September 21st, 2021 11:44am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Frightwork read ( words) "Wednesday, early. Still dark outside. Not like those days in which I'm up in the middle of the night, but early like when I used to do laundry at five in the morning on Saturdays. Those were the times of the two computers and two monitors. Now I have only this machine just in case I need to be portable or move somewhere. Hmm. The fortification came back to mind. I haven't considered that idea for some weeks. Anyway, today I will not have the house to myself -- nor tomorrow -- but I can still work on some things. The usual, and then perhaps holing up in the garage for a while. Still with the vampires. Coffee. Yesterday I acquired a sizeable cabinet from my neighbor as he replaced it with a toolbox. It will be more storage for the garage and I already have a couple of ideas for a location. I'll have to clean it a little and then do some reinforcing, but overall it's pretty stout for being old. Later this morning I'll have some time to myself and perhaps I can work toward such an end. I also have the routine and a bit of dry cleaning. So far this morning I am trying to rid myself of last night's bad mood. The effort is not going real well right now. There is Lizzy and her somewhat-goofy eyes again. I haven't written a word about her or Ryan in months. Too funny, that pair. Lizzy can't hold a candle to Carrie, though. 'Arlene' is still the queen of airheads. There is something about Lizzy, however, and I am not referring to anything bad. She did tons of nude and sex scenes on this show with Ryan (and I read she was so nervous that she had to have half a snootful in order to survive the filming), so her appearance outside those clothes is well-known. But there is something else and I can't put my finger on it. Whatever. Cute, but different. Throughout the day I will be following this show as I am taking a break from the gangsters. Wherever the time takes me, those people will be along for the ride. Lots of people were goo ga over Anna but I have always felt the complete opposite. I probably went into the subject last year. Can't recall. Maybe Lizzy's dark hair and eyes are the key whereas Anna is half the reverse; blonde/dark. Others always say it best. Be it song lyrics or some moving quote in media, everything has already been said and done, leaving my words to seem minimally impacting. Does it matter? I don't know. Fortification and preparation. The garage will be the main deal with this shit, too. The more organized and accessible the garage becomes, the more I can care for things inside the house. I need the room to think clearly. Last night I calculated that there is only one path for me on this site, and that is to just lay out the most important bullet points related to what I have been writing. They are as follows: No one is ever going to know the full truth or have a clear enough picture of what takes place here to fully grasp the text. I am too closed off, unfair, selfish and unforgiving to bend and allow another person into the fold. Control over the content and meaning here is beginning to be the only control I hold in the world, and as you probably already know, without control I cannot deal with other people. The cocoon I have built for myself is the only place I will ever be remotely comfortable. Eventually my entire existence will be pared down to one room and a few things. I am already considering work toward such a situation. No more therapy will be embraced nor will I entertain ideas from anyone else. This is it. Cut and dry. Not only am I being unfair, but also unwilling to listen to another human being. There you go. Why do I keep dreaming of Asian women? I will sit here for the duration and embrace what I enjoy and do what I have to in order to earn my place in this house and be comfortable. The same shows, food, writing, whatever... Day in and day out for the remainder. Again, fortification and preparation. As soon as I close this off for the morning that is the direction of choice. Not many are going to understand my situation or outlook. Some of what I do may be unsettling or even frightening, especially considering my penchant for standing outside the 'norm' of life and loving it. I never wanted to be a predictable person, yet the more I tried to be unpredictable, the more people expected such behavior and eventually knew how I would react to certain situations. That is hilarious when the point in the first place was to make others guess. Oopsie. Anyway, no more of that type of thinking. I'll just do what I need for myself and others, leaving out any posturing. That can be tiring and ridiculous. Chris Bauer is fucking awesome. The light is up now, meaning I can get out there anytime. I just learned that the goddess has a metal recycling notice for tomorrow morning, so I will have to look around at anything that can go. That is excellent considering how badly I wish to clear shit out of the house and garage. And here comes the sun, too. Yes, I said I am unfair, and that is a fact others just have to deal with right now because I cannot bend for fear of appearing as something I am not. At least I know it, though. There will no longer be any denying that I am a difficult person. I figure if I lay enough out here, people may cease with the questions all the time. I used to say the direction was down, but now it is sideways. God damn does Lafayette have some baggy pants. I think he wins the prize. Heh. Lateral now rather than to the reverse. That is fine. Thursday morning. Vampires along with a maenad. Yikes. So, yesterday was the beginning of the frightening work. Mostly the garage, but a bit in here too. I will try to continue with the same path today. I really need to keep this feeling going, lest I fall into the past again and wallow. The last time I did that was bad for those around me. I must be careful. First on the list yesterday was the hedge again. It's disappearing a little at a time, yet the stumps are going to be a bitch. Not that frightening, you say? The end result will be what matters most. I have to shove all that other shit to the rear and ignore it like a proper dysfunctional person and pick a direction. Yes, just like Jack said way back in the eighties. The crap which resided within Arina has to be dealt with eventually, but not right now. As I said, two are impossible, one is just plain depressing, and the last is the only facet of her which could actually be possible given the correct circumstances. I may never know, though. Not good. In the meantime I will continue to straighten out the physical aspects of this house and bide my time until something materializes. The work is scary because no one is going to understand why I am carrying on with it. The bullet points true themselves with each passing day and I need to figure a way of remaining stable and still able to consider them without flipping the fuck out. 'There comes a time in life when you realize everything you know about yourself is all just conditioning. It's the rare man who truly knows who he is.' -- Eddie Gauthier A turning point is now required more than ever. I've been treading water and stale on the rails far too long. This is unacceptable. The situation continues to illuminate solutions to one facet or another, yet I am sitting here just like the last many hundreds of days since the outset of the 'Jaime' period, otherwise known as a netherworld. Floating within. 'We may have to take steps' is always a good one (thanks, Michael), but unless one of my feet actually moves forward I cannot reasonably expect anything to change. The frightwork may be one of those steps to pull me upward for a time. One physical example is the hedge along our driveway. I stared day after day and then for whatever reason began chopping it to pieces. As I said, that one is merely physical, but it can represent the crossing of a line. I need to go further now, and I am not referring to yard work. I must keep the house quiet this morning. At some point I will shut this down and move to the garage for a while and continue where I left off yesterday. The beer tap handles are all up on the wall above my tool box and looking pretty nice. Last night I illuminated everything and the results are positive. Those handles have been floating around the cabinets out there for years. They are finally up and out of the way. Also, the cabinet I appropriated from the neighbor is in position and I can store things inside. It looks much better than the stack of chairs which previously occupied the end of the bench. I may still customize the look of it but not yet. Bigger fish, like always. The routine can't kick off until I can make noise in here. The high holiday means she sleeps late. Trued and blued. Screwed? Maybe. The more I looked, the more I saw, but did I see everything? Just like years ago when I dreamed of that little Asian woman, nothing was completely clear. Blurry, foggy, something. I saw some of her. I don't understand why that subject continues to create questions. Always with the Asians, yet during daylight hours the same feelings do not occur. Not even close. If that is emotion from the 'Asian glow' back during the early zeros, I have to find a way to shut it off. I do not feel the same any longer. Sometimes I wish they would just leave my head and never come back. The current period is rife with preoccupations, and another is not what I need. I have gone back to those days of the 'seeing' many times recently, the subject of my mental health notwithstanding, and recalling moments that cannot return no matter the effort. Two dreams placed me within reach of something similar to that doll so many years ago, and then awakening only caused despair and confusion. I saw way back when, but now all I see are images which do not even seem real anymore. The tiny girl standing beside me was a pretty stark example of mapping my brain. I know I manufactured that dream out of desire, too. No getting around that one. But I do not want to allow anything to jade my current mindset. Is any of this clear? Doubtful. The Asian thingy from the zeros has faded quite a bit, but still my head goes in such directions while asleep. I'm tired of it, too. And don't start reading into some sort of suppressed need because it isn't fucking there. Shut up. They are only dreams. I'm beginning to think that dreaming of such things is the real frightwork. I have no control over it. Ugh. Anyway... Almost time to put this aside. The entries are very slow these days because I'm trying to avoid retreading shit over and over. That even bores the hell out of me. No more Arina, yet some of what she was built with cannot be denied. The bullet points up there indicate I need to avoid some things while writing because if I can't fucking solve them there is little purpose in belaboring everything. Friday morning arrives without fanfare, yet still this could be a good day considering the last two were not up my fucking alley. We shall see what can be done about this. Jamie is a little blurry due to the capture, but whatevah Shy of eight in the morning and I am left to my devices and comforts for the day. Sitting here earlier and working on an anniversary image for the upcoming twenty-year mark for the site has been both unnerving and relaxing. I have never been terribly educated with PS, meaning I generally have to locate a stock image and then heavily modify the thing for my own purposes. That is perfectly acceptable, although I'd feel better if I knew how to create all of it myself like in the old days. Oh, well... At least it will match the theme. Maybe if I had all the money I've spent maintaining this space for all these years I could have paid for a good course in school. Not funny. Frightening work today? I don't know yet. There are few aspects to the routine because everything remained in good order since yesterday. That means I can head in different directions once my usual stuff is complete. Some cleaning is in order, methinks. Switchy. No more of that Asian crap. The most likely reasons are dark hair and eyes, also often those I've seen out in the world are slender. No big deal. There may still be imagery here, however the focus will remain their faces. Dreams will no longer enter this space. Some years ago I did a bunch of reading on the subject, and the general consensus was the idea of many from Asian cultures being rather demure. Don't crucify me for such a thought because I did not go into the idea. The dreams touched upon it, however. I have no control over them. If Freud was correct in stating dreams are wishes, well... My selfish and controlling nature can speak to such ideas, along with all I wrote regarding machinery (I've already received flap about it). That is all I will say. Switchy again. This show is more twisted than any other. It can put the gangsters to shame. The holiday feeling entered this morning while outside. We are at the outset of fall, too. I used to get this inkling to embrace the last three months of the year right around the same time, too. Years of it. While it is my favorite time of year with pro football and cooler weather, I don't believe this year can compare to what has already passed into history. Yes, that is a negative determination before the season has even kicked off, but understand that my current position in life is bereft of options. The only holiday cheer I can embrace will be inside this house and quite thin when compared to the last two decades. That is sad, indeed. I'll have to do my best to remain standing through the next three holidays and see what may await the beginning of another calendar year. '...driven in toto by his insecurities.' We are going to roll on the same rails for a while because the compulsion is overwhelming. That fucking realization is like a nail sticking out of my head and awaiting a hammer blow to fully seat. I brought up the frightwork due to a combination of fear and anger. While upset, I generally work around the house faster and create imagery which often puts people off. They don't like it. I will have to engage in such behavior today and see where the rails lead. A little bit at a time. The woman on the screen right now is named Olivia. Very interesting, that one. Anyway, I need to focus today. Like, much more than I have during the recent months. Nothing is going to change if I don't force the issue. Everything just sits and stares back at me as if to say, 'come on... do something.' I don't like it one bit, yet I cannot deny being idle and somewhat stagnant for a long time. My own limitations, honestly, and I am hoping the anger helps. Hence, frightwork. Changes which other people will not appreciate. Stop. Well the noon hour has arrived and my shit is complete. I had to run to the hardware for smoke alarms and install them to satisfy the appraisal. That is also complete. I should have replaced them months ago but it kept slipping my mind in light of all this other crap going on (my brain). At least it's finished and I sent off the images. Also, I reconfigured the file cabinet and moved it into the office atop my safe. Another item which would have been better finished a while ago to save my back. File cabinet on the floor equals lots of bending down. Not good. I don't know if I feel like working in the garage. Vampires, shifters and werewolves have been following the entire time. Twisted, but at least I know them pretty well. Remember all those remarks about goofy Arlene and gorgeous Dawn? Daphne, too, but unfortunately she is dead. Oh, Dawn is also dead. Too bad. Now the story is becoming political from a 'psycho' standpoint. I can't remember when the lovely Nora shows up, though. Soon enough, I expect. And the imagery which has the power to cripple me appears all the time. Whatever. Sometimes I fucking hate it and other times I understand the ways of the world. Jesus holy hell in a blood-filled syringe, this show is at the limit. Unreal. That which I see and then feel is a sickness, and a bad one. Obsession. Torture. Loss, always. Every fucking second of every fucking day. Loss after loss after loss. When I see the opposite? Unfair, just like me. Write it down. Too much. The duality and not fully knowing (trust requirement, for sure) combine to cut me to ribbons. I already fucking know, anyway. I know of the not knowing. Might as well write that crap down, too. Out of gas. Ugh... Tired. Six, two and even has disappeared in favor of frightening thought processes. Halloween cannot arrive soon enough. And the more I see and experience the massive, unrelenting talent flowing from Nelsan, the more I want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay. Too fucking late, that one. His loss is almost as great as that of Joseph. Bless them to no end. I might grab the dark chocolates and drag them through natural peanut butter just for the therapeutic value. 12:23pm. This might be the end of my day. One of my cats just visited for some love. 12:44pm and not a word since the above line. Maybe I'm not into this right now. Time to build a Bugatti. Stop. I suppose we can just erase Saturday. I did quite a bit, beginning with a ride to the airport and then returning to do my usual stuff, but honestly the day now appears as a waste aside from the morning. Even my work in the new office went really well but doesn't seem to matter now. I relocated a few things and displayed more stuff above my bench. A little organization, too. Honestly? That space is fine. Most of the time I go out there as if programmed by the past. All those years of working on whatever, often with one of my friends or another. We were always doing something for the cars. Well, I can't do anything like that now without replacing my very modern and advanced vehicle with something older. I've considered it, too, almost entirely for nostalgia. But as for the garage, I may have to avoid tooling around out there for a while and stick to only whatever is necessary for daily living. The house feels neglected sometimes. Not bad, just sort of. I guess, anyway. Yesterday really hit me with the garage and brotherhood subjects. We had some conversation as I stood right smack in the middle of the atmosphere I created throughout years and I began to feel very small. Fortunately I have become a master of hiding everything and snowing the whole fucking world. I am glad I took her to the airport again, though, because it's helpful and I like going there. The work after went very well, too. Still, the day feels a waste. I know not why. Now Sunday has arrived and I am very pleased to be holed up here for the duration. You can bet your ass I will appreciate each moment and avoid awakening tomorrow filled with regret. Speaking of Sunday, I have the usual business along with the football game at ten, and then whatever seems most important afterward. I do like the early games sometimes, although if I indulge too much the afternoon can feel heavy. I'll have to be careful. Garbage, too. And no frightwork whatsoever. I need to reevaluate where I am going with that stuff. After last night's conversation and my seeing how I appear to other people, the situation may take priority over everything else for a while. I must say after decades of trying to appear one way to the general public, I am exhausted but cannot make a change. Not anymore. So, I will care for the house today and remain behind the doors until tomorrow morning. The frightwork and project of working on my insides which have been preoccupations for many months will have to sit idle for now. This is not good and taking the wind out of my sails, and in a different way from all the issues. I knew I was in a small space to begin with (and for many years), however now the subject seems to be pushing me into something even tinier. Cornered, perhaps. I have to keep the facade in place all the time combined with being here as often as possible these days. If anything slips I'll be destroyed instantly. Such is the idea today... Study time while home. I am not going anywhere, possibly until Tuesday when I pick her up at the airport. And the frightening work. What about that stuff now? I have plans, but no ambition anymore. Maybe I should have left that subject out of this crap. Or maybe it doesn't matter either way because much of the time my titles are meaningless anyway. Heh. At least there is no mention of 'Arina' in the title this time. I have big ideas for moving forward with how people see me (hopefully, anyway). Nothing frightening despite the word here, just different. Two gears meshed late last night and engaged some thought processes which would have been better avoided, honestly. Those gears were the catalyst for my shutting down the evening. I suppose that is one advantage to hosting something in my garage. So when combined with my apparent look to others, the evening really took its toll on my brain. The frightwork seems minimal now. Switch. Unprovoked thoughts this morning. Duality, hideous bullshit flying in every direction, feelings which are undeniable yet behind the world's largest fucking smokescreen. I have to come to terms with this crap one way or another, lest it destroy me completely. That is another reason for remaining holed up here because all that shit relates directly to what took place last night in the garage. If I head out into the world for any reason, others may see it in my eyes and I simply cannot have that. I appear weak enough already. I keep saying that I must take steps, yet they continue to elude my vision. I know not which way to turn. The second line of this paragraph is a good portion of it, as well. Trouble from the word 'go'. Deborah is fucking stunning and not even close to what I normally find attractive. Red hair and blue/green eyes. Very different. Maybe her character's demeanor is part of it. Anyway, another step I can take is keeping as quiet as possible to avoid inviting commentary from another gaping maw. I need more words and speculation from people like I need Satan's fucking trident in my ass. Quiet is the word. Internal work, internal privacy, external blankness. I just hope I can do it without losing my way. One lacking trait is my ability to be strong when necessary. Sometimes, but not generally when it is critical. I'll run away instead. This is turning into a big mess. What am I talking about? Wow is she ever gorgeous sometimes. Whatever. I don't need to be reminded of that gaping problem right now. Plenty going on already. Right now I'll have to be careful because the whole of the population is beginning to appear as an enemy. That includes every living, breathing soul. Enemies. I have to cool off and keep the most critical terms the hell out of this content. Back to Sunday. The game is on in just over half an hour. In and around the sports I can get my things done, and she will be in the city as usual meaning I need not worry about any distractions. These past few months I've done a good job of tossing unimportant stuff into the trash even though we have the smallest gray can. I can be quite creative and patient, and those add up to getting large items into the can over time and in very small pieces. Heh. The other two cans are no big deal. Isn't this exciting? Garbage talk? You must be thrilled at the wording. This woman on the screen is lovely, yet with a very subtle adjustment to her facial expression she appears menacing. Not good. Beautiful hair, though. Eh... Actors and makeup/hair experts. You know. Where was I? Garbage day? Who cares? This is like filler as I try to think of whatever else can be said. Arlene is so goofy sometimes. This is the perfect situation at the ideal time. After yesterday, the bullshit I've been spouting recently can be pushed back (somewhat, and only if there are no strikes) in favor of the crap from last night. This day is pretty much whatever I make of it, meaning the game and my usual work are going to feel blissful. I still need to wait a couple of hours for her to leave for the city, though. In the meantime I can chip away at some stuff and kill time while watching the morning game. Just a few minutes and I'll be following along. And Monday morning now. Two pluses today, one being the backed-up bullshit EDD benefits finally cleared their biggest hurdle. Now I have resources enough to restock come of the household items that have been waning and continue a couple of projects which remained stagnant since July. The other plus is Monday. In roughly an hour I will have this house to myself. The routine, an appointment to return the cable equipment, and a trip to the cleaners. I'll also have to fill the car with fuel. More exciting activity, right? I watched the game yesterday, worked on a few things, and then relaxed with one of the big cars on and off as the afternoon rolled by. The entire time here alone was rife with concern, however. I could not fully enjoy anything all day due to machinery at work inside which limits my ability to rise above the din and relax. Now I remember why Brit's shoulders were a point of writing last year. They are unique. Too bad her character can be reprehensible and disgusting. Heh. Anyway, my appointment is just after ten, and then I'll roll back into town for two more errands and then home again. I am hoping to find some solace once the responsibilities are completed. The routine is minimal today. Part of the difficulty these last few days is one issue in particular pushing me down and related to the shit the other night while bullshitting in the garage. I am going to need lots of good things happening in order to keep that problem at bay. Being out and about is not my first choice, however it may just help me find some nice mental space later. Scrape again. Not bad, though. I enjoy watching this show despite the fact that quite often it is completely insane. I have to say that as far as trouble brewing through media, this series contains not only every single aspect, but much of it fuels the subject from the other night as well as the fucking duality and concern over who I am. Watching alone is no big deal, yet the reminders are still there. Feelings can be drawn like a sword and then dredge up a combination of anger and fear, soon leading to ideas of striking back through frightening work indicative of my diminished mood. Wow, that was a mouthful. The fact is my first avenue of choice is to increase the depth of my facade and bring it out to the space within which I live to show others that I am not the individual to be trifled. The problem with such posturing is I may not have the strength to carry forward, and therein lies a massive relationship to the two points at the beginning of this paragraph. Around and around we go, where we stop nobody knows. No matter the depth of feeling revealed to me, I still know full well of what is actually taking place and I can't fucking stand it. I have to be me. The push inside my head to create imagery and moods that will put people off cannot be avoided any longer. I said I have to be me. Well, I also have to protect what is going on inside as a result of too much damage. There may be no possibility of recovery, but there is always the frightwork. The only option I continue to see is to hide myself from everyone and display bullshit. I believe going out today will facilitate my working more around the house in favor of sitting with the model. Generally speaking, energy begats energy. It is not merely a saying. There is also motivation as of yesterday to bring the old speakers inside and rearrange some things so this room looks better. Small steps each day. Time to get away from this for a while. Nothing can be solved. I just keep thinking. I'll return again, but the reasons are no different now than they were in the beginning. Jaime was there, and then another, and then someone else, eventually the cat eyes. Memories of real people and images of those I've gushed over. Tons of words on the screen -- many repeated on more occasions than I care to count -- and then tons more. Little to no reason. I am better in some ways and worse in others. There are very few clear thoughts here, though. I must keep everything so tightened that others cannot understand. Whatever. Tuesday morning, early. Vampires, werewolves, shifters and faeries all over the place. Heh. Coffee. 'People don't change. They just find new ways to lie.' Yesterday's efforts failed for the most part. I experienced a ton of difficulty regarding the show, memories of the 'Jolaimora' period last year, and became struck upside the head again. By dinner my head was awash with concern over the future. The strike was equal helpings desire and realization. I don't need that kind of shit right now. There is enough going on inside on a daily basis for me to handle without having some fucking amazing beauty thrown in my face, and one which has been there before. A few words, some idle joking and a smile later, and my brain went through the permutations beyond Internet speed as I walked out the door. Returning home helped because I was able to care for my chores and keep busy for hours. Shortly thereafter, the lovely Nora graced the screen again after not being there in all her HD glory since last year. She is up there with Eric at this moment, all dark and light at the same time. The 'ora' in Jolaimora was herself. And then the other face which I had forgotten -- another Jamie -- slapped me and left an imprint of everything I've become. Last night I barely computed dinner before relaxing. Too much in the same day. The market proved to me that nothing will change in the future. I've steered clear of people for quite some time now, and having believed that remaining within my little cocoon could protect me in some ways meant that I dove in with both feet. Now I see that the tiniest little scrape and I'm back at square one. No passing go and no collecting the two hundred. No six, two and even, either. All it takes is a vision -- generally unexpected and along the lines of what took place at the race (yes, that again) -- for no more than a moment and I regress and degrade into my own kind of machine after having been lifted God-knows how far thanks to a tremendous effort. I am exactly the same. The beginning of this section just after the lovely image pretty much says it all. I am beyond help. All that compensation which began with worry and ended with desire was a bunch of bullshit. Maybe I was lying to myself and believing I would be ok and just take everything in stride. Well, nope. As if the race wasn't enough to prove my weakness and desperation, the little beauty there behind the counter cemented everything for all time. Bullshit now. Bullshit all over the place. That crap from the last couple of days which had been connected with conversation in my garage the other night came up yesterday as well. Yep, that shit. There are lines in this world that are better left alone, or at least understood as unable to move from the get-go. I have not been able to do that because my brain cannot handle the tiniest reference before falling on my face. There can be no passing the problems along or understanding what is most important due to existing situations in my head. Those grew out of the past and still command my well-being to this very second. I think the real frightwork is within. I honestly do. I suppose today will be no different than yesterday aside from going to the market. My trip over the hill went very well and quite fast. The downward spiral did not take place until long after returning home. I won't be going over to that store today. I don't need any more shit upside the head. I'll remain here until leaving for the airport this afternoon and take care of my usual business. There are gears at work in me which I need to organize and perhaps deal with, meaning the physical work will probably be minimal. I did much yesterday. I need to work harder at finding distractions, but unfortunately that also means I am pushing away the problems instead of facing them. Whatever else can be done seems insurmountable right now. Add a scrape to the pile this morning. The fact of the frightwork came about due to feeling dissatisfaction with the manner in which my brain has processed certain aspects of life and then the anger resulting from an inability to find a peaceful solution to the same. Nora is so unique. Damn. Anyway, the previous thought is going to continue rolling the rails into the future with nary a care for my well-being, meaning I will only end up becoming more and more angered by the simplistic platitudes and offsetting fucking shit I have to perform just to deal with other people. I'm sick of it, to be honest. Hence the additional anger. There are devices working against me. Hurtful, unfeeling devices wielded by people. They have been here since the dawn of time and will continue until the end of the world. All the frightwork I am to perform cannot make a dent (scrape?) in one of them, but I will probably try anyway. I have little else to look forward. Today is about to begin. A few minutes and I will do the morning business before returning to this machine and the next entry. More of the same words and different imagery, but the same of everything else. You already know nothing will change, right? Good. This afternoon I will be venturing to the airport again for the pickup and subsequent drop off. I'm looking forward to being in the terminal again and seeing her. Hopefully that drive and operation do not end up the only worthwhile parts of this day. Pause. Eh... This entry shall continue until such time as I feel it is enough. Plus I had to include Nora's beauty which means at least one more section. Hard to believe I forgot about her for such a long time. That right there just goes to redefine the depths of my weakness and instability. God fucking damn it all, that woman is beautiful. Ugh. No wonder she became part of the combination And there she was again. Purple dress and stunning from any angle. My insides are completely broken. 'Oh God!' 'God is a vampire.' Instant broken neck. That is fucking awesome. This show can be a touch violent. Heh. The girl at the market is not like the race girl. Completely different feeling there. The race girl started as a form and then went into a completely unexpected and wondrous direction. She also provided insight into just how weak and desperate I have become. The one at the market was form only, although her eyes appeared kind. I've seen her on a number of occasions, too. Usually she falls away within minutes of my returning to business. This time is different because she immediately became equated to the car dealer so long ago, and such a fact is just plain fucking bad. Experiencing desire while watching a program on the television is completely safe for more reasons than are necessary. Up the street is another story. My brain goes further than it should. Yesterday it did just that. Damn it all, Nora is wearing jeans and heels. Fuck me in a thong. Anyway, I do not see anything changing in the future. The reality is I run into problems more often than I can handle these days, and knowing such shit was taking place more than two decades ago, flared God-knows how many times since, and again just yesterday means I am getting worse. Up the page a ways I mentioned some crap related to the duality and other people's words versus the sum of everything in my head, and now even that level of difficulty is being squashed at times. Derailed. My thinking immediately drives the train toward escape, damage, and all manner of reckless behavior at whatever cost and pointed to a place I am better off avoiding completely. Something has to change, yet I don't see a method. One of these days I will roll to that market and find myself completely unable to cope. One of the two biggest issues with me is on the screen right now. Never me. Just... You know. I am me. I cannot be anything else. Thanks to the past and some unchangeable shit situations, all I can do is watch and lament what is typing these words. The current period is worse than I have tried to describe. Frightwork? Where did that shit go? All fucked up this morning. I have things to do today. Mostly the kitchen because we thrashed it last night. I don't mind. The show will follow me through the house as I work and keep me company. And if the imagery becomes too much I can switch to something else. I thought about GoT recently, however that became a huge point of contention a few years ago and I really don't think it's a good idea to return there. With this new streaming setup, I have tons of options, though. I'll get my stuff done in good time and then head elsewhere with the day. The weather is already very warm, too. I need to keep that in mind all morning. Too warm in here means doing less. It also points to no frightwork at all. The time is nigh for many things, some of which are not good at all." 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September 21st, 2021 11:44am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Frightwork read ( words) "Wednesday, early. Still dark outside. Not like those days in which I'm up in the middle of the night, but early like when I used to do laundry at five in the morning on Saturdays. Those were the times of the two computers and two monitors. Now I have only this machine just in case I need to be portable or move somewhere. Hmm. The fortification came back to mind. I haven't considered that idea for some weeks. Anyway, today I will not have the house to myself -- nor tomorrow -- but I can still work on some things. The usual, and then perhaps holing up in the garage for a while. Still with the vampires. Coffee. Yesterday I acquired a sizeable cabinet from my neighbor as he replaced it with a toolbox. It will be more storage for the garage and I already have a couple of ideas for a location. I'll have to clean it a little and then do some reinforcing, but overall it's pretty stout for being old. Later this morning I'll have some time to myself and perhaps I can work toward such an end. I also have the routine and a bit of dry cleaning. So far this morning I am trying to rid myself of last night's bad mood. The effort is not going real well right now. There is Lizzy and her somewhat-goofy eyes again. I haven't written a word about her or Ryan in months. Too funny, that pair. Lizzy can't hold a candle to Carrie, though. 'Arlene' is still the queen of airheads. There is something about Lizzy, however, and I am not referring to anything bad. She did tons of nude and sex scenes on this show with Ryan (and I read she was so nervous that she had to have half a snootful in order to survive the filming), so her appearance outside those clothes is well-known. But there is something else and I can't put my finger on it. Whatever. Cute, but different. Throughout the day I will be following this show as I am taking a break from the gangsters. Wherever the time takes me, those people will be along for the ride. Lots of people were goo ga over Anna but I have always felt the complete opposite. I probably went into the subject last year. Can't recall. Maybe Lizzy's dark hair and eyes are the key whereas Anna is half the reverse; blonde/dark. Others always say it best. Be it song lyrics or some moving quote in media, everything has already been said and done, leaving my words to seem minimally impacting. Does it matter? I don't know. Fortification and preparation. The garage will be the main deal with this shit, too. The more organized and accessible the garage becomes, the more I can care for things inside the house. I need the room to think clearly. Last night I calculated that there is only one path for me on this site, and that is to just lay out the most important bullet points related to what I have been writing. They are as follows: No one is ever going to know the full truth or have a clear enough picture of what takes place here to fully grasp the text. I am too closed off, unfair, selfish and unforgiving to bend and allow another person into the fold. Control over the content and meaning here is beginning to be the only control I hold in the world, and as you probably already know, without control I cannot deal with other people. The cocoon I have built for myself is the only place I will ever be remotely comfortable. Eventually my entire existence will be pared down to one room and a few things. I am already considering work toward such a situation. No more therapy will be embraced nor will I entertain ideas from anyone else. This is it. Cut and dry. Not only am I being unfair, but also unwilling to listen to another human being. There you go. Why do I keep dreaming of Asian women? I will sit here for the duration and embrace what I enjoy and do what I have to in order to earn my place in this house and be comfortable. The same shows, food, writing, whatever... Day in and day out for the remainder. Again, fortification and preparation. As soon as I close this off for the morning that is the direction of choice. Not many are going to understand my situation or outlook. Some of what I do may be unsettling or even frightening, especially considering my penchant for standing outside the 'norm' of life and loving it. I never wanted to be a predictable person, yet the more I tried to be unpredictable, the more people expected such behavior and eventually knew how I would react to certain situations. That is hilarious when the point in the first place was to make others guess. Oopsie. Anyway, no more of that type of thinking. I'll just do what I need for myself and others, leaving out any posturing. That can be tiring and ridiculous. Chris Bauer is fucking awesome. The light is up now, meaning I can get out there anytime. I just learned that the goddess has a metal recycling notice for tomorrow morning, so I will have to look around at anything that can go. That is excellent considering how badly I wish to clear shit out of the house and garage. And here comes the sun, too. Yes, I said I am unfair, and that is a fact others just have to deal with right now because I cannot bend for fear of appearing as something I am not. At least I know it, though. There will no longer be any denying that I am a difficult person. I figure if I lay enough out here, people may cease with the questions all the time. I used to say the direction was down, but now it is sideways. God damn does Lafayette have some baggy pants. I think he wins the prize. Heh. Lateral now rather than to the reverse. That is fine. Thursday morning. Vampires along with a maenad. Yikes. So, yesterday was the beginning of the frightening work. Mostly the garage, but a bit in here too. I will try to continue with the same path today. I really need to keep this feeling going, lest I fall into the past again and wallow. The last time I did that was bad for those around me. I must be careful. First on the list yesterday was the hedge again. It's disappearing a little at a time, yet the stumps are going to be a bitch. Not that frightening, you say? The end result will be what matters most. I have to shove all that other shit to the rear and ignore it like a proper dysfunctional person and pick a direction. Yes, just like Jack said way back in the eighties. The crap which resided within Arina has to be dealt with eventually, but not right now. As I said, two are impossible, one is just plain depressing, and the last is the only facet of her which could actually be possible given the correct circumstances. I may never know, though. Not good. In the meantime I will continue to straighten out the physical aspects of this house and bide my time until something materializes. The work is scary because no one is going to understand why I am carrying on with it. The bullet points true themselves with each passing day and I need to figure a way of remaining stable and still able to consider them without flipping the fuck out. 'There comes a time in life when you realize everything you know about yourself is all just conditioning. It's the rare man who truly knows who he is.' -- Eddie Gauthier A turning point is now required more than ever. I've been treading water and stale on the rails far too long. This is unacceptable. The situation continues to illuminate solutions to one facet or another, yet I am sitting here just like the last many hundreds of days since the outset of the 'Jaime' period, otherwise known as a netherworld. Floating within. 'We may have to take steps' is always a good one (thanks, Michael), but unless one of my feet actually moves forward I cannot reasonably expect anything to change. The frightwork may be one of those steps to pull me upward for a time. One physical example is the hedge along our driveway. I stared day after day and then for whatever reason began chopping it to pieces. As I said, that one is merely physical, but it can represent the crossing of a line. I need to go further now, and I am not referring to yard work. I must keep the house quiet this morning. At some point I will shut this down and move to the garage for a while and continue where I left off yesterday. The beer tap handles are all up on the wall above my tool box and looking pretty nice. Last night I illuminated everything and the results are positive. Those handles have been floating around the cabinets out there for years. They are finally up and out of the way. Also, the cabinet I appropriated from the neighbor is in position and I can store things inside. It looks much better than the stack of chairs which previously occupied the end of the bench. I may still customize the look of it but not yet. Bigger fish, like always. The routine can't kick off until I can make noise in here. The high holiday means she sleeps late. Trued and blued. Screwed? Maybe. The more I looked, the more I saw, but did I see everything? Just like years ago when I dreamed of that little Asian woman, nothing was completely clear. Blurry, foggy, something. I saw some of her. I don't understand why that subject continues to create questions. Always with the Asians, yet during daylight hours the same feelings do not occur. Not even close. If that is emotion from the 'Asian glow' back during the early zeros, I have to find a way to shut it off. I do not feel the same any longer. Sometimes I wish they would just leave my head and never come back. The current period is rife with preoccupations, and another is not what I need. I have gone back to those days of the 'seeing' many times recently, the subject of my mental health notwithstanding, and recalling moments that cannot return no matter the effort. Two dreams placed me within reach of something similar to that doll so many years ago, and then awakening only caused despair and confusion. I saw way back when, but now all I see are images which do not even seem real anymore. The tiny girl standing beside me was a pretty stark example of mapping my brain. I know I manufactured that dream out of desire, too. No getting around that one. But I do not want to allow anything to jade my current mindset. Is any of this clear? Doubtful. The Asian thingy from the zeros has faded quite a bit, but still my head goes in such directions while asleep. I'm tired of it, too. And don't start reading into some sort of suppressed need because it isn't fucking there. Shut up. They are only dreams. I'm beginning to think that dreaming of such things is the real frightwork. I have no control over it. Ugh. Anyway... Almost time to put this aside. The entries are very slow these days because I'm trying to avoid retreading shit over and over. That even bores the hell out of me. No more Arina, yet some of what she was built with cannot be denied. The bullet points up there indicate I need to avoid some things while writing because if I can't fucking solve them there is little purpose in belaboring everything. Friday morning arrives without fanfare, yet still this could be a good day considering the last two were not up my fucking alley. We shall see what can be done about this. Jamie is a little blurry due to the capture, but whatevah Shy of eight in the morning and I am left to my devices and comforts for the day. Sitting here earlier and working on an anniversary image for the upcoming twenty-year mark for the site has been both unnerving and relaxing. I have never been terribly educated with PS, meaning I generally have to locate a stock image and then heavily modify the thing for my own purposes. That is perfectly acceptable, although I'd feel better if I knew how to create all of it myself like in the old days. Oh, well... At least it will match the theme. Maybe if I had all the money I've spent maintaining this space for all these years I could have paid for a good course in school. Not funny. Frightening work today? I don't know yet. There are few aspects to the routine because everything remained in good order since yesterday. That means I can head in different directions once my usual stuff is complete. Some cleaning is in order, methinks. Switchy. No more of that Asian crap. The most likely reasons are dark hair and eyes, also often those I've seen out in the world are slender. No big deal. There may still be imagery here, however the focus will remain their faces. Dreams will no longer enter this space. Some years ago I did a bunch of reading on the subject, and the general consensus was the idea of many from Asian cultures being rather demure. Don't crucify me for such a thought because I did not go into the idea. The dreams touched upon it, however. I have no control over them. If Freud was correct in stating dreams are wishes, well... My selfish and controlling nature can speak to such ideas, along with all I wrote regarding machinery (I've already received flap about it). That is all I will say. Switchy again. This show is more twisted than any other. It can put the gangsters to shame. The holiday feeling entered this morning while outside. We are at the outset of fall, too. I used to get this inkling to embrace the last three months of the year right around the same time, too. Years of it. While it is my favorite time of year with pro football and cooler weather, I don't believe this year can compare to what has already passed into history. Yes, that is a negative determination before the season has even kicked off, but understand that my current position in life is bereft of options. The only holiday cheer I can embrace will be inside this house and quite thin when compared to the last two decades. That is sad, indeed. I'll have to do my best to remain standing through the next three holidays and see what may await the beginning of another calendar year. '...driven in toto by his insecurities.' We are going to roll on the same rails for a while because the compulsion is overwhelming. That fucking realization is like a nail sticking out of my head and awaiting a hammer blow to fully seat. I brought up the frightwork due to a combination of fear and anger. While upset, I generally work around the house faster and create imagery which often puts people off. They don't like it. I will have to engage in such behavior today and see where the rails lead. A little bit at a time. The woman on the screen right now is named Olivia. Very interesting, that one. Anyway, I need to focus today. Like, much more than I have during the recent months. Nothing is going to change if I don't force the issue. Everything just sits and stares back at me as if to say, 'come on... do something.' I don't like it one bit, yet I cannot deny being idle and somewhat stagnant for a long time. My own limitations, honestly, and I am hoping the anger helps. Hence, frightwork. Changes which other people will not appreciate. Stop. Well the noon hour has arrived and my shit is complete. I had to run to the hardware for smoke alarms and install them to satisfy the appraisal. That is also complete. I should have replaced them months ago but it kept slipping my mind in light of all this other crap going on (my brain). At least it's finished and I sent off the images. Also, I reconfigured the file cabinet and moved it into the office atop my safe. Another item which would have been better finished a while ago to save my back. File cabinet on the floor equals lots of bending down. Not good. I don't know if I feel like working in the garage. Vampires, shifters and werewolves have been following the entire time. Twisted, but at least I know them pretty well. Remember all those remarks about goofy Arlene and gorgeous Dawn? Daphne, too, but unfortunately she is dead. Oh, Dawn is also dead. Too bad. Now the story is becoming political from a 'psycho' standpoint. I can't remember when the lovely Nora shows up, though. Soon enough, I expect. And the imagery which has the power to cripple me appears all the time. Whatever. Sometimes I fucking hate it and other times I understand the ways of the world. Jesus holy hell in a blood-filled syringe, this show is at the limit. Unreal. That which I see and then feel is a sickness, and a bad one. Obsession. Torture. Loss, always. Every fucking second of every fucking day. Loss after loss after loss. When I see the opposite? Unfair, just like me. Write it down. Too much. The duality and not fully knowing (trust requirement, for sure) combine to cut me to ribbons. I already fucking know, anyway. I know of the not knowing. Might as well write that crap down, too. Out of gas. Ugh... Tired. Six, two and even has disappeared in favor of frightening thought processes. Halloween cannot arrive soon enough. And the more I see and experience the massive, unrelenting talent flowing from Nelsan, the more I want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay. Too fucking late, that one. His loss is almost as great as that of Joseph. Bless them to no end. I might grab the dark chocolates and drag them through natural peanut butter just for the therapeutic value. 12:23pm. This might be the end of my day. One of my cats just visited for some love. 12:44pm and not a word since the above line. Maybe I'm not into this right now. Time to build a Bugatti. Stop. I suppose we can just erase Saturday. I did quite a bit, beginning with a ride to the airport and then returning to do my usual stuff, but honestly the day now appears as a waste aside from the morning. Even my work in the new office went really well but doesn't seem to matter now. I relocated a few things and displayed more stuff above my bench. A little organization, too. Honestly? That space is fine. Most of the time I go out there as if programmed by the past. All those years of working on whatever, often with one of my friends or another. We were always doing something for the cars. Well, I can't do anything like that now without replacing my very modern and advanced vehicle with something older. I've considered it, too, almost entirely for nostalgia. But as for the garage, I may have to avoid tooling around out there for a while and stick to only whatever is necessary for daily living. The house feels neglected sometimes. Not bad, just sort of. I guess, anyway. Yesterday really hit me with the garage and brotherhood subjects. We had some conversation as I stood right smack in the middle of the atmosphere I created throughout years and I began to feel very small. Fortunately I have become a master of hiding everything and snowing the whole fucking world. I am glad I took her to the airport again, though, because it's helpful and I like going there. The work after went very well, too. Still, the day feels a waste. I know not why. Now Sunday has arrived and I am very pleased to be holed up here for the duration. You can bet your ass I will appreciate each moment and avoid awakening tomorrow filled with regret. Speaking of Sunday, I have the usual business along with the football game at ten, and then whatever seems most important afterward. I do like the early games sometimes, although if I indulge too much the afternoon can feel heavy. I'll have to be careful. Garbage, too. And no frightwork whatsoever. I need to reevaluate where I am going with that stuff. After last night's conversation and my seeing how I appear to other people, the situation may take priority over everything else for a while. I must say after decades of trying to appear one way to the general public, I am exhausted but cannot make a change. Not anymore. So, I will care for the house today and remain behind the doors until tomorrow morning. The frightwork and project of working on my insides which have been preoccupations for many months will have to sit idle for now. This is not good and taking the wind out of my sails, and in a different way from all the issues. I knew I was in a small space to begin with (and for many years), however now the subject seems to be pushing me into something even tinier. Cornered, perhaps. I have to keep the facade in place all the time combined with being here as often as possible these days. If anything slips I'll be destroyed instantly. Such is the idea today... Study time while home. I am not going anywhere, possibly until Tuesday when I pick her up at the airport. And the frightening work. What about that stuff now? I have plans, but no ambition anymore. Maybe I should have left that subject out of this crap. Or maybe it doesn't matter either way because much of the time my titles are meaningless anyway. Heh. At least there is no mention of 'Arina' in the title this time. I have big ideas for moving forward with how people see me (hopefully, anyway). Nothing frightening despite the word here, just different. Two gears meshed late last night and engaged some thought processes which would have been better avoided, honestly. Those gears were the catalyst for my shutting down the evening. I suppose that is one advantage to hosting something in my garage. So when combined with my apparent look to others, the evening really took its toll on my brain. The frightwork seems minimal now. Switch. Unprovoked thoughts this morning. Duality, hideous bullshit flying in every direction, feelings which are undeniable yet behind the world's largest fucking smokescreen. I have to come to terms with this crap one way or another, lest it destroy me completely. That is another reason for remaining holed up here because all that shit relates directly to what took place last night in the garage. If I head out into the world for any reason, others may see it in my eyes and I simply cannot have that. I appear weak enough already. I keep saying that I must take steps, yet they continue to elude my vision. I know not which way to turn. The second line of this paragraph is a good portion of it, as well. Trouble from the word 'go'. Deborah is fucking stunning and not even close to what I normally find attractive. Red hair and blue/green eyes. Very different. Maybe her character's demeanor is part of it. Anyway, another step I can take is keeping as quiet as possible to avoid inviting commentary from another gaping maw. I need more words and speculation from people like I need Satan's fucking trident in my ass. Quiet is the word. Internal work, internal privacy, external blankness. I just hope I can do it without losing my way. One lacking trait is my ability to be strong when necessary. Sometimes, but not generally when it is critical. I'll run away instead. This is turning into a big mess. What am I talking about? Wow is she ever gorgeous sometimes. Whatever. I don't need to be reminded of that gaping problem right now. Plenty going on already. Right now I'll have to be careful because the whole of the population is beginning to appear as an enemy. That includes every living, breathing soul. Enemies. I have to cool off and keep the most critical terms the hell out of this content. Back to Sunday. The game is on in just over half an hour. In and around the sports I can get my things done, and she will be in the city as usual meaning I need not worry about any distractions. These past few months I've done a good job of tossing unimportant stuff into the trash even though we have the smallest gray can. I can be quite creative and patient, and those add up to getting large items into the can over time and in very small pieces. Heh. The other two cans are no big deal. Isn't this exciting? Garbage talk? You must be thrilled at the wording. This woman on the screen is lovely, yet with a very subtle adjustment to her facial expression she appears menacing. Not good. Beautiful hair, though. Eh... Actors and makeup/hair experts. You know. Where was I? Garbage day? Who cares? This is like filler as I try to think of whatever else can be said. Arlene is so goofy sometimes. This is the perfect situation at the ideal time. After yesterday, the bullshit I've been spouting recently can be pushed back (somewhat, and only if there are no strikes) in favor of the crap from last night. This day is pretty much whatever I make of it, meaning the game and my usual work are going to feel blissful. I still need to wait a couple of hours for her to leave for the city, though. In the meantime I can chip away at some stuff and kill time while watching the morning game. Just a few minutes and I'll be following along. And Monday morning now. Two pluses today, one being the backed-up bullshit EDD benefits finally cleared their biggest hurdle. Now I have resources enough to restock come of the household items that have been waning and continue a couple of projects which remained stagnant since July. The other plus is Monday. In roughly an hour I will have this house to myself. The routine, an appointment to return the cable equipment, and a trip to the cleaners. I'll also have to fill the car with fuel. More exciting activity, right? I watched the game yesterday, worked on a few things, and then relaxed with one of the big cars on and off as the afternoon rolled by. The entire time here alone was rife with concern, however. I could not fully enjoy anything all day due to machinery at work inside which limits my ability to rise above the din and relax. Now I remember why Brit's shoulders were a point of writing last year. They are unique. Too bad her character can be reprehensible and disgusting. Heh. Anyway, my appointment is just after ten, and then I'll roll back into town for two more errands and then home again. I am hoping to find some solace once the responsibilities are completed. The routine is minimal today. Part of the difficulty these last few days is one issue in particular pushing me down and related to the shit the other night while bullshitting in the garage. I am going to need lots of good things happening in order to keep that problem at bay. Being out and about is not my first choice, however it may just help me find some nice mental space later. Scrape again. Not bad, though. I enjoy watching this show despite the fact that quite often it is completely insane. I have to say that as far as trouble brewing through media, this series contains not only every single aspect, but much of it fuels the subject from the other night as well as the fucking duality and concern over who I am. Watching alone is no big deal, yet the reminders are still there. Feelings can be drawn like a sword and then dredge up a combination of anger and fear, soon leading to ideas of striking back through frightening work indicative of my diminished mood. Wow, that was a mouthful. The fact is my first avenue of choice is to increase the depth of my facade and bring it out to the space within which I live to show others that I am not the individual to be trifled. The problem with such posturing is I may not have the strength to carry forward, and therein lies a massive relationship to the two points at the beginning of this paragraph. Around and around we go, where we stop nobody knows. No matter the depth of feeling revealed to me, I still know full well of what is actually taking place and I can't fucking stand it. I have to be me. The push inside my head to create imagery and moods that will put people off cannot be avoided any longer. I said I have to be me. Well, I also have to protect what is going on inside as a result of too much damage. There may be no possibility of recovery, but there is always the frightwork. The only option I continue to see is to hide myself from everyone and display bullshit. I believe going out today will facilitate my working more around the house in favor of sitting with the model. Generally speaking, energy begats energy. It is not merely a saying. There is also motivation as of yesterday to bring the old speakers inside and rearrange some things so this room looks better. Small steps each day. Time to get away from this for a while. Nothing can be solved. I just keep thinking. I'll return again, but the reasons are no different now than they were in the beginning. Jaime was there, and then another, and then someone else, eventually the cat eyes. Memories of real people and images of those I've gushed over. Tons of words on the screen -- many repeated on more occasions than I care to count -- and then tons more. Little to no reason. I am better in some ways and worse in others. There are very few clear thoughts here, though. I must keep everything so tightened that others cannot understand. Whatever. Tuesday morning, early. Vampires, werewolves, shifters and faeries all over the place. Heh. Coffee. 'People don't change. They just find new ways to lie.' Yesterday's efforts failed for the most part. I experienced a ton of difficulty regarding the show, memories of the 'Jolaimora' period last year, and became struck upside the head again. By dinner my head was awash with concern over the future. The strike was equal helpings desire and realization. I don't need that kind of shit right now. There is enough going on inside on a daily basis for me to handle without having some fucking amazing beauty thrown in my face, and one which has been there before. A few words, some idle joking and a smile later, and my brain went through the permutations beyond Internet speed as I walked out the door. Returning home helped because I was able to care for my chores and keep busy for hours. Shortly thereafter, the lovely Nora graced the screen again after not being there in all her HD glory since last year. She is up there with Eric at this moment, all dark and light at the same time. The 'ora' in Jolaimora was herself. And then the other face which I had forgotten -- another Jamie -- slapped me and left an imprint of everything I've become. Last night I barely computed dinner before relaxing. Too much in the same day. The market proved to me that nothing will change in the future. I've steered clear of people for quite some time now, and having believed that remaining within my little cocoon could protect me in some ways meant that I dove in with both feet. Now I see that the tiniest little scrape and I'm back at square one. No passing go and no collecting the two hundred. No six, two and even, either. All it takes is a vision -- generally unexpected and along the lines of what took place at the race (yes, that again) -- for no more than a moment and I regress and degrade into my own kind of machine after having been lifted God-knows how far thanks to a tremendous effort. I am exactly the same. The beginning of this section just after the lovely image pretty much says it all. I am beyond help. All that compensation which began with worry and ended with desire was a bunch of bullshit. Maybe I was lying to myself and believing I would be ok and just take everything in stride. Well, nope. As if the race wasn't enough to prove my weakness and desperation, the little beauty there behind the counter cemented everything for all time. Bullshit now. Bullshit all over the place. That crap from the last couple of days which had been connected with conversation in my garage the other night came up yesterday as well. Yep, that shit. There are lines in this world that are better left alone, or at least understood as unable to move from the get-go. I have not been able to do that because my brain cannot handle the tiniest reference before falling on my face. There can be no passing the problems along or understanding what is most important due to existing situations in my head. Those grew out of the past and still command my well-being to this very second. I think the real frightwork is within. I honestly do. I suppose today will be no different than yesterday aside from going to the market. My trip over the hill went very well and quite fast. The downward spiral did not take place until long after returning home. I won't be going over to that store today. I don't need any more shit upside the head. I'll remain here until leaving for the airport this afternoon and take care of my usual business. There are gears at work in me which I need to organize and perhaps deal with, meaning the physical work will probably be minimal. I did much yesterday. I need to work harder at finding distractions, but unfortunately that also means I am pushing away the problems instead of facing them. Whatever else can be done seems insurmountable right now. Add a scrape to the pile this morning. The fact of the frightwork came about due to feeling dissatisfaction with the manner in which my brain has processed certain aspects of life and then the anger resulting from an inability to find a peaceful solution to the same. Nora is so unique. Damn. Anyway, the previous thought is going to continue rolling the rails into the future with nary a care for my well-being, meaning I will only end up becoming more and more angered by the simplistic platitudes and offsetting fucking shit I have to perform just to deal with other people. I'm sick of it, to be honest. Hence the additional anger. There are devices working against me. Hurtful, unfeeling devices wielded by people. They have been here since the dawn of time and will continue until the end of the world. All the frightwork I am to perform cannot make a dent (scrape?) in one of them, but I will probably try anyway. I have little else to look forward. Today is about to begin. A few minutes and I will do the morning business before returning to this machine and the next entry. More of the same words and different imagery, but the same of everything else. You already know nothing will change, right? Good. This afternoon I will be venturing to the airport again for the pickup and subsequent drop off. I'm looking forward to being in the terminal again and seeing her. Hopefully that drive and operation do not end up the only worthwhile parts of this day. Pause. Eh... This entry shall continue until such time as I feel it is enough. Plus I had to include Nora's beauty which means at least one more section. Hard to believe I forgot about her for such a long time. That right there just goes to redefine the depths of my weakness and instability. God fucking damn it all, that woman is beautiful. Ugh. No wonder she became part of the combination And there she was again. Purple dress and stunning from any angle. My insides are completely broken. 'Oh God!' 'God is a vampire.' Instant broken neck. That is fucking awesome. This show can be a touch violent. Heh. The girl at the market is not like the race girl. Completely different feeling there. The race girl started as a form and then went into a completely unexpected and wondrous direction. She also provided insight into just how weak and desperate I have become. The one at the market was form only, although her eyes appeared kind. I've seen her on a number of occasions, too. Usually she falls away within minutes of my returning to business. This time is different because she immediately became equated to the car dealer so long ago, and such a fact is just plain fucking bad. Experiencing desire while watching a program on the television is completely safe for more reasons than are necessary. Up the street is another story. My brain goes further than it should. Yesterday it did just that. Damn it all, Nora is wearing jeans and heels. Fuck me in a thong. Anyway, I do not see anything changing in the future. The reality is I run into problems more often than I can handle these days, and knowing such shit was taking place more than two decades ago, flared God-knows how many times since, and again just yesterday means I am getting worse. Up the page a ways I mentioned some crap related to the duality and other people's words versus the sum of everything in my head, and now even that level of difficulty is being squashed at times. Derailed. My thinking immediately drives the train toward escape, damage, and all manner of reckless behavior at whatever cost and pointed to a place I am better off avoiding completely. Something has to change, yet I don't see a method. One of these days I will roll to that market and find myself completely unable to cope. One of the two biggest issues with me is on the screen right now. Never me. Just... You know. I am me. I cannot be anything else. Thanks to the past and some unchangeable shit situations, all I can do is watch and lament what is typing these words. The current period is worse than I have tried to describe. Frightwork? Where did that shit go? All fucked up this morning. I have things to do today. Mostly the kitchen because we thrashed it last night. I don't mind. The show will follow me through the house as I work and keep me company. And if the imagery becomes too much I can switch to something else. I thought about GoT recently, however that became a huge point of contention a few years ago and I really don't think it's a good idea to return there. With this new streaming setup, I have tons of options, though. I'll get my stuff done in good time and then head elsewhere with the day. The weather is already very warm, too. I need to keep that in mind all morning. Too warm in here means doing less. It also points to no frightwork at all. The time is nigh for many things, some of which are not good at all."
September 21st, 2021 11:44am pdt
If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.
Frightwork
read ( words)
"Wednesday, early. Still dark outside. Not like those days in which I'm up in the middle of the night, but early like when I used to do laundry at five in the morning on Saturdays. Those were the times of the two computers and two monitors. Now I have only this machine just in case I need to be portable or move somewhere. Hmm. The fortification came back to mind. I haven't considered that idea for some weeks. Anyway, today I will not have the house to myself -- nor tomorrow -- but I can still work on some things. The usual, and then perhaps holing up in the garage for a while. Still with the vampires. Coffee. Yesterday I acquired a sizeable cabinet from my neighbor as he replaced it with a toolbox. It will be more storage for the garage and I already have a couple of ideas for a location. I'll have to clean it a little and then do some reinforcing, but overall it's pretty stout for being old. Later this morning I'll have some time to myself and perhaps I can work toward such an end. I also have the routine and a bit of dry cleaning. So far this morning I am trying to rid myself of last night's bad mood. The effort is not going real well right now. There is Lizzy and her somewhat-goofy eyes again. I haven't written a word about her or Ryan in months. Too funny, that pair. Lizzy can't hold a candle to Carrie, though. 'Arlene' is still the queen of airheads. There is something about Lizzy, however, and I am not referring to anything bad. She did tons of nude and sex scenes on this show with Ryan (and I read she was so nervous that she had to have half a snootful in order to survive the filming), so her appearance outside those clothes is well-known. But there is something else and I can't put my finger on it. Whatever. Cute, but different. Throughout the day I will be following this show as I am taking a break from the gangsters. Wherever the time takes me, those people will be along for the ride. Lots of people were goo ga over Anna but I have always felt the complete opposite. I probably went into the subject last year. Can't recall. Maybe Lizzy's dark hair and eyes are the key whereas Anna is half the reverse; blonde/dark. Others always say it best. Be it song lyrics or some moving quote in media, everything has already been said and done, leaving my words to seem minimally impacting. Does it matter? I don't know. Fortification and preparation. The garage will be the main deal with this shit, too. The more organized and accessible the garage becomes, the more I can care for things inside the house. I need the room to think clearly. Last night I calculated that there is only one path for me on this site, and that is to just lay out the most important bullet points related to what I have been writing. They are as follows: No one is ever going to know the full truth or have a clear enough picture of what takes place here to fully grasp the text. I am too closed off, unfair, selfish and unforgiving to bend and allow another person into the fold. Control over the content and meaning here is beginning to be the only control I hold in the world, and as you probably already know, without control I cannot deal with other people. The cocoon I have built for myself is the only place I will ever be remotely comfortable. Eventually my entire existence will be pared down to one room and a few things. I am already considering work toward such a situation. No more therapy will be embraced nor will I entertain ideas from anyone else. This is it. Cut and dry. Not only am I being unfair, but also unwilling to listen to another human being. There you go.
Why do I keep dreaming of Asian women?
I will sit here for the duration and embrace what I enjoy and do what I have to in order to earn my place in this house and be comfortable. The same shows, food, writing, whatever... Day in and day out for the remainder. Again, fortification and preparation. As soon as I close this off for the morning that is the direction of choice. Not many are going to understand my situation or outlook. Some of what I do may be unsettling or even frightening, especially considering my penchant for standing outside the 'norm' of life and loving it. I never wanted to be a predictable person, yet the more I tried to be unpredictable, the more people expected such behavior and eventually knew how I would react to certain situations. That is hilarious when the point in the first place was to make others guess. Oopsie. Anyway, no more of that type of thinking. I'll just do what I need for myself and others, leaving out any posturing. That can be tiring and ridiculous. Chris Bauer is fucking awesome. The light is up now, meaning I can get out there anytime. I just learned that the goddess has a metal recycling notice for tomorrow morning, so I will have to look around at anything that can go. That is excellent considering how badly I wish to clear shit out of the house and garage. And here comes the sun, too. Yes, I said I am unfair, and that is a fact others just have to deal with right now because I cannot bend for fear of appearing as something I am not. At least I know it, though. There will no longer be any denying that I am a difficult person. I figure if I lay enough out here, people may cease with the questions all the time. I used to say the direction was down, but now it is sideways. God damn does Lafayette have some baggy pants. I think he wins the prize. Heh. Lateral now rather than to the reverse. That is fine. Thursday morning. Vampires along with a maenad. Yikes. So, yesterday was the beginning of the frightening work. Mostly the garage, but a bit in here too. I will try to continue with the same path today. I really need to keep this feeling going, lest I fall into the past again and wallow. The last time I did that was bad for those around me. I must be careful. First on the list yesterday was the hedge again. It's disappearing a little at a time, yet the stumps are going to be a bitch. Not that frightening, you say? The end result will be what matters most. I have to shove all that other shit to the rear and ignore it like a proper dysfunctional person and pick a direction. Yes, just like Jack said way back in the eighties. The crap which resided within Arina has to be dealt with eventually, but not right now. As I said, two are impossible, one is just plain depressing, and the last is the only facet of her which could actually be possible given the correct circumstances. I may never know, though. Not good. In the meantime I will continue to straighten out the physical aspects of this house and bide my time until something materializes. The work is scary because no one is going to understand why I am carrying on with it. The bullet points true themselves with each passing day and I need to figure a way of remaining stable and still able to consider them without flipping the fuck out.
'There comes a time in life when you realize everything you know about yourself is all just conditioning. It's the rare man who truly knows who he is.' -- Eddie Gauthier
A turning point is now required more than ever. I've been treading water and stale on the rails far too long. This is unacceptable. The situation continues to illuminate solutions to one facet or another, yet I am sitting here just like the last many hundreds of days since the outset of the 'Jaime' period, otherwise known as a netherworld. Floating within. 'We may have to take steps' is always a good one (thanks, Michael), but unless one of my feet actually moves forward I cannot reasonably expect anything to change. The frightwork may be one of those steps to pull me upward for a time. One physical example is the hedge along our driveway. I stared day after day and then for whatever reason began chopping it to pieces. As I said, that one is merely physical, but it can represent the crossing of a line. I need to go further now, and I am not referring to yard work. I must keep the house quiet this morning. At some point I will shut this down and move to the garage for a while and continue where I left off yesterday. The beer tap handles are all up on the wall above my tool box and looking pretty nice. Last night I illuminated everything and the results are positive. Those handles have been floating around the cabinets out there for years. They are finally up and out of the way. Also, the cabinet I appropriated from the neighbor is in position and I can store things inside. It looks much better than the stack of chairs which previously occupied the end of the bench. I may still customize the look of it but not yet. Bigger fish, like always. The routine can't kick off until I can make noise in here. The high holiday means she sleeps late. Trued and blued. Screwed? Maybe. The more I looked, the more I saw, but did I see everything? Just like years ago when I dreamed of that little Asian woman, nothing was completely clear. Blurry, foggy, something. I saw some of her. I don't understand why that subject continues to create questions. Always with the Asians, yet during daylight hours the same feelings do not occur. Not even close. If that is emotion from the 'Asian glow' back during the early zeros, I have to find a way to shut it off. I do not feel the same any longer. Sometimes I wish they would just leave my head and never come back. The current period is rife with preoccupations, and another is not what I need. I have gone back to those days of the 'seeing' many times recently, the subject of my mental health notwithstanding, and recalling moments that cannot return no matter the effort. Two dreams placed me within reach of something similar to that doll so many years ago, and then awakening only caused despair and confusion. I saw way back when, but now all I see are images which do not even seem real anymore. The tiny girl standing beside me was a pretty stark example of mapping my brain. I know I manufactured that dream out of desire, too. No getting around that one. But I do not want to allow anything to jade my current mindset. Is any of this clear? Doubtful. The Asian thingy from the zeros has faded quite a bit, but still my head goes in such directions while asleep. I'm tired of it, too. And don't start reading into some sort of suppressed need because it isn't fucking there. Shut up. They are only dreams. I'm beginning to think that dreaming of such things is the real frightwork. I have no control over it. Ugh. Anyway... Almost time to put this aside. The entries are very slow these days because I'm trying to avoid retreading shit over and over. That even bores the hell out of me. No more Arina, yet some of what she was built with cannot be denied. The bullet points up there indicate I need to avoid some things while writing because if I can't fucking solve them there is little purpose in belaboring everything. Friday morning arrives without fanfare, yet still this could be a good day considering the last two were not up my fucking alley. We shall see what can be done about this.
Jamie is a little blurry due to the capture, but whatevah
Shy of eight in the morning and I am left to my devices and comforts for the day. Sitting here earlier and working on an anniversary image for the upcoming twenty-year mark for the site has been both unnerving and relaxing. I have never been terribly educated with PS, meaning I generally have to locate a stock image and then heavily modify the thing for my own purposes. That is perfectly acceptable, although I'd feel better if I knew how to create all of it myself like in the old days. Oh, well... At least it will match the theme. Maybe if I had all the money I've spent maintaining this space for all these years I could have paid for a good course in school. Not funny. Frightening work today? I don't know yet. There are few aspects to the routine because everything remained in good order since yesterday. That means I can head in different directions once my usual stuff is complete. Some cleaning is in order, methinks. Switchy. No more of that Asian crap. The most likely reasons are dark hair and eyes, also often those I've seen out in the world are slender. No big deal. There may still be imagery here, however the focus will remain their faces. Dreams will no longer enter this space. Some years ago I did a bunch of reading on the subject, and the general consensus was the idea of many from Asian cultures being rather demure. Don't crucify me for such a thought because I did not go into the idea. The dreams touched upon it, however. I have no control over them. If Freud was correct in stating dreams are wishes, well... My selfish and controlling nature can speak to such ideas, along with all I wrote regarding machinery (I've already received flap about it). That is all I will say. Switchy again. This show is more twisted than any other. It can put the gangsters to shame. The holiday feeling entered this morning while outside. We are at the outset of fall, too. I used to get this inkling to embrace the last three months of the year right around the same time, too. Years of it. While it is my favorite time of year with pro football and cooler weather, I don't believe this year can compare to what has already passed into history. Yes, that is a negative determination before the season has even kicked off, but understand that my current position in life is bereft of options. The only holiday cheer I can embrace will be inside this house and quite thin when compared to the last two decades. That is sad, indeed. I'll have to do my best to remain standing through the next three holidays and see what may await the beginning of another calendar year. '...driven in toto by his insecurities.' We are going to roll on the same rails for a while because the compulsion is overwhelming. That fucking realization is like a nail sticking out of my head and awaiting a hammer blow to fully seat. I brought up the frightwork due to a combination of fear and anger. While upset, I generally work around the house faster and create imagery which often puts people off. They don't like it. I will have to engage in such behavior today and see where the rails lead. A little bit at a time. The woman on the screen right now is named Olivia. Very interesting, that one. Anyway, I need to focus today. Like, much more than I have during the recent months. Nothing is going to change if I don't force the issue. Everything just sits and stares back at me as if to say, 'come on... do something.' I don't like it one bit, yet I cannot deny being idle and somewhat stagnant for a long time. My own limitations, honestly, and I am hoping the anger helps. Hence, frightwork. Changes which other people will not appreciate. Stop. Well the noon hour has arrived and my shit is complete. I had to run to the hardware for smoke alarms and install them to satisfy the appraisal. That is also complete. I should have replaced them months ago but it kept slipping my mind in light of all this other crap going on (my brain). At least it's finished and I sent off the images. Also, I reconfigured the file cabinet and moved it into the office atop my safe. Another item which would have been better finished a while ago to save my back. File cabinet on the floor equals lots of bending down. Not good. I don't know if I feel like working in the garage. Vampires, shifters and werewolves have been following the entire time. Twisted, but at least I know them pretty well. Remember all those remarks about goofy Arlene and gorgeous Dawn? Daphne, too, but unfortunately she is dead. Oh, Dawn is also dead. Too bad. Now the story is becoming political from a 'psycho' standpoint. I can't remember when the lovely Nora shows up, though. Soon enough, I expect. And the imagery which has the power to cripple me appears all the time. Whatever. Sometimes I fucking hate it and other times I understand the ways of the world. Jesus holy hell in a blood-filled syringe, this show is at the limit. Unreal. That which I see and then feel is a sickness, and a bad one. Obsession. Torture. Loss, always. Every fucking second of every fucking day. Loss after loss after loss. When I see the opposite? Unfair, just like me. Write it down. Too much. The duality and not fully knowing (trust requirement, for sure) combine to cut me to ribbons. I already fucking know, anyway. I know of the not knowing. Might as well write that crap down, too. Out of gas. Ugh... Tired. Six, two and even has disappeared in favor of frightening thought processes. Halloween cannot arrive soon enough. And the more I see and experience the massive, unrelenting talent flowing from Nelsan, the more I want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay. Too fucking late, that one. His loss is almost as great as that of Joseph. Bless them to no end. I might grab the dark chocolates and drag them through natural peanut butter just for the therapeutic value. 12:23pm. This might be the end of my day. One of my cats just visited for some love. 12:44pm and not a word since the above line. Maybe I'm not into this right now. Time to build a Bugatti. Stop. I suppose we can just erase Saturday. I did quite a bit, beginning with a ride to the airport and then returning to do my usual stuff, but honestly the day now appears as a waste aside from the morning. Even my work in the new office went really well but doesn't seem to matter now. I relocated a few things and displayed more stuff above my bench. A little organization, too. Honestly? That space is fine. Most of the time I go out there as if programmed by the past. All those years of working on whatever, often with one of my friends or another. We were always doing something for the cars. Well, I can't do anything like that now without replacing my very modern and advanced vehicle with something older. I've considered it, too, almost entirely for nostalgia. But as for the garage, I may have to avoid tooling around out there for a while and stick to only whatever is necessary for daily living. The house feels neglected sometimes. Not bad, just sort of. I guess, anyway. Yesterday really hit me with the garage and brotherhood subjects. We had some conversation as I stood right smack in the middle of the atmosphere I created throughout years and I began to feel very small. Fortunately I have become a master of hiding everything and snowing the whole fucking world. I am glad I took her to the airport again, though, because it's helpful and I like going there. The work after went very well, too. Still, the day feels a waste. I know not why. Now Sunday has arrived and I am very pleased to be holed up here for the duration. You can bet your ass I will appreciate each moment and avoid awakening tomorrow filled with regret.
Speaking of Sunday, I have the usual business along with the football game at ten, and then whatever seems most important afterward. I do like the early games sometimes, although if I indulge too much the afternoon can feel heavy. I'll have to be careful. Garbage, too. And no frightwork whatsoever. I need to reevaluate where I am going with that stuff. After last night's conversation and my seeing how I appear to other people, the situation may take priority over everything else for a while. I must say after decades of trying to appear one way to the general public, I am exhausted but cannot make a change. Not anymore. So, I will care for the house today and remain behind the doors until tomorrow morning. The frightwork and project of working on my insides which have been preoccupations for many months will have to sit idle for now. This is not good and taking the wind out of my sails, and in a different way from all the issues. I knew I was in a small space to begin with (and for many years), however now the subject seems to be pushing me into something even tinier. Cornered, perhaps. I have to keep the facade in place all the time combined with being here as often as possible these days. If anything slips I'll be destroyed instantly. Such is the idea today... Study time while home. I am not going anywhere, possibly until Tuesday when I pick her up at the airport. And the frightening work. What about that stuff now? I have plans, but no ambition anymore. Maybe I should have left that subject out of this crap. Or maybe it doesn't matter either way because much of the time my titles are meaningless anyway. Heh. At least there is no mention of 'Arina' in the title this time. I have big ideas for moving forward with how people see me (hopefully, anyway). Nothing frightening despite the word here, just different. Two gears meshed late last night and engaged some thought processes which would have been better avoided, honestly. Those gears were the catalyst for my shutting down the evening. I suppose that is one advantage to hosting something in my garage. So when combined with my apparent look to others, the evening really took its toll on my brain. The frightwork seems minimal now. Switch. Unprovoked thoughts this morning. Duality, hideous bullshit flying in every direction, feelings which are undeniable yet behind the world's largest fucking smokescreen. I have to come to terms with this crap one way or another, lest it destroy me completely. That is another reason for remaining holed up here because all that shit relates directly to what took place last night in the garage. If I head out into the world for any reason, others may see it in my eyes and I simply cannot have that. I appear weak enough already. I keep saying that I must take steps, yet they continue to elude my vision. I know not which way to turn. The second line of this paragraph is a good portion of it, as well. Trouble from the word 'go'. Deborah is fucking stunning and not even close to what I normally find attractive. Red hair and blue/green eyes. Very different. Maybe her character's demeanor is part of it. Anyway, another step I can take is keeping as quiet as possible to avoid inviting commentary from another gaping maw. I need more words and speculation from people like I need Satan's fucking trident in my ass. Quiet is the word. Internal work, internal privacy, external blankness. I just hope I can do it without losing my way. One lacking trait is my ability to be strong when necessary. Sometimes, but not generally when it is critical. I'll run away instead. This is turning into a big mess. What am I talking about? Wow is she ever gorgeous sometimes. Whatever. I don't need to be reminded of that gaping problem right now. Plenty going on already. Right now I'll have to be careful because the whole of the population is beginning to appear as an enemy. That includes every living, breathing soul. Enemies. I have to cool off and keep the most critical terms the hell out of this content. Back to Sunday. The game is on in just over half an hour. In and around the sports I can get my things done, and she will be in the city as usual meaning I need not worry about any distractions. These past few months I've done a good job of tossing unimportant stuff into the trash even though we have the smallest gray can. I can be quite creative and patient, and those add up to getting large items into the can over time and in very small pieces. Heh. The other two cans are no big deal. Isn't this exciting? Garbage talk? You must be thrilled at the wording. This woman on the screen is lovely, yet with a very subtle adjustment to her facial expression she appears menacing. Not good. Beautiful hair, though. Eh... Actors and makeup/hair experts. You know. Where was I? Garbage day? Who cares? This is like filler as I try to think of whatever else can be said. Arlene is so goofy sometimes. This is the perfect situation at the ideal time. After yesterday, the bullshit I've been spouting recently can be pushed back (somewhat, and only if there are no strikes) in favor of the crap from last night. This day is pretty much whatever I make of it, meaning the game and my usual work are going to feel blissful. I still need to wait a couple of hours for her to leave for the city, though. In the meantime I can chip away at some stuff and kill time while watching the morning game. Just a few minutes and I'll be following along. And Monday morning now. Two pluses today, one being the backed-up bullshit EDD benefits finally cleared their biggest hurdle. Now I have resources enough to restock come of the household items that have been waning and continue a couple of projects which remained stagnant since July. The other plus is Monday. In roughly an hour I will have this house to myself. The routine, an appointment to return the cable equipment, and a trip to the cleaners. I'll also have to fill the car with fuel. More exciting activity, right? I watched the game yesterday, worked on a few things, and then relaxed with one of the big cars on and off as the afternoon rolled by. The entire time here alone was rife with concern, however. I could not fully enjoy anything all day due to machinery at work inside which limits my ability to rise above the din and relax. Now I remember why Brit's shoulders were a point of writing last year. They are unique. Too bad her character can be reprehensible and disgusting. Heh. Anyway, my appointment is just after ten, and then I'll roll back into town for two more errands and then home again. I am hoping to find some solace once the responsibilities are completed. The routine is minimal today. Part of the difficulty these last few days is one issue in particular pushing me down and related to the shit the other night while bullshitting in the garage. I am going to need lots of good things happening in order to keep that problem at bay. Being out and about is not my first choice, however it may just help me find some nice mental space later. Scrape again. Not bad, though. I enjoy watching this show despite the fact that quite often it is completely insane. I have to say that as far as trouble brewing through media, this series contains not only every single aspect, but much of it fuels the subject from the other night as well as the fucking duality and concern over who I am. Watching alone is no big deal, yet the reminders are still there. Feelings can be drawn like a sword and then dredge up a combination of anger and fear, soon leading to ideas of striking back through frightening work indicative of my diminished mood. Wow, that was a mouthful. The fact is my first avenue of choice is to increase the depth of my facade and bring it out to the space within which I live to show others that I am not the individual to be trifled. The problem with such posturing is I may not have the strength to carry forward, and therein lies a massive relationship to the two points at the beginning of this paragraph. Around and around we go, where we stop nobody knows. No matter the depth of feeling revealed to me, I still know full well of what is actually taking place and I can't fucking stand it. I have to be me. The push inside my head to create imagery and moods that will put people off cannot be avoided any longer. I said I have to be me. Well, I also have to protect what is going on inside as a result of too much damage. There may be no possibility of recovery, but there is always the frightwork.
The only option I continue to see is to hide myself from everyone and display bullshit. I believe going out today will facilitate my working more around the house in favor of sitting with the model. Generally speaking, energy begats energy. It is not merely a saying. There is also motivation as of yesterday to bring the old speakers inside and rearrange some things so this room looks better. Small steps each day. Time to get away from this for a while. Nothing can be solved. I just keep thinking. I'll return again, but the reasons are no different now than they were in the beginning. Jaime was there, and then another, and then someone else, eventually the cat eyes. Memories of real people and images of those I've gushed over. Tons of words on the screen -- many repeated on more occasions than I care to count -- and then tons more. Little to no reason. I am better in some ways and worse in others. There are very few clear thoughts here, though. I must keep everything so tightened that others cannot understand. Whatever. Tuesday morning, early. Vampires, werewolves, shifters and faeries all over the place. Heh. Coffee. 'People don't change. They just find new ways to lie.' Yesterday's efforts failed for the most part. I experienced a ton of difficulty regarding the show, memories of the 'Jolaimora' period last year, and became struck upside the head again. By dinner my head was awash with concern over the future. The strike was equal helpings desire and realization. I don't need that kind of shit right now. There is enough going on inside on a daily basis for me to handle without having some fucking amazing beauty thrown in my face, and one which has been there before. A few words, some idle joking and a smile later, and my brain went through the permutations beyond Internet speed as I walked out the door. Returning home helped because I was able to care for my chores and keep busy for hours. Shortly thereafter, the lovely Nora graced the screen again after not being there in all her HD glory since last year. She is up there with Eric at this moment, all dark and light at the same time. The 'ora' in Jolaimora was herself. And then the other face which I had forgotten -- another Jamie -- slapped me and left an imprint of everything I've become. Last night I barely computed dinner before relaxing. Too much in the same day. The market proved to me that nothing will change in the future. I've steered clear of people for quite some time now, and having believed that remaining within my little cocoon could protect me in some ways meant that I dove in with both feet. Now I see that the tiniest little scrape and I'm back at square one. No passing go and no collecting the two hundred. No six, two and even, either. All it takes is a vision -- generally unexpected and along the lines of what took place at the race (yes, that again) -- for no more than a moment and I regress and degrade into my own kind of machine after having been lifted God-knows how far thanks to a tremendous effort. I am exactly the same. The beginning of this section just after the lovely image pretty much says it all. I am beyond help. All that compensation which began with worry and ended with desire was a bunch of bullshit. Maybe I was lying to myself and believing I would be ok and just take everything in stride. Well, nope. As if the race wasn't enough to prove my weakness and desperation, the little beauty there behind the counter cemented everything for all time. Bullshit now. Bullshit all over the place. That crap from the last couple of days which had been connected with conversation in my garage the other night came up yesterday as well. Yep, that shit. There are lines in this world that are better left alone, or at least understood as unable to move from the get-go. I have not been able to do that because my brain cannot handle the tiniest reference before falling on my face. There can be no passing the problems along or understanding what is most important due to existing situations in my head. Those grew out of the past and still command my well-being to this very second. I think the real frightwork is within. I honestly do. I suppose today will be no different than yesterday aside from going to the market. My trip over the hill went very well and quite fast. The downward spiral did not take place until long after returning home. I won't be going over to that store today. I don't need any more shit upside the head. I'll remain here until leaving for the airport this afternoon and take care of my usual business. There are gears at work in me which I need to organize and perhaps deal with, meaning the physical work will probably be minimal. I did much yesterday. I need to work harder at finding distractions, but unfortunately that also means I am pushing away the problems instead of facing them. Whatever else can be done seems insurmountable right now. Add a scrape to the pile this morning. The fact of the frightwork came about due to feeling dissatisfaction with the manner in which my brain has processed certain aspects of life and then the anger resulting from an inability to find a peaceful solution to the same. Nora is so unique. Damn. Anyway, the previous thought is going to continue rolling the rails into the future with nary a care for my well-being, meaning I will only end up becoming more and more angered by the simplistic platitudes and offsetting fucking shit I have to perform just to deal with other people. I'm sick of it, to be honest. Hence the additional anger. There are devices working against me. Hurtful, unfeeling devices wielded by people. They have been here since the dawn of time and will continue until the end of the world. All the frightwork I am to perform cannot make a dent (scrape?) in one of them, but I will probably try anyway. I have little else to look forward. Today is about to begin. A few minutes and I will do the morning business before returning to this machine and the next entry. More of the same words and different imagery, but the same of everything else. You already know nothing will change, right? Good. This afternoon I will be venturing to the airport again for the pickup and subsequent drop off. I'm looking forward to being in the terminal again and seeing her. Hopefully that drive and operation do not end up the only worthwhile parts of this day. Pause. Eh... This entry shall continue until such time as I feel it is enough. Plus I had to include Nora's beauty which means at least one more section. Hard to believe I forgot about her for such a long time. That right there just goes to redefine the depths of my weakness and instability. God fucking damn it all, that woman is beautiful. Ugh.
No wonder she became part of the combination
And there she was again. Purple dress and stunning from any angle. My insides are completely broken. 'Oh God!' 'God is a vampire.' Instant broken neck. That is fucking awesome. This show can be a touch violent. Heh. The girl at the market is not like the race girl. Completely different feeling there. The race girl started as a form and then went into a completely unexpected and wondrous direction. She also provided insight into just how weak and desperate I have become. The one at the market was form only, although her eyes appeared kind. I've seen her on a number of occasions, too. Usually she falls away within minutes of my returning to business. This time is different because she immediately became equated to the car dealer so long ago, and such a fact is just plain fucking bad. Experiencing desire while watching a program on the television is completely safe for more reasons than are necessary. Up the street is another story. My brain goes further than it should. Yesterday it did just that. Damn it all, Nora is wearing jeans and heels. Fuck me in a thong. Anyway, I do not see anything changing in the future. The reality is I run into problems more often than I can handle these days, and knowing such shit was taking place more than two decades ago, flared God-knows how many times since, and again just yesterday means I am getting worse. Up the page a ways I mentioned some crap related to the duality and other people's words versus the sum of everything in my head, and now even that level of difficulty is being squashed at times. Derailed. My thinking immediately drives the train toward escape, damage, and all manner of reckless behavior at whatever cost and pointed to a place I am better off avoiding completely. Something has to change, yet I don't see a method. One of these days I will roll to that market and find myself completely unable to cope. One of the two biggest issues with me is on the screen right now. Never me. Just... You know. I am me. I cannot be anything else. Thanks to the past and some unchangeable shit situations, all I can do is watch and lament what is typing these words. The current period is worse than I have tried to describe. Frightwork? Where did that shit go? All fucked up this morning. I have things to do today. Mostly the kitchen because we thrashed it last night. I don't mind. The show will follow me through the house as I work and keep me company. And if the imagery becomes too much I can switch to something else. I thought about GoT recently, however that became a huge point of contention a few years ago and I really don't think it's a good idea to return there. With this new streaming setup, I have tons of options, though. I'll get my stuff done in good time and then head elsewhere with the day. The weather is already very warm, too. I need to keep that in mind all morning. Too warm in here means doing less. It also points to no frightwork at all. The time is nigh for many things, some of which are not good at all."
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