October 3rd, 2021 9:30am pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.


 read ( words)

"There is Nicole right out of the gate this morning. First appearance, I believe. Second season, and looking quite thoughtful, which may be the reason I tend to like her on the show. Understanding. Quiet. Sweet eyes. Hmm... Dark eyes, too. Big surprise, those eyes. Seemingly wise, but maybe lies. All sighs in my disguise. October is rust-colored. Nicole is pale. I am blue. Leaves are brown. Demeanor? Black.

Losing it, a little at a time. Last night I burned my little finger on a pan and dropped a potsticker on the floor. After? I threw the spatula (somewhat) to the back of the stove and moved on. Now I feel stupid. I guess these accidents happen sometimes but my reaction left a bit to be desired. Pause. And for the first time in nearly a week, the day is all mine and I am alone. Last night's little tiff between me and the stove has faded further. Not so bad now. Gangsters, coffee, cats asleep. The cool, crisp air outside instantly injected thoughts of fall this morning. The season is fall, too. Those past holidays... Again. Damn it all, anyway. None of it exists. Last year I had the room completely decorated by the first of December and it looked really nice combined with those Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel. I don't know how I am going to feel this year. So far, only Halloween seems enticing.

Maja all down the page. I pretty much exhausted my supply of decent-sized images of Cindy and began to notice her upper thighs and rear end are not like they used to be. Her face has always been key anyway. So, here we have four nice, big images of Maja and her unparalleled Polish appearance. Fuck.

This is the date when I used to get the feeling of driving 'up the mountain' into the cool, dry air. Years of it. Sometimes we went, other times we could not make the time. Right now I feel like driving the fuck out of here for a while but am currently in the worst position imaginable. I couldn't get across the street if it took a quarter to go around the world. So, here I am for the duration, no prospects, no ideas aside from improvement of the house, and with more free time than I thought I would ever have at this point in life. The incoming holiday season is causing me to fall, as well. The past again. You know. Outside, the sun is starting its threatening angle and the leaves are piling on the ground. My house in the valley had huge fruitless Mulberry trees in the back with massive leaves, meaning I had to get out there and rake several times throughout the fall and Winter. That always brought me back to the early eighties and just before Christmas. I raked the back yard at my dad's request so it looked nice when the family arrived, but little did I know the dog shit was intertwined all over the ground. Raking took on a whole new meaning. Heh. That was when Christmas was still exciting. Now? Just a nice cup of coffee and the tree lights are about all I have left.


I may do very little today other than sitting here typing. Sharon's chair keeps coming to mind along with the discussions of philosophy. The previous entry flew off this keyboard, although now it appears full of holes and incomplete. Thoughts of the Raven and that beautiful yet horrible night, memories of Ashley and her thrall upon my senses, a very odd dream this morning and the holiday season are holding me down like lashing on a semi trailer. I sat in her chair shortly after Ashley sent my stupid self home from the goblet and I gushed everything... From dashing out of work to wrapping myself in the warmth of Juliette, and on to Melanie and her role in getting me the hell out of Vegas after drowning in far too much of everything. I was full of the excess that is the city. Those days spent in the pyramid and Ashley's little apartment certainly had a hand in the way I think right now. This is a bad time. Remaining indoors may help.

And then I picture arriving at the big mall after work and meeting the sisters to head back to their parents' townhouse for the evening. Decorations, their mom's tree with three-thousand lights and enough ornaments to bend the branches downward like heavy snow, and the feeling of being so comfortable by the warmth of her family. Again with the glow? Yeah... Again with the glow.

The dream was strange. One of my friends lived just two doors up this street and was working on something big in his garage. I took a delivery for him of some large electrical items, and as I spent time in my own garage I saw lots of cars rolling by a bit too fast for a residential area. Some were driven by people I knew, and all appeared to be electric or natural gas powered. I didn't understand what was going on. A woman drove off the street and was heading toward me at an angle across two driveways, so I dashed out of the way and she gently hit my recycle bin. Not a big deal. And then we were in the backyard looking at all the roofs. My friend and his wife were commenting upon my house and my neighbor to the opposite side from them. There were trees growing on both roofs and they were impressed by the insulation value of having vegetation instead of roofing materials. There was a huge oak tree over my house and I had been fearing it falling down. My neighbor also had big trees on her roof. Very strange. We talked a bit and then I awakened.

I know there are many car-guys around this area and I hear the sounds of hot rods almost daily. I think they gather and go out together sometimes, and that may have been the reasoning behind all the cars in the dream. The rest was weird, but I've always been the person with lots of technical knowledge, so others often come to me with questions. I could have been advising on whatever project my friend was dealing with. Interesting. All my time in the garage lately may have driven such subjects.

The entries are shortening because I don't know what to say much of the time. There is much more going on inside me than what is written here. I can't reveal certain ideas and dreams because I will be labeled and I simply can't have that shit these days. So, less here, more inside. The new way of life. I may drown in my own thinking at some point. None of it is good.


We are going to visit her parents for an early dinner today. Special occasion. The last couple of days have been partially filled with preparations. I don't really feel like going over there this time. This past week has had me at sixes and sevens because of my peace and quiet being interrupted too much. I only had one day out of seven to myself, the rest not returning until two days from now. Being out of the house and visiting someone else feels strange these days, plus to add my discomfort at being around other people too often nearly pushes me to cancel and remain home alone. The air outside is cramming holiday dreams into my head and I am going to be progressively less pleasant company as the days pass. While at their house today I must keep my mouth shut and simply listen. I can also consider the wonderful feeling of arriving home after being out. That never gets old.

The furnace is running.

October shined, glowed. My desk at the HFFF was in the back of the office. I enjoyed having a clear view of the door and always wished for my computer monitor to face away from others. Privacy, to the last. Above my desk was a rectangle of cork boards which held the weekly NASCAR results and models as well as the typical bland government calendar. I loved the numbers. The months, too. The interesting aspect of the calendar was that we only had room for displaying seven months at a time, so into June or July I would switch the pages and display the second (better) half of the year, all the while marking the 'off' Fridays and federal holidays so we could make plans. That was one of my favorite activities. Yep, changing the calendar. I wanted to see the cooler months up there because they reminded me that October was coming and all of the enjoyment which went with it, not to mention the remainder of the year. This month we are in right now drove more excitement than any other on that calendar due to it being the door to all of the gatherings, shorter days, and generally more heartwarming time of year. I loved it. Both ballistic ranges had similar setups for the date because our shooting schedule had to be constantly scrutinized.

Ugh this morning does not feel so great. I have plenty of time before heading to the market for avocados, but still the morning seems less enjoyable than the typical for some reason. Whatever. Lots to consider this day.

I put the vampires on for the second time this year. Back at the beginning. There is a scene later which I need to transcribe and I can't recall when it takes place. Third season, perhaps. But I don't want to just search for it because it needs to play out in proper context. As I used to have displayed all over the site in the old days, 'context is everything'. Oh, that statement relates to nearly every aspect of living life but I will refrain from going on a tirade. Suffice to say, I want to hear the words the man speaks and jot them down here for posterity. It's a good one. The pitfalls of watching are just going to have to be pushed away this time because I have no room for fear lately. Other shit is commanding my attention. Priorities. And I'm still pretty damned angry over last weekend and my weakness in believing I could pull off a gathering without a hitch. That was some heavy bullshit and I will not have it in my life any longer. Thus, the issues with the show are minimized right now.

Saturday means a bit of prep for tomorrow along with the usual crap. I never went into the office to reorganize the filing cabinet the other day. That is still awaiting my attention, plus I need to straighten the room. Something else has to change, as well. A shift in direction or the way I live these days. I'll have enough space later today for thinking of whatever seems best for my survival, and the idea feels more dire now than ever for some reason. Treading water is fine, but tiring. Maybe I can go further. Right now I don't know, yet the drive is increasing with each passing morning. October was always the BEST line on the calendar, although now the only difference I see is the name of the month. All the reasons for this time of year being so bright have disappeared. Well, most of them anyway. Something has to happen and I don't know how to begin.


Imagery of models has become boring of late. Whatever. They just don't blow my skirt up much anymore.

I need a change. Don't know what to do.

Nothing took place in the garage yesterday, and damned little in the house. I did what was necessary, nothing more. Damn, but the weather has cooled lately. There is still some hot coffee, so I suppose sitting here for a while is fine. The house is quiet for the time being. Almost all of the models have been reassembled, meaning after the last one is finished I can store the boxes and leave them all on display. Space is at a premium. The only item I really can't do anything about is the mattress in the old office. Everything else is negotiable these days. I'll have to try and streamline my things and see if anything can be compacted or tossed. Other than the routine in a little while, I really don't know what else to do this morning. Exciting, eh? Nope.

October. I remember when we moved into the apartment after the trailer years, and I had been out of the Halloween mode for a long time. The apartment was no different, really, as we only had one person knock on the door for a trick-or-treat. I became very disillusioned as a result, and felt that an era had come to an end. Well, the last year we were in the apartment showed me something wonderful. We took a walk on that holiday across the school grounds and into a neighborhood of single homes. Lo and behold, the Halloween spirit was in full effect. Kids everywhere, pumpkins and lighting, and more of the past than I had thought possible after so many years. I had tears in my eyes even though no one frequented the apartments in the area. Soon after, we moved into a house a bit further east and the following season was wonderful. I had the tiki torches going, scary music, and we received tons of kids looking for candy. I realized my fear of the season changing was misplaced. We had simply lived in an area which was not busy during Halloween. Everything changed that day, meaning my faith in tradition was restored. Now? There will doubtless be a bunch of people out as long as there is no rain. I'll have the garage colored red and orange and await the younger crowd. Still different than many years back, but perhaps enough to keep my head above water.

November will arrive before we know it, and along with the calendar change will be the mountain feelings, another big holiday (no family left, though) and then rolling into Christmas almost immediately. Last year I had everything decorated and the movies up there. This year is a mystery. The holiday season does not change, but I certainly have. Maybe the countdown was a good idea after all.

Wow, this sideline reporter for the college football game is stunning. Big fucking surprise. Another 'whatever'.

The obsession must remain locked away.

We are early in the fall season so far, and as long as I can stretch it out somewhat there may be no deep issues taking place. 'May' be. I don't know how I am going to feel into November. This is tough, to put it mildly. The glow was likely the best period for holidays, including a trip to the city for a party I had been nervous about. It ended up more fun than I had expected, games and food included, and I came out the other side with a deeper faith in events from which I normally would have shied away. The glow is that much more important due to visiting that party. It was a beginning of sorts. None of it can come back, and that thought brings to mind something my partner said years later in Reno at a huge birthday dinner. She told me to teach the younger people (my niece and nephew) the importance and special nature of those events so they could begin their own traditions later in life. They could build upon the foundation of what the family did in recognizing holidays and what they meant. Well, that sounded really nice, yet I never really went anywhere with such a dream. Everything just faded over the years. Another regret, that one, because it's all gone for good. Fuck me, anyway. Now the holidays are truncated and hollow.


I believe I went into that stuff during an earlier entry entitled 'holiday'. I still feel all of it, too. Pain. Loss. Emptiness. This may turn into a very bad period. At least the unrelated fear has been crushed for the time being. I really don't need both right now. Anger is powerful and has the ability to force inclines otherwise too difficult to climb. It's happening right now. If the fear basis has a problem, well... Fuck you.

Sunday now. Dinner yesterday actually began to feel like a holiday for some reason. Perhaps the wine or something else, but I definitely became comforted afterward and then on the way home. The cool air is helping me feel the fall, too. I stood in their back yard and pictured all those dinners for years, including the New Year, which always takes place the day of. Their tree is usually by the fireplace and dinner is a bit more complex than the other occasions throughout the year. Yesterday I tried to remain quiet and just listen because I didn't really feel like going in the first place. I made the best of it for the benefit of her family, though. Later after the sun began to lower I felt the holiday magic for a little while. Overall I am glad I did not shy away from dinner over there. That would surely have left me feeling selfish. And then the holiday effect took me off my feet for a while.

Not all was good last night, however. We visited the bar for a little while and learned there was a private party already partially underway. The security let us in so say hello to the owner and our old friend, and then she informed us we could stay a while. And then the host of the party stated the same, so we remained for a couple of hours and caught up. Not really any forms or strikes, just memories. Music, whatever. I felt fairly comfortable there -- enough to make a plan for watching today's football game -- so the visit was not too bad. But there was something that I cannot put into words. A feeling, I suppose. The holiday inkling at dinner soon combined with it and sent me downhill somewhat. I no sooner began to feel uncomfortable and then we left. Home was less comfortable. I am still not doing very well this morning. I believe the memories caught up with me and ruined the night. They are hanging on even now.

I will go watch the game later. Lunch over there, too. And then back here for some housework which may in fact prove more enjoyable. We are t-minus one day until my normal schedule resumes. There is much to do, including my becoming less and less available for conversation. That is a priority right now. Keeping quiet about everything has become an avenue for leaving others in the dark, and that basically boils down to a matter of controlling my reaction to stimuli. People are really getting on my nerves. I must be careful, though. Too much raw alienation and I could forfeit some things which are necessary for my comfort. Balance, if you will. The work around the house later and early this week shall reflect this mindset. Everything is related. I'm certain the smashed fear and increasing anger will provide motivation.

Yesterday evolved into a boost. After having seen some people at the bar, and likely the most there since before the world went to hell in a handbasket, my comfort level dropped only briefly before I raised my head and began to feel as if no one could affect me at all. By the time we left, the difficulties inherent in realizing I was near a mass of sheep subsided almost completely. Above? No... Just lateral. All I have to do now is move forward. As soon as I figure out how I will promptly place the information here.

I'm going to get some shit today over the game but this is the way it has to be for a while. Last weekend was too much and forced me to see that no matter my intentions I am not in control here. So, off to the bar for the game, and into a place where I do not feel it necessary to control anything. I am just a number, and quite often that is all I need to be. They are not as comfortable there as I, meaning there is one tiny aspect of visiting which can bring me a measure of satisfaction after my planned Sunday went south. The only thing better is the idea of tomorrow morning when my little world returns. This evening? Yes, some of that, too.

Alone right now, as is the custom of Sunday morning. I was not up very early, though, because of going to sleep a while later than usual. Today will make up for that, and I'll also be the hell out the door within two hours from now. Before going I only have a couple of things to care for. The rest can wait until this afternoon. I am already looking forward to more alone time. No voices, no questions, nothing being asked of me, and the space to work on myself without distraction.

I don't know what else to say this morning."