March 13th, 2022 9:29am pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.


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"Ah... That last entry was right up against the line toward the end. I can express opinion (I think) without any backlash, but that is all. Care must be taken.

1005, just after the previous entry was completed. Or, twenty minutes since I decided the page was long enough to move forward and build another. Seven-plus thousand words is plenty. Whatever. This is meaningless most of the time, anyway.

Sunday business will begin and progress at a slow pace, and soon. I plan to spend the entire day in the house and garage -- doors closed -- to remain in the center of my little world. Media will follow suit. No commercials, no opinions, no bullshit about which I may need to worry. The news feed is updated here and there, meaning if anything dramatic takes place I will see what's been reported. Like the previous entry stated, knowing who or what to believe is difficult, so I'll try to draw an average. I'm sure if I see a multitude of military aircraft in the skies over the Bay Area it means something is going on. Heh.

That brings a point to mind: Throughout the last two-plus decades, the government has seen fit to remove and/or close many of the military bases here on the west coast. The missing strength on this side of the country does not necessarily make me uncomfortable, yet I do feel differently than when I was young and everything was still open. I recall driving to Moffett during the early eighties and asking the guard at the east gate if there was a good place for photographing aircraft arriving and leaving the base. He basically stated that we needed to go somewhere else. No knowledge of good vantage points, I guessed. The key fact is he was a US Marine, whereas now those gates are manned by NASA's own office of protective services. By definition, NASA police. I used to know some of them. I bring this up because a coworker of mine often lamented the shrunken military presence at the center after the land had been transferred from the US Navy to the hands of NASA. He said prior to the change, he had always felt very safe there due to the surrounding MPs and massive military presence. I never really thought much about it until visiting a closed military base across the bay ten years ago for a photography club project. Everything was abandoned. I noticed, yet still did not feel any sense of loss. Now I do. If the shit hits the fan, the west coast appears it will be left twisting in the wind. I don't like it anymore. I suppose if anything does happen, I can always crack a beer and stand in the garage with my revolver. That will keep the world in check, right?

The closure of so much means this side of the nation is now tilted from the stability of the cold war. I'd say I don't like it, but the truth is I don't like much of anything these days. Too many heads firmly jammed up too many asses, to put it mildly.

0759 on Monday after a mellow Sunday. Cold outside this morning. Well, cold for this locale, anyway. I have the house to myself for the next several hours and intend to continue where I left off yesterday. Some of my minor efforts are paying off. The crap returned yesterday morning and basically forced me to realize that everything I've been thinking is correct, yet everything I have been doing is completely wrong. Backwards. I'm going to shut it off for a long while and see what happens. Ooh-fa, Oksana is so fucking thin. Sometimes she looks unhealthy, but I don't know. Modeling can be brutal. Anyway, this morning is the first absolute shutdown to take place in recent years, meaning the next week or more will indicate any ill effects or worry. Some days, that's all. The work will commence soon enough. Afterward I'll move along disassembling the models so they can all be boxed. I would like everything as compact as possible right now.

The more I think about the conflict, the more I need to have our stuff in order. That means going outside the norm in an effort to feel a little more comfortable just in case things go bad. A scrape unlike any other. I keep updated (as much as possible during a time when information flies around the world from far too many sources to trust) no matter what else may be taking place during my days. Today will be no different. We had a little powwow with the neighbor on Saturday night, and knowing he is quite protective of everything for which we have worked really helps. It's like our own little support structure right next door. We could not ask for a better neighbor. As the day progresses, I'll direct my efforts toward a combination of the routine, projects that are mid-stream, and the fortification. A little at a time, with the relaxation attached to continuing the models.

The switching of tables is driving much of my organization these last three days.

0853 and almost time to move away from this crap and into the day. The coffee is almost gone. Gangsters keeping me company. The air outside is still very cool so I'll remain indoors until the sun is high. I may have to go to the market again, as well. I drove over there this morning, early, and picked up cream for the coffee, but going that early means I can't really think straight. The place is empty, too. I could have made a list yesterday, damn it. Whatever. I will fill the gas tank because the prices are going to continue to rise here because of the shit overseas. I don't know about others, but the price of gas in this part of California is averaging, between five and six dollars per gallon. Not good. At least I don't commute anymore so the fuel sits and lasts a while. Better than nothing.

'The prime material plane is again tilting, possibly worse than during 1236. Aslant like nothing else aside from that terrible period twenty-plus years ago. The negative material plane has been explored to a certain extent. The prime has yet to be fully identified, however, because this is not where we wish to reside. The positivity flows like a two-bit whore regardless of the fact that most of it is completely false. Down below where the negative particles flourish is where we must remain. Thoughts must align with the particles lest we fall into the bullshit of the early teens. We cannot have that. We are tilted.'

The entirety of the writing here, including the archive all the way back to zero two, comprises less than twelve megabytes. Interesting that so much effort and time takes up less memory than a single, compressed digital image. Unbelievable, actually. Lots of work here for two decades.

0719 on Tuesday morning. In and around my activities today I need to prepare for a planned power outage which is to take place tomorrow morning and last several hours. I'll be keeping the media portable, so everything related to batteries must be put in line today. No big deal. We've had the notice for some weeks now. The usual routine and then possibly another big model. I completely disassembled one yesterday and only need to package it. The next can begin when my morning is moving along. I'm still thinking about the tilt.

0819. Heh... Exactly an hour. I've been looking into security on several platforms and considering the day's options. Now that the morning business is out of the way, I can focus upon whatever seems best. It's a focus fricass. No one understands that word anymore. Maybe I'm too old to attempt getting a point across clearly. Anyway, today will likely be much like yesterday. Organization and thinking, along with the models and typical tasks here and there.


Jesus holy hell in a pair of contact cases, Edie's eyes look fucking enormous sometimes. He comes in the door and announces being home, and then the expression on her face just floors me to no end. In some scenes her eyes are huge and I only began to pay attention recently after falling all over myself because of the other pair of eyes. I focused upon Jamie so often that Edie went by the wayside. Well, not her ability to act. She is nearly unparalleled. I don't know how or why, but big eyes became stirring to me in recent years, especially when they are dark. Something happened. Maybe it was the Raven sitting next to me staring. I don't know.

I am still keeping somewhat updated on the shit storm over there in the east. Not necessarily worried, though, only some concern along with the increasing need to fortify. I don't even know what good it would do, but the effort of organization keeps me busy. Along with the upcoming table switch, I have plenty to keep me occupied for the duration. I'm not a fan of blonde hair anymore, but Drea's hair pushed back with a head band in this scene looks fucking amazing. Whatever. The morning has moved along and I need to step away from this very soon to work around the house. I have some things charging in preparation for the power shutdown tomorrow morning. The scope of work is specific, however I do need to remain mindful of the fact that sometimes there are unforeseen circumstances which push the work beyond the estimated time. Some years ago I went to the kitchen and opened the faucet to see there was no water pressure. I did not panic because I know how things work. Instead of worrying, I ventured outside and was struck in the eye by a muddy river across the street. There had been a leak in one of the main lines not far from here and they had to kill the block to perform an emergency repair. A few minutes after going outside, a water department employee came to the door to apologize for the sudden shutdown and ensure that residents knew of the reason. Good fucking God does Oksana look stunning in the current scene. It goes bad, though. Very bad. In the interest of making people laugh, the action plays out in a manner consistent with offense. The world makes it funny and I fucking hate it. Anyway, Oksana heats the screen like at no other time during the series. I plan to have the big camera ready for that fucking unreal fourth season glimpse of her gorgeous thigh gap, top to bottom. Sometimes she appears too thin while during other shots she is very shapely. Damn, she can be something else at times. Where was I? Ah... The power tomorrow. I'll be prepared and here alone so no worries at all.

0916 and time for the routine. My friends will follow me.

Wednesday morning after the early business, 0800. I am one hour from the power shutdown and ready to go. I'll be caring for the usual stuff and then continuing work on the models. Once complete, I can begin the moves for switching the tables. There is a good plan in place for keeping everything in order once the work commences. I am also trying to remain updated on the situation in the east. This type of conflict is difficult to imagine in the modern era, especially considering all of the cold war shit since the eighties. I did not think anyone around the world would be capable of initiating such a scrape, let alone an entire invasion. The current climate is insane. All I can do is stay informed, I suppose.

The problems have been pushed back in recent days and helping me to stand upright and face each morning with more of a positive attitude, yet somewhere in the back of my mind I already know the entire works will fall apart eventually. I think today will be ok, though, because once the power is off in a little while my brain will be focused upon safety and security, as whenever there is a service interruption my mind goes into survival mode and stays there even after the service is restored. Again, the military mindset takes over. Power does maintain my media and other entertainment during the day, yet I still have portable equipment and plenty of things to do as it follows along. I think a portion of today will be spent sitting with the models, too. That work is so relaxing and interesting that I can't avoid heading in such a direction just for comfort. Taking the larger models apart without the benefit of the instruction manuals is a puzzle in and of itself due to both the sheer complexity and not knowing of the steps in assembling. I actually have to sit there and stare at the whole while trying to calculate how parts can be separated. The designers really ensured that each type of vehicle is very strong when completed. Going in reverse can be tough and really makes me think. I am already looking forward to relaxing with those cars in a little while.

This is actually a good time for the power to be interrupted because the conflict on the other side of the world has me concerned and the power is just one more reason to make sure everything is in order here. We try to have the emergency kits organized and ready to go. The fortification feelings will be two-fold on this day. Very interesting. I'm going to keep an eye on the street, too. They may be working nearby, plus there is a power pole between our house and the neighbor. The shutdown is schedule for nine this morning, meaning they may already be out there setting up.

1451 and for some reason my clock in the living room is now displaying twenty-four hour time rather than the norm. The power shutdown came and went. I took off for the market at 0907 and returned at 0942 to see the power already back in operation. I knew the shutdown was imminent, too, because when I turned the car around in the nearest court there were trucks already there. I had no idea the outage would be so short. So, I've had the typical media going on two televisions and keeping me company all day. And the work has been fruitful.

For some reason, there was a bit of pep in my step after finishing the routine. I went into the garage and freed the old dining table and then lowered it to the floor. Step two was shoving a stock sheet of plywood onto the supports which previously held the table. Third was to place everything onto the new, oversized shelf and straighten up. Next? I disassembled the rectangular dining table and slid the mattress into the garage. Lastly, I relocated the old table to the office and set up the bast of the stored table in the dining room. I cannot safely place the table top on the base, however. That would be asking for a back issue. Can't have that. So, I have everything cleaned and ready to go. When she arrives home in a few hours we can lower the top to the base together. Four bolts and the entire job is finished. The end result of all this crap is more storage in the office and garage, and a rounded table in the dining room which will ease movement. Today has been a very productive set of steps. Now I'm tired, but thinking of tomorrow morning without this crap on my mind plus no power shutdown? Wonderful.

The downside is that I've read there may be or have been biological or chemical weapons used by the invaders in the conflict over there. That is bad. Very bad. I'm hearing awful things from that area of the world and have been more concerned than ever about more countries' involvement. That could lead to much worse. I certainly hope there is some relief soon, and mostly for those who are innocent and in the middle.

1546 and I was able to safely put the table top on and fasten it securely. The leaf is in, too. Now the dining room looks odd because there is so much more space around the table. Heh. The cabinet project paid off because it balances the room. The bar is centered in the back with twin cabinets flanking it. Very nice. I am fairly proud of both projects and feel good about them being finished. I still need to reorganize the office, though. The big table allows me to ease the amount of crap on the drafting table (namely the huge printer) and expand everything so it doesn't appear cluttered. One step led to another, and then another, and now I can reap the benefits. All in all the house has benefited greatly from my efforts. The garage, too.

Next on my list today is to get the rub on the steak and have it ready to grill this evening. Sitting here right now it's hard to believe both furniture projects are finished. Weeks ago I would not have thought this possible.


0742 on Thursday. All that work yesterday means I'll take it easy today. Maybe the last model disassembly and going through the chest freezer a little. Otherwise, I plan to spend some time on this machine with my typical media up there. So far today I am not anticipating feeling as good as yesterday. The morning had me pretty well relaxed and far from the usual worries and difficulties, hence the production not long after. I was concerned about the power shutdown which never really materialized for me, but then again it melted away just in time for me to realize the morning bullshit was being shoved to the rear. I was not reminded until much later in the day. Into the evening, really. For two seconds I thought I would come home from the market angry and concerned over a very tall, slender woman entering the store clad in guess-what. Fortunately, my brain continued with the work day after such a glance and left her by the wayside. I believe the conflict in the east combined with my staying busier around the house than in recent months has rearranged my head for the time being. Everything will return at some point, though, and drop me off the edge of the world again. The smiling faces are always right there waiting to cut me down. I'll have to maintain this forward stance as long as possible to avoid the bad taking over.

The fact is I try to push back every day, usually beginning just after brewing coffee in the morning. The reason is I know it will come back no matter how I may feel on a given day. Good or bad, productive or otherwise. There is nothing I can do about it, either. Everything is gone... Long gone. I watched for years and now do not wish to look in that direction any longer. But believe me when I say that the words here lately have been more 'up' because I wore out the 'down'. I am not fond of circumstances which cannot be altered, and this represents the worst of all. The little ups are still going, such as accomplishing work at home or the upcoming car show or whatever else is there to look forward, yet underneath... The one reason I consider suicide almost daily.

0818 and I am keeping updated on the situation over there. Not good. It had us discussing 'what-ifs' last night and trying to make plans. Perhaps today I'll ensure out emergency stuff is organized.

One of the smiling faces cut me in half.

My world is not very sizeable. On the other side of the door is a larger world, yet both seem to be tilted right now. Inside? I can't do anything about my feelings running aslant. There has been too much in stone for far too long. Outside? I have absolutely zero control over anything beyond the front yard, meaning I'd feel much better if everything just fucking calmed the hell down. Wow, my right arm is sore from yesterday. Maybe I overdid it without knowing. I'll have to be careful. Anyway, there is little chance of me going beyond the confines of this little house today. The comfort is going to be paramount, from kitchen work to the media and on to a mid-morning cocktail. I don't feel pressured right now. Very good, because the tilt makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Unlike the tilt inside the house, the big one on the other side of the world is probably beyond anyone's grasp. It makes me angry, yet such a feeling has to stay out of here and away from conversation. Arguing about a geopolitical situation with anyone is akin to arguing the same with a rock in the yard. I will say one thing, however, and that is the more I read about 'sanctions' and discuss the matter with my partner, the more I realize there are not very many people in that nation who support their leaders, and the sanctions are going to cripple the innocent. This seems to be typical of any leader since the dawn of time... Beat up the other guy to change a sole outlook and leave everyone else on the side of the road with nothing. Above and beyond, really. Fucking stupid. The more we squeeze, the more angry he will get, and then the risk grows beyond that one section of the globe. Fucking stupid. Eh... I should leave my opinion out of this text. I already feel so much disgust and hatred for so many fucking idiots around the world that to express them here would never end and likely repeat over and over. Ugh. No more opinion. I'll do my best.

'Everyone can go and fuck themselves in a muddy ditch in Winter. The name is REN. Do not ask. Yes, the name is all over the Master page, historic references, and advertising materials, and it is often the subject of questions and conjecture, however you will not fucking learn of the genesis nor the deep meaning. Live with it. The name is also in one of the first lines of a passage by William S. Burroughs. That does not relate here at all. As I said a moment ago, just fucking live with it.

REN. The secret name.'

Ah that was supposed to be different, as related to the Raven period and the help She provided with some aspects of the world and society. I never really branched with the idea, though. The name remained here due to it being a large part of the development of thoughts, and the realization that it had become very personal forced me to shut down the project and continue as the site has for the last seven years. Whatever. None of this really matters anyway. Something brought the name to mind (maybe one of my shirts?) and I spouted the angry paragraph above into a document last year. Originally it was to be an entire entry, yet there is almost nothing which can be said if the name is to remain in the dark. So, nothing came of it. Still? The name stirs me to the core and I cannot let it go. The massive upside is the fact that I am the only person in the world that has even the first clue as to the meaning. Heh. Control? You betcha.

0658, Friday morning. I have rolled through four complete seasons of the show in a mere six days. Unbelievable. It's been in the background no matter my work around the house. And speaking of the house, I have not been anywhere aside from shopping for necessities in almost two weeks. Rather like the first summer of the pandemic, I've been holed up and self-restricted. This is very comfortable right now. I am still keeping updated on the conflict, too.

Yesterday I was feeling quite worn out due to the big table switch the other day. That was a lot of work, so I decided to relax and disassemble the largest model instead of carrying on with the organization. The tables have opened an entire universe of possibilities and I intend to take advantage of a handful today. The early business will commence shortly, after which I need to remain here for a while, and then off to the races. More crap in the trash, better access to things, and a neater appearance both in here and the garage are my goals for this day. There may be some work next week, too. I'm going to interface with the boss so we can determine which of the jobs will be ok for me to help. A little cash in the pocket is always nice.

And my day has begun.

The show is still on and I've missed a few opportunities with the shutter release. Damn. Well, they will come around again soon enough. Not just the woman, either. There have been other necessary shots on the screen that I wish to capture. This is my lot in life now... Make-believe, fantasy, unrealistic hopes and dreams, all the while sitting within a little world no one understands. Lot. In. Life. The basement is ever closer to my deviant sense of reality. Had I known this much trouble would be present every fucking day, there would have been a change some years ago. Everything I tried has failed and there is not one person with which I can speak about any fucking subject on the planet. Tilted, sliding.


1504. I went over the hill to get some lunch and visit the big hardware store, but then after eating changed my mind about shopping. Something kept me from entering the store. Perhaps when there is nothing I specifically need, the idea of browsing and possibly spending money falls away. Lunch was nice, though. It reminded me of the heady days and nights on Fremont Boulevard many years ago, even before the glow. Just before it, actually. Those nights, especially, when we were out there incognito and relaxed with some food and a nice vantage point. I did the same today... Picked up my lunch and then isolated myself in a similar position. It was then that I decided to avoid the hardware store.

0702 on Saturday. Coffee and gangsters.

The organization yesterday continued into the afternoon until I was reminded of a film from a few years ago. That led to a wormhole of information regarding the subject matter and time period. The sixties in Hollywood became one of my favorite subjects some time ago and the feeling continues to this day. The 'glow' of that era forces the present to appear even more tilted than it really is. There is a handful of titles which carry the feeling along sometimes. I haven't watched any lately, though, due to my preponderance for the typical serial media and the pull of those five main shows. Once I was reminded of the film in question, the search for more information began and one subject led to another until I wore myself out. By that point it was time to work on dinner preparations. Heh. The subject matter is not good, either. But the film is excellent.

There is Drea's bra again with the two different straps from the cups to the shoulders. Very interesting. It almost appears like leather or something similar. I've not seen that style before. Only on the show.

1835 and much of this day has been a fruitless search for a different menu system here on the site, something I've been trying to implement for a long time. The navbar up there is fine, I suppose. No matter what I try to accomplish in the direction of a more attractive and dynamic menu, I always seem to end up going back to what you see at the top of each page. This is ridiculous. The foreseeable future will not find this space changing much. One day I'll work it out, but not today.

All of the restocking and organization is part way finished. I'll care for the remainder tomorrow. Right now I can't seem to get a few images out of my mind for long enough to focus upon anything aside from comfort and simplicity. Ah... This episode of the second show always reminds me of dinner at a friend's house way back in the late nineties. Two couples and myself, all fans of the series. We sat at the dining table with the show in the background (kind of like me almost every day) and poked fun at some of the situations because we all knew the episode very well. Enough, in fact, to recite nearly every line of dialog verbatim. So funny. All five of us, too. Anyway, this evening is not going to amount to much. All the shopping crap was handled, I did the usual routine and a little extra, and then had my ass completely kicked by Javascript, CSS and HTML. Enough of that shit for a while. Someone is playing 'doorbell ditch' with the captain. Not good.

I should have been watching the other show last night. Now it is 0700 straight up and I feel behind for some reason. Maybe the dream fucked up my head this morning. I can't even describe it, either. Too explicit and very surprising. It was a bad one for me to experience during the current period. Very bad for me. I am in a very precarious position lately, and something like that need not come along and trip up my efforts in remaining here. There was a tidbit of thought yesterday afternoon, as well. That one had to come and go quickly or I would have opened my mouth in a bad way. The dream had nothing to do with reality. Something from the past and a person I may know, yet the other person was from one of the shows. Yes, one of those five series' which happen to flash on my televisions quite often. The character from the show was probably the most unlikely figure to appear in such a dream, honestly. The other person? I might know her. Everything was unclear. Edie's hair looks gorgeous in this scene. Anyway, today being Sunday means I will have hours to myself. If the weather doesn't go south, I can organize more stuff in the garage with music in the background. My mood is already heading downhill because of yesterday's thinking being completely reinforced by the dream. And speaking of moods, just a few nights ago was a knock at my door...

None other than the replacement squareheads, standing there looking like they were born five minutes prior to requesting an audience with yours truly. I never should have met with them in person (although that was originally a different pair of missionaries) or had more than a one-minute conversation. Now they are concerned for my well-being at a time when my thoughts go so far beyond their strict lifestyles that I would not even know where to begin. Bad mood? Well, I don't have any of that bright-eyed hopeful shit anymore. To me, everything is darkened now, black to a certain extent. I admit to being harshly cynical and very negative, but honestly those two terms have defined me for good reason. Not just my own actions and decisions, but also that which I have seen before my eyes and heard with my own ears. Unfortunately, trying to sit here holding on to whatever 'paradise' may be awaiting us when we leave this earth is not nearly enough to sway me. Those two have their mission and feelings, standpoints and stories, but I cannot embrace them any longer. In the beginning we discussed the voodoo and I was as interested in the subject as way back when I took a class in college. Now? I just can't do it anymore. My brain is so far removed from any sort of guidelines that if I were to actually embrace some set of procedures, I would need to lie through my teeth from morning to night regarding how I felt about anything. I just can't be full of shit toward those guys because despite the fact that I see them as rather wacky, they have beliefs just like me and I am not going to tell them anything is right or wrong, just different. Wasting their time? I believe I did, some. No more, though. I'll contact them through channels in a few hours and shut down any possibility of being addressed in the future. I will be nice, but when I say 'shut down', it basically means my terminology and inflections will inform them clearly that I am heading in a different direction. The knock at the door was an unannounced announcement, and one I did not appreciate. If I want to see people, I'll seek them. I wish to be left alone.


Today is the garbage day. I did all of the laundry between Friday and yesterday, too. That frees up more time today for other concerns. The garage needs attention. The office needs attention. I'll have to keep busy once the day moves along far enough for me to walk away from the IDE, too, lest I fall back into that mood like many months ago which resulted in a hole in my finger and a hell of a headache. I can't have that right now, although I'm becoming pretty fucking pissed off this morning after that damned dream. I may yet end up out there causing some sort of damage. Garbage day came along at the right time, I guess. I can minimize my shit.

Much of my shitty mood has been caused by others, and I am certain that dreaming in some specific directions is due to my inability to either understand people or properly connect with them... Another fucking fault of theirs. I know it. I've seen and lived it for a while, long enough to point fingers but I will refrain. Much of what goes on inside me has been manufactured as a result of experience and pain, some of which is of my own design. This may not make much sense anymore. I've said much in the last two years, probably more than I should have, yet most of it is gone now. The archive has been truncated from zero three all the way up to last November. That is all. I won't answer for my actions. Sometimes I don't like all that information available for consumption by the very same people I dislike. Anyway, the dream this morning has driven my mood south and I don't see it improving anytime soon. The fake mood will be in full tilt now. Not tilted like the world, but my own little universe tilted off center just enough to have me paying attention. This mood just sucks out loud and right down to the ground.

0807 and I may be sitting here quite a while longer. Today is the beginning of the stupid daylight fucking shifting time (we are not saving anything). Darker in the morning and lighter in the evening. Today is one of two lines during the year and the one I do not like. Fall is much better.


The scene with Jamie dancing just went by. I barely see it anymore because I don't approve of her having so much skin on display. My opinion means nothing to anyone, though, and I know it. Nobody over here. Still, I don't watch the beginning of this episode very often. I just listen.

That brings up last night and an episode of the second show which I did not see when it originally aired in ninety-one due to the life of the glow getting in the way. My regular viewing of the series was a bit later and went on into one of the most stirring periods of my life. Anyway, the point is one of the characters used to rub me the wrong way years ago, perhaps as far back as the early zeros, but I can't recall in detail. She was there as an integral part of the story but I never really liked her face or hair, the only positives being her ability to play the character and the manner in which she interacted with the other principal in the story. Well, when the episode comes around these days -- and it is not often due to all the other media I watch and the fact that the series comprises one hundred seventy six episodes -- I am enamored with every second she is on the screen. What I remember from many years ago is a small part played by a Norwegian model and beauty pageant winner, one of the most stirring faces in the history of beauty. I had the hots for that face so badly that it actually hurt to watch her on the screen. Well, she is still gorgeous to see, yet the other one is on another level entirely. There is something about the sadness and concern in her eyes while some parts of the conflict play out. I can't really define the keys, however. I just know that when I see her face (mostly her eyes and nose) and that goofy hair up and all messy, my heart leaps very far. That actor -- like many others over which I have gushed here for a long time -- has been captured in time, never to change. I can enjoy being all stirred up into a froth whenever I wish. I do not understand how I used to avoid the episode because I didn't like her. I just don't get it. The wrong time for appreciation, perhaps, or possibly my taste changing and/or maturing? I don't know. One thing for sure, though... When I saw her last night I was all goo ga once again. Maybe I'll grab the big camera and put her here. The model, too.

0854 and I have the garage open for business. The weather may not follow along with my plans, though. It's very cool and drizzly outside. The air is calm, so perhaps working out there will not be problematic. I have to be careful these days with my health. Cold seems to affect me more than years ago. I suppose that's natural. The mood is still going south, too. The dream will not let up no matter which way I try to consider the effects upon my psyche. I wish I could lay it all out here, damn it. The last thing I need these days is more of the detailed memories regarding dreams. Sometimes I want to recall everything and relay the information here, while other times it just hurts. This one hurt me quite a bit. And I don't know much about interpretation or whatever those brilliant psychiatrists have said about 'meaning'. There has been too much conflicting conjecture and too many opinions after all this time. I just don't know what to think anymore. The last time I had this much difficulty in dealing with memories of a very clear dream was that little Asian girl next to me with the very long, black hair in view. There were two, actually, and I still know what was going on. The whole subject is nothing more than trouble. I don't remember if this entry or the one before has the line about 'no one with which to speak', but the lack of understanding worsens by the hour. I can't fucking do anything about anything.

Therapy is expensive. I'm in no position to finance an ongoing relationship with a therapist, let alone getting such a venture off the ground in the first place. Most likely, I would spend two years just laying the groundwork for everything before asking one fucking question. Very bad. I need a windfall like never before.

I haven't found a way to get the CSS menu inside the navbar no matter what I try. Way back during the trailer years and even prior to that when I worked for my parents, the programming languages were simpler and I tried to learn from the ground up. Alas, many other aspects of life got in the way and left me sans proper education with this shit. Those languages advance faster than a top fuel dragster versus a fucking slug, meaning by the time I attempt to employ some feature to make the site nicer, that very same feature I'm learning has been on the side of the road for years. I've had the stupid navbar up there for many months now and STILL don't understand most of how it works. I never framed it the way it was originally envisioned, either. It's very simplistic because the underlying code is from another fucking planet. I might just give up and leave everything the way it is right now. I suppose I should be thankful the bar works at all. Ooh-fa, Eugene just gave up on his life, the poor guy. Compared to what he went through, the site code seems trivial.

There have been pieces missing and now there are people missing. This is not good. After yesterday's shopping trip, I need to make room in the garage refrigerator. Maybe today I can drink half the beer in an effort to get more stuff in there. Heh. Nothing is funny. The dream had a smiling face and I kissed it. What took place before the kiss must remain out of this content, and believe me when I say it is not what you may be thinking. Even those who know me best don't have a clue. Another little jab? Pretty soon no one will no me anymore.

Jamie's name on the screen gives me goosebumps sometimes. And I have so much respect and admiration for James that I would kiss his feet. Many others, too. I fucking wish I could express to them just how much of an impact they've had on my existence. Fan mail is so damned clich├ęd these days that I wouldn't even know where to begin. Motherfucked, every time. Many of them have passed on, anyway.

I absolutely cannot WAIT to go to the car show and get into the lens again. I already know there will be a number of my favorite vehicles there along with some new sights. Likely a fuck-ton of legs and pants, as well, but they are not worthy of gracing the sensor in my big camera, only the hardware. I'll see them, though. I always see something. To be honest, I am beginning to get angry when I see those fucking pants. Not their fault, mind you, and maybe no one is to blame, but I feel it nonetheless. Sometimes I'm reminded of Andrea or the goddess due to certain shapes or angles because there is always some type of resemblance to the fit. I can't help it, either. I just can't. I'll keep the lens pointed toward the abstract details for which my photography is known. I have yet to point that machine at a woman other than the goddess. That was a fluke and helped me to realize that I can't do any sort of fashion shooting. Years of focusing upon metals and the like have shaped me into someone who can't see the female models in any way similar to the imagery which has graced this site for a long time. The images are amazing, but I am not the person to try reproducing such artwork. I have to stick to the machinery of vehicles or other subjects along those lines. I tried, but no more of that. And believe me, when the DP project began I had high hopes of capturing tons of what stirs me. Unfortunately, I now know that shooting in such situations would force me into physical desire and that is the worst possible outcome. Everything came to an end not long after I printed the business cards. Now when I look at or think about the camera, the car shows come to mind and nothing else.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate this shit, but at least I know from the beginning that each title will be soon lost in the content. No pressure to tell stories or follow a theme anymore. I just can't get myself to care. And this shit is more long-winded now than it was during the outset of the obsession breaking in. The Raven took care of that shit in a cold minute. Back then, the entries were much shorter because my wording was all convoluted and I ran out of energy quickly. Now? I feel defeated before typing the fucking date, so everything else runs headlong into 'meaningless' faster than you can slap a tick.

I wish I could speak to someone.

And this one is done.