06-27-2020 08:45 pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning Threshold read ( words) "And here we are. Or, more appropriately, here we are again. Another Tuesday which carried me from coffee to editing to housework to organization and right straight into the drinking. Heh. Welcome back. The show was with me nearly all day, and now has given way to the food network since we are nearing dinner time. I saw a few episodes that I did not recall in detail. I swear, that series may have only gone through four seasons before cancellation, but it really took off in the third. Yes, they fucked with the timeline too much and altered/created history as necessary to keep viewers interested, but I have to say the acting and character development were really good. I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the last two seasons. Good stuff. I am not just saying that due to swooning constantly over Jolene, either. The show did well... Writing, acting, storylines, everything. And Jeffrey Combs was slated to be a regular had there been a fifth season. Damn. He is awesome. Today worked nicely. I took care of all my daily business and then ventured to the office to move stuff around. The result is more room and better access to needful things. Oh, I just referenced a King novel. Oops. Anyway, the previous entry is ready for polish and I am beginning again. You will see images of Nora here because I am a basket case over all three women and the idea of putting them together for my own distorted purposes. I almost titled this entry with a name which goes back to an episode of TNG from season six. The name would have been representative of the emotional nature of the character. She was very feeling, open, and honest. Due to my recent bout with becoming overly enamored with all things impossible, combined with my heart being roasted alive by the merge of the three, I decided to use her beautifully unique last name to relate some such experience as I have not felt before now. If that makes sense, anyway. The woman was adorable, with big, brown eyes which expressed complete openness. She was raw, sensitive, and gentle. I am heading in such a direction these days and felt the connection might help drive the point home. The point is the three. Them. JJN. Jolaimora. And you probably thought I was above a portmanteau of their names. Guess again. Be happy I avoided the use of intercaps. The frame will be outlined down the page. Wait. And holy fuck do I ever need to get the drawings back. The fantasy home must be developed, and soon. I need it/her/them/whatever. My brain is overloaded like never before. So, as good as today has been, the underlying issues will not let up. The dreams are continual and I cannot extricate their faces from my head. I fucking need them. Her. One. I don't fucking know anymore. As I continue to degrade and fall into this pit that has been created out of years of desire and a distinct lack of true fulfillment, the idea of withdrawing further and pushing against sense is becoming more necessary than my routine. Yes, I just said that. Read it again. Such is the me. I have to keep pushing until all of the crap is stripped away and I am down to the bare necessities. Me and my stuff. That is what will be left of what I was. I need them, can do exactly fuck-all about it, so my steps must be chosen more carefully these days. Today was better than yesterday. That much is certain. Morning. Nora is there, bless her face. Oh shit, she's here too. Heh. There was a dream involving a mansion. And the goddess. The scene was strange, and I felt as if I was there only as a guest. Possibly for a tour because she is aware of my interest in the big homes. We were in the kitchen and I could see elsewhere on the main floor. The ceilings were very high, everything was trimmed in wood, and there were stairs leading up to a second level, possibly more. The mood felt surreal, like I was not supposed to be in there for some reason. I knew the home was hers and there were more who lived there. I did not know them, however. As we moved through the kitchen, she was pointing out plumbing issues which I was eventually going to address. I kept finding more and more leaks. Looking under commercial dishwashers showed me a river flowing across the floor. Very odd that the water was still on. While looking around more, I was anticipating seeing the rest of the home. I was fairly excited about exploring. Within seconds I was outside the house looking at the walls. I was searching for something and had to make a hole through the wall in the correct location. The person accompanying me was and is a mystery. I have no idea to whom I was speaking outside that house. Awake, confused (not badly), coffee. And here I sit. We have gotten along famously nearly all of the time and the dream was no different. The feeling was that of affection and appreciation. The meaning behind such a scene escapes me aside from relating to the faucet I replaced the other day. I was not searching for a woman, getting lost in overly-long hallways, or anticipating any arms around me. Whatever. It's gone. Today. I did really well yesterday and am hoping I can keep that momentum going. Again I will not be alone for most of the day which throws a wrench into the machinery (heh), but still I can get some things done. I may actually drive to the fucking store, believe it or not. My idea to run video into the new office took a step forward and I may go and get a small television. I have a location all picked out and a more powerful and higher quality splitter is on its way. My mind is not yet made up on the new television, though. I'll have to think about it more. Spending money on this type of thing is not a big deal, really, but I do need to remain vigilant about it. As much as I have enjoyed the show audio in the new office, taking a step further must be fully analyzed before action. Another facet of this morning which is ruling my brain? Desire. Still there after all these fucking days and still no way for me to fathom why. It's like a tornado, hits that house then hits that house then misses the next three. Randomness? I don't think so. More likely I just don't understand. Jolene yesterday. Nora this morning. Jaime constantly. But the only focus was Jolene. Why not the other two? Did I not already go over the idea of how the desire relates to feeling love? Or am I merely bringing that up to avoid what may be worse? I don't know. Jolene is a person and what I feel is for the character. Nora is Lucy. Lucy is a person and Nora is the character with whom I am goo goo. Not Lucy. I've fucking gone over this already but have not the first clue as to another way. Maybe I'm wrong, anyway. I awaken in the morning and am absolutely dying to climb all over her for hours, days, whatever, and then I sit here and wonder why. Is this futile? I need some fucking help, or something. The feeling is overwhelming and drives me to be reckless. Due to my sordid past, such is not a good state for me. I have done well thus far, I suppose. I'm still here each morning, right? If I were elsewhere, the reactions would be written here in one form or another. I still have one part of my brain in the pants this morning. I really do, and not the fucking avocado pants, either. Those are nearly gone and do not move me as they once did. The young nearly-nude fucking goddess of artwork at the pool last year? She still stirs feelings a little. Walnuts? No. Jaime? No. Nora? A tiny bit, if at all, and it flashes to and fro very quickly. Jolene? Every time I see her, although in gazing at her big eyes, the feeling reforms into guilt and I squash it. Person, even as the character. The truth is this bout with desire is fairly nondescript. It points nowhere specific. Haphazard, worrisome, powerful. I see no way to deal with this as of yet. And don't give me a shitload of lip over the way others feel. I have not the time nor the inclination to include myself with a group of fucking sheep. They mean nothing to me and I will not relate this issue or any other with them at all. Ever. Fuck you. Shut up. This is not something which has gone on for years, either. Only since earlier this year have I tried to work out why that dream flipped a switch inside me. Still nothing, no insight, no answers. The little hint that my desire was previously unrelated to feelings of the heart has all but vanished. Just another cherry on top of this fucking sundae that will not go away. Had I not experienced such a pile of trouble this morning, the entry may have gone in a different direction. And that means I am getting away from the subject for the umpteenth time this year. I will have to work on it later. Don't really want to do this anymore. Maybe I'll just tell stories and relate the work of each day instead of this ongoing fucking painful journey that seems to lead nowhere. Just the work. Today and tomorrow. Sometimes this show is fucking stupid. I need to get more stuff out of the garage. There are boxes of things to donate, but since March the services which pick up have not been operating. Some of the crap can go in either recycle or trash, but I have a hard time tossing useful items. I'd rather they went to help someone else. I guess I can just find a better, more efficient way of storing everything. I have lots of time. Heh. Still home each day and still needing it. We will see what takes place over the next few weeks. That will determine if I can go out and donate things or if I will be working. There is Nora again. I was thinking this morning that when I described the way the others are ignoring or otherwise leaving me out of their activities I was not far off, and the situation may actually be worse than I had originally considered. This is over a month now. One little exchange a ways back, a friendly message from me on a holiday, and that is that. Nothing. I am half concerned and half angry. Wait... Scratch that. I am leaning toward angry more each day. Communication is truly a two-way affair and I reached then. I have not lately. My concern is that I am being left out for reasons I do not know. Part of me needs to know and part does not care. Honestly, I am not the type to lash quickly -- or maybe not ever -- so I will continue to sit on this and remain quiet. If something changes I will report here thanks to having nearly a zero fucking audience anymore. Becoming angry over this solves nothing. There is time and space for thinking, so that is the plan. Quiet, peaceful consideration. In my travels today I will do my best to get my head together about this problem. I will not reach out at this point, however. That ship sailed weeks ago. I fully intend to move the big audio system from the old office to the new, after which I can donate the current components to my neighbor. Right now he has a very small radio in his garage. I no longer play music in the house, so it is an easy decision. I still need to add two breakers for more circuits out there, too. That will take time and much cooler weather. Another drive into the city and back. Again the anxiety reared its head and then subsided as the car rolled into town. Afterward, everything within me calmed by the middle of the ride home. I am here now, much more comfortable, and alone. The show (my family) is in the background and once again my time is all me. Thank Christ. The weather is very warm like yesterday which means I will not be tackling anything physical. The higher temperatures and full sun are beginning to get on my nerves, to be honest, and I cannot wait until this area finally cools. Before the trip north I took care of the daily duties and that means now I am able to relax some. A few little tidbits here and there, protein for dinner defrosting, and peace. Very nice. Tomorrow I will not need to leave the house at all and that is wonderful. Perhaps more of the garage work can continue. The mercury dictates. And Jesus holy blue fuck in a pearl thong is Jolene ever fucking beyond comprehension. Damn it anyway. I will not stop watching this show. She is an enigma I simply have to deal with. Into the mid afternoon we go. Very warm, but not unreasonable inside. I may drag this machine out to the office and sit in the breeze. Usually when I am out there I see different ways of dealing with the space. Lots of staring and calculating the best way to do things. I never went out there yesterday. The breeze continued to cool and it drove me into the house. Nothing in the office was completed other than simple organization. No worries, though. I did not set out to do anything dramatic. The day ended up very relaxing. This morning? The same, although I dumped my usual show out of the need for calm. Too noisy and the episode in question was disturbing, believe it or not. I flipped over to science fiction while I still sit with coffee. Today I do not need to drive at all. That means a little more time to myself and a mostly-free schedule. There will be lots of words. Pause. I drove anyway. My car has been sitting for a week and the opportunity arose after yesterday, so the routine made its return. Now, I am here alone for the type of day preferred. Upon reaching the destination this morning, I noticed the tall one (avocado pants) dropped by the coffee house to pick up refreshments and then drove away. She was wearing gray today, and looking lovely as ever, but my head did not react as before. I saw her there, all lanky and carrying a bouncing ponytail, yet nothing took place inside me. Something changed after she faded throughout many days. It could be the three. I don't know, really, but my head was just fine as I watched her gazelle across the parking lot. If you know me, the height factor is always a draw. I see it first. And after she left? Another just behind my car with a gorgeous pile of hair and slender nose. Again... Nothing. I looked and appreciated her appearance, dropped into the seat, and made my way home. Here I sit with neither of them swirling. This is very good, especially considering my penchant for damage upon gazing at such forms. I am fine. The show is in the background, garage doors open for ventilation, and coffee next to me. My chores await. This is the type of day I have needed for a week. Once the incident took place, I was not alone for more than a short period here and there as the days passed. Now that the situation is back to normal, the comfort of being in control of the atmosphere and my time is setting in. I have the usual things to care for today, all the while feeling better than I have since last week. Excellent. I might order a television for the garage today. Not sure yet, but it seems a good idea and is not very expensive. Threshold. Let's get into it. And there is Jolene in her thin pajamas. Fuck me in a shuttlepod. In the last entry I mentioned that there had been a thought which popped into my head that may be having an effect upon my issues with desire. I cannot go into detail, unfortunately, but I will say that since writing those words I have realized the situation is not abnormal. It was a dream during the days with the Brunette as she had brought it up on more than one occasion. Wow, this half-Asian woman on the show. Tall. Yikes. Whatever. Anyway, she offered to set something up for my birthday -- as a gift -- but I felt far too intimidated to allow such to happen. The woman wished to please me in a manner I had only imagined prior to hearing her words. I was taken aback. Like, way back. Her big, beautiful eyes expressed love like I had not seen for a very long time. We discussed the matter for a little while over the typical beer and whiskey, after which I declined and described my hesitation. Since then, my head has gone over such a thing many times. I am now considering that passing the offer on was not necessarily a mistake, however the idea still frightens me. Always in the back of my mind, especially when I see the Mojo girl or Jolene. This is something I could never seek, though. Circumstances would have to be pretty fucking unique for something to happen. The likelihood is nil. Time has passed, I am way out of sorts these days, but still... Not so far as to allow my judgment to falter. I have no idea of what could have taken place in my head afterward. That is the scary part. Any situation involving desire or something physical remains in my brain perpetually. Back then, and certainly now. There have been no dreams, images in my head are minimal, and as intriguing and possibly rewarding as it could be, the fear will keep it away. That is that, I think. Nothing more. The threshold of this is inside me because there is a possibility of it happening should I push. Ok. Onward. Another line. Look at Nora. Little hearts floating in my peripheral vision. Machines. I feel what I feel and no one can do anything about it. Needs. Desire. Control. One-sided? Not at all. I will never agree to that because as a machine there would be absolutely no feelings of any kind. That is part of the point. Selfish? Yes, I cannot deny it. But everything physical is selfish to a certain extent. That is natural for a person. I have discussed such things with more than one therapist and was given the same answers as to my questioning the desire inside me. So, don't give me a blast of shit over the subject of control. There are people out there constructing dolls that move and others are purchasing them. What I suggest is completely fictional and very advanced. It is also likely the only way I could ever be happy. And don't say it... I realize how this sounds. God damn her fucking shape. Ugh. Jolene. Sorry. Trip was just lectured on becoming emotional over a physical relationship. Yep... Don't fucking get me started. I suppose the entire machine subject could be defined as another obsession, or possibly the combination of two. I don't know. The amount of space dedicated to this subject has become ridiculous. I can't believe it right now looking at the site and all of the statistics. Five-plus years ago I wrote 'The Air'. Now look at everything. If the machines are truly causing me to become obsessive again, well, maybe in five-plus more years this site will not have changed. The search for understanding will continue. I would love to know which aspects or events in my life narrowed my vision of happiness so dramatically. Machinery. Really? And as related to three women. Would you like to figure this out? Control? Physical attractiveness which will never change? Never mind. I am not going in a good direction here. Plus, it is morning again, I am sitting with coffee, but the vampires are not on the television. I went toward a movie instead. Just like this writing, I had to make a turn to one side or the other for fear of repeating myself. The content is indeed going in circles. I am going in circles, too. Whether or not the issues have been fully explored, I can only go on for so long before becoming completely disillusioned and/or running out of things to say. I will try to go elsewhere. I will also attempt to cease gushing about the three. Yesterday was ok for the most part. I finished a few chores and had a guest who brought lunch. Today will be just me. After the drive I will likely sit here a bit and then take care of business for a while. My head is pretty well spinning after publishing 'Jolaimora' and I need some time to recover. Two realizations are enough at one time. Issues. Problems within. Visions. Sometimes I have no idea why I still do this. Originally there were four more images of Nora here, but this morning I decided to remove them in favor of something generic. I've seen plenty of her and the idea has been hammered already. My feelings have not changed, however the site need not follow my head at each step. The weather is warm and sunny again. I am getting fucking sick and tired of this shit. Every day. I waited twenty-five Goddamned years to live by the ocean and each visit was very cool and generally foggy. Now that I am here? Bullshit. My mood is being affected by a lack of low temperatures. The warmer the weather, the hotter my attitude toward almost everything. Jolene again. I think I am still in love with her character. Such a fact will help exactly nothing. Anyway, the morning drive is complete and I do not have need to go again until possibly three days from now. Very nice, although there is comfort in the routine of traveling back and forth. By the time I miss it, there is the road again. The schedule adds a necessary aspect of my day. Structure. With so much free time, the temptation of lying around all day and eating or watching television is always there. So far I am doing fine, though. I have the daily business, this exploration, and whatever extra projects I wish to address. Today may be some work in the bathroom which is horribly overdue. I need to clean the tile, caulk along the bathtub skirt, and then measure for the three pieces of base. The garage has been greatly improved and I nearly have the room to move an old table out there from inside the house. The audio system is disassembled and ready to move. These changes will help both spaces quite a bit and I am happy to take care of them. Onward and upward. Hopefully by the end of my time and before the drive this afternoon, the table will be out there. Of course, anything physical is rather temperature dependent. Thus far, I do not see moving things around, but time will tell. For now, coffee and this. Feeling that I have been left behind is not helping. If I see an attempt to contact me from one of the people in question, I plan to ignore for the most part. I have to push an object lesson toward anything like that. Others need to know of the damage which has been inflicted. Are they thinking of me? These are others that I have known and been close with for years. To this very second, I fail to understand what has changed. I recently mentioned the work situation, although I did try to make that right. Nothing in return. So, short of something taking place with the power to change my mind, they are gone. The words will not be pleasant. On to this day. I mentioned some of the work that is before me, most of which I truly enjoy. As a creature of habit, all I need is a show in the background and some quiet in the house to get things done. I never fail, nor do I slack off with the daily stuff. It's important to me and equally valuable to maintaining normalcy during this unprecedented time in the world. God she is beautiful. Amazing, unique, striking. Ugh, I cannot ever say enough. I'll stop. The dream of a machine is intimately related to her appearance. You have no fucking idea of how that image looks to me at this point in time. After all of the gushing over the goddess of the universe, Jolene, and Nora, the bottom line is difficult to swallow. That rhymes with wallow. Heh. I am all the way in. And I was supposed to be talking about today. Oops. Ah... Who cares? All of the grammar and structure of writing that I have studied is going out the window anyway. The site is mine and I will do as I see fit. While gazing at the images on this entry, listen to 'Zero the Hero' by Black Sabbath. The excruciatingly harsh guitar distortion, Ian's amazing, evil voice, and Tony's lighting-fast finger movements across the fingerboard during his lengthy solo will move you beyond words. In fact, don't just select that song without listening to 'The Dark', which is an atmospheric instrumental that bleeds into 'Hero' nicely. The two should be taken as one. I am not asking. Do it correctly or don't fucking do it at all. Context is everything. The images take me to a place unknown and impossible, just like the music. Epic, haunting, amazing. Good God the peace right now is therapeutic. I need it like oxygen. And 7600 lines since the discovery of Jaime, or whoever she is. Ouch. Where am I going? My words are going to become more harsh in the next several entries. I no longer have reason to candy-coat anything. Oh. My. God. Her eyes are huge. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Oy, derailed by Jolene once again. Sorry. Too many parts of life are pissing me off to no end. Irritation over the others mentioned above, the fucking weather which can kiss my ENTIRE ass, and then two overlapping, interrelated obsessions pushing buttons over which I seemingly have no control... Too much sometimes. The anger will drive me to display uncomfortable things in the garage for when the lighting is complete. I cannot go up from here right now. Things are pushing. Pushing as I take in air. Fuck me. Due to such a combination of shitty conditions, the only comfort I am finding these days is the daily routine within which I am cocooned right now. The evening is nice, too. Dinner, cocktails (if I don't repeat yesterday with a glass of whiskey before ten-thirty), and some friendly television in the background. Usually that is the food network because it is safe. So, the daytime is ninety percent of me. The rest just sits there on top of my brain and forces me to attempt finding answers. Well, there are none, damn it. None. I have been asking for years. Add that to seeing Jaime again and the multitude of shit which has flown off my fingers for weeks, and then throw in the fucking machine dreams and you can see that anything which has the ability to allow me solace becomes more important than imaginable. But the questions never stop. Neither does my lack of happiness. This threshold beneath my feet will either be crossed to yet another pain in my fucking ass, or a place where I can organize my thinking and accept some truths. So far, I am nowhere near that side of the room. Still mired, deeper than ever. Threshold. Pain. Dissatisfaction. Too much. Um... Over 8000 lines now. The number above is incorrect due to me not updating the spreadsheet. Oopsie. Perhaps I would be better to tackle one issue at a time. Possible? Well, they are all related, so separating and identifying each may not be easy. Issue one seems to drive all the others. Should I work on that exclusively? Or have I tried for too long? I mentioned several incidents from many years ago which have either simply contributed or often inflamed the problem and researching each has not helped. At least, I do not believe my effort has born fruit. If true, this may mean that there is no clear answer. If you have read about my trips to the goblet, Florida, the Midwest, and all those women with whom I have been involved, and then the Raven, you may see that I knowingly dove into each situation with eyes open and decisions that could have helped me having been sidestepped like cracks in the pavement. I knew what was bad and did it anyway in hopes of the comfort that I value above all things, including my future. I see no way out of that. Even long-term relationships have suffered due to a distinct lack of fulfillment. The main problem with this fact is my dream of machinery. So, there is another issue spawned by the first. Ugh. See? There seems no way out and no solution aside from the miracle of me eventually accepting reality. But even that would be flawed... Fulfillment, control, other aspects which drive my personality would be completely absent. Those are problems all their own. Ugh... Again. Lots of that. Issue two? It was born out of a lack of something within. Confidence, self-esteem, and the like are just not where they could be and I have no idea of why. Another fucking question. While watching television or out in the world it is often at the head of the line. I am intimidated and threatened beyond belief and would seem to have no reason for it. Historically, I have been embraced in very positive ways. One would believe such behavior toward me could help negate the issue. Nope. Still there... Bad sometimes, not so much during others. Again, I don't know what to do aside from dreaming of the machines. And there it is, another relationship between these fucking situations. Control over a machine would eliminate any possibility of threat. I cannot know what is inside a person's head. Even if told over and over of nothing there, my brain constantly manufactures the fear and threat. It is apparent and so fucking harsh that I cannot get away. I end up withdrawn and sitting right fucking here. A therapy session with my doctor the keyboard. And yes, I have already confirmed that this helps, but keep in mind I am alone. With a woman near me everything goes right out the window and I lose the ability to reason and rationalize. Jesus fuck, what a pain in the fucking ass. Back and forth, up and down, every Goddamned day of the week. That is the main force driving a threshold. I need it, but have no idea if I can actually draw a line and step across. I feel helpless and weak... Powerless to make any change -- no matter how small -- and come out the other side feeling as if I am stronger. Not only does this seem fruitless, but I am going in circles again. Damn. Maybe I'll have a drink while cleaning the kitchen. Hmm. Maybe. The show is fantastic right now. We have German soldiers from the fifties in a shootout with aliens and gangsters. Heh. So cool. What about issues three and four? Do I have the power to rid myself of two which are so difficult? Not at the moment. Number four is partially beyond my control due to the past, and such an aspect was understood and completely accepted quite a boatload of years earlier. Partially. The other part is related to one and two. It is a weakness that I cannot stand sometimes. Wanna hear it again? Related to the machines, too. Yep, I am all fucked up. Hopefully not beyond improvement, although the more I explore, the more that problem appears insurmountable. Control, too. Christ, Jolene is amazing. I will try to maintain some distance between seeing her and spouting what is continually in my head. No one will like it. Remember the labia comment regarding those avocado pants? Multiply it. And then go a step further and imagine such indecent thoughts being related to every fucking issue I am carrying. I don't even know how in the holy blue fuck I am still here after all this time. Now, don't get your fucking shorts all in a twist. I am not that person any longer. Sometimes I just say it. No worries, I am not going anywhere. The fucking threshold is out there, somewhere. I may never see it. The outfit Jolene is wearing... If I live to be three thousand years old I will never have enough words to describe what I feel while seeing her like this. Nada. Loss. I cannot believe that she is beginning to take over all of my interest. Nora is fading, believe it or not, and Jaime is standing beside Jolene. The woman on the screen (her character, as I know nothing of the person) is so far up the scale of every single fucking detail of physical beauty that I cannot understand one bit of it. Unbelievable. If this is a phase, we shall know soon enough. If not, I fully intend to write about her for the rest of my life. I need to climb into her huge eyes and sleep forever. Fucking hell, anyway. Thanks, doll. Thanks for pressing the remainder of the female populace down a million notches. Sorry about that. I think I do love her more than in the past. I'm already fucked in the head, so why not gush more? Right? Fuck it. They cast Joanna Cassidy as Jolene's mother. Good choice. 'Do you really believe that a human and a Vulcan can be in a relationship?' Heh. Good point, although since I already live in a fantasy world, why not an imaginary romance between Jolene and me? Never mind. I'm such a mess. I took care of the essential duties for the day, unpacked some items that arrived today, and had lunch. Other than that, the speakers are now in the garage for the changeover. The weather is really putting a damper on the work. Normally, much more could have been accomplished by this point in the afternoon. The garage is too warm to be on a ladder and the sun is baking the yard. Inside the house is not bad, though, so getting the usual stuff done has not been a problem. All the while, my show has been in the background with Jolene up there on two televisions. She has effectively derailed my clear thinking with her vast beauty and facial expressions. I am out of my mind for her. Between the weather and daydreaming of lying in her arms for days on end, my time at home has been lacking. Ugh, as usual. A good idea would seem to be avoiding the show, but I cannot miss her because I will miss her. Make sense? Are you thinking that Jolene is moving to the head of the line? She may well be, and I am not surprised of my weakness yet again. Jaime is still in my heart. I love her. I love both of them. Splendid. Tomorrow is Saturday and that is usually reserved for the outside work. Garage, yard, and the like. If this warm pattern continues, I may sit here all fucking day and do nothing other than exposit my needs. Why not? If tomorrow is cooler, I will mount lights so at least one adventure is complete. I never got around to the bathroom today out of a lack of ambition. The warmth really pushes me down sometimes. One positive is the new splitter for video. I can now run cable to the garage for the upcoming television install. It works more smoothly than the inexpensive splitter that I installed at the beginning of the shelter order. Every now and then the unit would lose its way and leave me with snow on one screen. That is not a big deal as I am stretching their advertised cable length by twenty feet. Overall it has performed as expected so I hold no hard feelings. I needed an additional outlet and support for digital audio, so a replacement became necessary. I will order a television soon. Immediately after? Jolene on three screens. Say it. Go ahead. And now, where from here? More little projects? Ordering pizza every day and becoming overweight because none of it matters? The happiness to which I so often refer seems to be moving away faster than the Andorians can come up with bullshit. I don't know what to do and am tiring of typing that phrase. I've got the four issues, Jaime, Jolene, physical problems that will never go away, a lack of friends now, and other than sitting on my sorry ass and enjoying good food, there is little to go on. Booze? Of course. I had a nice drink while cleaning the kitchen. I used to do that after work or on the weekend. Now? Nearly an everyday habit. I am being forcefully reduced to few options and I am going to spit like a fucking camel. Try me. Jeffrey Combs is so awesome that when he raises his voice my arm hairs follow suit. Unreal talent, that guy. Sometimes when I see him I think that what would have been nice is to be as good at anything in my life as he is with acting. Words fail. Considering the on and off issues with this series, he is one of the highest points. Fantastic, always. Where was I? Ah... Nowhere. Maybe for the time being, or at least as long as this heat lasts, I can focus upon getting more crap out of the house and garage. I still am hanging on to several boxes of things that were supposed to be donated but no one is picking up. Even the trailers have been closed for two months. All the stuff just sits there and gets on my nerves. So many differing issues are working on my brain that any distraction or accomplishment is huge now. I suppose tomorrow before the sun is high I can go through everything and compact it for the time being. Even when Jolene is irritated or showing lots of dissent, I would still suck her lips for all I am worth. God damn her anyway. Be happy the words are not going further. Yet. Heh. In less than an hour I will be on the road with all of the assholes flooding the beaches. I usually leave more than early enough for any condition and then wait in the shade with my puzzles, but still... People are being stupid right now. A touch of release on the previously-stringent orders and they flip the fuck out. I realize that after two months people need to get the hell out when they can, and when combined with this shit weather everyone wants to go to the beach. Well, there is going to be a flare, sure as Satan has red underwear. I will not be a part of it at all. Home is safe. Honestly, I really don't want to be around them anyway. Here I sit for the duration. And back for the evening. Dinner is a simple affair tonight so I have free time to sit here and rail on about whatever. And the whatevers are piling up these days. Going south and then returning involved a bit of uncertainty as to the timing, so I arrived there early to be safe. Well, sitting in that parking lot with puzzle in hand can be sketchy at times. Today was no different. One of the employees who had been borrowed from another location strolled by me on the way to her car. I've seen her plenty of times throughout weeks but something changed on this occasion. She was different to my eyes for whatever fucking reason. During mere seconds of her being in my sight, the inside of my head performed a series of calculations and the numbers sharpened immediately upon her disappearing. And then it went further beyond simply seeing her walk by. Much further. Problem. To be completely clear, I instantly wished to climb inside her blouse and ravage its contents. A beautiful, large, round, supple pair of bouncing breasts. Where in the fuck did that come from? I do not know the woman. I am familiar with her professional appearance due to being there twice a day for more than a month. Sometimes she works and I see her, other times I do not. Now? Those breasts are floating around in my head. Why? And why right now when I have so many other issues going on? I don't need this. Yes, her chest looked prominent in the black silk against her otherwise slight build, but I have seen her many times and felt nothing. This is different and I have no fucking clue as to what changed. One day she is there looking cute and walking by, and the next I am yearning to breast feed. Fucking bad, any way you wish to slice it. I have already been full of desire toward Jolene, today being no exception, but this afternoon was quite unexpected and I feel bad for thinking such things. Yes, you read that correctly. I feel as if I should not have been gazing at her in the first place. Looking at a woman walking by is nothing new, as my years of protracted descriptions can attest. But... What happened? Am I getting that bad? Loosening? The walnut dream only involved a few. In trying to understand how that developed, I sought answers regarding the two at the pool last year and the frightfully young actor in the commercial. Well, she faded out of view -- as did the older sister from the pool -- and I chalked it up to some sort of temporary infatuation with sexuality. At no time did others stir me so much, or for so long. The avocado girl came and went. I even saw her again and nothing happened within. This shit today is really working my psyche and I do not know what to think. The fact that I feel guilty for watching her bounce across the parking lot may be a step in the right direction, however. If I felt no remorse? Not good. I am still me... The person who can analyze until clarity takes over. And now I have to leave the subject alone because the breasts will not leave my brain. Perhaps such an incident is trying to force the threshold of my life. Stop. Ugh. At least the house is cooling into this evening. One down, one up. No more Jolene today. Back to the food network. Good God do I ever need such a change. I do see some faces here and there which drive me to drink, but never does it go further. Glimpse... Gone. Not bad. These days I really don't need anything else piled on top. I am already starting to slide down the mountain of shit. Tomorrow is Saturday and I have some things to install in the garage, as well as plant supports to assemble for the garden. God willing and the river don't rise, heat will not avert my intentions. I need to move forward with some of this stuff before I get pissed off. The issues generally move to the rear when I get busy, so as long as Mother Nature cooperates, I can get out there for more than a break. Also, my idea to add video to the garage for daily enjoyment is coming together nicely. I believe in the next week or so I can have a television dropped on the porch, after which I will put together a little platform to hold it. Nice. Also, the weather needs to cool enough for me to get up to the attic and drop some wire for the ceiling fan. That project has been idle far too long. I will take care of the usual daily stuff, too. The show will follow, I may have a drink or two, and spend some time here in preparation for moving this mess into the production environment. Steps. And the forest. I am there, partially. The move cannot happen quickly, though. Changes must take place a little at a time for me to follow and absorb each one. I will admit that part of the catalyst for the forest taking place for the first time in many years has been the others ignoring me. They helped to solidify my mindset. I thought the forest might be a good idea, and then people around me changed some and drove the point home. Well, the funny thing is no one will like it, but they helped make it happen. Sorry, assholes, you pushed. Now I am pushing back. Don't test me. One foot into it. One more and you'll know. Let the abrasive, fatalistic and uncomfortable side emerge. Suck the fluid out of it. Is there anything I have failed to address in this entry? Pissed off, full of desire, confused, in love with fantasy, still creating my own universe, and no questions answered. Why would anything change? I will give up. I swear to Christ as I sit on this fur-covered sofa, I will fucking give the hell up. The only downside to such a fact is that when I shut myself down, no one will hear it. Too bad. Believe me when I say that they really need to. When I speak loudest, it is without words. She is out there." This site contains mature content Created by REN in Microsoft Visual Studio 2022 Copyright ©2002-2024 Brandywine Engineering All rights reserved All other trademarks, logos and graphics are the property of their respective owners Questions? Comments? Gather your thoughts and compose a message to the assholes in charge
06-27-2020 08:45 pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning Threshold read ( words) "And here we are. Or, more appropriately, here we are again. Another Tuesday which carried me from coffee to editing to housework to organization and right straight into the drinking. Heh. Welcome back. The show was with me nearly all day, and now has given way to the food network since we are nearing dinner time. I saw a few episodes that I did not recall in detail. I swear, that series may have only gone through four seasons before cancellation, but it really took off in the third. Yes, they fucked with the timeline too much and altered/created history as necessary to keep viewers interested, but I have to say the acting and character development were really good. I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the last two seasons. Good stuff. I am not just saying that due to swooning constantly over Jolene, either. The show did well... Writing, acting, storylines, everything. And Jeffrey Combs was slated to be a regular had there been a fifth season. Damn. He is awesome. Today worked nicely. I took care of all my daily business and then ventured to the office to move stuff around. The result is more room and better access to needful things. Oh, I just referenced a King novel. Oops. Anyway, the previous entry is ready for polish and I am beginning again. You will see images of Nora here because I am a basket case over all three women and the idea of putting them together for my own distorted purposes. I almost titled this entry with a name which goes back to an episode of TNG from season six. The name would have been representative of the emotional nature of the character. She was very feeling, open, and honest. Due to my recent bout with becoming overly enamored with all things impossible, combined with my heart being roasted alive by the merge of the three, I decided to use her beautifully unique last name to relate some such experience as I have not felt before now. If that makes sense, anyway. The woman was adorable, with big, brown eyes which expressed complete openness. She was raw, sensitive, and gentle. I am heading in such a direction these days and felt the connection might help drive the point home. The point is the three. Them. JJN. Jolaimora. And you probably thought I was above a portmanteau of their names. Guess again. Be happy I avoided the use of intercaps. The frame will be outlined down the page. Wait. And holy fuck do I ever need to get the drawings back. The fantasy home must be developed, and soon. I need it/her/them/whatever. My brain is overloaded like never before. So, as good as today has been, the underlying issues will not let up. The dreams are continual and I cannot extricate their faces from my head. I fucking need them. Her. One. I don't fucking know anymore. As I continue to degrade and fall into this pit that has been created out of years of desire and a distinct lack of true fulfillment, the idea of withdrawing further and pushing against sense is becoming more necessary than my routine. Yes, I just said that. Read it again. Such is the me. I have to keep pushing until all of the crap is stripped away and I am down to the bare necessities. Me and my stuff. That is what will be left of what I was. I need them, can do exactly fuck-all about it, so my steps must be chosen more carefully these days. Today was better than yesterday. That much is certain. Morning. Nora is there, bless her face. Oh shit, she's here too. Heh. There was a dream involving a mansion. And the goddess. The scene was strange, and I felt as if I was there only as a guest. Possibly for a tour because she is aware of my interest in the big homes. We were in the kitchen and I could see elsewhere on the main floor. The ceilings were very high, everything was trimmed in wood, and there were stairs leading up to a second level, possibly more. The mood felt surreal, like I was not supposed to be in there for some reason. I knew the home was hers and there were more who lived there. I did not know them, however. As we moved through the kitchen, she was pointing out plumbing issues which I was eventually going to address. I kept finding more and more leaks. Looking under commercial dishwashers showed me a river flowing across the floor. Very odd that the water was still on. While looking around more, I was anticipating seeing the rest of the home. I was fairly excited about exploring. Within seconds I was outside the house looking at the walls. I was searching for something and had to make a hole through the wall in the correct location. The person accompanying me was and is a mystery. I have no idea to whom I was speaking outside that house. Awake, confused (not badly), coffee. And here I sit. We have gotten along famously nearly all of the time and the dream was no different. The feeling was that of affection and appreciation. The meaning behind such a scene escapes me aside from relating to the faucet I replaced the other day. I was not searching for a woman, getting lost in overly-long hallways, or anticipating any arms around me. Whatever. It's gone. Today. I did really well yesterday and am hoping I can keep that momentum going. Again I will not be alone for most of the day which throws a wrench into the machinery (heh), but still I can get some things done. I may actually drive to the fucking store, believe it or not. My idea to run video into the new office took a step forward and I may go and get a small television. I have a location all picked out and a more powerful and higher quality splitter is on its way. My mind is not yet made up on the new television, though. I'll have to think about it more. Spending money on this type of thing is not a big deal, really, but I do need to remain vigilant about it. As much as I have enjoyed the show audio in the new office, taking a step further must be fully analyzed before action. Another facet of this morning which is ruling my brain? Desire. Still there after all these fucking days and still no way for me to fathom why. It's like a tornado, hits that house then hits that house then misses the next three. Randomness? I don't think so. More likely I just don't understand. Jolene yesterday. Nora this morning. Jaime constantly. But the only focus was Jolene. Why not the other two? Did I not already go over the idea of how the desire relates to feeling love? Or am I merely bringing that up to avoid what may be worse? I don't know. Jolene is a person and what I feel is for the character. Nora is Lucy. Lucy is a person and Nora is the character with whom I am goo goo. Not Lucy. I've fucking gone over this already but have not the first clue as to another way. Maybe I'm wrong, anyway. I awaken in the morning and am absolutely dying to climb all over her for hours, days, whatever, and then I sit here and wonder why. Is this futile? I need some fucking help, or something. The feeling is overwhelming and drives me to be reckless. Due to my sordid past, such is not a good state for me. I have done well thus far, I suppose. I'm still here each morning, right? If I were elsewhere, the reactions would be written here in one form or another. I still have one part of my brain in the pants this morning. I really do, and not the fucking avocado pants, either. Those are nearly gone and do not move me as they once did. The young nearly-nude fucking goddess of artwork at the pool last year? She still stirs feelings a little. Walnuts? No. Jaime? No. Nora? A tiny bit, if at all, and it flashes to and fro very quickly. Jolene? Every time I see her, although in gazing at her big eyes, the feeling reforms into guilt and I squash it. Person, even as the character. The truth is this bout with desire is fairly nondescript. It points nowhere specific. Haphazard, worrisome, powerful. I see no way to deal with this as of yet. And don't give me a shitload of lip over the way others feel. I have not the time nor the inclination to include myself with a group of fucking sheep. They mean nothing to me and I will not relate this issue or any other with them at all. Ever. Fuck you. Shut up. This is not something which has gone on for years, either. Only since earlier this year have I tried to work out why that dream flipped a switch inside me. Still nothing, no insight, no answers. The little hint that my desire was previously unrelated to feelings of the heart has all but vanished. Just another cherry on top of this fucking sundae that will not go away. Had I not experienced such a pile of trouble this morning, the entry may have gone in a different direction. And that means I am getting away from the subject for the umpteenth time this year. I will have to work on it later. Don't really want to do this anymore. Maybe I'll just tell stories and relate the work of each day instead of this ongoing fucking painful journey that seems to lead nowhere. Just the work. Today and tomorrow. Sometimes this show is fucking stupid. I need to get more stuff out of the garage. There are boxes of things to donate, but since March the services which pick up have not been operating. Some of the crap can go in either recycle or trash, but I have a hard time tossing useful items. I'd rather they went to help someone else. I guess I can just find a better, more efficient way of storing everything. I have lots of time. Heh. Still home each day and still needing it. We will see what takes place over the next few weeks. That will determine if I can go out and donate things or if I will be working. There is Nora again. I was thinking this morning that when I described the way the others are ignoring or otherwise leaving me out of their activities I was not far off, and the situation may actually be worse than I had originally considered. This is over a month now. One little exchange a ways back, a friendly message from me on a holiday, and that is that. Nothing. I am half concerned and half angry. Wait... Scratch that. I am leaning toward angry more each day. Communication is truly a two-way affair and I reached then. I have not lately. My concern is that I am being left out for reasons I do not know. Part of me needs to know and part does not care. Honestly, I am not the type to lash quickly -- or maybe not ever -- so I will continue to sit on this and remain quiet. If something changes I will report here thanks to having nearly a zero fucking audience anymore. Becoming angry over this solves nothing. There is time and space for thinking, so that is the plan. Quiet, peaceful consideration. In my travels today I will do my best to get my head together about this problem. I will not reach out at this point, however. That ship sailed weeks ago. I fully intend to move the big audio system from the old office to the new, after which I can donate the current components to my neighbor. Right now he has a very small radio in his garage. I no longer play music in the house, so it is an easy decision. I still need to add two breakers for more circuits out there, too. That will take time and much cooler weather. Another drive into the city and back. Again the anxiety reared its head and then subsided as the car rolled into town. Afterward, everything within me calmed by the middle of the ride home. I am here now, much more comfortable, and alone. The show (my family) is in the background and once again my time is all me. Thank Christ. The weather is very warm like yesterday which means I will not be tackling anything physical. The higher temperatures and full sun are beginning to get on my nerves, to be honest, and I cannot wait until this area finally cools. Before the trip north I took care of the daily duties and that means now I am able to relax some. A few little tidbits here and there, protein for dinner defrosting, and peace. Very nice. Tomorrow I will not need to leave the house at all and that is wonderful. Perhaps more of the garage work can continue. The mercury dictates. And Jesus holy blue fuck in a pearl thong is Jolene ever fucking beyond comprehension. Damn it anyway. I will not stop watching this show. She is an enigma I simply have to deal with. Into the mid afternoon we go. Very warm, but not unreasonable inside. I may drag this machine out to the office and sit in the breeze. Usually when I am out there I see different ways of dealing with the space. Lots of staring and calculating the best way to do things. I never went out there yesterday. The breeze continued to cool and it drove me into the house. Nothing in the office was completed other than simple organization. No worries, though. I did not set out to do anything dramatic. The day ended up very relaxing. This morning? The same, although I dumped my usual show out of the need for calm. Too noisy and the episode in question was disturbing, believe it or not. I flipped over to science fiction while I still sit with coffee. Today I do not need to drive at all. That means a little more time to myself and a mostly-free schedule. There will be lots of words. Pause. I drove anyway. My car has been sitting for a week and the opportunity arose after yesterday, so the routine made its return. Now, I am here alone for the type of day preferred. Upon reaching the destination this morning, I noticed the tall one (avocado pants) dropped by the coffee house to pick up refreshments and then drove away. She was wearing gray today, and looking lovely as ever, but my head did not react as before. I saw her there, all lanky and carrying a bouncing ponytail, yet nothing took place inside me. Something changed after she faded throughout many days. It could be the three. I don't know, really, but my head was just fine as I watched her gazelle across the parking lot. If you know me, the height factor is always a draw. I see it first. And after she left? Another just behind my car with a gorgeous pile of hair and slender nose. Again... Nothing. I looked and appreciated her appearance, dropped into the seat, and made my way home. Here I sit with neither of them swirling. This is very good, especially considering my penchant for damage upon gazing at such forms. I am fine. The show is in the background, garage doors open for ventilation, and coffee next to me. My chores await. This is the type of day I have needed for a week. Once the incident took place, I was not alone for more than a short period here and there as the days passed. Now that the situation is back to normal, the comfort of being in control of the atmosphere and my time is setting in. I have the usual things to care for today, all the while feeling better than I have since last week. Excellent. I might order a television for the garage today. Not sure yet, but it seems a good idea and is not very expensive. Threshold. Let's get into it. And there is Jolene in her thin pajamas. Fuck me in a shuttlepod. In the last entry I mentioned that there had been a thought which popped into my head that may be having an effect upon my issues with desire. I cannot go into detail, unfortunately, but I will say that since writing those words I have realized the situation is not abnormal. It was a dream during the days with the Brunette as she had brought it up on more than one occasion. Wow, this half-Asian woman on the show. Tall. Yikes. Whatever. Anyway, she offered to set something up for my birthday -- as a gift -- but I felt far too intimidated to allow such to happen. The woman wished to please me in a manner I had only imagined prior to hearing her words. I was taken aback. Like, way back. Her big, beautiful eyes expressed love like I had not seen for a very long time. We discussed the matter for a little while over the typical beer and whiskey, after which I declined and described my hesitation. Since then, my head has gone over such a thing many times. I am now considering that passing the offer on was not necessarily a mistake, however the idea still frightens me. Always in the back of my mind, especially when I see the Mojo girl or Jolene. This is something I could never seek, though. Circumstances would have to be pretty fucking unique for something to happen. The likelihood is nil. Time has passed, I am way out of sorts these days, but still... Not so far as to allow my judgment to falter. I have no idea of what could have taken place in my head afterward. That is the scary part. Any situation involving desire or something physical remains in my brain perpetually. Back then, and certainly now. There have been no dreams, images in my head are minimal, and as intriguing and possibly rewarding as it could be, the fear will keep it away. That is that, I think. Nothing more. The threshold of this is inside me because there is a possibility of it happening should I push. Ok. Onward. Another line. Look at Nora. Little hearts floating in my peripheral vision. Machines. I feel what I feel and no one can do anything about it. Needs. Desire. Control. One-sided? Not at all. I will never agree to that because as a machine there would be absolutely no feelings of any kind. That is part of the point. Selfish? Yes, I cannot deny it. But everything physical is selfish to a certain extent. That is natural for a person. I have discussed such things with more than one therapist and was given the same answers as to my questioning the desire inside me. So, don't give me a blast of shit over the subject of control. There are people out there constructing dolls that move and others are purchasing them. What I suggest is completely fictional and very advanced. It is also likely the only way I could ever be happy. And don't say it... I realize how this sounds. God damn her fucking shape. Ugh. Jolene. Sorry. Trip was just lectured on becoming emotional over a physical relationship. Yep... Don't fucking get me started. I suppose the entire machine subject could be defined as another obsession, or possibly the combination of two. I don't know. The amount of space dedicated to this subject has become ridiculous. I can't believe it right now looking at the site and all of the statistics. Five-plus years ago I wrote 'The Air'. Now look at everything. If the machines are truly causing me to become obsessive again, well, maybe in five-plus more years this site will not have changed. The search for understanding will continue. I would love to know which aspects or events in my life narrowed my vision of happiness so dramatically. Machinery. Really? And as related to three women. Would you like to figure this out? Control? Physical attractiveness which will never change? Never mind. I am not going in a good direction here. Plus, it is morning again, I am sitting with coffee, but the vampires are not on the television. I went toward a movie instead. Just like this writing, I had to make a turn to one side or the other for fear of repeating myself. The content is indeed going in circles. I am going in circles, too. Whether or not the issues have been fully explored, I can only go on for so long before becoming completely disillusioned and/or running out of things to say. I will try to go elsewhere. I will also attempt to cease gushing about the three. Yesterday was ok for the most part. I finished a few chores and had a guest who brought lunch. Today will be just me. After the drive I will likely sit here a bit and then take care of business for a while. My head is pretty well spinning after publishing 'Jolaimora' and I need some time to recover. Two realizations are enough at one time. Issues. Problems within. Visions. Sometimes I have no idea why I still do this. Originally there were four more images of Nora here, but this morning I decided to remove them in favor of something generic. I've seen plenty of her and the idea has been hammered already. My feelings have not changed, however the site need not follow my head at each step. The weather is warm and sunny again. I am getting fucking sick and tired of this shit. Every day. I waited twenty-five Goddamned years to live by the ocean and each visit was very cool and generally foggy. Now that I am here? Bullshit. My mood is being affected by a lack of low temperatures. The warmer the weather, the hotter my attitude toward almost everything. Jolene again. I think I am still in love with her character. Such a fact will help exactly nothing. Anyway, the morning drive is complete and I do not have need to go again until possibly three days from now. Very nice, although there is comfort in the routine of traveling back and forth. By the time I miss it, there is the road again. The schedule adds a necessary aspect of my day. Structure. With so much free time, the temptation of lying around all day and eating or watching television is always there. So far I am doing fine, though. I have the daily business, this exploration, and whatever extra projects I wish to address. Today may be some work in the bathroom which is horribly overdue. I need to clean the tile, caulk along the bathtub skirt, and then measure for the three pieces of base. The garage has been greatly improved and I nearly have the room to move an old table out there from inside the house. The audio system is disassembled and ready to move. These changes will help both spaces quite a bit and I am happy to take care of them. Onward and upward. Hopefully by the end of my time and before the drive this afternoon, the table will be out there. Of course, anything physical is rather temperature dependent. Thus far, I do not see moving things around, but time will tell. For now, coffee and this. Feeling that I have been left behind is not helping. If I see an attempt to contact me from one of the people in question, I plan to ignore for the most part. I have to push an object lesson toward anything like that. Others need to know of the damage which has been inflicted. Are they thinking of me? These are others that I have known and been close with for years. To this very second, I fail to understand what has changed. I recently mentioned the work situation, although I did try to make that right. Nothing in return. So, short of something taking place with the power to change my mind, they are gone. The words will not be pleasant. On to this day. I mentioned some of the work that is before me, most of which I truly enjoy. As a creature of habit, all I need is a show in the background and some quiet in the house to get things done. I never fail, nor do I slack off with the daily stuff. It's important to me and equally valuable to maintaining normalcy during this unprecedented time in the world. God she is beautiful. Amazing, unique, striking. Ugh, I cannot ever say enough. I'll stop. The dream of a machine is intimately related to her appearance. You have no fucking idea of how that image looks to me at this point in time. After all of the gushing over the goddess of the universe, Jolene, and Nora, the bottom line is difficult to swallow. That rhymes with wallow. Heh. I am all the way in. And I was supposed to be talking about today. Oops. Ah... Who cares? All of the grammar and structure of writing that I have studied is going out the window anyway. The site is mine and I will do as I see fit. While gazing at the images on this entry, listen to 'Zero the Hero' by Black Sabbath. The excruciatingly harsh guitar distortion, Ian's amazing, evil voice, and Tony's lighting-fast finger movements across the fingerboard during his lengthy solo will move you beyond words. In fact, don't just select that song without listening to 'The Dark', which is an atmospheric instrumental that bleeds into 'Hero' nicely. The two should be taken as one. I am not asking. Do it correctly or don't fucking do it at all. Context is everything. The images take me to a place unknown and impossible, just like the music. Epic, haunting, amazing. Good God the peace right now is therapeutic. I need it like oxygen. And 7600 lines since the discovery of Jaime, or whoever she is. Ouch. Where am I going? My words are going to become more harsh in the next several entries. I no longer have reason to candy-coat anything. Oh. My. God. Her eyes are huge. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Oy, derailed by Jolene once again. Sorry. Too many parts of life are pissing me off to no end. Irritation over the others mentioned above, the fucking weather which can kiss my ENTIRE ass, and then two overlapping, interrelated obsessions pushing buttons over which I seemingly have no control... Too much sometimes. The anger will drive me to display uncomfortable things in the garage for when the lighting is complete. I cannot go up from here right now. Things are pushing. Pushing as I take in air. Fuck me. Due to such a combination of shitty conditions, the only comfort I am finding these days is the daily routine within which I am cocooned right now. The evening is nice, too. Dinner, cocktails (if I don't repeat yesterday with a glass of whiskey before ten-thirty), and some friendly television in the background. Usually that is the food network because it is safe. So, the daytime is ninety percent of me. The rest just sits there on top of my brain and forces me to attempt finding answers. Well, there are none, damn it. None. I have been asking for years. Add that to seeing Jaime again and the multitude of shit which has flown off my fingers for weeks, and then throw in the fucking machine dreams and you can see that anything which has the ability to allow me solace becomes more important than imaginable. But the questions never stop. Neither does my lack of happiness. This threshold beneath my feet will either be crossed to yet another pain in my fucking ass, or a place where I can organize my thinking and accept some truths. So far, I am nowhere near that side of the room. Still mired, deeper than ever. Threshold. Pain. Dissatisfaction. Too much. Um... Over 8000 lines now. The number above is incorrect due to me not updating the spreadsheet. Oopsie. Perhaps I would be better to tackle one issue at a time. Possible? Well, they are all related, so separating and identifying each may not be easy. Issue one seems to drive all the others. Should I work on that exclusively? Or have I tried for too long? I mentioned several incidents from many years ago which have either simply contributed or often inflamed the problem and researching each has not helped. At least, I do not believe my effort has born fruit. If true, this may mean that there is no clear answer. If you have read about my trips to the goblet, Florida, the Midwest, and all those women with whom I have been involved, and then the Raven, you may see that I knowingly dove into each situation with eyes open and decisions that could have helped me having been sidestepped like cracks in the pavement. I knew what was bad and did it anyway in hopes of the comfort that I value above all things, including my future. I see no way out of that. Even long-term relationships have suffered due to a distinct lack of fulfillment. The main problem with this fact is my dream of machinery. So, there is another issue spawned by the first. Ugh. See? There seems no way out and no solution aside from the miracle of me eventually accepting reality. But even that would be flawed... Fulfillment, control, other aspects which drive my personality would be completely absent. Those are problems all their own. Ugh... Again. Lots of that. Issue two? It was born out of a lack of something within. Confidence, self-esteem, and the like are just not where they could be and I have no idea of why. Another fucking question. While watching television or out in the world it is often at the head of the line. I am intimidated and threatened beyond belief and would seem to have no reason for it. Historically, I have been embraced in very positive ways. One would believe such behavior toward me could help negate the issue. Nope. Still there... Bad sometimes, not so much during others. Again, I don't know what to do aside from dreaming of the machines. And there it is, another relationship between these fucking situations. Control over a machine would eliminate any possibility of threat. I cannot know what is inside a person's head. Even if told over and over of nothing there, my brain constantly manufactures the fear and threat. It is apparent and so fucking harsh that I cannot get away. I end up withdrawn and sitting right fucking here. A therapy session with my doctor the keyboard. And yes, I have already confirmed that this helps, but keep in mind I am alone. With a woman near me everything goes right out the window and I lose the ability to reason and rationalize. Jesus fuck, what a pain in the fucking ass. Back and forth, up and down, every Goddamned day of the week. That is the main force driving a threshold. I need it, but have no idea if I can actually draw a line and step across. I feel helpless and weak... Powerless to make any change -- no matter how small -- and come out the other side feeling as if I am stronger. Not only does this seem fruitless, but I am going in circles again. Damn. Maybe I'll have a drink while cleaning the kitchen. Hmm. Maybe. The show is fantastic right now. We have German soldiers from the fifties in a shootout with aliens and gangsters. Heh. So cool. What about issues three and four? Do I have the power to rid myself of two which are so difficult? Not at the moment. Number four is partially beyond my control due to the past, and such an aspect was understood and completely accepted quite a boatload of years earlier. Partially. The other part is related to one and two. It is a weakness that I cannot stand sometimes. Wanna hear it again? Related to the machines, too. Yep, I am all fucked up. Hopefully not beyond improvement, although the more I explore, the more that problem appears insurmountable. Control, too. Christ, Jolene is amazing. I will try to maintain some distance between seeing her and spouting what is continually in my head. No one will like it. Remember the labia comment regarding those avocado pants? Multiply it. And then go a step further and imagine such indecent thoughts being related to every fucking issue I am carrying. I don't even know how in the holy blue fuck I am still here after all this time. Now, don't get your fucking shorts all in a twist. I am not that person any longer. Sometimes I just say it. No worries, I am not going anywhere. The fucking threshold is out there, somewhere. I may never see it. The outfit Jolene is wearing... If I live to be three thousand years old I will never have enough words to describe what I feel while seeing her like this. Nada. Loss. I cannot believe that she is beginning to take over all of my interest. Nora is fading, believe it or not, and Jaime is standing beside Jolene. The woman on the screen (her character, as I know nothing of the person) is so far up the scale of every single fucking detail of physical beauty that I cannot understand one bit of it. Unbelievable. If this is a phase, we shall know soon enough. If not, I fully intend to write about her for the rest of my life. I need to climb into her huge eyes and sleep forever. Fucking hell, anyway. Thanks, doll. Thanks for pressing the remainder of the female populace down a million notches. Sorry about that. I think I do love her more than in the past. I'm already fucked in the head, so why not gush more? Right? Fuck it. They cast Joanna Cassidy as Jolene's mother. Good choice. 'Do you really believe that a human and a Vulcan can be in a relationship?' Heh. Good point, although since I already live in a fantasy world, why not an imaginary romance between Jolene and me? Never mind. I'm such a mess. I took care of the essential duties for the day, unpacked some items that arrived today, and had lunch. Other than that, the speakers are now in the garage for the changeover. The weather is really putting a damper on the work. Normally, much more could have been accomplished by this point in the afternoon. The garage is too warm to be on a ladder and the sun is baking the yard. Inside the house is not bad, though, so getting the usual stuff done has not been a problem. All the while, my show has been in the background with Jolene up there on two televisions. She has effectively derailed my clear thinking with her vast beauty and facial expressions. I am out of my mind for her. Between the weather and daydreaming of lying in her arms for days on end, my time at home has been lacking. Ugh, as usual. A good idea would seem to be avoiding the show, but I cannot miss her because I will miss her. Make sense? Are you thinking that Jolene is moving to the head of the line? She may well be, and I am not surprised of my weakness yet again. Jaime is still in my heart. I love her. I love both of them. Splendid. Tomorrow is Saturday and that is usually reserved for the outside work. Garage, yard, and the like. If this warm pattern continues, I may sit here all fucking day and do nothing other than exposit my needs. Why not? If tomorrow is cooler, I will mount lights so at least one adventure is complete. I never got around to the bathroom today out of a lack of ambition. The warmth really pushes me down sometimes. One positive is the new splitter for video. I can now run cable to the garage for the upcoming television install. It works more smoothly than the inexpensive splitter that I installed at the beginning of the shelter order. Every now and then the unit would lose its way and leave me with snow on one screen. That is not a big deal as I am stretching their advertised cable length by twenty feet. Overall it has performed as expected so I hold no hard feelings. I needed an additional outlet and support for digital audio, so a replacement became necessary. I will order a television soon. Immediately after? Jolene on three screens. Say it. Go ahead. And now, where from here? More little projects? Ordering pizza every day and becoming overweight because none of it matters? The happiness to which I so often refer seems to be moving away faster than the Andorians can come up with bullshit. I don't know what to do and am tiring of typing that phrase. I've got the four issues, Jaime, Jolene, physical problems that will never go away, a lack of friends now, and other than sitting on my sorry ass and enjoying good food, there is little to go on. Booze? Of course. I had a nice drink while cleaning the kitchen. I used to do that after work or on the weekend. Now? Nearly an everyday habit. I am being forcefully reduced to few options and I am going to spit like a fucking camel. Try me. Jeffrey Combs is so awesome that when he raises his voice my arm hairs follow suit. Unreal talent, that guy. Sometimes when I see him I think that what would have been nice is to be as good at anything in my life as he is with acting. Words fail. Considering the on and off issues with this series, he is one of the highest points. Fantastic, always. Where was I? Ah... Nowhere. Maybe for the time being, or at least as long as this heat lasts, I can focus upon getting more crap out of the house and garage. I still am hanging on to several boxes of things that were supposed to be donated but no one is picking up. Even the trailers have been closed for two months. All the stuff just sits there and gets on my nerves. So many differing issues are working on my brain that any distraction or accomplishment is huge now. I suppose tomorrow before the sun is high I can go through everything and compact it for the time being. Even when Jolene is irritated or showing lots of dissent, I would still suck her lips for all I am worth. God damn her anyway. Be happy the words are not going further. Yet. Heh. In less than an hour I will be on the road with all of the assholes flooding the beaches. I usually leave more than early enough for any condition and then wait in the shade with my puzzles, but still... People are being stupid right now. A touch of release on the previously-stringent orders and they flip the fuck out. I realize that after two months people need to get the hell out when they can, and when combined with this shit weather everyone wants to go to the beach. Well, there is going to be a flare, sure as Satan has red underwear. I will not be a part of it at all. Home is safe. Honestly, I really don't want to be around them anyway. Here I sit for the duration. And back for the evening. Dinner is a simple affair tonight so I have free time to sit here and rail on about whatever. And the whatevers are piling up these days. Going south and then returning involved a bit of uncertainty as to the timing, so I arrived there early to be safe. Well, sitting in that parking lot with puzzle in hand can be sketchy at times. Today was no different. One of the employees who had been borrowed from another location strolled by me on the way to her car. I've seen her plenty of times throughout weeks but something changed on this occasion. She was different to my eyes for whatever fucking reason. During mere seconds of her being in my sight, the inside of my head performed a series of calculations and the numbers sharpened immediately upon her disappearing. And then it went further beyond simply seeing her walk by. Much further. Problem. To be completely clear, I instantly wished to climb inside her blouse and ravage its contents. A beautiful, large, round, supple pair of bouncing breasts. Where in the fuck did that come from? I do not know the woman. I am familiar with her professional appearance due to being there twice a day for more than a month. Sometimes she works and I see her, other times I do not. Now? Those breasts are floating around in my head. Why? And why right now when I have so many other issues going on? I don't need this. Yes, her chest looked prominent in the black silk against her otherwise slight build, but I have seen her many times and felt nothing. This is different and I have no fucking clue as to what changed. One day she is there looking cute and walking by, and the next I am yearning to breast feed. Fucking bad, any way you wish to slice it. I have already been full of desire toward Jolene, today being no exception, but this afternoon was quite unexpected and I feel bad for thinking such things. Yes, you read that correctly. I feel as if I should not have been gazing at her in the first place. Looking at a woman walking by is nothing new, as my years of protracted descriptions can attest. But... What happened? Am I getting that bad? Loosening? The walnut dream only involved a few. In trying to understand how that developed, I sought answers regarding the two at the pool last year and the frightfully young actor in the commercial. Well, she faded out of view -- as did the older sister from the pool -- and I chalked it up to some sort of temporary infatuation with sexuality. At no time did others stir me so much, or for so long. The avocado girl came and went. I even saw her again and nothing happened within. This shit today is really working my psyche and I do not know what to think. The fact that I feel guilty for watching her bounce across the parking lot may be a step in the right direction, however. If I felt no remorse? Not good. I am still me... The person who can analyze until clarity takes over. And now I have to leave the subject alone because the breasts will not leave my brain. Perhaps such an incident is trying to force the threshold of my life. Stop. Ugh. At least the house is cooling into this evening. One down, one up. No more Jolene today. Back to the food network. Good God do I ever need such a change. I do see some faces here and there which drive me to drink, but never does it go further. Glimpse... Gone. Not bad. These days I really don't need anything else piled on top. I am already starting to slide down the mountain of shit. Tomorrow is Saturday and I have some things to install in the garage, as well as plant supports to assemble for the garden. God willing and the river don't rise, heat will not avert my intentions. I need to move forward with some of this stuff before I get pissed off. The issues generally move to the rear when I get busy, so as long as Mother Nature cooperates, I can get out there for more than a break. Also, my idea to add video to the garage for daily enjoyment is coming together nicely. I believe in the next week or so I can have a television dropped on the porch, after which I will put together a little platform to hold it. Nice. Also, the weather needs to cool enough for me to get up to the attic and drop some wire for the ceiling fan. That project has been idle far too long. I will take care of the usual daily stuff, too. The show will follow, I may have a drink or two, and spend some time here in preparation for moving this mess into the production environment. Steps. And the forest. I am there, partially. The move cannot happen quickly, though. Changes must take place a little at a time for me to follow and absorb each one. I will admit that part of the catalyst for the forest taking place for the first time in many years has been the others ignoring me. They helped to solidify my mindset. I thought the forest might be a good idea, and then people around me changed some and drove the point home. Well, the funny thing is no one will like it, but they helped make it happen. Sorry, assholes, you pushed. Now I am pushing back. Don't test me. One foot into it. One more and you'll know. Let the abrasive, fatalistic and uncomfortable side emerge. Suck the fluid out of it. Is there anything I have failed to address in this entry? Pissed off, full of desire, confused, in love with fantasy, still creating my own universe, and no questions answered. Why would anything change? I will give up. I swear to Christ as I sit on this fur-covered sofa, I will fucking give the hell up. The only downside to such a fact is that when I shut myself down, no one will hear it. Too bad. Believe me when I say that they really need to. When I speak loudest, it is without words. She is out there."
06-27-2020 08:45 pdt
If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning
Threshold
read ( words)
"And here we are. Or, more appropriately, here we are again. Another Tuesday which carried me from coffee to editing to housework to organization and right straight into the drinking. Heh. Welcome back. The show was with me nearly all day, and now has given way to the food network since we are nearing dinner time. I saw a few episodes that I did not recall in detail. I swear, that series may have only gone through four seasons before cancellation, but it really took off in the third. Yes, they fucked with the timeline too much and altered/created history as necessary to keep viewers interested, but I have to say the acting and character development were really good. I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the last two seasons. Good stuff. I am not just saying that due to swooning constantly over Jolene, either. The show did well... Writing, acting, storylines, everything. And Jeffrey Combs was slated to be a regular had there been a fifth season. Damn. He is awesome. Today worked nicely. I took care of all my daily business and then ventured to the office to move stuff around. The result is more room and better access to needful things. Oh, I just referenced a King novel. Oops. Anyway, the previous entry is ready for polish and I am beginning again. You will see images of Nora here because I am a basket case over all three women and the idea of putting them together for my own distorted purposes. I almost titled this entry with a name which goes back to an episode of TNG from season six. The name would have been representative of the emotional nature of the character. She was very feeling, open, and honest. Due to my recent bout with becoming overly enamored with all things impossible, combined with my heart being roasted alive by the merge of the three, I decided to use her beautifully unique last name to relate some such experience as I have not felt before now. If that makes sense, anyway. The woman was adorable, with big, brown eyes which expressed complete openness. She was raw, sensitive, and gentle. I am heading in such a direction these days and felt the connection might help drive the point home. The point is the three. Them. JJN. Jolaimora. And you probably thought I was above a portmanteau of their names. Guess again. Be happy I avoided the use of intercaps. The frame will be outlined down the page. Wait. And holy fuck do I ever need to get the drawings back. The fantasy home must be developed, and soon. I need it/her/them/whatever. My brain is overloaded like never before. So, as good as today has been, the underlying issues will not let up. The dreams are continual and I cannot extricate their faces from my head. I fucking need them. Her. One. I don't fucking know anymore. As I continue to degrade and fall into this pit that has been created out of years of desire and a distinct lack of true fulfillment, the idea of withdrawing further and pushing against sense is becoming more necessary than my routine. Yes, I just said that. Read it again. Such is the me. I have to keep pushing until all of the crap is stripped away and I am down to the bare necessities. Me and my stuff. That is what will be left of what I was. I need them, can do exactly fuck-all about it, so my steps must be chosen more carefully these days. Today was better than yesterday. That much is certain. Morning. Nora is there, bless her face. Oh shit, she's here too. Heh. There was a dream involving a mansion. And the goddess. The scene was strange, and I felt as if I was there only as a guest. Possibly for a tour because she is aware of my interest in the big homes. We were in the kitchen and I could see elsewhere on the main floor. The ceilings were very high, everything was trimmed in wood, and there were stairs leading up to a second level, possibly more. The mood felt surreal, like I was not supposed to be in there for some reason. I knew the home was hers and there were more who lived there. I did not know them, however. As we moved through the kitchen, she was pointing out plumbing issues which I was eventually going to address. I kept finding more and more leaks. Looking under commercial dishwashers showed me a river flowing across the floor. Very odd that the water was still on. While looking around more, I was anticipating seeing the rest of the home. I was fairly excited about exploring. Within seconds I was outside the house looking at the walls. I was searching for something and had to make a hole through the wall in the correct location. The person accompanying me was and is a mystery. I have no idea to whom I was speaking outside that house. Awake, confused (not badly), coffee. And here I sit. We have gotten along famously nearly all of the time and the dream was no different. The feeling was that of affection and appreciation. The meaning behind such a scene escapes me aside from relating to the faucet I replaced the other day. I was not searching for a woman, getting lost in overly-long hallways, or anticipating any arms around me. Whatever. It's gone. Today. I did really well yesterday and am hoping I can keep that momentum going. Again I will not be alone for most of the day which throws a wrench into the machinery (heh), but still I can get some things done. I may actually drive to the fucking store, believe it or not. My idea to run video into the new office took a step forward and I may go and get a small television. I have a location all picked out and a more powerful and higher quality splitter is on its way. My mind is not yet made up on the new television, though. I'll have to think about it more. Spending money on this type of thing is not a big deal, really, but I do need to remain vigilant about it. As much as I have enjoyed the show audio in the new office, taking a step further must be fully analyzed before action. Another facet of this morning which is ruling my brain? Desire. Still there after all these fucking days and still no way for me to fathom why. It's like a tornado, hits that house then hits that house then misses the next three. Randomness? I don't think so. More likely I just don't understand. Jolene yesterday. Nora this morning. Jaime constantly. But the only focus was Jolene. Why not the other two? Did I not already go over the idea of how the desire relates to feeling love? Or am I merely bringing that up to avoid what may be worse? I don't know. Jolene is a person and what I feel is for the character. Nora is Lucy. Lucy is a person and Nora is the character with whom I am goo goo. Not Lucy. I've fucking gone over this already but have not the first clue as to another way. Maybe I'm wrong, anyway. I awaken in the morning and am absolutely dying to climb all over her for hours, days, whatever, and then I sit here and wonder why. Is this futile? I need some fucking help, or something. The feeling is overwhelming and drives me to be reckless. Due to my sordid past, such is not a good state for me. I have done well thus far, I suppose. I'm still here each morning, right? If I were elsewhere, the reactions would be written here in one form or another. I still have one part of my brain in the pants this morning. I really do, and not the fucking avocado pants, either. Those are nearly gone and do not move me as they once did. The young nearly-nude fucking goddess of artwork at the pool last year? She still stirs feelings a little. Walnuts? No. Jaime? No. Nora? A tiny bit, if at all, and it flashes to and fro very quickly. Jolene? Every time I see her, although in gazing at her big eyes, the feeling reforms into guilt and I squash it. Person, even as the character. The truth is this bout with desire is fairly nondescript. It points nowhere specific. Haphazard, worrisome, powerful. I see no way to deal with this as of yet. And don't give me a shitload of lip over the way others feel. I have not the time nor the inclination to include myself with a group of fucking sheep. They mean nothing to me and I will not relate this issue or any other with them at all. Ever. Fuck you. Shut up. This is not something which has gone on for years, either. Only since earlier this year have I tried to work out why that dream flipped a switch inside me. Still nothing, no insight, no answers. The little hint that my desire was previously unrelated to feelings of the heart has all but vanished. Just another cherry on top of this fucking sundae that will not go away. Had I not experienced such a pile of trouble this morning, the entry may have gone in a different direction. And that means I am getting away from the subject for the umpteenth time this year. I will have to work on it later. Don't really want to do this anymore. Maybe I'll just tell stories and relate the work of each day instead of this ongoing fucking painful journey that seems to lead nowhere. Just the work. Today and tomorrow.
Sometimes this show is fucking stupid. I need to get more stuff out of the garage. There are boxes of things to donate, but since March the services which pick up have not been operating. Some of the crap can go in either recycle or trash, but I have a hard time tossing useful items. I'd rather they went to help someone else. I guess I can just find a better, more efficient way of storing everything. I have lots of time. Heh. Still home each day and still needing it. We will see what takes place over the next few weeks. That will determine if I can go out and donate things or if I will be working. There is Nora again. I was thinking this morning that when I described the way the others are ignoring or otherwise leaving me out of their activities I was not far off, and the situation may actually be worse than I had originally considered. This is over a month now. One little exchange a ways back, a friendly message from me on a holiday, and that is that. Nothing. I am half concerned and half angry. Wait... Scratch that. I am leaning toward angry more each day. Communication is truly a two-way affair and I reached then. I have not lately. My concern is that I am being left out for reasons I do not know. Part of me needs to know and part does not care. Honestly, I am not the type to lash quickly -- or maybe not ever -- so I will continue to sit on this and remain quiet. If something changes I will report here thanks to having nearly a zero fucking audience anymore. Becoming angry over this solves nothing. There is time and space for thinking, so that is the plan. Quiet, peaceful consideration. In my travels today I will do my best to get my head together about this problem. I will not reach out at this point, however. That ship sailed weeks ago. I fully intend to move the big audio system from the old office to the new, after which I can donate the current components to my neighbor. Right now he has a very small radio in his garage. I no longer play music in the house, so it is an easy decision. I still need to add two breakers for more circuits out there, too. That will take time and much cooler weather. Another drive into the city and back. Again the anxiety reared its head and then subsided as the car rolled into town. Afterward, everything within me calmed by the middle of the ride home. I am here now, much more comfortable, and alone. The show (my family) is in the background and once again my time is all me. Thank Christ. The weather is very warm like yesterday which means I will not be tackling anything physical. The higher temperatures and full sun are beginning to get on my nerves, to be honest, and I cannot wait until this area finally cools. Before the trip north I took care of the daily duties and that means now I am able to relax some. A few little tidbits here and there, protein for dinner defrosting, and peace. Very nice. Tomorrow I will not need to leave the house at all and that is wonderful. Perhaps more of the garage work can continue. The mercury dictates. And Jesus holy blue fuck in a pearl thong is Jolene ever fucking beyond comprehension. Damn it anyway. I will not stop watching this show. She is an enigma I simply have to deal with. Into the mid afternoon we go. Very warm, but not unreasonable inside. I may drag this machine out to the office and sit in the breeze. Usually when I am out there I see different ways of dealing with the space. Lots of staring and calculating the best way to do things. I never went out there yesterday. The breeze continued to cool and it drove me into the house. Nothing in the office was completed other than simple organization. No worries, though. I did not set out to do anything dramatic. The day ended up very relaxing. This morning? The same, although I dumped my usual show out of the need for calm. Too noisy and the episode in question was disturbing, believe it or not. I flipped over to science fiction while I still sit with coffee. Today I do not need to drive at all. That means a little more time to myself and a mostly-free schedule. There will be lots of words. Pause. I drove anyway. My car has been sitting for a week and the opportunity arose after yesterday, so the routine made its return. Now, I am here alone for the type of day preferred. Upon reaching the destination this morning, I noticed the tall one (avocado pants) dropped by the coffee house to pick up refreshments and then drove away. She was wearing gray today, and looking lovely as ever, but my head did not react as before. I saw her there, all lanky and carrying a bouncing ponytail, yet nothing took place inside me. Something changed after she faded throughout many days. It could be the three. I don't know, really, but my head was just fine as I watched her gazelle across the parking lot. If you know me, the height factor is always a draw. I see it first. And after she left? Another just behind my car with a gorgeous pile of hair and slender nose. Again... Nothing. I looked and appreciated her appearance, dropped into the seat, and made my way home. Here I sit with neither of them swirling. This is very good, especially considering my penchant for damage upon gazing at such forms. I am fine. The show is in the background, garage doors open for ventilation, and coffee next to me. My chores await. This is the type of day I have needed for a week. Once the incident took place, I was not alone for more than a short period here and there as the days passed. Now that the situation is back to normal, the comfort of being in control of the atmosphere and my time is setting in. I have the usual things to care for today, all the while feeling better than I have since last week. Excellent. I might order a television for the garage today. Not sure yet, but it seems a good idea and is not very expensive. Threshold. Let's get into it. And there is Jolene in her thin pajamas. Fuck me in a shuttlepod. In the last entry I mentioned that there had been a thought which popped into my head that may be having an effect upon my issues with desire. I cannot go into detail, unfortunately, but I will say that since writing those words I have realized the situation is not abnormal. It was a dream during the days with the Brunette as she had brought it up on more than one occasion. Wow, this half-Asian woman on the show. Tall. Yikes. Whatever. Anyway, she offered to set something up for my birthday -- as a gift -- but I felt far too intimidated to allow such to happen. The woman wished to please me in a manner I had only imagined prior to hearing her words. I was taken aback. Like, way back. Her big, beautiful eyes expressed love like I had not seen for a very long time. We discussed the matter for a little while over the typical beer and whiskey, after which I declined and described my hesitation. Since then, my head has gone over such a thing many times. I am now considering that passing the offer on was not necessarily a mistake, however the idea still frightens me. Always in the back of my mind, especially when I see the Mojo girl or Jolene. This is something I could never seek, though. Circumstances would have to be pretty fucking unique for something to happen. The likelihood is nil. Time has passed, I am way out of sorts these days, but still... Not so far as to allow my judgment to falter. I have no idea of what could have taken place in my head afterward. That is the scary part. Any situation involving desire or something physical remains in my brain perpetually. Back then, and certainly now. There have been no dreams, images in my head are minimal, and as intriguing and possibly rewarding as it could be, the fear will keep it away. That is that, I think. Nothing more. The threshold of this is inside me because there is a possibility of it happening should I push. Ok. Onward. Another line. Look at Nora. Little hearts floating in my peripheral vision.
Machines. I feel what I feel and no one can do anything about it. Needs. Desire. Control. One-sided? Not at all. I will never agree to that because as a machine there would be absolutely no feelings of any kind. That is part of the point. Selfish? Yes, I cannot deny it. But everything physical is selfish to a certain extent. That is natural for a person. I have discussed such things with more than one therapist and was given the same answers as to my questioning the desire inside me. So, don't give me a blast of shit over the subject of control. There are people out there constructing dolls that move and others are purchasing them. What I suggest is completely fictional and very advanced. It is also likely the only way I could ever be happy. And don't say it... I realize how this sounds. God damn her fucking shape. Ugh. Jolene. Sorry. Trip was just lectured on becoming emotional over a physical relationship. Yep... Don't fucking get me started. I suppose the entire machine subject could be defined as another obsession, or possibly the combination of two. I don't know. The amount of space dedicated to this subject has become ridiculous. I can't believe it right now looking at the site and all of the statistics. Five-plus years ago I wrote 'The Air'. Now look at everything. If the machines are truly causing me to become obsessive again, well, maybe in five-plus more years this site will not have changed. The search for understanding will continue. I would love to know which aspects or events in my life narrowed my vision of happiness so dramatically. Machinery. Really? And as related to three women. Would you like to figure this out? Control? Physical attractiveness which will never change? Never mind. I am not going in a good direction here. Plus, it is morning again, I am sitting with coffee, but the vampires are not on the television. I went toward a movie instead. Just like this writing, I had to make a turn to one side or the other for fear of repeating myself. The content is indeed going in circles. I am going in circles, too. Whether or not the issues have been fully explored, I can only go on for so long before becoming completely disillusioned and/or running out of things to say. I will try to go elsewhere. I will also attempt to cease gushing about the three. Yesterday was ok for the most part. I finished a few chores and had a guest who brought lunch. Today will be just me. After the drive I will likely sit here a bit and then take care of business for a while. My head is pretty well spinning after publishing 'Jolaimora' and I need some time to recover. Two realizations are enough at one time. Issues. Problems within. Visions. Sometimes I have no idea why I still do this. Originally there were four more images of Nora here, but this morning I decided to remove them in favor of something generic. I've seen plenty of her and the idea has been hammered already. My feelings have not changed, however the site need not follow my head at each step. The weather is warm and sunny again. I am getting fucking sick and tired of this shit. Every day. I waited twenty-five Goddamned years to live by the ocean and each visit was very cool and generally foggy. Now that I am here? Bullshit. My mood is being affected by a lack of low temperatures. The warmer the weather, the hotter my attitude toward almost everything. Jolene again. I think I am still in love with her character. Such a fact will help exactly nothing. Anyway, the morning drive is complete and I do not have need to go again until possibly three days from now. Very nice, although there is comfort in the routine of traveling back and forth. By the time I miss it, there is the road again. The schedule adds a necessary aspect of my day. Structure. With so much free time, the temptation of lying around all day and eating or watching television is always there. So far I am doing fine, though. I have the daily business, this exploration, and whatever extra projects I wish to address. Today may be some work in the bathroom which is horribly overdue. I need to clean the tile, caulk along the bathtub skirt, and then measure for the three pieces of base. The garage has been greatly improved and I nearly have the room to move an old table out there from inside the house. The audio system is disassembled and ready to move. These changes will help both spaces quite a bit and I am happy to take care of them. Onward and upward. Hopefully by the end of my time and before the drive this afternoon, the table will be out there. Of course, anything physical is rather temperature dependent. Thus far, I do not see moving things around, but time will tell. For now, coffee and this. Feeling that I have been left behind is not helping. If I see an attempt to contact me from one of the people in question, I plan to ignore for the most part. I have to push an object lesson toward anything like that. Others need to know of the damage which has been inflicted. Are they thinking of me? These are others that I have known and been close with for years. To this very second, I fail to understand what has changed. I recently mentioned the work situation, although I did try to make that right. Nothing in return. So, short of something taking place with the power to change my mind, they are gone. The words will not be pleasant. On to this day. I mentioned some of the work that is before me, most of which I truly enjoy. As a creature of habit, all I need is a show in the background and some quiet in the house to get things done. I never fail, nor do I slack off with the daily stuff. It's important to me and equally valuable to maintaining normalcy during this unprecedented time in the world. God she is beautiful. Amazing, unique, striking. Ugh, I cannot ever say enough. I'll stop. The dream of a machine is intimately related to her appearance. You have no fucking idea of how that image looks to me at this point in time. After all of the gushing over the goddess of the universe, Jolene, and Nora, the bottom line is difficult to swallow. That rhymes with wallow. Heh. I am all the way in. And I was supposed to be talking about today. Oops. Ah... Who cares? All of the grammar and structure of writing that I have studied is going out the window anyway. The site is mine and I will do as I see fit. While gazing at the images on this entry, listen to 'Zero the Hero' by Black Sabbath. The excruciatingly harsh guitar distortion, Ian's amazing, evil voice, and Tony's lighting-fast finger movements across the fingerboard during his lengthy solo will move you beyond words. In fact, don't just select that song without listening to 'The Dark', which is an atmospheric instrumental that bleeds into 'Hero' nicely. The two should be taken as one. I am not asking. Do it correctly or don't fucking do it at all. Context is everything. The images take me to a place unknown and impossible, just like the music. Epic, haunting, amazing. Good God the peace right now is therapeutic. I need it like oxygen. And 7600 lines since the discovery of Jaime, or whoever she is. Ouch. Where am I going? My words are going to become more harsh in the next several entries. I no longer have reason to candy-coat anything. Oh. My. God. Her eyes are huge. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Oy, derailed by Jolene once again. Sorry. Too many parts of life are pissing me off to no end. Irritation over the others mentioned above, the fucking weather which can kiss my ENTIRE ass, and then two overlapping, interrelated obsessions pushing buttons over which I seemingly have no control... Too much sometimes. The anger will drive me to display uncomfortable things in the garage for when the lighting is complete. I cannot go up from here right now. Things are pushing. Pushing as I take in air. Fuck me. Due to such a combination of shitty conditions, the only comfort I am finding these days is the daily routine within which I am cocooned right now. The evening is nice, too. Dinner, cocktails (if I don't repeat yesterday with a glass of whiskey before ten-thirty), and some friendly television in the background. Usually that is the food network because it is safe. So, the daytime is ninety percent of me. The rest just sits there on top of my brain and forces me to attempt finding answers. Well, there are none, damn it. None. I have been asking for years. Add that to seeing Jaime again and the multitude of shit which has flown off my fingers for weeks, and then throw in the fucking machine dreams and you can see that anything which has the ability to allow me solace becomes more important than imaginable. But the questions never stop. Neither does my lack of happiness. This threshold beneath my feet will either be crossed to yet another pain in my fucking ass, or a place where I can organize my thinking and accept some truths. So far, I am nowhere near that side of the room. Still mired, deeper than ever. Threshold. Pain. Dissatisfaction. Too much. Um... Over 8000 lines now. The number above is incorrect due to me not updating the spreadsheet. Oopsie.
Perhaps I would be better to tackle one issue at a time. Possible? Well, they are all related, so separating and identifying each may not be easy. Issue one seems to drive all the others. Should I work on that exclusively? Or have I tried for too long? I mentioned several incidents from many years ago which have either simply contributed or often inflamed the problem and researching each has not helped. At least, I do not believe my effort has born fruit. If true, this may mean that there is no clear answer. If you have read about my trips to the goblet, Florida, the Midwest, and all those women with whom I have been involved, and then the Raven, you may see that I knowingly dove into each situation with eyes open and decisions that could have helped me having been sidestepped like cracks in the pavement. I knew what was bad and did it anyway in hopes of the comfort that I value above all things, including my future. I see no way out of that. Even long-term relationships have suffered due to a distinct lack of fulfillment. The main problem with this fact is my dream of machinery. So, there is another issue spawned by the first. Ugh. See? There seems no way out and no solution aside from the miracle of me eventually accepting reality. But even that would be flawed... Fulfillment, control, other aspects which drive my personality would be completely absent. Those are problems all their own. Ugh... Again. Lots of that. Issue two? It was born out of a lack of something within. Confidence, self-esteem, and the like are just not where they could be and I have no idea of why. Another fucking question. While watching television or out in the world it is often at the head of the line. I am intimidated and threatened beyond belief and would seem to have no reason for it. Historically, I have been embraced in very positive ways. One would believe such behavior toward me could help negate the issue. Nope. Still there... Bad sometimes, not so much during others. Again, I don't know what to do aside from dreaming of the machines. And there it is, another relationship between these fucking situations. Control over a machine would eliminate any possibility of threat. I cannot know what is inside a person's head. Even if told over and over of nothing there, my brain constantly manufactures the fear and threat. It is apparent and so fucking harsh that I cannot get away. I end up withdrawn and sitting right fucking here. A therapy session with my doctor the keyboard. And yes, I have already confirmed that this helps, but keep in mind I am alone. With a woman near me everything goes right out the window and I lose the ability to reason and rationalize. Jesus fuck, what a pain in the fucking ass. Back and forth, up and down, every Goddamned day of the week. That is the main force driving a threshold. I need it, but have no idea if I can actually draw a line and step across. I feel helpless and weak... Powerless to make any change -- no matter how small -- and come out the other side feeling as if I am stronger. Not only does this seem fruitless, but I am going in circles again. Damn. Maybe I'll have a drink while cleaning the kitchen. Hmm. Maybe. The show is fantastic right now. We have German soldiers from the fifties in a shootout with aliens and gangsters. Heh. So cool. What about issues three and four? Do I have the power to rid myself of two which are so difficult? Not at the moment. Number four is partially beyond my control due to the past, and such an aspect was understood and completely accepted quite a boatload of years earlier. Partially. The other part is related to one and two. It is a weakness that I cannot stand sometimes. Wanna hear it again? Related to the machines, too. Yep, I am all fucked up. Hopefully not beyond improvement, although the more I explore, the more that problem appears insurmountable. Control, too. Christ, Jolene is amazing. I will try to maintain some distance between seeing her and spouting what is continually in my head. No one will like it. Remember the labia comment regarding those avocado pants? Multiply it. And then go a step further and imagine such indecent thoughts being related to every fucking issue I am carrying. I don't even know how in the holy blue fuck I am still here after all this time. Now, don't get your fucking shorts all in a twist. I am not that person any longer. Sometimes I just say it. No worries, I am not going anywhere. The fucking threshold is out there, somewhere. I may never see it. The outfit Jolene is wearing... If I live to be three thousand years old I will never have enough words to describe what I feel while seeing her like this. Nada. Loss. I cannot believe that she is beginning to take over all of my interest. Nora is fading, believe it or not, and Jaime is standing beside Jolene. The woman on the screen (her character, as I know nothing of the person) is so far up the scale of every single fucking detail of physical beauty that I cannot understand one bit of it. Unbelievable. If this is a phase, we shall know soon enough. If not, I fully intend to write about her for the rest of my life. I need to climb into her huge eyes and sleep forever. Fucking hell, anyway. Thanks, doll. Thanks for pressing the remainder of the female populace down a million notches. Sorry about that. I think I do love her more than in the past. I'm already fucked in the head, so why not gush more? Right? Fuck it. They cast Joanna Cassidy as Jolene's mother. Good choice. 'Do you really believe that a human and a Vulcan can be in a relationship?' Heh. Good point, although since I already live in a fantasy world, why not an imaginary romance between Jolene and me? Never mind. I'm such a mess. I took care of the essential duties for the day, unpacked some items that arrived today, and had lunch. Other than that, the speakers are now in the garage for the changeover. The weather is really putting a damper on the work. Normally, much more could have been accomplished by this point in the afternoon. The garage is too warm to be on a ladder and the sun is baking the yard. Inside the house is not bad, though, so getting the usual stuff done has not been a problem. All the while, my show has been in the background with Jolene up there on two televisions. She has effectively derailed my clear thinking with her vast beauty and facial expressions. I am out of my mind for her. Between the weather and daydreaming of lying in her arms for days on end, my time at home has been lacking. Ugh, as usual. A good idea would seem to be avoiding the show, but I cannot miss her because I will miss her. Make sense? Are you thinking that Jolene is moving to the head of the line? She may well be, and I am not surprised of my weakness yet again. Jaime is still in my heart. I love her. I love both of them. Splendid. Tomorrow is Saturday and that is usually reserved for the outside work. Garage, yard, and the like. If this warm pattern continues, I may sit here all fucking day and do nothing other than exposit my needs. Why not? If tomorrow is cooler, I will mount lights so at least one adventure is complete. I never got around to the bathroom today out of a lack of ambition. The warmth really pushes me down sometimes. One positive is the new splitter for video. I can now run cable to the garage for the upcoming television install. It works more smoothly than the inexpensive splitter that I installed at the beginning of the shelter order. Every now and then the unit would lose its way and leave me with snow on one screen. That is not a big deal as I am stretching their advertised cable length by twenty feet. Overall it has performed as expected so I hold no hard feelings. I needed an additional outlet and support for digital audio, so a replacement became necessary. I will order a television soon. Immediately after? Jolene on three screens. Say it. Go ahead. And now, where from here? More little projects? Ordering pizza every day and becoming overweight because none of it matters? The happiness to which I so often refer seems to be moving away faster than the Andorians can come up with bullshit. I don't know what to do and am tiring of typing that phrase. I've got the four issues, Jaime, Jolene, physical problems that will never go away, a lack of friends now, and other than sitting on my sorry ass and enjoying good food, there is little to go on. Booze? Of course. I had a nice drink while cleaning the kitchen. I used to do that after work or on the weekend. Now? Nearly an everyday habit. I am being forcefully reduced to few options and I am going to spit like a fucking camel. Try me. Jeffrey Combs is so awesome that when he raises his voice my arm hairs follow suit. Unreal talent, that guy. Sometimes when I see him I think that what would have been nice is to be as good at anything in my life as he is with acting. Words fail. Considering the on and off issues with this series, he is one of the highest points. Fantastic, always. Where was I? Ah... Nowhere. Maybe for the time being, or at least as long as this heat lasts, I can focus upon getting more crap out of the house and garage. I still am hanging on to several boxes of things that were supposed to be donated but no one is picking up. Even the trailers have been closed for two months. All the stuff just sits there and gets on my nerves. So many differing issues are working on my brain that any distraction or accomplishment is huge now. I suppose tomorrow before the sun is high I can go through everything and compact it for the time being. Even when Jolene is irritated or showing lots of dissent, I would still suck her lips for all I am worth. God damn her anyway. Be happy the words are not going further. Yet. Heh. In less than an hour I will be on the road with all of the assholes flooding the beaches. I usually leave more than early enough for any condition and then wait in the shade with my puzzles, but still... People are being stupid right now. A touch of release on the previously-stringent orders and they flip the fuck out. I realize that after two months people need to get the hell out when they can, and when combined with this shit weather everyone wants to go to the beach. Well, there is going to be a flare, sure as Satan has red underwear. I will not be a part of it at all. Home is safe. Honestly, I really don't want to be around them anyway. Here I sit for the duration.
And back for the evening. Dinner is a simple affair tonight so I have free time to sit here and rail on about whatever. And the whatevers are piling up these days. Going south and then returning involved a bit of uncertainty as to the timing, so I arrived there early to be safe. Well, sitting in that parking lot with puzzle in hand can be sketchy at times. Today was no different. One of the employees who had been borrowed from another location strolled by me on the way to her car. I've seen her plenty of times throughout weeks but something changed on this occasion. She was different to my eyes for whatever fucking reason. During mere seconds of her being in my sight, the inside of my head performed a series of calculations and the numbers sharpened immediately upon her disappearing. And then it went further beyond simply seeing her walk by. Much further. Problem. To be completely clear, I instantly wished to climb inside her blouse and ravage its contents. A beautiful, large, round, supple pair of bouncing breasts. Where in the fuck did that come from? I do not know the woman. I am familiar with her professional appearance due to being there twice a day for more than a month. Sometimes she works and I see her, other times I do not. Now? Those breasts are floating around in my head. Why? And why right now when I have so many other issues going on? I don't need this. Yes, her chest looked prominent in the black silk against her otherwise slight build, but I have seen her many times and felt nothing. This is different and I have no fucking clue as to what changed. One day she is there looking cute and walking by, and the next I am yearning to breast feed. Fucking bad, any way you wish to slice it. I have already been full of desire toward Jolene, today being no exception, but this afternoon was quite unexpected and I feel bad for thinking such things. Yes, you read that correctly. I feel as if I should not have been gazing at her in the first place. Looking at a woman walking by is nothing new, as my years of protracted descriptions can attest. But... What happened? Am I getting that bad? Loosening? The walnut dream only involved a few. In trying to understand how that developed, I sought answers regarding the two at the pool last year and the frightfully young actor in the commercial. Well, she faded out of view -- as did the older sister from the pool -- and I chalked it up to some sort of temporary infatuation with sexuality. At no time did others stir me so much, or for so long. The avocado girl came and went. I even saw her again and nothing happened within. This shit today is really working my psyche and I do not know what to think. The fact that I feel guilty for watching her bounce across the parking lot may be a step in the right direction, however. If I felt no remorse? Not good. I am still me... The person who can analyze until clarity takes over. And now I have to leave the subject alone because the breasts will not leave my brain. Perhaps such an incident is trying to force the threshold of my life. Stop. Ugh. At least the house is cooling into this evening. One down, one up. No more Jolene today. Back to the food network. Good God do I ever need such a change. I do see some faces here and there which drive me to drink, but never does it go further. Glimpse... Gone. Not bad. These days I really don't need anything else piled on top. I am already starting to slide down the mountain of shit. Tomorrow is Saturday and I have some things to install in the garage, as well as plant supports to assemble for the garden. God willing and the river don't rise, heat will not avert my intentions. I need to move forward with some of this stuff before I get pissed off. The issues generally move to the rear when I get busy, so as long as Mother Nature cooperates, I can get out there for more than a break. Also, my idea to add video to the garage for daily enjoyment is coming together nicely. I believe in the next week or so I can have a television dropped on the porch, after which I will put together a little platform to hold it. Nice. Also, the weather needs to cool enough for me to get up to the attic and drop some wire for the ceiling fan. That project has been idle far too long. I will take care of the usual daily stuff, too. The show will follow, I may have a drink or two, and spend some time here in preparation for moving this mess into the production environment. Steps. And the forest. I am there, partially. The move cannot happen quickly, though. Changes must take place a little at a time for me to follow and absorb each one. I will admit that part of the catalyst for the forest taking place for the first time in many years has been the others ignoring me. They helped to solidify my mindset. I thought the forest might be a good idea, and then people around me changed some and drove the point home. Well, the funny thing is no one will like it, but they helped make it happen. Sorry, assholes, you pushed. Now I am pushing back. Don't test me. One foot into it. One more and you'll know. Let the abrasive, fatalistic and uncomfortable side emerge. Suck the fluid out of it. Is there anything I have failed to address in this entry? Pissed off, full of desire, confused, in love with fantasy, still creating my own universe, and no questions answered. Why would anything change? I will give up. I swear to Christ as I sit on this fur-covered sofa, I will fucking give the hell up. The only downside to such a fact is that when I shut myself down, no one will hear it. Too bad. Believe me when I say that they really need to. When I speak loudest, it is without words. She is out there."
This site contains mature content Created by REN in Microsoft Visual Studio 2022 Copyright ©2002-2024 Brandywine Engineering All rights reserved All other trademarks, logos and graphics are the property of their respective owners Questions? Comments? Gather your thoughts and compose a message to the assholes in charge
legal
about
clodmaster
archive
home
