Halloween 2021 8:12am pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.

Dream Ash

 read ( words)

"Two days later. Two rungs lower. October 29th.


Still in the same pit as when the last entry was pushed to production. I worked yesterday morning, after which I arrived home and took care of business. Aside from being tired due to the schedule, work went fine. I'll be helping more in the coming weeks. Unfortunately, the reasoning behind the feelings lately is still plaguing me. Watching the show last night only reinforced the same. I am going to leave that particular series alone for a while because the subject matter is inflaming everything. I can't have that right now. Causality was only the beginning. Furtherance now. Deeper into the trees and seeing things I could not have imagined just a year ago. Everyone is the enemy. The bad part is I can do nothing about it. Ideally, the thought is less people, fewer voices. And fewer voices means less bullshit. Everyone is the enemy yet will remain as they are because I am powerless. The fortification has to expand now. I will attempt to demonstrate the manner in which my situation has affected the inside.

I cut my hand yesterday and it is already infected. Splendid. A small straw, but on top nonetheless. I really don't need anything else up there right now. There are enough pains in my ass.

Trouble, nearly all of the time now. The situation was not like this last year. The dream is turning to ash.

Today will be much like most others, with the usual stuff later in the morning. I will probably finish the office work for the bar afterward to get that out of the way. All the while, this situation continues to expand. Mornings without going to work are very peaceful, yet leave much room for thinking. Society had a hand in this shit, too. There can be no denying the unlimited power that social situations and media have on the psyche, and do not get me started on 'everyone has something going on'. I can't deal with everyone. I can barely deal with myself after all this time. The show last night carried forward with the imagery and how it can affect people, with me sitting there trying to play catch-up and feeling small. Those stories and characters become set in the mind and leave permanent marks. Those of us with existing holes inside cannot come to terms or rationalize everything in order to function well. I am going to have to push the fortification due to a distinct lack of options. The simple truth is I do not know how to deal with it. In and around the routine I will try to formulate some kind of plan, I guess. The quiet helps, somewhat. There is manipulative scripting present here and there, but still it does not apply to me. I keep watching and wondering why the creators and creative executives must continue to twist the knife and jade their audience -- those very same individuals who are paying dearly for the programming -- but I digress. The topic was today and what I must do in order to survive.

This is a bad time. And I need to stay away from commenting upon the media right now. The subject upset me quite a bit last night.

The previous entry outlined (albeit veiled) those parts of life which cause me to go into a tailspin and bring anger to the forefront. There is nothing I can do about much of it because the individuals who flip those switches are doing so without responsibility. They are also products of society and cannot be held accountable for the problems which develop within me as a result. The others involved are all gone. What does this mean? Well, I should be taking it easy while dealing with people in general and bottle everything for exploration here rather than flipping the fuck out and attacking. Figurative knives, guns, whatever. I can be very unfair, and believe me when I say it eats at me daily. I really need to embrace the forest mindset and outlook, but as of this writing I have done very little of it. None of this is simple. They are not at fault, honestly. They do not know what is going on inside my head because I do not talk about it. The only path now is to make nice no matter what kind of storm may be brewing. The forest is there for me. Unfortunately, I cannot fully involve myself with those lessons from the North. Not now, anyway. The causality will never go away, meaning I have a long road ahead of being completely full of shit and about as fake as one may imagine.

Maybe three rungs. I am not well.


I can't even write what is wrong. If I did, the rest of my life would be spent hiding in a hole somewhere.

There is a point when my head goes all the way to the clouds, yet each occasion ends up the same... Not good. Dysfunction, but I am not fully certain that the past is the reason. It may be more than that. I mean, those events have affected and jaded me badly, yet there may still be more which causes the problem to linger no matter the level of good. Again, I cannot spell it out. The sad truth is that I do not see a way out of this or any sort of change for the better. The damage has been done, meaning there is a hell of a hangup which does not allow me to ever be at peace with the entire idea. Maybe more, as I said. Too much. This is one of the most depressing considerations in life and there is nothing I can do about it regardless of how I may feel or what I have expressed throughout years. The clouds come and go. This is a bad time.

Saturday morning. The work was fine yesterday. I did not remain at the bar, however, choosing instead to come home to the quiet. Upon arriving, I felt a huge sense of relief. Being away from home was not bad, but still this is the best place right now. Those upcoming days when I will be needed to work can help me appreciate being here.

The dreams are turning to ash before my eyes. Something was there but no longer. The words were different. The people were different, and the mood was radically different. Unfortunately I am no different. Likely more hung up than years ago. There are three reasons I ended up like this. Only one is still current. The others are too far away anymore. Ash. This morning I am feeling that familiar despondence with regard to typical days and normal ways of life, meaning later I will probably brush the nap of society backwards while working around the house. First, I am completely fed up with this feeling that never goes away, and second, tomorrow is Halloween and I must have the fucking garage in order if we are to be out there for the kids. The forest will help, I believe, because the fall and the holiday go hand-in-hand with my past dreams of escape to a place in which the biggest problems in life can be shoved aside in favor of mere survival. I may need to embrace whatever is left just to breathe. And? To avoid the rest of my dreams turning to ash. I do not like this period.

The first, mentioned above, happens to be one of the most important and stirring aspects of life and I have not been able to do anything for understanding or to minimize the impact upon my ability to be near other people. I just don't get it and no one else can explain it to me. Yesterday morning was very difficult before I finally arose to work around the house prior to going out. At one point I did not see a reason to do anything at all, no matter the importance. Part of me wished to sit here and disregard the entire world while I typed for the rest of my life. A couple of meals per day, a few drinks and a good supply of water, and then the bathroom down the hall. No going out, no nothing. Of course such a plan is ridiculous, yet one can see from the words just how far down I have been pounded by the dreams as opposed to this minimal reality. This is a bad time. I can't let it go or forget. There are hours -- like later today when I move outside to work in the cool, dry air -- when there is enough distraction or responsibility to cause everything to fall away as I focus elsewhere, although even during such stretches I still feel nagged by all that is missing. Without those little periods here and there? Dead.

Mostly overcast outside as the light is coming up. This is the time of day when I see possibility. It is here right now. Perhaps the last thought in the previous paragraph will hold true today. I can only hope. Enough has been burned away already. Those little things must remain or I will become even more of a problem to others. The 'morning feeling' is very important, too. Knowing I can sit here during the early hours and await the upswing means each night becomes a bit more comfortable and contains less worry. I will fully appreciate this while it lasts. At some point during the mid-morning it may burn along with the rest. I can do nothing about the other problems. There must be something else, somewhere. I suppose we will have to wait and see how much time passes before any feelings of disillusionment begin to take a set. No mold release this time. Whatever grows out of being so disappointed in life cannot be reversed any longer. Permanence, just like the verbal, material and semantic parts making up the spell of the same name. Maybe heading back in time within the mind can help me become angry enough to really make some changes.

Images of runway models are both good and bad. I see manipulation along with form, duality right alongside the wonder. I may remove them in favor of vampires. Laugh it up.


All ash now. I do not see a future in which any of it is either fixed or improved upon. Something will have to be altered in order for me to remain at least somewhat comfortable and able to function despite the missing pieces. This morning I am depressed as usual, yet the constructive thinking is also present. I know not how this happens. Maybe an automatic defense mechanism designed to kick in when I am most vulnerable and concerned over being too far down. I've mentioned those little enjoyments which kept me going throughout the pandemic last year and into the beginning of this year. They are still there, just smaller somehow. Less of an impact. Less appealing, too. Those devices really helped. Maybe I can combine them sometimes to keep my head from fully descending into that place mentioned above from which there seems no easy answer. Or, no answer at all. This is a bad time.

Pile the causality on top and the sandwich is too big of a bite. Mustard? Hmm... We may return to the mustard and the caverns if necessary. Those words are usually driven by anger, though. I am angry, but right now it is not directed toward people. The mustard has little to do with the sandwich. Follow along. Jamie has one purple braid on the right and a naturally-colored braid on the left side of her dark hair. I never noticed them before. Anyway, there is too much for me to keep this shit organized. Ash is easy. Just sweep it up and toss it into the yard. Eventually it becomes one with the soil. Dream ash, too. Burned for all time. No mustard, either. Losing it again. Watch the words.

The only saving grace about Noah is the fact that he wears a GW-7900 on his wrist. Other than that? Pile of shit.

No way out of this. The morning is decent and quiet, yet everything will come crashing into my head soon enough. I already know it. The damned day had better add up to something. This is waning, anyway. The chores and preparation await, meaning I'll have to close this down for the day and move along with anything else, literally... Anything to get the shit out of my head, even just for a while. Little coffee left now. Ash all around.

Last cup of coffee. Half past eight right now. Gangsters there but I'm not paying much attention. Last night were the vampires, hence the change in imagery within this entry. Josephine looked really nice with the stretched nature of her runway images, yet the subject matter is only half driven by appearance. The heavier part is desperation and depression, so lots of blue-gray, dark imagery from the show seems more appropriate. Besides, I really like Alexander's character. He's my favorite. I only wish I could be more like him. Images of the character may take over for while because of the previous thought combined with my need to push away the models for a while. They are beginning to inflame the already shitty damage from the past. As I said before, there is no solution, so distancing myself from such levels of attractiveness can help in some ways. Josephine is basically the physical equivalent to Joe. I cannot go into it beyond such a statement because half of my existence has already been lopped off by one simple thought at the worst possible time. And? Joe is my second favorite character. Er... Maybe Pamela. Not sure. The point is I can include Alexander here sometimes as a sidestep from the norm and the result may help me. I need the assistance right now, and since people are turning to shit, I'll have to prescribe my own lessons.

Wow, am I ever pissy now. Maybe I should have avoided bringing it up, but now what the fuck... Too late. Even if I delete the text, thinking remains. Cunty again. Why should I be any different? Beer cans on the grass? Don't know yet. We'll have to see if this shit mood expands or contracts. I have little control these days and the tiniest reference at the optimal time can light the fuse. That was last week and probably initiated by me, but still... Nothing can be reversed. Pissy. Cunty. Ugh.

I suppose the ashes and anger will help me get the garage in order so it is presentable for tomorrow night. I don't have much along the lines of pride lately, so the garage must be highlighted for others to see and for my head to relax a measure. I built the thing. Still a bit capable despite being jammed halfway to hell through the fucking dirt. Again with the distraction? Yeah... Again with the distraction. Nearly all I have now. Heading toward nine and I am still sitting here. 270 published essays and I am worse off now than back in the old days. I believe the pluses back then outweighed the minuses by a wider margin than at present. Anyway, the garage, I suppose. The office work was completed yesterday, so perhaps my next tasks there will be in the bar itself, one of them sitting in my car at this moment. Part of the garage work today can be a speaker mount for the bar. I can get that out of the way and back where it needs to be early in the week. Tomorrow I'll be there for the game and then straight home to prepare for the kids. That means I need to have much in order today so I can ease the time and relax for the game. I have to get out there soon.


Poor Anna. Always super positive and looking upward, yet still she fucked up enough to cause more trouble than I'd care to describe. That's why she's on the wheel in the image above. And this song makes me cringe but it's part of the episode. David scored everything so well that I almost can't bitch about it. But honestly? The worst lyrics and about as threatening as it gets for someone like me. Can't fucking stand it. Any other show would be discarded like trash if the song was within it. This one has to stay.

Everything turns to ash. This is a bad time.

The dreams are completely beyond my control, something not good by any stretch. You already know the control to which I am referring. It applies to almost everything in life. Dreams are another story, however. Those at night during sleep can be inspiring or debilitating, but those in reality are much worse. Never inspiring. I am far too intelligent to sit here and believe that things can change. All that shit from others, you know? I've already railed about that crap in the previous entry (I think). That was a tough one and driven by fear. Much anger, but honestly the fear creates everything negative. Dreams. The big one up this page a bit is going to be the death of me, for sure. Give it some more years and watch what happens. Ash. No control. No inspiration. Little enjoyment. Everything hinges upon just two dreams, one being a pebble and the other a mountain. The latter is very bad and I still do not understand why things develop the way they do. Even after all this time and exposition, I have zero answers aside from the obvious two fucking shit situations from decades ago. There is nothing else I've realized. No control. No reasoning. And no fucking Goddamned help.

Coffee nearly gone.

Sunday morning. There were dreams again but I can't remember. What I do recall is another switch moved into the open position last night while I watched the dragons. I sat there and wondered what might change before going to sleep. A period of hours. Now I am post-rest and sitting with coffee again. The mindset is similar, although I have to admit this morning everything seems worse. This means I need to pay close attention and consider any actions or decisions before carrying them out. I also must keep quiet. The dreams mentioned above have faded and are unrelated to what is currently happening. I believe there was much going on during sleep, though. There is a lingering feeling that wonder was being felt. All gone. Sunday is going to bow to my wishes in order to escape what took place last night and send a small message to those nearby. I wish I could recall what transpired in the dreams. May have been empowering.

Today is the holiday. Tonight I'll be out there with the color on and a bowl of candy. The bad parts and shit situations will have to be shoved aside in favor of the holiday mood. The ash of the past will return in force as it does every year, and then the glow will begin to pull at my psyche. This is a bad time. I'll have to keep all those comforts in mind as the evening passes by, lest the bad time take over as it nearly did last night. I can't have that during a holiday. Not one soul who visits this house on a day when all should be enjoying will experience any of my current mood. Unfair, as I always say. But I can switch off the unfair from time to time for the benefit of others (if they are worth the effort). I will perform the act later this morning when arriving at the bar. Fakest fakesy fakester. The fakinator... An entirely different person on the outside as the inside performs its typical calculations. Strikes? They don't matter. Not right now. I will be hiding away much more than usual in order to avoid any imperial entanglements before dealing with young people tonight. The holiday means I need to keep myself in check.

Honestly? The typical 'known' on the outside. Different on the inside, yet no one knows it. Oh, of course it's all splayed out here like a dead vampire, but nothing specific is involved. I carry out entire conversations and whomever is standing before me has not a clue as to who they are speaking with nor what goes on inside me during such exchanges. I just remain right there seemingly paying attention in order to keep up the appearance others already know. The truth is I just don't give a fuck and do not wish to hear voices any longer. Of course, such a position is nearly impossible if I am to continue living within this little sphere, so I must put up with some of what is thrown at me despite the fact that I'm sick of it. Think of it as paying the fucking tab. Today will be a good example of my sitting in a room with other people but not being there at all. A dead and reanimated body going through whatever motions are expected and known. Such behavior is necessary in order to get what I want. Those people do it, too, but I don't care. My own survival must take precedence.

I need to replace this keyboard, and soon.

Almost the end of my quiet morning. I'll have to care for a few small items before heading out in a little while so that the work is eased upon returning after the game. My afternoon needs to be comfortable and productive at the same time. I keep thinking of Monday being right around the corner, too. A good thing. The switches await. Still, all of the good that I can make happen still pales when considering the dreams and their current state of decomposition. All that time I should have fucking known this would take place, but I did not think about the bad stuff very often during those bloated times. I pushed everything away, just like when Andrea and I began to realize we were in a giant dream bubble and completely isolated, yet later the reality we would eventually reenter was going to hurt, bad. And it did. Still does, really. Right now I am not in a bubble. The only fake world is the one I project. Years ago it was the other way around. Had I attempted to keep my head out of my ass during those years, this current shit period may have been eased. A bit of planning or even the smallest amount of consideration for my circumstances could have opened the door to a better situation. I did nothing. I sat there and watched everything gather into a pile throughout the course of many years and then be set ablaze by yours truly. Ash. Dream... Ash.

All this shit is meaningless, really. I just keep typing because the act has become a habit, the norm, or something along those lines. Nothing here can be truly understood by anyone without me explaining. And if you believe you know what all this means, well... Good luck. You are mistaken. Three levels of bullshit do not lend a clue. Plus, I don't fucking care anyway. People can take a flying leap for all I care. Go back to the electronic opium which is already right there in your hand and browse the stupidity.

This will come to an end soon enough."