February 18th, 2023 9:56am pst

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.




Desperation Times Two

 read ( words)

"I need to kiss her labia. I need it. I fucking NEED it, God damn you. Shut the fuck up. Don’t be a part of the reason for rampant sadness and anger, motherfuckers. I need to lick her tenderness and show her how important she is. All of her, too, not just labia.

I AM GOING INSANE.

And no one knows.

1535 in the afternoon and the sun is shining. I still can’t work in the garage, though. Far too cold out there for me. I am too sensitive these days, and not just regarding temperature. The desperation is forcing me into a mental fetal position for the billionth time in a year. I am fucking desperate. Combine that last statement with enough booze and resources and I am fucking GONE. The latter is nonexistent right now, fortunately for those who know me personally. I have no wish to cause all manner of damage to other people, but pushed enough and I will fucking make it happen, lifestyle be damned to hell.

I’ve been sitting here for most of the day and haven’t seen anything troubling at all. The camera is all out of position due to my error with the temporary setup, too. The only people passing by are average souls walking their dogs or whatnot. Nothing special. To me, anyway. I need to see that girl from yesterday, but then again I don’t. She will only cause me to feel desperate. I’ll yearn to be close or inside her clothing to see the meaning of my life. The topic will go nowhere and I’ll end up right here like always, wallowing and in pain. If she only knew how much power was exuded by her gait. Wow. If she only knew...

I am still drinking. The foggy blue didn’t really have any effect upon my consciousness, either. Sometimes I worry about having a second drink early in the day and where my head will end up, but today nothing like that took place. Either that, or I’m already too fucked up to realize that the alcohol is changing anything. Maybe I am blind to it anymore. I feel angry, too. The anger won’t lead anywhere today. I just don’t know what to think right now. My least favorite word in the current climate is ‘need’. Very bad, that one. I need so fucking much. I see some people returning from work. Interesting. I’m going nowhere in more than one sense of the word. And I’m only having a beer. They don’t affect me much at all these days. What does affect me deeply is most decidedly absent from my window. So sad that I’ve fallen this far. So sad.

The previous entry held a lot of good analysis. I am still sitting here scratching my fucking head despite all that exploration, and am beginning to think that my suspicions from twenty were correct. This is a waste of time and the only benefit is the lovely sound of the keyboard. I can’t even hear it right now, either. The music is overshadowing everything. Not loud, just very present. I went into the subject of Shilo and those two beauties from twelve years ago. From there I tried to make a connection that would hopefully shed some light on why I am so traumatized by certain lines and types of beauty rather than simply appreciating the nature of those visions. I discussed this with the goddess some years ago, too, but we never came to a conclusion. I was probably too closed off and perhaps quickly retreated every time the topic hit a nerve or became too sensitive. That situation has driven me to suspect that no matter who may listen to me in the future, nothing can come of this, nor should I ever expect to improve. I keep thinking that the right situation may place me where I need to be (with the right person) and alleviate all this fucking pain. Is that even possible? Everything turns to shit. Thanks Tony. I cannot disagree even though I don’t like it. I tried, damn it. I laid out all sorts of options and possibilities, too. The past cannot be denied, nor can one turn their back on it completely. They will only repeat the same crap over and over. That is what I’ve been doing, yet worsening inside at the same time. I haven’t turned the past away, either. I sit here and think about everything from grade school forward and come up with the same fucking questions. Maybe I’m just stupid and incapable of learning anything important. Or worse, perhaps my emotional intelligence was stunted fifty years ago and the die was cast that early in life. Maybe? The current track combined with an alcoholic brain is not good. Ever. I don’t care anymore. Just bend me over and fuck me with the entire universe. I won’t feel it.

A military aircraft just flew overhead while I was in the garage. Very interesting. Considering the amount of aerial crap that has been in the news lately, I am not surprised to hear what was likely a fighter/attack aircraft. That was definitely not someone’s private jet. Not at that fucking velocity. Personally, I love hearing those fighters cross this area. The west coast military presence has been reduced so much during the last two decades that I feel like I live on the ‘fringe’ of the airspace. I will refrain from further opinion, though. No one likes the way I think, anyway. No one listens, either. Well, fuck you too. Don’t disregard the possibility that sometimes I might be just a little bit correct, dipshits. Sometimes. And here comes the Raven’s song again. I am a basket case. If She were next to me right now, all of the power in the universe could not pry me away. Believe it.

Tuesday morning. My brain is unchanged from yesterday. Not a moment passes without thoughts of desperate desire flowing through me and leaving me not knowing what to say. I can toss out all of the usual stuff, such as the time of 0719, the coffee next to me, the news on the right-hand display, and the fact that I have a long morning in front of this machine. Isn’t that what I am supposed to be doing? I’m in a bad spot here, damn it. I was in the same spot yesterday, so one would think that I can work through this because I already did. The sad truth is that this situation can be cumulative. Each day makes me feel worse than the last. Each day also finds me more desperate than the last. Think about that. I have to sit here a while and think about everything. There are images flipping along inside my brain which will not stop, some of which are of real people. Today is going to be a climb. A few situations from many years ago need to stop attacking me. Damn.

I think I just had an apostrophe. There had been a person I mentioned here a few years ago and I just connected her to three others, one of whom is splayed all down this page (as well as the previous two). Like many of the ideas inside me these days, I cannot reveal the type of connection, nor will I state whether it is good or bad. Right now I can’t do that. Even if I type the name of the one from three years ago, that could be enough for a reader to put the pieces together and I just can’t fucking have that. Not good. Oh, and the dreams are involved. And no one is listening because no one is there. Wonderful.

0745. I have a head full of the model on this entry because she reminds me of someone else. Well, two, to be honest. I wish I could further explore this because it is a big deal and has been affecting me quite a bit since last year, roughly around the time I began to notice a shift in the way I think. This has not been easy and I don’t need more visions piled atop my already huge mountain of issues. The connections help me to work on everything, though. I believe without those little strings attached to different visions and time periods, I would have a much more difficult time trying to learn why I feel the way I do these days.

People are heading to work out there. I’m not. Heh. I’m here all day with a short pause later this morning to pick up my order from the wine store. I hope I don’t see any fucking pants over there. The fact is that I need to relax right here today for two reasons. First, my neck is still messed up from the other day and turning my head too much is difficult. The second reason is that I need to consider the connection I made above and the way I thought about that topic last year (remember the festival?). Quiet time in front of this keyboard is the main order of the day. Ah, shit. Here comes one of the characters who helped form the fracture. So, I am hoping for answers. I’m going to completely lose my mind anyway, so I may as well try to understand why before it happens. As I said before, there is a natural component to some of my feelings and that makes me feel at least a little bit better about the overarching subject. The downside to such knowledge is an inability to discuss this with anyone. Ugh. At least I have all this time to myself. That is better than nothing. No going to work for me.



18

I need to refill the coffee for the last time this morning. At some point I’ll decide whether or not to take care of half the routine prior to the drive. Nothing I need to do today is going to take long, nor is anything really pressing right now.

Holy Jesus fucking shit and everything else, I just saw her again, all tall with yoga pants and breasts bouncing. I’ve never seen her dressed like that. Fucking hell, anyway. Oh my fucking God. I can’t remember the last time I felt so much desire, and so quickly. It was instantaneous, really. She crossed my vision twice in the space of less than a minute and I fucking lost my train of thought. Now all I see are her lines. To say that I worship her is nowhere near enough. I feel more... I feel too much, actually. This is ridiculous. I can’t fucking believe what I saw. Good God, everything was right there. What a goddess. I don’t have occasion to see her very often, and I never have had such a vision as I did this morning. Now she is even more cemented inside me. Damn. I really didn’t need that, but to be perfectly honest, I did wish for it. What I would give to see her on all fours...

God help me for my thoughts right now. I am all the way in and there is nothing I can do about it, nor can I speak to anyone. This is the worst possible situation. I want her so fucking bad that I can barely type the words. Maybe I need to get away from the cloud for a while and do something else. Holy shit do I ever need to kiss her softness. Worship is unhealthy. WORSHIP, for crying out loud. What the fuck have I become?

I can’t stop seeing her. She is stuck in my head right now. I have things to do today and some have already been fucking derailed to hell because of the vision. My hands were shaking when I refilled the coffee. I’ll have to cruise over the hill and pick up my order pretty soon so I can pour a big, fat cocktail upon returning. I need something to calm my nerves right now. Jesus Harold Christ, never before have I felt so much desire. I still see her chest bouncing along as those long legs showed off the lines of the universe. LInes. Her lines. This is a massive confirmation of all I thought I saw in the past. Fucking hell, anyway.

Well, the time is now 1125 and my daily routine is finished. As is my custom of late, the dishes are drip-drying in the interest of saving water. Yes, it works. Anyway, I have the rest of the day to contemplate what I saw this morning, the internal turmoil caused by three different situations aimed at my fucking head from three different directions, and the prospect of driving over to the big wine store to pick up my order. They will hold it for a few days in case I decide to avoid leaving the house. The wind is precluding anything taking place outside the door this morning. The mercury has not topped fifty as of yet, meaning the gusting wind is a bit hard to take for someone of my years. I’ll have to consider the drive according to my comfort level. Nothing from this point forward is going to be easy because I can’t stop feeling a deep-seated desire to peek inside her shirt and see the wonder of her bouncing breasts. Fucking shoot me for thinking such things. I don’t fucking care anymore. I am alone, bleeding, and in need of more than I can find in the world. The current period is absolute shit. My day has to move forward regardless of sitting here more desperate than ever in my life. Fuck.

Bleeding. Bloody. Blame. Bloated entries.

I don’t even give a fuck if there is some random goddess in the store. Nothing is going to top the shit I’ve seen since yesterday. I still can’t believe her appearance this morning. Jesus fucking Christ, anyway. Wait a minute... Should I be sitting here swearing and asking questions during a time when I continue to crane my neck to see something? Am I a fucking idiot? Eh, never mind. The state of my head doesn’t really matter when the underlying cause is desperation. I am desperate for so many things that I don’t even know where to start. If I decide to go to the store – a trip which has a fifty percent chance of happening today – the most likely outcome will be me taking care of the pickup and feeling anger above all other emotions. I’ll return home and most likely work on whatever seems most important. The other possibility is that my anger will get the best of me and I’ll swing the fucking hammer despite the weather. There is a chance I’ll gaze at some form wrapped in tight pants. I’ll just have to fucking deal with it like every other occasion.

1320 is on the clock now. Lunch is out of the way and I don’t give a blue fuck in the wind what else is accomplished before close of business. I just don’t care. My head is about as sideways as possible. I am heeled over in the wind. I don’t know what else was going to be on the schedule today because everything other than desire and desperation has flown away. There is a nice, fat glass of the foggy blue sitting to my right to help calm my fucked up head. Whatever that makes me is fine. I don’t care. For the next little while, I need to push back as the anger inside me tries to take over. I can’t be all pissed off this afternoon. There will be business later and it will not pause just because I’m having a bad day. I can start over tomorrow and see where it leads. Hopefully there are no bouncing breasts to derail my time again. Then again, I am absolutely dying to see her again. Dying. Desperate. And? Fucking bleeding all over the place.

I love this new setup. If not for such a massive change this year, I would probably be worse off than I am right now. The media has been switched over to music like yesterday, although not as loud. I need the office to be peaceful or the anger will take over the day. Situations such as the one inside my head right now were nearly nonexistent when I was with the Raven. Ashley is the one who lit off the locomotive years earlier, and then the Raven took over for a short time. They are gone and I don’t know what to do. As usual, no one is listening. I can be physically very comfortable but I am also emotionally wrecked. The inside of my head is four-dimensional these days in order to house all of the information I’ve been filing away for decades. Four-dimensional. Do you know what that means? I am not fucking happy right now. The computer is all I have in the world. That and the booze, anyway. I do not see my situation improving anytime soon. Not good. More bad moods, more booze, more music, less patience with everything else.

Nothing is going to come along, up the driveway, or on the phone at any time in my future, so either I fucking leverage everything and irritate the shit out of other people or I force a situation into being. Do you see? Which one is better? Do you have another option? That’s what I thought. Shut the fuck up. The music currently playing in the background has for years been centered upon a beautiful, fictional world that had been a recurring dream for the artist since a very young age. Well, the artist ran with it and created a world of music to match. Now it is worldwide. Again, I will not state the name, but believe me when I say it is yet another example of someone pushing through (stepping through, really) and into a place in which they can be creative without limitation, and comfortable without concern. I will never know such a place, hence the topic sentence of this ill-begotten paragraph. My mood is heading further south. I am still in control, however.

The music has changed to something older and much quieter. I’m all over the map today, and since I am not here alone, the mellow mood seems best. That can change, however. A few more sips of vodka and this house may explode with other music.

I just went in the other direction to hear one of my favorite compositions by Strauss. It’s so beautiful that I could sit here for a thousand years trying to describe how I feel and would never convey enough. The time is 1422. There is nothing going on outside my window. Little do people know...

Something may happen, and if it does, I’m going to be more fucked up that in quite a while. That is all I will say right now. Just... Something may happen.

Something may happen and I am both excited and afraid. The mellow music vein continues. I need it right now because my head has been blown wide open. The winds of desperation have heeled this fucking boat. Wow, is Mr. Chryssomallis hammering the fucking piano keys all to hell. Beautiful.

I can see the office atmosphere changing in the coming days. The mood is beginning to roll back to that of sixteen and seventeen when I was completely miserable and sitting here as often as possible, the combination of alcohol and music driving the keyboard. I used to create music myself, many years ago. Nothing like what comes over the audio system now, of course, but we did our best to try and go places with the compositions. I think of those years whenever I hear the current artist coming through my speakers. I also recall those two years when nothing I wrote could convey the mood no matter how much I tried. Well, trying doesn’t get it done sometimes. I am the same in some ways, worse in others. No improvement, though. Nada. I predict this space is going to revert to the dark, depressive atmosphere which once dominated my thoughts. Yesterday was the beginning and there will not be an end. So be it.



19

I sincerely hope something happens. I need it, bad. Everything is bad sometimes. This morning was bad. Right out of the fucking gate, too. And I am nothing more than a tiny soul sitting here at this table. Every once in a great while I feel empowered. That feeling is not real. I am no one. I have control over the atmosphere in this house most of the time and it doesn’t make a lick of difference in the world. No one knows what I am doing. Everything related to my actions and moods is insignificant and always will be. I am alone and bleeding to death. Ah... There you go. That was some shit from sixteen if I ever heard it. Maybe if I sit here long enough I will begin to spout words about the fucking forest. That was always fun. Nothing came of it, though. Nothing ever comes of anything I do. Oh, there is the occasional work for someone or little helpful tidbits of information, but the truth is none of it means a Goddamned thing. If the ‘something’ I mentioned above takes place, I’ll be worse off and it will not matter in the least. Bleeding. Bled.

Broken into pieces.

Ah... One of my favorites. More than six minutes of some of the most emotional melodies I’ve ever heard, and believe me, I’ve heard much. I’ve also seen much; felt much. Between yesterday and today, I am beginning to believe that what I do or do not feel does not fucking matter. I must think about this more and consider everything prior to making any sort of decision. It is waiting. No one is there to tell me I am incorrect. In the past, there were voices. Now there are none.

I am already into the tragic year that was sixteen. If my head goes back to late fifteen, this content is going to be completely wrecked. And I don’t care either way.

1702. I thought I may have lost my mind earlier. The afternoon was reined in slightly, leaving me more contemplative rather than full of contempt. Heh. I am back at the control center after a short respite with my show on the second display again. I will not be playing any more music this afternoon. Some things had to be removed from my head for a little while before I could return here and think clearly. One remains, though, and it is not good. The way I see it, I may as well do my best to work around this shitty information and keep a few key past situations away from the keyboard. One idea I’ve splayed here for days is the sheer power that girl has and the fact that I want her so bad. Well, a single term is beginning to change. From ‘want’ to ‘need’. Yes, I need her. My circumstance is constantly changing, yet only for the worse. All I have to do now is figure out if ‘she’ is her, or the other way around. Marvelous.

I think I am done for the day on this machine. I love sitting here, but perhaps relaxing on the loveseat will be more comfortable. And the other one just walked by. Baggy pants, though. Oh, but the lines are in there. I’ve already absorbed the evidence. I know the information she carries will drive me to heaven in a fast car. Just because I can’t see them at present is because she is dressed to be warm. And speaking of warm, holy shit... Never mind.

0810 on Wednesday morning. All of my morning business is finished and I have the rest of the day to myself. The blinds are closed right now due to the sunshine beaming through my window. I should have a view of the hills in half an hour or so. I’ve become accustomed to the view, so when I can’t see out there the office is less comfortable, believe it or not. Rather closed-in, I guess.

1058 is indicated by the little clock at present. I was all geared up to head to the wine store and then the market on my return trip, but a monkey appeared in the wrench. A fly in the ointment, as it were. I drove less than a half mile and my car tossed a message to the left display. It stated that I need to service the electrical system immediately. Well, when the warning is yellow, there is a bit of time. When it is red, however, that means right now, so I turned myself around and headed back here. Along the way, my main display and entertainment system ceased functioning and I saw something along the lines of ‘system shutting down to save power’. Hmm. And then it cycled power a second time. I am glad I decided to make a u-turn or the car may have left me stranded. Anyway, I need to have it towed to the selling dealer. I already contacted the warranty people and got the skinny on the procedure. No driving for me today. I finished the routine and poured a nice glass of whiskey. I really enjoy the fact that I don’t have to go anywhere, least of all a place of work. I’ll probably have it towed tomorrow after I figure out the deal with my roadside assistance. This is only the second time my car has had a problem in well over four years. Not bad.

So, here I am for the duration. I have a few things I’d like to accomplish in the garage today. My camera mount failure from the other day was expanded this morning when I forgot to move it prior to opening the door. Oopsie. The bracket that carries my ‘smart’ opener magnet slammed the mount and broke in half. It still functions, but I have to glue the plastic back together and attach it to the door again. This has been a huge lesson in the fact that the garage door opener is powerful and must be respected. Heh. I learned much, so whenever the temperature rises enough for me to be comfortable out there I can get everything in order. Until then, I’ll remain indoors and work on whatever seems best.

I have a pizza in the oven for comfort. The rest of the day is up in the air because my thought processes were derailed by the car issue. It’s not a big deal, though, because I’ll have it towed and repaired as time permits. Nothing that might affect the typical person with regard to transportation has the same power over me. I don’t need to go anywhere during the mornings, and if my car is laid up for a few days I can use the other one. And? Being stuck at home makes me happy rather than causing distress. I just don’t fucking care. Today has already been a failure anyway, so I may as well embrace my devices and relax. One more time... I don’t care. I am more concerned about a good lunch than the car.

The metal recycling people left notice that they will be on this street in two days. After lunch, I’ll probably head to the garage for a little while to gather whatever can be left for them. I have three small appliances and some old wire that can go, and perhaps I can look around a bit to maximize the effort. The temperature out there is roughly sixty, so maybe I can turn on the third show in the background, drop the big door, and work for a while without being too cold. The sunshine is really helping today. I’m hoping it warms the living space, too. I’ll tell you one thing, once this cold period is over, I plan to take advantage of the warmth and care for some things that have been idle. Nothing is irritating me very much, though. I understand that Winter means indoor work rather than anything outside. The last few weeks have been very cool and I don’t deal with it as well as years ago. This feels very odd because I am not accustomed to my car having an issue. Oh, well. It will be worked out soon.

1258. Lunch is out of the way and I am going to kick into gear before I have the opportunity to begin spinning my wheels like some days. I need to clean the bathroom and then transition to the garage for the work I mentioned above. This is the time of day when I often lose direction and I don’t want that to happen. If I can accomplish a few items before close of business the evening will be more comfortable than those ‘down’ days.

1455. I took care of reorganizing some long-term storage in the rafters. Two out of four sections are now in much better shape, plus I have leftover space for other keepsakes and such that may move out of the living space. I pulled down the two appliances for the metal recycling on Friday. I’ll have them in the driveway that morning. Between today and tomorrow I plan to spend some more time out there just in case there are lingering items that can be recycled. For right now, I need to be off my feet for a while.



20

I learned something earlier today that is going to stick with me permanently. The realization is related to at least half of what I’ve written in the last three years, some likely going back to the dreaded year of sixteen. Ashley and I spoke of this many moons ago. That is all I can say.

‘Stay away from her.’ No shit.

‘I hope you enjoy your bottle of blood substitute which is costing me forty-five dollars.’
‘Oh, I have no intention of drinking it. I just wanted you to pay for it.’ Awesome.

Oh boy, yesterday was a pain in my ass. A big one. The desperation hit one hell of a high point during the morning and then expanded further into the afternoon. Ah... There is Daphne again with her ski-slope nose. So cute, that girl. Anyway, I found out this morning just how powerful the desperation could become, yet still I was completely unable to do anything about the feelings. I sought the genesis of this whole thing in the previous entry but came up with an empty sack. I may never find the fucking thing, and if yesterday and today are any indication, my situation will become much worse before it ever improves. The lesson this morning only served to conjure feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I need her to take it all away, damn it. A repeat of yesterday is going to worsen everything.

My car is sleeping in front of the house. It may be towed tomorrow if I can get things in order. This means that I have to do the same drive as a few years ago so I have the other car for the day. My mouse hand is cold. I need one of those USB hand pockets. Heh. Anyway, aside from the aforementioned tow setup and cleaning the bathroom, I don’t plan to do much else today. Maybe I can tool around the office a little bit and see what can be improved, but other than that I am going to take it easy.

0652 on Thursday morning. I mentioned I’ll be driving today, right? In about an hour, I think. Prior to returning here, I’ll be swinging into the wine store to finally pick up my order. I will then come back and take care of my daily routine. This is going to alter my morning and afternoon a bit but I think everything will work out fine. I don’t mind having a schedule sometimes because most days the time is all my own. I have to make an appointment to bring the car in for service, too. I think I can have it towed down to the dealer on Saturday. Once the order is picked up today, I won't need the car for some days. I don’t care anyway. Staying home all the time is a way of life, believe me. Today will be different for a little while and I can deal with it.

The time is now 1122 and I took care of plenty of business already. After the drive, I topped off the air in the tires and then took off to pick up my order at the wine store. On the return trip, I cruised into the market for a few items – most notably some cream for my morning coffee – and then arrived home to unload the car and get into my daily routine. Now everything is finished and I have the next several hours to myself before heading back down the coast this afternoon. One other piece of business was to contact the dealer’s service department to make an appointment for my ailing vehicle. They informed me that they will pick up the car rather than me needing to call for a tow. Very nice. I am awaiting a call from them. The only other matter to which I wish to attend is cleaning out the other car prior to leaving for my drive south. Hopefully, the weather will warm a bit so I can spend time in the garage. For now, this computer is my place of residence. Naturally, I have a nice glass of whiskey to my right, just below the vampires.

There was a girl in the market with her adorable little baby sitting in the shopping cart. I walked through the produce department and glanced at the baby. She made me smile. The girl? Wow. I believe she hailed from somewhere south of the border with all of the requisite darkness on display. I will try to refrain from commenting upon her outfit, breasts or lines. Oops... I just did. She was stunning and smiling. Good God. Anyway, she brought the desperation back into my brain after I had enjoyed a break from that shit. There were no issues this morning because my free time did not begin until a few hours later, but believe me it is always in the background of life no matter what might occupy my mind. All that business helped, though. The fact that I am awaiting a phone call and have to take the drive this afternoon is also assisting my brain in maintaining uprightness. Not bad. I’ll have to put on a professional face when the truck arrives to carry my car to the dealer. I’m used to it.

1338. Lunch is out of the way and I went through the refrigerator a bit. I still have lots of time before the afternoon drive. I’d probably enjoy heading down there a lot more if I could take my own car, but alas it is in need of hospitalization.

0644 on Friday morning. Yesterday turned out to be very productive. I’d like today to match, as well. Without transportation (my choice this time), I need not worry about shopping or anything else. I can remain here all day and work in the office, bath and kitchen again. There will be ample time for me to relax here and gather my thoughts. Ah... Now the time in question has arrived. I see 0808 on the clock and the early business is finished. I have much to consider today, my usual routine, and then laundry and dry cleaning. I’d like to get the camera mount fixed, too. That machine offers quite the view when properly positioned, and after seeing the image the other day (before I hit the mount with the moving garage door, twice) I’d like to have a permanent setup upon which I can depend. Maybe while keeping an eye on the dry cleaning later I can work with it a little. Most of my time will be spent inside the house today. I’ll probably only be outside for the laundry work. I’d like to sit here for a long while this morning, too. I need it.

1101. Well then, I have the routine completely finished, laundry in both the washer and dryer, and I fixed the tub drain. I also super-cleaned the bathroom. Once the laundry is complete, I’ll tackle the dry cleaning. Aside from trying to rethink the kitchen storage, that will be all for today. I don’t really consider working in the office any real kind of ‘work’ because it is so comfortable. The third show has been following me through the house all morning, but now I’ve switched to the vampires since I have lunch in the oven and plan to be off my feet for a little while. The early morning was absolute shit, so whatever else I do today will be an improvement to my mood. I am fucking sick of feeling this way. At least working around the house feels good. Oh, and I have a good idea for the camera mount.

‘Retract... Your... Fangs... Now.’ Fantastic.

The morning was indicative of the fact that I cannot fully withdraw my desperate feelings. No matter what type of day I may begin to have – much like this very productive time – sometimes the desperation takes over my head and I become driven beyond sense. I don’t fucking like this shit at all and must change it somehow. I began to write about desperation a mere twelve days ago, and now my head is far beyond that point. Oh, I’ve written before regarding feeling desperate, yet those entries were not pointed toward such a word. Now they are. The titles reflect the many stages of this condition and will continue to do so until such time as I find real relief. Lorena has tears of blood running from her pretty eyes. She’s a monster, yet at times an endearing character. Hmm... An endearing monster. That’s different. Anyway, my desperation at this point in time is running rampant unless something with the power to command my attention comes along and allows me to forget everything for a while. That is rare, to be honest. I’ve seen very little in two days, yet the underlying memories cause me to fall at random times throughout any given day. I am so fucking sick and tired of this shit that I can’t even put the feeling into words. Maybe I should just swing the hammer all day, every day, and deal with the fallout. Nothing seems to make a lick of difference anymore.

‘Get the humans.’ I fucking love it.



21

The time is now 1325 and I have furthered my progress today. The sheets have been changed – although one of the cats continually jumped on the bed as I put everything together – the dry cleaning is near halfway finished, the laundry is finished, and I successfully rebuilt the camera mount so as to avoid any future garage door involvement. It is much more compact and securely clamped to the side rail of the door frame. The only unwanted movement will be anytime the door is in motion, but I may be able to minimize the vibration. The camera will only be in use when the door is fully open, though, so as long as the motion does not affect the clamps, it should be fine. God damn does Jessica have some fucking chiclets. Awesome. Anyway, the rest of the day is now wide open for whatever seems best, and that includes some relaxation. I have the vampires running on the right-hand display to keep me company. One more load of dry cleaning and my work out there is complete.

Well now, at 1428 everything is finished. I fired up the camera, too, and can view the live image on my left-hand display. Not bad. I suppose at some point I will transition out of the office and square away some things. I am still scratching my head about the pantry and storage ideas for the kitchen and dining room, though. Maybe if I put on the third show for comfort the ideas will flow better. For the time being, I am going to sit here with my other show and think a bit. The mass of issues that has driven this content for two weeks is idle right now for some reason. Perhaps all of the work around the house is helping. Due to my condition not flaring right now, I don’t have much to say here other than what is going on each day. I still want and need her, the other her, and a few additional dreams, yet something has held back what had become a tidal wave of desire. I have no clue as to what it is. I’m hoping to see the primary ‘her’ soon, and the sight will probably upend my thinking and send me into another tailspin. Whatever.

Fuckin’ intanet. Thanks, Tony.

I mentioned that I know a good portion of what harms my head so much sometimes. Unfortunately, I can’t state the reason within this content because once again everything is published. There is little doubt, however, that some of the reason is natural, especially considering that fateful essay from seventeen.

1602. I made a quick marinade for some chicken that will be either roasted or grilled this evening. I also spent a bit of time in the dining room organizing a few things. Afterward, I cleaned the kitchen again to make sure it will be ready for dinner time. While out there, I had the third show in the background. Now that I am back in the office for a little while, the vampires are again keeping me company. I may switch to music for a little while. All the work around the house today has brought a touch of pride to me. Nothing is very difficult, of course, yet if I don’t push, I will find the edge of the cliff and peer into the abyss. Oy, Maxine just berated and insulted Hoyt so badly that I can’t stand it. Well, during the current part of this series, she is under the influence of Dionysus. I’ll cut her a break. Where was I? Ah... The very straightforward work I perform each week. Yes, I do have quite the simple life here aside from some projects, but the truth is that much of the time I use the work to distract myself from all of the bad things in my head. There have been no visions or other problems for more than a day. My head pays no mind to the pause, however. It is always churning for one reason or another (or both). I need to keep in mind just how effective a busy household schedule can be. Sometimes when I help the house I help myself at the same time, although I need to remain mindful of the fact that there will be days when nothing has the power to alleviate the desperation. I believe it is permanent. At least I’ve been making improvements.

I don’t think there is anything else I can do to improve this day. The time is late enough to where my best option may be relaxation. Dinner should be a simple affair thanks to my earlier efforts, too.

0704 on Saturday morning. Coffee, cats fed, vampires, and very little else. Sometimes I have a million words to gush all over the screen, whereas mornings like this find me bereft of anything productive. Well, typing, anyway. I was very productive yesterday around the house and into the evening, yet fell off just after dinner due to not feeling my best. I don’t know what happened, though. We watched an episode of the same show we’ve been following for weeks and I began to see things better left alone. Nothing terrible, but I started to notice one of the actors from certain angles and the way she mimicked the girl from the dreams. The situation didn’t last very long, so I did finally relax, yet the underlying problem seemed to be that I was again searching for something on the screen, be it a principal character or someone in the background. Whatever the case, I don’t usually do that during the evening unless watching one of my favorite programs. Oh, and there were issues within the third show, as well. I couldn’t get away from one of the visions for quite some time.

I am not feeling quite so desperate this morning. The street has been idle of visions, the office has proven even more comfortable than I had originally hoped, and my work around the house is really beginning to pay off. This is the type of mellow period which comes along from time to time and allows me to rest my weary head. I’ve seen it before, most notably about a year ago when I realized that the situation here is stable. Some of the worry faded a bit in favor of larger concerns. Between Thanksgiving and the arrival of this machine, things had become far worse than I expected and I had been ill-equipped to handle so many different slams crammed into a very short period of time, the most troubling being the subject of the dreams and the girl on the street. The point is that for whatever reason, all that shit has cooled recently and I am a tad more comfortable than just three days ago. Well, I will say there was the realization up the page, but despite such a correlation being a hell of a discovery, the result when it fully sinks in will be more anger than I’ve thrown around in many years. I suppose all I can do during this cooled-off mood is go through the motions and try to embrace whatever comfort I am able, all the while continuing to improve the house. Uh oh, the stream just lost its clarity. Yikes. Fuckin’ intanet.

Sometimes I get so close to screaming on this keyboard that I feel excited and frightened at the same time. The power of my feelings is often nearly too much and pushes me straight to the living edge of the world. There is nothing I can do but fucking sit here and stow it, however. That one vision of her dressed the way I had dreamed was heavy and remained directly behind my eyes for days. I still can’t believe what I saw, nor can I believe that my hopes matched the suspicions of the form she possesses in reality. She looks so amazing sometimes that I just can’t fucking believe what I’ve seen. Damn. Again, part of me is yearning to loose the flood of words and finally get everything out there. And now I can return to the title once again. Here we go... I am absolutely desperate to confide in either a person or the screen. Desperation of a different type, right? Oh, believe me, the dire need is still there throughout every hour of every day, yet that part of me in need of unlocking is not going away, nor can I seem to alleviate the desperation. Something bad may happen as a result.

A second situation requiring my attention right now is not going to help. The other shit takes up so much of my time that I can barely get through to close of business some days without either heading back to the booze after lunch or becoming angry enough to lash out in some random direction. This shit came to a head last week and I nearly lost my mind for what may have been the last and final time. I am completely desperate for a pair of understanding, non-judgemental ears, if they even exist. I know I can’t really speak to another person, though, because the idea requires something in extremely short supply right now, and that is trust. I’d have to trust that I wouldn’t be judged or labeled in any way, and I honestly don’t believe such things are possible anymore, partly due to my disdain for people in general, and partly due to my own paranoia which was born of others’ being dishonest. Nice, huh? I really didn’t need more shit on the pile, and two disparate situations which share my weakness in common are about the worst I could have imagined. I’ll have to appreciate each second I have to myself because I am the only person I truly know and trust.



22

I opened the garage from here and put the camera feed on my left-hand display. During these mornings, there comes a point in time when the sun is aimed directly at my office window, so I have to close the blinds. Well, since the camera is all fixed now and in a good position, I can keep an eye on the front without blinding myself with bright sunshine. There is nothing to worry about out there, though. I just like the idea that I have a few things I can control from this chair. There are other things I need to control, as well, yet out of all the ideas, only one can be purchased. Don’t ask. My needs are so far out of balance right now that I wouldn’t even know where to fucking start. My garage monitoring and control system combined with the camera means I need not be concerned with what’s going on outside. On the inside? Too much going on.

0816. There goes the high definition again. Whatever.

I really hope that I see her again soon because withdrawals from such a drug are not fun. I sat here yesterday afternoon and stared at another woman through my field glasses for nearly seven minutes. I am a basket case. I wanted to see her face and had to wait because she was yammering into a phone while wearing a hat to keep her eyes shaded from the bright sunshine. I never really saw a clear image of her face, but I should honestly already know what she looks like, damn it. She brought her son here last Halloween to say hello and I gave him a bit of candy. The fact that she is my height, very slender and displays dark eyes and hair would typically add up to me retaining one hell of a picture in my mind, but not this time. Ugh. I suppose the larger issue is the fact that I actually sat here staring for all that time. This is not the behavior of a ‘well’ person. Not even close. I was desperate to see her eyes.

0902 is on the clock now. Last cup of coffee. I’ll have to get to my housework soon, beginning with the sheets from yesterday. I have a few things to straighten in my garage, too. The routine should not take very long. In and around whatever else I decide to accomplish today will be time spent right here in this chair. I’ve already created the sixth ‘desperation’ entry and have images edited for inclusion therein. Yes, the same model. Don’t ask why she has been pervasive lately. The reason is nowhere near a positive. Anyway, I might try to advance the kitchen storage a little just in case I decide to pull the trigger on two spice cabinets that can flank the stove. If I do end up installing them, the upper right cabinet above the counter will be mostly emptied, and that will in turn allow me to use the space as a pantry. I’d love to accomplish the entire project within the next few weeks because the dining room is driving me up the wall. On a completely unrelated note, I desperately need to see one of those two little goddesses very soon or I’m going to feel broken (further than I already do, that is). I need very badly to see one of them. This is not good.

I keep going back to her legs wrapped in those same fucking pants that have caused me years of torment and desperation. Yoga pants and leggings seem to be very popular these days, and I’ve been told that the reason is comfort. They are form-fitting unlike any others, and apparently the lack of anything loose really provides range of motion and warmth. I’ll have to simply accept that because I wouldn’t wear anything along those lines. I did attend a Halloween party many years ago dressed as Peter Pan complete with green leggings, but that was entirely different. Heh. The fact is the pants were likely a part of the beginning, to be honest, and I believe the reason is due to them showing off all of the lines. That’s natural, I suppose. Nothing is hidden by such tight, thin material. Well, I saw the subject from the damaging dreams wearing those pants below the beige sweatshirt and lost my shit. That was the day one shoulder popped out of the material and allowed me to see her chest moving along with the lines below. The sight was crippling, really. And then the second occasion just days ago when she was jogging and I missed absolutely nothing. My brain was scarred by the sight of her. And yes, the main reason is not my obsession with form, but the fact that I desperately want her in every conceivable way. One glimpse and my brain descends into a vat of physical desire the likes of which I can barely understand. I really need to speak about this issue. I am desperate to go over everything just to unlock my mental vault after nearly a year. There is so much hurtful information inside that the door is going to blow wide open and hurt me in the process. I’m already bleeding. Sad, too. Very fucking sad, to be sure.

The time has nearly arrived for me to work around the house a bit. I should get the hell away from this, anyway. If I sit here and think about things for too long, bad words are going to come off my fingers, and they will all be related to a subject I should be avoiding right now. My head is so fucked up during this current period that I am surprised to have not already let slip something damning. This is not easy sometimes, believe me. Oh, and no, I do not think I have ‘it’ worse than anyone else. The fact is I can only comment upon my own life, not that of another person. Leave that shit alone, please. This is my analysis of my problems, nothing more. My neighbor just took off on his Street Glide. Damn, is that ever a beautiful bike. Anyway...

This is just another mess in a string of messes lately. The vein shall continue because I am in so much pain that there can be no end to the words.

I hope I don't end up loving her.

Time for a drink."



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