January 16th, 2023 2:53pm pst

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.




Fracture

 read ( words)

"Thursday. My coffee is much better this morning thanks to having cream rather than just milk. The downside is that the Internet is still offline. I might move myself and the laptop into the living room after the morning business in order to minimize streaming on the phone. I am not concerned about usage, only the phone itself. For much of the morning, however, I am going to relax right here in the office and think about everything. At some point I will run some laundry since the weather is forecasted to be calmer for several hours. I also want to do more streamlining of the office and dining room. I’d like this room to be very organized since I’ll eventually have the new machine running and taking up more space. I believe I am still working tomorrow, meaning today must be comfortable. The time has come for the early business. Pause for the cause.

Here I am with cup of coffee number two and the rest of the day to myself. I had been thinking about options that could free my phone from being the main entertainment system. One idea was to tether the phone to this machine. Another possibility is to reconnect my old tablet to the cellular account because it already has a card. I don’t know how well any of these ideas may function, though, so I think the best course for the time being is to continue the way I have since Tuesday.

Some of the characters on this show remind me of a few musicians I’ve known or been otherwise associated with in the past, some through the bar and others elsewhere. The feelings regarding all of them are very tough to consider and have been on my mind lately due to running through this particular series twice in a row. There is nothing to worry about, really, yet I still find it hard to separate myself from past situations that caused all manner of trouble. As usual, I can’t spell it out or go into any level of detail. Just believe me when I say that I think about it often enough to find myself unable to fully relax, even while sitting in this office alone for hours. I am pretty certain that this type of concern is an aggregate of symptoms, from the long past situations that took away some of my strength to all those occasions when I thought everything had been just fine until eventually something shoved a dagger into my heart and created a fracture that cannot heal. Multiples of the last statement throughout years have cemented the definition of such a problem and left me unable to recover, and those people on either the television or stage are the reminders. In other words, the issue cannot leave me alone because I am aware of examples all day, every day.

0856. The last cup of coffee is next to me, and the phone is still streaming my show on the opposite side of this machine. There is no rain forecasted today, although several other systems will be making their way through this area during the next few days. I am hoping this break in the weather will allow for the network to be repaired because I am chomping at the bit to finish setting up the new computer. Plus, it would be nice to watch some decent programming once again in the living room during dinner. I have the DVD player connected to the distribution amplifier in order to enjoy some media the way I did prior to this outage. The downside is my collection of discs is limited to movies. I know this will eventually pass into history, but sitting here on the third day of such an issue is becoming annoying. I have yet to throw money at the situation, too. That is very good. I’d rather not make any changes that will have to be undone once the network is up and running. This kind of makes me miss living in the valley. All of the power and signal lines were underground due to the house being quite literally directly in the approach for the local airport. We did not lose power or anything else no matter how crazy the weather may have become. That was very nice.

1206. I have laundry halfway finished and the routine is out of the way. I’ll run the dry cleaning after the laundry comes out of the dryer. In the meantime, I decided to use my phone as a link between the new computer and the Internet in hopes of finishing the setup. Everything worked fine and I had the machine up and running in less than half an hour. I can move on to installing a few key applications that will be used daily for the site. There has been a roadblock regarding the FTP software because I am allowed just one license. Either I need to purchase another or deactivate the key to this laptop. The process will be much easier once the fucking network is restored. As overjoyed as I am to have the new powerhouse operational and ready to go, the outage is really pissing me off. My program is again gracing the phone while I work offline like the previous two days. At least I have some comfort in the office while other aspects of my routine are out of order. That is better than nothing. The idea of appreciating everything that brings me peace is important right now. As always, the situation could be much worse.

Sarah is one excellent whack job of a character.

I have the laundry finished and plan to delay the dry cleaning until the weekend. I can round out the loads better with more clothing. The new computer has been shut down due to frustration thanks to the fucking network outage. I figured today would be ideal for restoration, but alas I have no idea the extent of the damage. The power was critical since we share a block with the fire department. The network seems to be less important. After today, there are days of rain ahead, some with lots of wind. I fear that if it doesn’t come alive by close of business, we are out of luck until sometime next week. The timing, as I said already, is unreal. My cables for the other displays are due to arrive tomorrow. Everything could be up and running with lots of time for me to sit and get my applications in order as early as Saturday if the damned Internet is operational. This really sucks, but as I said before, things could be worse. I’ll be working in the kitchen later in order to further clean the shelves in the refrigerator. For now, I need to relax and stay off my feet for a while.

The current storm, power and Internet situation has successfully squashed my worry over the damaging dreams and other visions. I’ve been preoccupied with maintaining my environment and staying comfortable during the days and evenings; pretty much to the point of feeling there has not been time for me to explore the issues further. I am thankful for this. The quiet house and free time are also appreciated quite a bit right now. There is a strong possibility that I’ll be working tomorrow, too. That means I must remain mindful of this comfortable situation. I keep thinking of Rene and the doilies. He was so funny. Anyway, I know full well that at some point I’ll be hit with a dream or vision again. I know it. For the time being, though, the peaceful nature of those occurrences being on the back burner is nice. As such, I have two situations for which to be thankful today.

1440 is what I see on the clock. I did a little work in the kitchen and some general straightening around the house. I really wish the fucking network was active, though. The new machine is powerful and exciting, and I’d like to get everything in order. My show is still gracing the phone to keep me company. I’m thinking there are just two more items around the house that I’d like to address before close of business. I’m going to clean the bathroom and take care of the dry cleaning. The latter is not pressing and I figured I’d do it on the weekend, but since I have the time I may as well get it done. There are not many demands upon my time today. Lafayette is amazing from start to finish.

Now the bathroom is done and I fixed myself a snack to hold me until dinner. A little while ago I received notice that the Internet issue should be repaired by 1640 this afternoon. That is very good news considering I have much to do between this machine, the new desktop system and the network. I don’t think I’ve been this excited about anything in years. In addition, I’ve become curious as to how much data I’ve used streaming high definition video for nearly two days straight. The number could be huge. Well, I don’t care. I need my comfort and will always find a way to achieve it no matter the circumstances. I decided to postpone the dry cleaning again. I’d like the usage to be as efficient as possible in order to save money. That means the rest of the afternoon is going to be spent relaxing. Maybe I’ll clean the window in this office. Hmm.

Ok, I cleaned the window. I must say that the double-hung tilt-out windows are the absolute best in the world. I can stand in this room and clean both the inside and outside in a matter of minutes; no ladder, no going outside, no nothing. I freaking love these windows. Now the world is clear again. I just hope the next storm system doesn’t muddy my efforts. And with that project, I am finished for the day. I’ll sit here and follow along with my HBO friends and wait for dinner preparation time which is probably about two hours away. Very nice.



01

People with whom I have spoken cannot believe that I watch this program several times per year. The science fiction is apparently more my style according to them. I can’t argue that one, though. I love those stories and characters. The truth is I’ve grown into an overly sensitive person who would take issue with half the dialog and several characters if I did not watch alone. There are five other series’ which carry similar difficulties, as well. Watching alone means I do not have to watch other’s reactions and listen to commentary which all too often ends in very difficult, heated discussions. And then? I withdraw from making myself available to anyone outside the house. It’s a circle. My fractured nature still relates to a good portion of the content, however, despite my keeping everything to myself these days. At least I don’t have to answer for the way I feel or worry about being ridiculed. The fact that I’ve become so damaged and fractured by the way society views fictional media has had an enormous effect upon the way I look back at those people. And I really don’t know if I am willing to go further with this topic. The end result could be a combination of realizing I can’t change anything and a ton of anger. This crap is also the primary reason for me spending nearly all my time at home. I need not worry about any of it.

My previous control center in this office only felt comfortable on weekends because I was working full-time and often in very uncomfortable locations. Now that I am building a newer, more powerful system, to think that there are very few demands upon my time and work is entirely at my discretion, I believe this office is going to be far more comfortable and therapeutic than in the past. I think it’s time for a beer in the garage. Pause. Eh... Never mind. The temperature out there is low, plus the wind is still gusting quite a bit. I’ll stay in my office.

So, the network prediction has come and gone by roughly forty minutes. I don’t think giving customers a heads-up prior to having the issue resolved was a good idea. Now I’m sure people are looking every few minutes to see if it’s working. I’ll admit I’ve been glancing at some of the devices with network indication just to see, but in my case it is due to the powerhouse computer that I’m dying to set up. A big plus right now is that work for tomorrow has been canceled, meaning I’ll be here to receive the video cables and spend some quality time in the office. Work means cash, but to be honest, I’d rather stay home. The new computer has helped me get through this day with few issues, most notably the diffusion of dreams and visions. This is a good thing that I sincerely hope can carry me forward in better shape than the last several months.

0641 on Friday morning and I am off and running. This machine is now for adding content to the cloud or word processor for the time being, and the new machine is streaming my show. This is going to be a very positive morning. The new machine boots and operates so quickly that I almost can’t keep up. What a powerhouse. Twelve times the processing power of this computer, twice the random-access memory, and six times the graphics memory (it is capable of driving four displays). I believe the office is beyond concern for some years. I have my coffee and will need to take care of the morning business in a little while. Afterward? Oh, I’ll be working with the new machine on a single monitor until the cables arrive. That is fine. I have lots of software that needs to be installed and configured. Pause for the early business.

0825 and I am here for the duration, or at least until the coffee is gone. There are lots of details I need to work out in order to have the new machine ready for editing.

0952 is what I see on the clock now. I successfully completed the first steps on the new machine. I transferred all of the site materials and installed the IDE. The FTP software is another story, though. If I wish to keep the application on this machine, I may have to purchase another license. On the plus side, I am not accustomed to having a computer that is both current and far beyond my needs. The machine is wonderful. The time for housework is at hand. Pause.

1141. I finished my routine and am back in the office with a nice glass of whiskey. I have the show streaming on this machine (second display) so that I can work on updating the new one. There are lots of little details involved in initializing a fresh operating system. The license for the FTP client is becoming a problem, too. I followed instructions to deactivate the license on this computer and then activate the program on the new machine, but it did not work. There was an error regarding an information mismatch. I don’t understand. Worst case, I will purchase another perpetual license for a fresh start. That may be the best idea, as well, because I’d like to retain the ability to communicate with the web server from this laptop while being able to do the same with the powerhouse.

Wow. Just... Wow. The new machine (I will now refer to it as the main) is halfway set up for operating my control center. I ended up purchasing a second license for the FTP client in order to retain connectivity on this computer just in case I wish to edit and publish elsewhere in the house or, more importantly, if I am to venture outside the home and wish the editing ability to follow. I have carried the laptop to the mountains and on a trip to southern California in the past. That means I must ensure the software is capable of everything I need. Right now I have the cloud, FTP client and editor spread between this display and the second, and the show is streaming to my right on the new machine. This configuration is a mere glimpse into the control center as it will be when the third display arrives. To say that I am pleased with this office right now is a vast understatement. Overjoyed is more like it. Leave it to me to install a third fucking display for the sole purpose of streaming media. Heh.

God damn I love this show. Difficult? Yes, at times. Entertaining? Oh, hell yes. They are my friends.

The rain has ceased for a few hours, likely to return this evening after dark. This morning it was fucking dumping for a while and I realized why I have one downspout dry while the other was flowing like crazy. Apparently, when I modified the back rain gutters, the water began to flow through the downspout behind the garage in favor of the front. That means I have no worries as to the drainage. Believe me, the water flow was insane. The gutters from the back of the garage all the way around past the front door are connected, and the water seems to have found the path of least resistance. Holy God is Daphne ever cute sometimes, all the evil notwithstanding. Her hip-to-waist ratio is very rare. Anyway, I’ll probably continue to vacillate over image editing software and the music application for a while before changing anything on the main. I’d like to acquire and learn about an open-source alternative to Photoshop since my version is very old and beyond support. Anything newer is based upon a subscription, meaning far beyond my needs and way too expensive. There will be a learning curve involved with a new application, but I have plenty of time.

My office is continuing to minimize all of the difficulty and turmoil over dreams, visions and my ever-increasing obsession with the female form. This entire day has found me completely productive and preoccupied with the computers and my office once again turning into the center of the universe.

I am really glad this keyboard warms while running on line voltage. Something has to keep my hands warm during this weather.

Right now I have the browser window open on the laptop display (it seems very small now with two twenty-seven inch monitors flanking it), the FTP client and editor on the left display, and the show streaming on the right display via the new computer. This is wonderful. Bad things are happening within this episode but nothing can dissuade my joy in everything being up and running. The visions and such have been on hold since yesterday. Moreover, I found an old game from the nineties which has been made compatible with the newest operating systems. It is ordered and should be here by my birthday. That may sound silly, too. Honestly, some of the best games are from that era when I built my first computer system. And yes, that was during the era of wonder... The big electronics stores, the excitement of everything being new, and the future appearing wide-open. This office is a reminder of that era. To a point, anyway. I’ll fucking take it.





1558. The display port cables arrived. That means both monitors are now operating off the new machine and the laptop is off. The displays are extended, so I have the browser and editor in front of me and the show streaming to the right. When the third display arrives, I’ll have to really think about the desk and ensure I can view everything efficiently without any strain. Right now, both displays are ideally spaced. Moreover, I am able to use the new keyboard which is arguably the most comfortable, flexible input device on the market. I am not kidding, either. I used to have a K750 while living in the cage because it was wireless and flat. This is a 740 and much more difficult to find on the open market. It cost me a pretty penny, believe me. But I don’t care. I needed this control center back in operation and knew it in October. It is more important to me now than even the previous system which came apart more than four years ago. This is wonderful, and I only have two big monitors for the next month and a half. Heh.

No more work will be accomplished today because I am completely head over heels for this office and will remain here until the time arrives for dinner preparations. That is in less than an hour.

I still have to secure a few things for this setup and go through some settings, but for the time being, everything is running smoothly. Well, considering the power of the computer, I am not really taxing resources very much. I believe this configuration is for current gaming requirements, but the only games I’ll be playing are from more than two decades back in time. That is funny. I just wanted something beyond my needs so it will last years.

Damn. Another Ashley, and one I have not thought about for months. Holy crap, I remember going on and on about her appearance some time ago. Ah, shit... Now Bailey is up there in all her splendor, chiclets and thighs aplenty. I have to control myself in order to continue this entry without falling off a cliff. Ashley is plenty, believe me. But Bailey? She is another universe entirely, mostly due to her connection to the subject of those fucking damaging dreams. Jesus fucking God damn in a warm bra cup does Ashley have some unbelievable breasts. I would love to see them freed of clothing, but the actor likely stipulated she would not perform the role with nudity. Oh, God, though. Stunning. And there is another aspect of her physical appearance that aligns ideally with the obsession. Whatever. She is not real. The most amazing aspects of life rarely are. Those two have combined as the very definition of my ongoing and increasing obsession. Fuck. Good thing I have this renewed interest in the control center and the feelings attached to being in here otherwise I’d be falling fast.

That was a close one. All better now. It will return eventually.

Building this empire has me looking at other aspects of the office and different rooms due to wishing for everything in good order. I tried to streamline and simplify this space so the displays would fit nicely, as well as ensuring that sitting at the table would not feel cluttered. The other table is very intrusive but must stay in this room. The only other option would be the garage, and that drafting table would suffer from both the humility and salinity like many other items out there. I am very protective of that drafting table, so it stays. I can keep this room organized every day because I consider it payment for being able to build this empire again. Well, a bigger empire, actually.

0620 on Saturday. This is the first occasion of my early morning in front of the new machine with coffee and the show. I was awakened just before the alarm time by wind. I believe the gusts prior to six were the strongest I’ve heard since living in this house. Unreal. I became concerned about the tree in the front yard, and once that took place there was no going back to sleep. I am sitting with the wired MDRs on my head, the furnace is running, yet I can still hear the wind and rain outside. This storm is crazy. I looked at the radar and it seems everything should calm in two hours or so. I’ll have to take a little turn around the town once the light comes up. That was a lot of fucking wind.

Today will be the first full day since building this renewed empire and I intend to spend much time right here in the office. The comfort related to knowing I have my control center back is overwhelming. I really like this setup and what I’ve built here. This keyboard will require some time, though. I was accustomed to the laptop keyboard and the feeling of it. I’m sure after a few days of typing on this machine it will feel like old hat. No worries.

I am beginning to feel annoyed when I see Anna on the screen. Well, sometimes. Other moments? She is just fine. I never gushed about her because the look she carries on the show is not attractive to me aside from some of the costuming. She does wear the occasional very beautiful dresses. As for the rest? Some of my friends were completely nuts about her but I never was, honestly. Not even remotely close to my ‘type’. Holy shit do I ever love this computer.

This day will be mostly relaxing once the routine is finished. I’ll be spending some time here to install and familiarize myself with the photo software, too. And the game is on just after lunch time, meaning those three-plus hours are reserved. I will probably need to look around outside for a while just in case my little underground river is flowing too much. I wish it was funny. I still can’t believe I have to wait nearly a month and a half for the third display. That just sucks. Hmm. Perhaps I should be happy with these two for the time being. Just a few months ago I had no desktop computer at all. Now I have the control center of the universe.

Holy shit, this weather is nuts. The fucking rain is rolling across the neighborhood in sheets at high speed. Lots of heavy rain rather than that piddly shit we sometimes get when the news states there is a storm coming. This is the real thing. I’ll have to get out there soon to take a look. I like to have the big garage door open during a storm so long as the wind doesn’t force rain inside. There is enough coffee left for one more cup, so I guess I’ll open the empire and check out the condition of everything. The backyard is already a lake, damned-near stretching from one fence to the other. I have to fill the bird feeder today, too. That will need to be accomplished later today or I may sink into the soil when stepping from the concrete. Heh.

0757. My last cup of coffee. I went to the garage and opened the big door to check out the area. Yikes, the rain and wind are crazy right now. My neighbor across the street lost his gate to the gusts. It looks to have pulled from the side of his garage and is hanging at an angle. Too much more wind could slam it to the ground. Wow. Our fences seem to be fine right now, thank the maker. Some years ago our gate was pulled off the hinges and I had to do an expedient repair one weekend. It looks fine now, perhaps due to me throwing the latch after I was told there had been a shady character on the street. That was just after Christmas. The wind seems to be going in circles this morning, too. One minute I see the sheets of rain flowing toward the west, and a moment later they swing to the east. I am glad I’ll be home all day because I need to keep an eye on the house and yards.

The topic has been lost due to the computer and weather since the power outage earlier this week. That is fine, I suppose, because the control center is nearly complete and I’ll be spending much more time here as opposed to the old method involving the laptop and sofa during the mornings. I really enjoy being able to see out the window from here rather than out the back of the house from the living room. I need not worry about anyone approaching the house unseen.



03

Um... The topic again. Fracture. I guess I’ll have to get back to that shit once this weather improves and I can relax a bit more to think clearly. I may not like the subject matter, but as I always say, exploration is key and there can never be enough.

I finished installing the image manipulation software and ran a quick test by resizing one photo for this entry. I’ll have to work with it more in order to become fluent with the interface. It is quite different from Photoshop in many ways, but time will help me utilize the program more efficiently. The software is free, as well, and fully supported. As I said before, I don’t want a ton of stuff cluttering up this new machine. That just causes problems and forces me to manipulate the storage too often.

I am beginning to feel the draw of her again. The visions never go away, nor can I push them out of my head most of the time. The weather situation and issues it caused since early this week helped to distract me, and then this machine arrived right in the middle of everything. In the beginning, I had to tether the phone as a connection just to finish setting up the computer the other day. Now I have everything in order between the table, displays, and software, meaning the difficulty which followed me through each step of every day is starting to return. I knew the pause would fade, too. It was just a matter of time. This control center is compelling – especially getting everything set up and running smoothly – but once I can relax and write, nothing will keep her out of my head. The fractures continue to plague me and I am still hesitant to go too much further with such ideas. Bill just twisted Lorena’s head halfway around. This program is so unreal that I don’t even know where to fucking begin. Anyway, I have lots to deal with today. One positive is the game, another being my typical late-morning routine. I’ll be pouring a fat cocktail very soon and dreaming of her impossible lines as I begin the housework. Once I begin to sip the whiskey, words will begin to flow like a two-bit whore.

I am going to have to capture an image of Janice and include it here. God damn, but that woman is beautiful.

I fucking love this computer and its capabilities. Fantastic.

Sunday morning, early. I have the show, the coffee, and the MDRs. Big surprise. This office is infinitely more comfortable than the sofa, yet I do not feel that I’ll be spending that much more time here than I did in the living room. It’s just the idea that the machine is much more flexible and powerful, plus sitting at the table with a good chair is better for my back. Today will be much like yesterday because I have lots of free time aside from the routine and my garbage work. None of that stuff will take very long, either, and I am glad because there are a few more games I’d like to watch later. Yesterday was not terribly productive, but that was mostly due to my game being on right in the middle of the day. That made me not want to do anything else after it was over. I can’t have that type of thing today. There will be plenty of time for sitting here in the office or to work with other endeavors today regardless of the football in the background.

I switched off the show in favor of the morning news so I can keep an eye on the weather for the next several days. I need to remain informed just in case we get slammed again. The rain gutters have been just fine for the last few days, but that is not to say problems will not arise. One of them (in the front) needs to be rerouted from draining on the lawn to running down the driveway like the other two. That is a direct path to the street. The issue will require me shoveling a path through the area where the big hedge once resided. No big deal. The backyard drainage is impossible right now. Aside from using a pump to get the water to the front yard, there is pretty much nothing I can do except wait out the storm. I’ll probably be out there looking around again in case I think of a way to alleviate the standing water. As of yet, I have not come up with anything helpful except reconfiguring the downspouts.

My head is beginning to go sideways this morning. All I did was change out of my pajamas and refill the coffee. Something that happened during the night is stuck in my head and I can’t define it or see clearly. The memories and details are as muddy as the yards. I don’t know what is going to happen, either. I recall becoming quite upset yesterday and being forced to squash the issues in favor of maintaining the day in a calm and collected manner. Well, things like that only serve to anger me more and cause all sorts of daydreams, many worse than those I have experienced while sleeping. The anger and discomfort I’ve been feeling is cumulative, yet I can still push it back when keeping my head up is more important. This computer, for example, had me in a very different mood and helped to improve the way I had been viewing the world for quite a while. Right now, I am seeing the connection between the periods of fifteen and seventeen and the present. The office is a good portion of being reminded that I am not on a positive path and may never find one. This sideways condition is likely to remain in the background of whatever I try to accomplish today. Some thoughts are in line with my usual housework while others are heading in directions I can’t spell out here. The time is now 0748 and I have a second cup of coffee. There are images and details from the past attempting to derail me this morning. And one more time, no relief from anger is available, nor is anyone fucking listening. I sincerely hope this doesn’t go bad today. I have things which I am looking forward to and don’t want the cart to be upset right now. I fear the feelings will take over regardless of my efforts.

Thirty minutes later and I am back in the same fucked up bowl of soup in which I swam prior to this wonderful machine arriving and being set up. Damn it. The dreams and memories are trying to get the best of me and sometimes there is nothing I can do about them. I will keep trying.

The weather is calm right now. More rain is coming, however, so I’ll have to keep an eye on everything for the next few days. I wish someone could keep an eye on my condition. Alas, there are few positives on my horizon, and the lion’s share of them are minuscule. I don’t know how I made it this far after realizing many months ago that my life has been reduced to a pair of rails framed by a pair of lines. No, not those lines. There can be no connection with them anymore. I certainly hope I appreciated enough being in the fold of beauty during those periods. Anger is building once again. Stating that I do not like this situation is never enough, but all I have left are words.

I am running out of words, though. Splendid. At least reusing too many, for sure.

0856. This day had better turn out to be pretty fucking satisfying because the dreams and visions are plaguing me right now. I am sipping my last cup of coffee, the show is on the right-hand display, and I have things to do in a little while, not the least of which is to consume a big glass of whiskey during the mid-morning. I am having so much trouble moving forward like a real grown-up type of person because of being overpowered by impossible situations and the realization that my life is fucking tiny right now. Oh, I feel like the commander of the universe while sitting here, yet the truth is I’ve been deluding myself with the site and media in order to deal with feeling so angry depressed, and believe me... I am pretty fucking pissed off right now.

Monday morning. I am anticipating a repeat of yesterday because my anger and frustration never subsided. Not a bit. It carried on through the entire day and only became diluted while I was watching one of the three football games. Even then, I mean... I saw lines on two occasions and the sight brought everything back and dropped my mood through the floor. All of it had been fading as the day went by because I took care of my routine and the garbage while the first game was on. I felt comfortable doing the work and setting up my time to be cozy for the sports. It took over an hour for me to calm myself and extricate the dreams from my head after the early morning, only to see it all come back each time I took a break due to those beautiful lines. I will have to work hard this morning if I am to remain on track. I don’t like this one bit.



04

The reminders continue to pop up, sometimes when I least expect them. That was the first time I can remember something like that taking place during a pro football game. Not just the vision of her on the screen, but the entire affair slamming me in the head and effectively removing my concern over the sport, which normally is very important to my way of life this time of year. Everything went away and I began to lose track of the game process. The morning issues returned to my psyche and the mood waned badly. I had to force myself to appear upright. Such effort is exhausting. Believe me, this entire situation is worsening by the day. When the comfort and simplicity of taking care of the kitchen during the mid-morning becomes rather difficult and uncomfortable, my whole world is at grave risk. This office helps, of course, however there is too much power inherent within the issues and I am nearly helpless to guard against it at times. The morning was very disconcerting and I almost fell completely off the edge. Over and over the imagery floated through me and I could not stop the Rolodex from turning, eventually being forced to open the garage and move out there to cool my jets. The visions still did not leave but the weather was very cool and it helped a bit. I came back inside to face that shit a second time and then finally began to work around the house with the MDRs following me at each step. I am fucking tired of feeling this way.

I’m sure today will be as difficult as yesterday once something comes along to remind me of one or more situations from the past (those which cannot return in this life). I will probably do the usual moving around and taking care of whatever seems most pressing, eventually falling into the routine, and all the while my head will be in a continuous fight with the past. I’ve been there so many times that I do not care to recall them. The whole thing is embarrassing, actually, yet it is a part of me regardless of the effects. As I work at whatever seems best today, I’ll have to remember that tomorrow will arrive and the possibilities may follow. MAY follow; that is key, but I will move in such a direction regardless.

0907. I have the house to myself for a few hours so I decided to sit here for a while before doing any housework. I had to suffer through seeing Molly and her fucking unbelievable cuteness for a little while prior to switching back to my current series. And when I say suffer, I mean a lot. That girl makes me dream of all sorts of deviant situations, none of which can be possible in the real world. She doesn’t help me get through the morning, but none of that is her fault. She is a person. I am a basket case. My needs are no one’s responsibility. Well, no one who is still living, anyway. If I am having trouble, the universe is both at fault and not. Read that one three times.

For whatever reason, the cellular network is inoperative right now. The phones began to indicate ‘sos’, meaning only emergency services can be reached until the carrier signal returns. The timing could not be worse, for sure. I hope it returns soon. The main issue with the carrier being fucked up is the fact that I can’t contact anyone to ask how wide the outage may be. It’s a circle... Something I know intimately.

Oh, Molly. Why did I have to see you on the television? Now I can’t get her tenderness out of my fucking brain. Splendid.

Ooh-fa... I received an email stating that the cellular service disruption will take twelve to fourteen hours to restore. Yikes. Thank goodness the Internet is unaffected. I need the connection in order to be comfortable in this house. The time is now 0937 and I have yet to begin any housework due to my brain being absolutely saturated by imagery and the recent visions right in front of my desperate eyes. Everywhere I look is either a memory or other issue tattooed on the surface of any objects. I am going to have to push hard to get through this morning. All this difficulty is going to force me to pour a nice, icy glass of depressant so I can sit here and lament everything that is missing. Believe it or not, as long as the wireless connection remains functional, I really don’t give half a shit about the cellular network. The fish I am currently frying is fucking huge and nothing has the ability to affect it. Well, if both the network and wireless connections go bad, I’ll be in some real pretty shit. No media in the background? God forbid.

I never use the word ‘skinny’ when referring to a woman. ‘Slender’, or ‘thin’ is much better. ‘Skinny’ comes across as far too derogatory. I cannot be derogatory toward a woman. I make all sorts of comments about physical features or the insanity inside my head because of them, but I don’t believe I’ve been insulting in any way. If I have, send an email to someone who may give a shit. Good luck with that. I am a good person.

The morning moves along sans fracture. Between the dreams and all of the issues caused by the recent storms, I can’t get back to that line of thinking. Moreover, I have been spending most of my time completely alone, meaning anything that would normally bother me has been on the back burner. I don’t have to worry about what people are thinking or saying if I remain in this little house. Wow, the sun is actually shining right now. I almost forgot its appearance. Holly is one of my least favorite characters, but she does serve to make the others seem closer to ‘normal’. Heh. Anyway, I poured a cocktail which is going to sit and ferment for a while before I hit the routine. Helpful or not, I need it. Some of that mindset goes all the way back to growing up in a very adult atmosphere and yearning to be one of them rather than a child. There you go. That probably explains much.

I can’t wait to get the third display up and running on the left side of this table. Holy crap, that’s going to be fantastic. I need to streamline this office more than I already have in order to avoid the room appearing cluttered.

The fracture will return to this content at some point. When? I have no idea, but there will be a flare and I’ll respond accordingly. I have become too sensitive for life within this fucking society. How did this happen? There exists a plethora of reasons. If you haven’t gleaned some of them by now, give up. I’m not going to spell it out. There are few individuals living who are worth my fucking time.

I am still picturing Molly on all fours. Shoot me. Oh, God... Violins on the show again. They are never good.

Do you remember the neon sign I purchased last year? The vampire sign? Well, if you do, you may also recall that it was broken by my neighbor. That was my fault because I displayed it in a vulnerable location and did not finish the job by protecting the outside edges. Anyway, I recently plowed through the second season of this series and noticed that the actual prop that hung in the bar is vastly more complex and colorful. Such a fact is not surprising, I suppose, considering the mass of money spent making this production as beautiful as it is, yet I still want the sign in my house. If I can capture a nice, clear image from the computer, I can learn of the cost involved in having a custom sign manufactured. I’m sure it will garner a pretty penny and I don’t care. I want the thing, and when it comes to certain aspects of this house and my interests, I generally get what I want. I’ll have to look back at the episode in question when the mood strikes. I will include an image here for posterity.

Holy Jesus, Jessica just flew across the parking lot, picked up a pit bull and threw it into the forest in the space of less than three seconds. God damn, what I wouldn’t give for that kind of power. Ugh.

Violins of tension now. They are much better than the romance type. Heh.

End of line."



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