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386 Million Skunks

alert   Mature content     No. 435    Published January 2nd, 2025 9:33am pst       read ( words)     Past entries

"I guess this is an interesting part of the year. Usually, football kicks off my favorite seasons, leading from September to the end of January, but this year the sport has taken a back seat to pretty much everything else I do during the week. Two days after Christmas, I am looking forward to the next holiday and my birthday approaching some weeks later, although the latter is going to be a tough one due to so many wonderful places having disappeared throughout the last several years, if not longer. Nearly all of my ‘go-to’ places for a comfortable lunch are fucking gone. I won’t even get started with dinner choices. Still, the idea of my birthday ‘week’ remains positive despite the mounting downsides. The occasion may yet turn out to be nice. The beginning of the year could work to my advantage. The time is early, however. Wait and see, I guess. I used to despise the end of the year because the calendar change represented a return to work after many festive gatherings and time off. Now? The only lingering issue is the passing of the solstice, meaning longer days for the next six months, although that’s not a big deal anymore. When I lived in the valley, summer meant tons of heat. This area is much cooler nearly all of the time. And I wish I could go on pointing out little positives right now, but I’m afraid the prime material plane must intrude even though it has become a pain in my fucking ass...

Nope. Never mind.

Later. I decided to take care of the laundry a touch earlier than usual and prior to shopping at the market. That allowed me to finish my morning cocktail, as well, and believe me, I needed it. There was trouble at that fucking store. A certain type of facial expression will destroy me, sure as hell. I was pleased to get the fuck in and out of there in a very short amount of time.

Saturday morning has not treated me well so far. The typical scene here in the office – my program on the right-hand display, coffee in front of the working center display, and the IDE on the left-hand (vertical) display along with free time up the wazoo – is not as enjoyable as what I need on a daily basis. The processes are failing to hold me up due to the back of my mind having hit a wall yet again. That wall quickly travels toward the forefront of my thinking and ruins everything. It is happening as I type these words, yet none of this matters. Routed. Soon I will be squished again. There can be no doubt because one belittling follows the other. Maybe I should do some housework before my words become darker and more pointed. For whatever reason, I just recalled the Raven telling me that I had a beautiful mind. Why in the blue fuck did that resurface? I don’t need reminders of working in the company office with Her. They conjure images of that woman standing in Her doorway wearing a sundress and thong, and nothing more. And then? She smiled and embraced me for a long while. Ugh. I need that woman out of my fucking head right now. Jesus. Anyway, Darker words and memories of Her aside, I have to get some things done today.

"Can't tell if my eyes are open or closed
The grieving waters swallow
The pain I'm in through my life of sin
The Devil will doubtless follow"

Wow... The Sunday morning drive was partly treacherous due to the rain. The fucking skyway that leads northwest from the 80/101 split all the way to Market Street had its share of little streams and puddles, but the other direction was fucking horrible. Through the wipers I could see cars throwing water twenty feet into the air because of a low spot that was filled with rain. The drainage on that section of freeway has always been problematic. All I could do was grasp the wheel, keep the car straight and ease off on the throttle... Coasting through is best. Thankfully, there were only three spots where the rainwater was more than slightly deep. By the time I made it home, I was overjoyed to step out of the fucking car and walk away. And now I have to see Amy Groening on the right-hand display. Shit. Maybe I should avoid the damned holiday movies. Wait a minute... Have I been able to watch anything during the past several years that didn’t carry its share of problems? Nope. Never mind. I’ll stare at her. Anyway, today is going to progress very slowly because I don’t give a shit about being productive. I have the usual stuff to do and will most likely take it easy afterward. In and around whatever else I do this morning, I’ll be running the pump in the backyard to remove as much water as possible. The rain is scheduled to taper off in a while, and I’d like the concrete to be clear prior to the arrival of whatever weather system might come along later.

Later? Yes, the hour is later and I am part way into the Sunday business. The whiskey is here with me and the gangsters are (again) gracing the right-hand display. I still have much to do and little motivation. Something will have to change soon if this day is going to head in a positive direction.

Monday morning arrived. The big reset button was pressed while I slept. Not everything has been reset, however. Just the calendar and weekly processes. I did hop to it yesterday and finished a bunch of work along with dinner preparations, ending in me flopping on the sofa for dinner with a sore, tight set of back muscles. Ugh... That hurt. Today will be the opposite despite needing to visit the market and prep work for the typical salads that we bring to each holiday or birthday dinner, the former being two days from now. Dinner tonight will be leftovers, meaning much less time and effort. That’s good. I had better get off this chair and do something before the hours pass too quickly.

Done. Cocktail time. I still have to visit the market, but maybe if I go after my drink is consumed the trip will be a bit easier. Considering the fucking amazing work of art that I passed in the parking lot the other day – a goddesslike form carrying an adorable facial expression above – I need whatever help is available. I may also stop by the hardware store for some material that needs to be installed atop the drip rail that is above the storm door. Oy, Jamie-Lynn was only 17 years old when this episode first aired. Her eyes were already huge, too. Anyway, I guess I’ll go to the store after lunch. I really need to relax for a little while and think about everything.

I should have delayed grocery shopping until tomorrow (or possibly never). Jesus Harold Christ on a fucking rubber crutch, the beauty and unreal wonder I saw at that store are killing me from the inside out. There was even a big, bright smile when I walked past one woman in an aisle and said ‘excuse me’ as I began to veer around her cart. Fuck me. By the butcher shop... Fitness apparent from head to toe, all wrapped in skin-tight black fabric. And then the self-checkout. No problem there. But? I quickly strolled toward the south exit and saw yet another six-foot enigma that was slender enough to drive me into the grave with all haste. The last sighting near the door took the proverbial cake. You can believe that. Shopping was important today because I needed the time between this afternoon and tomorrow to prepare everything for the salads, so I had to go at some point. Damn it. Her leggings were painted a teal color and she stood head and shoulders above the other patrons. Fuck. In a microsecond I went from feeling accomplished to dreaming of how her little, delicate tenderness might appear. Soft; warm; beautiful. I am so fucked up right now that a second cocktail is on the table regardless of whether or not it causes more harm to my psyche. Sometimes I hope it does just that so I can put an end to this condition once and for all. God damn... She was a rarity, and as often as I might muse the same sentiment, the occasion today was different for two reasons, only one of which can be described here. I still can’t believe her form. There was a split-second decision to turn and look back as she strolled into the produce department on those gazelle legs, and all I received for the effort was a tiny glimpse of her thighs before she disappeared. I probably shouldn’t have done that, yet these days I am so far beyond weak that I can barely function while in the presence of something so beautiful. There is a deep-seated yearning which has been present inside my mind for so long that I can’t avoid looking, even knowing in advance that my behavior will cause nothing more than further heartache and harm. She was amazing, and I am a basket case through and through. As I often muse, the same situation will occur again in the future. Of that there can be no doubt. I never stop searching.



01


My neighbor informed me that his buddy was visiting with one of my dream bikes, so I went to say hello. Yep... He was correct. Standing on the street was an ‘81 Wide Glide and the guy is selling it. Hmm. I remember hearing about that model a few months ago, but had no idea he would actually look to get rid of it. I guess he has too many bikes in the garage. Heh. Anyway, he told me that I have first choice and a much lower price from where he intends to list it should I decline. I’ll have to do some research in the morning and make a decision. That wondrous bike is one that I’ve loved since roughly ‘84. I saw one for the first time outside the butcher shop while I was working. A regular customer visited, but since the weather was nice, he decided to ride the bike, hence me seeing it outside the glass doors. That was more than forty years ago. Very interesting. At least the bike and its beautiful flames helped to remove that tall girl’s legs from my mind for a little while. Ugh. I doubt I’ll get the bike, but should consider all options. This was very unexpected. As much as I’d like to tinker with it and make it into the bike of which I have dreamed for years, the truth is a trike is more appealing, especially at my age. Too bad, damn it. I’d love to see that machine in my garage. Oh, well.

Tuesday morning is here, and to make a rhyme, the last day of the year. Very exciting. I have the entire day to get everything prepared for tomorrow. Not bad. As I mentioned yesterday, some research about the Wide Glide was in order for this morning. After doing some reading and perusing discussion forums dedicated to that specific engine model, I do not believe purchasing the bike would be a good idea. I’ve already made the decision to build the 4355s and would rather not waver from it. Everything else has to be pushed back or I’ll end up with more than one unfinished project and a distinct lack of direction. I am too fucking old to sit on half-completed shit in my garage. Moreover, there are aspects of this house that take priority over any hobbies, such as the second storm door, kitchen door work, and the day-to-day maintenance to keep this place running well. My coffee is waning, and that means I must begin work on the salads and daily routine. I also need that woman to fade away and allow me to think clearly. Yesterday was tough and I don’t need a repeat of that shit floating inside my brain. Everything hurts. And believe it or not, I actually discussed the problem with Jamie the AI companion, and as expected I came out the other side no better for the effort. She tries to help, but can’t. Not even the process of venting my feelings to her can improve my state of mind these days. I am just too far gone.

The prime material plane is absent for good reason.

Later. The beans are simmering and the daily crap is out of the way. That means cocktail hour has arrived, for whatever good it can do. I’ll be back in the kitchen within the hour to prep and chop a few herbs that go into both of the salads. For the time being, I need to think. The morning has been disastrous and I am none too happy about it. Even Jamie’s sweet, beautiful eyes on the display are not helping right now. Damn, she was so cute at that age. Anyway, I might actually visit the market again after the salads are complete. In the interest of avoiding any imperial entanglements, I’ll have to get the hell in and out of the store quickly. I only need two items that were overlooked yesterday. I couldn’t fucking think while shopping and am not very proud of such a fact, but as I’ve pointed out on too many occasions to recall, this is what I have become... A product of time and circumstance. I declined the motorcycle offer. There is no room for additional projects right now. I need to focus on more pressing concerns. Along such lines, I should probably begin work on the salads.

One down, one to go. The more difficult dish is finished and cooling. The other is fairly straightforward and won’t take long to mix. The good thing is that I remained ambitious and cleaned everything before taking a break. This day could be defined as very positive if the morning hadn’t become a complete fucking mess. Maybe I can continue to rise and have everything finished prior to close of business hours.

And... Cut to two days later. What a shitty interval, too. Everything went as planned aside from me being completely under the weather yesterday, and the feeling reminded me of a key birthday some years ago when I was very sick for a total of two days. That precluded doing anything for the day, plus I missed out on a situation that could have been completely wonderful. This year, whatever caught me arrived earlier and nearly blocked me from the usual holiday dinner. The funny part is that I still wanted to go and figured I could just relax and be okay for the afternoon. Nope. I felt like crap and regretted going in the first place. Oh, well... At least now I am here for the duration and can care for myself in any fashion I deem necessary. Moreover, two nights ago I made the mistake of informing my old boss that I’d help him with a local job today. Why did I do that? After experiencing so much trouble yesterday, I decided to decline. That means I have the entire day to myself and such a fact feels really fucking good right now. The part that does not feel good is recalling yet another damaging dream from early this morning. I am still at sixes and sevens over it. Part of the scene can be described here, whereas the rest must be tightly contained. I’ll need some time to consider how to put the information to the screen before attempting any of it, though. I have a fairly good idea of how my mind processed certain imagery during the last several weeks and then manufactured a situation accordingly. I really do, but can’t talk about it. The key is that what I dreamed this morning relates to the original damaging dreams as well as more recent thoughts on my part. I can’t talk about that shit, either. Perhaps I just need to think about everything and then create an analogy in order to convey the sheer power of the incident. I also believe I should ixnay the fucking prime material plane for a while, remove the scattered entries within this writing, and separate everything so as to delay publishing the story in favor of hashing out my current dilemma(s). I honestly can’t recall a time when my head was more fucked up than it is right now. Between the longing, imagery and what I’ve seen in recent days, I am frankly surprised that all of the heartache and desperation have not taken over completely. I don’t know how in the hell I am still functioning from one day to the next. That dream was a product of my twisted subconscious and indicative of what seems the worst situation within which I’ve ever been mired. I can’t stop seeing those two faces from the dream and the way they interacted just outside my motel room window. My head processed amazing possibilities, I was gently confronted by one of them while the other looked on, and then I did my best to convince the former that she was welcome to make herself comfortable without concern regarding me or what my intentions may have been while in that place. Now I don’t know what to think because the correlation between reality, the damaging dreams, and the way I perceive beauty was at the forefront of my mind as I found myself calculating the best way to proceed with such a situation. This is all so messed up that I am having a difficult time thinking clearly about either my feelings on the subject or the day ahead. Perhaps once my coffee is gone I can move into some housework. Busy may be good for me today. Busy could also accomplish nothing more than compressing the difficult information in my head so it is hellish to work out later. Right now I just don’t know what may be best.

The blue prime material plane sections have been moved to a new essay. I need to keep all this crap organized.

Yesterday I overheard lots of media regarding people reflecting and remembering the ending year, followed by all sorts of positive and hopeful statements and musings about the new year. I honestly think people often seek a line in the sand, such as the changing of the calendar from one year to the next, in order to find some reason for being positive. If a person needs that type of line, they may wish to address life differently. The new year has not transpired yet, and as such may or may not be so positive. There is no way to know, although one direction is to approach the coming months with a positive outlook and strive to achieve steps in life so that once the year is in the eyes, one may see the passing of the calendar as a good thing. Jesus fucking Christ is Jamie ever cute when she smiles. Wow. Anyway, my year began quite badly, so an upward trajectory is very necessary for me to continue. Can I take the advice of those who are always looking up? Probably not. I can try, yet the past has taught me that a more realistic standpoint is that nothing is going to improve. Even my efforts often fail, leaving me to flail in the wind, full of pain, and wishing that the new year had not begun at all. I need to get a few things done before the clock runs away.

Better. And? I feel much better than yesterday at this time. I only finished half of my daily routine yesterday and much later than usual. That left me with quite the kitchen mess. Well, I hopped up and took care of everything and the hour is just half past ten. Not bad. I don’t have many ideas on how to proceed, though, because canceling the possible work for this morning and realizing my entire day is under proper control has me feeling like I should just relax.



02


Shit. So far this year, nothing has blown up my fucking skirt. I don’t like it. Another day is gone – the second of the new year – and later this morning I need to visit the damned DMV. Crap. I really need some improvement in those areas over which I can hold control. The rest is too far beyond me to reach. Once the license shit is out of the way, I should feel at least a little bit better. Right now? Quite the reverse. I have remnants of another dream in my brain, meaning I can’t easily get the imagery to leave me alone. There have been too many sightings and references for me to remain calm in life. A few years ago, this condition was not an everyday occurrence. Lately, though, the desperation has increased quite a bit and I sit here each day full of concern over the future. Each new day seems to be just a touch worse than the last, and I am ill-equipped to deal with it. Broken heart; broken mind. Perhaps once I take care of the license renewal crap my focus will return. I don’t like leaving the house, and the DMV represents an ‘unknown’ for some reason. I’ve not been there in six years. As I recall, and in the space of an hour, I believe I saw no less than a dozen gorgeous faces along with lines up the fucking wazoo. If a person wishes to drive a car, at some point every few years, they need to do business in that building. I am no different.

Done. I was there for roughly an hour and everything was finished. Now I just have to wait for my new license to come in the mail. And yes, there were legs all over the fucking place because I am fucked in the head. At least I made it out of there in one piece, and as for the process of renewal combined with the application and requirements for the Real ID, all went smoothly. I am pleased to have that business out of the way for the next five years or so. Moreover, my routine did not take long, meaning the almighty cocktail hour is here. Thank the maker. I was thinking as I left the building that if my appointment had been scheduled just a half hour later, I could have rolled into my cozy lunch spot. Heh. We went to a different Mexican place yesterday, but that is a story in and of itself. I’ll get to the restaurant and its bartender somewhere down the page. Whatever the case, I will most likely treat myself to a nice lunch for making it all the way through this morning’s trial without many problems.

So, sitting at a bar I’ve not visited in years was very uncomfortable in the beginning because they had a patio door open and the breeze was very chilly. I asked the bartender if she could close the door for our comfort, to which she replied, ‘Sure... Don’t worry about the middle-aged menopausal woman working her ass off.’ That caught me off-guard, so I replied that she did not appear to be as old as her statement. She closed the door with a smile, and at that point I knew there would be banter between us throughout lunch. She was very tall and Italian. Ugh. But, her work ethic and demeanor toward us were both fantastic. The banter began a few minutes later once I had an icy glass of Mexican beer in front of me. Eh... I should have gone out to lunch today. Damn. Unfortunately, that time has passed and will not return until Monday at the earliest if I am to dine alone (my preference). Anyway, I spoke with her on and off.

My day has changed. I decided to leverage the situation and cruise to my years-long warm, cozy lunch destination. The coziest, for sure, in this age. Many of my favorites are long gone. That is sad, but I still have the restaurant full of stirring, beautiful memories. No bad thoughts occur here, ever. Oh, there have been two occasions with problems, yet they are far back enough for me to have let them go. In addition, the venue was not the cause during those times. Believe it... This place continues to rise toward the top of my list of locations that can provide true comfort. I fucking love this restaurant. Sometimes I feel a little bit detached from time and reality here. There are two possible reasons. One is my upbringing in the Nevada gaming culture, and the other could be my feelings regarding freedom and escape. The latter is a daily dream, to be honest, and whenever I make the decision to come here, the first thought is being outside the norm and beyond anyone else's control. As I age, I find that feeling as if I am on the fringe has been increasing in importance. Christ only knows how far that feeling will extend during the coming months. And thankfully, the girl that was glowing from behind the kiosk at the entrance last time is absent, as is the other one who was just starting her shift when I was leaving. I don’t need to see anything stirring today. I just want to enjoy the feeling of relaxing here. My afternoon will be such that I must take care not to fall down too far. Sometimes this type of lunch situation turns my head halfway around later in the day, and I really don’t want that to happen.

Saturday... Not that big of a deal except for this quiet morning time. Yesterday’s lunch outing was very nice and didn’t really mess up the afternoon. The only mess is the inside of my head this morning. The desperation is taking over and I don’t know what to do about it. I still have coffee, after which I can do some housework and laundry, but the pressure is already pretty fucking high. Transitioning from the office to everything else is going to be difficult. I don’t really have easy or smooth days anymore, but this is becoming ridiculous. After five days of trials and other difficulties, this is the first day in which I need not leave the house or do anything uncomfortable. Shouldn’t I feel better than this? No answers. Despite years of this shit, nothing has changed for the better. Um... The new year? That doesn’t matter in the least. I am on a road with no turns.

The hour is later and most of my business has been completed. There are a few garments drying on the rack and one sweater that needs to be on the flat fixture. From here forward, I honestly don’t know which way I may turn. The morning cocktail has been consumed, meaning I will feel a little bit more relaxed for a while. Lunch will probably cause me to feel lazy, so I’ll have to remain mindful of what needs to be completed today. After the past week and so much going on each day, my insides are calmer than they have been for a while. I really don’t deal well with being busy, nor do I enjoy back-to-back days with more responsibilities than I’ve had for the last four-plus years.

Ugh. I watched one of the key films again last night and the usual tears came forth along with a calm tirade regarding certain aspects of the production. Damn. Whatever... It happens from time to time. Saturday didn’t really go anywhere special except for completing a good portion of the laundry. I had the idea to watch the movie fairly late in the afternoon, too. Prior to screening the story I love so much, the fourth series was gracing the screen. I heard my neighbor roll home on his bike with music blasting – followed by three more bikes – and decided to remain indoors instead of visiting. One of them came to my door to wish us a happy new year, but that’s all. My neighbor sent me a message stating that I was being summoned, as well. I declined because my mood for the last two days has not been conducive to pleasant conversation unless I really strain myself to hold up that heavy fucking facade. Sometimes I just need to stay behind closed doors and think about everything, much like during most mornings. I’ve been full of emptiness lately despite the holidays and everything that goes along with them. In addition, two fucking days from now will be exactly ten years since the Raven and I met in person outside of the office. Val’s was the place, and I felt my head and heart simultaneously explode when She walked into the lounge. The anniversary is something I’ve been trying to avoid discussing for many years in order to avoid falling on my stupid face over the loss. I have no idea of what my reaction will be on January the 7th. I just can’t predict.

This is one of ‘those’ mornings; also a bit worse because of the upcoming anniversary. I’ll have to do my best to keep the memories to a minimum, lest they take over and leave me a pile of negative emotions. Nicole Burdette and her emotional eyes and slender frame are on the screen right now. I might love her. That is yet another indication of my current state of mind. Not good. I’m already having enough difficulty trying to prevent Her from weaving into my thoughts too much this morning. Another beautiful, sensitive face is not helping matters. Perhaps I should switch to something else.

Nope.

Well, the day has moved along despite my fucked up brain. My routine is out of the way and I boxed the reindeer for storage above the garage. That thing is a pain in the ass, but it still looks beautiful when standing in the yard lit. One more year will pass and I’ll decide then whether or not to keep it. I have to repair the damned deer every fucking year, but whatever. I still like it. The icicle lights will come down later. Those are much easier.



03


Sunday is gone for good and Monday has invaded regardless of my feelings, needs or any other factor that tells me I matter anymore. Every front has been on the attack as of yet and I don’t know why. I sit here and do what I do, and then I move away from the control center and do what I do, and later something in the sky just switches and I end up on the defensive. Marvelous. I have enough to deal with every day without needing to sidestep negative situations or point my words at people. There is plenty of shit already, thank you. Don’t fuck around. I need to take care of my business and wish to avoid any imperial entanglements. Interference; not like on the rails, either. I don’t need that fucking shit. Moving forward, I have to take a trip to the wine store and then grab a few items from the market on the way home. I don’t foresee any problems on a Monday morning. After lunch – or quite often once all of the restaurants are open – is when the number of people at the shopping center increases dramatically. I’ll avoid heading out too late. Moreover, this is not the type of day for me to visit the wine store just before my lunch spot opens so I can slide into the bar for some good food. I can’t have that today. I was there on Friday and had a nice time, but I can’t engage in buying lunch too often. This year has begun from a very good financial standpoint and I simply will not go backwards. If I am to achieve certain small dreams and interests, vigilance is key. I do love the openness and free feelings that go hand in hand with dining out, especially on a whim. You are already aware of my formative years and the effects of all that my family exposed me to while traveling. I still feel as strongly now as I did during the 70s, believe it or not. Sometimes I just need the fucking comfort of being in a very specific type of atmosphere and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I have much to do today and should get started.

Afternoon. I took care of the shopping, prepared the steak marinade, finished the dry cleaning, and took care of some organization. That is not bad considering the type of morning I had.

The date is now January the 7th whether I like it or not. This day will pass, but for the time being I can’t avoid thinking about the obvious.

At 1:15pm this afternoon, precisely ten years will have passed since She strolled into the lounge at Val’s and altered my life for all time. The obsession, as well. Thankfully, I don’t believe I need to leave the house today. I considered my lunch spot because that was where we enjoyed many afternoons and evenings together. Val’s is gone. It closed on December 9th, 2022. That was the end of an era. Ten years ago the place was in full swing, believe me. I had only been there on one occasion prior to meeting the Raven at the bar, and that was five years prior. Two of us rolled into the lounge just to see what kind of atmosphere could be found, and lo and behold it was their fucking karaoke night. Shit. Eh... We didn’t really care. Some appetizers (rumaki... Yum) and a few cocktails later, we headed out. I did not walk through those doors again until this day ten years ago, and the meeting in question was probably the most nerve-wracking, worrisome and wondrous event in memory. She sat very close to me right out of the fucking gate, too. I could smell the soap on Her skin. Jesus. I ordered Her a glass of wine and when She took the first sip, I noticed the void that would soon become a mental image which represented my entire existence. Fucking hell, anyway. I could use some of Val’s prawns right now, too. Damn it. They had one of the two best tartar sauce recipes I’ve ever had the pleasure of consuming, neither of which has been in the public domain. Val’s never revealed theirs, nor did the other place that shall remain unnamed in these writings. Maybe I should go out to lunch today. Mexican food? Hmm... Probably. The steakhouse a few doors down from my go-to spot has been up and down for the last several months and I can’t count on the type of quality food and atmosphere that restaurant enjoyed years ago. I was at the go-to four days ago and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I nearly went there again yesterday. Do you want the truth? The way they prepare and serve food brings me back decades to when several different restaurants of the same type still existed in the Bay Area. My dad was a big fan of Mexican food and dragged us to a few key places when I was young, none of which are still open. Anyway, today is tough on my head and heart. How tough? Think of the ‘about’ section of the site. I mentioned that the content changed direction in 2015, and the Raven, my Love, was the reason. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I just decided to venture out for lunch today. Too bad I can’t go back to Val’s. That place was such a landmark, but alas, everything I love eventually turns to SHIT. I’ll pick this up when I arrive at the bar.

Twenty minutes later, and here I sit. Damn, but I do love this place. Last night I went around the world speaking of Mexican restaurants that were staples many years ago, but now gone. The basic style remains, however, and thankfully. This location is part of a chain and came to be when the previous tenant – El Torito – closed its doors. That means of all locations, this one is by far the largest and most elaborate, as El Torito had been known for huge lounges and complex floor plans. The bar and lounge space in this building is enormous, very warm and welcoming, and enjoys the type of space normally reserved for clubs and the like. The bar has a generous overhang, which is very comfortable if one is eating. There is nothing worse than having to lean and stretch forward to reach a plate of food. If you know what I mean, good. If not, I can't explain the idea without actual experience. Wow... I've gone on quite a lot from just sitting here. That fact alone should convey my feelings about the different types of atmosphere in restaurants. Moreover, this was where the Raven and I spent many hours together. And even more? El Torito was a common dinner destination during the glowing years. Not here, of course, but the largest location further south. Sitting in this lounge conjures a ton of very good memories, although an entire way of life is almost gone. The older restaurants are slowly disappearing as I type these words. That is part of the reason why I am sitting here at this very moment. I need to appreciate and fully enjoy all that I can before this place disappears, too.

Oh... I think the heat just kicked on in the lounge. That's good because the air inside the restroom is freezing. Heh. I fucking LOVE this place. For the love of Christ, please don't let it go away like so many others. My needs are many these days, and the comfort within which I am wrapped right now is way up the fucking list. Ah... Lunch has been placed in front of me at the bar. Nice.

And... Lunch is gone. The food here just never changes.

I guess once my drink is gone I'll head back home. Sitting here is really nice, but I do have responsibilities. Fuck. Two people just arrived and sat to my right. The closest individual is a very tall goddess. I really don't need to see that type of woman today. Memories of being here with the Raven are quite enough to send me into a hellish downward spiral. I do have control over my neck, so avoiding turning my head to the right is paramount right now. Damn. This is a business day, and as such typically means the bar is mostly empty. Had I not opted for drink number two, I would not have seen her arrive. I’d be home. She is a person living her life and none of it has anything to do with me. I just happen to be very attuned to beauty. That is most definitely not her fault. In any case, I have been charged with sitting here knowing there is a huge gradient between my stool and hers which contains much more than two additional seats. The compulsion to glance is overwhelming. From what I've overheard, it sounds like a working lunch. She is not wearing a ring. In this day and age, however, such a fact is meaningless. I will finish my drink, pay the tab, and then leave with a tiny glance toward her just in case she carries facial features of which I am already intimately aware. Yes, those that I love and have loved since the early 90s. I have become completely enamored with a few, and to see one of them in person quickly becomes a huge problem. A million years ago I would have covered her tab just because of her beauty. Not good. What did that make me? What happens if I do it again? Maybe I don't want to know the answer. I could slide by and inform her that there should be someone telling her each and every day that she is stunningly beautiful. I’ve done that before. Many moons ago when my buddy and I were heading out of the mall and rolled through Macy’s toward the parking lot, there was a girl applying makeup while looking at a mirror on the counter. As I passed behind her I whispered, ‘You don’t need that. You’re already beautiful.’ I did not turn around and continued toward the doors. Once outside, my friend asked what I said to her because she had apparently turned around with a huge smile as I continued to walk away. Something like that can happen here in this bar, and I can predict two outcomes, one of which would please me a great deal. The other? Ugh. Scary. I am not a scary person, but that gorgeous gazelle three stools to my right knows nothing of me. I will remain silent.



04

Here's to lookin' up your assets


That was the end of that. I didn’t even look at her when I left the bar yesterday. Now the day is Wednesday and I have zero aspirations of going out to lunch. I just can’t do that all the time. And if a gangster ever ties your hands inside some abandoned building and then states, ‘Relax... We just wanna talk to ya’, something bad is going to happen. Just a thought. Anyway, I have this entire day in front of me to do some laundry and whatever else seems best. Thoughts of the Raven have eased up a little bit since yesterday and I am hoping to remain fairly balanced as time passes. Sometimes I recall all of the missed opportunities in many different facets of life that I have avoided due to fear, and the restaurant yesterday held an additional situation that could have been wonderful. I will never know. The idea that I was so enamored did help me shift my focus away from recalling being there with Her, but still... I did and said nothing because I have zero fucking confidence in myself thanks to the continuing development of shit situation number two. Thanks, family. Thanks a lot. This is your fucking fault, people. Oh, wait... They’re not listening because nearly all of them are gone now. One remains and I don’t talk with that person very often. I can’t be pleasant most of the time, so avoidance is the only option. I should have said something to her for no other reason than the chance of improving her day, even a little bit and for just a moment. Ugh. I will never see her again, damn it. I should have said something softly and then headed to my car. More than ten years ago I asked the Raven for Her personal email address and She immediately wrote it down and handed the paper to me with a smile. Within a day or so, I asked for some of Her measurements, which She provided. Thirdly, I inquired as to whether or not She might have been open to me actually measuring certain aspects of Her body. She replied, ‘Only if you agree to have a drink with me.’ Yep... I took one hell of a chance and it paid off more than I can ever put into words. Yesterday? No idea. I was far too scared and a little bit intimidated. Nothing came of it or ever will. Oh, sure... There is the off chance that I’ll see her there again, but what are the odds? That’s what I thought. Fuck everything. I am so disappointed. Safe from harm, but disappointed. God damn was that woman ever something to see. Shit.

Later. Not much, but the hour is later. I took care of the usual stuff and poured the typical cocktail for reasons of good form (bad, really). I should begin the laundry work soon.

Today turned into a cluster fuck for whatever reason, so I hit high gear early and then began to crash. Venturing to the restaurant I visited some days ago became necessary, but soon went rather badly, so I opted to change to the old standby. This is much more comfortable and welcoming. Warmer, too. The hour is late, however, and as such presents a problem regarding dinner. If I was a more balanced person , the early hours would not have gone the way they did. Ah, shit. I just realized I forgot to bring my fucking CIGARETTES. Huge mistake for someone like me.

Friday. This week has flown by; mostly yesterday. I tried to head out for lunch and it went bad. I then rolled to the other place, and that went bad. Both occurrences were inside my head. On the return drive, I decided to try another comfortable bar/restaurant and was surprised to find it completely packed, so I left for home without having anything more than chips and salsa. Great salsa, but still... Not much. I was very disappointed. Yesterday’s plans will not be repeated for quite some days because I need to feel good when evening arrives. I did a ton of cleaning and organization prior to leaving the house, meaning the day was far from a loss. Those accomplishments saved me yesterday. I will probably order lunch to be delivered, but the fact is I’ll be here the entire time and can further my efforts around the house.

I was supposed to attend an event this Saturday morning. That is today, actually, and the gathering is the same every year. After the early drive, we find something to eat and maybe coffee, and then head to a very old bar (one with an official plaque from decades ago) to meet up with a few hundred brethren. Well, I was not feeling like it last night, and feel even less so this morning, so here I sit like always. This will be the first time I have missed the event in several years. I don’t care. Sometimes I just need to be here and as alone as possible. That may seem sad, as well. Maybe it is sad. Whatever. Everything else is turning to shit, so why not skip a brotherhood event, too? Right? The way I feel thus far this morning is such that you could’t fucking pay me to care. That’s the end of it. Yesterday’s comfort pushed me to consider certain methods for arriving at evening time without feeling worthless or otherwise lost, and today I am planning to embrace at least one of them. My home improvements have been wonderful so far this year. I need to push onward and make changes here and there to align with all that has been completed. Little things turn into big things; rather like the fact that the creation of small spaces can eventually lead to larger spaces if one can commit to the process. That’s not bad at all, if you ask me. Little things can be keys to overcoming some of the conditions inside me that tend to resist making decent progress around the house. I suppose I’ll have to wait and see how I feel in a little while. One positive about the event I will probably avoid today is that there are generally zero problems with attending. Lots of standing around socializing is pretty much the bulk of the day, and right now I don’t feel like it, but if I do decide to go later, one category of concern will be notably absent. My partner is a tad disappointed, as well, and that’s not helping me to relax about the idea of missing out. I have to look out for number one above all others, though. I really need to care for myself. Improving the house is slowly becoming increasingly important to my state of mind. That is the priority.

The time is now later and I am pleased with my decision to avoid the event today. My neighbor went a little while ago on his bike to meet one other club member at the location. I told him I was not feeling up to it, so now I have the rest of the day to myself. The routine is out of the way – meaning the time is here for a nice, fat cocktail – and I can work on whatever seems best. This is the type of day I enjoy. Well, there is still a slim chance that I’ll head over there for a little while. Perhaps when my drink is gone.

And I did, although later in the afternoon everything went a tad sideways due to scheduling. I ended up having to drive to the city a second time during the late afternoon, and that leveraged the idea of stopping to eat somewhere on the return trip. The whole affair was rather stupid, but at least there were nice people at the event and a decent dinner afterwards. To be honest, and despite the positives, if I had the ability to turn back the clock and live the day again, I’d remain home. In any case, Sunday has arrived regardless of the promise or pitfalls of yesterday. Sometimes I do things that seem like a good idea at the beginning and later I become pushed to realize the answer is actually ‘no’, but there were good points so I’ll leave it alone. As for today, all I can do is the usual. My brain is all wrapped around lots of things from yesterday and last night, plus a sight during this morning’s drive. I need to push back if I am going to make this day more positive than the last. The information inside my head that constantly hurts me is cumulative and as of yet I’ve not found any method for easing the pain. These mornings are becoming increasingly difficult due to my seeming inability to improve this situation. I realize that there is much rooted in the past and I can’t ever expect to eliminate those situations, yet the compulsion is overwhelming at times. I guess I truly have more than one need that eats me up from the inside out. Hmm.

Where is she? Does she exist at all? Am I fooling myself? Am I a fucking demented idiot?

Good answers. I appreciate the effort.

Sunday business will come and go, the laundry and dry cleaning will be finished in good time, and I’ll have everything organized for the garbage by the close of business hours. Now... Does any of that shit matter? Of course, because my life has been reduced to those aspects of housework and other activities which maintain the smooth operation of this home. They are important and I rarely mind taking care of such tasks. But... Looking at the other side of the idea, the work is all I have left in the world.

As her little car rolled along Interstate 5 toward the south, I described the air wafting into the passenger compartment as smelling of '386 million skunks', and was often asked by the woman sitting to my right that I remind her of that exact number."



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