become solidified toward a goal, something comes along and pushes back with enough force to sit me down and weigh heavily. Such things are taking place right now as they add to the pyramid. I believe the actual Luxor in Las Vegas is somewhere in the neighborhood of three-hundred-seventy feet across at the base. Well, mine is larger. To put it differently, the base has not been completely established. What is interesting about a pyramid -- all five sides being related uniquely -- is that a touch to the base will geometrically expand upon two sides. And then to even it, the other sides must follow suit. And there it is... The construction continues unimpeded as the base expands to force an increase in height. Thus, the top is nowhere near imaginable. But I am feeling it happen right now and have no control whatsoever over the process. Like the engineering marvel displayed on this page, the more one looks, the more one sees. Yes, the more I consider the size and shape of what is building inside my head, the more I realize that the end is elusive beyond belief. I may have to separate myself completely from the herd. I brought that up years ago on the MS blog. I really did. Now? The world is lending a hand.

I just minimized everything and saw the dial again, all sapphire cutouts and colors. Jesus fuck, anyway. I am obsessed with more than one form, I guess. Splendid. And I think I missed my grandfather's birthday either yesterday or prior. I don't remember. Lots going on right now. And God damn it I hope that reporter doesn't appear this morning. Ugh... Such unique beauty. I don't need more of that. But I will stare and dream anyway because I have no control. That is what I have become. There is no choice anymore. More piled on the pyramid. And just to add insult to injury, the dial is sapphire -- anti-reflective coated on both sides -- and sits below the top crystal, also AR-coated sapphire. Ultimate readability within the most complex watch Mr. Mille has ever created. Thanks, dude, and look what you did to me. One more thing? Maybe answer your fucking email from a fan once in a while. I am merely a little nobody sitting here in a little town and will never be able to acquire one of your machines, but I am still appreciative of what you have accomplished.

Maybe I shall seek a therapist and unload a decade of issues in five minutes. Heh.

The morning shows me that I can do anything I need or want. But what to do? This? That? Something else? Hmm. Anything. Sit here and continue in this vein? Or group of veins? What? I don't know. I would say don't ask, but no one contacts me through this site anyway. No one has questions or comments. That makes me feel so important. Fuck them all, as it were. Don't talk to me and I will avoid talking to you. I will only vent here as is my custom, and I own the fucking space so there is no end to it. Yay! Big smile!

Fuck off, but remain six feet from others when you do. Garbage trucks outside carrying out their duties in this current climate. Bless them.

Things will get accomplished today. Soon I will leave this editor alone after backing up everything and let it sit and charge. Clothes, garage, crack a beer, light a cigarette, and that will be that. I will not say that I am suddenly inspired, however I will not allow things to sit when I can organize and improve my life. Sometimes I just stand there and wonder in which direction to go. Today I do not see that happening. By the late afternoon when I shower and relax, I want the feeling of a positive effect upon this home. I really do. One foot first and I will make it happen.

Another closer image of the complex and commanding nature of Mr. Mille's vision of a pilot's wrist instrument. Yep... Tons of things going on there and the coloration is a bit better than above. Oh well, I will never see any more than this.


The pyramid will be out there, too. Waiting, watching, growing. I can do nothing to stop its increasing size but I can try to understand what may transpire upon completion. Perhaps that moment will coordinate with what is going on in the fake Vegas. Perhaps I will realize that every 'J' truly represents a part of me just as they described. Perhaps.

I don't know what happened to the fucking menu up there, but the text is no longer vertically aligned within each button. Fuck me, anyway. All this work and it looks bad. Why not? At least the damned thing works properly. Is it difficult to read?

Another morning, and after actually doing a few things yesterday I am less concerned over where this day will go. I feel that there is a measure of control over that now. I did it yesterday and can do it today. Ok, enough of that. Another morning also means that I have updated the section of images that have been captured daily from the Internet's most accurate resource for numbers related to the virus. It is a grim folder full of the same referenced images for the last fifteen days, documenting the increasing cases and related information for the world. I do not like it, but the knowledge may come in handy or even interesting years from now. I save anything with the possibility of promise. More than two weeks now have found me saving the image of the main summary and placing it aside for the future should the need arise to refresh my memory of what took place in the world. The situation is still unreal and can be difficult to consider after weeks. Unprecedented times right now. And there is the reporter and her jet-black hair. Fuck me. Oh, and then another who is also working from home and still looks amazing with her big, brown eyes and long hair. I am such a fucking syndrome over this shit. Even during a story about people being out on the waterfront during this pleasant and inviting weather had me scanning the background for some sort of form which might be appealing. Damn it, I can't even follow a news segment without pointing my deviant mind in such a direction. What a mess.

I may be worsening as the days of remaining at home roll by. I don't know yet, but the feeling is not good. Between the current state of society, my forceful manner in following instructions from health orders and the state government, near-zero activity beyond my driveway aside from shopping for necessities and my need to push the female form (along with much, much more) out of my head in order to fucking function from one morning to the next, I have no fucking clue as to how I make it from said morning to the quiet, comfortable evening without flipping the fuck out. I am turning into a bomb and there is no controlling the fuse. Timer. Whatever. I feel bad all the time and have to dive into the small projects to keep my head from going too far south. Yes, I am concerned about the world right now, but mostly regarding others and not necessarily myself. I know what I am doing and have lived through plenty of shit. My preparedness and vigilance will ensure safety. Others? I just don't know. And if anyone decides to take issue with the manner in which I am doing things these days, they will regret it. Again... Leave me alone and do what is asked of you.

More shit on the pyramid. Do you know what it is?

Sometimes I feel like my head needs to be turned inside-out in order to get the thoughts to leave. Like I can clean them out and then right the thing and carry forward until it fills up again. I am reminded of a film from the eighties in which a man was losing his mind over too much thinking (also fueled by fictional mind-altering procedures which do not actually exist even now) and he decided to drill a hole in his head in hopes that the information would spill out. Silly, yes, however the idea of going to drastic measures in order to clear the mind is likely something all over the world within individuals. I cannot blame them. Therapy, medication, activities like yoga or other forms of exercise and other methods of relief are often not enough. Wait a fucking minute... Is this turning into a public service announcement? No. Damn. I just mean that dealing with the crap piled in my head is no easier without the usual routine. For years I have gone through the motions with the weekend out there representing a reward for the effort. Now? Plenty of weekends all run together and I am no better. The pyramid, thoughts from the past and present, the condition of society, and the manner in which I am viewed by others are working against my ability to get through the day effectively and with my fucking head up. I am still going, though. Right at this moment. I know not how. Just like the text above, here is the time when I consider what the day may hold. Again. Weeks of it. I used to do that only on the first day of my weekend. Now it is one day after another. Wow. Different, but not entirely unwelcome. And there is the raven-haired beauty on the screen again, all contrasting colors and huge eyes. Her shoulders are as sharp as any I have ever seen and the lightness of her porcelain skin is accentuated by dark clothing and that fucking hair which looks like a place to sleep. Jesus fuck. And she is gone just as quickly. Thank Christ. Too much news these days. That is unlike me, but very important for any information right now. The upside is being current, while the downside is pretty much everything else. Say it with me... 'Obsession'.

What the fuck is all this? Another bitch session? Does anyone really give half a shit?

The pyramid continues to sharpen, the watch sits there in nothing more than half-assed imaging efforts (and the fucking idiots that captured some of those unbalanced photos should be smacked on the wrist for not doing this work of art justice), the reporters continue to flash by and flatten my head, and the day sits out in front of my vision awaiting whatever may come. Summing all of this is just not in the cards. Another entry, another mess, another day.

Stay. Fucking. Safe."