December 19th, 2023 8:03am pst

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.


 read ( words)

"Wednesday. Sideways. 0817. Coffee.

‘When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel; building; creating.’

Thursday. Coffee. Sideways. My mind cannot deal with this situation for much longer.

Everything seems uninteresting anymore. I don’t know how I have completed work in the past, but I will say that the last couple of weeks have been very difficult, meaning when something needs to be completed for the day-to-day operation of the house, I have a hell of a time doing it. This morning I’ve had to force myself into finishing the routine and running a bit of laundry. Nothing I do in this house is arduous, and I have plenty of free time every day of the week. I have the freedom to have the morning cocktail, whatever I wish for lunch, and the option to go out whenever I desire, yet something is keeping me from appreciating the advantages of being home and on my own schedule. Along these lines, I received a call from one of my friends informing me that there is an opening at his workplace which could be mine if I wish. The first point that came to mind is that I would be working full-time and not home every day, that type of situation possibly crippling me very soon after accepting the position. I will say that the notion of having a steady income would eliminate many ongoing issues. There is no denying such a fact. The two downsides that I see right now are being required to alter my lifestyle for the work, and spending eight hours per weekday at a fucking university. Just think of what I have become, and then try to picture me strolling around a college campus. Think about that for a minute. I don’t know if I could survive that kind of situation. I am nearly one hundred percent against working over there.

Friday, 1051. Today is the eighth day of December. I have the routine out of the way and plenty of free time as the laundry runs. In a little while I will be half in the fucking bag because I see no reason to avoid anything that still has the ability to bring me a measure of joy. Do you have a better idea? I didn’t think so. Something knocked me all the way down last night – I can’t recall what it was; beauty or a memory – and my emotional state has yet to recover. Whatever took place really hit me hard, too, because the latent feelings will not let up for a second. Sadness is right behind everything I think or do today. This happens every day to be honest, but for whatever reason the feelings are stronger right now. One reason could be the holiday movies and the way they tend to conjure memories of the glow. Not a day goes by without me wishing to travel back in time. This is a very sad state of affairs. The little poem toward the end of the previous entry is weighing heavily on my mind. Holiday movies are tough sometimes, but the daydreams are much worse, believe me. Soon I will advance the media rotation from series number one to five, after which the third incarnation will roll around and put a very fine point on my need to find relief. I feel like drinking myself to death. Marvelous.

This is a bad time. A sad time. The worst part is I believe more than ever that my feelings don’t matter. Some have told me otherwise. Unfortunately, I can’t trust anyone. Their words could be self-serving and I may never know for sure. Call me what you will. This is the result of the second shit situation; I have been rendered incapable of believing what people say. Irreparable harm has been inflicted on my ability to trust. If you’d like more information on this topic, take issue with the source. You’ll have to die first because the source has left this world.

I suppose the expiration of hosting is a good thing right now because I am running out of things to say. And the main point is that whenever the mood strikes, I’ll be writing anyway, be it here on the machine or in the mobile environment. Publishing doesn’t really matter, much like the words. Hence, in two days when production crashes, I’ll be comfortable behind another wall. Today is Saturday. I have all the time in the world to do whatever seems best (or whatever I want). And do I have any ideas? Nope. This is a dead-end existence. All I do is help others and occasionally do a little something for myself. This is no way to live. Saturday used to be a big day. Now it is just like all the others. The only difference is the morning drive. I guess I’ll go through the motions today and then try to figure something out. When the coffee is gone, I shall get off my ass and away from the editor for a little while.

Uh oh... ‘Drink the wine’. There it is. And there was wine last night. Welcome to Sunday.

God damn was she ever cute. There was another, yet something stuck fear into me at seeing a certain facial expression. I was able to stare for quite some time because of the nature of the surrounding area, too. And boy did I daydream. I’ll have to leave out most of the details. No good will come of sharing that shit. In addition, I was loosened to the point of telling others that I would attend the game in that place. Well, that just is not going to happen because I need to remain here where I have more control over the environment and fewer distractions. I just have to stay home. There is no getting around it these days. That also means working at the school is out. I can’t be in that type of place for hours each day because I will completely lose my shit very quickly and end up dead sooner rather than later. Just imagine me walking all over a university campus. Think about it for a second and you’ll realize the issue. It’s a big one. Just last night I was drooling over one beauty, so calculate the sheer amount of possibilities at the school grounds and what would happen to me. Nope. I shouldn’t have been in that place last night. Maybe an hour or so. Longer visits always cause problems.

Beauty causes more problems. Speaking of beauty, Autumn is on the right-hand display yet again. She’s been in so many of these movies that I’ve lost track. Between her and Bethany, sometimes I can’t go five minutes without picturing all manner of dreamy thoughts. Some of them have been spelled out here. Appreciation, and the like. I am a basket case. One wish being fulfilled would make it all go away. Just one. Everything would change. The bad would disappear in an instant. And no, this is not to say that my wish has anything to do with those gorgeous women. Ugh. What I wouldn’t give to...

Please! Help me.


I still have coffee left, so once it’s gone I’ll probably begin my routine. Unlike yesterday, the Internet connection is operating normally. I had to resort to playing discs for a while rather than watching my typical media. The damned connection was dead for more than twelve hours; their estimate having been stated as less than three.


Turn the weapon on; turn the weapon off.


There is a big, fat, icy glass of bourbon – yes, the exact type of alcohol that occasionally fucks my head into the ground – and boy is it yummy. I have the house to myself for the next several hours, pizza has been ordered, and the game is on in less than half an hour. The rest of my business is underway and the routine has been completed. I will take care of the garbage business in and around the game, like always. The inside of my head is a violent sea of desperation and desire. I can’t fucking do anything about it, so I may as well be as comfortable as possible. Last night I pledged to be at the bar for today’s game but that shit went bad. I am glad I changed my mind. I can’t be out there among the beauty of the world. Closed doors, and all that shit. The doorstep is forever bright, and the world is unconscionable. Reprehensible. Closed doors... Definitely.

I can’t stop the weapon from being drawn. No, not that type of ‘drawn’. I am referring to graphics rendering. The other ‘drawn’ is completely different, believe me. Turn the weapon on; turn the weapon off. Either way, nothing will change, nor will anything matter. Nine weapons? Eight? I don’t remember. Whatever the case, all of them came in handy. On/off. Learn it. This is not the sort of Monday morning I had envisioned, although the recent idea bore a bit of fruit. I have all day to ponder all this shit, too. There is never enough time for analysis. Splendid. Today will fly by just like all the rest.

This woman on the display is so fucking gorgeous that I can no longer think clearly about what I wanted to put to the screen. Moreover, there was a preview for a new movie starring my favorite... Meghan. I’m going to lose my fucking mind. My words are going to lose sense, completely, very soon. I don’t know what else to do.

0927 on December the 11th. Today is the last day of the hosting, so this shit will not see production until such time as I can secure something. That may take some time, but at the same time I really don’t give a shit. I probably will not stop this process regardless of production being available or not. The local server (development) will always be here. Whatever. Today is a very mellow Monday and I plan to embrace whatever devices are necessary for comfort. The beauty does not let up, nor do the smiling faces and dreams of being exactly where I need. Since I can’t do anything about anything these days, comfort is everything. The rest of the world can fuck right the hell off. I don’t care. Moreover, I received an invitation to work for two days next week to help with trimming a few bathrooms in a very beautiful house. I don’t believe I can do it, however, because too much time away from home and my mental condition becomes very skewed and bad thoughts take over my mind. Not only that, but the house is the same one we visited last Christmas to scope the job and the woman living there is fucking gorgeous. I really don’t need any more shit in my brain right now. An entry published just under a year ago laid out the facts of me staring at her amazing lines and then trying to concentrate on the work. That was not easy for two reasons. First, she was a major distraction that basically ruined any chances of me actually working in that house, and second, the family living there was extremely well-off financially, something that always forces me to recall the past and my lack of caring when it came to planning for the future. I didn’t do anything more than live in the moment. My directionless ways led me to the place I inhabit right now. Of all the shit that has been inflicted upon me, the financial aspects are nearly all my own doing. Marvelous. Thus... I will not walk into that fucking house again, and I don’t give a blue fuck if anyone is disappointed. ‘Look out for number one’, and everything that goes along with it has become my lifestyle out of sheer necessity. I hadn’t been to the bar in months, and then one visit for a few hours and the beauty was right there. That is but one example of my downfall and the main reason I need to stay away from people. Bad things are going to happen no matter where I am, but being home seems to be the least powerful catalyst.

1102. The gardeners are here, bless their work. Cocktail time. And holy hell, Rebecca Dalton is gracing the right-hand display. Jesus... What I wouldn’t fucking give to show her the deep level of my appreciation for her being one of the most amazing genetic flukes. My tongue would come out of her slender nose. Damn. Never me.

Big fucking surprise, that one.

Now that the daily work is out of the way, I can focus my time on improvements, such as emptying the audio cabinet that has lived in the hallway for the last few years. It is full of books. Last month I secured a mass of boxes and plan to store everything elsewhere until the shed is built next spring. Another issue is the audio system I recently installed in the living room. For whatever reason, when the signal is switched to digital, the front channel outputs are reduced dramatically and the entire system output is out of balance. I don’t know why using an analog component in the signal path for only two channels is having such an effect upon the other four. I’ve tested everything and made it work, but the equalizer must be bypassed for the sound to be properly balanced. My options have become truncated to the point of considering swapping the current stack with the original receiver. I don’t like the idea very much, but the greater good (and some simplicity) must be served. The only way I can use the stack and enjoy all of the inherent flexibility is to operate the entire system exclusively in stereo. In such a case, three channels – the center and left/right surround drivers – will not operate. I went to great effort in wiring the speakers and making everything appear neat to simply let them sit unused. As I said, I don’t like it. Money aside, I do have the option of reverting the home theatre back to the way it was some days ago, and the idea is not entirely bad. The positives are a neater appearance, full digital surround at the touch of a button, and better connectivity for the disc player and other peripherals. God fucking hell is Rebecca ever driving me insane right now. This is surprising considering my deep love for dark hair. It just goes to show the massive importance of facial beauty. She is quite unique. Anyway, switching the stack for the original receiver is a simple affair, so perhaps I can work on it after lunch. I can also relocate the distribution amplifier to the garage and the streaming player just below the television. The process would eliminate several heavy cables from the living room and is something independent of the audio issues. I can’t stop staring at Rebecca’s huge eyes. Basket case. Um... Alcoholic basket case. Splendid.

If I had any fucking strength whatsoever, I would restrict my viewing to science fiction. These Christmas movies are very damaging, but at the same time I really love how positive they always end. Call them what you will, too. Go ahead. I realize the stories can be cheesy. However, any positivity, sweetness or joy in video media is more necessary now than ever before. When one considers the state of the world, my point is clear. The entire planet is in crisis. Embracing a sweet story for a couple of hours is more than worthwhile, and I am not speaking from a standpoint of beauty, either. The heart comes first.

Ugh. ‘The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife’.

Tuesday is here and I had to do the drive earlier. What a pain in the ass compared to Sunday mornings. I had to don the patience cap and bite my tongue for a while. Anyway, I am now here for the duration with coffee and a Christmas movie. Yes, I know. Don’t tell me I am damaging myself by watching all of the beauty splayed across the screen. I am looking forward to having much of the day to myself and plan to continue where I left off yesterday with the audio system. I pulled the stack and reinstalled the original receiver, and then yanked several cables out of the pass-through. Three of them were not even hooked up to anything and were probably left over from when I had a video game console. The distribution amplifier is now in the garage and the streaming player is perched atop the center speaker. The entire corner of the living room looks much neater, but the downside is I see this process as a defeat (for the time being). I may have gone backwards in time for the audio system, but that does not mean I want to go backwards with the work itself. I don’t like it. For the time being, however, I need everything to be operational via the remotes and without audio issues. After the beginning of next year, I will see what can be done for the longer term. Right now I just don’t know what to do about the interaction between the decoder and equalizer. I must learn.


Tuesday. Very interesting... The site is still live despite the hosting having expired two days ago. I guess they let it slide past the date for some reason. The domain registration goes on for weeks after expiration, but that is much more important. Once a registration is canceled, the domain becomes unlocked and available for someone else to purchase. Not good. Anyway, the server is still responding and it doesn’t matter. The keyboard(s) will continue to click regardless of where the information may go. Nothing ever changes. The time is 0813 and I am in the middle of the coffee time, after which I need to take a trip to the wine store and then market. The rest of the day doesn’t really matter because I don’t care. I’ll probably spend quite a bit of time sitting right here at the control center. My life does not amount to much anymore.

Weapon on; weapon off. Render everything; render nothing. Deresolution comes calling and I can’t resist opening the door. She loves me. Not ‘her’, though. The other one.


I successfully completed the shopping and filled the car with fuel on the way out of town. The only issues were inside my head. Nothing external caused a problem. As usual, arriving home felt wonderful, especially considering I restocked the bar and now have my devices in place. The garage is closed for the time being because I don’t want anyone approaching me while out there. Today is one of those in which I need to be isolated as much as possible. No communication; no appearances outside the walls or garage; nothing. I am a hole in the world. I believe the key advantage of being home all the time is that I need not connect with other people unless absolutely necessary, or if I choose to be sociable. Many years ago I dreamed of this type of situation, meaning full appreciation for the present must be embraced.

The daily routine ran a bit later than usual due to going out, but now that it is finished, I may or may not engage in any other housework. An abundance of strong, empty boxes means I can empty the audio cabinet that’s been in the hallway for years. Once finished, I’ll move it to the garage and consider other options for that piece of furniture. The scent of lunch is wafting from the kitchen and the house being this quiet is wonderful right now. I need it. The offer to help with some trim work early next week is still a consideration, although as the days approach, I may feel differently. Weapon: Drawn.

Redrawn? Maybe. I need the nailgun, not the railgun.

Wednesday. At 0908 I still have hot coffee left. I’ll work around the house when it is gone. Ashley Greene is on the display at the moment. Jesus. I’ve already gone into detail about her so nothing else is necessary. I always say the same shit anyway. No one cares. I am feeling worship of the highest order and for very bad reasons. There is very little ‘good’ anymore. I am unthrilled, to say the least. The knowledge that I’ve become so fucking heeled over does not feel good. The level of worship has become completely out of control and it will not stop growing. Everything is bad. My mental condition is so skewed that I don’t see a way back. This place is cold and lonely, yet moving to another locale and trying to avoid beauty would be too much for me at this point in life.

After realizing the stack had some sort of issue while the equalizer was active, I switched everything back to the way it was before and then relocated the distribution amplifier to the garage. The wiring is much neater. As for the stack, well... It is sitting idle on my workbench.

Friday, 0751. Yesterday was a bit productive, yet right now I don’t know what I did all day. Ashley Newbrough is over there to my right with her huge eyes and unrelenting jawline. She is fascinating to see. I do not worship her, though. Those feelings are reserved for a few others. Don’t get me wrong. There is still a deep desire to show her my appreciation for being a genetic fluke. My needs are well-known already. Anyway, I need to go to the market – possibly two, but no big deal – and the hardware store later this morning. I don’t usually visit the cheaper store, although I should more often to save money. Ashley is wearing red silk pajamas. Very nice. They match the Christmas theme. I can’t even get through three fucking sentences without being distracted by beauty. I have become so fucked up that even I can’t believe it. Wow. The hardware store is necessary for some ground wire so I can bond the garage and see if some of the line voltage noise can be eliminated. I have to maintain a decent pace with some projects because my life is otherwise meaningless. I am the champion of the housework and ensuring that everything is comfortable by evening, yet there are gaping holes inside me that are working to force my hand, meaning if I don’t keep up with certain aspects of this place, I’ll sit idle for too long and end up dead. That is not a fucking joke, either.

Yesterday I left the garage door closed for the duration. I usually have it down while doing laundry so I can enjoy the media out there without prying eyes interfering with my day, and yesterday was no different. The main issue is that I don’t want people approaching to say hello or anything else. When I stated that I wished to isolate myself more than in the past, I meant it. This house is closed for business, period. I am planning to follow suit today. Other people’s voices have been irritating and I do not like anyone questioning what I may be doing at a given time, such as the audio experiments. I needed to be left alone yesterday and decided to force the idea. The process will continue until such time as I feel I can be personable enough to avoid putting people off. I was unpleasant last night while in the midst of preparing dinner – one of those times when I am actually somewhat enjoying myself – when my neighbor knocked on the door to hand me a very nice bottle of vodka. I accepted it quickly and then left the area to continue my kitchen work. I don’t know how he may have reacted because I moved away prior to any words being uttered. I was curt, and for a second I actually felt bad. At the same time, however, I felt proud of myself for heading in a direction which has been avoided in the past because I am a nice person. The desire for others to be sociable is not their fault, nor is it a failing. It’s natural. Unfortunately, I must keep myself away from everything along those lines because if I am read, I’ll feel the worst effect of those situations, and I mean threatened. This is a direct result of shit situation number two. Not a soul alive right now is responsible for that crap, yet at times I need to demonstrate my frame of mind and condition. Shit situation number one is far worse and in my fucking head every day. I can’t do anything about it, so I may as well protect myself however I am able. Exercising the type of behavior described above is pretty much all I have anymore. I’ll get used to it, and hopefully others will, too.

And I still don’t understand why the world must be this way. I will probably never know. Marvelous.

0914. I am trying to decide whether or not to go shopping before or after the daily routine. Some fucking ad agency turned a composition from the Nutcracker Ballet into a rap song for a commercial. This is a clear, disrespectful example of the downfall of society. Anyway, when the coffee is gone I’ll try to work out my schedule (not that it ever matters very much).

The time is now 1055 and I visited one store. ‘Pants; pants; pants’. Marvelous. Splendid. Whatever. This is my fucking life, hence the massive glass of depressant sitting to my left. While in the garage for a smoke, I noticed my neighbor on the porch – with a knock – and proceeded to ensure I remained out of his field of view. Call me what you will; I don’t fucking care. I don’t want to be sociable right now and have no idea of how long this mood will last. If I could only achieve the true forest mindset many issues would simply melt away. Not THOSE issues, the others. All five-nine of Rachel Boston is in the current movie, bless her unique beauty. My feelings toward her don’t matter because I don’t matter. No one is listening anyway. Wow... Her fingers...


Perhaps I’ll empty the audio cabinet this morning. Once all the books are out, I can roll it to the garage and render the attic accessible once again. The books are probably going to live up there, so the entire operation is an end unto itself. Right now I need to sit here and think about everything. At least the daily routine is out of the way. I also plan to figure out a way to incorporate the newest equalizer into the garage audio system. I can use the old one for video media (a different curve), and the new one for music. I’d love to stack everything, but operating both receivers together may be tough. I’ll draw a flowchart when the project strikes me enough to get off my ass.

A Christmas card came in the mail yesterday. It has me at sixes and sevens, still. The issue is family, believe it or not. A printed photo was inside the card (my remaining family; sister and others) and as soon as I saw it, my head went back to a time when the entire family was together during the holidays, including those crazy parties thrown by some extended family members. Everything became splintered some years later, and now nearly everyone is gone. When combined with the glowing years, well... I probably don’t need to go into detail. I am not the only person that has lost relatives to the fate of time. I believe my age has caused me to look back more than I did in the past. And now...

My head is rather uneven due to the alcohol, and this means I have a three-way choice: I can either continue to consume because my brain has been unlocked enough to REALLY lash out at whomever is within earshot; I can back off, have something to eat, and then work on projects, or I can relegate myself to the pressures of being so unhappy and commit suicide in the backyard and end everything with which I’ve been fighting for too many years to count. YOU make the call. Or? I will make the call. Fuck off.

So much for that crap.

Saturday is here. I have coffee and the requisite Christmas movie flowing on the right-hand display.

I went with option two yesterday morning and ended up putting off my neighbor who came by for a visit. That was his mistake. With music somewhat blaring, I turned to holiday gift wrapping in the garage for a little while. By the second track, he strolled into my space, yet I did not move a muscle toward the volume knob. Nope. I left it loud and continued my work, all but ignoring his words. Within moments, the neighbor took off and asked if I’d be out there for a while. I don’t recall my answer, but suffice to say I was back in the house with the garage closed once again. People need to get the idea that I do not wish to be sociable, hear what anyone may have to say, or speak to the same. I’ve had enough of that shit for the rest of this year. I can only hope to be left alone. I am fucking sick and tired of being the ‘answer’ guy, fitting into some mold of what people think I am, and most of all people asking questions and then disregarding much of what I offer in return. That last part goes back so many years that I can barely recall the earliest occasions of not being taken seriously. Time will tell if my harsh methods bear fruit. Once the wrapping was finished, my day went precisely nowhere. Today? I am planning to do more. Oh, one other aspect of the garage yesterday was that I installed the new equalizer atop the audio stack. It is currently only one-way with regard to signal, but in the future I will try to expand upon the idea and make it something more. By the time I came back inside, my brain was computing additional floorstanding loudspeakers for both the living room AND garage. Fortunately, common sense soon took over and the idea went nowhere fast (thankfully). I am in no position to blow tons of money on anything right now.

Weapon number five... The nailgun. There is no sheathing that fucker.

I have to break free from the shit today or I’ll flip the fuck out. I simply must.

1130. Cocktail time. I indeed broke free. The audio cabinet is empty and resting in the garage. I’ve been thinking about that project for months and now it is out of the way. Moreover, the empty space left after moving the cabinet is directly below the attic access, meaning I can now bring the ladder into the house and store some long-term crap up there. Anything that cannot be affected by heat will be relocated a little at a time during Winter. I can also assess the tools and equipment left behind from my last work in the attic. I believe the ceiling fan and controller were the last projects, and they date back nearly three years. I know there is some ventilation material awaiting attention, as well. One thing at a time. As for the rest of my afternoon, I just don’t know. My head is conflicted right now. I will either accomplish more or turn into a worthless pile of shit. Roll the fucking dice.

And Sunday is here. The drive early this morning was uneventful, thankfully. I don’t need anything else in my head these days. The movies have been quite enough, and on two fronts. One is the issue of memory, and the other is obviously beauty. Speaking of memories, while mixing my coffee this morning, I recalled having breakfast with my grandfather decades ago near the airport. Our little conversation about ordering coffee in a restaurant is something that has stuck with me throughout all of the years. I don’t go out for breakfast anymore – in fact it has been over a year – but I always loved little coffee shops and the charm they hold; small, independent restaurants off the beaten path. Those times may be gone for good unless something dramatic changes in the future.

Today means the usual business and a football game later. I am still embracing the unsociable lifestyle, so I won’t be in the garage greeting anyone, nor will I respond to anything appearing on my phone.

The feeling was pure; natural, yet off kilter. I knew what was going on and can’t do anything about the reasons why such feelings came (or come) to pass. The timing is haphazard, as well. All I can do is live and expect such timing in the future. The lack of control over purity is nothing I’ve caused, either. This has become the way of things. Doctrine, if you will. This has also become the reason. I will not soon forget the purity. It will forget me. I desperately need someone to tell me why the world must be this way. This topic will be revisited and may actually require a separate entry in order to fully explore such a massive problem. To be continued at a later time.

1057. My daily routine is out of the way and I have a head start on the rest of the housework. Sunday business is generally completed in and around the football game, however today’s game is not for two hours. That means I’ll probably have everything done prior to kickoff. This is very good. As for right now, I have a fatass glass of whiskey to keep my nerves calm and the house is very quiet. I’ll have some hours to myself in a little while, too. Of all the shit I have to continue to plow, Sunday’s cocktail hour and business represents a respite. Even after more than three and a half years, the combination of a morning drink and kitchen work still brings me peace. Well, one of my shows in the background helps. I love those people. Installing a television in the kitchen that operates off an amplifier from the living room likely saved my fucking life. I am not kidding, either. My programs are THAT important. Along such lines, as I took breaks earlier this morning I crafted a plan for including the errant audio components in the garage system in order to more fully utilize the options of having more than one equalizer, most notably the fact that I need separate curves for television and music. I cleared part of the hickory top on my toolbox to create space for relocating the entire system. I will nickel and dime the process because it requires running cabling and speaker wires along the top plate. I am looking forward to removing the bar banner and setting up the components in their new home. In and around my garbage business, I’ll slowly move each unit to the wood top on my toolbox.


The weapon has been drawn. No, not a fucking illustration you idiots. I am referring to a render of something that has eluded me for fifty-six years. Well, the time has come. r_drawviewmodel.The number ‘one’ means ‘enable’. I’ve been enabled. So has the music of life (read: depression). This is how things begin to change; a change in attitude. The weather and season are following suit, or perhaps they are dictating the mood. No one knows because they are all fucking stupid and do not understand the definition of the word ‘important’. Believe it. You are a part of the problem.

Angry again.

Monday morning is here on the heels of a fairly relaxing evening. Trouble? What? You should already know. There is always going to be trouble in one fashion or another. Always. Past, present, future, whenever or wherever... Trouble will cross my vision and I’ll fall on my stupid face again. I don’t know of any other way to live and the process has become the way of things. Last night’s media was less than different until I switched to something more dramatic. Trouble. Always.

I just noticed that the site is finally unavailable, and after having run for seven days after expiration. God only knows if my content will be in production again in the future. No idea. And right now I couldn’t give less of a shit if anyone sees my words. I just don’t fucking care anymore. This process is for me and no one else. Years ago there was some entertainment value for a few individuals when I wrote about my trips to the goblet and elsewhere, but the bottom line is that I simply needed to get the information to the screen in order to better understand myself. Two years back, a very kind and caring person offered to help with the hosting renewal, and that gesture was very thoughtful. Unfortunately, I will no longer accept that type of assistance, the inclusion of the present ‘donate’ button notwithstanding. The site is going to be offline for quite a while.

The difficulty never stops. I feel it in one form or another every damned day. Either something comes along to trigger a memory, I see something special, or a smile on the right face illuminates the holes inside me. There may be no end to this, hence the rendering of weapons... All eight of them. This morning the focus has been on number five again because it’s just so fucking damaging, much like what I see from time to time. The rotation will continue depending upon the keystrokes.

1056. I finished the routine. The typical glass of depressant is next to me. I don’t know if there are enough stimulants in the world to assist this condition, so the opposite direction (easier and much more familiar) has been chosen once again. I see that the reindeer is still standing out there by the driveway despite lots of wind.

Yesterday after beginning to play music here in the office, my head went completely sideways and I headed to the closed garage to hear it louder and with much more depth. The doors remained closed throughout the afternoon and I worked diligently on routing wires and cabling to relocate the audio stack. I also came up with a plan to operate all five components without the system becoming too complicated to set up for listening to music or video media. The wiring was tedious, but with the music of life blaring in the background, I managed to run most of it and consider future expansion at the same time. I may or may not venture out there to continue the project today. I have to think about how everything is connected and look toward the future like yesterday. The process is difficult because there is very little empty space around the perimeter of the garage. Eventually I’d like to remove one entire pantry and fit everything into the large cabinets, thus creating more space for some larger and more efficient loudspeakers. In the meantime, all I can do is rid the house and garage of unneeded crap and create empty space. I’d like to do a little each day and then at some point find a way of incorporating some equipment on which I’ve had my eyes for many years. I may have to stop streaming these movies during the Christmas season because I’ve been imagining all sorts of deviant and destructive situations involving some of the characters. Not good. Anyway, a similar idea came about for the living room due to all my recent audio experiments. I may actually extricate the small surround drivers in favor of a single pair of more decorative and sizable floorstanding loudspeakers. I need to think about such a change because the living room has enjoyed fewer items taking up floor space for many years and I don’t wish to clog the area like I did in the past. As I said, much consideration of the overall appearance of that part of the house. The garage is another story because aside from money, I literally have full control over what takes place out there. The only caveats are access to the refrigerator, pantries and laundry area. They are important enough for me to work around. If the trouble in my mind comes to a head, though, shit will bow to the need for a more powerful and dramatic audio system. To some, the idea is frightening, but to me it is a natural personality extension. Time will tell.

Years ago I closed many entries with the phrase ‘she is out there’. I was referring to my years-long, seemingly endless, fruitless search for ‘her’. Yesterday I had a thought that what I may be seeking is the right ‘face’ combined with thoughts and considerations to which I’ve been exposed in the past. The whole fucking idea is so much of a stretch that when I see something special, the only result is depression rather than optimism. The only thing in the world about which I am optimistic anymore is the eventual transformation of my garage into the place I need it to be. That is fucking sad. What’s worse is that I will never stop searching. At least I already know that ‘she’ cannot really exist. I am so fucked in the head that I could sit here for twenty fucking years and never get the point across. Not fully, anyway. No one will ever get it, nothing good will happen, and I’ll end up accomplishing nothing more than repeating myself without end. She is not out there. Nothing is out there except reality, and those two situations from the past have permanently and irreparably damaged my ability to connect with the same. This is very sad, yet I rarely feel much sadness. I feel more anger than anything else.

Tuesday is here. Does the changing of the calendar matter anymore? Every single day is the same unless I have reason to leave the house. The difference in those cases is minimal. I have become boiled down; reduced like Satan’s own au jus. Oh, I’ve said that so many times that the phrase has lost all meaning. None of this shit matters, anyway. I am speaking to a keyboard and screen. Not a person.

The purity and wonder returned for a short time last night. A very short time. I am at the mercy of such feelings because as soon as I notice the beauty, a ton of memories flood me and cause much sadness. I remember when the norm was very different than it is lately. There is probably nothing I can do about it, either. The feelings are nothing more than additional difficulties piled atop everything else that’s negative these days, and in some ways much worse. The purity and wonder returned for a short time last night. A very short time. I am at the mercy of such feelings because as soon as I notice the beauty, a ton of memories flood me and cause much sadness. I remember when the norm was very different than it is lately. There is probably nothing I can do about it, either. The feelings are nothing more than additional difficulties piled atop everything else that’s negative these days, and in some ways much worse. There is a shitload of emotions attached to what happened. By the time the next day rolls around, my head is awash with imagery from the past and I end up even worse off than after first realizing there is something special going on. I have discussed such feelings at length some years ago, yet to find the right type of understanding is nearly impossible. I can’t fight the massive waves of societal pressure. At least I noticed and thought about it for a little while before life took over and sent me in another direction.

Paramedics just arrived a few homes east of this location. Damn. I hope it’s nothing serious. Ah, shit... There is an ambulance now. Fuck.

Purity. Wonder. Yes, I realize I’ve stated everything already, but trust me when I say that my heart is breaking and shoving this information out of my brain in favor of something else is very difficult. The worst part is when I learn that some aspects of life right now are going away, my reaction is going to be very bad. Harsh. Unpleasant.

End of line."