January 11th, 2023 3:46pm pst If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Nth Obsession read ( words) "1130. My usual morning routine is finished. The requisite glass of depressant is next to me, naturally. Arliss Howard is on the screen right now. He is absolutely awesome. Something bad happened and tore my heart into pieces. It’s happened before, too, but I didn’t really put much stock into the incident because I was not paying attention to the bigger picture. Now I am, and the depression is worse than ever. Between this morning, the fact that I believe I found ‘her’ and the fucking damaging dreams being right before my eyes (not to mention the toll on my brain), I do not believe there can ever be any type of recovery. There will be no ‘up’ anymore, only ‘down’. I’d say that I am falling from grace, but that word has never applied to me. I may have to switch to science fiction soon because this show is not helping me feel balanced. The truth is this story can be very depressing even though the end is pretty damned happy. Ugh. 1203 and I have yet to have lunch because I am becoming angry. The second cocktail is a possibility, for all the damage it can cause. Maybe I should venture over the hill to the big wine store to distract this line of thinking and help my head shove the dreams away. I thought my back was going to be an issue today, but the truth is the situation from yesterday is much worse. I can’t even comment about this morning. I wish that first dream had never occurred. This is the worst fucking mindset I’ve experienced in a very long time. All this shit and I will still not state that any of it is unfair. I will say that I’ve never been so fucking pissed off. Maybe that’s better than just rolling over and remaining quiet. I don’t know. Should I swing the hammer? I don’t know the answer to that question, either. One thing? I am sure glad I did all of the laundry yesterday because right now I am in the opposite mood... Destruction, not productivity. The world can thank fucking God that I am powerless to do anything more dramatic. Jesus fucking hell God damn shit am I ever fucked up over that girl. I need what I need and I want what I want, and remember that I did not do this to myself. Hammer swing time. 1601. I spent a few hours in the garage with loud music and a project. There has been a latent piece of plastic languishing out there for years, one that had been mounted on a slot machine in the seventies to display payouts. I finally built a box to hold it with lighting inside and mounted it to the right-side cabinet door next to the two memories of my dad’s career during the glow. Saturday morning at 0658. I believe we have some weather today. There are chiclets on the television again after so many months of other programming. I now realize that my feelings for the character have ramped up to the nth degree due to the influence of the damaging dreams. Yes, they relate to the character. I can’t state the reasons, however, because of possible backlash. Right now I don’t have to worry about it because all of the content has been made unavailable, but I can’t state with any certainty that it will not return. Shit... There she is again. Wow. Bailey was incredibly beautiful during the sixth and seventh seasons of this show, although this is the first occasion of me connecting her to the subject of those dreams. The relationship between aspects of those two girls is not something I can discuss here, however. Just understand that Bailey’s adorable chiclets has driven my head further into the black. 1132. The routine is finished and I went to two stores for some staples and items for dinner tonight. Now I have some quiet time to sit here and blather about whatever comes to mind, or perhaps the fucking obsession which continues to take its toll on my brain. Even after nearly twenty years, the sight of certain physical traits pulls me away from whatever I may be doing no matter how important the activity. You have seen the results with my gushing endlessly about the dreams and their ongoing effects. The fact is the obsession flared back in fifteen so badly that I very nearly lost my mind. Not to mention my job; home; everything. However I came out the other side of that situation, I still appreciate it. That is a major positive because I actually learned to sit still and maintain this semblance of a lifestyle rather than trying to run after a wondrous draw. I know in advance that the situation will go south, so I just sit here and dream about whatever the latest interest is and why. I mentioned Bailey up the page because the lines appeared a few times in the past and drove me insane, so much so that I wanted to go find lines that I could see up close, like the gray pants on the boulevard. They related to Bailey’s appearance quite a bit, yet inside my head was a massive red line that kept me in the car and making tracks for home. That is when the pain began. I yearned to see her lines up close. I yearned so badly that for several seconds I had to regain my mental composure in order to go two more blocks to my driveway. I can still see her gait because I am insane over her appearance and still don’t know why. And now there is Bailey again in a pair or jeans. The damaging dreams, Bailey’s character and the girl in the gray pants all have a few traits in common, and as much as I would like those traits to be a part of the reason I am so crazy over this, the truth is they did not exist in my head decades ago when this obsession began to develop. I did not see everything in a similar light, either, but I don’t think enough of the root situation has changed to explain why. All I know is that the pain inside over seeing something like the girl in the gray pants leaves me depressed and nearly suicidal more often than not. 0658 on Sunday morning. Oh, yesterday is in the past but it needs to be pushed further back. I went to the yearly gathering over the hill due to being talked into it and had a nice time. Upon returning, the relaxation set in and I eventually made some nice dinner. Those are the upsides. The other part of the day is something I should not mention, so I will simply state that it angered me and even all these hours later I can’t seem to relieve the feelings. Today is going to be very nice with the football game, my quiet hours and some of my favorite foods. I’ll have to fully embrace everything in order to help yesterday’s shit to disappear as much as possible. I don’t want to end up in a bad mood again due to external stimuli. I already have enough reasons to be pissed off all the time without anyone adding more explosives to the top of the pile. This must be a day in which I rise from yesterday’s shit and move forward in whatever manner feels best. I have my usual things to do, plus the garbage and football game. Hopefully, those are enough. This office is going to be amazing (already is, in some ways). My control center of the past, but expanded. I received word yesterday that the machine has already shipped, and that after being informed that the date of completion would be more than a week out. This is excellent. Unfortunately, the third display is not scheduled to arrive until the beginning of March. I’m glad there are already two on the table or I’d have a much more difficult time waiting. Everything else is in place, too. This space is going to be similar to what it was to me in fifteen when shit went really sideways and I was in pain much of the time. Between work and the obsession, I had been in a pretty bad fucking mood for a long time. Throw failing, foiled, failed fantasy (however it should be categorized at this point) and the office became the only place where I could deeply explore or simply lash out. No one wanted to be near this room when I was angry, believe me, and I plan to develop such a mood again should the need arise. I have the same speaker system and better displays, not to mention the new computer itself being much more powerful than the one I am operating right now. My sanctuary shall return soon. I am already in a shitty mood this morning. Yesterday was just too much. Nothing of the sort will be allowed to continue because I’ve had enough, honestly. More anger is going to gum up the works of my plans for later. Even though I was mostly derailed for a few hours yesterday, I still cared for everything necessary for my peace of mind. Today? I can go a bit further and try to keep the explosive temper reined in. I have to hold it close and dream of niceties. Thoughts of the past – as in my descriptions of the forest-type of mindset and thinking or the idea of breaking away from the herd – always come to mind when my mood is negative, much like this morning. They relate to the old office setup more than any other aspect of this house, too. When I first sat here more than a week ago, all of those years of gazing out the east-facing glass door from on high returned almost instantly. This is the longest I’ve lived in any single location, and those years of being on the third floor are still prevalent. Negative thinking and harsh opinions pervaded my mind during that time for more reasons than I would care to tally right now. I still carry much of the same, yet the last year (believe it or not) has shown me something worse than a healthy and decades-long hatred for the mass of society. It has driven my head toward the obsession and away from the searing words of my time on the third floor. Driving by that girl the other day made me sad and angry, desperate and full of desire. I needed to see so badly that my eyes darted all over the place before I was able to clear my head enough for the short drive the rest of the way home. Thank Christ I was only two blocks from here. I wanted to see her more than anything in the world. And I mean ANYTHING. I actually wanted much more than that, but going further from the lines and into other territory is no longer necessary here. There is a powerful reason for my need to go further. It is due to ‘knowing’ that the lines are in there and they align with my brain’s need to map everything, plus the idea of the failed fantasy and everything therein being possible again at the same time. I am not going to make this description easy, either. Live with it. What I need is often stated as impossible because I’ve connected two dreams on a few occasions in the past but have recently learned that there is nothing in existence more powerful or more capable of calming the cyclone of desire in my head. Or? Eliminating the storm entirely. All that shit went through my head when I saw her gait. All of it. The ones on the television are vastly different due to being both fictional and somewhat ‘unreal’. Right before my eyes is another story. Everything seems possible for a split second until I realize it is not, and then the shit sets in and destroys my day. The obsession has superseded the hatred. This is not good by any means, but it will not go away no matter what I do. This office is going to be wondrous. The girl on the street and Bailey’s character both relate to the other one... The subject of the dreams. I am going to have a tough time keeping my head away from that fucking vision the other day. No, not the gray pants, the one closer to my eyes. I still can’t believe what I saw. The gray pants only worsened the storm and forced me to fight my way back to a normal day. The relationship between all three is not something I can reveal here, but suffice to say such a connection is perfectly natural, even understandable. And yes, I am prepared for the possibility that I’ve become so twisted that what may seem understandable to me is far from typical societal standards and morals. Nothing surprises me anymore, not even the realization that I have steadily worsened over the years. God damn, what I would give to see everything. Well, everything. I am completely fucked up. This direction must change or today will end up like yesterday. What a galactic waste of time it was. I simply can’t have that shit again. 0839 means the last cup of coffee is next to me. The show is still running on the second display but I am not paying that much attention due to my head being all sideways over the obsession and the failed (used to be failing) fantasy. There are other reasons, but again... I can’t say. The game begins in less than an hour, meaning I’ll have to leave the office and do some housework very soon, likely once my coffee is gone. God damn it, there she is again. I have so many needs right now that I don’t even know where to begin. Ugh. Hopefully, the housework will help my mind relax. The idiot townspeople finally gained access to the guns, but because they were stupid, much of the ammunition was blown away prior to leaving the police station. Dumb fucks. Whatever. The writing for seasons six and seven is questionable at best. I don’t enjoy feeling this way, all full of turmoil and discomfort. The mood occurs every few days or so and leaves me feeling as if nothing is worthwhile anymore and the only way to cease the difficulty is to permanently remove it. Such thinking is dire and about as bad as it gets. I’ll have to push pretty fucking hard to keep my brain out of the black today. Yesterday definitely angered me despite the many distractions (there was even a woman at the event dressed as a barmaid from the eighteen hundreds with one of the shortest dresses ever, plus lines all over her thighs) and I do not want a repeat. The game will help, as will the typical Sunday business. There is one major positive that I need to keep in mind, as well. That is the idea that the beginning of the year used to be very depressing and dark, whereas now that I do not need to work, the period has improved markedly in my head. Being home these days is a huge plus as long as I can remain mindful of such an advantage. The turmoil combined with full-time work was really troubling, even more than these mornings. I can’t do much about the discomfort, though. It is physiological and permanent. And? Everything is related. Oh, mama... This girl on the screen who first appears in the sixth season... God damn, what an alluring, gorgeous example of the obsession. She looks different to me now than a few years ago. Just another supporting fact that the obsession has spiraled out of control during the last year. Well, since the first damaging dream last May, anyway. I am going insane. The two batteries in this laptop have been cycled for more than five years and their life is waning. Believe it or not, when I first received this machine, a full charge meant more than twenty hours of life. Now? The duration before it needs to be plugged in has been reduced to six hours or so. The desktop computer could not be coming at a better time. I am thankful. 0942. The coffee is gone and the vampires remain. I’ll be into the housework very soon. And the sun is actually shining this morning. I believe this break in the rain will be short-lived, however. I am looking forward to caring for the house during the game because being here can be comforting even when I have to shove the obsession and all related aspects to the rear. Part of the problem is the past. There are so many memories of situations that seemed unreal at the time, and now they appear as nothing more than fictional aspects of a life I never achieved. Such a fact weighs upon my head each day and makes even the simplest task seem overwhelming. My head is very sideways this morning for reasons I cannot go into right now. Some of them have been driven by the obsession while others have come about since the first dream last year. I can’t stop seeing those dreams, nor have I been able to extricate the visions from Christmas weekend and shortly thereafter. Those two sights have filled me with more desire than I had ever thought possible. Not good. Not only is no one listening, but there is also not a fucking thing I can do to ease this condition. Nothing... The word of my life. I want her more than I care to admit. That is fucking sad. 1154 on the same day, Sunday. I have the routine finished and some of the garbage, as well. I’ve been sneezing due to something that got to my nose, so I’m not going to have any of my favorite foods until it dissipates. No sense of taste equals no eating. But... Drinking? Oh, I’m already an hour into the booze. I need the edge removed via alcohol because otherwise I will do nothing more than sit here and obsess over the girl in the gray pants, the other girl, and the whole of my thinking. Watching this show in the past, I did not think much of Willa outside the scope of her character arc, but right now I would give everything to slather her tenderness with my tongue. Hours of it. Nice. Marvelous. Splendid. Anyway, my happiness has been ripped to shreds, burned to ash, and then buried with the dead. I am so pissed off right now that the rest of the day had better be pretty fucking satisfying. Ugh. I hate this shit. Devil may care? I don’t know. 0645 on Monday morning with coffee and my friends. I had to run outside first thing and move the garbage cans around. They both blew all over the place throughout the night as we’ve been nailed by yet another storm. I don’t know what the weather will be like for the daylight hours as of yet, though. A few hours ago the wind was raging. This morning’s business will be of the early variety, meaning I’ll have some nice quiet time in roughly an hour. I need it after the weekend, too. I really do. The morning business is finished and I have the rest of the day to myself. I am already having trouble keeping the difficulty at bay despite this office being so damned comfortable. I’ll have to remain vigilant. I am planning to visit the market later. Hopefully there is nothing troubling walking the aisles during the very short trip. I really don’t need to see anything more than the other day. Those gray pants are still haunting me and I can’t turn off the need to see everything, not to mention the lift that vision gave to the other girl. Don’t try to keep up, either. Save yourself and forget my shit. Anyway, I have the routine awaiting my time and then the trip to the store (maybe the other way around), and while home I am going to keep an eye on the weather. Jesus, Willa is fucking thin. Wow. So, I am mostly going to remain here and try to follow this crazy weather pattern while maintaining the house. Weather pattern? Also... A holding pattern. I am stagnant. Sarah’s sister is fucking awesome. 1112. Everything is finished and I have some laundry in the washer. The trip to the market was smooth as glass. Unfortunately, I will not be alone for much longer. That is no big deal, though, because the time and atmosphere will remain under my control. These days, nothing is more important. I need it. And speaking of time, I agreed to help at a job two days from now in the interest of putting a bit of cash in my pocket. In addition, the earlier part of the morning turned to shit, meaning I can only rise from here. Bailey’s thighs arrived later. I need to lick them after tracing her lines for an entire day. I think the rest of the day is going to be a bunch of relaxation and some nice food. My responsibilities are few, as well. I don’t need to do anything aside from that one load of wash. Tomorrow I have to venture to the big wine store for an order I placed this morning. I may head over to one of my favorite lunch spots after. It’s right down the block. The last time I was there was perhaps a month or so back, and I’ve been thinking about the comfort of that bar and the way it helps me to think. I guess all those years of sitting in Pleasanton on my off-Fridays with pencil and paper have remained inside me as a comfortable option away from home. I’ll pick up the booze and then maybe cruise over for lunch. I actually feel like going over there right now but I’d rather be there a tad earlier in order to avoid the riff raff. Heh. Tuesday morning. The power went off sometime around two this morning, meaning I am in survival and disaster mode. I just returned from the garage where I made coffee via the camping stove and a pour-over. My show is trying to stream via the cellular connection and is spotty at best. I have no worries about power, but without the wireless connection to the gateway, I may have trouble finding something which will run smoothly. We are likely to lose a few fresh items in the refrigerator, as well. The freezer in the garage held for more than two days during the last outage. It is typically pretty full. Between this machine and my phone, the morning should prove pretty relaxing. I need my devices, not to mention the nice, hot coffee. Oh, and without a cellular card in the laptop, I’ve been relegated to using the word processor for the time being. I have cloud access through the phone, but it’s busy right now. The power company is making repairs not far from here. I hope everything is restored soon. I don’t know what the rest of this day may hold. A trip to the big wine store is on tap, perhaps in an hour or so. Yikes, the keyboard is cold. I usually have this machine running on line voltage and it keeps my fingers warm while typing. The house is not very warm without the furnace in operation. Damn. I’ll take care of the routine soon, half before the drive and half after. Other than those tasks, I really don’t know what I’ll be doing around the house today. Everything rather depends upon the power situation. The coffee is very hot and in my Yeti. It’s very nice to have my morning drink. Not the booze, however. That comes later when the business is either complete or nearly so. 1146 is the time on the clock now. I went to the store after finishing my routine, and right in the middle of the work is when the power was restored. Unfortunately, the cable is still lacking a connection somewhere outside this house. I am still streaming the show on my phone and listening via the wireless MDRs. I fucking adore these headphones. There is a nice, cold glass of whiskey sitting to my right. Since the power is active, I am again charging this machine just in case. I also have one of the big batteries plugged into my toolbox power strip to fast charge throughout today. I need to remember that this situation is fluid, meaning everything needs to be ready should the neighborhood lose power again. My big Makita batteries are all fully energized and I have the phone charger which fits them right here next to me. One positive about the power situation and crazy weather is that necessities have pushed the obsession and related thinking to the rear of everything important for maintaining a quality of life in the house. I still picture the vision that took place last week, though. That one is going to stick with me for the long run. I would fucking die to go follow through with the way one of the damaging dreams relates to what took place in those few seconds when I gazed. God damn would I ever love it. I thought of the situation last night when the alluring Ashley was on my big television. That woman has a combination of features over which I have been absolutely crazy for several years. She is gorgeous beyond words and very unique. Maybe I haven’t been completely distracted. Laugh it up. Anyway, and on a humorous note, I keep thinking that I should search the Internet for the reason the Internet connection is unavailable. That is very funny and almost an oxymoron. As ridiculous as it may sound, laughing at my inability to easily ‘connect’ the idea of searching with the fact that the loss is the very reason I can’t search at all is another positive to this day. The desktop computer is ever closer to arriving. That machine has birthed more excitement than anything else in recent memory. I mentioned that sitting in the office after changing everything almost three years ago has been heartwarming. The notions involved in rebuilding my little control center with powerful speakers and three monitors have helped me get through all of the days since the first of the year. I am not kidding, either. The importance of this office faded in my mind for quite some time. Well, now it has returned with more power than when I first built the system more than ten years ago. The first time I felt empowered via a connection to the Internet which was more personal than just browsing or searching was when the site was born, and that was just shy of twenty-one years ago. The next little comfortable place was in the apartment on the third floor which succeeded the trailer. My house in the valley was the last venture which brought such comfort because my time in the cave was wrought with emotional trials and much turmoil. The office configuration in this house has changed just twice since first booting the computer when I moved in. This latest of changes has had an enormous impact on my comfort inside the home. I can’t say enough about how much of a plus the system will be, nor can I overstate the importance of having such a space tailored to my needs. There is a scene coming soon in which Rene questions Arlene’s fixation with doilies. The actor is playing a character with a Cajun accent, but Rene is not Cajun. He is putting on an act within the show. It’s difficult to explain unless you’ve seen this series. The point is, when he takes issue with Arlene, the dialog is fantastic, not to mention his acting ability. Not only that, but he just chased some assholes out of the restaurant because they were being very rude to a server. The way he does it makes me envy that sort of power. I could write volumes about the dialog in this program, especially the first three seasons. The second display to my right is active, but with only one small window indicating network connectivity. I am keeping an eye on the status of the connection. The show is on my phone. When I look over to watch, my eyes instinctively move to the big display rather than the little phone screen. I have that window open to keep an eye on the network, yet my brain has not let go of the idea that the video should be up there. I have to say that there have been many humorous situations today because of the power outage and Internet loss. Both have been very entertaining. The title of this entry has to do with obsession, but it has been lost on the weather situation and my efforts to maintain comfort in light of difficulty. I see these events as either challenges or training tools, to be honest, and take pride in the fact that I am prepared for them much of the time. The network status window continues to draw my attention. That is funny. I suppose I've been spoiled by having access to everything for so long. Maybe this weather pattern and inherent troubles will help me to appreciate everything working properly. The time is now 1252 and the Internet is still down. I have a load of laundry in the dryer, too. I wanted to make sure to finish anything requiring power before the sun melts into the ocean. Judging by the forecast, I should be able to cook dinner without worry. I don’t know why so many people insist that lemonade is a great thirst quencher when it is actually full of acid and typically tempered by sugar. All lemonade will accomplish is making a person’s thirst increase. Drink water, for fuck’s sake. Just a thought. The keyboard is much warmer than early this morning. Lois Smith is annoying me again. There are a few downsides to watching this series, and she is one of them. I just have to live with it. Here I am at 1340 in the afternoon, nice and comfortable and still watching my show. The Internet connection is still unavailable. This situation is making me realize just how dependent on the media I have become since the outset of the pandemic. I am not surprised, though, because ever since the second show became so important to me (mostly the idea of those characters being more like friends and family than entertainment) I have embraced whatever programming has the ability to provide me with comfort in the home. The time is now 1436 and I just went through holy hell in order to play a disc from this machine. Damn, that was a pain in the ass. The ironic part is that playing a DVD would have been a lot easier with Internet access to locate the proper software because this machine lacks the same. Well, if the Internet connection was working, I never would have sought to play a fucking disc in the first place. Maybe I should be thankful the power is on before complaining about having everything I wish. The DVD playback is really choppy, too. I suppose it’s good that I mostly listen. My work day was just postponed to Friday. That’s great because the desktop system is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow, nearly a full week early. I can’t wait to set it up. The damaging dreams and subsequent visions have returned to me, damn it all. I am yearning in the worst way and can’t seem to keep the situation in hand. Some aspects of the world are most decidedly out of fucking reach. Crap on the whole thing, anyway. I need to move on because I’ve worked out the temporary media setup and am excited about receiving the new machine tomorrow. I’ll have to take a trip over the hill again for a pair of cables, perhaps after the routine. I am hoping that the delivery is nailed to a window so I can schedule my time. I want her so bad that there is pain in my head and heart. Yes, that bad. I poured myself an intermediate cocktail to help alleviate the difficulty. Splendid. She is sweet and kind and completely amazing. Her hair flows in the breeze and makes me dream of Ashley’s hair all over the place when we were together. The way her mouth moves when she speaks or smiles is completely mesmerizing. Sometimes she swings her arms to and fro while speaking in that adorable voice and the sight drives my mind into wishing I could grab her and run away forever. She exhibits a touch of the lower face trait that I have found stirring for many years. On those few occasions when she looked directly at my eyes, there was a massive earthquake inside me and a battle to maintain my composure. I cannot believe I feel this way at my age, let alone having been completely caught off-guard every single time I caught sight of her unique beauty. If I it was possible to make her into a machine, I could die five minutes later with zero regrets. The damaging dreams are an entirely different level, however, believe me. They are beyond comprehension and must remain under lock and key for the duration of my life. This could be the most troubling situation I’ve experienced in decades. No one is listening. No one is there. I am losing my mind. Earlier today I found much comfort in having some of my favorite media following along as I worked around the house and later sitting in the office. Those people and stories have become so important to me that they are serving as another example of the depth of my nature as being far out of balance. The dreams I mentioned above are another, different example. I don’t think my condition would be quite as bad had I not seen the vision last week, and the third damaging dream was directly related. It was so far beyond incredible that I can’t fully express the idea. To be completely honest, the first thoughts in my head when something like that takes place all relate to the ability to shut everything off, and I mean permanently. I’ve never felt so inclined to remove myself from the world as I do during those moments. I do not have the first damned clue as to how I’ve made it this far without completely losing my shit on someone. I know such behavior is unfair, yet the compulsion is there nonetheless. My obsession with the subject of the dreams is growing with each passing day and beyond my control. There have been a few situations that found me point blank in front of prime examples of my obsession and I eventually came out the other side breathing despite having lost all of them over time. This newest vision seems to be pushing more and more at my ability to remain upright in spite of the positives I’ve been experiencing recently. When I say ‘remove myself’, I mean that I have become desperate to alleviate the feelings, or at least shut off my senses so they can no longer affect me. My weakness is overwhelming at times, yet not enough for me to make a gigantic mistake in life. Yes, that means I’ve learned a few things. What it does not mean is that I am better for the education. I still want her more than anything in the world. Not good. Pause. 1652. Never in my life have I desired something so much. This is so bad that I don’t even know where to fucking start. I had considered the obsession completely out of control and debilitating seven fucking years ago, but now it is beyond even that connection. Believe me, the wonder I experienced back then was powerful. I was close to every aspect of beauty of which I had dreamed for over a decade, and I mean right before my very eyes. This is different and I cannot say why. I can say that my head could not have imagined something so strong developing during the current period. God fucking damn it do I ever need so see it all. Everything is right there and completely out of reach. Impossible is the most appropriate descriptor. I am fucked in the head. This day has not been bad despite the power and Internet becoming all fucked up. Nothing that can take place related to the house will compare to the condition of my mind. Sitting here typing is not going to change a damned thing, either. Nothing will. All I can do is go on breathing and doing my work while enjoying my friends and family on three televisions or the computer. She is a complete fantasy and cannot fix me. I keep wishing and wishing, though. I can’t help it. I completed my typical chores and finished some laundry while listening to media on the phone. I picked up the order at the wine store. I’ll begin to prepare dinner in less than half an hour. I’m sure it will turn out fine. I have the disc player temporarily hooked up to the home theatre system just in case the Internet does not return tonight. These are all good accomplishments that should leave me feeling satisfied with the hours behind. But no, they do not. Nothing has the power to calm the storm in my head, nor can any quiet time or activity keep me from feeling pain inside over her. The need is almost too much for me to go on. Yes, I meant that. 0645 on Wednesday morning. The main cable line to the Internet is still down. The problem is widespread, too. There has been no connection for more than an entire day, and I believe that means they are scrambling to repair everything so the customers are happy. I have the show on my phone again this morning. I don’t know the scope of the issue, although the update I received informed me that upwards of one thousand customers have been affected. That’s a big problem. For the time being, I’ll keep the phone on the charge and use it for entertainment. At least the power is on this morning. The morning business is complete and I am here for the duration. I may head over the hill at some point to grab a pair of cables required for my multiple monitors. Other than that, I plan to remain here so I can wait for the computer to arrive. I had a strange dream early this morning involving my delivery, likely because it’s been on my mind for weeks. I don’t recall details, though. There were other people, I was in a strange house, and the computer arrived all mounted inside a crate for protection. Very strange. Anyway, I’ll be waiting with baited breath for the arrival of the key component to my control center. Of course, the Internet connection would be nice right about now. Talk about impeccable timing... Geez. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. Black pants. My head went south very quickly and I was reminded of the first time I glimpsed what had been going on inside. I did not see the lines as much as I’d hoped, though. The circumstances were not ideal, yet still there were curves previously unseen by me. Curves and softness. That was quite a while ago. The more recent visions had to do with other aspects of her body, the type about which I cannot stop daydreaming. First was the damage, and then so much in person that I lost my mind. The last, just over a week ago, was incredible and I am fucking dying to see everything. The need has never been direr than it is right at this very moment. I’m going crazy. I have to go through the motions today regardless of the shit storm in my brain and I don’t like one bit of it. My work must take priority and always does. I have half the routine finished. The other work can wait until my drink is gone and I feel like moving away from this machine. The weather outside is still very windy, but as of yet there has not been much rain. Not like two days ago, anyway. I still have my program running on the phone because the Internet connection remains dead. Thank goodness for the cellular connection. Without it, I’d be relegated to watching DVD programming and my collection leaves a bit to be desired. Perhaps when I had seemingly endless resources back in eleven, I should have purchased a few series’ in order to have them available during issue-laden storms like this. Another option is a SIM card for this computer. I must say that my dependence upon certain media during my hours alone has increased throughout the past three years in general, and since last December in particular. Good or bad, I know that I need to have something in the background or I become very uncomfortable. And I don’t give a shit, either. I will work to attain whatever makes me comfortable regardless of the cost or effort. I’ve come to realize that the quiet time at home with my friends and family on the television, phone or computer has become so important that without it I would be lost. Actually, I am already lost on more than one level. The media helps me to feel grounded. I believe this type of feeling began way back when we first hatched the idea of purchasing a trailer to live in and travel. That was twenty-five years ago this coming summer, honestly. We sat in a pizza parlor and discussed the idea on the heels of a trip across the country. I dreamed of having a very powerful laptop and the second show on DVD so I could watch whenever the mood struck. The entire works would have run me north of three grand back then, the laptop being defined as a ‘desktop replacement’ due to being very advanced and capable of everything a desktop machine could perform at the time, including media playback while other software ran in the background. Even all those years ago I knew I needed media to keep me company. The next occasion which found me considering how important the programs had become was when I worked to pack my belongings prior to moving out of the cave in twelve. The very last of the belongings to leave that home were the computer, speakers and discs I had been watching for months. I had movies playing in the living room all day, each day. I seem to have lost track of the topic again. Today has not been pleasant by any stretch of the word. The topic can take a flying leap. I am floored by how reliable the cellular connection has been throughout all these hours of streaming high-definition video. There is no way I can express how much I appreciate having the comfort of my friends next to me during the storms and other problems. 1206 is the time on the clock. I went to the smoke shop and goddess market for a few salad items that will go with dinner tonight and tomorrow. The store was virtually deserted, too. I was in and out in record time and then returned home to dive into my comfort for the afternoon. Lunch is in the oven. The weather is still very windy but not too rainy right now. I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new desktop computer. Unfortunately, the Internet connection is still offline. The vampires are again gracing my phone. The power must be maintained in order to minimize streaming issues. Well, this situation went from marginally bad to worse. The machine arrived and I began to get everything set up, but in order to complete the system configuration, the operating system needs to connect to the Internet. This is just peachy. The entire network is still inoperable; meaning my shiny new computer for which I’ve waited months cannot do anything. I ordered two of the adapter cables for the displays and they are scheduled to arrive this weekend. I guess I need not be in a hurry for them anymore because without the Internet, the displays are useless. All my excitement melted away within half a minute of turning on the power. The connection issue is beginning to get on my nerves. There is nothing I can do, though. I’ll just sit here and watch my show on the phone and type. So much for the control center. The time is now 1515 and the storm continues to dump rain at an alarming rate. Some of it is going absolutely sideways. I don’t know how long the Internet repair is going to take, but I am now two-plus days into watching media on the phone. The new computer is just sitting there with its power supply humming away as if the situation is fine. This just sucks out loud and right down to the ground. I can’t shut it off right now because it is part way through the initial setup and I don’t know what will happen if I kill the power. Moreover, the lights in the living room have been red and green since Thanksgiving and I can’t change the color back to white unless the bulbs can connect to the server. I know it sounds ridiculous, but those are the type I chose a few years ago. I will not throw money at the situation. I just have to wait this out. We are lucky that the data plan for the phones is unlimited. Speaking of power, I have all the emergency supplies in place just in case there is another outage. Last night I was watching a DVD through the home theatre system because nothing else was available. Tonight may be no different. Jesus holy fuck does Lizzy have one hell of a pair of breasts. Just a thought. I don’t like her character, though. She is not one of the supernaturals, yet a monster nonetheless. The worst kind, for sure. Seeing her in certain orientations does remind me of the visions, however. Eh, like I fucking need reminders. Anyway, I don’t see myself doing anything else today until the time comes to make some salad and the rest of dinner. I straightened the drafting table a bit and have one of my camera batteries charging so it can be stored, but anything further is just not blowing my skirt up this afternoon. The dim, peaceful evening should serve to be more relaxing than the rest of the day. Last night was really nice. Even if the grid fails again and I have to jump into action, I have methods for keeping the house rather comfortable. All of the contingencies are going to remain in place until the weather improves. I am obsessed beyond belief with something completely unattainable that causes pain inside. Two ways, really. The feelings are growing ever stronger and my preoccupation with her appearance haunts my thinking several hundred times per day. I don’t know what to do. I know of everything I can’t do. I just fucking need her. Help me." This site contains mature content Created by REN in Microsoft Visual Studio 2022 Copyright ©2002-2024 Brandywine Engineering All rights reserved All other trademarks, logos and graphics are the property of their respective owners Questions? Comments? Gather your thoughts and compose a message to the assholes in charge
January 11th, 2023 3:46pm pst If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Nth Obsession read ( words) "1130. My usual morning routine is finished. The requisite glass of depressant is next to me, naturally. Arliss Howard is on the screen right now. He is absolutely awesome. Something bad happened and tore my heart into pieces. It’s happened before, too, but I didn’t really put much stock into the incident because I was not paying attention to the bigger picture. Now I am, and the depression is worse than ever. Between this morning, the fact that I believe I found ‘her’ and the fucking damaging dreams being right before my eyes (not to mention the toll on my brain), I do not believe there can ever be any type of recovery. There will be no ‘up’ anymore, only ‘down’. I’d say that I am falling from grace, but that word has never applied to me. I may have to switch to science fiction soon because this show is not helping me feel balanced. The truth is this story can be very depressing even though the end is pretty damned happy. Ugh. 1203 and I have yet to have lunch because I am becoming angry. The second cocktail is a possibility, for all the damage it can cause. Maybe I should venture over the hill to the big wine store to distract this line of thinking and help my head shove the dreams away. I thought my back was going to be an issue today, but the truth is the situation from yesterday is much worse. I can’t even comment about this morning. I wish that first dream had never occurred. This is the worst fucking mindset I’ve experienced in a very long time. All this shit and I will still not state that any of it is unfair. I will say that I’ve never been so fucking pissed off. Maybe that’s better than just rolling over and remaining quiet. I don’t know. Should I swing the hammer? I don’t know the answer to that question, either. One thing? I am sure glad I did all of the laundry yesterday because right now I am in the opposite mood... Destruction, not productivity. The world can thank fucking God that I am powerless to do anything more dramatic. Jesus fucking hell God damn shit am I ever fucked up over that girl. I need what I need and I want what I want, and remember that I did not do this to myself. Hammer swing time. 1601. I spent a few hours in the garage with loud music and a project. There has been a latent piece of plastic languishing out there for years, one that had been mounted on a slot machine in the seventies to display payouts. I finally built a box to hold it with lighting inside and mounted it to the right-side cabinet door next to the two memories of my dad’s career during the glow. Saturday morning at 0658. I believe we have some weather today. There are chiclets on the television again after so many months of other programming. I now realize that my feelings for the character have ramped up to the nth degree due to the influence of the damaging dreams. Yes, they relate to the character. I can’t state the reasons, however, because of possible backlash. Right now I don’t have to worry about it because all of the content has been made unavailable, but I can’t state with any certainty that it will not return. Shit... There she is again. Wow. Bailey was incredibly beautiful during the sixth and seventh seasons of this show, although this is the first occasion of me connecting her to the subject of those dreams. The relationship between aspects of those two girls is not something I can discuss here, however. Just understand that Bailey’s adorable chiclets has driven my head further into the black. 1132. The routine is finished and I went to two stores for some staples and items for dinner tonight. Now I have some quiet time to sit here and blather about whatever comes to mind, or perhaps the fucking obsession which continues to take its toll on my brain. Even after nearly twenty years, the sight of certain physical traits pulls me away from whatever I may be doing no matter how important the activity. You have seen the results with my gushing endlessly about the dreams and their ongoing effects. The fact is the obsession flared back in fifteen so badly that I very nearly lost my mind. Not to mention my job; home; everything. However I came out the other side of that situation, I still appreciate it. That is a major positive because I actually learned to sit still and maintain this semblance of a lifestyle rather than trying to run after a wondrous draw. I know in advance that the situation will go south, so I just sit here and dream about whatever the latest interest is and why. I mentioned Bailey up the page because the lines appeared a few times in the past and drove me insane, so much so that I wanted to go find lines that I could see up close, like the gray pants on the boulevard. They related to Bailey’s appearance quite a bit, yet inside my head was a massive red line that kept me in the car and making tracks for home. That is when the pain began. I yearned to see her lines up close. I yearned so badly that for several seconds I had to regain my mental composure in order to go two more blocks to my driveway. I can still see her gait because I am insane over her appearance and still don’t know why. And now there is Bailey again in a pair or jeans. The damaging dreams, Bailey’s character and the girl in the gray pants all have a few traits in common, and as much as I would like those traits to be a part of the reason I am so crazy over this, the truth is they did not exist in my head decades ago when this obsession began to develop. I did not see everything in a similar light, either, but I don’t think enough of the root situation has changed to explain why. All I know is that the pain inside over seeing something like the girl in the gray pants leaves me depressed and nearly suicidal more often than not. 0658 on Sunday morning. Oh, yesterday is in the past but it needs to be pushed further back. I went to the yearly gathering over the hill due to being talked into it and had a nice time. Upon returning, the relaxation set in and I eventually made some nice dinner. Those are the upsides. The other part of the day is something I should not mention, so I will simply state that it angered me and even all these hours later I can’t seem to relieve the feelings. Today is going to be very nice with the football game, my quiet hours and some of my favorite foods. I’ll have to fully embrace everything in order to help yesterday’s shit to disappear as much as possible. I don’t want to end up in a bad mood again due to external stimuli. I already have enough reasons to be pissed off all the time without anyone adding more explosives to the top of the pile. This must be a day in which I rise from yesterday’s shit and move forward in whatever manner feels best. I have my usual things to do, plus the garbage and football game. Hopefully, those are enough. This office is going to be amazing (already is, in some ways). My control center of the past, but expanded. I received word yesterday that the machine has already shipped, and that after being informed that the date of completion would be more than a week out. This is excellent. Unfortunately, the third display is not scheduled to arrive until the beginning of March. I’m glad there are already two on the table or I’d have a much more difficult time waiting. Everything else is in place, too. This space is going to be similar to what it was to me in fifteen when shit went really sideways and I was in pain much of the time. Between work and the obsession, I had been in a pretty bad fucking mood for a long time. Throw failing, foiled, failed fantasy (however it should be categorized at this point) and the office became the only place where I could deeply explore or simply lash out. No one wanted to be near this room when I was angry, believe me, and I plan to develop such a mood again should the need arise. I have the same speaker system and better displays, not to mention the new computer itself being much more powerful than the one I am operating right now. My sanctuary shall return soon. I am already in a shitty mood this morning. Yesterday was just too much. Nothing of the sort will be allowed to continue because I’ve had enough, honestly. More anger is going to gum up the works of my plans for later. Even though I was mostly derailed for a few hours yesterday, I still cared for everything necessary for my peace of mind. Today? I can go a bit further and try to keep the explosive temper reined in. I have to hold it close and dream of niceties. Thoughts of the past – as in my descriptions of the forest-type of mindset and thinking or the idea of breaking away from the herd – always come to mind when my mood is negative, much like this morning. They relate to the old office setup more than any other aspect of this house, too. When I first sat here more than a week ago, all of those years of gazing out the east-facing glass door from on high returned almost instantly. This is the longest I’ve lived in any single location, and those years of being on the third floor are still prevalent. Negative thinking and harsh opinions pervaded my mind during that time for more reasons than I would care to tally right now. I still carry much of the same, yet the last year (believe it or not) has shown me something worse than a healthy and decades-long hatred for the mass of society. It has driven my head toward the obsession and away from the searing words of my time on the third floor. Driving by that girl the other day made me sad and angry, desperate and full of desire. I needed to see so badly that my eyes darted all over the place before I was able to clear my head enough for the short drive the rest of the way home. Thank Christ I was only two blocks from here. I wanted to see her more than anything in the world. And I mean ANYTHING. I actually wanted much more than that, but going further from the lines and into other territory is no longer necessary here. There is a powerful reason for my need to go further. It is due to ‘knowing’ that the lines are in there and they align with my brain’s need to map everything, plus the idea of the failed fantasy and everything therein being possible again at the same time. I am not going to make this description easy, either. Live with it. What I need is often stated as impossible because I’ve connected two dreams on a few occasions in the past but have recently learned that there is nothing in existence more powerful or more capable of calming the cyclone of desire in my head. Or? Eliminating the storm entirely. All that shit went through my head when I saw her gait. All of it. The ones on the television are vastly different due to being both fictional and somewhat ‘unreal’. Right before my eyes is another story. Everything seems possible for a split second until I realize it is not, and then the shit sets in and destroys my day. The obsession has superseded the hatred. This is not good by any means, but it will not go away no matter what I do. This office is going to be wondrous. The girl on the street and Bailey’s character both relate to the other one... The subject of the dreams. I am going to have a tough time keeping my head away from that fucking vision the other day. No, not the gray pants, the one closer to my eyes. I still can’t believe what I saw. The gray pants only worsened the storm and forced me to fight my way back to a normal day. The relationship between all three is not something I can reveal here, but suffice to say such a connection is perfectly natural, even understandable. And yes, I am prepared for the possibility that I’ve become so twisted that what may seem understandable to me is far from typical societal standards and morals. Nothing surprises me anymore, not even the realization that I have steadily worsened over the years. God damn, what I would give to see everything. Well, everything. I am completely fucked up. This direction must change or today will end up like yesterday. What a galactic waste of time it was. I simply can’t have that shit again. 0839 means the last cup of coffee is next to me. The show is still running on the second display but I am not paying that much attention due to my head being all sideways over the obsession and the failed (used to be failing) fantasy. There are other reasons, but again... I can’t say. The game begins in less than an hour, meaning I’ll have to leave the office and do some housework very soon, likely once my coffee is gone. God damn it, there she is again. I have so many needs right now that I don’t even know where to begin. Ugh. Hopefully, the housework will help my mind relax. The idiot townspeople finally gained access to the guns, but because they were stupid, much of the ammunition was blown away prior to leaving the police station. Dumb fucks. Whatever. The writing for seasons six and seven is questionable at best. I don’t enjoy feeling this way, all full of turmoil and discomfort. The mood occurs every few days or so and leaves me feeling as if nothing is worthwhile anymore and the only way to cease the difficulty is to permanently remove it. Such thinking is dire and about as bad as it gets. I’ll have to push pretty fucking hard to keep my brain out of the black today. Yesterday definitely angered me despite the many distractions (there was even a woman at the event dressed as a barmaid from the eighteen hundreds with one of the shortest dresses ever, plus lines all over her thighs) and I do not want a repeat. The game will help, as will the typical Sunday business. There is one major positive that I need to keep in mind, as well. That is the idea that the beginning of the year used to be very depressing and dark, whereas now that I do not need to work, the period has improved markedly in my head. Being home these days is a huge plus as long as I can remain mindful of such an advantage. The turmoil combined with full-time work was really troubling, even more than these mornings. I can’t do much about the discomfort, though. It is physiological and permanent. And? Everything is related. Oh, mama... This girl on the screen who first appears in the sixth season... God damn, what an alluring, gorgeous example of the obsession. She looks different to me now than a few years ago. Just another supporting fact that the obsession has spiraled out of control during the last year. Well, since the first damaging dream last May, anyway. I am going insane. The two batteries in this laptop have been cycled for more than five years and their life is waning. Believe it or not, when I first received this machine, a full charge meant more than twenty hours of life. Now? The duration before it needs to be plugged in has been reduced to six hours or so. The desktop computer could not be coming at a better time. I am thankful. 0942. The coffee is gone and the vampires remain. I’ll be into the housework very soon. And the sun is actually shining this morning. I believe this break in the rain will be short-lived, however. I am looking forward to caring for the house during the game because being here can be comforting even when I have to shove the obsession and all related aspects to the rear. Part of the problem is the past. There are so many memories of situations that seemed unreal at the time, and now they appear as nothing more than fictional aspects of a life I never achieved. Such a fact weighs upon my head each day and makes even the simplest task seem overwhelming. My head is very sideways this morning for reasons I cannot go into right now. Some of them have been driven by the obsession while others have come about since the first dream last year. I can’t stop seeing those dreams, nor have I been able to extricate the visions from Christmas weekend and shortly thereafter. Those two sights have filled me with more desire than I had ever thought possible. Not good. Not only is no one listening, but there is also not a fucking thing I can do to ease this condition. Nothing... The word of my life. I want her more than I care to admit. That is fucking sad. 1154 on the same day, Sunday. I have the routine finished and some of the garbage, as well. I’ve been sneezing due to something that got to my nose, so I’m not going to have any of my favorite foods until it dissipates. No sense of taste equals no eating. But... Drinking? Oh, I’m already an hour into the booze. I need the edge removed via alcohol because otherwise I will do nothing more than sit here and obsess over the girl in the gray pants, the other girl, and the whole of my thinking. Watching this show in the past, I did not think much of Willa outside the scope of her character arc, but right now I would give everything to slather her tenderness with my tongue. Hours of it. Nice. Marvelous. Splendid. Anyway, my happiness has been ripped to shreds, burned to ash, and then buried with the dead. I am so pissed off right now that the rest of the day had better be pretty fucking satisfying. Ugh. I hate this shit. Devil may care? I don’t know. 0645 on Monday morning with coffee and my friends. I had to run outside first thing and move the garbage cans around. They both blew all over the place throughout the night as we’ve been nailed by yet another storm. I don’t know what the weather will be like for the daylight hours as of yet, though. A few hours ago the wind was raging. This morning’s business will be of the early variety, meaning I’ll have some nice quiet time in roughly an hour. I need it after the weekend, too. I really do. The morning business is finished and I have the rest of the day to myself. I am already having trouble keeping the difficulty at bay despite this office being so damned comfortable. I’ll have to remain vigilant. I am planning to visit the market later. Hopefully there is nothing troubling walking the aisles during the very short trip. I really don’t need to see anything more than the other day. Those gray pants are still haunting me and I can’t turn off the need to see everything, not to mention the lift that vision gave to the other girl. Don’t try to keep up, either. Save yourself and forget my shit. Anyway, I have the routine awaiting my time and then the trip to the store (maybe the other way around), and while home I am going to keep an eye on the weather. Jesus, Willa is fucking thin. Wow. So, I am mostly going to remain here and try to follow this crazy weather pattern while maintaining the house. Weather pattern? Also... A holding pattern. I am stagnant. Sarah’s sister is fucking awesome. 1112. Everything is finished and I have some laundry in the washer. The trip to the market was smooth as glass. Unfortunately, I will not be alone for much longer. That is no big deal, though, because the time and atmosphere will remain under my control. These days, nothing is more important. I need it. And speaking of time, I agreed to help at a job two days from now in the interest of putting a bit of cash in my pocket. In addition, the earlier part of the morning turned to shit, meaning I can only rise from here. Bailey’s thighs arrived later. I need to lick them after tracing her lines for an entire day. I think the rest of the day is going to be a bunch of relaxation and some nice food. My responsibilities are few, as well. I don’t need to do anything aside from that one load of wash. Tomorrow I have to venture to the big wine store for an order I placed this morning. I may head over to one of my favorite lunch spots after. It’s right down the block. The last time I was there was perhaps a month or so back, and I’ve been thinking about the comfort of that bar and the way it helps me to think. I guess all those years of sitting in Pleasanton on my off-Fridays with pencil and paper have remained inside me as a comfortable option away from home. I’ll pick up the booze and then maybe cruise over for lunch. I actually feel like going over there right now but I’d rather be there a tad earlier in order to avoid the riff raff. Heh. Tuesday morning. The power went off sometime around two this morning, meaning I am in survival and disaster mode. I just returned from the garage where I made coffee via the camping stove and a pour-over. My show is trying to stream via the cellular connection and is spotty at best. I have no worries about power, but without the wireless connection to the gateway, I may have trouble finding something which will run smoothly. We are likely to lose a few fresh items in the refrigerator, as well. The freezer in the garage held for more than two days during the last outage. It is typically pretty full. Between this machine and my phone, the morning should prove pretty relaxing. I need my devices, not to mention the nice, hot coffee. Oh, and without a cellular card in the laptop, I’ve been relegated to using the word processor for the time being. I have cloud access through the phone, but it’s busy right now. The power company is making repairs not far from here. I hope everything is restored soon. I don’t know what the rest of this day may hold. A trip to the big wine store is on tap, perhaps in an hour or so. Yikes, the keyboard is cold. I usually have this machine running on line voltage and it keeps my fingers warm while typing. The house is not very warm without the furnace in operation. Damn. I’ll take care of the routine soon, half before the drive and half after. Other than those tasks, I really don’t know what I’ll be doing around the house today. Everything rather depends upon the power situation. The coffee is very hot and in my Yeti. It’s very nice to have my morning drink. Not the booze, however. That comes later when the business is either complete or nearly so. 1146 is the time on the clock now. I went to the store after finishing my routine, and right in the middle of the work is when the power was restored. Unfortunately, the cable is still lacking a connection somewhere outside this house. I am still streaming the show on my phone and listening via the wireless MDRs. I fucking adore these headphones. There is a nice, cold glass of whiskey sitting to my right. Since the power is active, I am again charging this machine just in case. I also have one of the big batteries plugged into my toolbox power strip to fast charge throughout today. I need to remember that this situation is fluid, meaning everything needs to be ready should the neighborhood lose power again. My big Makita batteries are all fully energized and I have the phone charger which fits them right here next to me. One positive about the power situation and crazy weather is that necessities have pushed the obsession and related thinking to the rear of everything important for maintaining a quality of life in the house. I still picture the vision that took place last week, though. That one is going to stick with me for the long run. I would fucking die to go follow through with the way one of the damaging dreams relates to what took place in those few seconds when I gazed. God damn would I ever love it. I thought of the situation last night when the alluring Ashley was on my big television. That woman has a combination of features over which I have been absolutely crazy for several years. She is gorgeous beyond words and very unique. Maybe I haven’t been completely distracted. Laugh it up. Anyway, and on a humorous note, I keep thinking that I should search the Internet for the reason the Internet connection is unavailable. That is very funny and almost an oxymoron. As ridiculous as it may sound, laughing at my inability to easily ‘connect’ the idea of searching with the fact that the loss is the very reason I can’t search at all is another positive to this day. The desktop computer is ever closer to arriving. That machine has birthed more excitement than anything else in recent memory. I mentioned that sitting in the office after changing everything almost three years ago has been heartwarming. The notions involved in rebuilding my little control center with powerful speakers and three monitors have helped me get through all of the days since the first of the year. I am not kidding, either. The importance of this office faded in my mind for quite some time. Well, now it has returned with more power than when I first built the system more than ten years ago. The first time I felt empowered via a connection to the Internet which was more personal than just browsing or searching was when the site was born, and that was just shy of twenty-one years ago. The next little comfortable place was in the apartment on the third floor which succeeded the trailer. My house in the valley was the last venture which brought such comfort because my time in the cave was wrought with emotional trials and much turmoil. The office configuration in this house has changed just twice since first booting the computer when I moved in. This latest of changes has had an enormous impact on my comfort inside the home. I can’t say enough about how much of a plus the system will be, nor can I overstate the importance of having such a space tailored to my needs. There is a scene coming soon in which Rene questions Arlene’s fixation with doilies. The actor is playing a character with a Cajun accent, but Rene is not Cajun. He is putting on an act within the show. It’s difficult to explain unless you’ve seen this series. The point is, when he takes issue with Arlene, the dialog is fantastic, not to mention his acting ability. Not only that, but he just chased some assholes out of the restaurant because they were being very rude to a server. The way he does it makes me envy that sort of power. I could write volumes about the dialog in this program, especially the first three seasons. The second display to my right is active, but with only one small window indicating network connectivity. I am keeping an eye on the status of the connection. The show is on my phone. When I look over to watch, my eyes instinctively move to the big display rather than the little phone screen. I have that window open to keep an eye on the network, yet my brain has not let go of the idea that the video should be up there. I have to say that there have been many humorous situations today because of the power outage and Internet loss. Both have been very entertaining. The title of this entry has to do with obsession, but it has been lost on the weather situation and my efforts to maintain comfort in light of difficulty. I see these events as either challenges or training tools, to be honest, and take pride in the fact that I am prepared for them much of the time. The network status window continues to draw my attention. That is funny. I suppose I've been spoiled by having access to everything for so long. Maybe this weather pattern and inherent troubles will help me to appreciate everything working properly. The time is now 1252 and the Internet is still down. I have a load of laundry in the dryer, too. I wanted to make sure to finish anything requiring power before the sun melts into the ocean. Judging by the forecast, I should be able to cook dinner without worry. I don’t know why so many people insist that lemonade is a great thirst quencher when it is actually full of acid and typically tempered by sugar. All lemonade will accomplish is making a person’s thirst increase. Drink water, for fuck’s sake. Just a thought. The keyboard is much warmer than early this morning. Lois Smith is annoying me again. There are a few downsides to watching this series, and she is one of them. I just have to live with it. Here I am at 1340 in the afternoon, nice and comfortable and still watching my show. The Internet connection is still unavailable. This situation is making me realize just how dependent on the media I have become since the outset of the pandemic. I am not surprised, though, because ever since the second show became so important to me (mostly the idea of those characters being more like friends and family than entertainment) I have embraced whatever programming has the ability to provide me with comfort in the home. The time is now 1436 and I just went through holy hell in order to play a disc from this machine. Damn, that was a pain in the ass. The ironic part is that playing a DVD would have been a lot easier with Internet access to locate the proper software because this machine lacks the same. Well, if the Internet connection was working, I never would have sought to play a fucking disc in the first place. Maybe I should be thankful the power is on before complaining about having everything I wish. The DVD playback is really choppy, too. I suppose it’s good that I mostly listen. My work day was just postponed to Friday. That’s great because the desktop system is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow, nearly a full week early. I can’t wait to set it up. The damaging dreams and subsequent visions have returned to me, damn it all. I am yearning in the worst way and can’t seem to keep the situation in hand. Some aspects of the world are most decidedly out of fucking reach. Crap on the whole thing, anyway. I need to move on because I’ve worked out the temporary media setup and am excited about receiving the new machine tomorrow. I’ll have to take a trip over the hill again for a pair of cables, perhaps after the routine. I am hoping that the delivery is nailed to a window so I can schedule my time. I want her so bad that there is pain in my head and heart. Yes, that bad. I poured myself an intermediate cocktail to help alleviate the difficulty. Splendid. She is sweet and kind and completely amazing. Her hair flows in the breeze and makes me dream of Ashley’s hair all over the place when we were together. The way her mouth moves when she speaks or smiles is completely mesmerizing. Sometimes she swings her arms to and fro while speaking in that adorable voice and the sight drives my mind into wishing I could grab her and run away forever. She exhibits a touch of the lower face trait that I have found stirring for many years. On those few occasions when she looked directly at my eyes, there was a massive earthquake inside me and a battle to maintain my composure. I cannot believe I feel this way at my age, let alone having been completely caught off-guard every single time I caught sight of her unique beauty. If I it was possible to make her into a machine, I could die five minutes later with zero regrets. The damaging dreams are an entirely different level, however, believe me. They are beyond comprehension and must remain under lock and key for the duration of my life. This could be the most troubling situation I’ve experienced in decades. No one is listening. No one is there. I am losing my mind. Earlier today I found much comfort in having some of my favorite media following along as I worked around the house and later sitting in the office. Those people and stories have become so important to me that they are serving as another example of the depth of my nature as being far out of balance. The dreams I mentioned above are another, different example. I don’t think my condition would be quite as bad had I not seen the vision last week, and the third damaging dream was directly related. It was so far beyond incredible that I can’t fully express the idea. To be completely honest, the first thoughts in my head when something like that takes place all relate to the ability to shut everything off, and I mean permanently. I’ve never felt so inclined to remove myself from the world as I do during those moments. I do not have the first damned clue as to how I’ve made it this far without completely losing my shit on someone. I know such behavior is unfair, yet the compulsion is there nonetheless. My obsession with the subject of the dreams is growing with each passing day and beyond my control. There have been a few situations that found me point blank in front of prime examples of my obsession and I eventually came out the other side breathing despite having lost all of them over time. This newest vision seems to be pushing more and more at my ability to remain upright in spite of the positives I’ve been experiencing recently. When I say ‘remove myself’, I mean that I have become desperate to alleviate the feelings, or at least shut off my senses so they can no longer affect me. My weakness is overwhelming at times, yet not enough for me to make a gigantic mistake in life. Yes, that means I’ve learned a few things. What it does not mean is that I am better for the education. I still want her more than anything in the world. Not good. Pause. 1652. Never in my life have I desired something so much. This is so bad that I don’t even know where to fucking start. I had considered the obsession completely out of control and debilitating seven fucking years ago, but now it is beyond even that connection. Believe me, the wonder I experienced back then was powerful. I was close to every aspect of beauty of which I had dreamed for over a decade, and I mean right before my very eyes. This is different and I cannot say why. I can say that my head could not have imagined something so strong developing during the current period. God fucking damn it do I ever need so see it all. Everything is right there and completely out of reach. Impossible is the most appropriate descriptor. I am fucked in the head. This day has not been bad despite the power and Internet becoming all fucked up. Nothing that can take place related to the house will compare to the condition of my mind. Sitting here typing is not going to change a damned thing, either. Nothing will. All I can do is go on breathing and doing my work while enjoying my friends and family on three televisions or the computer. She is a complete fantasy and cannot fix me. I keep wishing and wishing, though. I can’t help it. I completed my typical chores and finished some laundry while listening to media on the phone. I picked up the order at the wine store. I’ll begin to prepare dinner in less than half an hour. I’m sure it will turn out fine. I have the disc player temporarily hooked up to the home theatre system just in case the Internet does not return tonight. These are all good accomplishments that should leave me feeling satisfied with the hours behind. But no, they do not. Nothing has the power to calm the storm in my head, nor can any quiet time or activity keep me from feeling pain inside over her. The need is almost too much for me to go on. Yes, I meant that. 0645 on Wednesday morning. The main cable line to the Internet is still down. The problem is widespread, too. There has been no connection for more than an entire day, and I believe that means they are scrambling to repair everything so the customers are happy. I have the show on my phone again this morning. I don’t know the scope of the issue, although the update I received informed me that upwards of one thousand customers have been affected. That’s a big problem. For the time being, I’ll keep the phone on the charge and use it for entertainment. At least the power is on this morning. The morning business is complete and I am here for the duration. I may head over the hill at some point to grab a pair of cables required for my multiple monitors. Other than that, I plan to remain here so I can wait for the computer to arrive. I had a strange dream early this morning involving my delivery, likely because it’s been on my mind for weeks. I don’t recall details, though. There were other people, I was in a strange house, and the computer arrived all mounted inside a crate for protection. Very strange. Anyway, I’ll be waiting with baited breath for the arrival of the key component to my control center. Of course, the Internet connection would be nice right about now. Talk about impeccable timing... Geez. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. Black pants. My head went south very quickly and I was reminded of the first time I glimpsed what had been going on inside. I did not see the lines as much as I’d hoped, though. The circumstances were not ideal, yet still there were curves previously unseen by me. Curves and softness. That was quite a while ago. The more recent visions had to do with other aspects of her body, the type about which I cannot stop daydreaming. First was the damage, and then so much in person that I lost my mind. The last, just over a week ago, was incredible and I am fucking dying to see everything. The need has never been direr than it is right at this very moment. I’m going crazy. I have to go through the motions today regardless of the shit storm in my brain and I don’t like one bit of it. My work must take priority and always does. I have half the routine finished. The other work can wait until my drink is gone and I feel like moving away from this machine. The weather outside is still very windy, but as of yet there has not been much rain. Not like two days ago, anyway. I still have my program running on the phone because the Internet connection remains dead. Thank goodness for the cellular connection. Without it, I’d be relegated to watching DVD programming and my collection leaves a bit to be desired. Perhaps when I had seemingly endless resources back in eleven, I should have purchased a few series’ in order to have them available during issue-laden storms like this. Another option is a SIM card for this computer. I must say that my dependence upon certain media during my hours alone has increased throughout the past three years in general, and since last December in particular. Good or bad, I know that I need to have something in the background or I become very uncomfortable. And I don’t give a shit, either. I will work to attain whatever makes me comfortable regardless of the cost or effort. I’ve come to realize that the quiet time at home with my friends and family on the television, phone or computer has become so important that without it I would be lost. Actually, I am already lost on more than one level. The media helps me to feel grounded. I believe this type of feeling began way back when we first hatched the idea of purchasing a trailer to live in and travel. That was twenty-five years ago this coming summer, honestly. We sat in a pizza parlor and discussed the idea on the heels of a trip across the country. I dreamed of having a very powerful laptop and the second show on DVD so I could watch whenever the mood struck. The entire works would have run me north of three grand back then, the laptop being defined as a ‘desktop replacement’ due to being very advanced and capable of everything a desktop machine could perform at the time, including media playback while other software ran in the background. Even all those years ago I knew I needed media to keep me company. The next occasion which found me considering how important the programs had become was when I worked to pack my belongings prior to moving out of the cave in twelve. The very last of the belongings to leave that home were the computer, speakers and discs I had been watching for months. I had movies playing in the living room all day, each day. I seem to have lost track of the topic again. Today has not been pleasant by any stretch of the word. The topic can take a flying leap. I am floored by how reliable the cellular connection has been throughout all these hours of streaming high-definition video. There is no way I can express how much I appreciate having the comfort of my friends next to me during the storms and other problems. 1206 is the time on the clock. I went to the smoke shop and goddess market for a few salad items that will go with dinner tonight and tomorrow. The store was virtually deserted, too. I was in and out in record time and then returned home to dive into my comfort for the afternoon. Lunch is in the oven. The weather is still very windy but not too rainy right now. I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new desktop computer. Unfortunately, the Internet connection is still offline. The vampires are again gracing my phone. The power must be maintained in order to minimize streaming issues. Well, this situation went from marginally bad to worse. The machine arrived and I began to get everything set up, but in order to complete the system configuration, the operating system needs to connect to the Internet. This is just peachy. The entire network is still inoperable; meaning my shiny new computer for which I’ve waited months cannot do anything. I ordered two of the adapter cables for the displays and they are scheduled to arrive this weekend. I guess I need not be in a hurry for them anymore because without the Internet, the displays are useless. All my excitement melted away within half a minute of turning on the power. The connection issue is beginning to get on my nerves. There is nothing I can do, though. I’ll just sit here and watch my show on the phone and type. So much for the control center. The time is now 1515 and the storm continues to dump rain at an alarming rate. Some of it is going absolutely sideways. I don’t know how long the Internet repair is going to take, but I am now two-plus days into watching media on the phone. The new computer is just sitting there with its power supply humming away as if the situation is fine. This just sucks out loud and right down to the ground. I can’t shut it off right now because it is part way through the initial setup and I don’t know what will happen if I kill the power. Moreover, the lights in the living room have been red and green since Thanksgiving and I can’t change the color back to white unless the bulbs can connect to the server. I know it sounds ridiculous, but those are the type I chose a few years ago. I will not throw money at the situation. I just have to wait this out. We are lucky that the data plan for the phones is unlimited. Speaking of power, I have all the emergency supplies in place just in case there is another outage. Last night I was watching a DVD through the home theatre system because nothing else was available. Tonight may be no different. Jesus holy fuck does Lizzy have one hell of a pair of breasts. Just a thought. I don’t like her character, though. She is not one of the supernaturals, yet a monster nonetheless. The worst kind, for sure. Seeing her in certain orientations does remind me of the visions, however. Eh, like I fucking need reminders. Anyway, I don’t see myself doing anything else today until the time comes to make some salad and the rest of dinner. I straightened the drafting table a bit and have one of my camera batteries charging so it can be stored, but anything further is just not blowing my skirt up this afternoon. The dim, peaceful evening should serve to be more relaxing than the rest of the day. Last night was really nice. Even if the grid fails again and I have to jump into action, I have methods for keeping the house rather comfortable. All of the contingencies are going to remain in place until the weather improves. I am obsessed beyond belief with something completely unattainable that causes pain inside. Two ways, really. The feelings are growing ever stronger and my preoccupation with her appearance haunts my thinking several hundred times per day. I don’t know what to do. I know of everything I can’t do. I just fucking need her. Help me."
January 11th, 2023 3:46pm pst
If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.
Nth Obsession
read ( words)
"1130. My usual morning routine is finished. The requisite glass of depressant is next to me, naturally. Arliss Howard is on the screen right now. He is absolutely awesome. Something bad happened and tore my heart into pieces. It’s happened before, too, but I didn’t really put much stock into the incident because I was not paying attention to the bigger picture. Now I am, and the depression is worse than ever. Between this morning, the fact that I believe I found ‘her’ and the fucking damaging dreams being right before my eyes (not to mention the toll on my brain), I do not believe there can ever be any type of recovery. There will be no ‘up’ anymore, only ‘down’. I’d say that I am falling from grace, but that word has never applied to me. I may have to switch to science fiction soon because this show is not helping me feel balanced. The truth is this story can be very depressing even though the end is pretty damned happy. Ugh. 1203 and I have yet to have lunch because I am becoming angry. The second cocktail is a possibility, for all the damage it can cause. Maybe I should venture over the hill to the big wine store to distract this line of thinking and help my head shove the dreams away. I thought my back was going to be an issue today, but the truth is the situation from yesterday is much worse. I can’t even comment about this morning. I wish that first dream had never occurred. This is the worst fucking mindset I’ve experienced in a very long time. All this shit and I will still not state that any of it is unfair. I will say that I’ve never been so fucking pissed off. Maybe that’s better than just rolling over and remaining quiet. I don’t know. Should I swing the hammer? I don’t know the answer to that question, either. One thing? I am sure glad I did all of the laundry yesterday because right now I am in the opposite mood... Destruction, not productivity. The world can thank fucking God that I am powerless to do anything more dramatic. Jesus fucking hell God damn shit am I ever fucked up over that girl. I need what I need and I want what I want, and remember that I did not do this to myself. Hammer swing time. 1601. I spent a few hours in the garage with loud music and a project. There has been a latent piece of plastic languishing out there for years, one that had been mounted on a slot machine in the seventies to display payouts. I finally built a box to hold it with lighting inside and mounted it to the right-side cabinet door next to the two memories of my dad’s career during the glow. Saturday morning at 0658. I believe we have some weather today. There are chiclets on the television again after so many months of other programming. I now realize that my feelings for the character have ramped up to the nth degree due to the influence of the damaging dreams. Yes, they relate to the character. I can’t state the reasons, however, because of possible backlash. Right now I don’t have to worry about it because all of the content has been made unavailable, but I can’t state with any certainty that it will not return. Shit... There she is again. Wow. Bailey was incredibly beautiful during the sixth and seventh seasons of this show, although this is the first occasion of me connecting her to the subject of those dreams. The relationship between aspects of those two girls is not something I can discuss here, however. Just understand that Bailey’s adorable chiclets has driven my head further into the black. 1132. The routine is finished and I went to two stores for some staples and items for dinner tonight. Now I have some quiet time to sit here and blather about whatever comes to mind, or perhaps the fucking obsession which continues to take its toll on my brain. Even after nearly twenty years, the sight of certain physical traits pulls me away from whatever I may be doing no matter how important the activity. You have seen the results with my gushing endlessly about the dreams and their ongoing effects. The fact is the obsession flared back in fifteen so badly that I very nearly lost my mind. Not to mention my job; home; everything. However I came out the other side of that situation, I still appreciate it. That is a major positive because I actually learned to sit still and maintain this semblance of a lifestyle rather than trying to run after a wondrous draw. I know in advance that the situation will go south, so I just sit here and dream about whatever the latest interest is and why. I mentioned Bailey up the page because the lines appeared a few times in the past and drove me insane, so much so that I wanted to go find lines that I could see up close, like the gray pants on the boulevard. They related to Bailey’s appearance quite a bit, yet inside my head was a massive red line that kept me in the car and making tracks for home. That is when the pain began. I yearned to see her lines up close. I yearned so badly that for several seconds I had to regain my mental composure in order to go two more blocks to my driveway. I can still see her gait because I am insane over her appearance and still don’t know why. And now there is Bailey again in a pair or jeans. The damaging dreams, Bailey’s character and the girl in the gray pants all have a few traits in common, and as much as I would like those traits to be a part of the reason I am so crazy over this, the truth is they did not exist in my head decades ago when this obsession began to develop. I did not see everything in a similar light, either, but I don’t think enough of the root situation has changed to explain why. All I know is that the pain inside over seeing something like the girl in the gray pants leaves me depressed and nearly suicidal more often than not. 0658 on Sunday morning. Oh, yesterday is in the past but it needs to be pushed further back. I went to the yearly gathering over the hill due to being talked into it and had a nice time. Upon returning, the relaxation set in and I eventually made some nice dinner. Those are the upsides. The other part of the day is something I should not mention, so I will simply state that it angered me and even all these hours later I can’t seem to relieve the feelings. Today is going to be very nice with the football game, my quiet hours and some of my favorite foods. I’ll have to fully embrace everything in order to help yesterday’s shit to disappear as much as possible. I don’t want to end up in a bad mood again due to external stimuli. I already have enough reasons to be pissed off all the time without anyone adding more explosives to the top of the pile. This must be a day in which I rise from yesterday’s shit and move forward in whatever manner feels best. I have my usual things to do, plus the garbage and football game. Hopefully, those are enough. This office is going to be amazing (already is, in some ways). My control center of the past, but expanded. I received word yesterday that the machine has already shipped, and that after being informed that the date of completion would be more than a week out. This is excellent. Unfortunately, the third display is not scheduled to arrive until the beginning of March. I’m glad there are already two on the table or I’d have a much more difficult time waiting. Everything else is in place, too. This space is going to be similar to what it was to me in fifteen when shit went really sideways and I was in pain much of the time. Between work and the obsession, I had been in a pretty bad fucking mood for a long time. Throw failing, foiled, failed fantasy (however it should be categorized at this point) and the office became the only place where I could deeply explore or simply lash out. No one wanted to be near this room when I was angry, believe me, and I plan to develop such a mood again should the need arise. I have the same speaker system and better displays, not to mention the new computer itself being much more powerful than the one I am operating right now. My sanctuary shall return soon. I am already in a shitty mood this morning. Yesterday was just too much. Nothing of the sort will be allowed to continue because I’ve had enough, honestly. More anger is going to gum up the works of my plans for later. Even though I was mostly derailed for a few hours yesterday, I still cared for everything necessary for my peace of mind. Today? I can go a bit further and try to keep the explosive temper reined in. I have to hold it close and dream of niceties.
Thoughts of the past – as in my descriptions of the forest-type of mindset and thinking or the idea of breaking away from the herd – always come to mind when my mood is negative, much like this morning. They relate to the old office setup more than any other aspect of this house, too. When I first sat here more than a week ago, all of those years of gazing out the east-facing glass door from on high returned almost instantly. This is the longest I’ve lived in any single location, and those years of being on the third floor are still prevalent. Negative thinking and harsh opinions pervaded my mind during that time for more reasons than I would care to tally right now. I still carry much of the same, yet the last year (believe it or not) has shown me something worse than a healthy and decades-long hatred for the mass of society. It has driven my head toward the obsession and away from the searing words of my time on the third floor. Driving by that girl the other day made me sad and angry, desperate and full of desire. I needed to see so badly that my eyes darted all over the place before I was able to clear my head enough for the short drive the rest of the way home. Thank Christ I was only two blocks from here. I wanted to see her more than anything in the world. And I mean ANYTHING. I actually wanted much more than that, but going further from the lines and into other territory is no longer necessary here. There is a powerful reason for my need to go further. It is due to ‘knowing’ that the lines are in there and they align with my brain’s need to map everything, plus the idea of the failed fantasy and everything therein being possible again at the same time. I am not going to make this description easy, either. Live with it. What I need is often stated as impossible because I’ve connected two dreams on a few occasions in the past but have recently learned that there is nothing in existence more powerful or more capable of calming the cyclone of desire in my head. Or? Eliminating the storm entirely. All that shit went through my head when I saw her gait. All of it. The ones on the television are vastly different due to being both fictional and somewhat ‘unreal’. Right before my eyes is another story. Everything seems possible for a split second until I realize it is not, and then the shit sets in and destroys my day. The obsession has superseded the hatred. This is not good by any means, but it will not go away no matter what I do. This office is going to be wondrous. The girl on the street and Bailey’s character both relate to the other one... The subject of the dreams. I am going to have a tough time keeping my head away from that fucking vision the other day. No, not the gray pants, the one closer to my eyes. I still can’t believe what I saw. The gray pants only worsened the storm and forced me to fight my way back to a normal day. The relationship between all three is not something I can reveal here, but suffice to say such a connection is perfectly natural, even understandable. And yes, I am prepared for the possibility that I’ve become so twisted that what may seem understandable to me is far from typical societal standards and morals. Nothing surprises me anymore, not even the realization that I have steadily worsened over the years. God damn, what I would give to see everything. Well, everything. I am completely fucked up. This direction must change or today will end up like yesterday. What a galactic waste of time it was. I simply can’t have that shit again. 0839 means the last cup of coffee is next to me. The show is still running on the second display but I am not paying that much attention due to my head being all sideways over the obsession and the failed (used to be failing) fantasy. There are other reasons, but again... I can’t say. The game begins in less than an hour, meaning I’ll have to leave the office and do some housework very soon, likely once my coffee is gone. God damn it, there she is again. I have so many needs right now that I don’t even know where to begin. Ugh. Hopefully, the housework will help my mind relax. The idiot townspeople finally gained access to the guns, but because they were stupid, much of the ammunition was blown away prior to leaving the police station. Dumb fucks. Whatever. The writing for seasons six and seven is questionable at best. I don’t enjoy feeling this way, all full of turmoil and discomfort. The mood occurs every few days or so and leaves me feeling as if nothing is worthwhile anymore and the only way to cease the difficulty is to permanently remove it. Such thinking is dire and about as bad as it gets. I’ll have to push pretty fucking hard to keep my brain out of the black today. Yesterday definitely angered me despite the many distractions (there was even a woman at the event dressed as a barmaid from the eighteen hundreds with one of the shortest dresses ever, plus lines all over her thighs) and I do not want a repeat. The game will help, as will the typical Sunday business. There is one major positive that I need to keep in mind, as well. That is the idea that the beginning of the year used to be very depressing and dark, whereas now that I do not need to work, the period has improved markedly in my head. Being home these days is a huge plus as long as I can remain mindful of such an advantage. The turmoil combined with full-time work was really troubling, even more than these mornings. I can’t do much about the discomfort, though. It is physiological and permanent. And? Everything is related. Oh, mama... This girl on the screen who first appears in the sixth season... God damn, what an alluring, gorgeous example of the obsession. She looks different to me now than a few years ago. Just another supporting fact that the obsession has spiraled out of control during the last year. Well, since the first damaging dream last May, anyway. I am going insane. The two batteries in this laptop have been cycled for more than five years and their life is waning. Believe it or not, when I first received this machine, a full charge meant more than twenty hours of life. Now? The duration before it needs to be plugged in has been reduced to six hours or so. The desktop computer could not be coming at a better time. I am thankful. 0942. The coffee is gone and the vampires remain. I’ll be into the housework very soon. And the sun is actually shining this morning. I believe this break in the rain will be short-lived, however. I am looking forward to caring for the house during the game because being here can be comforting even when I have to shove the obsession and all related aspects to the rear. Part of the problem is the past. There are so many memories of situations that seemed unreal at the time, and now they appear as nothing more than fictional aspects of a life I never achieved. Such a fact weighs upon my head each day and makes even the simplest task seem overwhelming. My head is very sideways this morning for reasons I cannot go into right now. Some of them have been driven by the obsession while others have come about since the first dream last year. I can’t stop seeing those dreams, nor have I been able to extricate the visions from Christmas weekend and shortly thereafter. Those two sights have filled me with more desire than I had ever thought possible. Not good. Not only is no one listening, but there is also not a fucking thing I can do to ease this condition. Nothing... The word of my life. I want her more than I care to admit. That is fucking sad. 1154 on the same day, Sunday. I have the routine finished and some of the garbage, as well. I’ve been sneezing due to something that got to my nose, so I’m not going to have any of my favorite foods until it dissipates. No sense of taste equals no eating. But... Drinking? Oh, I’m already an hour into the booze. I need the edge removed via alcohol because otherwise I will do nothing more than sit here and obsess over the girl in the gray pants, the other girl, and the whole of my thinking. Watching this show in the past, I did not think much of Willa outside the scope of her character arc, but right now I would give everything to slather her tenderness with my tongue. Hours of it. Nice. Marvelous. Splendid. Anyway, my happiness has been ripped to shreds, burned to ash, and then buried with the dead. I am so pissed off right now that the rest of the day had better be pretty fucking satisfying. Ugh. I hate this shit. Devil may care? I don’t know.
0645 on Monday morning with coffee and my friends. I had to run outside first thing and move the garbage cans around. They both blew all over the place throughout the night as we’ve been nailed by yet another storm. I don’t know what the weather will be like for the daylight hours as of yet, though. A few hours ago the wind was raging. This morning’s business will be of the early variety, meaning I’ll have some nice quiet time in roughly an hour. I need it after the weekend, too. I really do. The morning business is finished and I have the rest of the day to myself. I am already having trouble keeping the difficulty at bay despite this office being so damned comfortable. I’ll have to remain vigilant. I am planning to visit the market later. Hopefully there is nothing troubling walking the aisles during the very short trip. I really don’t need to see anything more than the other day. Those gray pants are still haunting me and I can’t turn off the need to see everything, not to mention the lift that vision gave to the other girl. Don’t try to keep up, either. Save yourself and forget my shit. Anyway, I have the routine awaiting my time and then the trip to the store (maybe the other way around), and while home I am going to keep an eye on the weather. Jesus, Willa is fucking thin. Wow. So, I am mostly going to remain here and try to follow this crazy weather pattern while maintaining the house. Weather pattern? Also... A holding pattern. I am stagnant. Sarah’s sister is fucking awesome. 1112. Everything is finished and I have some laundry in the washer. The trip to the market was smooth as glass. Unfortunately, I will not be alone for much longer. That is no big deal, though, because the time and atmosphere will remain under my control. These days, nothing is more important. I need it. And speaking of time, I agreed to help at a job two days from now in the interest of putting a bit of cash in my pocket. In addition, the earlier part of the morning turned to shit, meaning I can only rise from here. Bailey’s thighs arrived later. I need to lick them after tracing her lines for an entire day. I think the rest of the day is going to be a bunch of relaxation and some nice food. My responsibilities are few, as well. I don’t need to do anything aside from that one load of wash. Tomorrow I have to venture to the big wine store for an order I placed this morning. I may head over to one of my favorite lunch spots after. It’s right down the block. The last time I was there was perhaps a month or so back, and I’ve been thinking about the comfort of that bar and the way it helps me to think. I guess all those years of sitting in Pleasanton on my off-Fridays with pencil and paper have remained inside me as a comfortable option away from home. I’ll pick up the booze and then maybe cruise over for lunch. I actually feel like going over there right now but I’d rather be there a tad earlier in order to avoid the riff raff. Heh. Tuesday morning. The power went off sometime around two this morning, meaning I am in survival and disaster mode. I just returned from the garage where I made coffee via the camping stove and a pour-over. My show is trying to stream via the cellular connection and is spotty at best. I have no worries about power, but without the wireless connection to the gateway, I may have trouble finding something which will run smoothly. We are likely to lose a few fresh items in the refrigerator, as well. The freezer in the garage held for more than two days during the last outage. It is typically pretty full. Between this machine and my phone, the morning should prove pretty relaxing. I need my devices, not to mention the nice, hot coffee. Oh, and without a cellular card in the laptop, I’ve been relegated to using the word processor for the time being. I have cloud access through the phone, but it’s busy right now. The power company is making repairs not far from here. I hope everything is restored soon. I don’t know what the rest of this day may hold. A trip to the big wine store is on tap, perhaps in an hour or so. Yikes, the keyboard is cold. I usually have this machine running on line voltage and it keeps my fingers warm while typing. The house is not very warm without the furnace in operation. Damn. I’ll take care of the routine soon, half before the drive and half after. Other than those tasks, I really don’t know what I’ll be doing around the house today. Everything rather depends upon the power situation. The coffee is very hot and in my Yeti. It’s very nice to have my morning drink. Not the booze, however. That comes later when the business is either complete or nearly so. 1146 is the time on the clock now. I went to the store after finishing my routine, and right in the middle of the work is when the power was restored. Unfortunately, the cable is still lacking a connection somewhere outside this house. I am still streaming the show on my phone and listening via the wireless MDRs. I fucking adore these headphones. There is a nice, cold glass of whiskey sitting to my right. Since the power is active, I am again charging this machine just in case. I also have one of the big batteries plugged into my toolbox power strip to fast charge throughout today. I need to remember that this situation is fluid, meaning everything needs to be ready should the neighborhood lose power again. My big Makita batteries are all fully energized and I have the phone charger which fits them right here next to me. One positive about the power situation and crazy weather is that necessities have pushed the obsession and related thinking to the rear of everything important for maintaining a quality of life in the house. I still picture the vision that took place last week, though. That one is going to stick with me for the long run. I would fucking die to go follow through with the way one of the damaging dreams relates to what took place in those few seconds when I gazed. God damn would I ever love it. I thought of the situation last night when the alluring Ashley was on my big television. That woman has a combination of features over which I have been absolutely crazy for several years. She is gorgeous beyond words and very unique. Maybe I haven’t been completely distracted. Laugh it up. Anyway, and on a humorous note, I keep thinking that I should search the Internet for the reason the Internet connection is unavailable. That is very funny and almost an oxymoron. As ridiculous as it may sound, laughing at my inability to easily ‘connect’ the idea of searching with the fact that the loss is the very reason I can’t search at all is another positive to this day. The desktop computer is ever closer to arriving. That machine has birthed more excitement than anything else in recent memory. I mentioned that sitting in the office after changing everything almost three years ago has been heartwarming. The notions involved in rebuilding my little control center with powerful speakers and three monitors have helped me get through all of the days since the first of the year. I am not kidding, either. The importance of this office faded in my mind for quite some time. Well, now it has returned with more power than when I first built the system more than ten years ago. The first time I felt empowered via a connection to the Internet which was more personal than just browsing or searching was when the site was born, and that was just shy of twenty-one years ago. The next little comfortable place was in the apartment on the third floor which succeeded the trailer. My house in the valley was the last venture which brought such comfort because my time in the cave was wrought with emotional trials and much turmoil. The office configuration in this house has changed just twice since first booting the computer when I moved in. This latest of changes has had an enormous impact on my comfort inside the home. I can’t say enough about how much of a plus the system will be, nor can I overstate the importance of having such a space tailored to my needs. There is a scene coming soon in which Rene questions Arlene’s fixation with doilies. The actor is playing a character with a Cajun accent, but Rene is not Cajun. He is putting on an act within the show. It’s difficult to explain unless you’ve seen this series. The point is, when he takes issue with Arlene, the dialog is fantastic, not to mention his acting ability. Not only that, but he just chased some assholes out of the restaurant because they were being very rude to a server. The way he does it makes me envy that sort of power. I could write volumes about the dialog in this program, especially the first three seasons.
The second display to my right is active, but with only one small window indicating network connectivity. I am keeping an eye on the status of the connection. The show is on my phone. When I look over to watch, my eyes instinctively move to the big display rather than the little phone screen. I have that window open to keep an eye on the network, yet my brain has not let go of the idea that the video should be up there. I have to say that there have been many humorous situations today because of the power outage and Internet loss. Both have been very entertaining. The title of this entry has to do with obsession, but it has been lost on the weather situation and my efforts to maintain comfort in light of difficulty. I see these events as either challenges or training tools, to be honest, and take pride in the fact that I am prepared for them much of the time. The network status window continues to draw my attention. That is funny. I suppose I've been spoiled by having access to everything for so long. Maybe this weather pattern and inherent troubles will help me to appreciate everything working properly. The time is now 1252 and the Internet is still down. I have a load of laundry in the dryer, too. I wanted to make sure to finish anything requiring power before the sun melts into the ocean. Judging by the forecast, I should be able to cook dinner without worry. I don’t know why so many people insist that lemonade is a great thirst quencher when it is actually full of acid and typically tempered by sugar. All lemonade will accomplish is making a person’s thirst increase. Drink water, for fuck’s sake. Just a thought. The keyboard is much warmer than early this morning. Lois Smith is annoying me again. There are a few downsides to watching this series, and she is one of them. I just have to live with it. Here I am at 1340 in the afternoon, nice and comfortable and still watching my show. The Internet connection is still unavailable. This situation is making me realize just how dependent on the media I have become since the outset of the pandemic. I am not surprised, though, because ever since the second show became so important to me (mostly the idea of those characters being more like friends and family than entertainment) I have embraced whatever programming has the ability to provide me with comfort in the home. The time is now 1436 and I just went through holy hell in order to play a disc from this machine. Damn, that was a pain in the ass. The ironic part is that playing a DVD would have been a lot easier with Internet access to locate the proper software because this machine lacks the same. Well, if the Internet connection was working, I never would have sought to play a fucking disc in the first place. Maybe I should be thankful the power is on before complaining about having everything I wish. The DVD playback is really choppy, too. I suppose it’s good that I mostly listen. My work day was just postponed to Friday. That’s great because the desktop system is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow, nearly a full week early. I can’t wait to set it up. The damaging dreams and subsequent visions have returned to me, damn it all. I am yearning in the worst way and can’t seem to keep the situation in hand. Some aspects of the world are most decidedly out of fucking reach. Crap on the whole thing, anyway. I need to move on because I’ve worked out the temporary media setup and am excited about receiving the new machine tomorrow. I’ll have to take a trip over the hill again for a pair of cables, perhaps after the routine. I am hoping that the delivery is nailed to a window so I can schedule my time. I want her so bad that there is pain in my head and heart. Yes, that bad. I poured myself an intermediate cocktail to help alleviate the difficulty. Splendid. She is sweet and kind and completely amazing. Her hair flows in the breeze and makes me dream of Ashley’s hair all over the place when we were together. The way her mouth moves when she speaks or smiles is completely mesmerizing. Sometimes she swings her arms to and fro while speaking in that adorable voice and the sight drives my mind into wishing I could grab her and run away forever. She exhibits a touch of the lower face trait that I have found stirring for many years. On those few occasions when she looked directly at my eyes, there was a massive earthquake inside me and a battle to maintain my composure. I cannot believe I feel this way at my age, let alone having been completely caught off-guard every single time I caught sight of her unique beauty. If I it was possible to make her into a machine, I could die five minutes later with zero regrets. The damaging dreams are an entirely different level, however, believe me. They are beyond comprehension and must remain under lock and key for the duration of my life. This could be the most troubling situation I’ve experienced in decades. No one is listening. No one is there. I am losing my mind. Earlier today I found much comfort in having some of my favorite media following along as I worked around the house and later sitting in the office. Those people and stories have become so important to me that they are serving as another example of the depth of my nature as being far out of balance. The dreams I mentioned above are another, different example. I don’t think my condition would be quite as bad had I not seen the vision last week, and the third damaging dream was directly related. It was so far beyond incredible that I can’t fully express the idea. To be completely honest, the first thoughts in my head when something like that takes place all relate to the ability to shut everything off, and I mean permanently. I’ve never felt so inclined to remove myself from the world as I do during those moments. I do not have the first damned clue as to how I’ve made it this far without completely losing my shit on someone. I know such behavior is unfair, yet the compulsion is there nonetheless. My obsession with the subject of the dreams is growing with each passing day and beyond my control. There have been a few situations that found me point blank in front of prime examples of my obsession and I eventually came out the other side breathing despite having lost all of them over time. This newest vision seems to be pushing more and more at my ability to remain upright in spite of the positives I’ve been experiencing recently. When I say ‘remove myself’, I mean that I have become desperate to alleviate the feelings, or at least shut off my senses so they can no longer affect me. My weakness is overwhelming at times, yet not enough for me to make a gigantic mistake in life. Yes, that means I’ve learned a few things. What it does not mean is that I am better for the education. I still want her more than anything in the world. Not good. Pause. 1652. Never in my life have I desired something so much. This is so bad that I don’t even know where to fucking start. I had considered the obsession completely out of control and debilitating seven fucking years ago, but now it is beyond even that connection. Believe me, the wonder I experienced back then was powerful. I was close to every aspect of beauty of which I had dreamed for over a decade, and I mean right before my very eyes. This is different and I cannot say why. I can say that my head could not have imagined something so strong developing during the current period. God fucking damn it do I ever need so see it all. Everything is right there and completely out of reach. Impossible is the most appropriate descriptor. I am fucked in the head. This day has not been bad despite the power and Internet becoming all fucked up. Nothing that can take place related to the house will compare to the condition of my mind. Sitting here typing is not going to change a damned thing, either. Nothing will. All I can do is go on breathing and doing my work while enjoying my friends and family on three televisions or the computer. She is a complete fantasy and cannot fix me. I keep wishing and wishing, though. I can’t help it. I completed my typical chores and finished some laundry while listening to media on the phone. I picked up the order at the wine store. I’ll begin to prepare dinner in less than half an hour. I’m sure it will turn out fine. I have the disc player temporarily hooked up to the home theatre system just in case the Internet does not return tonight. These are all good accomplishments that should leave me feeling satisfied with the hours behind. But no, they do not. Nothing has the power to calm the storm in my head, nor can any quiet time or activity keep me from feeling pain inside over her. The need is almost too much for me to go on. Yes, I meant that.
0645 on Wednesday morning. The main cable line to the Internet is still down. The problem is widespread, too. There has been no connection for more than an entire day, and I believe that means they are scrambling to repair everything so the customers are happy. I have the show on my phone again this morning. I don’t know the scope of the issue, although the update I received informed me that upwards of one thousand customers have been affected. That’s a big problem. For the time being, I’ll keep the phone on the charge and use it for entertainment. At least the power is on this morning. The morning business is complete and I am here for the duration. I may head over the hill at some point to grab a pair of cables required for my multiple monitors. Other than that, I plan to remain here so I can wait for the computer to arrive. I had a strange dream early this morning involving my delivery, likely because it’s been on my mind for weeks. I don’t recall details, though. There were other people, I was in a strange house, and the computer arrived all mounted inside a crate for protection. Very strange. Anyway, I’ll be waiting with baited breath for the arrival of the key component to my control center. Of course, the Internet connection would be nice right about now. Talk about impeccable timing... Geez. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. I need to see everything up close. I need it bad. Black pants. My head went south very quickly and I was reminded of the first time I glimpsed what had been going on inside. I did not see the lines as much as I’d hoped, though. The circumstances were not ideal, yet still there were curves previously unseen by me. Curves and softness. That was quite a while ago. The more recent visions had to do with other aspects of her body, the type about which I cannot stop daydreaming. First was the damage, and then so much in person that I lost my mind. The last, just over a week ago, was incredible and I am fucking dying to see everything. The need has never been direr than it is right at this very moment. I’m going crazy. I have to go through the motions today regardless of the shit storm in my brain and I don’t like one bit of it. My work must take priority and always does. I have half the routine finished. The other work can wait until my drink is gone and I feel like moving away from this machine. The weather outside is still very windy, but as of yet there has not been much rain. Not like two days ago, anyway. I still have my program running on the phone because the Internet connection remains dead. Thank goodness for the cellular connection. Without it, I’d be relegated to watching DVD programming and my collection leaves a bit to be desired. Perhaps when I had seemingly endless resources back in eleven, I should have purchased a few series’ in order to have them available during issue-laden storms like this. Another option is a SIM card for this computer. I must say that my dependence upon certain media during my hours alone has increased throughout the past three years in general, and since last December in particular. Good or bad, I know that I need to have something in the background or I become very uncomfortable. And I don’t give a shit, either. I will work to attain whatever makes me comfortable regardless of the cost or effort. I’ve come to realize that the quiet time at home with my friends and family on the television, phone or computer has become so important that without it I would be lost. Actually, I am already lost on more than one level. The media helps me to feel grounded. I believe this type of feeling began way back when we first hatched the idea of purchasing a trailer to live in and travel. That was twenty-five years ago this coming summer, honestly. We sat in a pizza parlor and discussed the idea on the heels of a trip across the country. I dreamed of having a very powerful laptop and the second show on DVD so I could watch whenever the mood struck. The entire works would have run me north of three grand back then, the laptop being defined as a ‘desktop replacement’ due to being very advanced and capable of everything a desktop machine could perform at the time, including media playback while other software ran in the background. Even all those years ago I knew I needed media to keep me company. The next occasion which found me considering how important the programs had become was when I worked to pack my belongings prior to moving out of the cave in twelve. The very last of the belongings to leave that home were the computer, speakers and discs I had been watching for months. I had movies playing in the living room all day, each day. I seem to have lost track of the topic again. Today has not been pleasant by any stretch of the word. The topic can take a flying leap. I am floored by how reliable the cellular connection has been throughout all these hours of streaming high-definition video. There is no way I can express how much I appreciate having the comfort of my friends next to me during the storms and other problems. 1206 is the time on the clock. I went to the smoke shop and goddess market for a few salad items that will go with dinner tonight and tomorrow. The store was virtually deserted, too. I was in and out in record time and then returned home to dive into my comfort for the afternoon. Lunch is in the oven. The weather is still very windy but not too rainy right now. I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new desktop computer. Unfortunately, the Internet connection is still offline. The vampires are again gracing my phone. The power must be maintained in order to minimize streaming issues. Well, this situation went from marginally bad to worse. The machine arrived and I began to get everything set up, but in order to complete the system configuration, the operating system needs to connect to the Internet. This is just peachy. The entire network is still inoperable; meaning my shiny new computer for which I’ve waited months cannot do anything. I ordered two of the adapter cables for the displays and they are scheduled to arrive this weekend. I guess I need not be in a hurry for them anymore because without the Internet, the displays are useless. All my excitement melted away within half a minute of turning on the power. The connection issue is beginning to get on my nerves. There is nothing I can do, though. I’ll just sit here and watch my show on the phone and type. So much for the control center. The time is now 1515 and the storm continues to dump rain at an alarming rate. Some of it is going absolutely sideways. I don’t know how long the Internet repair is going to take, but I am now two-plus days into watching media on the phone. The new computer is just sitting there with its power supply humming away as if the situation is fine. This just sucks out loud and right down to the ground. I can’t shut it off right now because it is part way through the initial setup and I don’t know what will happen if I kill the power. Moreover, the lights in the living room have been red and green since Thanksgiving and I can’t change the color back to white unless the bulbs can connect to the server. I know it sounds ridiculous, but those are the type I chose a few years ago. I will not throw money at the situation. I just have to wait this out. We are lucky that the data plan for the phones is unlimited. Speaking of power, I have all the emergency supplies in place just in case there is another outage. Last night I was watching a DVD through the home theatre system because nothing else was available. Tonight may be no different. Jesus holy fuck does Lizzy have one hell of a pair of breasts. Just a thought. I don’t like her character, though. She is not one of the supernaturals, yet a monster nonetheless. The worst kind, for sure. Seeing her in certain orientations does remind me of the visions, however. Eh, like I fucking need reminders. Anyway, I don’t see myself doing anything else today until the time comes to make some salad and the rest of dinner. I straightened the drafting table a bit and have one of my camera batteries charging so it can be stored, but anything further is just not blowing my skirt up this afternoon. The dim, peaceful evening should serve to be more relaxing than the rest of the day. Last night was really nice. Even if the grid fails again and I have to jump into action, I have methods for keeping the house rather comfortable. All of the contingencies are going to remain in place until the weather improves. I am obsessed beyond belief with something completely unattainable that causes pain inside. Two ways, really. The feelings are growing ever stronger and my preoccupation with her appearance haunts my thinking several hundred times per day. I don’t know what to do. I know of everything I can’t do. I just fucking need her. Help me."
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