October 26th, 2020 9:01am pdt

One section of the archive has been removed. Nothing else happening right now other than the quest to switch domains. Status quo.

Reverse Katie

 read ( words)

"Ah, the older Miramax logo followed by the third incarnation of the Universal logo. Damn. And on film, too. That is a sight I should embrace, lest I begin to berate the advancement of motion pictures again. No one wants to hear it.

Sunday morning. Football and garbage, chores and quiet. So far, just the quiet. Coffee, too. Soon I will get away from this and take care of a few things while maintaining the silence. Yesterday's problem which also reared its head a week ago is still floating around inside me. I can't help it, although late last night I did think about some defining moments from decades ago which may have swayed my thinking and helped this problem become enough to cause worry. Years later I relaxed about it (I suspect, anyway), but now I am feeling those times in the long past and they are churning fears into butter. I may speak of this, or I may not. I can't stand the aftermath anymore. It's been hanging there in the back of my mind for almost an entire day. Just crap. I am going to try and keep the chores and game in focus for the time being and shelve the other shit until I can deal with it. No big production for the game like two weeks ago, either. Just a simple affair this time. I'll have the necessities complete an hour prior to kickoff.

While browsing the images for possible inclusions here, I ran across a stunning shot of one of the pools inside Balboa Park in San Diego. And yep, that is where I saw Jaime and pointed my big camera at her. I even panned around and located the courtyard in question and the restaurant we visited afterward. All of it is right there. I guess the years made me forget because none of it really mattered until stumbling upon the goddess of the universe, as it were. Anyway, I found it. One more tidbit, I suppose. The image is below.


I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over the obsession and all the entries which gush. This began yesterday while partially revealing fear over the imagery and people who threaten my view of myself. I don't know why now, however. Perhaps the underlying truth is my being unfair when it comes to such a dramatic double-standard. I cannot be certain as of yet. The conversation yesterday began to veer toward opening myself more but I ceased it due to a lack of free time. Had the topic continued for long, I may have ended up on the floor and in very bad shape. The whole thing scares the hell out of me. There are two subjects related somewhat, one of which might be illuminated today. It's tough, but I am thinking that the correct understanding ears may help. Time will tell. Unfortunately, I can't be more specific here. Too much exposure and uncertainty will grow and the only way I would be able to continue and describe the feelings would be to lock everything. So far, my efforts in doing so have not bore fruit. Today may end up being a mass of defining moments the likes of which can help or break me. Scary, to say the least.

I can be very unfair when it comes to vocalizing my feelings about beauty. Here it doesn't matter because this content is one-sided anyway, like a diary of sorts. While around others it is different, however. I have been known to go on for quite a while about someone out in the world or an image on the television, but when the opposite takes place I become hurt. Clearly, that is not fair. I should be treating others differently. And yes, there are many clich├ęs and euphemisms one may attach to such behavior but they will not assist my analysis. I have to learn of why I feel this way. The obsession is mechanical, mathematical, and something exploratory, unlike desire. But I have felt that, too. Not often, though. Does the frequency make a difference? I don't know. Do my interests in structure and numbers sway the idea of me being so vocal at times? I don't know that either. None of it is up to me, as I can go on all day about how I feel but then clam up when others do the same. Again, I have to state that there are parts of me missing.

If I understood that last sentence, perhaps I could do something about it. Until then, all I can do is continue to try protecting myself.

balboa park

I never intended this to become such a problem. If I just open myself and let everything go, enabling others to drop their guards while around me, I will either withdraw completely out of fear, or be forced to accept their feelings and hold myself up from the inside. I just do not see the value, though. I have never been able to maintain balance when it comes to anything threatening, and believe me when I say there have been situations in the past which nearly destroyed me. Those times may have solidified my fear. Again, I don't know. All sorts of facets, this crap.

Even going back just two years I was not like this. Not as bad, anyway. I felt comfortable speaking, listening, going out here and there among society, and enjoying the media. I can still do the same things, but the gears inside begin to mesh in bad ways. I can't believe I nearly spilled some of it. So scary. The floor is something I know well, yet do not wish to be there again. After that crap more than ten years back, the idea of bowing to my fear and falling apart is nothing I wish to explore any longer. I have to remain upright.

Fear may be the most powerful force governing my actions. Ugh. Not good.

Unfair, but maybe I can reverse my thinking. Or, reverse-engineer the manner in which I control conversations and social situations. Maybe? I've tried it before, roughly nine years ago, and ended up in very bad shape. The idea was mine and I was next to a woman who could be very outspoken at times, so I thought perhaps I could just go with the flow of our conversations, no matter the subject, and then learn from the experience of communicating as I never had before. Well, she took the reins and ran. Very quickly I was hit with the realization that changing myself or my behavior for another person was not a good idea and would result in disaster. Though I knew by that point that she and I were doomed, still I tried and failed miserably. I was left with more discomfort than I thought possible. She was not necessarily vulgar, just very matter-of-fact with word choice and subjects. Her preoccupation with the sexes and sexuality drove me into the ground more than once. I simply could not be like her no matter the effort. And then I knew... My uniqueness (don't slap me for that one) would be lost if I was more like others. That was that. In time I shut it down harshly. Soon after? No more 'us' for so many reasons that I have not the words.

The above paragraph means I tried to be fair and nothing good came of it. Can I change such a fact?

I fail to understand the athletic shoes combined with a suit, and those ridiculous collars which jut out to the side rather than pointing down. Fashion is going bad, one outfit at a time. Eh, I am in the minority anyway. No one gives a fuck.

Twenty-six thousand lines in six months. The entire site was less than that after fifteen years. Something is very wrong with me.

The house is still quiet into mid-morning because she is sleeping. I have plenty of time for my chores before the game, though. I used to get rather worried if my daily routine was delayed for one reason or another. Now I am not. The day is long and I can work around it. I have no doubt that by evening I will feel accomplished and able to enjoy the relaxation and dinner. Most of the time when I am held back awhile before being able to get things done, I seem to find the drive regardless. As I said, the day is plenty long enough for whatever I wish to complete. I'll get there soon enough. On top of being positive about the chores, once in the middle of them I seem to let go of the sadness over the past. That is good, and it tells me I can rise above adversity even while feeling weakened by so much lately.

columbia pictures

At some point each day there is discomfort in my midsection. It could be all of the time at home for seven months, the lack of options I am seeing while searching for work, or the four issues. Honestly, and I have said this before, number four is not something I view the same as years ago. I see it as an ongoing project to be studied and either accepted or reversed. One of those will come to pass. No doubt. Three is out of my control, yet it does seem to ease while in certain situations when understanding is present. Two? I don't believe it causes physical problems. I am trying to work with it. And as for one, well... That has become the easiest to put into perspective. It is smaller than half a year ago. The combination of all four could still be driving my insides, but I can't be sure. Or, everything rolled together may be the key. All I can do these days is try. Those comfortable moments help. They are seldom, but still there.

Work is a toughie. At my age, opportunities are few when considering my lack of education or certification in many disciplines. Employers appreciate the commitment involved in achieving such. I need to seek the right fit for me but I just don't know where that may be. Leaving my job months ago seemed the right choice at the time. The state of the world helped, as well, but now I am feeling as if my physical health and my head may have been better off remaining in that line of work and dealing with the inherent difficulties. As the end of the year approaches (along with my typical fall at the outset of the new), the worry over finding work is increasing daily. This may be the central cause of stress. Perhaps I can consider everything and organize it all. So far, I've had a hell of a time, but as I recently stated, I still have hope. Yes, I said that.

Some difficulty, some understanding. The multiplication of many concepts drawn with cold detachment has become treacherous. Survival has traveled from 'difficult yet necessary' to 'dire'. I am trying to reconcile too many different fears and ideas right now, meaning the load on my head is nearly too much to bear. I may break, and soon. Already flying around at breakneck speed are unrelated concerns which do not let up. I carry the load every day and hang on for my life while the search for moments of solace is ongoing. The horrendous downside is maintaining pace and keeping my head up enough to venture out the other side to a place I feel comfortable inhabiting. I see gates, trees above the wall bending in the breeze, and my future, veiled and obscured by clouds. Again, the beginning of wisdom appears, like an apparition bent upon ensuring survival: I do not know. I just do not know.

Ah, there is Katie from many years back. So different, and for some reason seeing her standing at five-nine is more of a pull than others at the same height. I know not why. There is something, though. Might be her arms, I don't know. In this film she is twenty-four or so, and I did not have an appreciation for her look until more than a decade later. The younger version of herself in this film is goofy, flighty, and frivolous, yet she still stands out. Once again -- just like with Ray -- I cannot put my finger upon why. With him, it was her face and braces on her teeth, but there was always something else, too. In all these years I have not figured it out. I see her right now up there in a tank top and looking so silly in her outfit, and believe maybe her arms are the key at times. Long and amazing, defined, slender. Hmm. Her shoulders? I don't know. As I said, she is much younger and not as attractive as after she passed the late thirties. Whatever. Mystery woman, I suppose. Like several others, I had no real appreciation for her appearance years ago. They all seem to pull at me more as they age. Just another woman I cannot understand. One thing? She was thirty-six years old upon first appearing with Ray, and within the next three episodes I was more smitten with her than nearly anyone. It faded, but five years later she is still one of the most beautiful women in existence. Kind of funny that I cannot say why. Younger? Nope. Approaching forty? Oh, hell yes. So unique. I guess the height thingy lends a hand, too. It's not going away as I had suspected months ago. Katie is an unparalleled example. Maybe her eyes. They are enormous sometimes. Eh, to hell with it. I haven't figured it out in five years, so perhaps I should stop trying, although I have devoted quite a bit of space to her appearance. I just wish they had costumed her a little better to take advantage of all those dimensions. God damn her, anyway. She forces me to calculate with functions I cannot comprehend. Heh.

I am still wrestling with interrelated references from the past and the newest pins which are doubtless being jammed into a voodoo doll somewhere in Creole country and by a witch doctor created in my mind. Self destruction takes many forms. Still problems, no matter the effort in any direction, including trying to find the root causes to those many situations which bring me down. A word which, when used in the proper context, centers the issues and forces them to congeal. I then draw a harsh conclusion regarding the situation and everything slams at the same time. This continues now just as it began so many years ago. They combine immediately. I told her yesterday that too often when something takes place to send me flying, several problems attach themselves to whatever is going on and break me. They all point in the same direction. Within seconds, my head ceases operation toward anything else and I cannot concentrate. There is an immediate, overwhelming need to hide away for days on end and just think about everything. But I do not have that option anymore. Yes, I have the hours on most weekdays when I am alone. Nothing is enough, however, and due to the lack of my being able to seek what I need so much, I end up forced to withdraw and then everything becomes compacted and shoved aside. That is not good because nothing is worked out. And then another situation arises and piles itself atop the unresolved issues and the whole thing begins again. One little notch downward at a time.


Maybe I'll make it, maybe I won't.

Once again she is on vacation, which means I will not be alone as much this week as I am accustomed. Usually when things end up turned on their ears, I try to get some things finished which have sat idle for months. The attic stuff, organization in the garage, or perhaps the hauling of the stuff out of the yard to get that area neatened up. I'm not sure yet. I do intend to get the usual chores done in and around heading out to the store mid-morning. Like yesterday, they will not take much time. And then I can delve a little into some other items. Also, I am going to pick up some priority boxes for shipping off small things that will be listed for auction. I have to ramp up the cash for a little while. Hmm... Maybe her face, all chiseled. Like, really chiseled, even in her mid-twenties. Shit, never mind. I'll stop. Just a Katie flare, nothing more. What was I saying? Ah... The chores and projects. I will admit that this morning I am feeling as if the holidays are bright and hopeful. The light is coming up outside and all that I wish to do today seems easier now. I don't know why, though. Maybe I am simply feeling the holiday spirit this morning. The air is crisp and cool, the sky is clear, and my head is remaining pretty well organized so far. Perhaps this week will be better than the last in which I was not fully alone.

Damn, she is so tall.

I am not wording any of this very well aside from Katie. I guess she struck me upside the head this morning for some reason. All of the feelings and fears have to take priority, although if you already know about my dealings with physical attractiveness and the thousands of lines devoted to my attempt at working it out, you probably are familiar with how that discipline can derail me at any time. I suppose this morning is no different.

I tried yesterday. I really did. The words came forth but now seem clumsy. The time may not have been right for me to try and articulate the process which takes place in my head during certain moments. It's not a big deal because I can try again later, but still the whole thing bothers me to a certain extent. This morning it's easier to see things clearly, but I am alone with the keyboard. Unfortunately I can't be specific. Protection... Always protection. I know what's going on but it must remain in the dark for others. This is for me, no one else. At least I tried, and will again when the time is right.

Sometimes the idea of one event or one word bringing me down like a house of cards in a strong wind feels out of balance. How could I have become so weak? Oy, I never liked Demi. Never. She is one of those who intimidate me for some reason, however I put on a movie starring her and George Dzundza because I need something in the background. And her co-star is pretty. Ugh, I don't know. But Demi always irritated me. I remember watching the one with Michael Douglas and the film was really good for the time, all high technology and wonderful visuals, yet Demi's character was a female corporate shark... Hellishly strong and forthright, as well as reprehensible. She was written well and played it even better, but even all these years later -- like more than two decades -- still I don't like her. Wait a minute... Wasn't I speaking of something else? Ah, yes, weakness. Again I feel very small. After revealing the manner in which so many facets of being male all end up rolled together after certain situations take place, I am worried that I appear different than just a year ago. I must consider what took place and how to move forward for my well-being. I need it.

So much difficulty stemming from one event. Either I am better for it and stronger than I believe, or I am still falling down. I have been very up this morning because of all the hopeful aspects of fall. This is good. Deep inside is another story.

Geez, half the fucking town is in this film. Frances, Bonnie (with dark hair and looking stunning), Jeff... Wow. Unfortunately, Demi ruins the whole thing. Heh. Frances is cute with her goofy mouth and cheeks. Reminds me of Leeta a bit. I don't know what that lower mouth thing is. I've never been able to spell it out. Eh... Bigger fish this morning. And I have to get this to the web.

columbia pictures

Adding everything during our conversation yesterday was tough. I mean, not in my head, but saying it out loud. I actually said it. One or two sentences, nothing more. I did it. Small, yet again.

As positive and hopeful as I may seem at times, the truth is I am not doing well at all. The enjoyments and distractions from my issues are still helping every day, but the depth of the rest is increasing in difficulty. Holy shit... Mary's fucking shoulders. Oof, sorry. The fact is my fear builds so quickly at times that I feel helpless to alleviate it. Everything slams me, like those two words mentioned above as they define one of the biggest problems inside. It was instantaneous. The entire past, problems with relationships from many years ago, the football, the restroom, all those examples of everything I am not, and then piled on top? Not knowing what is in a woman's head. Once something takes place, I curl up into a mental fetal position and am reduced to skin and bones. Weak bones, no less. Well, it happened and I can't do a fucking thing about it. After all these years I am exactly the same little boy on the levee. Scared, weakened, and frail. I am very happy that the high wind warning has avoided this part of town. Otherwise I could step outside and be blown over like the twig I have become.

One thing I may be able to change is the reverse of what was mentioned above. Inside I might still feel tinges of the beauty issues and obsess over appearances, but I have to keep most of it within or I will end up just like the others. I can't have that right now. I am a good person. Realizing that I've been so fucking unfair is bad. Reverse. To the rear. Backpedaling for my life.

Hmm... You're not going to like this, but much could have been avoided if those kids on the levee had killed me.

I don't want to be me anymore. I just can't do it."