April 8th, 2023 8:12am pdt

If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.




The Sinful Realm II

 read ( words)

"1032. I finished my daily routine and killed as many electrical items as possible, leaving this machine and my three displays live. I have the phone and wireless MDRs fully charged just in case the house loses power. I’ll be heading to the electronics store in a little under three hours. The garage is still completely closed and everything in the backyard is either put away or otherwise protected. I have things in good order to ride out the storm, and believe me, it’s raging out there. The only thing left to do is put the little television into a plastic bag just in case there is rain when I arrive at the store to drop it off. Water and electronic appliances? Not good bedfellows. Ah, fuck... Here is the scene upon which I comment often. Jamie’s eyes are huge and beautiful, not to mention her dark hair and the way it frames that face. The goddess of the universe. She is the highest echelon of beauty. I love her.

I don’t know what to write. The morning has been very depressing aside from my loving friends keeping me company while I took care of the housework. They never disappoint. I love them, too. I believe I recently mentioned that grandma’s television is her only source of video or music and the fact that my entertainment system is similar. I also brought up the fact that if any part of the system was to fail and leave me without a way to enjoy my friends, I’d have a replacement here and it would be hooked up and operational within two hours. That is not bullshit. When it comes to my comfort in life, I don’t fuck around no matter the cost. Alicia’s unparalleled breasts are going to be on the screen within the hour. Wow, she is unreal. Anyway, I took care of some extraneous items around the house yesterday, so perhaps other than my trip to the store later, I can take it easy and keep an eye on everything as the weather pounds the neighborhood. The storm systems have been on and off for more than two months now. I read that a good portion of the cause is the influence of what is referred to as the ‘La Nina’ effect. I don’t know much about how the interaction between the ocean temperature and jetstream causes such extreme weather, but since the beginning of the year there can be no denying the science. Martina is tall, dark and fucking stunning, yet there is always an underlying feeling that she could become frightening within seconds, if not less. Ooh-fa, what a woman. Where was I? Ah... I am looking forward to the coming months when the Pacific ocean is warmer and the weather tame. Lately, I’ve had a difficult time imagining warm temperatures and sunshine for days on end. The biggest positive to the weather improving is the rebuilding of our patio cover and roof replacement. I’ve been waiting since fall, and seeing as how the wind has removed two more sections of the existing cover, the process of having something up there that can withstand this weather feels like a dream. My other dreams are all impossible. The patio cover will come true.

I am not proud of the way I think these days. Not a bit. My sense of things has become so fucking skewed that I’d be scared to death to share it with anyone, even a therapist. There are two specific aspects of my mindset which cannot be explored here at all. I don’t want to be blasted. The dancer on the screen during this section of the episode is unbelievable. She could not be described effectively no matter my vocabulary. I’ve seen her up there for many years, too, so one would believe that I could craft a descriptive essay just like those I attempted in the past. Nope. As I said, my sense of beauty has become so distorted that trying to convey my feelings has become impossible. I want Jamie to hold me like in the dreams and tell me that everything will be alright. The dancer? I want to demonstrate appreciation. Trust me, my thinking when I see that model is deviant. Respectful, but deviant. Such is me.

The sinful realm of the damaging dreams is something that has plagued my mind for nearly a year, and I did not ask for this. The dreams came about due to feeling so fucking desperate along with a combination of changing views and taste. The whole shitaree was completely unexpected and hit me upside the head like a massive wrecking ball. Wow, the wind is out of control again. Anyway, the morsel from the damaging dreams continues to pull at my senses despite not being within view for quite some time. I’ve seen plenty; enough for a lifetime. The festival last fall demonstrated and defined my altered mindset and left me yearning for a few aspects of life that cannot be attained no matter what takes place in the future. Sinful. This is bad enough to drive me toward speaking with someone in the hopes that they can help to put such crap in perspective. I’ve been rationalizing for months.

Maybe I will leave early and drive to one of my favorite spots for a quiet, fulfilling lunch. And the time has come to switch from video media to music. We go...

Maybe not. Well, not yet, anyway. No music for the time being. I will fall off the edge of the world.

When I picture her adorable smile, my brain moves toward her tenderness and I want to show her just how much physical desire has been swirling inside me for years. Respectful, gentle and loving desire, that is. I would never push, nor have I EVER pushed during such moments. Never. I do not fucking think that way. The morsel is not an ‘object’. She is a person. She just happens to be more desirable than nearly anyone who has crossed my vision since the artwork at the pool more than three years ago. Well, there had been another, but that went south because of my brain. The morsel is key right now and thinking of her is not good on any level. I desperately need her to look into my eyes while I express how I feel. This is bad. Sinful, to be honest. I wish I could go into detail. I also wish I had the opportunity to see her in detail. Everything, from her flowing hair all the way down to that place I need so desperately to reside. Paint a fucking picture. I do every day. I have nothing else. Sometimes I can't get her beauty out of my head for a second.

1453. I went to take care of the television repair and they basically refunded the purchase price. The downside is there was not another of the same model in stock, so I returned home to order the damned thing. The entire process is finished so I can relax for a while.

Wednesday morning. I have a little more time than usual due to no early business. This is good because after yesterday morning I really have a lot to think about. That was tough and I carried the depressing considerations with me for the entire day. The television situation did not seem very important in comparison to me trying to live through the hours without losing my shit again. By evening, I simply moved forward with dinner preparations and relaxed a bit. Yesterday morning now stands as indicative of much of last year’s trouble. I learned a few things that are being held against me by life itself. And now there is Kelly. Shit. I don’t need to see her right now. Anyway, last year is becoming a defining part of everything and I need to learn more. I have to understand if what is happening can be attributed to something of which I am not aware, or maybe some errant, subconscious behavior. Perhaps I’ve embraced one too many questionable situations in the past. Running after whatever, right? The Raven? Vegas? Paying the tab... AGAIN? What about the Amish girl? Do you remember that one? Could she be the answer? I don’t know, but one thing I will say is that this period is becoming more and more difficult to consider when held against other years. After so much writing throughout more than three years, I may not seem to be worse, but believe me, I am torn up inside. I can only say so much here. I need to understand more.

But I can’t.

People are driving to work. I am not. I can sit here for quite a while before anything presses for my attention. Only one aspect of the present tends to pull my attention anyway, and the odds are slim that something will take place to send me flying. Most of the time there is nothing to worry about. Visions are rare. Right now I can’t even imagine going out there and driving to a place of work. The process would restrict my vision, though, and that’s not a bad thing at this point in time. I don’t know if working would be worth the change, however, because being away from home carries its own share of potential troubles. I’ll just sit here and watch others go about their business while I try to work on myself. I’m scared of the world, anyway. Best I remain away from everything for the rest of my life, and that definitely includes beauty. You know... THAT type of beauty. Hours from now I’ll probably see those vehicles heading in the opposite direction.



05

I wish those dreams had never entered my head, damn it. They’ve really fucked up the way I think. There is no going back to the way my brain operated prior to last year because the ideas and images are already piled up and shoved into special places. I can’t remove them, nor can I erase what I’ve seen right before my desperate eyes. The third was the toughest, and don’t even get me going on the one which had her and me holding hands as we sat very close. Oh, and the other one when I felt as if everything was finally going to be ok. Nothing physical was present, nor were there any obsessive components to that dream. I just felt that I would survive because of her. That type of thing is very bad for me right now because I have a difficult enough time considering reality in the first place, and to show me something that is impossible only increases the likelihood that I’ll lose myself completely. And yes, I realize I’ve been going in circles with this crap, but the truth is I don’t have answers so reaching is nearly constant. That, and I have a hell of a lot of time to think about everything. The most fascinating and stirring parts of life are commanding my attention most days. The dreams are perched at the top of that mountain, too. They will not leave me because there is nothing in the world that I want more. While there are several different people of whom I dream every day, each is for a different reason and the one key figure is the subject of those fucking dreams. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. I just viewed one of the best examples of the sheer size of Jamie’s beautiful eyes. God damn do I ever need her to hold me this morning. I am fucked up. Anyway, had I not experienced the first striking dream of that girl, much of the last several months would likely have been easier to take and not quite as depressing. I can only wish.

0844. I need to get up and move around for a while. I’ll be making some pancakes in about an hour, plus I need to keep an eye on the tracking for the little television. I may end up driving the fucker to the City this afternoon or early evening. Whatever. I don’t care. If I go, it means less time sitting on my sorry ass wondering what the hell to do in life. I’ll be working on my little routine very soon, as well. That means my show and some comfort. It also means booze.

1150. My daily routine is finished, albeit a tad later than usual due to my not spending the morning alone on a weekday. The weather outside is very dark and rainy, especially at this very moment. The rain is heavy right now. Pretty cool. The morning cocktail has been consumed and I am considering a nice, cold glass of the foggy blue to keep me company as I sit here and wallow. Woe is me, to be honest. And yes, I realize such a phrase has been overused throughout history. I do not have more difficulties than anyone else, but at the same time I can only comment upon my situation. I have neither the time nor the inclination to analyze and solve the issues other people may be carrying. I must work within myself.

Thursday morning. More bad news. Development just up the highway. I guess the bowling alley that has been a part of this town is going to close after six decades. That will pave the way for more housing. Splendid. Progress continues to roll over people. The change means more will move here, they’ll have children, and then the whole shitaree will repeat with less air to breathe and less room to move. Whatever. Fuck this process, anyway.

0803. I am on my second cup of coffee with the editor to the left and my program to the right. The morning is nice and quiet, too. I need this for a little while.

And now I’ve arrived on Friday morning after an eventful Thursday. After my routine and some grocery shopping, I decided to work on the bike. A little time and engineering later and I was able to pull the engine and leave it perched on the workbench. Now I have both engines standing on the bench for comparison before we go further with the project. The frame and some other parts need a thorough cleaning prior to building. I am looking forward to installing the new engine and beginning the process of getting the bike together. We had a bit of a meeting yesterday afternoon and worked out some details. The engines are different enough to require some additional parts.

0854. I have the last of the coffee and my program on the right-hand display. I’ll be working on my daily routine soon and then take care of the dry cleaning while continuing on the bike project.

1521 and I decided to get off my feet for a while after cleaning the frame for the last few hours. Ooh-fa, that is not easy. At least it’s in much better shape than yesterday at this time.

I’ve not written very much during the last few days because the preoccupation of the bike and my sense of loss has become overwhelming. The condition precludes sitting here comfortably writing.

Sunday morning.

Tank top. Bare shoulders. Hair flowing and breasts right there on display. I lost myself for a few minutes. No thinking at all. The only possible process was dreaming of the soft, warm objects inside that black shirt and the depth of my feelings toward all of her. I’d give a lot just to make her smile for ten seconds because I’ve seen it. Her smile is real. It’s genuine. She has smiled at me many times throughout quite a while, yet the last few have caused my heart to skip and/or become haphazard. Believe me, I am not referring to breasts. I mean all of her... From the smile to the voice. This has been nearly a year-long process and it continues to worsen with the passage of time. The dreams caused all sorts of problems, but they were only the beginning. At some point my heart became involved and nearly all of the physical desire went flying out the window. Now it has returned in full force and taken me off my feet for the tenth time. The vision of her standing there in that fucking tank is going to haunt me for a long time. I have never wanted anything so badly. More and more with each passing day, and sometimes I am fortunate enough to see something and the desire is amplified accordingly. My head begins to manufacture more impossible situations and I end up lost and angry once again. This is going to continue because those two difficult entries pretty much outlined and defined everything within me. I’ve been broken down to the minimum. The rare occasion when I am not actually thinking about her or dreaming of being where I need to be, my mind finds the ability to let me work around the house with few distractions. Oh, there are the visions on the screen or this-and-that which pops into mind from time to time, but overall I need to wait for the openings in my desperate life to avoid building those impossible situations. This morning? I again must await everything inside being calmed enough for me to think clearly. Right now I keep seeing her tank top and smile, meaning I cannot be effective in my work until it stops. Keep in mind I am avoiding the subject of pants. On only one occasion have the two been combined, and believe me when I say that my mind turned to mud at the sight regardless of the fact that I had to talk to her. I’ve not felt this much desire since the girl at the pool. She is gone forever, whereas this other one continues to appear.

Here comes the sun. Time to close the blinds for a little while.

Trust me, none of this is good. The realm has taken over my thinking often enough for me to realize that the condition may be permanent. Last year at the festival forced me to see things differently and I fell down after connecting that occasion with the dreams. And then it worsened. Far from home; close to home. None of that matters. The more I think about her, the more I want her, and then my ability to function like a real grown-up type of person diminishes. Wow... Jesus fucking hell is this girl on Tony’s arm ever adorable. I’d love to show her just how much I appreciate her beauty. Ugh. Anyway, the realm has been in the background for some time but has returned in full force to take over my days and leave me feeling lost and full of loss. This began again last night during one of my favorite movies and followed me to bed. The entire situation of my living condition has gone downhill in the last twelve hours... More than the previous occasion when I lost my shit. There is less inside me right now than twenty-four hours ago. The realm is ruining me and whatever semblance of a future I may have had without it.



06

Sunday means some of my typical routine business and then garbage. I also want to straighten my garage some because the bike project has become spread out quite a bit. I have to maintain order because once the engine is finished, I’ll be reassembling the entire machine. That brings up the idea that the engine is not ready and I don’t believe I mentioned the reason. One of the exhaust ports needs to be welded and machined before the engine can be mounted to the frame. That is going to take a while, possibly some weeks. So, in the meantime I can organize everything and do some work on the old engine. Today being Sunday means whatever can go out the door probably will do just that. I also wish to move a few things around so my work area is more accessible. I have thus far kept the floor in good shape during the teardown and cleaning. That is good. And since the mood inside my head is diminishing due to the dreams and the realm, I may as well take advantage and toss more stuff into the trash. Right now I just don’t care. I’ll feel a little better at the end of the day if the gray can is stuffed full. My alone time is still a few hours away, but I am looking forward to the quiet and running today’s schedule in whatever manner I see fit. The environment bends to me or it is destroyed. I just hope her breasts don’t remain right behind my eyes like yesterday.

0859. My day will get underway in less than an hour. I have the last cup of coffee next to me and the show is still running, including the administrator on the screen with her very sizable, shapely breasts and just enough cleavage to appear wondrous. Wow, every time I see this episode I want to climb into her shirt and show her some affection. I’ll try to avoid going on about the other pair. Ugh. This condition has never been fun and continues to worsen. The realm is holding me hostage and no one is listening. Anyway, the daily routine should be straightforward and my garbage business shall be relaxing, as always. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy taking care of the Sunday chores. The remaining time today can head in whatever direction feels best. Hopefully it will be enough to keep my head out of that girl’s clothing. I can’t stop picturing her tank top and the multitude of ideas born of such a sight. Damn. Worship is unhealthy.

That fucking thing from last year is on my mind every day. I can’t help it because the worry it brought seems appropriate given my age. And then the other thing comes to mind – nothing I can describe in detail here, though – and I recall having a conversation about it some years ago. Both have been guiding my mood somewhat. I really don’t like this fucking situation at all. It was born of my thoughts from seventeen when I wrote that shitty entry, yet the truth is everything hit me harder last year due to the damaging dreams and the other crap I mentioned. I am in a position to do exactly nothing about any of it, too, and my typical reaction is to become angry. I am not the type of person to easily accept things I cannot change, and fuck you if you choose to quote that Goddamned serenity prayer. I do not go to meetings. That statement is not meant to be a joke. Ah... There is Nancy’s backup singer with her amazing form and flowing hair. Shit. The point to all this is that despite my concern over whatever seemed to have changed inside me last year, the damaging dreams and everything else are now related. I really wish someone was listening. I need to explore this further so there is a chance of understanding, and another mind may actually offer something I have yet to consider, if at all. I am full of pain and loss, yearning and confusion at times. As of yet, my desperation has not driven me to allow another person inside my head. I just don’t know if that will ever happen. Experience has taught me that a soul who cares for me will placate and minimize what I feel is very bad. I can’t have that. Wait... Does that mean I need someone to shove the hard truth down my throat? I honestly don’t know.

1211. My daily routine is out of the way and I have a bit of garbage business finished. The weather is sunny and fairly warm, so whatever I decide to do this afternoon should not be a problem. Everything appears to be positive right now, but believe me... The inside of my head is turning into a deserted wasteland of wishes and all things nonexistent.

Monday morning. 1035. My daily routine is out of the way and I printed labels to mail and track the tax documents. Very good. I have the big garage door closed this morning due to the wind. There is no rain, yet the gusts were affecting all the spread out crap in the garage. I’ll have to keep it closed for most of the day, I expect. Too bad. The typical fatass glass of whiskey is to my right just below the gangsters. This series may conclude today, so I’ll have to find something else very soon. Yesterday my mood began to diminish due to my discovery last year and the way it relates to multitudes of desire inside for the morsel and a few others. I do not seem to have an ‘out’ for the situation, and you may well know by now that I do not react well to anything I either cannot control or alleviate. I am still feeling the downward slide at this very moment, yet some aspects of my lifestyle require me to push through all the shit and take care of my daily business. The only saving grace lately seems to be the evening. God damn do I ever want to see Kelly on all fours sometimes. Jesus. Anyway, all sexual imagery aside, maintaining the house and my daily business must remain a priority. I can’t have the apple cart upended right now. The bottom line is since nothing else seems possible these days, I have to remain comfortable, and that means housework. I have not slacked thus far, either. The only time I put things aside in favor of taking it easy is when all of the issues come to a head. At that point I do nothing more than sit here and type. Seeing late sixth season Jamie eyes is not helping me, but then again, I can’t live without her on the screen. I love her so much that my mental and emotional stability come into question every fucking day. This is not normal, whatever that means. I have no idea, but the phrase seems to fit.

Tony asked AJ a question and he answered in the negative. I would have gone in the opposite direction, for sure. Nothing in this world is on a higher plane these days. Nothing. And? Let’s grab an updated count of that word, shall we? Let’s see...

4587. There are 4587 occurrences of the word 'nothing' within this site. Well, 4588 including the previous sentence. Wow. Am I negative much of the time?

The visions are sinful. They are the very definition of the word, really. I mentioned that I’d like to see Kelly on all fours, remember? She is not the only one. I need the other one in such a position so I can stare to my heart’s content. Other positions, too. Some of the imagery on the site has displayed the lines of my life and I need to see hers. I need it so badly that sometimes I can’t concentrate on anything, especially when certain things happen. The other day? Don’t fucking get me started. The tank top screamed at me so loudly that I couldn’t find a straight answer to any question. My head processed her chest and I lost all direction. The ‘all fours’ reference often cannot hold a candle to her breasts and my endless desire to see them in their natural state. God damn, this is going to continue pushing against my life until the guys with the butterfly nets arrive at the door. Sinful. The realm has gripped me and tightens every time something further enters my sorry, sordid and broken head. I am leaving out so many details that sometimes I go back to earlier entries and even I don’t know what the fuck I’ve said. This is ridiculous. I am fucked in the head. Some of it is my fault while some is that of other people, but the end result is the same... Completely fucked in the head. Does it even matter that others are partly at fault for this? I can’t do anything about my condition, nor can I take issue with people, so what fucking difference does it make that I arrived here? Shut up.

Jamie is so far beyond beautiful that I have not the words. I hate this. The fact that I feel love for a fictional character is crazy in general, and completely ridiculous in particular. The feelings are indicative of someone who cannot deal with reality. No shit.

I made a very nice dinner last night. Some dried mushrooms were rehydrated and turned into a sauce for steak and potato hash. The dish often ends up being a bit dry, so I wanted to add the sauce for some moisture and it worked out pretty well. The sauce is damned easy, too. A little onion and garlic sauteed for a while, and then the mushrooms and liquid are added. Salt, pepper and thyme round out the ingredients. All it does is sit on low heat to reduce for an hour or more and then the flavor just explodes. Good stuff. I am still on a learning curve for the cubed potatoes, though. Practice will help. If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be able to make delicious, balanced meals on my own, I would have scoffed. Now? I can cook, clean and prepare everything in good time and order without issue. I suppose I should be proud of learning so much, too. I guess there is a little of that, but underneath I know the truth. I work in the kitchen because it is comfortable and heartwarming thanks to the television I installed. The same goes for cleaning. My friends that I love dearly are always there for me. Wait... What? What will I do if the television dies or has some problem? Oh, don’t get me started. I’ll have another unit on the wall within two hours. My need for familiar video media has never been more powerful, cost be damned. And yes, I am still picturing that girl in multiple positions. Shoot me.



07

Wow, the wind is gusting quite a bit. If I decide to work on the bike today, I’ll have to do it with the door down. Geez. At least there is no sideways rain.

Tuesday morning, April third at 0824. Coffee, you know. I have the second wristwatch just about ready to go this morning. It should be picked up in a couple of hours. I need to take a trip to the smoke shop and goddess market for a few staples, too. Dry cleaning and bike work will round out my day, breaks notwithstanding. Yesterday was tough but I found a huge distraction in the form of a new series. Four episodes served to chew the afternoon, followed by a meeting and some work on the bike. I believe within a day or two I can install the new engine and its bracing, followed by a thorough cleaning of the transmission. That component needs to follow the engine due to the fact that it is the rear mount. My neighbor is out of town from today until Friday, meaning I can’t get to the swingarm until he finds replacement bushings. Just as the transmission serves as the rear engine mount, it also functions as the pivot point for the swingarm. One step leads to the next. At least the frame is nice and clean with new kickstand springs installed as well as the forward engine mount. I’m looking forward to the whole thing being on its wheels again. I didn’t accomplish much yesterday due to being thwarted by dreams of desire, so hopefully today I can make up for it. The goddess market may contain its namesake, but that will probably only make me angry rather than depressed.

1045. My routine is out of the way and the watch was picked up. Everything is on order this morning except for my fucking brain. At least I have a drink to keep my nerves from flaring. I will say that no matter how fucked up my head becomes sometimes, being home does help. I have more flexibility during weekdays right now than I have ever had before. Oh boy, there is Kelly again. God damn fucking shit hell, anyway... What I wouldn’t give to plant my lips to her delicate labia and remain there for an entire day. Fuck you. Shut up. This is what I am. Ugh. Where was I?

Doesn’t matter. None of this shit matters.

My head is sideways again. I have to fight it, though, because no matter how angry or desperate I may become, nothing can change. I’ll go on a tirade for a while and then emerge a few hours later in exactly the same situation. Is that learning? Doesn’t matter, once again. I believe I know what will be coming along at some point. Since I’ve spent nearly six years mulling over that fucking essay, the simple truth may be that at some point I will just give up completely. The only speed bump between the way I feel right now and the buffer stop at the end of the rails is the fact that the little enjoyments are still keeping me righted (more or less).

1222. I fueled the car and went to both stores without issue. The roads are pretty empty right now.

Oh, the visions. They were near, yet a million miles away. Near enough, though, to send my head into an abyss. I have no recourse nor options related to the visions. Nothing. I just have to sit here and think about everything. Or? Write about it in code.

0822 on Wednesday morning. I have my typical stuff around me right now. I also have a few things on the schedule for this day, such as shopping at the market and some housework beyond the routine. I just completed a health survey for a very large university which likely accomplished much for them, yet has also served to reinforce my mental and emotional difficulties. Sometimes I do not see everything as clearly as when there is a mirror in front of me. Splendid. This shit is further supported by a film I decided to watch last night from the late eighties. Ugh. The vision yesterday has been on my mind since it occurred and represents another fucking pillar holding up my condition. Last year things went sideways and they continue to remain as such. I am going to need to push pretty hard to get things done today. One of the questions within the survey asked if I have trouble with normal daily activities. There should have been one more answer choice, though. ‘Hell yes.’ Not funny. I am fucking tired of feeling this way. I am tired of such a lack of options. I am fucking sick of sitting here questioning everything and learning nothing. This is going to worsen over time. When my last cup of coffee is gone, I’ll do half the routine and then go shopping. Maybe I’ll feel better upon returning from the store.

1106. I showered, shopped and took care of my daily routine. The laundry can wait until the sun is a bit warmer today. While at the store, I ran into an acquaintance from the cave period, complete with greetings and hugs. I felt her oversized chest press against me and was reminded of seeing her back when I wanted badly to see those globes. She is very petite for such a large pair of breasts, too. Well, aside from that pair, she is nowhere near my type of woman and never has been. I am reminded of a phrase each time I see her, but I’d rather leave that alone here. I do not wish to be unkind. After one hell of a depressing morning, I really didn’t need to see those two objects. Anyway, the shopping is finished and my drink is keeping me company... The old-standard modified White Russian, just like in the past. I need something to calm my head every day because the alternative is permanent. Believe it. I remember, I envision, I dream, and then sit here and wonder why life must be as it is. Perhaps the better path was the conclusion I drew back in eighty. None of the other shit would have transpired. Everything is related.

Yes, the model displayed within this entry is the same as the last several that I have published because of her face. That is not to say that I don’t want to shove her entire body into my mouth for the rest of my life. Her face is the key. My life may have been over long ago. Oh Jamie, come here and save me... Please. Something has to happen, and soon. Eh... She can’t help.

1240. I took care of the sheets and have a load of laundry in the washer. I closed the big door because while out there I decided to blast music at an uncomfortable level. Sound pressure is the last bastion of my existence, meaning I need to embrace it every now and then just to feel like I am alive. Well, the scan-line interleave is helpful, too, yet no one talks about that one anymore. I think Nvidia changed it some years ago, anyway. Sound pressure waves will have to suffice until I come into an errant windfall or something. Should the fortunate happenstance actually occur, I shall disappear. Everything is already planned inside my head. Gone for good and still drawing breath.

I fell off a high cliff today. Recovery is not a consideration much of the time, meaning I have to force the fucking issue if I am to remain standing. I just don’t understand why the past year had to develop as it did. Am I paying the tab again? Still? There is no way of knowing because all that hocus pocus mumbo jumbo voodoo bullshit cannot be proven, nor can it be fully understood. Karma? That would be akin to paying for the past. I know not if such an invoice is real. I can’t know due to too many reasons to list. The fact is I fell down and am beginning to believe there is nothing I can do about such feelings. I’ve already stated that my brain has much difficulty processing those parts of life which are impossible, so when I do fall and feel that nothing can be done about it, anger is the only result.

Thursday, post routine. Cocktail. Dragons again (but they may not last the morning). I had a light snack just before the second half of my daily housework, so lunch will probably wait until after I do more work on the motorcycle.

Regarding yesterday’s fall, I blasted for a while and then calmed and went about my business as the clock rolled toward the evening. By dinner, much of the trouble had faded. This morning? Only a portion has returned because I am trying to guard against becoming overly angry and moving through the day in a negative manner. I need to work on a few things and none of it will go smoothly if my head is sideways. By the way, the word ‘sideways’ has a dual meaning. Sometimes it is related to the obsession and the ten thousand other issues rolled up into the same, while during others it is pure anger, raw and dangerous.



08

1253. Lunch time. Since the weather is warmer than it has been for some weeks, I ventured to the garage for some bike work. After organizing parts, tools and my thoughts, I took the initiative and dropped the new engine into the frame and secured it with all three mounts and a jack beneath for stability. The transmission will be a headache, I think. Due to years of neglect, it is completely filthy and difficult to clean. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fully prepare that component in good time and mate it to the engine, but that is a big step that I’d like to see completed before long. The engine was easy. Heh. The single heaviest part of the bike, and it was easy. I just saw Roxanne again and will refrain from gushing about her face. There are not enough words, anyway. Some time ago, I looked at several polls regarding who people considered to be the most attractive women on the show, and her name came up in most of the polls. I could never adequately describe how I feel about her appearance, anyway. Where was I prior to having been derailed by beauty for the thousandth time? Ah... The transmission. I will not fret about it. Worst case, it can be fully cleaned after the bike is finished. I believe that is the only major part over which I need to be concerned. The rest will be pretty straightforward and enjoyable.

Roxanne has one of the most unique faces I’ve ever seen. I’ll have to capture her some more in the future.

Friday morning, 0708. I have coffee and the second show for a change. The other one came to an end yesterday, so I switched to the dragons for some reason. Well, that did not last beyond the second episode because one character’s facial expressions were driving me insane (not in a good way, either). I’ll go back and stare at Roxanne later this morning and see what can develop.

The early business is finished and the next several hours are all mine. Yesterday I took the initiative and began the routine earlier than usual, but today I would prefer to sit here and gather my thoughts for a long while prior to doing anything different. Not a second has transpired since Tuesday without her fucking chest bouncing directly behind my eyes. I keep seeing her move over and over and the result is a lack of both concentration and drive. I’ve been dreaming of seeing those two objects so much that my head has been reduced to nothing more than a tennis match between real life and the sinful realm. The title has not been mentioned much lately because I can’t go into detail about anything. Just trust me... I feel good about very little anymore. The last time I felt this much turmoil was eight years ago, the earliest memory being Ashley long before the former. I thought that was bad, but now? I am going to end up in hell for this shit. Hopefully I can continue being somewhat productive with the housework and motorcycle today without falling on my stupid face just like two days ago. The feelings are never far from my consciousness. Believe it.

God damn did I ever have a bad time of it the other day. My head was switching between daydreaming of the past and picturing more recent issues that have crossed my vision; eventually the situation forced my hand like never before. I felt so down that I don’t even know how I made it through that afternoon and evening. Whenever there is a drop of such proportions, the next few days are generally easier after realizing that I made it out of another hole in the world. My brain is constantly on a hair-trigger, meaning the fall from on high is always one or two steps away no matter what may be going on within my world. I can feel it right now, in fact, and fully intend to embrace the routine and motorcycle work immediately after this crap. For reasons of good form, I’ll have to maintain this mindset or suffer the consequences again. I do not want the latter. ‘We could talk about industrialization and men’s fashion all day, but I’m afraid work must intrude.’ Yep. Alan (Hans) said it best and I cannot disagree. If you are unfamiliar with the quote, watch the fucking film. Anyway, soon I’ll move away from this and begin the uphill climb of pushing that girl out of my brain in order to be productive. I still want her nipples staring straight out and up at me, so I’ll have to do my best to shove her away and free myself of such sinful desire. The realm is growing.

She is running through my head... Looping like a filmstrip without end. I keep seeing her chest over and over and cannot do anything about anything. I am stuck, helpless, broken and very unhappy these days, and the more I see, the worse my condition. I have my devices, agreeable meals, and words. That is all. Everything I need has gone away and everything I want is impossible. Dreaming is hazardous and causes more anger than any other emotion. My desire these days is through the fucking roof and will cause damage soon. I don’t know when, though. That depends upon my ability to squash the terrible moods and push myself through the days. The damage is inevitable. Oh, I almost forgot. I also have alcohol. Better than nothing, that stuff.

0909. My coffee is nearly gone and will soon give way to a large glass of booze as I begin the housework. I don’t know if my head will remain fucked up as it is right now. The work may help me get through this morning without incident, though. Right now I just don’t know of what I may be capable.

Another down day. I didn’t do anything. Well, I finished the morning stuff. I never lose sight of that period because it means a lot to me. Dinner preparations were similar... The second show in the background and my drink next to the work area. I was quite comfortable. Leading up to the evening was an entirely different story, however. I could not find a direction to save my life. Now? Here I sit on a potentially sunny Saturday with wide-open options, sipping coffee and watching the morning news in favor of the dragons. Sometimes the characters irritate me. My plan is to relax for the coffee time and gather my thoughts, after which I will knock off half of the routine and move to the garage. I have to accomplish more today because I am not happy about the direction of my head since late yesterday morning. The word ‘sideways’ barely scratches the surface of those feelings. Imagery spinning in circles within my brain and memories of those wondrous places all but gone from life came together and forced me into a mental fetal position for much of the afternoon. The situation was nearly too much for me so I escaped into the video media for a while and drank lots of water. I made it through, however, and came out the other side comfortable and with a decent dinner. Now that the day is behind me and a new one has dawned, I need to keep those feelings close and remain mindful of what can happen if I don’t rise and push my way into better directions. The entire situation between yesterday and this morning – the knowledge that I failed to work my way through the shit – is now making me angry.

I was seeing something more wondrous and beautiful than I had thought possible prior to the happenstance of the Raven, not to mention the sinful realm, although that last one has not come to fruition as of yet (probably never will, really). My eyes almost popped out of my skull. Sitting here right now, all these hours later, I still can’t believe such things actually exist in reality. They are rarer than some of the wristwatches over which I have gushed, and in some ways are also more sought-after. Over and over, those images and motion pictures flow through my brain and derail whatever thinking or concentration I’ve attempted. There was more, too, but I don’t need to go on about this any longer. Just trust me... There was too much. There IS too much. The realm comes to mind and I am hit with the occasional sighting, and then the wonder of yesterday’s beauty forces me to daydream about situations better left unsaid. Of all the reasons I need to remain in this house for as long as possible, the sinful realm has become the most dire. She does not leave my head at all. The wonder of yesterday is going to plague me for a long while and result in nothing more than more desire to finally be where I so badly need. This is not good. No aspect of this shit can be reworked or forged into any semblance of good. This is the very definition of the sinful realm within which my head and heart reside.

I keep seeing an image of Roxanne and her unique face – that lower trait that I still can’t describe – and I’m beginning to lose my mind over the topic. More images of her are going to pop up here in the future, as well. I can’t help it because the facial trait pulls me nearly as much as the shit in the previous paragraph. Damn. Whatever.

0802. I am rather looking forward to working in the garage later this morning. The weather is forecasted to be warm and sunny, so perhaps I can get some things done on the bike and then a bit of organization; basically everything I should have accomplished yesterday. I still have some coffee left for the time being, so I’ll sit here and gather my sordid, deviant thoughts for a while longer before moving in another direction. Whatever drove my head into the ground yesterday must remain far behind. I can’t have that shit again because by late afternoon I began to feel worthless. When combined with the dire nature of my need for the right type of understanding, feelings of worthlessness become very dangerous. I can end up splashed, for lack of clearer vernacular. The image of her must be shoved to the rear, hard. No one is listening.

No one is fucking listening, like always. Nothing on the horizon."



top