The entries are no longer aligned due to all of the changes and the transfer process to the new
site. We are working toward having everything in matching form. Other than that, the planet continues to rotate.
"Well, here we are. Or, more accurately, here we are again. Always, never, whatever. Get it?
If only I could have gone there so many years ago. I first dreamed back during the secondary glow -- fifteen or
so years back -- while I spent lots of time alone in the apartment. My truck was in full swing at that
time and the fascination with newly-emerging technology as well. That time is when the first dream came about
and when I laid out a heartfelt question to like-minded individuals who nearly all misunderstood. They were
nice, just missing the point. After gushing about the show (one in particular at that time), I decided to
throw the feelers out and see if anyone felt as strongly as I. I just wanted to be there, a place and time in
which all my problems could be minimized to the point of being very manageable. The idea quickly overwhelmed
my senses. Instead of simply daydreaming and picturing life there just as I did with the home designs a
decade prior, I ended up in a deep abyss of depression. And keep in mind that was a period when progress and
the upswing of everything was still going. I think I needed the change. Just as now, such a dream was not at
all possible. That may have been the beginning of me putting a tremendous effort into pushing reality to the
rear.
I have not even been able to fully define the problem. There have been occasions in which I communicated the
details but then something went awry. Nearly every time. The wonder and magic fill my brain for a while, too.
And then... Something I cannot put into words. A feeling, perhaps, and one that cannot come to pass no matter
what I say or do. There are pictures inside, like dreams built from a combination of experiences and imagery.
As soon as they begin to form, my mind tries to work out the best way to proceed. There must be understanding
or nothing will work. The last period I can recall when everything was in line seems to be many years ago,
even before the fork. Or maybe after, like in Florida. Shit, I don't know. Terry and Alexander up there this
morning, nearly the same height. I've always liked both of them.
Some sunshine out there after heavy rain last night. The concrete pad in the backyard was a lake again. Ugh.
I hope the sun remains for a while today to heat the south end of the house.
One hundred thousand lines of this shit now. Over nineteen years, although the last five have been key. I made
the decision to reveal those trips to the goblet born of a deep need for being invisible yet in a place full
of people and possibilities. And comfort of a type for which I still yearn. Elusive and tricky, that one. In
the goblet I had a hell of a time -- especially earlier trips when I literally lived from one day to the next
not knowing if my life would be cut short -- but at least was able to sink into the plush and find physical
peace and quiet. None of that is available anywhere else on earth, not even here at home. It was a unique
embrace I still have yet to fully articulate. Sitting here each morning drives my thinking to some of those
days when every fucking second was critical. Now? Nowhere near the same. Still dire, but lacking much of what
was experienced while deep in that world.
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